I took a brisk walk up to the mailbox yesterday to find two pieces of mail in the box: one being the box set I Dream of Jeannie: The Complete Fifth and Final Season (take that, Brent!) and the other what appeared to be a greeting card from Saint Louis. (Emma!) I don’t know anybody in Saint Louis, so curiosity grabbed me by the neck and shoulders and threatened to give me a noogie if I didn’t open it up.
As I guessed, it was a greeting card—Hallmark, no less. Here’s what it said on the inside:
We’re sorry about the problems
you had with your service recently
and want to thank you
for letting us know about them.
Keeping everything running smoothly
so you have time for the things
that matter most is our top priority.
Please contact us if there’s anything
else we can do to help.
And of course, it’s signed: Your friends at Charter Communications. Frequent readers of TDOY are no doubt aware that CharredHer is the company I get my cable/internet/telephone service from, and how I was without online access for nearly two weeks because these wankers couldn’t diagnose the problem.
There’s a funny line in the 1987 Dragnet film uttered by Dabney Coleman, who plays a lisping pornography kingpin, and which I would like to borrow for this solemn occasion: “Reverend…you got ballth ath big ath churchbellth…”