Mayberry Mondays #11: “Emmett’s 50th Birthday” (12/16/68, prod. no. 0113)

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you…

Yes, R.F.D. fans—this week’s installment of Mayberry Mondays will celebrate the golden natal anniversary of that town’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman)…who’s so excited about marking the upcoming event that he’s actually working on fixing something in his shop as opposed to what he usually does around Mayberry: sitting on bus benches and panhandling. Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), the chief pastry girl at Boysinger’s Bakery, stops by Emmett’s establishment just in time to see county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) and gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) play a cutthroat game of checkers…

MILLIE: …I’ve got problems with my hair dryer…
EMMETT: What’s the trouble with it?
MILLIE: Well, it won’t dry…it just gave up...
EMMETT (as he pulls off a part from the dryer): Oh, it’s probably the switch…
HOWARD: The same thing happened with mine…

I think I’m going to regret seeing where this is going…

MILLIE: You’ve got a hair dryer, Howard?
HOWARD: Yeah…oh, I don’t use it for that…Mother left it when she moved to Mt. Pilot…I’ve been doing my own personal laundry, and I dry about half a dozen pairs of socks under it…
MILLIE: Oh! That’s a wonderful idea…
GOOBER: You gonna finish this game or not, Howard?
HOWARD (annoyed): In a minute…
EMMETT: Give me a couple of days on this, Millie…
MILLIE: Okay… (She waves to them all as she heads out the door) Bye!
(The men ad-lib various goodbyes “So long, Mill,” etc. Howard sits back down to where he and Goober are playing checkers…)
GOOBER (after a pause): I dry my socks in the oven…
HOWARD: Hmm…well, to each his own…

It’s amazing that no eligible, single women have lassoed those two crazy bachelors and marched them down the aisle by now. But the comedy shenanigans will continue, because looking out of the window of the fix-it shop we see dedicated, up-at-the-butt-crack-of-dawn postal employee Mr. Felton (Norman Leavitt) entering the joint. He hands Emmett a fistful of mail and remarks to him, “Well, they’re startin’ to come in, Emmett…”

HOWARD: Whaddya got there, bills?
FELTON: No…birthday cards!
HOWARD: Oh…
GOOBER: Your birthday, Emmett?
EMMETT: Yeah…
FELTON (indicating Emmett): The old man still has a lot of friends…
HOWARD: It’s always nice to be remembered…
FELTON: Looks like you got three sentimentals and one humorous…and that’s about how it goes… (Looking at Howard and Goober) You get more sentimentals as the years go by…

Emmett’s received a card from Andy, who’s “still in Raleigh,” which means the former star of The Andy Griffith Show doesn’t need to worry about punching the time clock this week. When quizzed as to how old he’s going to be, Emmett replies that he’ll be fifty—prompting a series of wisecracks from his yokel friends on how he’s getting up in years. Just when you’re convinced that your sides can take no more of this gay frivolity, city council head and dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) enters the picture…

HOWARD: Hey, Sam—have you heard the big news?
SAM: What?
HOWARD: Emmett’s going to be fifty on Thursday… (He gives Sam a wink)
SAM: No kiddin’? Well, congratulations…
GOOBER: You better hold off, Sam…he ain’t made it yet…
(They all laugh…)
HOWARD (slapping Emmett on the back): Yeah, you better stay off your feet, Emmett…save your strength for the big day…
SAM: Come on, now…Emmett may be over the hill, but he can still do a lot of coasting…
EMMETT: One thing I never worried about was my age…
HOWARD: Well, that’s the spirit, Emmett…no sense worrying about taxes, either…
(More laughter)
EMMETT: You fellas are in rare form today…

Yeah, if you close your eyes you can almost hear Robert Benchley ask Dorothy Parker for the butter at the Algonquin Round Table…Sam has to leave (I guess he’s planning on getting some work accomplished) and Goober announces he’ll go with him—then asks Howard if he wants to call the checkers game a draw. Emmett tells his departing friends he’ll see them later…whereupon Goober says somberly: “Oh, I hope so.” Howard jokingly wishes Emmett a happy sixtieth on the way out, leaving Emmett behind to fiddle with a typewriter and muttering, “Jokers…”

(At the time this episode originally aired, actor Paul Hartman was sixty-four years old. So perhaps our contingent of Mayberry wits isn’t “jokers” after all.) The proof is in the screen cap:

The lord and master of the House of Emmett arrives home from a hard day’s…well, whatever it is he does in that shop…and greets his wife Martha (Mary Lansing), who asks him how his day went. “Oh, same old sixes and sevens,” is Emmett’s reply—which reveals why everybody in town hangs out there…they got a crap game going on in the back. Mr. Clark nestles down in his easy chair and, removing the rubber band from the evening paper, puts it in the end table drawer beside him. I can’t help but wonder 1) how many rubber bands are in that drawer, because from the looks of things it’s a force of habit for him, and 2) how much real news happens in Mayberry to warrant a daily paper.

MARTHA: Emmett…
EMMETT: Yeah?
MARTHA: I was thinking it would be nice to have a birthday party for you this year…
EMMETT: Oh, no…I don’t think so…
MARTHA: Oh, why not? It’d be fun…
EMMETT: Oh, why go to all that trouble?
MARTHA: It’s no trouble…I’d love to do it…

The Clarks are interrupted by the front door buzzer, and upon opening the door Martha finds Sam outside—he’s come by to borrow a power drill he’d asked Emmett about at the shop earlier.

SAM: Hey, I’m not interrupting your dinner, am I?
MARTHA: Oh, no…we were just planning a birthday party for Emmett…
SAM: Oh…
EMMETT: We were not…we decided not to have it…
MARTHA: Oh, Emmett—now you know you’d have a good time…wouldn’t he, Sam…?
SAM: Well, yeah…I suppose…mm-hmm…
EMMETT: Why would I have a good time? Give me one good reason…
SAM: Well, uh…I’m not sure…uh…
MARTHA: You know as well as I do he’d have a good time…
SAM: Well, yeah…mm-hmm…
EMMETT: Why would you say a thing like that? I’d only be staying up to all hours and have to drag myself to work the next day…
SAM: Look…if I could just get the drill…
EMMETT (poking Sam in the chest with his finger): The trouble is that birthday parties are just for kids…
MARTHA (to Emmett): I’m beginning to think the trouble is with you…all you want to do is read your paper…it’s the same thing, every day…you come in here, you give me a peck and then you flop in your chair…you’re acting like an old man!

Martha, old girl…he’s sixty-four years old. That’s what sixty-four-year-old men do. Sam is clearly uncomfortable about being in the middle of this argument…and he definitely doesn’t want to be around when the discussion turns to why Martha no longer gets any nocturnal visits from the little Emmett...if you know what I mean, and I think you do. So upon getting the power drill he beats a hasty retreat from Chez Clark. “The truth is: a man’s only as old as he acts, right?” asserts Emmett, as Sam hauls ass and elbows toward his parked car.

Goober and Howard pull up in Goober’s pickup truck out at Jones Farm as Sam works on his gate with Emmett’s power drill. “Wait till you see what we got,” Howard tells Sam excitedly. The two men unload a rocking chair that they purchased at a junk shop from the back of the pickup, and Goober announces that they’re going to give it to Emmett as a gag gift. But Sam isn’t so sure that’s a good idea, and he dissuades these two idiots from carrying out their prank (he’s like that—he never wants to go cow tipping, either). “At seventy, you’re braggin’ about it,” Sam explains, “but at fifty, I guess you’re still fooling yourself…”

“Maybe he’s got a point, huh?” Howard asks Goober. “Maybe we just…better forget about the rocker.” “I never realized there was such a generation gap between me and Emmett,” responds Goober forlornly.

Downtown, Emmett has to sidestep an automobile that narrowly misses hitting him and as such, dashing the hopes of the audience to see this truly annoying individual cut down in the prime of life. A man on a motorcycle then pulls up to Emmett, asking for directions to Siler City. Emmett points the way, and the grateful man gives many thanks by saying, “Thanks, Gramps! Hang in there!” “Smart aleck!” Emmett calls out after him—and if he weren’t on a downtown street in Mayberry, he would probably have told the guy to stay off his lawn*.

What happens next is one of the most heart-breaking things I’ve ever witnessed on an episode of Mayberry R.F.D.—let alone The Andy Griffith Show. Emmett steps on a set of scales and drops a coin in the slot, expecting to get both his weight and fortune. But the card that pops out is completely blank—leaving Emmett to remark: “No future at all.” (My God, that is pathetic.) Faced with the prospect that the sand in the hourglass that is his life is slowly running out, Emmett takes his familiar seated position on the bus depot bench, whereupon Sam wanders by and sits down beside him…

SAM: Beautiful day…
EMMETT: Yeah…I suppose so…time sure flies…it seems like just yesterday that there was a bean field right where that ol’ drugstore is…

Well, considering the character of Emmett wasn’t introduced to Mayberry until the last season of Andy Griffith, it isn’t really as long ago as he pretends it to be…

SAM: Aw, Emmett…everything changes…and the thing to do is accept it, and move right along with it…
EMMETT: Yeah, I know that…well…see ya later, Sam…

And with that, Emmett rises from the bench…and walks into the path of an arriving bus. No, I’m just kidding (we could never be that lucky)—he heads back to the fix-it shop, and after a scene dissolve discover him diligently working on Millie’s hair dryer. But he’s distracted by the clock on the wall, and he turns to the instrument muttering: “Tick tock tick tock…won’t you ever stop?” (Ask not for whom the bell tolls, my friend…it tolls for thee.) Millie enters the shop to inquire on the health of her dryer, and Emmett tells her it will take a minute if she wants to wait. So Mill sits down to eat her lunch and fingers through the magazines Emmett has lying around on a nearby table. “The comic books are Goober’s,” he informs our bakery babe. “Don’t work the puzzles or dog-ear the pages; he gets mad.”

Millie takes solace in a movie magazine, which has a feature on her favorite actor: Cary Grant. She bubbles with delight at that Bristol boy: “He can carry me off into the sunset anytime.”

MILLIE: Isn’t he something!
EMMETT: Mmm…well…
MILLIE: I just love his tan…it makes him look so young…
EMMETT: Yeah, I guess so…he’s a good actor…
MILLIE: Oh, yeah…oh, he’s so funny sometimes…did you remember him in that picture, where he was in that walking race… (Giddy as a schoolgirl) Oh, heel…toe…heel…toe…heel…toe…

The movie Millie is referring to is, of course, Walk Don’t Run (1966)—Grant’s final feature film and, though I know I’m in the minority on this, a fine example of an actor going out on a high note. Millie’s happiness dissipates upon turning the page of the magazine, however, because there are pictures of Grant kissing Sophia Loren, Doris Day and Audrey Hepburn. Emmett philosophically muses that Grant should “make hay while the sun shines” because he’s not getting any younger—and that’s when Millie informs him that Cary is in his sixties. Emmett stops to ponder this. “He’s at least ten years older than I am.” This puts a noticeable spring in the fix-it man’s step—knowing that he’s younger than Cary Grant.

(For the record, Hartman was less than two months younger—Grant was born on January 18, 1904 and Hartman on the first of March. But if I may paraphrase a noted gentleman who spent a Christmas vacation wheelchair-bound—Cary Grant could eat a box of candy every day of his life and live to be 102…and when he’d been dead three days, he’d still look better than Paul Hartman.)

Emmett is a changed man. Sam and Howard are parked on Emmett’s official bus bench discussing their friend (“The trouble with Emmett is, when he’s up, he’s up…and when he’s down, he’s down” according to Howard) when Emmett jogs by, happy as a lark. They follow him to the fix-it shop and, peering into the front window, see Emmett tanning himself under a sun lamp…

SAM: Uh, Emmett…are you all right?
EMMETT: Well, of course I’m all right…just gettin’ a little suntan…just because I’m reachin’ the prime of life doesn’t mean I can’t take care of myself… (He starts to hum a song)
HOWARD: Gee, I’m sure glad you’re feeling so chipper, Emmett…
EMMETT: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I’m not even sixty yet…

I guess denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. At the bakery, Sam pumps Millie for information on why Emmett is acting so trippy—so Millie tells him about the conversation she had with Emmett regarding Cary Grant. Sam immediately gets it—and wonders to himself why he didn’t think of coming up with the Grant comparison in the first place (“Never underestimate the power of a woman”). But Millie is still a little confused, and asks him to explain it to her as he heads out the front door. “I think you just gave the world another Cary Grant,” he tells her cheerfully and he gives her a little peck on the nose.

And speaking of pecks, Emmett arrives at his domicile and announces he’s home—but instead of the perfunctory greeting to Martha, he takes her in his arms and “dips” her, asking how her day went. “Well, it’s certainly picking up,” is her stunned response. She hands him his paper, but he waves it away—bubbling with enthusiasm, Emmett beseeches Martha to continue with the preparations for his birthday party. “Well, just don’t stand there, woman—get on the phone! Call everybody!” Martha gets on the horn with Sara, and as Emmett sits down to peruse the paper he takes the rubber band and playfully shoots Martha in the ass. (Fortunately for us, the camera is ready to move on to other things before we’re subjected to the sight of Emmett really getting frisky.)

There is a dissolve, and we see several couples milling and dancing about in the Clark’s living room—Goober sheepishly makes his way over to the punch bowl, where Martha pours him a jigger of punch. “Boy, Martha, you really went all out—just like one of them Park Avenue parties,” he says goofily. (Well, with one exception, Goob—if it were Park Avenue, you would not be invited.) The door buzzer rings, and Martha goes over to answer it—it’s Sam and Millie, which means the party can really get started.

Martha informs Emmett that Sam and Millie have arrived, and he makes his way through the crowd, dressed and looking like Hugh Hefner on a really bad day. “Hello, Sam boy,” he says enthusiastically, and he kisses Millie’s hand. Howard and Goober observe this from across the room, and Goober tells Howard: “Cary Grant…” “Oh…” is all that Howard is able to say.

“Boy, he sure is kicking up his heels tonight,” observes Howard of Emmett as he dances a jig with his date alongside Sam and Millie. In a series of scenes, we witness Emmett engaged in party activities that make him look…well, like a fifty-year-old doofus...

Yeah, beating Howard at arm-wrestling…there’s a strenuous activity. “He’s really knocking himself out,” observes Sam to Martha—who informs Sam: “He hasn’t behaved this way since the senior prom.” Emmett, having vanquished a man who couldn’t punch his way through Cool Whip, announces to those assembled: “Everybody out in the yard for the sack race!”


The morning after, Sam takes a leisurely stroll downtown…and passing by the fix-it shop, notices that Emmett hasn’t opened up yet. I don’t know why this would be of any great concern to our hero, when you consider how much time Emmett spends on that bus depot bench…but nevertheless, a concerned Sam tools on over to the Clark’s residence to inquire about Emmett’s absence from his establishment…

SAM: Hey, that was some party last night…
MARTHA: Thank you…yes, it was…
SAM (chuckling): I, uh…I just stopped by the fix-it shop and it was closed…I wondered if everything was all right…
MARTHA: Oh, yes…Emmett’s still asleep…
SAM: Oh…
MARTHA (pointing towards the couch): Right over there…

“When the last guest left, he said ‘Well, that’s it’…and it sure was,” Martha muses out loud. (I’ll bet that sort of thing never happened to Cary Grant.) Since it’s obvious that Emmett’s no longer able to run with the big dogs anymore, he and Sam must have the eventual philosophical back-and-forth on the subject of age:

EMMETT: That Cary Grant must have a thousand stunt men…
SAM: Hey…you gotta expect a few aches and pains after a night like that…that was a great party, Emmett—everybody’s talking about it…
EMMETT: Laughin’ about it, you mean…I acted like an old fool…
SAM: No…no…
EMMETT: Yeah, tryin’ to be the life of the party…runnin’ around…no fooling an old fool…
SAM (after a pause): Well…yeah, there is, Emmett…a man who’s fifty and can’t make up his mind whether he’s seventy or seventeen…
EMMETT: What?
SAM: Emmett…we all…reach milestones in our lives…and we all worry about them…at twenty, you worry about gettin’ a job…at thirty you worry about supportin’ a family…at forty you worry about losing your job…and at fifty…well, I guess you just worry about bein’ a little older…but it’s…just another step in life…
EMMETT: I suppose…
SAM: I think the thing to do is just accept your life and stop worrying about it…
EMMETT: Mmmm…
SAM: Just…be what you are, Emmett…fifty…it’s a good age…

Okay, those of you who signed up for Sam’s motivational course…your refund is in the mail. In this episode’s wrap-up, Sam is gassing up at Goober’s and he happens to notice that his pal is trying to unload the rocking chair Goob and Howard originally purchased for Emmett’s birthday. Goober offers to sell it to Sam for half a sawbuck…and even comes down to four dollars, mentioning that he could put it on the front porch at the Jones Ranch. But Sam insists he’s not ready for a rocking chair, despite Howard’s observation that in seven more years he (Sam) will be forty. As Sam climbs into the cab of his pickup, he can’t help but stare at his visage in the truck’s side mirror…and contemplate that very soon he’ll be acting as ridiculous as Emmett at age forty. (Note: Ken Berry was actually thirty-five at the time this episode was first telecast.)

Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor must have said something to piss Martha Clark off, because she wasn’t invited to Emmett’s celebration…and as such, does not appear in this episode. So Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ holds at five Aunt Bee appearances so far on Mayberry R.F.D. In real life, Mary Lansing was not only an actress but an architectural designer, designing her own home in Studio City, California. I did not learn until recently that Lansing was at one time married to actor Frank Nelson, who lives on in both radio and television immortality as Jack Benny’s nemesis—Lansing made a few appearances on the Benny program, and was also heard on such radio shows as The Lux Radio Theatre, The Whistler, The Life of Riley and Gunsmoke. Lansing’s television legacy is pretty much her work on R.F.D.—the IMDb credits her with nine appearances on this series (in addition to fifteen on The Andy Griffith Show…though she only played Martha in three Griffith episodes). Other television shows that welcomed her as a guest star include The Real McCoys, Pete and Gladys, The Patty Duke Show, Gomer Pyle, USMC and Bewitched. Next week: Millie may be going out there as a lowly sales clerk in a bakery—but she’s coming back a star!

*Obligatory Bill Crider joke.

The smell of gunsmoke

I bet you've never heard ol' Marshal Dillon say
Miss Kitty, have you ever thought of running away
Settlin' down, would you marry me?
If I asked you twice and begged you pretty please
She'd have said yes in a New York minute
They never tied the knot
His heart wasn't in it
He just stole a kiss as he rode away
He never hung his hat up at Kitty's place
-- “Should Have Been a Cowboy,” Toby Keith

If you’ve been reading this blog for a good while now, it shouldn’t come as any big secret that one of my all-time favorite television shows is the dean of boob tube westerns, Gunsmoke. With the addition of the Encore Westerns channel here at Rancho Yesteryear, the opportunity to see the black-and-white hour-long episodes—seasons seven through eleven—has made me a little recalcitrant in my classic movie watching. There’s just no getting around it—I’ve been gobbling up these little monochromatic gems like cocktail peanuts.

I’ll readily admit that the radio version of Gunsmoke is the best of all, but at the same time I can’t bring myself to really ever badmouth the television adaptation. The only thing I ever found disappointing about the TV Gunsmoke was how the series treated the Chester character; Dennis Weaver is a grand actor, but he took too many liberties with his radio namesake and I’ve always believed that he was the weakest link on the TV program. I’ve always been partial to Festus Haggen, Dodge City’s resident ne’er-do-well played by Ken Curtis—I always thought the Festus character (who first appeared in “Us Haggens,” a television episode penned by the radio Gunsmoke’s Les Crutchfield, and was then seen intermittently until he officially joined the show in its ninth season) was much closer in spirit to the original radio Chester.

I caught a dandy Festus outing a few nights ago entitled “Wishbone” (02/19/66), an episode that was reputedly Curtis’ favorite. In it, Festus comes to the rescue of his friendly nemesis Doc Adams (Milburn Stone), who’s been stranded in the middle of nowhere after being bit by a rattlesnake and his horse having run off in a panic. Festus is able to save Doc’s life by a combination of home remedies and making a wish on the wishbone from a chicken he and Doc were munching on as the episode began; it’s a wonderful examination of the complex relationship between the two men—Doc being the man of science who pooh-poohs that sort of superstitious nonsense from old wives, while Festus stubbornly clings to his simple country ways.

What really jolted me out of my jadedness was seeing the gentleman on the left turn up in this episode—none other than Steve Trevor hizzownself, Lyle Waggoner. (Yes, Lyle Waggoner in a western…will ceases never wonder.) The outlaw standing next to him is also a familiar TV face—Victor French, of Little House on the Prairie and Highway to Heaven fame.

Another interesting Gunsmoke installment I recently caught was “Bad Lady from Brookline”—in which a woman arrives in Dodge with her son via stagecoach…and finds the townsfolk strangely reticent when she inquires as to the whereabouts of her husband Calvin. I think you might recognize the individual who plays the woman from this screen cap:

Yep, the first thing I said was: “Son of a gun, that’s Betty Hutton”—surprised the heck out of me, because I thought by the time of this episode’s airing (05/01/65) I thought Hutton had packed it in as far as show business went. As Molly McConnell, Betty plays a woman who learns the hard truth from Marshal Dillon (James Arness) that the husband she’s been asking about is dead as the proverbial doornail, having accidentally been shot—but hubby’s former business partner, Sy Sherne (Claude Akins), is only too happy to inform Molly that it was Dillon who shot him. Molly decides that Matt hasn’t much longer to live, and purchases a gun in order to practice being proficient with the weapon…and dispatching our favorite marshal to Boot Hill in the process.

You’re probably wondering—hey, they’ve got Betty Hutton on hand…the least they could do is work in a few musical numbers. Well, writer Gustave Field doesn’t disappoint—Molly asks Miss Kitty (Amanda Blake) for a job at the Long Branch singing, and auditions with the old standard Silver Threads Among the Gold. Against Kitty’s better judgment, she hires Molly…but her rendition of Silver Threads doesn’t exactly wow ‘em in the Long Branch. It also doesn’t help matters much that Molly is dressed as if she’s the soloist in the church choir:

So Kitty lends her a dress, and gives her a few pointers on how to “sell” the song…the next thing you know, she’s layin’ ‘em in the aisles with Frankie and Johnny…

Of course, Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief would have worked just as well.

In the episode “Honey Pot” (05/15/65), one of Matt’s old riding buddies ventures into Dodge, a drifter named Ben Stack (Rory Calhoun). Stack makes the acquaintance of a saloon gal named—I’m not making this up, by the way—Honey Dare (Joanna Moore), and a romance quickly develops between the two of them. Now, Stack is completely unaware that Honey is a married woman, manacled to a gambler (John Crawford) who unfortunately doesn’t treat Honey right; he has a nasty tendency to inappropriately smack her around. Stack spots the two of them walking down a dusty Dodge street one night and being the jealous type, calls Gambler Boy out—when the man reaches up to take off his coat for a round of fisticuffs, Ben shoots him because he was convinced the gambler was going for a gun.

To further complicate matters, Ben saves Matt’s life not too long after from some peckerwood (Charles Maxwell) with an axe to grind comes close to ambushing our marshal (Ben steps out and takes the bullet meant for him), and while it’s touch-and-go at first, Ben eventually recovers from his wounds and is soon as fit as a fiddle to start sparking Honey again. The young lovers, however, are not as discreet as they should be—Matt pieces it together and realizes that Ben was responsible for shooting Honey’s hub…and while there’s a bit o’business where Dillon is prepared to resign as marshal because he can’t face having to arrest his old chum, everything eventually comes out in the wash.

“Honey Pot” isn’t a particularly remarkable Gunsmoke installment but there are a number of things that make it worth giving it the once-over; it’s one of the last episodes of the TV show written by co-creator John Meston (the notoriously reliable IMDb credits it to Clyde Ware, but that’s not what it says in the credits)—the man generally acknowledged to be the person responsible for the TV version of the radio oater not spectacularly falling on its face. Also, there are a number of familiar character faces in this one:

Hank “Mr. Ziffel” Patterson (Patterson was in quite a number of Gunsmokes, usually as the hired hand at the stables, which he plays here)…

Dick Wessel, who was a supporting player in most of the Columbia two-reel comedies…

…and the baddest serial villain of them all, Roy Barcroft...also a semi-regular. (I’ve also seen Barcroft in a comic episode of Have Gun – Will Travel [“The Long Weekend”]—he was practically unrecognizable as a miner who ventures into town once a year to let his hair down and usually ends up trashing the place…prompting the townsfolk to hire Paladin to keep the miner in line.)

That, of course, is Harry Bartell—an actor who also made sporadic appearances on the TV Gunsmoke…but on the radio version, he was on practically every week…

…and that gentleman might have scored the radio gig in lieu of William Conrad; Howard Culver played Dillon in a 1949 Gunsmoke audition that was heavily favored with the CBS Radio brass. Unfortunately, Culver was working for Mutual doing their Straight Arrow series at the time—and his contract stipulated that he couldn’t do any other western but that one. (Culver's consolation prize was that he became a semi-regular on the TV version, playing the hotel clerk at the Dodge House.)

Encore Westerns also runs the Gunsmoke movies CBS cranked out in the early 1990s and I caught one of them the other day, Gunsmoke: To the Last Man (1992). This one features Arness reprising the role of Dillon and chasing after a gang of cattle rustlers who also happen to be engaged in a blood feud with a rival family. You’ll enjoy these films if you’re a Gunsmoke fan—and the best thing about Last Man is that is features Pat Hingle as Dillon’s nemesis, a retired colonel who heads up a vigilante group that ends up hanging a young man who’s befriended Matt. Hingle could be considered a Gunsmoke semi-regular, having played the part of Dr. John Chapman in half a dozen episodes in 1971, filling in for a temporarily absent Milburn Stone.

The neatest thing about these televised western repeats is that the same character actors show up on all of them (playing different parts, of course)…and in some instances, on the same day. I watched a Virginian repeat, “Without Mercy” (02/15/67), which starred James Gregory as a stern rancher who’s not too crazy about Stacy Grainger (Don Quine) making time with his daughter. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Gregory’s on a Gunsmoke rerun entitled “The New Society” (05/22/65).

When I was attending Marshall University in 1982 and 1983, my friends and I would often play cards at late hours and one of the things we liked to do was watch Gunsmoke reruns, which were usually telecast over the independent WVAH-TV around midnight. We would sit and talk trash about various subjects, but the one thing that we could all commonly agree on was that Matt Dillon was The Man and we’d relish watching some young snot-nose who clearly was unaware that challenging the Marshal was the worst thing anybody could possibly entertain thoughts of doing. The episodes run by WVAH were the color ones telecast from 1966 and on—but because the TV set in my room was a black-and-white it somehow made the episodes better.

Mayberry Mondays #10: “Sam Gets a Ticket” (12/09/68, prod. no. 0105)

As this week’s installment of Mayberry Mondays begins, we find ourselves flummoxed at the sight of town council head Sam Jones (Ken Berry) actually working on his farm instead of frittering away precious afternoons hanging out at the shop of Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman). A pickup truck pulls up, and from it emerges Sam’s idiot son Mike (Buddy Foster) and Mayberry’s token black resident, Ralph Barton (Charles Lampkin)—who gave Mike a hand by offering him a lift home and putting Mike’s ride (his bicycle) in the back:

SAM (to Mike): How come you were so late?
MIKE: The teacher made me stay after school and write on the board a hundred times “I will not peek”…I wrote it 62 times today…I have to do the rest tomorrow…

Honest to my grandma, the first time I watched this I could have sworn the little mook said “I will not pee”—I thought that old bladder trouble of his had come back…

SAM: What were you peeking at?
MIKE: I wasn’t peeking…it’s just that we had an arithmetic test on the honor system…the teacher wasn’t in the room…
SAM: Oh…I see…
MIKE: I leaned over to borrow Sharon Pritchard’s eraser a couple of times and she told the teacher I was peeking…

Oh, I get it—he wasn’t looking at her paper, he was looking at her bodacious ta-tas. (Maybe the kid will grow up heterosexual after all.) Anyway, two other girls tell the teacher that Mike’s a little perv, and that’s how he ended up having to write on the blackboard. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is—I had to “write sentences” a lot when I was a kid, and the only harmful effect on me was an innate distrust of authority and a propensity for being a smartass. But Sam is nothing if not always in his son’s corner:

SAM: You know, if you really weren’t peeking, Mike—and I believe you—well, it doesn’t seem right you should be punished for it…does it, Ralph?
RALPH: It sure doesn’t…

Way to kiss his ass there, Ralphie boy! Look, school punishment is essentially a demonstration of the concept behind yin and yang. Mike will probably do something he’ll get away with later on, so this is just a way of evening the score. But Sam is no philosopher—he tells Mike that he should let his teacher know he didn’t do it (speaking from experience, I know that this usually results in a doubling of the punishment) and imparts these words of wisdom: “When you’re wrong, admit it…but when you’re right, fight.” (Okay, maybe he is a philosopher. He just isn’t a very good one.)

Mike promises his dad he’ll speak to his teacher, and as he exits into the house Sam and Ralph meditate on how life is difficult for kids (the hell it is—they’re not required to have jobs or pay for food, clothing and shelter, among other things). Ralph wants to borrow a power saw from Sam and Sam gives him the okay, also mentioning that he needs to run Aunt Bee (Francis Bavier) over to Mt. Pilot. Ralph warns his friend to be careful because they’ve been issuing a lot of tickets lately in that burg—not every North Carolina town has a sheriff as honest as good ol’ Andy Taylor.

In Mt. Pilot, Sam walks down a busy city street with a large package under his arm—and makes his way to his car, which is parked on a side street with Aunt Bee seated shotgun. She gives him directions to a fabric shop she wants to patronize, and so he takes a right onto the main drag and then a left…all the while being followed by a black-and-white. Sam pulls over to the curb when the patrolman (Don Wilbanks) puts on his siren, and he asks Aunt Bee: “What did I do wrong?” “I can’t imagine,” she replies, “but let’s be very pleasant—I understand it can be quite effective sometimes.”

HOPKINS: May I see your driver’s license, please?
SAM: Oh…sure! Sure thing… (He reaches into his wallet for his license, but can’t seem to locate it) That’s funny…probably the last thing…
AUNT BEE: You know, I think men carry more in their wallets than ladies do in their purses…
(They all laugh)
SAM (still chuckling): Oh, gosh…oh! Here it is…here it is…almost the last thing…
AUNT BEE: We’re visitors to your lovely city…
HOPKINS: Oh?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…we just came over here to shop…we believe in sharing our business…
HOPKINS: Well, fine…thank you…
SAM: Um…may I ask why you stopped me?
HOPKINS: Oh, you failed to signal for the turn you made at the intersection…

Dum-de-dum-dum…Sam is positive he had his turn indicator on, and Aunt Bee backs him up—but the officer claims he didn’t see a flash, and he commences to write out Mistah Jones a nice fat traffic ticket. But Aunt Bee continues to argue the point: “Now, we are law-abiding citizens and if we had broken the law we’d be the very first ones to admit it…so you can just stop writing that ticket. You’re just going to take our word for it and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

I’d like to be able to report that Officer McBacon then whips out his nightstick and repeatedly beats Aunt Bee about the face and shoulders with it…but that’s not likely to happen in a show as white bread and bland as this one. He hands Sam the ticket, and Sam thanks him unenthusiastically…with Aunt Bee admonishing him: “Well, you don’t have to be pleasant now, Sam…” Sam is certain he didn’t violate the law, and even checks out his signal light to see if the bulb is working.

SAM: Well, then why did he give me a ticket?
AUNT BEE: Oh, who knows…probably the policemen in this town have a daily quota or something…what date does it say you have to go to court?
SAM: Uh…the tenth…
AUNT BEE: Good…that’s Wednesday, I can go with you…
SAM: Oh, no…no, no…I’m not going to go to court, Aunt Bee…I’ll just mail the fine in…
AUNT BEE: Sam…the rightful course of American justice should never be ignored…

Aunt Bee’s been attending those Tea Party rallies again, I see. At the fabric shop, Aunt Bee asks the salesman (Clinton Sundberg) to see some dress material, while at the same time continuing to argue with Sam about appealing the traffic violation in court. Sam tries to explain to her that he doesn’t have time to argue the ticket in court, glossing over the fact that he always seems to be able to find enough hours in the day to piss around at Emmett’s. But Aunt Bee reminds him of what he told Mike about “when you’re right, fight”—and simultaneously rejecting each sample the salesman presents to her as “too blue” or not “blue enough.”

Sam suspects that there might be a short in the turn signal, and Aunt Bee suggests he have Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) check it out on their way back to Mayberry (provided Mayberry’s resident grease monkey isn’t too wrapped up in the latest issue of Captain Marvel, I’m guessing). As she continues to drive the sales clerk to distraction, she finally settles on choosing some material…the first bolt of cloth he showed her before her argument with Sam. The salesman reminds her of that fact, prompting Bee to respond: “I guess the light changed in here.” If this sounds funnier than it actually is…it is, believe me.

Back at Rancho Jones, Ralph has returned with Sam’s saw…and Aunt Bee needs to learn to Let. It. Go.

AUNT BEE: Now, Sam…this is my last word on the subject…there is nothing wrong with your electrical system, and if you pay for that ticket you’ll be a party to a miscarriage of justice…
SAM: Look, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE: …and supper will be at six…
(She storms off)
RALPH: Miscarriage of justice?
SAM: Yeah…like you said, Ralph—they were handing out tickets in Mt. Pilot…
RALPH: Speeding?
SAM: No, no, no…the officer said I didn’t turn on my turn indicator to signal for a left turn…
MIKE: Did you, Pa?
SAM: Well, I’m almost sure I did…Aunt Bee says I did, but…well, anyway, I got a ticket…but I haven’t got time to go to court…I’ve got too much work to do around here…
RALPH: Oh, well…I think that’s a five-dollar one…
SAM: Yeah…and it’s worth that to me, not having to kill what will probably be the better part of a day…
MIKE: Pa…you said it’s the principle of the thing that counts…
SAM: What?
MIKE: You know…when you were talking about to me about them saying I was peeking during the test…
SAM: Oh, well, uh…uh…well, that was different…

You are so busted, Councilman. Sam tries the old “you’re-too-young-to-understand” bullsh*t defense, but Mike may not be as dumb as he looks. And no parent likes having their smartass kids repeat their exact words back to them—take it from someone who’s got the bruises to prove it. Ralph shakes his head, trying not to laugh: “Well, seems like to me you ought to go to court then…” (Ralph’s not too big on that whole loyalty thing, is he?)

Because the source of these R.F.D. reruns were from their original repeats run on TVLand…and because their running time has been shortened by about three minutes (the shows, on average, run about 21:50) I’m guessing there was probably a scene where Sam took his car by Goober’s to check and see if his turn signal was working properly—since there’s a dissolve to a sequence where Aunt Bee is talking to his Goobness about being a character witness at Sam’s court appearance…with Goober beaming that he’s wearing his best suit. (Oh, yes…I’m sure that will win the judge over to Sam’s side.) Sam comes downstairs and asks if everybody’s ready, and Aunt Bee trills: “Now, Sam, tell me…don’t you feel good about this?” His reaction is a bit muted, to say the least.

The scene shifts to a courtroom in Mt. Pilot, where Officer Hopkins enters and walks up to where Sam, Aunt Bee and Goober are seated. They exchange “good mornings” and other pleasantries, but Aunt Bee doesn’t play that. “I don’t see the need to be all that friendly,” she scolds Sam. The door to the judge’s chambers opens, and out steps a clerk with the unmistakable speaking tones of OTR veteran Sam Edwards:

Hiya Sam! Clerk Edwards announces the first case on the docket, “the People vs. Sam Jones.” “Gosh, Sam,” observes Goober in his lovably stupid fashion, “I didn’t know everybody was against you.” (Oh, yeah…Goob as character witness…a brilliant legal strategy right out of Clarence Darrow’s playbook…)

Hey, there’s another familiar face—character actor Bill Quinn, whom you probably remember as the blind Mr. Van Renseleer on Archie Bunker’s Place. (I’m still laughing about that anecdote concerning Quinn and the day his daughter married Bob Newhart, by the way.*) Judge Quinn then asks city attorney McComb (Don Keefer) to proceed with the case, and Officer McFuzz is called to the stand. The officer’s testimony is pretty cut-and-dried, and when the attorney is finished with him McComb throws it over to Sam for cross-examination. Yes, you read that right—the old adage about a lawyer who represents himself “has a fool for a client” is clearly going to be demonstrated in full force despite the fact that Sam is not technically an attorney. Actually, he's not much of a farmer, either. (And besides, when Goober gets on that stand there’s going to be little doubt about the “fool” part.)

But for the time being, it’s Aunt Bee’s turn:

SAM: Aunt Bee…were you… (He corrects himself) Uh, Miss Taylor…were you with me in the car when the officer issued the summons?
AUNT BEE: Why, yes, I was sitting right next to you…
SAM: Uh-huh…and were you aware of me turning on the turn indicator?
AUNT BEE: Yes, I recall it very clearly…and I further want to state that if Mr. Jones says that he turned on the indicator, there should be no doubt about it…I not only know Mr. Jones but I know of his family, and they’re some of the most highly-respected people in all of Mayberry…
JUDGE: Yes, Miss Taylor…but…
AUNT BEE: …I know nothing of Officer Hopkins’ family…
SAM: Thank you, Aunt Bee, that will be all…
AUNT BEE: …all I know of Officer Hopkins is that in spite of our efforts to be congenial he was absolutely determined to give us a ticket…
JUDGE: Yes, Miss Taylor…now…
AUNT BEE: He seemed to have his mind all made up…
JUDGE: Yes…well…
AUNT BEE: …very strong-willed, if I may say so…
SAM: Aunt Bee, I think you’ve covered it…

As Aunt Bee steps down, she assures the judge that if there is any lingering doubt about whether or not the car’s electrical system is in working order, they’ve brought along an expert witness—she points to Goober, who grins in his inimitable Goober fashion. That’s pretty much Sam’s cue to “come on down” and illuminate His Honor with the nuts and bolts of automobile blinker systems…

SAM: Uh…Mr. Pyle…are you an expert on the electric systems in automobiles?
GOOBER (as if he’s rehearsed too many times): I am…I run my own gas station and when I was in training school I was the best one in my class on electricity… (Turning to the judge) I won a prize…twelve-volt battery…
JUDGE (nodding his head): Proceed, Mr. Jones…
SAM: Uh…your Honor…there was that possibility that I might have turned on my turn indicator but the light in the back of my car failed to flash…so I had Mr. Pyle here check it for me…uh…in checking over my car, did you find anything wrong with the bulbs…the wiring…or the turn indicators?
GOOBER: No…everything was in perfect order… (Again turning to the judge) I made up a little chart here to show just how the system works… (He shows off his display to the judge…but realizes he has the chart upside-down, so he turns it around) Now, Sam’s car has double-parallel indicators…which means, that when he’s making a left-hand signal…this little light on the inside of the car blinks like this… (He starts to wink with his left eye)

I have to admit, Goober’s continued demonstrations of how a turn signal works by eye-winking were very amusing, particularly since it looked as though he was flirting with the judge. The judge disappoints the audience by not having Goob committed, but instead concedes that Mayberry’s village idiot knows his stuff when it comes to cars. The city attorney then calls a surprise witness—Sam Jones to the stand!

McCOMB: Mr., Jones…flipping on the turn indicator is a rather automatic move, wouldn’t you say?
SAM: Well, yes…I suppose…
McCOMB: And do you…or your passenger…remember all the automatic things you do when you’re driving?
SAM: I…I’m not sure I know what you mean…
McCOMB: Well—did you drive here this morning?
SAM: Yes…
McCOMB: Did you park in the parking lot?
SAM: Yes…
McCOMB: Do you remember putting your foot on the brake when you came to a stop?
SAM: Well, I don’t…actually remember putting my foot on the brake…
McCOMB: Exactly—and that’s an honest answer…Mr. Jones, I believe you and your passenger, Miss Taylor, have made an honest mistake…you thought you flipped on the turn indicator…but what you were really remembering are the many other times when you did do it…isn’t that possible?
SAM: I…thought I turned it on…
McCOMB: You thought you turned it on…that’s all…

I’m surprised the way this guy got Sam to crumple on the stand that Sam also didn’t admit to being Cardinal Richelieu, who not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe...persecuted the Huguenots…took even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defense of their feudal independence…and died in December 1642.** According to the judge, Sam offered up a solid defense…but because there was “only one trained observer” at the scene of the incident (he’s referring to Officer McFlatfoot) he finds Sam guilty and sentences him to twenty years hard labor. No, hang on a sec—he’s fined Sam half a sawbuck (five dollars). (The look Sam gives Aunt Bee is priceless.)

Aunt Bee, Sam and Goober return to the fabric shop where she purchased the material earlier—now she needs some braid to go with it. She’s also chastising Sam because he’s not planning to appeal the decision. “You know, I might have to take this to the Supreme Court,” Sam says incredulously to Goober. Aunt Bee hasn’t noticed that the braid is caught in her purse, and she runs off with it as she follows Sam out the front door. Wacky!

Back at Jones Farm, county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) has decided to punch a time clock for this week’s episode as he, Sam, Goober, Mike and Ralph discuss the “miscarriage of justice” in the landmark case of People v. Sam Jones. “At least you fought for what you thought is right, Pa,” Mike points out helpfully, and Ralph backs him up by adding, “A man can’t do anymore than that.” But Aunt Bee still has a (if you’ll pardon the pun) bee in her bonnet about Sam’s appeal, and the pedantic Howard points out that he’d need new evidence for that to take place. Quicker than you can say “deux ex machina,” Sam walks toward the back of his auto and notices something peculiar about the taillights…he excuses himself from his friends, explaining that he has to put in a call to Mt. Pilot.

Sam has assembled Aunt Bee, Officer Hopkins and the judge in the same spot his auto was before he made that fateful left turn down that busy Mt. Pilot street…and he notes that it’s the same time of day as when he was originally cited for not properly signaling (the patrolman backs him up on this). He announces that he will now turn on his signal blinker…

…and nothing happens. But his turn signal is on—it’s just washed out from the sun’s glare…

“By George…I certainly could have been mistaken, Judge…that sun really washes it out,” apologizes Officer Hopkins in a situation that in no way resembles anything that’s ever occurred in real life. (In a more plausible scenario, Hopkins would have once again reached for that nightstick and wore out the business end of it on Sam, while the judge would have thought up a new list of charges…felonious jaywalking, aggravated sassedness, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.) But back to Fantasyland—the judge informs Sam that his fire will be refunded, and Aunt Bee delivers a stirring speech: “Your Honor…my faith in the jurisprudence of the United States has been restored…our forefathers did not fight in vain.” (Don’t think Aunt Bee would have gotten off scot-free, either—they would have sent her punk ass to a maximum prison facility where some lifer would have ended up making her her bitch.)

Okay, let’s wrap this one up—notice how the producers of R.F.D. have chosen to close out this episode with a shot of Sam on the front porch, strumming on a guitar, while his idiot son whittles with a sharp instrument that’s surely going to take out a thumb…in a patently transparent attempt to evoke memories of The Andy Griffith Show. Sam admits that Aunt Bee was right in convincing him to fight city hall, and Mike tells his father that he told his teacher he wasn’t peeking “and she believed me!”

MIKE: You know…I think women are a lot smarter than men…
SAM: Well…
MIKE: Like all my teachers are women…
SAM: Yeah…women are smart, all right…
MIKE: But you have to have men on the earth, too…
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…
MIKE: Otherwise, women wouldn’t have anybody to take charge of…

Andy…Opie…please come back…all is forgiven…

After taking a sabbatical for three consecutive episodes, Aunt Bee returns to glorious sitcom triumphs in this episode, which means our patented Thrilling Days of Yesteryear Bee-o-Meter™ count stands at five installments. “Sam Gets a Ticket” was penned by comedy scribe Elroy Schwartz—younger brother of the well-known Sherwood Schwartz (and Al, their older brother and also a comedy writer) who started out in radio writing for Bob Hope, Danny Thomas, Alan Young, Ozzie & Harriet and Hattie McDaniel (Beulah). Sherwood and brother Al later got a foothold in television working for Red Skelton, but Sherwood is best remembered for two critically-lambasted sitcoms that ended up being champs in rerun syndication: Gilligan’s Island and The Brady Bunch. Elroy was able to follow in his brother’s footsteps by being gainfully employed on both of these programs (in fact, he co-wrote Gilligan’s original pilot) but he also contributed to legendary sitcoms My Favorite Martian, McHale’s Navy, My Three Sons and Family Affair. Schwartz’s other R.F.D. script, “Sam the Expert Farmer,” isn’t due up in the rotation for a while—instead, next week we’re invited to a birthday party on behalf of one of Mayberry’s most solid citizens.

*From Stephen Bowie’s interview with character actor Jason Wingreen:

Another story: Bill Quinn’s daughter, Ginny, married Bob Newhart. It was a huge Hollywood wedding, in a Catholic church in Los Angeles. It was packed with top Hollywood names, big names. During the big moment when Bill Quinn leads his daughter down the aisle to give her away in marriage to Bob Newhart, as they passed a certain part of the house on their way down, there was an outburst of laughter from someone in the audience. Which certainly was not the customary thing to happen at this solemn occasion.

So after the wedding was over, there was a big reception. Everybody milling around. Bill Quinn’s there, and a friend of his, Joe Flynn, comes dashing up and says, “Oh, Billy, I’m so sorry. That was me who did that! I couldn’t help myself.”

Bill Quinn says, “What the hell! What happened?”

Joe Flynn says, “Well, I’ll tell ya. When you and Ginny started down the aisle and got past the row where we were sitting, this guy next to me said, ‘Look who they got for the father!’”

**Obligatory Monty Python joke.