Mayberry Tuesdays #16: “Aunt Bee and the Captain” (01/20/69, prod. no. 0119)

Last week on Mayberry Mondays, the town’s resident spinster and future cat-lady* Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Francis Bavier) took a Caribbean cruise, fell in love with the captain (Will Geer) piloting the ship and convinced him to retire and move to television’s favorite sleepy little hamlet where presumably they will live out their remaining years clipping coupons and constantly adjusting the house thermostat because one is too hot and the other too cold. Aunt Bee’s intended hasn’t touched down in Mayberry yet, but she’s anxiously preparing for his arrival as our episode opens—she makes her entrance from the back exit of the kitchen carrying in some lovely posies, as city council head/poor dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) and his idiot son Mike (Buddy Foster) look on…

AUNT BEE: Oh my, it’s nice outside…it’s just a beautiful, beautiful day…
SAM: Yeah…
AUNT BEE: Oh, and I’m so glad the roses are in bloom—Charles just loves flowers…

I hear he’s partial to African violets. We hear the front doorbell, and Aunt Bee excuses herself to see who’s at the door. Sam and Mike continue one of those awkward conversations that fathers and sons often have when they have nothing else to talk about.

MIKE: I don’t think it’s such a beautiful day…it’s kind of hot and dusty…
SAM: Well…you’re not engaged to be married…

And until opinion starts to swing toward acceptance of same-sex marriage in Mayberry, he probably never will—because let’s face it…no woman is going to risk marrying that kid and bringing more idiot children into the world…anyway, the visitor at the door is an elderly woman named Ella Fairchild—who’s played by veteran character actress Renie Riano, a face you might recognize from the Nancy Drew films cranked out by Warner Bros. in 1938 and 1939 (she played the Drew’s housekeeper, Effie Schneider). Ella wants to know all the sordid details about how Bee managed to land her beau—how did they meet, when did he propose, and how many roofies did she slip into his drink—and Aunt Bee, of course, has to show off her ring to her friend. Before Bee can fill her in, she’s interrupted by the phone.

AUNT BEE: Oh, hello, Mr. Foley…uh-huh… (To Sam, who’s just entered the room) It’s for me, Sam, it’s all right… (Sam whispers a greeting to Ella and she does a little bit of business of pointing to her ring finger to let him know she’s checked out Bee’s bling) Hello…oh? Aw…I wanted the baby shrimp for the salad…you think you could order me some? The reception isn’t till Tuesday…
ELLA: Reception?
SAM: Yes, it’s an engagement reception for the captain…
AUNT BEE (to Ella): The captain’s arriving tomorrow…he’s going to stay right here… (Back on the phone) What about the rest of the order, Mr. Foley?
ELLA (to Sam): Oh, I just love those shipboard romances…you know, I’ve always thought I might take a Caribbean cruise myself…how did they meet?
SAM: Well, I think they met…
AUNT BEE (still on the phone, but talking to Ella): Second day out on deck…we just got talking and…one thing led to another, and…well, that night, we stayed up till almost ten-thirty just chatting, and… (Back to the phone) Oh…Mister…would you start over, Mr. Foley—I was interrupted…
ELLA (to Sam): When did he propose?
SAM: Well, according to Aunt Bee, he…
AUNT BEE (again interrupting, this time clutching the phone to her chest): Last night out…it was chilly on deck, and he invited me into his cabin for coffee and biscuits…and…
SAM: Aunt Bee…Aunt Bee, maybe it would be better if I talked to Mr. Foley and you talked to Ella, huh?

Aunt Bee hands the phone off to Sam, who continues on the phone with the unseen Foley trying to straighten out the grocery order while Bee gossips with Ella. Apparently the man managing the Mayberry A&P is all out of wild raspberry ice cream and is trying to fob off chocolate as a substitute but Aunt Bee will have none of that nonsense, particularly since wild raspberry is Charles’ favorite. What I found particularly disturbing here is not that Foley doesn’t keep wild raspberry in his freezer, but the sudden appearance of this “Ella Fairchild” dame who’s apparently bosom buddies with the Beemeister…where is Clara “Always a bridesmaid…and even then, only if someone’s phoned in sick” Edwards (Hope Summers), Mayberry’s resident snoopy busybody who has been so well established on both R.F.D. and The Andy Griffith Show as being so palsy-walsy with Aunt Bee?


My guess is that Clara is so upset at the news of Bee’s impeding nuptials that she’s become a bitter and frustrated old lesbian who’s now practicing witchcraft and plans to turn Captain Fiance into a newt. Sam asks Foley if Aunt Bee can call him back later, and as Bee continues to chatter away with her replacement friend, he says to himself: “Boy…this being a bride can really get hectic.”

The scene shifts to a copy of The Mayberry Gazette—or whatever they call the scandal rag in that town—and we hear county clerk Howard Sprague remark: “Sure is a big month for engagements…” “Sure is,” responds village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey). “Sherry Reeves, Jan Benson and Aunt Bee…” Howard grabs the paper from Goober as Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), fiddles with some wire.

HOWARD: Sherry Reeves…Phi Beta Phi and cheerleader at the University of North Carolina announces her engagement to Ricky Forbes of Mt. Pilot…they plan a June wedding and will live in Raleigh where Ricky will start to work in his father’s firm…hmm…
EMMETT: Real nice little girl…
HOWARD: Oh, yeah…
GOOBER: What’s it say about Aunt Bee?
HOWARD: Uh…Miss Bee Taylor, alumnus of West Virginia normal school…

Oh…I think I’ll let that one go…though it’s awfully tempting…

HOWARD: …announces her engagement to Captain Charles Wolford, soon to retire after forty-six years in the maritime service…
EMMETT: I can’t believe it…Aunt Bee engaged…
GOOBER: Bless her heart…

Buh-less her little heart!

EMMETT: Real whirlwind romance…
HOWARD (after a pause): Say, fellas…you don’t think Aunt Bee kind of rushed into this thing, do you?
EMMETT: I don’t know…I hope she fell for the man and not the uniform…

Well, that’s something you’ll never have to worry about. The door to the shop opens and in walks Sam, just on time to fritter away the afternoon hours hanging around a bunch of cretins instead of doing important things like…oh, I don’t know…farmwork, maybe.

SAM: I just wanted to remind you about the reception—you’re gonna be there, aren’t you?
EMMETT: Oh, sure…wouldn’t miss it…
HOWARD: Yes, sir…we all want to get a good look at the captain…
GOOBER: Kind of size him up…
SAM: What?
EMMETT: Oh, don’t worry, Goob…Sam’s not gonna let Aunt Bee get married without checkin’ up on the guy…
GOOBER (to Sam): What did you find out?
SAM: Look, guys…I don’t know anything more about it than you do…just what Aunt Bee told me…
GOOBER: You mean you’re gonna let some sailor walk in here and marry her without asking any questions?
SAM: Ohhh…
HOWARD: Look, I want to know how come after forty-six years of footloosing around the world he wants to get married?
SAM: Well, I don’t know! Maybe he loves her!
EMMETT: He’s probably got a girl in every port!

I hate to admit this, but Goober has a point. (Might be why he wears the beanie.) How do we know this guy doesn’t already have a family somewhere?

Oh, I’m probably reading too much into this…

HOWARD: The thing that gets me is him wanting to buy a farm and settle down…now that doesn’t sound at all like a sailor…
GOOBER: No, sir! And I’ll tell you one thing—I’m sure gonna keep an eye on him at that reception…
HOWARD: You betcha…somebody has to…

Knowing that you three idiots are banding together to use your moronic powers for good instead of evil…makes me wish I’d put the glass of iced tea down before I saw the above screencap on my monitor.

The night of the reception party, they’ve got Mike the Idiot Boy manning the front door—and I thought it was kind of funny how he refers to “Miss Fairchild” and “Mr. Sprague”…but calls our favorite gas pump jockey “Goober,” suggesting that Mr. Pyle’s childlike personality negates his getting any sort of respect from much younger children. “You’re supposed to go over and meet the groom,” Mike tells Goober and Howard, “then you’re supposed to have some punch.” “Well…after that, let the joy be unrestrained!” minces Howard, to which Mike replies: “I don’t know…Aunt Bee says she hopes it breaks up ten o’clock.”

Ella, because she’s been Aunt Bee’s BFF for—what, four minutes and fifty-five seconds now?—is falling all over Captain Wolford, who remarks for all to hear: “Well, as soon as I saw Bee, I said ‘Lash me to the mast, or I’m lost’…” Um…right.

HOWARD (giving Wolford the once-over): Well, there he is…
GOOBER: Yeah…that uniform’s a little show-off, don’t you think?
HOWARD: Too much…
(Howard and Goober make their way over to where Aunt Bee, Charles, Sam and Millie are standing…)
GOOBER: Hi, Sam…
SAM: Hi, fellas…welcome aboard! (Chuckles)
AUNT BEE: Captain, may I present Mr. Goober Pyle and Mr. Howard Sprague…
GOOBER (shaking Wolford’s hand): Howdy do…
HOWARD (also shaking hands): Captain…you’re getting a great girl here, you know…
GOOBER: We think a lot of our Aunt Bee…
CHARLES: So do I…
HOWARD: We all sure want the best for her…
SAM (trying to relieve the awkwardness): Uh…plenty of punch and cookies, fellas…
GOOBER: Oh, yeah… (Frowning at Wolford) Always figured Aunt Bee’d marry a local boy…

Howard and Goober make their way over to the punch bowl, where Emmett is pouring himself a glass of joy juice and scarfing down shrimp puffs like nobody’s business. (By the way, where the hell is Emmett’s wife Martha [Mary Lansing]—did she not get an invite?)

HOWARD: What do you think of the captain, Emmett?
EMMETT: I’m gonna take a lot of convincin’…
GOOBER: Me, too…little too smooth…
HOWARD: He’s got a good strong handshake…
EMMETT: Yeah…so does a used car salesman…

Is it just me, or does it seem like these three bozos are jealous of this guy? Well, Captain Handshake is coming over for some punch, so let’s listen in…

CHARLES: Ah…how’s it going, fellas?
EMMETT: Oh, fine…fine…
HOWARD (after a pause): Nice day…wasn’t it?
CHARLES: Uh, yes…
EMMETT: Warmer tomorrow…
CHARLES: Mm-hmm…
GOOBER: I guess you’ve sowed your wild oats…

Could I get an official time on that? Yes, Goober went sixteen seconds without saying something stupid—we have a new Mayberry record!

GOOBER: I mean, you bein’ a cruise ship captain and all that…
CHARLES: Well, that’s all behind me now…now that I’m in Bee’s hands, I’m going to be a…married man…
EMMETT: I guess you know that marriage is a sacred institution…lot more to it than just sailin’ around, dancin’ and eatin’ caviar…
CHARLES: I know how you fellas feel about your Aunt Bee, but…she means everything in the world to me…most marvelous thing that ever walked into my life, you’ve got to believe that…
HOWARD (looking contrite): Well…of course we do…
CHARLES: All I want to do is to…take care of her…and I know I can…but it’d be a lot easier if I had her…friends on my side…
EMMETT: Well, we didn’t say we weren’t…
HOWARD: Gosh, no… (Clapping Wolford on the back) Charlie…
GOOBER: You ever been in jail?

Could I get an official time on that? Yes, Goober went thirty-six seconds without saying something stupid—we have yet another new Mayberry record!

Ah, Mayberry. How I love to walk alongside your babbling brooks…your lush green meadows…your orchards swollen with ripe fruit…how I…ferchrissake, would somebody put a Chinese take-out in this burg before I go out of my ever-lovin’ mind!

Sorry about that…just a touch of cabin fever. Anyway, this is Cy Winters’ place—he’s anxious to sell the whole kit and caboodle and move to where all the Starbucks are…and he’s found a right pigeon in Captain AARP and his wife-to-be. (The real estate agent has also been careful to downplay the history of Rancho Winters, particularly that nasty bit of diphtheria they had a summer ago.) Sam, Charles and Aunt Bee emerge from the barn…and yes, I’m going to leave that joke alone, too.

SAM: Well, it’s in good repair, Charles…and the soil’s good—you won’t have any trouble with the crop…
CHARLES: Oh, it’s wonderful…
SAM: You might have to dicker a little about the price, though…old Cyrus squeezes a dollar pretty hard, you know…
CHARLES: No need to worry about that—I’ve haggled with the best of them, from Tangier to Singapore…
SAM: Yeah…I’m going to go down and check that pump…I’ll see you in a minute…

Sam excuses himself with the old "checking-the-pump" story because he’s probably figured out—as have the rest of us—that Captain Barter is going to segueway into a few anecdotes about just what he was negotiating for from Tangier to Singapore…and he’d rather not have those images burned onto his retinas, thank you very much.

CHARLES: It’s what I’ve always dreamed about…but what about you—would you be happy here?
AUNT BEE: Oh, Charles…you know I would…
CHARLES: Forty-six years I’ve wasted at sea…look, Bee—let’s set the date…
AUNT BEE: You mean the wedding?
CHARLES: Why not? What are we waiting for?
AUNT BEE: Oh, my goodness…I have so many things to plan…the invitations…and my trousseau…
CHARLES: What about a week from Sunday?
AUNT BEE: It’s a date!

After all—they’re not getting any younger. So the lucky couple tell Sam that the wedding is on…and he’s so happy he never entertains any thought of contacting this individual…

You see, this was my first clue that somehow things aren’t going to turn out all peachy-keen for Aunt Bee and her salt-spray paramour. I mean, I know we’ve seen signs of strain in the Taylor family on this show in the past—but surely a blood relative like the former sheriff of Mayberry would get an invite to this clambake.

The scene shifts to the living room at Casa del Jones, where Mike the Idiot Boy is watching an old movie (they used to show them on local television stations back then…good times…good times) and he’s filling in Aunt Bee on what she’s missed, including a “neat typhoon.” Two of the characters in the film, a schoolteacher and a seafaring man, are having an intimate conversation that we overhear from the TV set as Aunt Bee watches in rapt fascination:

CAPTAIN (audio): Darling…ask me anything, but…not that…the sea is in my blood, I don’t know anything else…
TEACHER (audio): We’ll build a new life together…
CAPTAIN (audio): No…no, I can’t…I would…wither away…
TEACHER (audio): My dearest…why?
MIKE (shouting at the screen): Because it’s a lot more fun than she is!
AUNT BEE: Mike…shhh…
CAPTAIN (audio): How can I explain? How can I make you understand? It’s a man’s world…the world of Columbus, Magellan, John Paul Jones…my world…it’s the deck under your feet…the salt-spray in your face…oh, we might find a moment’s happiness, but…sometime…someday…the sea would call me back…
MIKE (disgusted): I’m going to bed…
TEACHER (audio): I need you…I’m a woman…
CAPTAIN (audio): So is the sea…a beautiful, passionate, jealous mistress who never frees her men…a sailor can turn his back on her…but never his heart…
(Aunt Bee starts sniffling)
TEACHER (audio): Oh, Todd…
CAPTAIN (audio): I’m sorry, Gretchen…we’re from different worlds…and I must go back to mine…farewell…my love…

One of the peculiarities about television programs is that when characters on them watch TV, they just happen to coincidentally tune into shows or movies whose subject matter mirrors what’s going on in their own lives. There’s no explanation for this—it’s just a way of life. Charles comes downstairs with his jacket and an envelope just as Bee is turning off the television set.

CHARLES: Ah, Bee…I think I’ll go mail this letter down at the crossroads…
AUNT EEE: Oh—well, it’s late…why don’t you do that tomorrow?
CHARLES: Well, I like to take a little stroll…it’s the old salt in me, I guess…at sea, I always took a walk on the bridge before I turned in…eh…you want to come?
AUNT BEE: No…no, you go ahead…
CHARLES: I’ll be right back… (He heads out the door, singing Blow the Man Down to himself)

You know—I think I’ve figured out why relations between Aunt Bee and Clara are so strained in this episode…Captain Wolford’s having an affair with the old biddy! The next morning, Aunt Bee’s in the kitchen—clearly distracted and the dialogue from last night’s late show is reverberating in her head. Sam comes in for breakfast and asks her if a neighbor called about delivering a load of feed but Bee’s lost in the cheese aisle somewhere, paying no attention. (I liked Sam’s dialogue about his busy day: “Well, I’ll pick it up…I have to go into the council office today, anyway…budget meeting…I gotta get a haircut, too…squeeze that in some time.” You know, Sam, you might be able to budget your schedule better if you spent less time hanging out at Emmett’s, where the topic of conversation rarely rises above whether or not Superman could beat up Batman.)

AUNT BEE: Was Columbus married?
SAM: Hmm?
AUNT BEE: Christopher Columbus…
SAM: Uh…I don’t believe I ever heard…why?
AUNT BEE: Just wondered…I doubt it…not when a man has a passionate, jealous mistress…
SAM: Columbus?
AUNT BEE: Hmm? Oh, no…the sea…I can’t imagine why anyone would want salt spray in their face all the time…
SAM: Aunt Bee, what are we talking about?

Your guess is as good as mine, Sam—but I think we’ve been expecting something like this for quite some time now. I’ll distract her with this needlepoint while you get on the horn and make those calls to the places we discussed earlier. Aunt Bee continues to prattle on about seafaring men until she finally explains to Sam that she’s talking about the movie she saw last night. (Seriously, Sam—some of those places aren’t all that bad…this one here has square dancing!)

There’s a edited-for-syndication-mandated swipe to a close-up of a model ship, because Captain Chick Flick is helping Mike the Idiot Boy with assembling the project in the kitchen by pointing out the various parts of the boat…and he pretty much has to, otherwise the little mook will start huffing the Testor’s. Aunt Bee comes in with a bag of groceries and asks Charles if he could work on the ship later because they have to discuss the music they’re going to choose for the wedding. Wolford begs off, telling Bee she knows more about that he does (loosely translated: “That’s women’s work—us manly men must continue until this model is finished…pass the Testor’s, boy…”)…which is her cue to look sad and concerned again.

There is then a dissolve to the Jones’ living room, where Reverend No-Last-Name (William Keene) is helping out with the wedding rehearsal. Aunt Bee asks Charles if one of his fellow captains is attending the nuptials with his wife, prompting Wolford to observe that his colleague isn’t married. When she inquires as to whether there are any captains who are married, he responds: “Some”—which is her cue to continue looking sad and concerned. Howard asks the Rev what all a best man does, which would seem to suggest that he’s been tabbed for that function at the wedding…and which goes to show time and time again that irony can be pretty ironic.

REVEREND: Just a minute…now this is where the music begins…
(Goober starts humming a funeral march, and Emmett playfully socks him in the shoulder)
SAM: Come on, Goob…
REVEREND: Okay, Millie…you start to walk slowly toward me…
(Millie starts to promenade down “the aisle”)
CHARLES: On board my ship, I’d-a have them spliced and on their honeymoon by now…
HOWARD: Hey, that’s right—you’ve probably done some marryin’ yourself, huh?
CHARLES: You’d be surprised how many people I’d get married on board ship…I spliced one couple right in the middle of a storm…
(The Reverend directs Sam and Aunt Bee to follow while Charles is relating his anecdote)
HOWARD: Hey…!
CHARLES: The wind was blowing thirty knots…and we were shipping green water over the bow…the barometer was falling…oh…that reminds me of a storm we had once in the Hebrides…now there was a real test of seamanship…

Aunt Bee then calls the proceedings to a halt, using as the flimsy excuse that she’s lacking several items for her trousseau and that they can’t be obtained in Mayberry (well, when you can’t get wild raspberry ice cream you know it’s pretty much the end of the world as we know it) so she’s going to have to go to Raleigh. But it doesn’t take a fix-it shop owner to figure out what’s going on here…she’s just come to the realization that she’s going to have to hear these excruciatingly boring stores about the sea every friggin’ night for the rest of her life.

AUNT BEE: You see…where are we going to get daisies at this time of the year?
CHARLES: We don’t have to have daisies…
AUNT BEE: Well, if we don’t have daisies I’ll have to change the whole color scheme…and the reception, you know, is just half-planned…we don’t have a long table…who’s going to take the pictures…?
REVEREND: Please, Bee…it is getting late…now, I’ll do the ring service…all right…now, you have the rings…and then I say blah-blah-blah…and then you say “I do” and “I do”…and then I say “I now pronounce man and…”
AUNT BEE: No! No, I can’t do it…
CHARLES: What? Bee…
AUNT BEE: I’m so sorry, Charles, but we’re going to have to postpone the wedding…
SAM: But, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE: I know, I know…I’m upsetting everything but I just need a little more time…just a little more time…would you please excuse me?

And with that, she runs out of the room and upstairs…after a pause, Millie agrees to go after her. (I have to hand it to the old girl—she dodged a bullet on that one.) Charles is a bit perplexed by this turn of events but the Reverend assures him that is nothing new—“Happens all the time with these young brides.” Howard, in particular, is concerned about the status of the wedding: “I hope it’s before Monday…I have to take my tuxedo back.”

Later that evening, Aunt Bee and Charles are snogging on the front porch and Wolford asks her when they are going to get married…but Bee keeps begging off with the “I-just-need-a-little-more-time” roundelay. Finally, she comes clean about her trepidations:

AUNT BEE: Well, the other night I saw a movie called The Lure of the Deep…oh, I know it’s not important but…Charles, I’ve been watching you…I still think you’re in love with the sea…
CHARLES: I am through with the sea—I am a landlubber from now on! A bachelor landlubber who wants to get married to a very lovely…mixed-up lady…
AUNT BEE: Oh, Charles, I hope so…but I do want to be sure…
CHARLES: I want you to be sure…

Charles then informs Bee that he’s going back to the ship tomorrow to pick up some of his gear, and he invites her to come along…but she tells him to go on without her, adding that he needs a little time alone. Back on board, Wolford chats up his former first mate Spencer (Bob Kline) and as he walks around the captain’s deck he puts his hands on the ship’s wheel…and the wavy lines that signal a daydream begin…




That’s right. The guy dreamt about ocean waves. That’s it. Congratulations, Captain—you just had the most boring flashback in the history of situation comedies.

Back at Rancho Jones, Captain Wolford is showing off a telescope to Mike the Idiot Boy—one that apparently belonged to Wolford’s father. Mike is starting to develop a wanderlust for the sea despite the fact that he’s only nine years old.

MIKE: How old do you have to be to run away to sea?
CHARLES: Well, I’d think twice before I did that, Mike…

Shut up, you senile old coot—if he wants to run away from home, he should be encouraged to do so, full speed ahead and stow the mizzen mast…

MIKE: Someday I’m going to go to sea…
CHARLES: Why—you’ve got a good home here…good farm…lots of real friends…I’d think twice before I did that, Mike…
MIKE: I could always come back…

…and that’s the reason for our concern. Apparently this wet dream (sorry—I couldn’t resist) that Wolford had while gripping his wheel (sorry—couldn’t resist that one, either) has made him nostalgic for the siren call of the sea: “Once you’ve gone to sea, it’s…something about it gets into your blood…you know, it’s not like walking out of an ordinary job…the sea won’t let go of you that easily…you know, I’ve known some men who’ve spent all their lives at sea…just dreaming of retiring ashore…they think they can settle down, but…something out there just…pulling them back…”

Well, it’s time for this charade to come to an end—it’s obvious that Wolford, despite being a decent enough sort, has a few more barnacles he needs to scrape and that even though he would go through the wedding if Aunt Bee asked him to, she tells him that the sea is his first love…and that she’d always be jealous. “A woman like you shouldn’t have to share a man’s love,” he laments…apparently he’s never been in town when the liquor starts to flow freely at the church rummage sale. So Captain Heartbreaker returns home to Walton’s Mountain…and somewhere in Mayberry, Clara Edwards cackles with delight as she dances naked around a bonfire (seriously—I’ve got to stop writing things like that).

Sam and Millie try to console Aunt Bee but considering their own relationship hasn’t ventured further than holding hands near the donut glazer they’re probably not the ones who should offer counsel. “I had a beautiful interlude in my life and I won’t regret one moment of it,” Bee philosophizes. “Well, I’ve got one thing to say,” adds Millie, “when you have a shipboard romance, you really have one.”

AUNT BEE: Guess I’ll never know whether he has a girl in every port…but I do know he’ll always have one in Mayberry…now, enough of that—life goes on, and I’ll put it out of my mind and forget all about it…

She sits down, and glancing at her watch exclaims: “Oh my goodness…it’s nearly eight bells…”

Coda time!

Sam is putting Mike the Idiot Boy to bed, but his son demands a bedtime story…

SAM: A bedtime story? You’re gettin’ a little old for that, aren’t you?
MIKE: Heck—the captain told me a story every night when he was here!
SAM: He did?
MIKE: Yeah…all about hurricanes and pirates and rescues and mutinies…boy, they were all great!
SAM: Yeah, I’ll bet…well…okay…let’s see now…

“The end of the Civil War was near…when quite accidentally…a hero, who sneezed, abruptly seized retreat and reversed it to victory…”

With the conclusion of this stirring romantic saga, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-meter™ clocks in another appearance from the beloved housekeeper, making a total of eight show-ups (and we’ve sat through sixteen episodes, so that’s fifty percent) for the season. Next week—and it will be on Monday; again, I apologize for the delay—an episode that’s ranked among the Top Ten R.F.D. episodes at TV.com…featuring the beloved town simpleton who cleans your windshield and gives you service with a smile.

*Okay, I felt a slight twinge of guilt in making this reference because apparently after actress Frances Bavier retired, that’s pretty much what she became, adopting the existence of a recluse. Interestingly, she played a “lady with a cat” in her last film/television role in the 1974 movie Benji—which also features fellow rural sitcom performers Edgar Buchanan and Tom Lester.

Mayberry Mondays #15: “Aunt Bee's Cruise” (01/13/69, prod. no. 0118)

We have a special surprise in store for us on this week’s installment of Mayberry Mondays: every member of the cast is present and accounted for, including Mike Jones (Buddy Foster), the cretinous son of city council head and poor-but-honest dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry). (I was tempted here to make a joke along the lines of “The Full Mayberry”—but wiser heads prevailed.) Whether Mike the Idiot Boy escaped or has been furloughed from the reform school they apparently stuck him in goes without comment, but as our scene opens he’s tromping down the stairs at Casa del Sam, and he spots Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) thumbing a very impressive wad of bills…suggesting that she’s tallying up last night's receipts from the whorehouse she’s operating in Mayberry on the side…

MIKE: Whatcha doin’, Aunt Bee?
AUNT BEE: Making out a deposit slip…I’m going to put some money in my savings account…
MIKE: You do that a lot, don’tcha?
AUNT BEE: Mmm…ohh…saving is very important…
MIKE: Whatcha saving for?
AUNT BEE: Ohhhh…rainy day, I guess…
MIKE: Don’tcha ever spend anything?
AUNT BEE: Well, of course, Mike…for my clothes and whatever my needs are…

Funny…I don’t think of Aunt Bee as a woman with “needs”…but now that I have thought of it, I feel…icky…

MIKE: Well, I know it’s important to save…but isn’t there something you really want? Like when I bought my baseball glove?
AUNT BEE (in a slight reverie): Well…I’ve always dreamed of taking a Caribbean cruise…Jamaica…Trinidad…Puerto Rico… (Sighing) They always sound like such enchanting places…
MIKE: Well, why don’tcha spend some money and go?
AUNT BEE: Oh, Mike…you just don’t…I mean, it’s not possible…
MIKE: I think you oughta go…

He seems awfully anxious to get her out of the house—do you suppose this has something to do with the fact that he’s been hiding his bed sheets of late? Aunt Bee saunters out of the house with money and deposit slip, still in a reverie as exotic music plays in the background. Outside, the hero of this sitcom is on a ladder making a repair to the roof…

AUNT BEE (calling up to him): I was going to the bank with the deposit…
SAM: Oh…fine…fine…
AUNT BEE: Saving money for a rainy day is a wonderful thing…
SAM: Oh, yeah…no question about it…
AUNT BEE: You mean I shouldn’t have any fun?
SAM: What?
AUNT BEE: Well, after all…the rainy day may never come—now we can’t always think negatively, can we, Sam?
SAM: Aunt Bee…what are we talking about?
AUNT BEE: The Caribbean cruise…
SAM: Caribbean cruise?
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s what I’ve been saving for all these years…it’s what I’ve really wanted to do…
SAM: Well, it seems to me that…
AUNT BEE: I know, I shouldn’t do it…you’ve made that perfectly clear, and you’re probably right…
SAM: …I think you should go…
AUNT BEE: …but it’s what I’ve always wanted to do…I know, a rainy day could come at any time…
SAM: I said…I think you should go!
AUNT BEE: Sam? You really think I should go?
SAM: Sure! Of course! I say go and have yourself a ball!

Maybe it’s just me, but it would seem that Aunt Bee is one of the most pliable characters in the history of television sitcoms…she starts out the morning by doing a mundane task like preparing to go by the bank and the next thing you know she’s blowing the whole kitty on a pleasure trip. (On a future show, Aunt Bee is programmed to assassinate a presidential candidate in an entry entitled “The Mayberryian Candidate.”) Giddy as a schoolgirl, she’s off to book the cruise, and we dissolve to a close-up of an atlas that’s being perused by village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) in the shop of Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman)…

HOWARD: …from what she told me, her first stop will be Bermuda—then over here to the Bahamas, then down to Puerto Rico…Trinidad…Barbados…up to Jamaica here, then swing on home…
GOOBER: That sure sounds like a great trip…
HOWARD: Oh, it’s more than just a trip, Goob…it’s an escape from reality…
GOOBER: It is?
HOWARD: Oh, yeah…I’ve been there, you know…every island is a tropical paradise…

Howard, of course, is making reference to the events that take place in “Howard’s New Life” (12/18/67), an episode of The Andy Griffith Show in which he leaves his vapid, meaningless existence in Mayberry for a vapid, meaningless existence in the Caribbean. That episode as well as this one was penned by writers Dick Bensfield and Perry Grant, and as eighth-season Griffith episodes go it’s pretty average…though there is a funny dream sequence where Sheriff Andy and Helen (Aneta Corsaut) go to visit their old friend, who’s now become a beachcombing bum who spends his copious free time in a dive run by Harry Dean Stanton.

Aunt Bee enters the shop, and the regulars begin to talk up her trip—which is apparently the biggest news to hit town since they installed the automatic doors at the A&P:

EMMETT: There’ll probably be a lot of interesting fellas on board, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE: Oh, Emmett…
HOWARD: Ohhh yes…we know all about those shipboard romances…
GOOBER: Maybe you’ll meet one of them millionaire playboys who wears them silk handkerchiefs around their neck and all that…
AUNT BEE: Oh, Goober, please…I’m just going for a little sightseeing and some relaxation…now, I stopped in to invite you all down to a little bon voyage party at the boat…and it’s leaving from Wilmington…

Woo hoo! Aunt Bee’s throwin’ a kegger! She takes her leave of these bozos by announcing that she has a million things to do before the boat sets sail, and as she turns to leave Emmett calls after her: “Try not to break too many hearts!” The three men then laugh themselves silly as if their lives couldn’t possibly be classified as pathetic.

The scene shifts to Sam’s living room; he’s seated on the couch perusing the newspaper while his main squeeze, bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), paws through Aunt Bee’s wardrobe which is prominently draped over the sofa. Remarking that Bee is “taking quite a wardrobe with her,” Sam is admonished by Millie, who responds: “Well, she’s going to be gone for two weeks…”

AUNT BEE (entering the room with clothes on hangers, slightly out of breath): There…this is all pressed…now…I was just wondering…what dress do you think I should wear for the Captain’s ball?
MILLIE: I kind of like this chiffon…well, what do you think, Sam?
SAM: Hmm? Oh, yeah…that’ll kill ‘em…

Sam, of course, is trying to hide the fact that he’s a bit miffed because Bee is packing the dress that he’d planned to wear once she’s on vacation. Aunt Bee sends Sam upstairs for suitcases, and Millie bestows upon Aunt Bee a little gift for the occasion—some cologne that Bee identifies as “Tempestuous.”

MILLIE: All you have to do is just slosh it on and they’ll be hangin’ from the riggings…
AUNT BEE: Oh, you…you’re as bad as Emmett and the rest…they seem to think the only reason I’m going on board is for shipboard romance…
MILLIE: Well, why not? Don’t knock it!
AUNT BEE: I’m just not interested…

Aunt Bee comes out of the closet…on a very special R.F.D. Millie tries to convince Bee that she’s not going to want to just hang out with a bunch of dames on the boat the entire time: “Men are much more fun…and you know it. Besides, they come in very handy for picking up the check.”

MILLIE: The thing to do is to create an air of mystery…nothing gets a man more than a woman he can’t understand… (Standing up and parading about the living room) Now…the first thing to remember…is always be a little late for dinner…so you can make your entrance…walking slowly…pause…and glance around the room…always catch the men’s eyes, but don’t look at them…look right through them…you’re desirable but…unattainable… (At this point, Sam is making his way downstairs with several of Aunt Bee’s suitcases) Then you slowly flow across the room to your table…and if you see somebody who looks, uh…kind of interesting, you just give him one…fast looking glance over your shoulder, just enough to make him think he’s got the inside track… (Millie stops at the foot of the stairs, where Sam is now standing and staring at her) Hmm…kind of shakes you up, doesn’t it?

I really enjoyed Millie’s physical comedy bit here…of course; I’m in agreement with Stacia that Mill is irresistibly cute. There is then a dissolve to this impressive bit of nautical transport…



Love
Exciting and new
Come aboard
We're expecting you
And love
Life's sweetest reward
Let it flow
It floats back to you

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance…just out of curiosity—and in a blatantly transparent attempt to shamelessly pad these weekly essays—I wondered if anyone from Mayberry R.F.D. ever actually set sail on the classic TV sitcom that ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. I eliminated Hartman right off the bat because he passed away in 1973, four years before The Love Boat premiered....and Frances Bavier retired in 1974, so that lets her out. (And ever since Freddie Bartholomew and Captains Courageous, I think there’s a federal law that prohibits ocean liners from employing child labor, so we can scratch off Buddy Foster.) Arlene Golonka is the champ, having appeared in the third season episode “Doc, Be Patient/Dance with Me/Going My Way” (09/29/79) and Season Five’s “Good Neighbors/Captain's Portrait/Familiar Faces” (01/09/82). Ken Berry was in one Love Boat outing, “Third Wheel/Grandmother's Day/Second String Mom” (05/12/79) in the second season…but since he was also in the cast of The Love Boat II (1977), the second of the two TV-movies that acted as pilots for the series, he’s tied with Golonka. Neither Jack Dodson nor George Lindsey ever got a free cruise (Lindsey did do a Fantasy Island episode—but close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes) but when you pause to consider it, would you want to be trapped in the middle of the ocean with Howard Sprague prattling on endlessly? (“Those cumulus clouds, with their vertical development and clearly defined edges, are certainly a sight to behold…”)

But back to the ship. On board, Aunt Bee and company are scarfing down hors d’oeurves as Sam comments that she’s certainly going to be traveling in fine company. “Hey, Aunt Bee,” Emmett interjects, “there’s an eligible lookin’ fella!”

That fella is character actor veteran Emory Parnell, who some of you may recognize as one of the actors in the “movie” being projected onscreen during the shootout in the theatre in Alfred Hitchcock’s Saboteur (1942)…and he’s also the poor sap who brings Moe, Larry and Curly home to his wife (Lelah Tyler), passing them off as orphans, in the Three Stooges two-reeler All the World’s a Stooge (1941). Parnell was in quite a few The Life of Riley episodes as William Bendix’s irascible boss and lately I’ve been running into him in the Lawman repeats being shown on Encore Westerns where he plays the bartender at the Blue Bonnet. (For some odd reason, the first names of the characters in both of these boob tube venues is "Hank." I guess he just looks like a "Hank.") He’s also got a bit part in The Great McGinty (1940)…which allows me to clumsily segueway into the plug that McGinty celebrates its 70th anniversary today and that I have an essay on the film up at Ed Copeland’s.

HOWARD: He looks lonely, too…
GOOBER: No wedding ring…
AUNT BEE: Oh, Goober…

Well, we might want to check back on him in a little bit…he may need a few more drinks…

Then again…I could be wrong…Mike comes running into the lounge at this time, announcing that he’s found the lifeboat “you’re supposed to use if the boat starts sinking.” Ah, kids…you know I love ‘em! Howard then points out another eligible bachelor…


…who’s stewed to the gills. (See, I’m not the only one who’s suggesting that being befogged with alcohol is a prerequisite to bedding Ms. Taylor.) “Sure slim pickin’s on this boat,” is Emmett’s editorial comment, with Howard and Goober both in agreement. A steward then walks by with that nifty xylophone thingy to announce to everyone it’s time to disembark, and the Mayberry contingent bid Aunt Bee bon voyage, pleasant journey, etc. When Sam asks Bee if she’s coming out on deck to wave goodbye with the streamers and the whole shebang, she tells him she wants to check with the steward first about her table reservation…

Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle! It’s Grandpa Walton! Actually, Aunt Bee has committed a serious breach of high-seas etiquette in mistaking the ship’s captain (Will Geer) for a lowly steward, and as such he orders her to be strung up from the highest yardarm. No, I’m kidding—but she is a bit embarrassed by her fox paw:

AUNT BEE: Well, I don’t tip you now, do I?
CAPTAIN: Huh? No…!
AUNT BEE: Oh…well, there’ll be a little envelope for you at the end of the trip…
(Another officer, Mr. Spencer [Bob Kline], enters the lounge)
SPENCER (saluting): Everything in order, Captain…
AUNT BEE: Captain? Oh, I’m so sorry…I didn’t realize…
CAPTAIN: That’s quite all right, madam…
AUNT BEE: Oh no, it isn’t…oh, I feel so stupid…I just didn’t recognize the uniform…I mean, it’s a lovely uniform, I just didn’t know about the stripes…oh, I’m so embarrassed…
CAPTAIN: Well, please don’t worry about it, madam…find a steward…forward on B deck…
AUNT BEE: Where?
CAPTAIN: Up front and down one floor…

The Captain delivers this last line in a rather brusque and impatient manner, which sort of makes you think he’s going to be a bit of a hardcase…but as Aunt Bee leaves the lounge, you catch him checking out Aunt Bee’s junk…you old seadog…

Back from the commercial break, Sam rifles through some mail in his office as Howard looks on—we’re barely nine minutes into this episode, and she’s already sending postcards…

SAM (reading): Uh…”Dear Sam and everybody…just a quick note to thank you all for coming down to see me off…”
HOWARD: Hey, she must have sent it in with the pilot boat, huh?
SAM: Yeah, I guess…uh…”I got off to a good start by mistaking the captain for a steward…” (Both men laugh) “I was so embarrassed…” That’s our Aunt Bee…
HOWARD: Oh, yeah… (Laughing)
SAM: “Anyway, looking forward to a wonderful cruise…first stop, San Juan…love, Aunt Bee”…uh, “P.S. Just met my table companions…Blanche Wilkins, Winifred Shea and Amelia Turner…”
HOWARD: Uh-oh…sounds like she’s in for a lot of girl talk, huh…
SAM: Yeah…yeah…uh…”They seem to be taking the cruise for one reason…to snag husbands…here’s wishing them good luck…love, Aunt Bee…”
HOWARD: Hmm…well, even though they aren’t men it sounds like she’s made some friends, anyway…

And in the blink of the eye, she’s already pissed one of them off—because in the next scene, she’s joined by only two of her companions, Blanche (Cecil Elliott) and Amelia (Violet Carlson). (Winifred must be in the back room, seeing what the boys will have—but why mention three women if you were only going to hire two actresses?)


Yeah, I know what you’re thinking—compared to these crones, Aunt Bee is a stone fox…

BLANCHE: I don’t know what to wear for the costume ball…it’s so difficult to find something humorous…and yet that’s still attractive…
AMELIA: Oh, I wouldn’t bother…there are hardly any men around to attract anyway…
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s a beautiful ship…and I’m certainly enjoying myself…
BLANCHE: Uh…that Mr. Hopkins at table seven was…rather a nice-looking man…
AMELIA: Ho…you should have seen him on the deck this morning…holding onto his toupee… (Laughing)
BLANCHE: Have you met the captain yet, Bee?
AUNT BEE: Yes, for a brief moment…
BLANCHE: You know, you’d imagine the captain on a cruise ship…would be charming…and sociable…
AUNT BEE: Well, I guess he’s got his mind on steering the ship and…watching the weather and…that sort of thing…

Aunt Bee and these other two hens are joined by Mr. Hopkins (Owen Cunningham), the toupeed gentleman Amelia was dissing seconds earlier. Now, what I find so funny about this scenario is that both Blanche and Amelia are jockeying for position for his attentions—and yet the entire time he’s chatting it up with the Unholy Three he can’t take his eyes off Aunt Bee…which would seem to suggest that she’s catnip to the men on board…a real tigress in the sack. (Now I wish I hadn’t written that…think unsexy thoughts…think unsexy thoughts…Clara Edwards [Hope Summers] naked on a cold day…Clara Edwards naked on a cold day…) Bee excuses herself from the table and Hopkins watches her shake her moneymaker (Clara Edwards naked on a cold day…) out the door—prompting Blanche to remark to him: “They say her husband is a violently jealous man.” (Meowrr!)

Outside on deck, Aunt Bee drinks in the view of the ocean blue…and she receives a visit from the ship’s captain, who’s carrying some violets in his hand…and who positions the flowers on the side of the ship with a small hook…

AUNT BEE: Violets? In the sun?
CAPTAIN: I always see that they get the afternoon sun…
AUNT BEE: But that’s why they’re drooping…
CAPTAIN: African violets need all the sun they can get… (Aunt Bee scoffs with a little “Oh ho…”) Are you saying that…violets don’t need sun?
AUNT BEE: Morning sun, yes…but afternoon sun—never…and they are drooping, whether you want to admit it or not…

I could let loose with a really filthy double entendre here…but I’ll save it for later…

CAPTAIN: As a matter of fact, it’s perfectly normal for violets to droop!

Of course…it's nothing to be embarrassed about; it happens to everyone! (So much for later.)

AUNT BEE: Oh ho…
CAPTAIN: And further more…when the sun goes overhead…

The captain is interrupted by Mr. Spencer, who tells him that he’s just thrown his stinkin’ palm tree overboard…and wants to know what all this crud is about no movie tonight. No, hold on—I’ve got that confused with something else…Spencer tells the captain he’s wanted on the bridge, but Captain Droopy waves him off…

CAPTAIN: Just where did you raise African violets?
AUNT BEE: Well, I happen to be the president-elect of Mayberry Garden Club… (She places a hand on the violets) And your soil is a little too damp…
CAPTAIN: In my opinion, madam, my soil is not too damp…
AUNT BEE: And in my opinion, Captain, you’ve been at sea too long…

And in my opinion…well, you know what they say—it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion of the ocean. So Captain Potting Soil decides to take Bee’s advice by eliminating the afternoon sun and cutting back on the dampness. “But if I lose one petal…” he admonishes her, eliminating the part about having her keelhauled. As he heads back up the stairs to the upper deck, he accidentally runs into the railing, prompting Aunt Bee to smile.

There is then a dissolve to the captain’s violets, which are now vibrant and full of life. (And the flowers look swell, too.) By the way, check out the sign above the entrance on the right…

“Playa Room.” That floored me when I saw that. (The Captain’s a playa…)

CAPTAIN: Ah, Miss Taylor…you are a woman of rare talents…
AUNT BEE: Oh, not at all…I just like to see beautiful flowers properly treated…
(Mr. Spencer enters again from atop the stairs)
SPENCER: Captain, there’s a sixteen-mile wind coming up on the southwest…should we change course?
CAPTAIN: Do whatever you think… (Spencer salutes and exits) Miss Taylor…perhaps a cup of coffee…in the Officer’s Lounge?
AUNT BEE: Oh, I should be delighted…

Hey, she’s been around the block a time or two—she knows what “coffee” really means. (The two of them exit through the “Playa Room” doorway, so “Playa Room” must be the nickname for the Officer’s Lounge…the horny old goat…)

Another dissolve and we find ourselves back at Emmett’s, who announces: “It’s from Port of Spain—where the heck is that?”

SAM: Uh…Trinidad, I think…
GOOBER: Wow! Trinidad!

Goober, you dipstick, you wouldn’t know Trinidad if it crawled up your freakin’ coveralls…

EMMETT: She says, uh…the captain showed her through the maritime museum…
HOWARD: The captain…hey, that really is first class, eh?
GOOBER: Looks like she snags the head man…read on, Emmett…
EMMETT: “There are so many interesting things to do aboard ship…for one thing, I’ve been helping the captain with his violets…”
(He stops, and the four men look at one another)
SAM: Uh…you want to let us have that one again, Emmett?
EMMETT: “I’ve been helping the captain with his violets…” That’s what it says…
SAM: Huh…I guess she’ll explain all that when she gets back…

We cut to the bridge of the boat, where Captain Horticulture is showing Aunt Bee around, including the gyro compass. I love the look on this crewman’s face—he never cracks a smile the entire time, even when he’s asks to step aside so that Aunt Bee can have a turn at the wheel. Aunt Bee isn’t on board with that suggestion: “I might hit something.” “I don’t think there’s anything to hit within the next hundred miles,” he replies, shortly before Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On starts blasting on the soundtrack. (Okay, I’m joking about that but Aunt Bee’s retort is a beauty: “Well, you haven’t driven with me before…”)

She steers a ship! She flies a plane! Bee Taylor—Renaissance woman…

Back in Mayberry, Sam is sampling some of Millie’s cuisine and pronounces it “mmm…mmm…good!” in the same manner as Andy Griffith used to say “Goooood cracker!” “I’m sure glad you came over, Miss Swanson,” burbles Mike. “We haven’t had anything except weenies and beans.”

SAM: No…no, we had cube steaks on Tuesday…
MILLIE: Oh…go on with the letter…
SAM: Well…anyway, she loved Trinidad and…uh…oh yeah…”One of the highlights of the trip so far was when Charles took me to this little out-of-the-way restaurant…”
MILLIE (interrupting): Oh! It’s Charles now, is it?
SAM: Hmmm…
MILLIE: …I knew that perfume would work…
SAM: Yeah…that must have been it…
(Sam and Millie take their plates over to the table, where Mike is already seated.)
MILLIE: Don’t laugh! She went right to the top, didn’t she? (Sighing) I think it’s beautiful…having a shipboard romance with the captain…I’ll bet they’re holding hands right now…
MIKE: Pa…did they have any lifeboat drills yet?
SAM: Uh…no, she didn’t say, Mike…
MILLIE: I hope she remembers to be nice to the other men, too…so he won’t get overconfident…
MIKE: Did she get seasick yet?
SAM: No, Mike—I don’t think so…
MIKE: Boy…I wish she would write about something interesting…

Sam…I’ll just leave these military school folders with you…think it over, and let me know what you decide. After Sam and Millie exchange a couple of goofy “Oh-what-a-precocious*-kid-I’ve-got” grins, the scene shifts to…the captain’s cabin, where he and Aunt Bee are enjoying a cup of coffee and he has apparently just finished showing her his etchings. (Bow-chicka-wow-wow…) No, just kidding—the two of them are discussing the various pieces with which he’s decorated his crib…Dresden china, a cherry vase from Taiwan—and a chest that he likes to say came from Hong Kong but which he actually purchased in Brooklyn “with trading stamps.”

AUNT BEE: You know, I always thought captains were supposed to be very stern and very rough…but you’re not that way at all…
CAPTAIN: Well, don’t let that get outside this room…well, we’ve talked enough about me—what about you?
AUNT BEE: Well, as I told you…I take care of Mike and Sam on the farm…and I go to church on Sundays…and, uh…the garden club every second Thursday…oh, it’s a nice life—but not very exciting…

Oh, Aunt Bee…I’m sure there’s some gusto out there somewhere with your name on it. The captain, on the other hand, has a dissenting opinion—he expresses a desire to quit the wharf rat race and retire after forty-six years at sea, settling into the boondocks and living the life of a country squire. And that’s precisely what he tells Bee—this is going to be his last cruise as he settles into dry-dock…

AUNT BEE: I have an idea if you wanted to do something, you could do it…and you’d do it very well…
CAPTAIN: You know, I haven’t talked to anyone like this for years…

…and we go into a close-up of his hand patting hers…and I’m glad that that’s as steamy as it’s going to get, because the last thing I need is for that chili dog to come back up.

The cruise has come to an end…and Aunt Bee returns home to her Mayberry port, where her family…well, no, her family is no longer in residence on this sitcom…more like her friends await her return with a “Mission Accomplished”-type banner. And because she’s now shacking up with Captain Green Stamps, she’s allowed the luxury of being driven home by Mr. Spencer—who deposits both her and her baggage at the front of Rancho Jones. As he gets back in his car, Aunt Bee tells him: “Now—when you get to the highway, turn hard on starboard and you’ll be right on course…”

HOWARD: Say—it isn’t everybody who gets a special ride home from the ship…
EMMETT: Yeah…sounds like you knew somebody important…
MILLIE: Like the captain maybe? (Laughing)
SAM: I think you mean Charles…
GOOBER (singsong): Aunt Bee’s got a boyfriend…Aunt Bee’s got a boyfriend…

And that’s not all she’s got, lug wrench boy…take a look at the bling on her hand!



AUNT BEE (clearing her throat): See any difference?
MILLIE: Aunt Bee—a ring!
HOWARD: Wow…
SAM: What? Aunt Bee—really? Really?
AUNT BEE: Charles asked me to marry him…and I’ve said yes…
MILLIE (squealing with delight): Oh! How wonderful!
SAM (shaking Aunt Bee’s hands): Oh, congratulations…what a great surprise!
HOWARD: And what a lucky man, huh!
EMMETT: Ah, you can say that again!
GOOBER: He’s just gettin’ Mayberry’s best!

This beautiful moment is, of course, ruined by Mike the Idiot Boy, who asks Aunt Bee if she ever had any lifeboat drills. (There’s never a thresher accident when you need one.)

Coda time!

Aunt Bee and Sam are seated in the breakfast nook, and she shows him pictures of Charles taken during the trip…

AUNT BEE: Oh, it’s all working out so beautifully…he wants to settle on a farm…and I know he’ll just love Mayberry…

Yeah, for about three days. And then he’ll be so out of his ever lovin’ mind with boredom that he’ll sign on to run the boat ride concession at Funland just to be near the water again. Mike the Idiot Boy races into the kitchen with a telegram for Aunt Bee in his hands…it’s from Charles, and he’s letting her know that the steamship company has approved his retirement—“and he’ll be here next week.”

And so will I, when I’ll examine part 2 of this stirring saga, “Aunt Bee and the Captain.” Naturally, if Aunt Bee’s name is in the episode title it stands to reason that she makes an appearance in the episode (well, unless it’s “The Death of Aunt Bee”)…so Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-Meter™ racks up another showcase for everyone’s favorite housekeeper, bringing the tally to seven sightings for the season. I know you’re as excited as I am to see how this turns out, and I just thought I’d let you know that she’s registered at Weaver’s Department Store…most of the gifts have already been purchased; I’m just trying to decide between the Water-Pik and the fondue set.

*Still on loan from Scott.