Saturday, April 28, 2012

Jungle Queen – Chapter 11: The Trail to Doom



OUR STORY SO FAR:  Promotional posters for the 1945 serial Jungle Queen proudly trumpet “13 Chapters of Savage Thrills!”…proving that Hollywood can be quite full of itself sometimes.  Obviously, this week’s installment contains nary a savage thrill in sight, but it does manage to pick up from where we left off last week with the rousing spectacle of secret agent doofus Chuck Kelly (Eddie Quillan) having a savagely thrilling conversation with the Royal Commissioner and Office Supply Procurer, Braham Chatterton (Lester Matthews).


Check out that first title card—if there’s really only a few days left, they’d better get a move on with this thing…

CHUCK: So I came back here from the camp…there’s no doubt, Mr. Chatterton, that Lang is a Nazi…Jungle Jack recognized him and is following him now…
CHATTERTON: That is important…you know, Lang must be a key man…he knows the middle jungle…and he’s probably behind the trouble with the natives…
CHUCK: Sure—but he’s also hired by Dr. Bork…and hangs out at her experimental farm
CHATTERTON: Chuck…do you and Bob suspect Bork?
CHUCK: Don’t you?

This kind of made me laugh out loud, because it’s almost as if he’s saying “Hey…you’re the one who’s paid to think…”

CHUCK: Bob and I separated…

I’m devastated to hear that.  You made such a lovely couple.

CHUCK: …and he’s on his way to have a look at that farm…
CHATTERTON: Well, he’ll meet Pam there…she’s visiting the place with Bork…

Chuck, being an American of Very Little Brain, suddenly realizes it might not be a bad idea for him to get thee hence to Bork Acres, seeing as she may be a Nazi and all that and that she has Pam in her clutches.  When Chatterton suggests taking some of his men with him, Chuck replies: “Thanks, Commissioner—I will…you can never tell about Nazis.”  Oh, that incorrigible Chuck.


So after the above title card, we find bossy Bob Elliot (Edward Norris) where he was last week—about to be asphyxiated by a cloud of poisonous gas that just happened to be handy at this experimental plant farm.  (Again…unless the joint is run by Morticia Addams, using toxic gas around plants doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.)  Denker (Walter Bonn), the clueless assistant of the previously mentioned Dr. Elise Bork (Tala Birell), is thoroughly enjoying the task of killing Bob…but he’s stopped short when Bork and Pamela Courtney (Lois Collier) return to the main office rather unexpectedly and Pam hears Bob pounding with his pistol inside his death chamber to be let out.


I love the expression on Denker’s face when Bork and Pam come through the door.  (“Oh, swear word!  Just when I was starting to have fun!)

PAMELA: There’s somebody in that room!

“What?  No…that’s just a little rodential problem we have…heh heh…”  Denker, mistaking Pam for a more formidable foe, brandishes a pistol and pointing it at her intones ominously: “You condemned yourself by coming back too soon…now you’re going to join Elliot!”

Pam hears a car coming down the road to the farm and cracks: “Don’t you think Mr. Eliot should join us?”  (No, I have no idea why she said that, either.)  Pam tells Denker that the approaching vehicle is “a constabulary car”—and unless those autos have special horns or something, I don’t know how she could have known other than she’s been assisted by lazy screenwriters.

Anyway, this simply will not do…those cops always ask too many questions…so Bork shoots Denker!


BORK (to Pamela): I’ll shut the gas off…you open the door—but hold your breath!

“For about the next six hours!”  Well, it turns out that Pamela’s acute sense of hearing is right on the money—Chuck and two members of Chatterton’s little force enter and while Chuck helps pull a sputtering, choking Bob out of the gassed room, Bork orders the two cops to take Denker’s pathetic corpse out of there.

CHUCK (giving Bob a few slaps): He’s okay, Pam…who did the shooting?
PAMELA: Dr, Bork…she saved us from joining Bob!
(Bob continues to cough his dang fool head off)
CHUCK: Take it easy, Bob…you’ll be sure you’re alive any minute now…too bad Dr, Bork had to shoot the Nazi to save you… (Turning to Bork) But…maybe you could tell us something about him…
BORK (feigning surprise): Nazis?  Denker?
CHUCK: Uh-huh…
BORK: I suppose he was…but…I know nothing about him except that he was an excellent farm manager…

“Come to think of it…I wondered why he wrote ‘Master’ after ‘Race' on his job application…”

BOB (with great difficulty): He wouldn’t tell you he was a Nazi…probably worked with Lang…
BORK: Are you sure about Lang?
CHUCK: Absolutely!
PAMELA: Then we’re making progress!
CHUCK: Plenty!  We’re cleaning Nazis out of here…

“Serv-Pro…like the Second World War never even happened!”


A self-satisfied Chuck tells everyone that they know about the radio station (K-NAZI) on Mt. Balgan, and that Jungle Jack (Budd Buster) is headed there now.  Sure enough, there is a dissolve to a scene in the jungle where J-Jack, having been trailing Lang (Douglass Dumbrille) and native chieftain Maati (Napoleon Simpson) since they left the camp of Pamela’s dead uncle (quite), Alan Courtney, eavesdrops on a conversation between the two men (joined by Maati’s devoted stooge Noma, played by Emmett Smith, and a few extras), who are rehashing every event that has taken place in this fershlugginer serial so far:

MAATI: Bwana Lang, I’m going back to Tong-Gara…
LANG: That’s right, Maati…as long as Kyba’s alive, you won’t be able to take Godac’s place without running the risk of discovery…
NOMA: And who’ll kill Kyba?  You kill Godac…you have him prisoner in your caves!

“Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who kills who…”

LANG: That’s it…but Kyba must be dead first…so that Lothel won’t have him to back her up…
MAATI: I know the secret of the Sword of Tongu…I will say that Godac told it to me…and make myself judge in his place…
NOMA: Only the judge knows the secret…and he rules all tribes in the middle jungle…
LANG: That’s what I want…and Maati can help me…
MAATI: You help me, Bwana Lang…and I’ll help you…

J-Jack is so absorbed with listening to this repetitive expository dialogue that he fails to notice a couple of natives who have sneaked up behind him and who speedily take him captive.  (This speaks rather poorly for his alleged animal hunting skills, by the way.)  The noise from the ensuing struggle attracts the attention of Lang and the other natives, who rush over in time to allow Lang to deck the mighty hunter with a sock to the jaw.  “Jungle Jack, huh?  Tie him up and I’ll take him with me.”  (“Oh, and let me have some cole slaw and a package of rolls, too…”)  Lang also instructs Maati to get back to Tong-Gara so that he can take care of next-in-line-of-political-succession native Kyba (Clarence Muse).


I loved this next bit.  At the gathering place for the Tongghili tribes, we find the titular monarch—Lothel (Ruth Roman) scampering through “The Room of Fire” and striking a heroine’s pose as she emerges from the room…


…and everybody’s closed up shop for the day.  She seems so small and insignificant.  But worry ye not—Lothel makes her way through the passageways and finds the chamber where Kyba is being held prisoner.  (Each time Lothel appears onscreen, it’s punctuated with a cymbal crash…as if one of the composer’s kids sneaked into the recording room and started playing with the drum set.)


LOTHEL: Maati, the real traitor, comes to murder you, Kyba…but you must live and save Godac—the true leader—who is a captive in the caves of Balgan…

Got all that, Kybe?  Outside the entrance to the chamber, an uncredited native nevertheless lucky enough to get a few lines of dialogue is confronted by Maati.

NATIVE GUARD: It’s you, Maati…what do you want here?
MAATI: I just wanted to be certain that Kyba was safe…
NATIVE GUARD: Safe?  You mean till the Test of Fire tomorrow…
MAATI: Kyba has been held hostage from Lothel, mystery queen of the jungle…he must pay for her treachery…

But before the guard can ask “What is the cost?” Noma manages to knife him in the back, killing him dead.  Maati instructs Noma to hide the body (I’ll bet with all those natives dying…and in that heat…that jungle must be stinkin’…) and take the place of the guard while he puts Kyba out of circulation…


…upon entering Kyba’s prison cell, he finds him gone.  (That crafty jungle bitch is one step ahead of you, my homicidal friend!)  Only after hearing that crash of cymbals on the soundtrack is Maati aware of what’s happened…and he runs out of the cell in pursuit of Lothel.  Lothel reaches the entrance to the Room of Fire and turning to Maati, gloats like there’s no tomorrow amidst more cymbals crashing: “I have come here to save the tribes of the middle jungle!  Neither you, Maati, nor anyone else can prevent me!”  And with the sound of a gong, she disappears into the Fire Room, where Maati is powerless to follow unless he’s got wearing sun block with an SPF of two gazillion.

Meanwhile, back at Chatterton’s, Pam attempts to piece together the puzzle for the slower members in the movie audience.

PAM: Dr. Bork shot that man Denker to try to prove she wasn’t a Nazi…but I’m certain that she is!
CHATTERTON: So am I, my dear…so are Bob and Chuck…but we have no proof and so far she hasn’t betrayed herself…

“We’re forbidden to make leaps of logic in this serial except in life-and-death situations.”  There is a knock on the door, and Rogers (Cyril Delevanti), Chatterton’s loyal aide up until the point he pushes Brammy out of his job, ushers in our favorite faux Swedish botanist.

CHATTERTON: Well, Doctor—your farm has a clean bill of health
BORK (laughing): I’m relieved to hear that…
CHATTERTON: My dear doctor…you are free to continue your work…
BORK: As you probably know, your constabulary has been questioning me…
CHATTERTON (laughing): Ha ha…ha ha…polite but thorough, what?
BORK: Very thorough…thank you, Mr. Chatterton…good night!
(Bork exits the office, and the camera zooms in closer on Chatterton and Pamela)
CHATTERTON: What a performance…she’s pretending that she doesn’t know that we suspect her…
PAMELA: She’s smart…ruthless…

“I wonder where Ruth is?”

CHATTERTON: Mm-hmm…and that adds up to dangerous, my dear…especially when we don’t know what she’s going to do next

Seriously, Big C…how did you get this position in the first place?  Relative in the House of Lords, or…?  Pamela then reveals to Chatterton that Bob and Chuck suspect that Bork will soon return to the Nazi botany lab, and that’s where we find the two of them as the scene shifts.

CHUCK: We’ve been waiting around here for hours…and what’s happened?  Nothing!

You know…I could easily say the same thing about this serial, Charles.

BOB: Nothing will until Lang comes back from Mt. Balgan to report to Bork…
CHUCK: Suppose she doesn’t show up?
BOB: Well…then we’ll find out when Lang does

This next scene is almost—almost, mind you—worth having sat through the previous ten chapters.  Bob and Chuck hear a phone ringing.  We know that it’s the secret-fireplace-phone, but they are oblivious to this (though it would have been hysterical if one of them had said “That sounds like a secret-fireplace-phone ring!”) so Bob picks up the receiver next to him, and of course the phone continues to ring.  They canvass the office for a few seconds, and finally Chuck says, pointing to the fireplace: “Sounds like it’s in there!”  Tugging at the bricks, they find the secret compartment and viola!  Contact with the Nazis!


BOB: Waiting here has paid dividends
CHUCK: I’ll say!  We’ll find Nazis on the other end of this phone!
BOB: Follow the wires, you mean?
CHUCK: Not a bad trail, if you ask me!

Well, nobody asked you…seriously, though?  You guys are going to follow those wires through the…oh, just shoot me now.  This thing is never going to end.  Well, while these two chowderheads are working on that, Dr. Bork pulls up in a clearing in her Woody, and getting out of the car, begins to walk down a path until she hears someone approaching…so she quickly ducks into some bushes.  But there’s no need to be frightened…it’s only Lang.

LANG: Why, Elise…what are you doing here?
BORK: On my way to Balgan…I left the car beside the road and doubled back through the trail…
LANG: Were you discovered?
BORK: Suspected
LANG: Well, what about the telephone?

“We’re paid up until the end of the month, don’t worry…I had the cable and internet cancelled, though…”

BORK: The farm is no place for me now…I intend to send you from Balgan to remove the phone…but…uh…that’ll wait…
LANG: Well, I’ll get rid of it—it won’t take long…I’ll use your car…

Yeah, you’d never be able to get service that time of night, anyway.  As Bob and Chuck discover the direction of the phone wires, Lang makes his way back to where Bork parked her car…but he stops suddenly when he sees another automobile approaching.  The car stops, and out climbs dumb Pamela, who calls out Bork’s name a few times before getting back into her ride...oblivious to the fact that Lang has climbed onto the back as she pulls away.  Meanwhile, the only two people stupider than Pam continue to thrash about in the jungle, following a trail of phone wire.

CHUCK: Hey, Bob!  Here it is, just like we figured…
BOB (staring off into the distance): It goes to Balgan, all right…
CHUCK: Better than that—it goes to the place we have to find!

Oh, ferchrissake—who authorized this phone line installation, Wilhelm Klink?  “If we’re guessing right,” declares Chuck, “we ought to join up with Jungle Jack sooner or later.”

And Mr. Lang,” warns Bob.  (“I see nothink…nothink!!!”)

Well, as for Lang…he’s managed to hitch a ride back to the farm because Pam doesn’t have the good sense God gave a billy goat to look in her rearview mirror…so when she gets out calling for Bob and Chuck and then goes into Bork’s office, Lang stealthily follows her.  Pam borrows Bork’s phone to touch base with Chatterton:

PAMELA: They aren’t here, Mr. Chatterton…I followed Dr. Bork from Tambosa…she parked the car on the side of the road about halfway to the farm…so I came on here…
CHATTERTON (on the other end): Either they’re following Nazis, or the Nazis have… (Realization has set in) Return here at once!
PAMELA: Very well…

No sooner does Pamela hang up the receiver when everybody’s favorite Nazi bursts in.  “Thought you’d find Elliot or Kelly here, didn’t you?” asks Lang with a sneer.  “Come on, let’s get out of here.”  (“And this time you’re riding on the back of the car!”)

Dragging Pam outside, Lang notices where Bob and Chuck dug around in the ground and finds the exposed telephone wires.  He pushes Pamela back toward the office, announcing: “Now it’s my time to telephone!”  And one optical wipe later, Lang is on the horn with Nazi radio operator Weber (Louis Adlon):

WEBER: Yes, Lang…I rang the farm about an hour after you left the caves here…I figured Dr. Bork would be there waiting for you…Muller and Heinkel just brought in another prisoner…

It would appear that Kyba is now in the clutches of Nazi temps Muller (George Eldredge) and Heinkel (Peter Helmers)…and it would also appear that my advice to Kyba in an earlier chapter for him to run for the hills was apparently in error, as the hills he ran toward were crawling with Nazis.

LANG: Kyba?  Good!  I’ve got a prisoner, too…Pamela Courtney

“Oh, yeah?  Well, I’ve captured…uh…um…Morgan Fairchild!  Yeah, that’s the ticket…”

WEBER: The Courtney girl, eh?  What do you want done with this Kyba…give him to Maati?  Or keep him here?  (To Muller and Heinkel) Put him in the cave with Jungle Jack… (Heinkel drags Kyba off) Yes, Lang…what?  No…they dug up the wires?  Ja…ja…don’t worry, Lang… (Weber hangs up the receiver)
MULLER: What’s up?
WEBER: Lang is pretty sure that Elliot and Kelly are tracing the telephone line here…

Oh, oh telephone line/Give me some time, I'm living in twilight…”  Great…now that’s going to be in my head the rest of the day.  “And I can't get it out of my head/No, I can't get it out of my head...”  Damn you, ELO!

WEBER: …you and Heinkel know how to fix it for them…don’t you?
MULLER: Sure…Dr. Bork showed us…it was her idea…

“Because they sure as hell don’t pay us to think, my good man…”  So Weber instructs Muller to handle it, and we cut back to Bob and Chuck in the jungle…and the audience begins to wonder whatever became of those hungry lions from Chapter 9…?

CHUCK: We’re going straight to Balgan, all right…by the slowest, toughest route I’ve ever taken anyplace…
BOB: Yeah, those last few hills were kind of tough…
CHUCK: Hills?  Mountains as far as I’m concerned…

What a creampuff.  You know, you two baboons could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you had just gotten in touch with the phone company and asked to speak to the techs who installed that…well, now that I think of it that might have presented more problems and extended this serial more than is needed.  (“What was the name on that order again?  Cork?  Oh, Bork…spell that for me, would you?”)

Back in the caves, Dr. B has a chinwag with the captured Kyba, Pamela and Jungle Jack…

BORK: You see, Miss Courtney…I am responsible for Germany winning control of the middle jungle…
PAMELA: Is that all Germany wants?
BORK: No…Africa… (Elise is joined by Lang) I am only one of many key agents…but now, like the others, I can report success…for your information, Mr. Elliot and Mr. Kelly will never reach Balgan…

Oh, I know she’s just toying with us…but on the off-chance she isn’t…bring on the lions!  Lang then informs Bork that the two of them need to have a talk with Godac (Clinton Rosemond)—the all-powerful judge of the middle jungle tribes—who’s cooling his heels in a separate cave.

GODAC: I’ve been expecting you!
BORK: Have you made up your mind to cooperate with us?
GODAC: No…
LANG: Well, in that case you will be killedKyba, too…

What I enjoy most about Dumbrille’s performance in this is that he never reaches for any over-the-top hamminess…any time he tells anyone they’re going to be eliminated he does it with all the efficiency of a human resources technocrat.  (“Oh, and make certain that ZPG-30 Death form is back on my desk before three p.m., okay?”)

GODAC: Maati would then produce the Sword of Tongu…would he not?
BORK: Of course…
GODAC: But Maati does not know the true secret…I only told Maati about the other sword…
LANG: What other sword?
GODAC: It looks exactly like the Sword of Tongu…but it’s not the real sword…

Okay…I can hear you getting restless in your seats out there.  Look, they’ve been making this sh*t up ever since we started this thing…why should they quit now?  (“You have to hand it to those Tongghili…they got a duplicate sword in case an emergency like this cropped up…”)

BORK: Who knows the difference?
GODAC: Only one man can tell the real sword from the false…

Coincidentally, he also knows which twin has the Toni.

GODAC: Maati cannot rule the middle jungle people unless he knows where the real sword is hidden…


I love that look Bork gives Lang.  It’s like “Well, you can give that psycho the news…because once he hears about this, innocent people will die…”  She tells Lang: “Godac will reveal the secret to us a little later…after Muller and Heinkel report that Elliot and Kelly are dead!”

So as Muller and Heinkel patiently wait for those two goobers to stumble upon the faux hideout, we learn from more awkward dialogue that the two temps changed the direction of the wires to lead to a trap prepared by the smarter-than-your-average-Nazi Dr. Bork.  Bob and Chuck are puzzled that the wires don’t precisely lead to Balgan, but Chuck waves this off with “Leave it to the Nazis to have more than one hideout—they sure plan things!” 


The two men follow the wire into a cave…and then into a smaller cave.  Grabbing the wire, Bob finds a dead end and remarks: “Uh-oh…”  Heinkel pushes the plunger and…


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