Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: Almost the Truth—The Lawyer's Cut

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Tuesday’s sticky note

I don’t really have a lot of items to make up a checklist today—but there were one or two things that I thought needed to be brought to everyone’s attention.  Kristen at Journeys in Classic Film requested in the comments section of a previous “Checklist” post that I plug her Universal Backlot Blogathon, which will get underway from September 14-16.  (Honestly—I didn’t mean to slight her, it’s just that I didn’t find out about it until sometime after I finished the original post.)  She has also asked us to remain quiet and in our seats, and when she finishes the announcement there’ll be punch and cookies:



I’m a huge fan of Universal Studios and their backlot tour.  It’s one of the most popular backlot studio tours in the world where movies are made everyday!  In fact films have been made their since the silent era so there’s a lot of history associated with the backlot.  Starting September 14th and running through the 16th, this blogathon will salute this studio tour.  Have a review of a film that used the backlot (either completely or just for a scene counts)?  Interested in the history of the site?  As long as it pertains to Universal Studios Hollywood and the backlot it counts!  You can comment below to sign up or email me at journeysinclassicfilm (at) gmail.com.  Don’t worry if you don’t have a topic right now, I’ll place a formal call for topics about a month before the blogathon.  Also, if you don’t have a blog that’s okay, I’m willing to host your post!

Specifically, here is the complete list of films that have used Universal Studios backlot if you’re looking for a specific film (thanks to Andrew for sending me this).  The Studio Tour also includes information the history of the studio (I’ll be interested to see if anyone writes on the haunted areas of the studio).  There’s a lot that’s happened there and that’s a great resource.

Sadly, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear is going to have to sit this one out…simply because I have too much on my plate right now, including commitments to other blogathons scheduled around that time.  But I’m definitely curious to read everyone else’s input…and of course, if you’re interested in participating be sure to give Kristen a shout-out.

TVShowsonDVD.com has announced that Sony Home Entertainment is going to release the first season of the TV oater The Iron Horse (or as its also known, Iron Horse) to DVD through its MOD program with Amazon.com and the Warner Archive.  Antenna TV viewers know that the 1966-68 western is currently shown on Saturday mornings at 8am and stars Dale Robertson (or as my father derisively refers to him, “Dale Roberts,” whenever he feels the need to get the silent treatment from his first wife) as a gambler who wins a railroad line that isn’t quite yet completed…and so he enlists the help of Gary Collins and Robert Random to pitch in, along with an actress who called herself Ellen MacRae at the time before changing her name to Ellen Burstyn.  The set will be out on October 2nd but the details on pricing and the number of discs in the collection is still a little murky—the first season had thirty episodes (with the truncated second season seventeen) if that helps any.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Mayberry Mondays #51: “Millie, the Secretary” (04/06/70, prod. no. 0208)

Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), the counter girl at Boysinger’s Bakery in beautiful downtown Mayberry, is a breathtakingly attractive woman and as I have said frequently on the blog, one of the few reasons you should watch the vanilla sitcom known as Mayberry R.F.D.  I am also pleased to call the actress who played Millie on the series (and in two episodes of The Andy Griffith Show) one of my Facebook friends because one of the fringe benefits involves free donuts…and you know I’m most certainly down with that.

But I have to confess that the episodes that center on the Millie character are often the weakest of the R.F.D. oeuvre, which doesn’t have that many strong outings to begin with.  Part of this is because such episodes usually deal with the relationship between Ms. Swanson and the show’s protagonist, poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry)—who’s as exciting as a milkshake with two straws and also has an idiot (Buddy Foster) for a son (thankfully, he doesn’t grace us with his presence in this one).  The other has to do with the fact that Millie, while being cute as a button, is a bit shallow and lacking in substance…and uncomfortably, is treated with a casual sexism that has not aged at all well.  So I hope you’re prepared to suffer along with me on this week’s edition of Mayberry Mondays, “Millie, the Secretary.”

The ambitious Ms. Swanson is not going to be working up to her elbows in flour all her life—as the episode begins, we learn that Millie has been attending a business college taking secretarial courses, and she’s asked boyfriend Sam to help her study by timing how long it takes her to take down some dictation.  No one has bothered to tell the town’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark, who enters the city council office (with an item he actually repaired, for those keeping score at home) as Sam is in mid-dictate:

SAM: “Brazilian Rubber Company…Rio de JaneiroBrazil…Gentlemen…I have received your letter of the fourth instant…and hasten to reply…”
EMMETT (entering the council office carrying a typewriter): Hi!  I got it fixed…
SAM (continuing): Oh…“I am…I am enclosing the signed sales agreement…for the purchase of the rubber plantation…and all processing facilities…our intention is to move to Brazil immediately…to assume operational control…”
EMMETT: Sam!  What is this?!!
SAM: Emmett, please…uh…”We expect to leave this coming week…and will temporarily base in Rio…”
EMMETT: Do you know anything about Brazil?!!  It’s a jungle!!
SAM: “After completing the business affairs…I will set up headquarters at the plantation…”
EMMETT: Sam, don’t do it…don’t do it!  It’s no place for a kid like Mike!

I have been saying this ever since Mayberry Mondays started.  There’s a military school up the road in Oak Ridge that would be perfect for the little mook.

MILLIE: Emmett, Sam is just dictating to me…I’m practicing shorthand…
EMMETT: Practicin’?
SAM: Yeah!  Didn’t you know that Millie was going to business school?
EMMETT: First I heard of it…I know you’ve been out of the bakery a lot lately…
MILLIE: With Mrs. Boysinger’s permission…

One does not leave the bakery unless Mrs. B has signed off on the proposition.

MILLIE: …I’m going to improve myself and get a better job…and Mrs. Boysinger gave me her blessing…

We never see the woman known as Boysinger on the show…but I imagine she’s a lot like Dame Judith Anderson in Rebecca.

EMMETT: Secretarial job, huh?
MILLIE: But if I’m good enough…
SAM: So, Emmett…if you’ll excuse us…Millie’s got her exams coming up next Monday (He sits down at the conference table)
EMMETT: Oh…sure…sure…stick with it, Millie…Sam…if you ever decide to go to Brazil…check with me first, huh?

“That way I’ll go with ya and can finally leave the ol’ battleaxe…”  After Millie announces her intention to practice her typing, there is a dissolve to a scene that finds pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) filing out of the council office along with Sam and Emmett.

HOWARD: So today’s the big day—huh, Sam?
SAM: Yeah…yeah…
EMMETT: Is she nervous?
SAM: Oh…a little bit, naturally…I guess we all remember what it was like to take exams…

Well, except for Emmett…because the first schoolhouse in Mayberry had not yet been built.

HOWARD: Oh, yeah… (Chuckling)
SAM: Anyway, I’m going to drive her over there and see if I can calm her down a little…

Yowsah!  You go, Samuel!

HOWARD: Good…you know, I sure am glad she’s taking her courses at Bradbury…that’s my old business college, Sam…
EMMETT: That’s right—you did go there, didn’t ya?
HOWARD: Yeah…spent my entire collegiate career there…took the full year-and-a-half course!

“Got my letter in boring, too!”  Tediously monotonous tales of Howard’s college days are avoided with the arrival of Millie, who bustles down the street, greeting everyone with an enthusiastic “Hi!”

EMMETT: We just came by to wish you luck, Millie!
(Howard chuckles approvingly)
MILLIE: Thanks…thanks…
HOWARD: Give it the old Bradbury College try, Mill…
MILLIE: I’ll sure do my best!
(Sam helps Millie into the car)
HOWARD: And remember the words of our old Bradbury alma mater—it tells the whole story… (Singing and gesturing like Jolson) “Rise up, ye men of BBC…”
SAM: Howard…
HOWARD (continuing): “Bradbury Business College…”
SAM: You can finish that later…
HOWARD: “Typing, shorthand, bookkeeping, too…arm yourself with knowledge…”

Howard’s business school “fight song” did make me laugh out loud, because there’s always one such moment in these repeats.  He’s still singing as Sam and Millie drive off, but he stops to yell at her: “Hey, Mill…Mill, when you get back we’ll have an alumni reunion!”


The hallowed halls of Bradbury Business College.  I’m still working on the school motto, but in keeping with its inspiration (which I’m guessing is the late, legendary author Ray Bradbury) the best I’ve thought up so far is “Home of the Fighting Illustrated Men.”  (Suggestions are welcome in the comments section.)  Sam drops Millie off at the school but she’s concerned about what he’s going to do for the next two hours.  “Oh, I’ll wander around…have a cup of coffee…don’t worry about me,” he reassures her.  (Siler City does have that burlesque house...)  Sam wishes his gal good luck with a goodbye peck, and with another dissolve…


…we find him standing around by the car as a dejected Millie exits the building with her classmates.  This does not bode well.

SAM: Millie?
MILLIE: Drive me to a bridge
SAM: Whuh…a bridge?
MILLIE: I want to jump off
SAM: Oh, now…come on, Mill…
MILLIE: I flunked
SAM: Well…they didn’t mark the papers already, did they?
MILLIE: No…but I know I flunked…
SAM: Well, how can you be sure?
MILLIE: I’m sure…
SAM: When do you get your grades?
MILLIE: The day after tomorrow…they’ll mail ‘em to me…
SAM: Oh…well…come on…just get in the car, and we’ll take a nice drive…and you can unwind…


As Millie settles in the passenger seat, she casually drops her classroom items out the car window (as somber music plays on the soundtrack): steno book, notebook, pencils (including the one behind her ear).  It’s all rather poignant; a sad commentary on the fact that she will never escape the iron thumb of Boysinger’s Bakery…sentenced to a life of cupcakes and tiramisu.

But good news arrives two days later!  The Mayberry postman—not up-at-the-butt-crack-of-dawn carrier George Felton (played in several episodes by veteran character thesp Norman Leavitt), but (and it’s kind of hard to tell from the poor quality of the episode recorded—though it looks a lot like him) the unidentified actor who was delivering mail in “The Caper”—has just dropped off some cards and letters at Boysinger’s when an enthusiastic Millie shoots out the front entrance and grabs the postal guy, swinging him around and giving him a big smooch.  She continues to run down Mayberry’s main thoroughfare, yelling “I passed! I passed!”—and greeting others along the way with much fervor (she does not bestow a kiss on Emmett, but does a little tongue work with a strapping young grocery boy).  She then runs into Howard:

MILLIE: Oh!  Howard!  I…
HOWARD: No, no…don’t tell me—you passed!
MILLIE (squealing with delight): Yes!

Millie continues down the street, and Howard launches into his Bradbury fight song again…then stops quickly when a passerby in a beige jacket and red cap gives him a look.  (The other laugh-out-loud moment in this episode.)

Millie bursts into the city council office, startling Sam into spilling his coffee all over himself (a brief reminder of Ken Berry’s better work on F Troop).

MILLIE: Sam…I’m sorry I frightened you…
SAM (brushing himself off): That’s all right…what…you passed your test?
MILLIE (laughing with joy): I did it!
SAM: Oh!
MILLIE (reading her grades): “Satisfactory, satisfactory, excellent and satisfactory!”
SAM: Oh…wonderful!  What was the “excellent” for?
MILLIE: Neatness…
SAM (laughing): That’s great, Millie…I’m proud of you… (He gives her a peck on the cheek)
MILLIE: Oh, thank you!  You want to hire me?
SAM: Well…I sure would, if I needed a secretary…yeah…that’s…that’s going to be your main problem—I mean, who in Mayberry needs a secretary?


Yes, at first glance it would appear that Millicent hasn’t completely thought through this change of vocation …but the college has referred her to an employment agency in Siler City, who will send her out on prospective jobs (despite Sam’s disappointment that her future job may be in Siler City).  The “Ajax Employment Agency” sends our newly-minted administrative assistant to the company run by this man:


Couch potatoes will have little difficulty recognizing this character actor: he’s Ted Gehring, a hard-working thesp whose television resume includes appearances on favorites like The Fugitive, Gunsmoke and The Rockford Files (just to name a few) but might be remembered by TV fans as “Ebenezer Sprague” on Little House on the Prairie and “Brady York” on Dallas.  His most prominent boob tube gig was as Charlie, one of the regulars at Mel’s Diner on the sitcom Alice.  Since his character is identified in this episode only as “First Employer,” I have decided to dub him “Sprague” in honor of his Little House role…because, once again, it’s my blog.

SPRAGUE: Well, uh…just how much experience have you had in the…hydraulic equipment business?
MILLIE: Well…uh…none actually…uh, you see…what I do is type, take shorthand…
SPRAGUE: Uh…Miss…I need a girl with a hydraulic background…do you know anything in the world about hydraulics?

“No…but I can sprinkle jimmies on cupcakes like a house on fire!”  Despite her eagerness to learn the hydraulics bidness, Sprague is unimpressed with Millie’s lack of experience and so he sends her on her way, adding insult to injury by yelling out the door he’s ushering her: “Next!”

I’ve talked here on the blog in the past about how these R.F.D. episodes are subject to a sort of vasectomy for syndication—during their original network airing, the series only had to please one sponsor (General Foods) and as such ran episodes that were of a twenty-five minute length.  But in the wide, wide world of syndication the goal is to cram in as many commercials as you can—so because of this, the company that syndicates the show often makes painful snips in the program’s content.  “Millie, the Secretary” features one of the most glaring examples of this: both the IMDb and the end credits of this episode mention that OTR veteran Olan SoulĂ© plays a “Second Employer”—but in the copy I have, there is simply a dissolve to the “Third Employer” (played by character great Milton Parsons, whose films include Edison, the Man, Dick Tracy vs. Cueball and The Haunted Palace), who greets Millie as she enters his office with “Miss Swanson—did they instruct you in the use of legal bonds at school?”  (Millie then says “Goodbye” and heads back out the door.)  Needless to say, I was disappointed that Olan’s participation ended up on the cutting room floor; my many Twitter followers (both of you) are well aware of my propensity to give Mr. SoulĂ© a shout-out whenever I see him on a TV rerun.

MILLIE: Oh, it’s just no use…I’ll never get a job…
SAM: Well, you just have to keep at it, Millie…
MILLIE: It’s impossible!  They won’t hire you unless you have experience, and where are you going to get experience if you don’t have a job?
SAM: Hmm…good question…
MILLIE: Oh…all that money for a secretarial course…and my career is finished even before it begins!
SAM: Oh…it’s not the end of the world, Mill…

Perfect, Sam.  Just the way Sheriff Taylor would have handled it.  Well, Sam’s words of wisdom (I said sarcastically) are interrupted by the ring of the telephone, and Sam passes it off to Millie (she explains she told Old Lady Boysinger she’d be there in case anyone called)…

MILLIE (on the phone): Hello?  Yes…oh, really?  (To Sam) They’ve got another interview for me…
SAM: Oh…
MILLIE (back to the phone): A-A-And you don’t need experience?  Oh, great! (To Sam) Would you write this down, Sam?
SAM (grabbing a pad and pencil): Yeah…mm-hmm…
MILLIE: “Magazines Incorporated…”


And the scene shifts to that very organization, located in the heart of Siler City.  A seedy-looking man approaches the painter putting the last touches on the door, then goes through and crosses over to another door at a back office, where he knocks impatiently.  A seedier-looking man sitting at a bank of telephones gets up from his desk and presses a button on an adjacent desk, which operates a buzzer that opens the back office door.


So here’s a close-up of the two men in the office.  I know what you’re thinking: “I’ve seen these two guys before!”  Actors Herbie Faye (Corporal Fender on The Phil Silvers Show) and Lewis Charles (Lou on The Feather and Father Gang) played ex-convicts hired by Sam to work his farm (snicker) in the R.F.D. episode “Help on the Farm.”  So it’s kind of fitting that they’ve been reunited for this outing—you can even use your imagination and suggest that the reason why their names are different (Faye plays “Marty” while Charles answers to “Frank”) is because people in their line of work resort to a lot of aliases and it’s just possible they may be the same guys.  Both actors played their share of two-bit hoods on The Andy Griffith Show and Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., two sitcoms that suggested untrustworthy individuals lie in wait around every corner to prey on innocent people; one TAGS outing on which Faye appeared, “Aunt Bee Takes a Job” (12/06/65), mimics the plot of “Secretary” in that Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) goes to work for a printing shop run by crooks.

MARTY (on the telephone): Fine…yeah…we’re at 424 Main Street…Siler City…it’s the same action…well, the heat was on the other place and before it was too late, we…made a move…oh, I don’t know…maybe we’ll hang around a month and then we’ll see…look, Charlie…I…I gotta make a lot of phone calls…and…uh…I just wanted to let you know where we’re at…oh, sure…whaddya want?  Ten on Flying Fox in the third to win…you got a bet… (He hangs up)
FRANK: I was over at the agency—they’re sendin’ some kid over…
MARTY: I still can’t figure out why you want to take a chance on some chick we don’t know!
FRANK: Because the chicks we do know…don’t look like no secretaries!  They look like exactly what they are…hookers!

I did kind of chuckle at that.

MARTY: So what’s the difference?
FRANK: We need a front…we need some respectable-lookin’ chick out there to keep the insurance salesmen away…there’s a lot of traffic that goes through a building like this…


Which is why you gentlemen should be renting space in the Bradley Building—the hideout of the bad guys in the serial The Green Hornet (currently being covered here on Serial Saturdays) and The Phantom Creeps (at She Blogged by Night).  Just a thought.  The two men hear someone in the outer office, and so they venture out to find Millie waiting to be interviewed for the position.

MILLIE: Hi…how do you do?  I’m Millie Swanson…the agency sent me… (She fumbles in her purse for a card, and presents it to Marty)
FRANK: Oh…secretary, huh?
MILLIE: Yes…
FRANK: Well…uh…sit down then!  (He motions her toward a chair)

Marty helps his partner out by grabbing a chair and positioning in front of a desk, where Frank sits down after Millie is seated.  Marty grabs a chair as well, then nervously hands Millie’s card to Frank, who in turn passes it back to Millie.

MARTY: Well, uh…naturally we want to interview you…
MILLIE: Uh-huh…of course…
MARTY: Uh…er…first, uh…your name is Millie Swanson?
MILLIE: That’s right…
MARTY: Uh-huh…and…you’re a secretary?
MILLIE: Yes…
MARTY: Er…good…now…um…er…uh…um….well, Frank—can you think of anything else to interview?
FRANK: Well, uh…you’d be sort of like a receptionist here…uh…Mr. Parker and I are gonna be very busy in the back room sellin’ magazine subscriptions over the phone…if you want the job, it pays seventy-five bucks a week and you can start tomorrow!

“Oh!  Do I want this!” Millie says excitedly.  She tells Marty and Frank that she’ll see them in the morning, and as she exits the office does a quick comic “duck-and-dodge” bit with the door painter.  So let’s grab a General Foods break.

Back from commercial, an exuberant Millie is relating the news of her new job to Sam and Howard in the city council office.

MILLIE: …so I started today at seventy-five dollars a week, Howard…
HOWARD: Well, I certainly want to offer my felicitations, Millie…
MILLIE: Thanks…thanks… (She laughs)
HOWARD: What sort of job is it?
MILLIE: Oh, it’s primarily a receptionist…a lot of people come in the office that they don’t have time to see and I tell them very politely that they’re too busy…
HOWARD: Uh-huh…
SAM: She has two bosses, you know…
HOWARD: Really?
MILLIE: Yes, they’re very nice and very considerate…
HOWARD: Well, I imagine being in the magazine business they’re the intellectual type, huh?
MILLIE: Well, I-I-I wouldn’t say that…they’re actually salesmen…they sell over the telephone…
HOWARD: Oh…

Tough break, Howard.  I guess “Tuesdays with Goober” will continue.

SAM: How are you coming along with your typing and shorthand?
MILLIE: Well, I’m just doing typing so far…they gave me a telephone book, uh, of the whole area, and I have to make a list of all the names…right now I’m making a list of all the people in Siler City…and when I’ve finished that in a couple of weeks, I start on all the people in Pokesville and then Warrentown…
(Both Sam and Howard give her a puzzled look)
SAM: Why do they have you do that?
MILLIE: Sam, I’m not going to ask why on my first day!
SAM: Oh…no…of course not…
MILLIE: Well, I’m not going to stop just being a secretary…I’m going to work very hard and be conscientious…oh, and learn the business…
SAM: That’s great, Mill…
MILLIE: I just know I’m going to end up someplace!

Do the words “Camp Cupcake” ring a bell?  Well, in the next scene, Marty and Frank are putting in another nine-to-five laying bets when Frank hears a knock on the back office door…he goes over to answer it, and finds Millie waiting for him—so he carefully closes the door so she can’t detect what’s going on.

MILLIE: Hi…I finished with the A’s and was just wondering if you’d like them or should I just hold them…?
FRANK: Uh…w-w-well, you’d better just hold them…uh…file ‘em under the A’s!
MILLIE: All right…I’ll start on the B’s right away…but…well, I do wish there was some way I could be of more help to you…
FRANK: Oh…well, you see…this is sort of a two-man operation!

Millie nods assent, and sits back down at her desk…then Frank raps on the door, and re-enters the back office when Marty presses the buzzer.  Wiping his brow, he walks over to Marty’s desk, where his partner stares at him.

FRANK: That chick’s getting’ itchy
MARTY: What?
FRANK: She wants to help us…we gotta find something else for her to do before she gets too nosy!
MARTY: Like what?
FRANK: How do I know?  What do guys do in the magazine business?
MARTY: I don’t know…I guess they write letters or somethin’…
FRANK: That’s a start, anyway…go on out there and dictate a letter…
MARTY: Me?  What kind of a letter?
FRANK: How do I know?!!  Just go on out there and dictate and feel your way along…

Done, sold, Bob’s your uncle!

MARTY: Hi…
MILLIE: Hi!
MARTY: Uh…er…I…I wanna dictate a letter…
MILLIE: Oh…oh!  Well, certainly!  (She reaches into the desk for her steno pad and a pencil)
MARTY: Uh…lemme see now…uh…you can start by puttin’ the date up there in the corner…uh…”International American Magazine Company…uh…Cleveland, Illinois…uh…Gentlemen…”
MILLIE: Uh…that’s…that’s Ohio
MARTY: Oh…yeah…yeah…I was thinkin’ of Chicago
MILLIE (giggling): Oh…
MARTY: Uh…now for the letter part…uh…”Gentlemen…we regret to say that we haven’t been able to sell subscriptions to the magazines you…uh…put out…because business has been very slow, and…uh…and…we…uh…we are not able to get out of the gate…”

Learning of the downturn at the company for which she works causes our heroine some concern, and in a scene shift she can be seen discussing the problem with Sam, Howard and Emmett (but no Goober—even though the always reliable IMDb credits him with being in this episode).  Emmett, Sam and Howard are munching on boxes of popcorn, which suggests the four of them have just caught the latest double feature at the Mayberry Film Festival.

SAM: Business is bad?
MILLIE: Mm…it was all in the letter…
EMMETT: Well…maybe it’s just temporary…take the fix-it business—it’s either feast or famine…right now it’s a famine

A nice chuckle moment.

MILLIE: I wish I could help out in some way…
HOWARD: What, you mean by getting some subscriptions?
SAM: A few subscriptions wouldn’t help that much…
MILLIE (brightening): Oh!  Why wouldn’t they?  You know, every little bit helps…
HOWARD: Well, Sam—you know I’m always a firm believer in helping the small businessman…

“That’s why I patronize that Mom-and-Pop adult bookstore over in Weaverville as opposed to your bigger chain outlets…”

MILLIE: Yeah!  How about some subscriptions, fellas?  Howard?
HOWARD: Well…I already get Poetry Gems Digest and The Bird Fanciers’ Guide to the North Carolina Woods, but…well, I might be interested in a newsmagazine or something political…I’ll let you know…

“They have an introductory subscription to Dull Weekly at half-price…I’ll mark you down for that…”

MILLIE: Thanks!  Sam?
SAM: Oh no, Millie…we already get about five magazines…

ButtmanLeg ShowJuggs…”

MILLIE: Oh, and you can get another one…maybe for Mike…

“Who do you think bought the subscriptions to ButtmanLeg ShowJuggs…”

MILLIE: Emmett?
EMMETT: Well, I’ll think of somethin’

“Is Housewives’ Vibrator Monthly still publishing?”

MILLIE: Oh…thanks!  Sam…will you find out what everybody wants, collect the money and then…uh…bring the subscriptions over to the office tomorrow?
SAM: In Siler City?
MILLIE: Of course!
SAM: Oh no, Millie…I’ll give ‘em to you tomorrow night…
MILLIE: Oh, please Sam…
SAM: …I’m a working man, Millie…I can’t…

Sam, you know better than that.  Millie isn’t dumb enough to buy that excuse.

MILLIE: Oh, please…I want to turn them in tomorrow…
SAM: Look, Millie—I can’t…
MILLIE: Oh, thanks, Sam…
SAM: I…

Realizing that if he doesn’t capitulate to Millie’s demands he really will be a working man, Sam agrees to run the subscriptions over to “Magazines, Incorporated”…and in the next scene is seen entering the office of the company.

SAM (handing Millie the subscriptions): Hi…here…
MILLIE (turning away from her typing): Oh!  Hi!
SAM: There’s the subscriptions, and there’s the money…
MILLIE: Oh!  Oh, Sam—this is so sweet of you to do this…
SAM: Yeah…darn sweet if you ask me…I gotta get back to the farm, Millie…

I’ll say this for Sam.  He’s consistent, crappy excuse-wise.

MILLIE: Oh no, Sam…you give it to them…please?
SAM: No, Millie…I don’t have time
MILLIE: Please?
SAM: I’ve got to get back to the… (His voice trails off as Millie picks up the phone and buzzes Frank and Marty in the next room)

“I don’t want to miss Goober’s attempt to break the world record for stuffing marshmallows in his mouth!  While Frank is taking down bets, Marty has a quick and terse conversation with Millie.

MARTY: She’s got some guy out there who wants to give us some magazine subscriptions
FRANK (throwing down a pencil in disgust): Oh, why doesn’t she mind her own business

So the two bookmakers go out into the outer office, where Millie introduces them to Sam as “Mr. Wayne” (Marty) and “Mr. Parker” (Frank).  Since Sam doesn’t immediately say: “Hey…didn’t you two guys work for me on my pretend farm a year or so back?” it’s safe to assume that these are two entirely different characters.

FRANK: Well…we appreciate you wantin’ to give us some subscriptions, but…uh…we kinda ran out of order blanks, and we decided to cool it for a while…
MILLIE: Oh!
FRANK: See ya!
MILLIE: Well, I-I-I’ll go out and get some order blanks if you’ll tell me where to go…

“Ooh…wouldn’t I like to tell you where to go…”

MARTY: No no no…thanks…some other time, huh?
SAM: Now, wait a minute…wait a minute…I drove all the way over here from Mayberry with this stuff…well…you might as well take ‘em…
FRANK: Okay…whaddya got?
SAM: Well…uh…Howard Sprague wants a magazine called Modern Art Forms and…uh…Emmett Clark…
FRANK: Okay…okay…look…we’ll take care of it…
SAM: Here’s the money…here…you can just…mail me a receipt…
FRANK: Sure…sure…we’ll mail you a receipt…
SAM: Yeah…
MARTY: Thanks!
SAM: You bet…
MARTY: Goodbye!

The two bookies duck back into their office, smiling at Sam and Millie as they do so.

MILLIE: Honestly, Sam—don’t you feel good about helping?
SAM: Not particularly…I mean, the way they acted you’d think they’re doing me a favor…


Sam does not get to finish his thought…for he is interrupted by the arrival of two plainclothes cops, one played by one of the deans of character acting, Richard X. Slattery.  To list all of Slattery’s credits would take a lifetime, but he’s best known for regular gigs on such series as The Gallant Men, Mister Roberts (the TV version) and C.P.O Sharkey (TAGS fans will also recognize him as Captain Dewhurst, Barney Fife’s superior officer in two of the Don Knotts guest appearance shows).  Slattery’s character answers to “Detective Carter,” and is accompanied by “Barton,” played by William Henry (though he’s billed as…well, Bill).  This is Henry’s second go-round on R.F.D. (he played concerned parent Mr. Wilkerson in the episode “Driver Education”); he’s best known for his turns in films such as The Thin Man (as Gilbert Wynant), China Seas and Tarzan Escapes.

CARTER (knocking on the back office door): All right, this is Detective Carter…come on out, Frank…Marty…now come on out, I know you’re in there…
(The door opens, and Frank & Marty sheepishly walk out into the main office)
MARTY: Who talked?
CARTER: Let’s go…
FRANK: You got no evidence!  We’re in the magazine business, just like it says on the door!
CARTER: Not according to those telephone tapes we’ve got…
BARTON (indicating Sam and Millie): You, too…let’s go…
MILLIE: Oh…now wait a minute…
MARTY: They know nothin’ about it…they’re clean
CARTER: We’ll check that out down at the station…come on…
(Barton escorts Marty and Frank out of the office)
SAM: Now…hold it…hold it…listen…there’s something you should know…I happen to be head of the Mayberry city council…
CARTER: Well, the Mayberry city council!  I’m certainly thrilled to hear that…let’s go…
MILLIE: We don’t know what this is all about!
CARTER: Well, that’s possible, miss…but we’d like you to cooperate anyhow…
MILLIE: Well…are we being arrested?
CARTER: Not exactly…but would you come along now?

To say that Sam is taking all of this with his characteristically good (if bland) humor would be a big fat whopper—he’s irked at Millie that she’s gotten him involved in all of this.  I’d also like to be able to tell you that the two of them wind up behind bars and that Mayberry R.F.D. takes a new direction in its third season but as I have stated on the blog so often before…we simply aren’t that lucky.

CARTER (after getting off the phone): Well, your stories check out all right…sorry about this, Miss Swanson…Mr. Jones…but obviously we have to find out who’s involved in these things…
MILLIE: We understand…
BARTON (who’s entered with Marty and Frank; he hands Carter a folder containing paperwork): They’re all booked…
CARTER (to a uniformed cop standing behind them): All right, put them away…
FRANK: I’m sorry we gotcha mixed up in this, Miss Swanson…but it wasn’t supposed to be like this…
MARTY: Yeah, and if we need a secretary again in a couple of years you’ll be the first one we’ll call!
MILLIE (with little enthusiasm): Thanks a lot…

I’ll say this for Marty and Frank.  They are gentlemen of the first water.  When the police move in, they simply throw up their hands and observe “It’s a fair cop,” rarely engaging in any kind of messy shoot-outs or resorting to hostage situations.  They’re a credit to the crook profession.

CARTER: Miss Swanson…I…don’t misunderstand me, I’m not suggesting anything but…during the time you worked for them, didn’t you notice anything at all suspicious about their activities?
MILLIE (flustered): Well…no…I…
SAM: I can’t understand that either, Millie…really…you work for a couple of guys for almost a week and you have no idea that they’re bookies?
MILLIE (defensively): Well, how was I supposed to know?
SAM: Didn’t you see anything that made you a little bit suspicious?
MILLIE: They did everything in the back room!  I don’t have X-ray eyes!

“Who the hell do you think I am, farmer boy—Ray Milland?”

SAM: It seems to me that if you were as sharp a secretary as you say you are…
MILLIE: I am a sharp secretary!

Before this can completely turn into an endless “Millie is a ditz” roundelay, Detective Carter brings up an important point:

CARTER: Mr. Jones…you say you gave them these subscriptions and they didn’t have any order blanks
SAM: That’s right…they ran out of them…
CARTER (scoffing): Didn’t that seem strange to you?  Selling subscriptions and no order blanks?
SAM: Well…uh…
CARTER: You gave them the subscriptions…
MILLIE (nodding): Hmm…
CARTER: …doesn’t sound too sharp to me, either…
MILLIE: That sounds real stupid if you ask me…

Check and mate, sod buster!  Well, having established that both of them are idiots (something that really doesn’t come as too much a surprise), Carter suggests that if they’re going to engage in any kind of violence that they do so outside the police station.  He’s the agent provocateur in this whole exchange, and we are all the richer for it.

I’m going to breeze through the coda this week because it’s little more than a rehash of what happened earlier—Sam apologizes to Millie for being a wanker, Millie asks him what Howard and Emmett said when he told them about her idiocy, the “who’s stupider” argument flares up again, yadda yadda yadda.  As for any change in Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™—the fictional device that measures the number of times Aunt Bee punched a time clock in her two seasons with the series—it budges nary a nonce: ten show-ups for Season Deux, and a subtotal of twenty-two appearances for the entire R.F.D. series overall.  Next week on Mayberry Mondays: Aunt Bee’s swan song (no bird pun intended, by the way) in one of the series’ funniest outings, “The Mynah Bird”—which also wraps up the second season of the venerated sitcom (it says here).

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The Green Hornet – Chapter 10: Bullets and Ballots


OUR STORY SO FAR: Britt Reid (Gordon Jones), Axford (Wade Boteler) and Jenks (Philip Trent) go to the Mortinson place on an anonymous tip that it is “the hideout of The Green Hornet.”  Outside the house, Reid makes an excuse to leave Jenks and Axford.  Donning the Hornet garb, brought by Kato (Keye Luke), he enters the house, surprising three gunmen ambushed there.  A fight follows, and the gangsters escape as Jenks and Axford rush in.  Cornered by his own friends, The Hornet hides in a closet.  But Axford has seen him enter and rushing to the door with drawn gun…

…fires into the closet and manages to hit a bottle of inconveniently stored acid, which starts to create a toxic cloud of fumes inside the limited space.  But worry not, faithful Serial Saturdays readers—there also just so happens to be a window inside that very closet that the Hornet is able to open so he doesn’t suffocate…and what’s more, by whistling for Kato, he manages to strip himself of his Hornet outfit and once more become playboy publisher Britt Reid by tossing that regalia to the waiting houseboy below.  On the outside of the closet, Axford gains entrance with a handy bit of objet d’art that he finds on a nearby table; smashing a hole in the closet door, he opens it up to find the “unconscious” publisher lying on the floor.

AXFORD: Reid!  What are you…where’s the Hornet?  Oh, don’t tell me I killed ya…
REID (acting dazed as Axford helps him to his feet): Green Hornet?  I had him trapped…tried to overpower him…he escaped through that window…



AXFORD: Well…how in the world did he ever get through there?

He lost seventy-five pounds and three feet off his frame.  In a hurry.  Meanwhile, Kato has doubled back to the Black Beauty and he speeds off, sounding the buzzing of the motor.

AXFORD: And there he goes…sure, he must be the Devil himself…you sure none of my bullets hit ya, Reid?

“Not even close, Michael…I know what a piss-poor shot you are…”  Jenks arrives as Axford helps Reid out of the closet.

REID: No…I’m all right…
AXFORD: That’s twice The Green Hornet has slipped through me fingers…
REID: He’s as slippery as an eel, Michael…he got away from me, too…
AXFORD: And nearly with ya, from the looks of ya…

“Well, I guess there’s nothing left to do but be on our way,” Reid tells both his bodyguard and ace reporter…hoping they won’t examine that bogus out-the-window story too closely.  See, we have other fish to fry as this week’s chapter, “Bullets and Ballots,” unfolds—not be confused with the 1936 Warner Bros release Bullets or Ballots starring Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey Bogart.  For starters, the Warner’s picture makes you choose between ammunition or slips of paper (you don’t get both).  It also has first-rate turns from TDOY faves Joan Blondell and Louise Beavers, who pretty much steal the show.  The only similarity between these two films is that Anne Nagel, who plays the part of secretary Lenore “Casey” Case in The Green Hornet, has a bit role in the 1936 Bullets (not to mention Joseph Crehan, who plays Judge Stanton, and Ralph Dunn, aka “Andrew T. Thug”) as a bank secretary.  So as the scene shifts to the outside office of publisher Reid, we find her plying her trade and chatting it up with reporter Jenks.

CASEY: So you got the Green Hornet, eh?  Nice going, Jenks!
JENKS: Yeah, you seem kind of glad he got away…
CASEY: Well, maybe I am…and if you ask me, I think he’s giving the crooks a run for their money…
JENKS: Yeah?  Well, wait until after the election and watch the Canby administration give the Green Hornet a run for his money…
CASEY: You talk as if John Canby were already elected!
JENKS: It’s in the bag, Casey…because that boy has promised to really clean up the town!

“My first act as Mayor will be to allocate funds to hire an additional 5,000 custodial engineers!”  This riveting political argument is interrupted by the arrival of professional marksman Michael Axford…

AXFORD: Casey…Reid’s in his office, isn’t he?
CASEY: He’s with Judge Stanton… (She enunciates these nest words) Head of the...non…partisan…voters…league…

“Sufferin’ mackerels…” exclaims Axford, and the scene shifts to the chinwag between Stanton (Joseph Crehan) and Reid:

STANTON: …even at this late hour…if The Sentinel will come out in favor of Hargrave, he’d be elected mayor tomorrow…
REID: Why should The Sentinel take a stand against Canby, his opponent?  He has a clean record…
STANTON: I have reason to believe that every crook in town is backing Canby…

Hey…crooks are entitled to representation, too.

REID: Have you any definite proof of that?
STANTON: No…

“I was hoping to change your mind on the basis of innuendo and hearsay…”

REID: I’m sorry, Judge…unless you can bring forward definite proof, The Sentinel will have to maintain its neutral stance…
STANTON: You’re making a mistake, Reid…

Well, of course he is.  That’s the way these serial chapters work—Reid won’t see the light until the midway point.  So Stanton is escorted out of the publisher’s office, and we are transported to the Bradley Building, the crooked edifice that houses the office of Curtis Monroe (Cy Kendall), crime kingpin.  He is conferring with one of his esteemed crooked associates, Joe Ogden (Arthur Loft), who is nervously pacing the office.

MONROE (studying a ledger): Ogden, these figures gathered from Canby’s precinct captains indicate his election…
OGDEN: Then it’s in the bag?
MONROE: We’ve got to make sure…sit down… (Spreading out a newspaper) In these wards here, we’ve got to muster more sure votes for Canby…
OGDEN: Aw, that’ll be a cinch…the boys have made enough false registrations to elect an alley cat mayor…

“Meow meow…meow meow meow…meow meow!” (Translation: “My first act as Mayor will be to allocate funds for an additional 5,000 mousetraps!”)

MONROE: Well, if we can make Canby mayor our syndicate will clean up millions
OGDEN: Yeah…and it’ll be easier to get rid of Britt Reid and The Green Hornet!


I guess that “clean up millions” reference is what Jenks meant when he told Casey Canby was the only guy able to “clean up” that town.  The scene then shifts to a busy street front, and you’ll notice in the above screen cap that the Lynch Real Estate Company is, as I mentioned last week, right next to the Lynch Cleaning and Dyeing establishment.  But that’s not the interesting news…


…the Lynch laundry company has been transformed into a voting precinct despite having been ravaged by fire in the last chapter!  If this Hargrave guy is the incumbent mayor, I say he deserves another term simply for being able to make necessary civic improvements in the span of one week!

Inside the precinct, Reid and Axford have shown up to exercise their privilege to vote.  Reid’s greeted warmly by the precinct captain (Ed Cassidy), who tells our hero that the vote is “coming in heavy.”  “That’s fine,” replies Reid.  “I’m always glad to see people take an interest in civic affairs.”

ELECTION JUDGE (to a co-worker as Reid goes over to a booth to make his selections): That’s Britt Reid of The Sentinel…he’s done more for this town than any man I know of…
AXFORD: That’s a true word for ya—he’s done just that!

“And that’s Michael Axford of The Sentinel—he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.”  Axford takes his ballot over to one of the booths, and as the two paper employees vote two sinister-looking gentlemen enter the precinct.  When the captain asks them their names, one of them replies: “Scanlon…George Scanlon…”


“Scanlon” is played by character great Bob Kortman, who provided villainy for B-westerns and serials dating all the way back to the silents.  His serials include (but are not limited to) The Vanishing Legion, The Whispering Shadow, The Vigilantes are Coming, Secret Agent X-9 (the 1937 version), Wild West Days and Zorro Rides Again.  It’s a little hard to tell from the above screen cap but he is stuffing the ballot box at the precinct, and the gentleman accompanying him does the same over the protests of the election judge…who ends up on the floor after receiving a sock from Mr. Scanlon.  The two henchmen then hurriedly depart the scene and into a nearby car…Axford chases after them and fires a shot in their direction, but because of his lackluster shooting prowess he’s forced to take down the license number of the car.

Reid catches up with Axford, who is standing outside near a vendor’s wagon when another car zooms by and opens fire on the two men (three, counting the vendor).  A patrol car is not too far behind, and pulling over to the wagon the patrolman (Brick Sullivan) asks Michael what’s going on.  “Ballot stuffin’ and attempted murder,” replies Axford in his brogue.  “That car, pullin’ away there!”  Reid tells Axford to call an ambulance and stay by the vendor’s wagon while he takes after the car. 

We don’t see what happens after that, for in the next scene finds Reid dictating a story to Casey as Axford looks on.

REID: …evidence of intimidation…and corruption…in all precincts…four men have been killed…and a dozen others sent to hospitals…that’s all, Miss Case—transcribe it and get a rewrite man on it…
CASEY: Yes, sir…

As Casey gets up to leave, the circulation-obsessed editor Gunnigan (Joe Whitehead) arrives and sits down in the chair she occupied.

REID (to Gunnigan): I want an extra out on the street as quickly as possible…Judge Stanton was right—the criminal element of this city is lined up solidly behind Canby!
(Jenks has entered the office)
GUNNIGAN: No casualties among the Canby people, eh?
REID: Not one…
JENKS: That’s not all—the Canby crowd are voting ghosts!
REID: You sure of that?
JENKS: Dead sure!  The registration lists have names of people who’ve been dead for years!
REID (hitting his desk for emphasis): I want an extra on the streets quickly!
GUNNIGAN: On my way!  (He gets up from his chair and heads out of the office)

Reid then tells Axford to go fetch his car, and instructs Jenks to grab a camera and meet him downstairs in five minutes—there’s news to be reported!  The next scene finds the three men outside one of the city precincts, watching as a car pulls up.  “Say…that car looks familiar,” remarks Jenks, holding the camera in his hands as they watch a group of men exit the vehicle and walk into the building.  “Thought so,” remarks Jenks to his boss, “those birds are repeaters—that’s the third polling place I’ve seen them go into today!”  They wait for the men to conduct their voting business, and as they leave the polling place Jenks surreptitiously snaps a photo of them with the camera.  Reid then motions for Axford and Jenks to follow him, and in a scene change the three of them wind up at another precinct outside a drugstore.  The car they spotted previously comes zipping around the corner, tires a-squealing.

AXFORD (pointing at the vehicle): Here comes that same car!
JENKS (grabbing Axford’s arm): Look, Man of Action…don’t point!  It isn’t good manners, and you’re liable to get our blocks knocked off…
REID: You think that car contains the same men we saw voting at the last polling place?
JENKS: Absolutely!
(The men emerge from the automobile)
REID: Well, you’re wrong, Jenks…that’s the same car but they’re not the same men…they’re not repeaters…
JENKS: Keep your shirt on, boss…get to the car and be ready for a quick getaway…


Reid looks at Axford and shrugs, then makes tracks for the car.  Before Axford can follow him, Jenks pulls him to one side and whispers something in his ear…prompting Axford to give Jenks an “I gotcha” look.  Axford walks over to the entrance of the polling place, and when the men emerge from the building he asks one of them “Hey, buddy—got a match?”  Axford then reaches up and pulls a mask off one of the men…revealing him to be Lon Chaney!  No, wait…I have my movies mixed up—it’s one of the same guys from the earlier polling place, and after Jenks snaps his picture again with his trusty camera he and Axford start running for Reid’s automobile, which peels out and heads down the street.  The “repeaters” take off after them, and as Reid’s car speeds along with Jenks at the wheel, Reid himself is positioned along the running board.

REID: You were right, Jenks—they are repeaters!  Voting twice in the same place but disguising themselves with masks!
AXFORD: Well, what are we runnin’ away for?
REID: Gotta save these pictures…they’re valuable evidence… (Looking behind to see the other car is gaining on them) Pull over to that car!

Jenks maneuvers Reid’s car alongside another car traveling down the street, and Reid jumps off the running board into the back of that car…which for some odd reason does not surprise the hell out of the guy driving it.  As Jenks and Axford continue on, the car containing the dishonest voting henchmen eventually catches up to them and the henchies pile out of the vehicle, throwing punches and knocking Jenks to the ground.  Two of them have grabbed Axford as a third begins to give him a proper pummeling when he interrupts his beating with “If it’s the camera you’re wantin’, it’s at the Sentinel office by now!”  The sounds of sirens in the distance signal to the “repeaters” that they don’t want to stick around and meet the nice policemen, and so they beat a hasty retreat.  Helping Jenks to his feet, Axford assures him everything is hunky-dunky: “It’s okay, Jenks…I run them hoodlums away.”

The “repeaters” incident makes for good Sentinel copy, as these headlines indicate:


But that last one should give the reader pause in that even when you do expose corruption it matters very little in the long run.  There is a brief shot of Monroe congratulating Canby on his success, and informing him: “Come over in the morning and I’ll give you a list of appointments I want you to make.”  (Indeed.)

Certainly there’s something that can be done about this travesty…isn’t there?  Well, the words coming from the District Attorney (Selmer Jackson) aren’t encouraging…

REID: You’re the District Attorney…and there’s plenty of evidence to wholesale fraud in this election…

Remember this, good people—never pay retail for fraud.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY: What do you want me to do?
REID: Subpoena the ballots and put them in a safe place!
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: Why?
REID: So we can fingerprint them and prove illegal handling!
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: That’s a great idea…

Yeah, darn nice of Reid to do your job for you.  (If this guy was up for re-election, maybe we’d be better off allowing the election to stand.)

DISTRICT ATTORNEY: …but it will take two days to obtain possession of those ballots through a court order…

Buh-what now?  Dude, you’re the D.A.—surely you can grease the wheels of justice a little faster than that…

REID: Well, that won’t do…the minute the gang in back of Canby find out they’re going to be subpoenaed they’ll destroy them…
DISTRICT ATTORNEY: I’m afraid that’s the best I can do…

“…particularly since I’m depositing checks from Diebold…”  This next headline…


…would seem to indicate that somebody in the D.A.’s office is a leaker, and since Monroe Enterprises is pretty good about paying their newspaper subscription bill in a timely fashion, this news doesn’t escape Curtis’ attention.

MONROE: Ogden, those ballots have got to be destroyed tonight!
OGDEN: Where are they now?
MONROE: Stored in the Tri-State Warehouse…

“Tri-State…storing your criminal documents for nearly a quarter of a century…”

OGDEN: The warehouse might burn down…

Okay, the way actor Loft delivered this line—complete with lazy grin—made me laugh out loud because it sounded slightly Pythonesque (“Be a shame if someone were to set fire to it…”); I think I’m going to start using that “might burn down” line in real life from now on.

MONROE: No…the fire might be put out before the ballots were destroyed…you better have the boys hijack them out of the warehouse and burn them on the road somewhere…
OGDEN (starting to dial the telephone): Okay…Dean will know how to handle it…

“But we are still going to burn the documents, right!”  The “Dean” to whom Ogden is referring is a henchman played by Walter McGrail, your typical serial goon who, while proving to be inept at carrying out any sort of deviltry dictated by the head man, manages to escape being caught by the hero in order to prolong this serial for the full thirteen chapters.  We’ll meet Dean and his associates in a sec, but the tableau has now shifted to the apartment of Britt Reid…who is not told by his valet Kato to go jump in the lake when he instructs his manservant to “get the Hornet’s disguise.”


REID (on the telephone): Hello…Banks Incorporated?  This is The Daily Sentinel speaking…we’ve had some heavy collections come in since the banks have closed… (One can faintly hear the voice on the other end ask: “You want an armored car?”) Yes…that’s right…an armored car at the loading platform as soon as possible…yes…thanks…good-bye…
KATO (entering the room with Reid’s garb): What you do now, Mr. Britt?
REID: I’m afraid, Kato, The Green Hornet is going to have to do what the law has been unable to do…prevent those ballots from falling into the hands of crooks!


The armored car pulls up at the platform, and the driver (Michael O’Hara) is asked by the Sentinel’s watchman what’s the dealio.  The watchman is a little hard to make out in this screen cap (what my bud Stacia has taken to calling “Mostly Dark Theater”) but he’s played by comic actor Heinie Conklin, a veteran of the Keystone studio (he claimed to have been one of the original Keystone Kops) and not, despite what I thought for years, related to another Keystone contemporary, Chester Conklin.  If there was a bit part in a Hollywood picture, Heinie was usually around to fill it—you can spot him in any number of the Columbia two-reel comedies with The Three Stooges, Andy Clyde, Harry Langdon, etc.  Heinie was also billed from time to time as Charles Conklin as insurance against some of the anti-German sentiment prevalent during the period he was making films.

Heinie the watchman tells the driver that the two of them will go inside to straighten this situation out, and when the driver’s partner steps out of the armored car for a smoke he is instantly gassed by the Hornet, who has been observing from a short distance away.  “Sorry, old man…but you’ll be all right in a few minutes,” are his parting words to the unconscious driver.  (Yeah…like thirty.)  He then liberates the car by driving off and in a screen wipe arrives at the Tri-State Warehouse.

Inside the warehouse, Dean and his fellow henchies—Corey (Gene Rizzi) and Pete (John Kelly)—are loading boxes of the tainted ballots onto a truck.  Well, perhaps I should clarify this and say that Corey and Pete are doing the heavy lifting…Dean seems to be acting in a purely supervisory foreman capacity.

PETE: That’s the last of the ballots…
DEAN: You sure you got them all?
COREY: Yeah…I checked them off this copy of the warehouse receipt I snitched from the Election Commissioner’s office…

Such lawlessness.  Dean tells Pete to “phone the Chief we’re loaded”…and I’m not sure if he’s calling Monroe to tell them they’re ready to move out or if it’s actually The Chief himself, the mysterious boss of bosses who communicates only by intercom (and apparently by phone in this case…and if this is the case, why doesn’t somebody just trace that phone number and find out who the hell “The Chief” is?).  Actually, this just gives the writers an excuse to allow Pete to utilize his self-preservation skills, for while Pete is off somewhere in the warehouse, the Hornet surprises Dean and Corey…

HORNET: Hold it!
DEAN: The Green Hornet!

It ain’t the Green Lantern, kiddies.

COREY: What do you want?
HORNET: For you to do exactly as you’re told…there’s an armored car coming here…I want you to unload the cases from that truck and put them in the armored car…
COREY: Huh!  We are not!
HORNET: All right…you asked for it!  (He draws his gas gun)
DEAN: No, no!  Don’t shoot…we’ll do what you say…

And although they’re not happy about it, Dean and Corey do the necessary heavy lifting and transfer the cargo from their truck to the Hornet’s armored vehicle.  The Hornet tells Kato to keep an eye on the two stooges while he checks to make sure all the cases have been loaded…and that’s when Corey and Dean foolishly make a run for it.  They do not get far, however, as Kato fells the two of them with the gas gun.


“Nice work,” compliments the Hornet on his valet’s sharpshooting prowess.  “We’ll be back for them later.”  The Hornet instructs Kato to follow him in the Black Beauty while he commandeers the armored car…and once the two of them have sped off, we see ol’ cover-my-assets Pete watching from the shadows.  He quickly gets on the horn to Ogden:

PETE: The Hornet downed Dean and Corey with that devil gun…he’s on his way with the ballots…
OGDEN: You poor saps…three against one, and you let that racketeer outsmart you…
PETE: I’m tellin’ you, we can still stop him…
OGDEN: What?
PETE: He’s going by the way of the Westwood Pike and Valley Spring Road…Andy’s up at the Mortinson place…phone him and have him get busy!


All roads lead to the Mortinson place, I’m guessing.  Well, it doesn’t take long for Andrew T. Thug to “get busy”—he and an unidentified henchie (with a polka dot tie) plant a few explosives at a certain point in the road on which the Hornet is driving along in the armored car.  The Hornet approaches…the thugs detonate the explosives…and most of the road falls away like a mud slide, plunging the car into a ravine below…