OUR STORY SO FAR: Apprentice ka-niggit Galahad (George
Reeves), seeking entrance as a member in good standing with the Knights of the
Round Table, embarrassingly flunks his initiation into that fraternity by
allowing a mysterious personage known as The Black Knight to make off with the
invincible sword of King Arthur’s (Nelson Leigh) known as Excalibur. The sword has fallen into the hands of sleazy
Saxon king Ulric (John Merton), whose ambition to dethrone Arthur isn’t helped
by the fact that his toadying assistant Bartog (Don C. Harvey) is deemed by
many observers to be a drag on the ticket.
Galahad
miraculously manages to retrieve Excalibur in mortal combat…but because this
serial has ten more chapters to go, it’s not long before he’s sidetracked into
helping Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser) and a couple of other captured knights
escape from Ulric’s lair, Back in
Camelot, Galahad proudly shows Sir Kay (Jim Diehl) and Sir Modred (Leonard
Penn) that he’s recovered the sword…and then Merlin (William Fawcett)—who’s
secretly in cahoots with Ulric—takes a dump on Galahad’s good news by
pronouncing the sword a fake. Modred has
decided to rid everyone of Galahad’s “treachery” once and for all by raising
his sword in order to cut off Gallie’s head…
…but before any bloodshed occurs, a sentry calls out that
the King approaches…and Modred’s potentially fatal blow is warded off by Sir
Bors (Charles King), Galahad’s comic relief sidekick. With the arrival of Arthur, you know what
this means…somebody’s going to get a lecture (“What have I told you people
about the cutting off of heads in the castle?”):
ARTHUR: Did my ears deceive me, or
did I hear Galahad condemned to death?
“Um…we were just roughhousing, your Majesty…honest, it was
all in fun!”
KAY: You heard correctly, m’Lord…
ARTHUR: By what authority was
sentence passed?
KAY: This blackguard who calls
himself Galahad has committed the supreme
crime against the Crown!
ARTHUR: What is this crime?
KAY: Treason…your Majesty…
“Also…his steed was parked in a red zone.”
GALAHAD: Sire, it is untrue!
I am unjustly accused!
Maybe it’s just me, but I noticed that when Modred was
getting ready to take a little off Galahad’s top, Lancelot kind of receded into
the background. Now that Galahad’s
decided to mount a defense, he conveniently steps back into the picture. He should change his name to Sir Weathervane.
ARTHUR: You shall have ample
opportunity to speak in your defense, young Galahad… (To Kay) Continue…
KAY: He has consorted with the
enemy with traitorous intent…and he
has conspired to possess the invincible Excalibur for himself…hoping thus to gain supreme power… (Pointing to the sword,
which is in Merlin’s possession) Here is the sword he delivered to Camelot this
day…if you will examine it; you will see that it is a clever imitation…
Well…it’s really not all that
clever.
ARTHUR (looking intently at the
sword): It’s truly a most convincing counterfeit…
KAY: It’s plain to see that Galahad
kept the true sword…hoping to deceive
you with this fraudulent weapon…
ARTHUR: What counsel do you have in
this matter, wise Merlin?
“Hang the sumbitch.”
MERLIN: The facts are self-evident…whoever
seizes Excalibur usurps your power…
ARTHUR: These are grave charges,
Galahad…what do you offer in defense?
“I’ve been eating a lot of Twinkies lately, your Majesty…”
GALAHAD: Noble King…the accusation
is false…as false as that sword you
now hold in your hand…
ARTHUR: Then you willfully
delivered this sword to Camelot…when you knew
it to be a counterfeit…
GALAHAD: No, my King…I didn’t know
it then…and I know now that Ulric never possessed the true Excalibur…
ARTHUR: You speak with certainty…what
proof do you have?
GALAHAD: The proof, my liege, lies
in the fact that we both still live…had
Ulric possessed the true Excalibur, he would have cut you down in battle and
slain me when I attempted to seize it…
ARTHUR: Your defense is well-taken…in
all fairness, I can do nothing but accept what you say as truth…
Brother…Galahad has got the gift of b.s., has he not? I have a feeling if Arthur opened the doors
to his chambers and found Gal in bed with Guinevere it’d be: “Noble King…the
accusation is false…I was merely looking for a contact lens.”
MODRED: We are moved by your eloquence, Galahad…but let us not forget—the kingdom
is still in jeopardy so long as King Arthur…is without his sword…
GALAHAD: Your Majesty…I beg your
leave to seek out one to take me to Excalibur…
ARTHUR: You have knowledge of such
a person?
GALAHAD: Yes, Sire…I have…it was
Bartog, Ulric’s chamberlain, who carried Excalibur from Camelot…it’s
conceivable…that he gave Ulric a false
sword and kept the true Excalibur for himself…
ARTHUR: But are you certain of
this?
GALAHAD: Sir Bors will bear me out…
BORS: I witness…Bartog has the
sword…
While it’s conceivable that Galahad could have learned that
Bartog delivered Excalibur to his king by eavesdropping on Ulric’s tent…I don’t
know how Bors was able to see all this, since he was monkeying around in drag
and then later came close to having a red hot branding iron shoved up his
backside. Writers be lazy!
GALAHAD: Sire, I beg you…give me
leave to hunt him down…
LANCELOT: There’s nothing lost…why
not grant his wish?
“Thanks for the support, Lancie…I still haven’t forgotten,
though, about you having other things to do when this dillweed was trying to
cut off my head…” Arthur once again
demonstrates how Galahad continues to snow him at every turn by saying, “Go
then…and good luck attend your mission.”
(You just know that once he’s ridden out of Camelot’s gate Galahad will
yell back “Suckers!”)
No, I need to be serious.
Galahad and Bors ride off in the direction of Ulric’s cave. They eventually arrive at a clearing, where
they stop their horses momentarily.
BORS: I don’t like the looks of
this place…
GALAHAD: Neither do I…go through we
must!
Okay, it’s not quite as memorable as last week’s “I not only
dare…I must!”—and why is he talking
like Yoda all of a sudden? So our heroes
continue on, and pass by a checkpoint where two archers stand sentry…but
because Ulric has hired the worst bowmen in the kingdom, Galahad and Bors need
not worry about being fired upon.
Instead, the two men wait until they see three more archers riding up
and one of them gives the other men the high sign, prompting a man in that
group to observe “Enemies approach…dismount!”
So the three archers jump off their horses and take their
positions, with the other two bowmen doing the same. Galahad and Bors ride into view, and even
though the five guards totally suck when it comes to archery, it gives Galahad
pause as to whether he wants to chance dying in only the sixth chapter.
BORS: Why do we wait here? Let’s finish them, and have it done with…
GALAHAD: No…one of them might get
away and alarm Ulric’s camp…
BORS: We can’t stay where we are…
GALAHAD: You can…I’m going to
scatter the Saxons’ horses…try not to make such a broad target…
“Hey…was that a fat joke?”
So Galahad leaps off his horse and makes his way towards the horses
belonging to the three bowmen while Bors serves as a decoy, assured in the
knowledge that they probably won’t kill him.
(“I just can’t manage to hit the fat guy.”) Galahad scatters the horses to the four
winds, and Bors rides at breakneck speed with Galahad’s horse…
…I like the bit above: “Taxi!”—allowing the two of them to
continue their assault on Ulric’s camp.
Notice…
…that the five bowmen stand around like doofuses, apparently
unaware that the instruments in their hand are capable of launching sharp
pointy sticks at great distances—and that even though the odds of them hitting
either Galahad or Bors are remote, they could have at least made the effort.
An optical wipe brings Galahad and Bors closer to Ulric’s lair,
whereupon Bors observes “Ulric’s cave is well-guarded.”
“Stay with the horses until I return,” Galahad tells him, as
he stealthily makes his way toward the cave entrance. Okay, I’m kidding about that part—he makes
enough noise in the forest to attract the attention of two sentries, and then
having successfully sneaked past them he approaches the last guard…
…who’s apparently sitting down for a smoke. For some odd reason, Galahad attacks him from
behind, dagger at the ready—but he doesn’t actually stab him. (More on this in a bit.)
Galahad is now in the cave, and that goblet of wine that
Ulric is downing in the background wasn’t a good idea, because actor Merton is
now going to have a little trouble with his beard at the corners as he’s
dressing down Bartog.
ULRIC: Cowardly fools…victory
within my grasp…and my brave warriors flee
like frightened rats!
If memory serves me correct, he compared men running for the
hills to scared rodents last week, too.
I myself have never seen a frightened rat—all the ones I’ve ever
observed had attitude to spare.
BARTOG: You cannot blame them…
ULRIC: You defend them? You, the scurviest coward of them all?
“Hey, it’s not my fault there’s no fresh fruit or Vitamin C in
this lair…”
BARTOG: They thought the battle
lost…when the invincible sword Excalibur was taken from you…
ULRIC: Invincible indeed…are you certain the sword you
delivered to me was Excalibur?
BARTOG: It’s the same sword given
me at Camelot…
ULRIC: Was it the same? Or
perchance a deceiving likeness?
BARTOG: I fail to understand, my
King…
ULRIC: In possession of the mighty
weapon…a sly fox like you might want to keep it for himself—eh, Bartog?
BARTOG: You accuse me of…
ULRIC (threatening Bartog with a
dagger to the neck): What have you done
with Excalibur?!!
I’ll bet he won’t fail to understand that pointy knife at
his gullet.
BARTOG: I swear I delivered it to you directly! If you have been betrayed, it was by your ally at Arthur’s court—he who gave me the sword!
ULRIC (withdrawing the dagger):
There might be something in what you say…
BARTOG: The same black-hearted
knight that betrays Arthur…has betrayed you also…the transaction took place in
haste…it was dark…the blade was covered by a sheath…I swear I delivered it to
you exactly as I received it!
This is why you should always save the receipt, Bartog. And delivery confirmation certainly wouldn’t
hurt, either.
ULRIC: Treacherous dog…he planned to see me killed…
BARTOG: There is yet a way to gain
Excalibur…let me ride to Camelot…and search out the Black Knight…
ULRIC: And when you confront him? Then what?
BARTOG: Either he delivers the real Excalibur…or I denounce him as a
traitor in Arthur’s court…
ULRIC: Your plan has merit, my
fellow Bartog…
Well…only if the Black Knight gives up the sword. If he refuses to do so, and Bartog denounces
him as a traitor…where does that leave you?
The Black Knight ends up beheaded, so neither you nor Bartog gets the
sword. Personally, I think that plan
needs a little work.
ULRIC: You may do so…then we’ll see who is the master of double dealing,
eh?
My money’s on Bartog.
I wouldn’t trust that guy any farther than I could throw him. “Yes, my king,” Bartog replies obsequiously,
and a dissolve later he’s disguised himself in something from the Sherwood
Forest collection, bids his King a fare-thee-well, and exits out the cave
(Galahad has the presence of mind to duck down another passageway to avoid
detection). For some odd reason, Gal
then doubles back to his listening post and looks in on Ulric (who’s just
seated there—maybe he’s working on his memoirs), then heads out of the cave
himself. He passes by the sentry he
should have stabbed with the dagger, and then from on a hill he watches as
Bartog saddles up and rides off toward Camelot.
Running back in the direction where Bors is waiting with the
horses, Galahad stupidly bumps a log that rolls down a hill, and that attracts
the attention of a couple of guards, which means Gal has to hide in the
bushes. Then, the sentry outside the cave
comes to and starts yelling for help—which is why I’m puzzled as to why Galahad
didn’t run him through with the dagger in the first place. So as the two guards go over to help the
sentry, Galahad is able to cut the cinches connected to the saddles on the
guards’ horses. Catching up with Bors,
the two of them watch as the guards fall on their asses when trying to mount,
and share a hearty laugh at their predicament.
What ever floats your boats, fellas. Let’s ride!
Our heroes gallop at full speed in an effort to catch up
with Bartog. But Galahad stops suddenly
as they are only a stone’s throw away from Camelot…
BORS: Hold on? We can’t overtake Bartog nesting on the
hilltop…
GALAHAD: We shall not seize him…yet…
BORS: Have you lost your
senses? It soon be night…
GALAHAD (grinning): If we stop him
now we learn nothing…but if we follow…he may lead us to the traitor at Camelot…
BORS: Oh…you are certainly a prince among foxes…
“And you are a pearl before swine!” A dissolve soon results in nightfall, and
parking his horse, Bartog makes his way to the secret castle entrance. He goes inside, and seconds later Galahad
activates the entrance in order to follow.
But whereas Bartog had little difficulty striding down the passageway,
Galahad encounters a little trouble:
This looks like a job for Superman! Will Galahad end up speared like a cocktail
olive? Will…oh, hell—I can’t do
this. Take it away, Knox Manning!
MANNING: Who is this mysterious
Black Knight?
I don’t know, but he sounds an awful lot like a famous
television millionaire…John Beresford something…
MANNING: For whom are these men
searching?
