Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: Almost the Truth—The Lawyer's Cut

Monday, February 25, 2013

Mayberry Mondays #74: “Howard, the Swinger” (03/01/71, prod. no. 0324)

It’s been nearly a month since we’ve paid a visit to America’s favorite television small town here on the blog…and so I’m pleased as fruit punch to be able to present another installment of Mayberry Mondays, this week’s playlet entitled “Howard, the Swinger.”  This is the last of the tolerable Mayberry R.F.D. episodes: it’s all downhill from here, folks.  And the first indication that this is going to be worth sitting through starts with the episode’s opening credits…


…yes, it’s directed by none other than “Mr. Radio” himself—Elliott Lewis, a true renaissance man when it came to the aural medium in that he was not only a performer (best known for his peerless work on The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show as Frankie Remley) but also a writer, director and producer on such classic programs as Broadway’s My Beat and Crime Classics.  Although radio would always be Lewis’ first love, he secured a great deal of work on the glass furnace, serving as a director and/or producer on such series as The Lucy Show, Petticoat Junction and The Mothers-in-Law—in the years before his death he served as a script consultant on TV’s Remington Steele.


The second indication is that after the opening credits, we find the trusty rusty pickup of gas pump jockey/village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) tooling along the streets of Mayberry until it reaches its destination: Goober’s Gas-Up.  The truck is towing a little sporty car, and the visual of this did make me chortle a bit.

Pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), who is apparently done with his duties for the day, happens to be hanging out at the station with poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry)…who, as experience has taught us, is never done with his duties because he’s essentially getting a subsidy check from Uncle Sam each month.  Howard immediately recognizes the vehicle being towed because he remarks to Sam: “A fellow journalist!”  He then reminds his friend that it’s Pamela Bennington (Judith McConnell), “fashion editor of the Mt. Pilot Clarion.”  Faithful TDOY followers will remember that we all made Ms. Bennington’s acquaintance in the episode “Millie, the Best-Dressed Woman”…in which bakery doyenne Millie Swanson’s (Arlene Golonka) attempts to dictate what Mayberry women will be wearing is foiled by Pamela’s entrance at one of the town’s notorious dances, where she models a short skirt for the delight of the middle-aged leches mesmerized by her shapely female legs.

GOOBER: Hey, fellers—look who I found!

“Can I keep her?”

HOWARD: Well…hello, Miss Bennington!
PAMELA: Hi, Howard!  Sam…
SAM: Pamela…what happened?
PAMELA: Well, I don’t know…I was driving along and then…all of a sudden I wasn’t driving along…
HOWARD: What a shame!  What do you surmise to be the problem, Goob?
GOOBER: I surmise her car conked out…

Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment.

SAM: Oh…that’s too bad…
PAMELA: Well…that’s life…I have to get back to Mt. Pilot—do you have a loan car?
GOOBER: Well…if you can double-clutch, you can use the tow truck
PAMELA (laughing): I’m afraid I’m not ready for that…

Pamela starts to throw out hints that she’s going need a lift back to the “Pile,” as I like to call it…and Howard uses his keen powers of county clerk observation to discern Pamela is a damsel in distress.  “I think I can solve your problem, Miss Bennington,” he eagerly responds, reaching into his pocket.  “I have a bus schedule right here!”

Pamela is underwhelmed, and the usual Goober-Howard dynamic of idiot-and-even-bigger-idiot gets a nice twist when Goob mutters to the clueless Mistah Sprague: “Don’t you know when a girl’s hintin’ for a ride, dum-dum?”

HOWARD: Of course I’d be more than privileged to offer you a ride…it’s just that…well, I…I didn’t want you to think…well, you know—just the two of us alone…
PAMELA: Oh, Howard…I’d be delighted to ride with you!
HOWARD: Oh, splendid!  And you needn’t worry about my driving—I’ve never had a moving violation

As the two of them go off toward Howard’s car, Goober gives Sam a look that says “The boy just don’t be knowin’.”  The scene shifts to a car pulling up to the sidewalk outside the Riviera Park Apartments.

HOWARD: Well…here we are, safe and sound!
PAMELA: Thanks for the lift…
HOWARD: Oh…my pleasure, Miss Bennington…
PAMELA: Pamela
HOWARD: Well…Pamela

“And you can continue to call me Mr. Sprague.”  Howard then says that he should probably let her out before people get the wrong impression, so he exits the vehicle first and goes around to the passenger side to open Pamela’s door like couples do before they get married.  Howard takes a little time to admire Pamela’s digs…and her apartment complex, too (rimshot!):

HOWARD: Well…it certainly is a very nice building—just for singles you say, huh?
PAMELA: Yes, it’s very nice…always something going on—wonderful for meeting people…
HOWARD: I’ll bet!
PAMELA: If you’re interested, I think there’s a vacancy…
HOWARD: Oh?
PAMELA: Well…thanks again for the ride…
HOWARD: Thank you for riding with me…

“You know, Howard—you really are a very sweet man,” she tells him as she gives him a peck on the cheek.  (Howard gets to first base!)  In addition to giving Howard a stiffie, the kiss puts him in a reverie to the point where when he gets back to his car he opens the door to the back seat behind the driver…then snaps out of it and gets in on the driver’s side.  As he does this, he wipes the lipstick residue from his cheek with a hankie.

There is then a dissolve to the Mayberry Diner, where Howard nearly runs into a departing patron as he enters the establishment.  Seated at a booth are Sam, Goober and fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman).  The reason for Emmett’s presence in this episode really goes unexplained; the climax of this installment takes place at a party that Howard throws in his new swingers’ pad…which Emmett does not attend, since he rarely takes his wife Martha (Mary Lansing) anywhere.  So you kind of have to wonder why scribes Dick Bensfield and Perry Grant bothered to write a part for Emmett.  But he’s here, and so we’ll simply have to make the best of it.

SAM: Did you get Pamela home all right?
GOOBER: No movin’ violations?
(The others laugh)
HOWARD (sniffily): For your information, Goober…it was a very pleasant experience…uh…by the way—you fellas don’t happen to have any cleaning fluid on you, do you?
EMMETT: Cleanin’ fluid?
SAM: I’m sorry, Howard…I seem to be fresh out…
GOOBER: What do you want cleanin’ fluid for?
HOWARD: Well, I thought it might help me get the lipstick out of my handkerchief…

“That’s right, bee-yotches…we had sex and everything!”

SAM: Oh, Howard…you devil!
GOOBER: She kissed you?
EMMETT: Who kissed him?
HOWARD: Pamela Bennington…of course, I call her Pam…
EMMETT: You mean that good looker over in Mt. Pilot?  She kissed you?
GOOBER: In the broad daylight?

Howard brags that he and Pamela have “established a great rapport,” even to the point of where she dropped the hint about the vacancy at the apartment complex.  Despite the fact that Howard owns a house in Mayberry, he went by the rental office to pick up a brochure because damn it, he’s moving into that place come hell or high water.

EMMETT (looking at the brochure): Wow!  Hey—listen to this…”Dancin’, swimmin’, relaxin’…never a lonely moment at the swingin’ singles Riviera Park…home of the beautiful people...”  Hey—look at that pool! (Low whistle)
SAM (also whistling): I may sell the farm…

That might possibly be the funniest line in this whole episode.  Emmett starts to count the number of bikinis in the brochure’s photograph, prompting Howard to admonish him with “Emmett, you’re a married man…”

“Well, I may be down but I ain’t out,” cracks Emmett with that well-honed Algonquin wit of his, eliciting a hearty guffaw from Goober.

SAM: Howard—you’re not seriously thinking of moving over there, are you?
HOWARD: Well, I…made a deposit

Yeah, we’re done hearing about your little Pamela escapade, Howard.

HOWARD: It’s only for a couple of months!
GOOBER: One kiss and he goes ape
SAM: That’s a little drastic…I mean, Pamela’s a nice girl and everything but…to put down a deposit…
HOWARD: Well, I didn’t say I was doing it just because of Pamela
EMMETT: You ain’t sayin’ it…but that lipstick is…
HOWARD: Well…Pamela may have something to do with it—but even if she weren’t there, I figure that’s my type of place…
GOOBER: With the swingers?
HOWARD: Well, why not?  Just because a man comes from Mayberry doesn’t mean he’s not hep…

I sit corrected.  That’s the funniest line in this whole episode.  And the punchline on this is Howard calls out to a waitress: “Hey, Gorgeous—lay a cup of java on me, will ya?”  (I’d like to be able to report that she kicks Howard right in the Spragues…but we aren’t that lucky, though she does give him a look that suggests she’ll be serving him a piping hot cup of STFU.)

A scene dissolve finds Howard, Sam and Goober outside the Riviera Park complex, with all three of them carrying boxes filled with Howard’s crap.  An attractive blonde comes walking out, prompting Goober to let loose with a wolf whistle.  “Goober!” scolds Howard.  “These are my new neighbors!”


The three of them enter a courtyard where people far prettier than Howard sit around in lounge chairs and at tables beside the spacious pool shown in the brochure.  Howard is trying to locate the direction of his apartment, explaining “I think it’s down here somewhere.”  “No hurry,” Sam cracks, clearly enjoying the scenery.  So much so that in watching a young lovely on a beach towel he loses his footing and is inches from falling into the pool.  (This made me laugh out loud, since it was a real F Troop moment.)

HOWARD: It must be around here someplace…I know it’s right near Pamela’s…
GOOBER: Why don’t you ask one of your swingin’ neighbors?


Howard asks this woman—who identifies herself as Jane Mullins—where 214 is.  Jane is played by actress Judith Cassmore (billed here as Judy), who despite being fairly attractive is considered to be the complex’s wallflower (as we will soon see)…which will give you an idea of what the other women are like.  (Babes.  Fabulous babes.)  Cassmore’s resume at the IMDb is a little on the skimpy side; apart from appearing in the 70s cult classic Foxy Brown most of her assignments were on the small screen, in guest star roles on series like That Girl and Love, American Style.  (She did appear as Don Rickles’ secretary on his short-lived self-titled sitcom in 1972.)

JANE: Are you just moving in?
HOWARD; Uh…yes…214…
JANE: Oh!  It’s over there!  We’re practically neighbors!  I’m in 203…
HOWARD: Oh…really?  Well…thank you very much…

The three doofuses go on their way, and as an afterthought Jane calls out to them: “There’s a barbecue every Wednesday night!”

“I don’t remember her from the brochures,” grouses Goober.  “Maybe she was underwater.”

Having finally settled into his new bachelor digs, Goober and Sam are checking out Howard’s “pad” like the rubes we know them to be.

SAM: Yeah, you really got all the essentials here, Howard…you got a…fireplace…stereo… (Pointing to the bookshelf) Omar Khayyam…

Condoms…

GOOBER: Is he the guy you’re sublettin’ from?
HOWARD (after giving him a look): Hey!  You know, I think I’m going to hold an open house party this Saturday night…or as they probably call it here, a “bash”…


Another way they describe it would be “I have to wash my hair that night.”  Sam and Goober are quite excited by this proposal, and in a syndication-mandated edit we find Howard decked out in some funky bachelor duds (check out the red suit), fluffing pillows on his couch as the soundtrack swells with hip tuneage that apparently came from the same music library as The Partridge Family.  With his apartment looking properly swinging, he then walks over to a sugar dish sitting on the bar and empties the contents into an ashtray beside it.  Taking the empty sugar dish, he starts to exit the apartment but quickly looks down at his shoes…and gives them a quick shine by the old-rub-them-against-the-back-of-my-pant-legs maneuver.  He is then off…to Apartment 201.


Howard doesn’t get the opportunity to rap on her chamber door because Pamela emerges from her digs at the same time he’s getting ready to knock.  She is also accompanied by a man, played by actor John Strong—who (according to the always reliable IMDb) hosted a talk show in 1971 in addition to his acting credits on such shows as 77 Sunset Strip and Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea.  His IMDb listing also states that he later became a writer and associate/supervising producer (on series such as Search and Return to the Planet of the Apes), with film credits that include Heart Like a Wheel (1983) and Cop (1988).

PAMELA: Why, Howard!  What are you doing here?
HOWARD: Surprise!  I just moved in down the hall…
PAMELA: Well, how nice!  Oh…I’d like you to meet my boyfriend Pete Handley…

Cue the sad trombone!

HOWARD: Boyfriend…
PETE (extending his hand for a handshake): Uh…glad to meet you, Howard…
HOWARD: Hi…
PETE (noticing Howard’s dish): What’s that?
HOWARD: Oh, I just wanted to borrow some sugar…
PETE: Aw, come on—that corny bit?

I got a TL for you, Pete—this is Mayberry R.F.D.  It’s all corny bits.

PETE: You’re not trying to move in on my girl…are you, Clyde?
HOWARD: Howard
PAMELA: Oh, Howard and me?  Don’t be silly…

“Howard is as gay as an Easter parade.”  Pamela explains to her macho boyfriend that Howard is a perfect gentleman…and “if he says he’s here for sugar, he’s here for sugar.”  (Well, he was there for sugar.)  Pamela then tells Howard to go into the apartment and help himself because they’re late for the dance…and I don’t know perzactly what the security is like in that joint but I’d be a little leery of letting people have the run of the place, if you know what I mean.  At any rate, Howard is dejected because the mixed signals he received from Pamela have caused him to drop a bundle on this second home…and with that, we pay a few bills with a commercial break.

Part the second begins with the ever cheerful Millie entering the diner with Sam, who humorously tells Howard to “slide over there, swinger” in order to let Millie sit down in the booth while he grabs an extra chair.  Goober and Emmett are seated on the other side of the booth.

MILLIE: Well…tell us…was Pamela surprised?  All the girls think it’s so romantic you moving all the way over there just to be near her… (She giggles)
GOOBER: Somethin’ went wrong
EMMETT: Yeah…he got slapped
HOWARD: I did not!  For your information, I merely decided that I wasn’t ready to tie myself down yet!  I mean…before a man makes a big decision like that, he…he ought to look the field over…
GOOBER (to Emmett and Sam): Pam dumped him…
HOWARD: Would you stop saying that?!!  I’m going to keep Pam on my list, it’s …well, it’s just…that I think that…if I’m going to be a swinger, I oughta swing!
GOOBER: Does that mean you’re still gonna have the bash Saturday night?
HOWARD: Well, yeah!  Sure!  Why not?
GOOBER: Hey…wooo….wow…wait ‘til you see the lookers over there…which one you gonna bring?  How ‘bout that wild-lookin’ blonde?  You know—the one that Sam was lookin’ at when he almost fell in the pool

Sam…if you were a dairy farmer, you could keep a cattle prod handy for when Goober says stupid things like that.

MILLIE: Oh?!!
SAM: Oh…thanks a lot, Goob…
EMMETT: What about it, Howard?
HOWARD: Oh, I’ll latch onto one…give ‘em all a chance, that’s my motto…

You’re just a hunka hunka burnin’ love, you stud muffin you.  “Where’s the chick—I want some buttermilk,” he muses, looking around for his favorite waitress.


The scene shifts back to the Riviera Park, where our ladies’ man is negotiating his way around the complex’s swimming pool—a popular gathering place for “the beautiful people.”  He finds an empty lounge chair next to a woman getting some sun, and begins to make small talk.  The woman identifies herself as “Susie”—she’s played by Susan Odin, who started out in films as a child actress (Annie Get Your Gun, The Fastest Gun Alive) before moving on to guest roles on such programs as The Man from U.N.C.L.E. and The Wild Wild West.  Check out His Smoothness:

HOWARD: Hi…mind if I put my diddy bag here?
SUSIE: Hello…
HOWARD (after laying out his towel on the chair) If…uh…if I may be so bold…I’m Howard Sprague…I just moved into 214…
SUSIE: Oh, hi Howard…I’m Susie…
HOWARD: Hi…heh…are you going in for a swim?
SUSIE: Uh-huh…
HOWARD: Oh!  Well, mind if I join you?
SUSIE: Oh, fine—as a matter of fact I’m not much of a swimmer…
HOWARD: Oh…well… (Getting up from his chair) In that case, it’s best to use the buddy system…I have a lifesaving merit badge…

“But first—I really ought to call my mother…I want to make sure it’s okay if I go swimming so quickly after eating.”  As if his enthusiasm about merit badges isn’t enough to send this lady running towards the Sapphic sisterhood, Howard then dons this get-up:


He then asks her—and I won’t lie to you, hearing Dodson do this with the nose plug is hilarious—if she’s doing anything Saturday night.  “I’m sure I must be,” she replies, staring at him in complete horror.


Howard throws his towel down on the chair in frustration, and as he walks off the increasingly "repulsive" Jane sees him.  She greets him cheerily, and after exchanging a brief pleasantry Howard continues his quest to find someone hotter than she.  Another woman who’s also worshipping the sun is approached by the suave county clerk…but we never learn her name because in sitting down in the chair beside her, Howard ends up smooshing her sunglasses.  The amusing thing about this encounter is that this woman—identified as “Cheryl” in the credits—is played by Sandra de Bruin, who also played a stewardess Howard was trying to mack on in “Palm Springs, Here We Are.”


Well, having no luck in the “give ‘em all a chance” department, we find a somewhat dejected Howard walking down the hall of the complex and stopping outside the door to 203…the home of the "hideous" Jane.  (To make sure the audience sees how grotesque she is—even though she’s really quite lovely—she comes to the door in curlers.  Yecchhh!!!)  Howard’s heart is clearly not in visiting with her—he calls her “Jean,” and she corrects him—but the two of them go inside the apartment, and she says she’ll leave the door open because “you know how people talk.”  (See?  Jane is like Howard’s soul mate, but he’s not bright enough to see it!)  Leaving the door open will allow the two of them to hear an argument going on between Pamela and Pete, who’s really started to take on some major dinkitude:

PETE: …but I call everybody “Honey”…look—all I said to the girl was “Hi, Honey”…
PAMELA: Pete, it’s not what you said it’s how you said it!

“You were stripped to your shorts!  In the restaurant!”

PETE: Oh, come on… (He takes her shoulders) Look, I’ll see you Saturday…
PAMELA: You can forget Saturday night…I’ll be busy…you’re not the only man in the world, you know…

Meanwhile, back at Chez Jane:

HOWARD (as he’s leaving): Well…thanks for the cocoa…
JANE: Thank you for inviting me to your party…I can hardly wait…Howard…
HOWARD (he gives her a little wave): Well…bye…

I have a sneaking suspicion a heavy holding hands session went on in there.  As Howard goes back to his “pad,” Pamela is exiting her apartment.


PAMELA: Howard!  Where have you been keeping yourself?
HOWARD: Well…I’ve been kind of busy…
PAMELA: Too busy to come and see me?

“Warning!  Warning!  Danger, Dr. Sprague!”

HOWARD: Well…I mean…with your boyfriend and all…I thought…
PAMELA: Oh…he’s nobody we have to worry about anymore…
HOWARD: Really?
PAMELA: Why don’t you come in?

Bow-chicka-a-wow-wow…we see Howard enter Pamela’s apartment, and then the scene dissolves to the Mayberry City Council Office.

SAM: You mean you’ve got two dates for your party?

“Dude—what show do you think this is?  The Brady Bunch?”


SAM: Ho…you really do swing over there, don’tcha?
HOWARD: Aw, come on now, Sam—it isn’t funny…

No.  And it’s not likely to ever become so, either.

SAM (chuckling): Well, I know Pamela…but who’s this Jane?
HOWARD: Well, she was…sitting there beside the pool when I moved in…she was reading a magazine—remember?
SAM: No…no, I guess I didn’t notice her…
HOWARD: That’s the one…

And besides, Captain Parmenter, you were kind of busy trying not to fall into the pool.  Howard tells Sam that the only honorable thing to do is “to call it off with Pamela and go with Jane…right?”

“Right,” agrees Sam.  “So what are you going to do instead of that?”  Well, this particularly sticky wicket that Howard is in is about to be resolved…enter an idiot.

GOOBER; Hey, Howard—didja ever get a date?
SAM: Hoo hoo…boy, that’s an understatement…
GOOBER: Hey, great…who?
HOWARD: Well, I… (Realization kicks in) Hey, Goob—who are you taking?
GOOBER: Oh…nobody…I just…thought I’d show up and play the field…

I guess Goober’s cousin is washing her hair that night.

HOWARD: You want me to fix you up with one of the swingers over there?
GOOBER: Hey!  How ‘bout that…redhead?
HOWARD: Well, I don’t know about her—but I tell you what… (Giving him a wink) You just show up, okay?

Goober leaves the council office on a cloud, and Howard turns back toward Sam…who is giving him a real stare down.  “Well, I’m only trying to bring two nice people together, that’s all” is Howard’s excuse for tricking the manchild that is Goober.

Sam continues to stare at him.  “Well, say something—will you?” pleads Howard.

“I’m trying to think of something,” is Sam’s reply…prompting Dodson (Howard) to react with a funny sour face.  The scene then shifts to Howard’s “bash,” and we see our swinger standing next to a young lovely (Lea Cook) with a blindfold in his hand.  “For those of you who prefer, uh, less strenuous games there’s Parcheesi right over there.”


“Hey, this is weird,” remarks the woman as Howard slips a blindfold over her.  “Whoever thought of playing party games at a party?”  Just wait until they break out the Strip Chutes and Ladders, kiddo…they’ll have to bring in Mt. Pilot’s finest to break that up.

Sam unfortunately had to bring his girlfriend Millie, who is standing over at the food table with her beau:

SAM (in response to the girl’s rhetorical question): Howard—who else?
MILLIE: Um…which one is the blonde you fell in the pool?
SAM: I didn’t fall in the pool…and I promised not to stare at her again until you get the blindfold on…

Howard makes his way to where Sam and Millie are standing, and asks in an irritated voice, “Where’s that Goober?”  This prompts Millie to ask which girl is Howard’s date—“That’s an interesting question,” jokes Sam.

HOWARD (to Pamela): I brought you some punch…
PAMELA: Oh…thank you, Howard…
HOWARD: Two gallons didn’t quite fill the whole bowl, so I…poured in a pint of champagne…don’t let the bubbles tickle your nose…heh heh…

You are a wild man, Mr. Sprague!  In a funny bit of physical business, Dodson starts to put his arm around McConnell’s Pamela…and stops quickly with the arrival of plain Jane.

JANE: Howard…
HOWARD: Oh…hi, Jane!
JANE: I brought you some punch…
HOWARD: Uh…thank you…
JANE: And I made the coffee…all I had to do was plug it in…
HOWARD: Oh?  Well…you didn’t have to do that…

So the faux go-go music starts in, and Sam and Millie hit the dance floor—not dancing like hipsters but kind of a modified ballroom strut.  “Hey…that’s groovy music!” says Pamela approvingly.

Jane likes that funky music as well, and both women wait, expecting Howard to ask them to dance.  But Howard realizes that “I left the rumaki in the oven”…and he starts off toward the kitchen Jane tells him she’ll take care of it.  After Jane has left, Pamela says to Howard: “She’s such a sweet girl—who’s she with?”


“Oh…some guy,” responds Howard.  Well, I’m going to cut to the quick on this one only because the next few bits are simply variations on a theme (Howard invited both girls to the party, but can’t bring himself to cut one of them loose) though there is a funny gag where Howard sits on the couch holding hands with both women.  Finally, “that dumb Goober” shows up—he went to the barbershop before the party and “got the works.” (“Smell the Witch Hazel?”)

Seeing that Goober has arrived, Howard asks Jane to come with him to meet his pal because he’s going to fob her off on one of the lower primates.

HOWARD: I’d like you to meet Jane Mullins…
GOOBER (not completely hiding his disappointment): Hey…
JANE: Hello, Goober…Howard—you have such nice friends…of course, that’s because he’s such a nice guy himself

Another number from The Partridge Family strikes up, and there is a nine-month pregnant pause as the three of them stand there until Howard says to Goober: “Well, Goober—I guess you want to get dancing and everything…”

Goober’s reaction that he’s going to have to frug with Jane equals that of someone who’s just bitten down on a caterpillar he didn’t know was in his soup.  Goober asks Jane if she wants to dance…but then Howard explains: “No, Goober…Jane’s my date—you’re with Pamela.”

Yeah, Howard may be a dweeb…but he’s a dweeb who does the right thing. 

MILLIE (to Sam): I’m confused…
SAM: I think you’re going to have company
(Howard makes his way past the dancers to Pamela)
HOWARD: Pamela…can I ask you something? (She nods) Well…Goober just got here without a date, and I want him to have a good time and everything…and…well, I’m so busy being host…and…I know it isn’t fair to you…
PAMELA: Howard…would you like me to be Goober’s date?
HOWARD: I know you’re disappointed, but…
PAMELA: Wonderful!  I’d love it!

Either Pamela is the most understanding person in the world…or she’s turned on by a man who approaches her with a mouth full of rumaki and asks her to shake a tail feather on the dance floor.  Howard then asks Jane to dance—“I thought you’d never ask,” she says to him happily.

JANE (as they dance): You’re a smooth dancer, Howard!
HOWARD: Oh-ho…thank you!  I learned at cotillion
JANE: So did I!

So Sam and Millie join the dancing throng, too—and Sam takes care to avoid Goober, who’s doing his patented “epileptic-tamping-down-a-forest-fire” shtick.  “Hey, you’re too much!” laughs Pamela, having quite a time.

“That’s what everybody says!” observes Goober, as we limp to the coda.

The wrap-up finds Emmett (you see why I questioned whether his presence was necessary in this episode) getting the skinny from Sam on the wildness that was HowardFest ’71:

EMMETT: Let me get this straight…Goober come by himself and he ended up with Pamela…Howard come with Pam and Jane and he ended up with Jane…you come with Millie and you ended up with Millie…
SAM: Mm-hmm…yeah…
EMMETT: Outside of you—that sounds like one of those new moving pictures I’ve been hearing about… (Sam laughs) Goober and Pam, huh…that just don’t figure…
SAM: Well…don’t sell him short…

I’d take whatever I could get for him.

SAM: Boy, they really hit it off…last I saw Goob was leaving to walk Pam home…
EMMETT: Think he kissed her?
SAM: Well…I don’t know…


At that point in the conversation, Goober storms into the council office…sporting a shiner over one eye.  He’s looking for Howard—“He didn’t tell me Pam had a boyfriend!”

Emmett finds Goober’s black eye uproariously funny…probably because he’s now got something to tell Martha when he gets home that night.

The Mayberry R.F.D. writers took pity on us and spared us the indignity of having to listen to Sam’s progeny, Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster)…but that also means we had to go through Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley) withdrawal—so her absence means that Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Alice-o-Meter™ stays right where it was the last time I did a Mayberry Mondays…at a total of eleven appearances for the third and final season.

Next time—and I want to stress next time only because I can’t guarantee it will be next week; it will depend on my schedule and all—we’ll have the return of Mike in an episode that will feature an apology from me for not giving one of R.F.D.’s regulars a proper send-off.  That installment is “Mike’s Car”…and I invite you to join us when you can.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Don Winslow of the Navy (1942) – Chapter 6: Menaced by Man-Eaters


OUR STORY SO FAR (taken directly from the “crawl” that opens Part the Sixth): While Don’s friends are rescuing him from the wreckage of the fallen smokestack, Scorpion agents rescue Barsac and carry off Chapman, Don’s radio operator.

Don traces Chapman to an old sea mill, but runs into a trap.  Locked in a dungeon with Chapman, he learns that Scorpion agents have photographed the Navy’s secret codes.

Desperately seeking a way out, Don operates a lever which opens a vent letting in a flood of water from the sea and…

Yes, it’s been close to a month since we’ve looked in on the hotbed of spy activity rampant on Tangita Island…and as such, Winslow (Don Terry) and Chapman (Peter Leeds) are getting kind of pruney.  (I like that “desperately” part in the crawl there—“I’m so determined to get out of this enclosed space I’m going to drown myself!”) For those of you out there in YesteryearLand who were concerned that this might mean the end of our hero and his radio operator flunky—well, allow me to assuage your fears.  They are rescued in the nick of time.


But the interesting part of how they were rescued is this: when Don and “Red” Pennington (Walter Sande) first approached the old sea mill they were considerably outnumbered by agents in the employ of The Scorpion (Kurt Katch), and were pummeled senselessly despite the fact that they are trim, fit Navy men.  The agents, however, start to slowly disappear (i.e. run the hell out of the mill) upon the arrival of Mike Splendor (Wade Boteler) and John Blake (Ben Taggart), two middle-aged, flabby bozos who, while armed with handguns, were bound to run out of ammo eventually at the rate they were shooting up the place.  I can only believe that the presence of Splendor and Blake is not the reason why the agents slowly started running for the tall grass but rather, suddenly have become disenchanted with The Scorpion and his ideology of taking over the world.

DON: You got that door opened just in time, Red!
RED: Looks like those crooks tried to drown you!

“No…I did that to myself!”

SPLENDOR: Two of them made their getaway!
DON: They have photographs of our secret codes!

Ah, yes…the secret codes—the “MacGuffin” of the last chapter.

BLAKE (handing him a weapon): Here, Commander…take this gun!
DON: Thanks, Blake… (To Red) If those Scorpion crooks get out of this mill with our secret codes they’ll escape in our car!

Actor Terry, a native of Natick, Massachusetts, pronounces that last word as “cah.”  (“They’re in the yahd, not too fah from the cah…”)

DON: Can you navigate, Chapman?
CHAPMAN: Yes, Commander…

“Just let me cough up this gallon of water in my lungs from that death trap you put the both of us in, and I’ll be fine.”  Don, Red and Chapman head for the mill’s exit while Splendor and Taggart elect to check upstairs.  The scene then cuts to a shot of Henchman Spike (Ethan Laidlaw) running for the hills, carrying a package…he’s spotted by the three men, with Red commenting “He’s headed for our car!”  (Cah.)

The trio give chase, and manage to wing Spike with a bullet, causing him to drop the package…the men then arrive at the spot where it was dropped, and as Chapman picks it up and unwraps it (why the need to wrap it—was it a present for The Scorpion?) Don warns Red not to go after Spike because they still have half-a-serial to go by alibing: “Let him go, Red…he’ll be as hard to catch as a rattler in this thick jungle growth.”  (It’s all about pacing.)

The package, as lazy cliffhanger serial writing would have it, contains the very camera the spies used to take snaps of the secret code books.

DON: We’ll take them back and have them developed to make certain!  And then burn them!
RED: Say—if those are the codes we’ve spoiled another of The Scorpion’s little plans!
DON: This was a big plan, Red…if The Scorpion had our code, he could intercept our messages and then send out false ones!  Without our knowing it!

Zounds and gadzooks!  Well, the two middle-aged guys show up and report that a search of the mill has turned up nothing—so Don assures them that “we’ll have that place thoroughly investigated later”…about the time they also assign somebody to tear down the spies’ various listening posts.  The scene then shifts to the entrance of The Scorpion’s headquarters…where Karl, the narcoleptic security guard in charge of operating the elevator that descends into the nether regions where Scorpion Enterprises, LLC is housed, gets a bit big for his britches by admonishing henchman Prindle (Robert Barron): “About time you showed up, Prindle…M-22’s been askin’ for ya.”

Prindle tells the old busybody to “stow the gab”…and just as he’s getting ready to take the ride downstairs Spike comes running up.

SPIKE: Wait a minute, Prindle!  (He climbs onto the elevator just as Karl is closing the gate)
PRINDLE: Where’s the code photographs?
SPIKE: Winslow and his pals jumped me…creased my shoulder with a piece of lead…took the camera and films…

Oh, boy.  Somebody’s due for a right pranging.  Downstairs, Prindle spots another henchman, Corley (Lane Chandler), and orders him to take Spike over to the hospital to “have his shoulder fixed up.”  For some odd reason, Spike is not amenable to this: “I can go over to the hospital myself!”

Corley explains that he was on his way to let the submarine captain know the “undersea oil well” is fixed and that he can fuel up.  Then Spencer Merlin (John Litel), aka “M-22” and the leader of this sorry band of goombahs, emerges from the door leading to the “hive” of the headquarters and tells him to get a move on because The Scorpion is waiting for his report.

SPIKE: The Scorpion ain’t gonna like Prindle’s report…
CORLEY: You can’t blame him…with Winslow free, there’s always a chance of him findin’ this underwater sub base…
SPIKE: Yeah…it’d be a shame to have that sailor Winslow interfering with this set-up…

Corley then reminds Spike that he needs to get over to the hospital and have the doctor take a look at that shoulder.  (Maybe Spike just doesn’t like doctors.)  Meanwhile, it’s time for Merlin’s weekly visit with the mastermind known as…The Scorpion!

SCORPION: M-22…again you have failed…

If The Scorpion already knows that Spence has screwed things up, why does he feel the need to call him on it all the time?  Couldn’t he just slip something into his folder and then broach the subject during his performance review?

SCORPION: …this time you must carry out my instructions or suffer The Scorpion’s punishment…

He’s referring to himself in the third person.  Never a good sign.

SCORPION: Work on the United States Naval Base continues without interruption in spite of the fact that Don Winslow is dead…it must be stopped!  Do you understand?
MERLIN: Yes, master…but I must report that Winslow is still alive…


I love the above screencap, with The Scorpion turning away as if to say “These people are idiots…and yet I am powerless to fire them, because they are union idiots…”

MERLIN: …he escaped from the accident which we thought had killed him…
SCORPION: Alive?  Then he outsmarted you again

Um…weren’t you the one who told Merlin that Winslow had to be taken alive?  Don’t you think it would be better for your employer-employee relationship if you just congratulated Merlin on this stroke of luck?

SCORPION: Can’t you realize that Winslow threatens our undersea base in Tangita?  He must be taken prisoner and his destroyer—the 620—must be destroyed!  You, M-22, are not to be suspected…contact Koloka, the witch doctor at his native village…and remind him of his promise to help us…use him!  Winslow’s disappearance must look like a native job…you have heard my orders…obey them

And so with a “Peace out” the TV screen with The Scorpion goes blank…prompting Prindle to observe: “The Scorpion was sure plenty sore.”

“He has reason to be,” counters Merlin.  “We’ve got to obey his orders or…well, you know the penalty.”  I’m going to have to challenge this.  The Scorpion always seems more annoyed than angry, and I think he’s mostly bluff.  You never really see any of his underlings punished for their transgressions with the exception of that Human Torpedo guy…and even then he didn’t exactly object to his punishment by saying: “No, I’m not going to do that.  Somebody could get an eye put out.”

PRINDLE: What’s this about Koloka?
MERLIN: Oh, he’s an ambitious old crook who wants to take over the tribe from the rightful chief, Tombana…
PRINDLE: I don’t see how that’s going to help us…

Neither do I…nor I don’t want to alarm anybody, but it looks as if this serial is drifting perilously into Jungle Queen territory.

MERLIN: If we promise Koloka to help him get control of the natives…he’ll take care of Winslow and his associates for us…I have an idea!  If it works, it’ll make Koloka do anything we ask him…I’ll contact him right away…we’d better take Corley—he understands and speaks the native tongue…we may need him…


There is then a cut to Merlin, Prindle and Corley ascending an impressive stone stairway leading up to some sort of monument that looks like an Easter Island statue.  There is then a shift to the outside of some temple, with a stern native standing guard beside a gong.  Corley, who is carrying something resembling a large briefcase, tells the guard “Koloka”—which prompts the guard to ring the gong.  At first thought, I was convinced that “Koloka” was Native-speak for “Get it on, bang a gong, get it on…” but when a gong is heard inside the temple and the native motions for the three goons to go inside, apparently it’s some sort of password.


Merlin and the two henchies enter a great stone hall, where a man stands next to an altar.  This is Koloka, and he’s played by Lebanese actor Frank Lackteen…whose specialty was playing swarthy villains as far back as the silents (he was in many early serials, like The Green Archer and the Charlie Chan chapter play, The House without a Key).  He continued his wicked ways as Indians, Arabs and natives in the sound era—Lackteen is perhaps best-known as the treacherous Shamba in the 1941 serial classic Jungle Girl, but he also turns up in a lot of the Columbia two-reel comedy product, particularly such Three Stooges farces as Shivering Sherlocks (1948) and Malice in the Palace (1949).

Merlin produces one of those Scorpion key chains to let Koloka know he’s with the bad guys, and Koloka asks him “What Scorpion man want?”

MERLIN: The Scorpion said you would help us…Koloka had given his word…
KOLOKA: Scorpion must help Koloka to be chief…Tombana not good king…
MERLIN: The Scorpion is ready to keep his word… (To Corley and Prindle) All right, boys…open up the outfit…

Corley and Prindle unpack the item Corley was carrying…it is apparently a loudspeaker system, which Corley sets up behind the head of a stone idol.  With microphone in hand, Merlin directs Koloka to speak into the instrument…and Koloka’s words soon ring through the stone hall.

KOLOKA: Talk box make look like our gate god talk!
MERLIN: That’s the idea…you can use it to make your idol Monacai…tell your people to get rid of Tombana and make you king!
KOLOKA: Koloka help Scorpion men!

Ah, let us give thanks for superstitious natives…for without them, the work of evil geniuses would never get done.  Merlin directs Prindle and Corey to set up the system behind the idol so that Koloka can really fool the rubes, and then while they’re doing that he asks Koloka if he knows “Commander Winslow”:

KOLOKA: Him big Navy man…
MERLIN: That’s the one…I’ll bring him here with his friends…you keep him alive as a prisoner…and throw the others in the ocean to the sharks…
KOLOKA: Many native people plenty sick…Koloka make native people believe the white man Winslow make their idol angry…
MERLIN (brightening): That’s a good idea!

Well, if you haven’t been offended by that previous “ignorant native” stereotyping…you’re going to love this next part.  Inside the construction office, Winslow is “blacking up,” apparently for an audition for Amos ‘n’ Andy later on, as Red and Red’s main squeeze Misty Gaye (Anne Nagel) look on in complete fascination.


RED: You know…I hope this idea of yours is worth all this trouble…

“And I also hope the NAACP doesn’t get wind of this…”

SPLENDOR (as he enters the office, with nurse Mercedes Colby): Sufferin’ snakes!  Will you look at the boy!
(Misty and Red begin to laugh)
MERCEDES: Don!  What on earth…
DON: I have a hunch that with this disguise I’ll be able to investigate that old sea mill without much interference…

Merlin arrives in the construction office after a slight pause.

MERLIN: Hello, folks!  Can you tell me where I can find Commander Winslow?
DON (turning around to Merlin): Hello, Merlin…I hope you’ll pardon my disguise…

“Personally, Winslow…I’se regusted.”

MERLIN: Well…it’s a very clever get-up!
DON: I hope it will help me in my efforts to learn something about The Scorpion’s gang…

“…and then I’m going to write a book—Native Like Me.”

Merlin, like the double-dealing swine he is, tells Don that he might be able to help him—he’s learned that there’s been an outbreak of illness in a nearby native village, and that the natives are blaming it on “the white man.”  Which would seem to be a completely baseless charge…provided you’ve forgotten that it was the white man who handed the Native American tribes smallpox-infested blankets about the time we were helping ourselves to their land.

MERLIN: Now this fear among the natives may be caused by The Scorpion’s agents…
DON: Why do you say that?
MERLIN: Well, this native said he saw a number of white men…in an old ruin near their village…they were working around an idol, which the natives hold very sacred…
SPLENDOR: Don, me boy!  That’s the clue we’ve been looking for!

The magnanimous Merlin is even going to show Don and Company where this old ruin is located (“It’s on a cliff, overlooking the village”) and take them there…because he’s just the swellest guy.  Winslow suggests they investigate tuit suite, because there’s not much time left in the chapter.

MERCEDES: But, Don…what about this get-up?
DON: I’ll leave it on…I may be able to investigate the old sea mill later… (Chapman enters the scene) Oh, Chapman…I want you to go with us…we may need you…
CHAPMAN: Aye, aye sir…

“But I’m not putting on the blackface, sir.  That sh*t is racist.”  Don, Red, Splendor and Chapman all file out after Merlin, leaving Misty and Mercedes behind.  There is a cut to an establishing shot of them approaching the large stone steps to the ruins, and then we cut back to the two women in the office as Blake addresses Mercedes (Claire Dodd). (It sort of makes you think that the village ruins are located right across the street, when you stop to think about it).

BLAKE: Miss Colby…I’m in something of a jam…a number of my native workmen’s children are sick and I thought perhaps you might…
MERCEDES: Of course, Mr. Blake!  I’ll be glad to help them…I’ll get my kit…
MISTY: I’ll get it for you!

Blake explains to Mercedes that the company’s doctor has overextended himself and they need all the medical help they can get—“If these children don’t recover, the superstitious natives might blame it on our naval construction job!”

In the meantime, Don and his band of intrepid explorers continue to climb the long stairway…while Prindle and Corey watch from a distance in a tree-shaded area.

CORLEY: Winslow swallowed the bait all right!
PRINDLE: Yeah…then that old crook Koloka will do the rest…
CORLEY: Why is Merlin sticking with them?
PRINDLE: So that Winslow will think Merlin’s one of the victims when Koloka’s natives jump them…
CORLEY: And then when the natives sacrifice the others…Koloka will turn Merlin loose…
PRINDLE: Better than that…Koloka will hold Winslow for us to turn over to The Scorpion…then he’ll fix it for Chapman to escape
CORLEY: Why let him escape?
PRINDLE: ‘Cause Chapman will report that the natives did the job…

“And that’s why Merlin is a GS-15, compadre.”  Well, with that plot exposition out of the way our motley crew reach the inside of the temple—prompting Don to exclaim: “Boy! What a set-up!”


“Yeah…looks a little weird,” editorializes Red…though that might be because he’s never seen that much dry ice in one place before.  Merlin cautions the others, telling them that “if there are any natives around, I’m sure they’d object to us touching their idol.”  (My hard-and-fast rule on that is that if you’re planning to touch my idol you have to buy me dinner first.)

A quick investigative peek around the temple, and Don discovers the Dictaphone set behind the idol.  Suddenly, from offstage, a swarm of native extras move in and quickly surround Don and his friends.  They are captured, and spirited down a series of hallways into a stone room that doubles as a holding cell.  Corley and Prindle enter the temple and spotting Koloka, Prindle asks: “We saw them come in here—did you get them?”  Koloka assures them they’re not going anywhere, to which Prindle replies “Good.”

Outside, at the bottom of the steps to the ruin, Blake and Mercedes have apparently completed their mission of mercy and Blake has decided to take the nurse on a little sightseeing tour.  He explains that the ruins were used as a sacrificial altar to honor the idol, which still stands inside the temple.  (Except on Saturday nights, when the VFW hosted their weekly dances.)  Mercedes coos: “Won’t he be surprised when he sees me walking in on the investigation?”

Well, Corley and Prindle are sure surprised…they spot Blake and Mercedes coming up the stairs as they’re coming out of the temple.  Prindle tells Corley that they’ll have to be sacrificed with the others, and has him inform Koloka of this new development.

Inside the prisoners’ cell:

DON: I’d certainly like to get out of this dungeon and investigate this place!
RED: It might be The Scorpion’s hideout!
MERLIN: From what I overheard I don’t think so…
SPLENDOR: Did you hear those heathens say what they’re going to do with us?
MERLIN: That old witch doctor…told the natives we were to be sacrificed
DON: We’ve got to get out of here!

If I were with that group, my response would be: “And the next time you order me to come with you, Don Winslow…you can just bite me!”  Outside in the temple hall, Prindle issues orders to Koloka that Blake and Mercedes are friends of Winslow, and that they must be sacrificed with the others.  “Koloka do what you say,” replies the witch doctor.  (“Koloka only pawn…in game in life…”)

Well, as you can predict—Blake and Mercedes go blundering into the temple, and are quickly captured by the fast-as-lightning natives, who then take them to the same room where Don and the others are being held captive.  Prindle, positioned behind a pillar along with Corley, instructs Corey to tell Koloka to “start the sacrificial ceremony.”

But Don has readied a plan with that steel-trap mind of his: when the door to the dungeon is opened, they’ll jump the guards and make for the top of the stairs—“There’s a door there.”  They get their opportunity when Blake and Mercedes are brought in, and the six of them escape after yet another badly choreographed fight with stuntmen.  Downstairs, Koloka is whipping his fellow natives into a frenzy, telling them—in so many words—that they have to “kill Whitey.”

Don and the others reach a balcony…and peering down, see nothing but jagged rocks and the deep blue sea.  (So much for the brilliant idea of going up the stairs and out the unknown door.)


MERLIN: We’re no better off than we were before…
SPLENDOR: Sure, and you’re right…it’d be suicide to jump off of this cliff…
DON: Sure, and you’re wrong, Mike—I can make that dive…
MERCEDES: No, Don…please don’t try…
DON: I’m sure I can make it…then I’ll sneak back to the temple, get the guns…and if I’m lucky, we can make a break for it…

No one seems to raise an objection that his success rate in this venture is going to rely on a hell of a lot of luck…but, hey—if he wants to break his fool neck, you shouldn’t be too concerned about stopping him.  He takes a dive that would make Johnny Weissmuller proud, and once in the drink…


Rut-roh, Raggy.  Didn’t this chapter title say “Menaced by Man-Eaters?”  I only see one man-eater…