Guest Review: The Seven Year Itch (1955)

By Philip Schweier

Recently while trolling Netflix, I stumbled across a handful of movies to watch the next time I had the opportunity. And since Mrs. Wife went out of town for the weekend, it made sense to start with the Billy Wilder classic, The Seven Year Itch, starring Marilyn Monroe and Tom Ewell. Monroe gets top billing, no doubt because she was the more bankable star, but it’s Ewell’s character who is the focus of the story. Or lack thereof, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The movie begins with the explanation that since the days of the Indians, women would leave the island of Manhattan in summer, journeying upstream to escape the heat and humidity. This leaves the male of species free to indulge in several weeks of bachelor freedom. Richard Sherman (Ewell) sees his wife Helen, and son Ricky, off at Penn Station, committed to respecting the ideals of matrimony, rather than revert to caveman-like behavior, driven by baser instincts like his fellows.

Sherman is a book editor, and that evening, he sits down to work on a manuscript in which a noted psychiatrist claims that a significant proportion of men have extramarital affairs in the seventh year of marriage. Sherman’s imagination proceeds to run wild, as his wife Helen (Evelyn Keyes) appears to him in spectral form and he tells her of missed opportunities in which he was irresistible to women, but she ain’t buying it. Even in her ghostly form, she knows his imagination at work when she hears it.

Enter The Girl, played by Marilyn Monroe. She’s sub-let the apartment above, and while Sherman is clearly charmed by her (it’s Marilyn Monroe, fercrissakes!), he remains steadfast in his resolve. But fueled by the analysis of the manuscript, and the constant temptation of his boss (Donald MacBride), it appears it’s only a matter of time before Sherman succumbs to temptation.

In the original play by George Axelrod, Sherman does give in, but in order to be adapted for the screen, much of the sexual content had to be written out. This leads to a much more innocent relationship between the fumbling, over-imaginative Sherman (channeling his inner MacLean Stevenson) and the clueless Girl. As a result, the plot really doesn’t go anywhere.

Convinced his wife may have taken up with a writer, Tom McKenzie (Sonny Tufts), Sherman almost feels justified in his flirtations with The Girl. But when McKenzie arrives to pick up the kayak paddle little Ricky left behind, Sherman is once more convinced of his wife’s fidelity and rushes off to Maine to join her. The End.

But not before giving McKenzie a punch in the nose, one he deserves. Blame Tuft’s pathetic acting; or Wilder’s directing (unlikely); or perhaps Wilder and Axelrod’s scripting the scene without the sexual innuendos of the original play.

The film has become a classic, but less so for its craftsmanship and more for its iconic imagery. This is the film in which Monroe so famously stood over the subway grate, her dress blowing up over her legs. Marilyn is in full bloom here, with her breathy delivery and naïve charm, blissfully unaware of her sex appeal

The original play on which it is based may have had more meat on its bones, but due to standards of the day, what is left is a paper-thin puritan narrative. It’s worth watching if you’ve never seen it, but despite its pedigree, its entertainment value has fallen victim to the 50+ years since it was originally released.

Perhaps if it were remade today, it might follow its source material more closely. But on second thought, that seems impossible. The character of The Girl would have to be either a complete air-head or a conniving seductress. Either way, it seems unlikely she would end up in bed with whatever stammering but charming doofus she’s paired with.

Doris Day(s) #16: “The Clock” (01/28/69, prod. no #8531)

To use an expression that has become popular in describing TV shows of today—this week’s edition is a “very special Doris Day(s).”  The reason for this is that “The Clock” is actually a sporadically funny installment, with a number of laugh-out loud moments (it made me nostalgic for Mayberry Mondays) and appearances from two character greats reprising their roles from past episodes.

As our show opens, it’s established that the Widow Martin (Doris) is wore to a frazzle—wore to a fraz…zle!  We don’t witness the birth, but apparently Alma the family cow was great with calf, and Dor has been up for the past two nights assisting with Alma’s labor.  (Why no one else in the household is dead tired goes unexplained—Doris must have been the only one assisting the vet.)  “Mother and daughter are doing just fine,” Doris assures her loyal housekeeper Juanita (Naomi Stevens) as she wearily drags her ass to the table located in the kitchen nook.

Oh my.  It appears this episode suddenly got interesting (and the blog’s pageview count has increased exponentially).  Sorry to disappoint you—this isn’t what it looks like, despite Doris’ “I think we should have a celebration—don’t you, Juanita?”  Nor is this, in which Juanita appears to be assisting Doris because the boss lady threw back too many tequila slammers:

Doris’ trip upstairs to catch up on her Z’s is interrupted by the arrival of the woman in the screen capture below, whom Doris Day(s) fans might remember (provided they refrained from drinking heavily after reading the write-up) from “The Friend.”  The role of Grace Henley is played by actress Peggy Rea, whom you’ve seen on The Waltons and Grace Under Fire; she would later work with Doris Day Show co-star Denver Pyle on The Dukes of Hazzard (Peggy played Lulu Hogg in several episodes).  Grace must have roaming privileges in the Webb household (“Yoo-hoo!  Doris!”)—she kind of just barges right in without so much as a door knock or bell ring.

GRACE: Oh, boy—what have you been up to?

DORIS: Well…

GRACE: Look…I just came to drop this off and check on your report…

Sometimes Doris’ reactions are the only things that keep me going.

DORIS: Oh, no…

GRACE: Don’t tell me you forgot…

DORIS: Yes…oh, shoot…

Doris!  You watch your phraseology!

DORIS: You don’t have to have it until tomorrow, do you?

GRACE: Well, three o’clock the committee meets…and we can’t proceed with our other plans until we have the financial report…

DORIS: You got it…

GRACE: Promise?

DORIS: No…

Oh, Dor…you saucy minx!  Seeing Grace’s face fall, Doris reassures her she’s just kidding, so Grace takes her leave after telling her tired pal she’ll see her tomorrow at three.  “There goes my nap,” Doris tells Juanita sadly, and she orders her domestic to fix her a strong pot of joe.

My heart kind of skipped a beat in the next scene—not necessarily because inept handyman Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) has returned to the show, but because this vehicle pulls up while Leroy is chopping a few cords of wood…

Yes, I thought for a moment I might have wandered into an episode of Green Acres by mistake, since that chug-a-bug looks similar to the truck driven by Hooterville’s resident con man Eustace Haney (Pat Buttram).  But as is so often our mantra here at Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: we simply aren’t that lucky.  We’ll have to settle for second best—or Haney-Lite—in the form of Tyrone Lovey, played by the incomparable Strother Martin, last seen in “Love a Duck.”  It is indeed a tragedy that Martin’s Lovey only appears in two Doris Day Show episodes; sure, you can make a strong argument that with the show’s gradual shift to action in the big city in future seasons it would have been hard to work him in…but many of the second season shows still take place at Rancho Webb, so it wouldn’t have been too challenging.  As Lovey brings his jitney to a stop, Leroy alerts the Laird and Master (Pyle) of Webb Farms as to his arrival.

LEROY: Tyrone Lovey’s here, Mr. Webb…

BUCK: So he is…now watch him…he’s liable to steal the barn…

I laughed out loud at Pyle’s delivery of that.  Leroy assures his employer he’ll “watch him like a hawk”—but to ease everyone’s fears, Lovey is not here to purloin a few more of the Webb Family’s feathered fowl…he’s here to talk bidness.

BUCK: What you got there, Lovey?

LOVEY: What have I got here?  (He climbs up on the truck) What have I…got here…? (Giggling) A sight to gladden the heart of your little girl…you’re gonna thank ol’ Lovey for this…

Tyrone removes the tarp with a flourish, revealing an antique highboy underneath.  As if scripted, Doris wanders out to the yard in time to see the furniture on Lovey’s truck.  “Just look at the gleam in that little girl’s eyes,” beams Tyrone…and this elicited a giggle, since that “gleam” is due mostly to Doris’ lack of sleep.

LOVEY: Like the eyes of a child on a Christmas morning!

BUCK: How much?

LOVEY: Buck Webb…you ought to be ashamed talkin’ money at a time like this…

BUCK: How much, Lovey?

LOVEY (to Doris): Missy…would I let money stand between you and your heart’s desire?

BUCK (under his breath): Oh, boy…

LOVEY: I’ll tell you what we will do…we will take this beautiful piece of furniture inside…and set it up where it’s gonna be…

BUCK: No!

LOVEY: It may be…that you won’t like it once you see how it looks…

BUCK: No you don’t!  We deal for this right here and…

Doris interrupts her pop—telling him that Lovey is right; it may not fit and if it doesn’t, they won’t want to buy it.  So Buck resignedly climbs into Tyrone’s truck and prepares to do the heavy lifting required to tote the highboy upstairs.  “Well, now…I’d like to help you,” explains Lovey, “I really would…but my back has been actin’ up somethin’ fierce lately.”

“I had a feeling you was gonna say something like that,” grumbles Buck.  Buck orders Leroy to give him a hand, and Doris…

…well, I don’t think we’re going to be able to count on Dor.  Buck wakes her up by stomping a couple of times on the truck bed, and Doris wakes up in a funny fashion.  “I’ll clear a place in my room,” she answers groggily.

 

A few minutes of amusing physical comedy follow: Buck and Leroy are trying to haul the highboy up the stairs but the drawers are sliding out (“Buck!  Leroy!  You’re losin’ your drawers!” warns Lovey).  As the two movers negotiate that tricky turn on the stairway Leroy loses his grip, pinning Buck to the wall with the furniture.  “You are crushing Buck,” admonishes Lovey.

Lovey, Buck and Leroy manage to bring the highboy into Doris’ room…where our heroine is sacked out on the bed.  Buck wakes her up with a “Doris!” and she sleepily walks over to the opposite wall, while trying to move a loveseat out of the way.  (Tyrone can’t help her, because bad back.)  Leroy finally sets the highboy down (and staggers over to a chair, out of breath) so that the four of them can admire their handiwork.

LOVEY: It fits in this room…like it was meant to be…

DORIS: Oh, it’s beautiful…

BUCK (muttering to Doris): When he starts talkin’ about price…remember the big table in the kitchen… (To Tyrone) Uh…how much are you askin’ for this thing?

LOVEY: Well…uh…Buck…seein’ as how we’re neighbors…and because it does my heart good the way your little gal took to it…I am going to let you have this beautiful highboy…

BUCK: How much?

LOVEY: …for practically what it cost me…

BUCK (angrier): How much, Lovey?

LOVEY: Eighty-five dollars…

BUCK: Eighty-five dollars?

“That’s not bad,” observes Doris.  “Well, in San Francisco it would cost twice that much…I know that.”  (A little bit of sitcom foreshadowing for Season Tres.)

LOVEY: That’s right, Missy…in San Francisco…that’s right…

BUCK: You haven’t been ten miles outside of Cotina…what do you know about San Francisco?

LOVEY: Well, they got the fire out—I know that…

Laughed out loud at that, too.

BUCK: I’ll give you half…

LOVEY: Buck…I couldn’t do that…

BUCK: All right—no sale!

Since Buck has made his mind up, Doris sleepily tells him “you better take it down then.”  “I’ll chip in, Mr. Webb,” chimes Leroy in a please-don’t-make-me-lug-this-back-downstairs voice, which was good for a giggle.  So Buck reluctantly opens his wallet and starts counting out the eighty-five.

“You just said…” starts Doris, but Buck interrupts.  “It’s either him or the chiropractor,” he says with finality.

But Tyrone isn’t quite finished.  “Missy,” he continues, “this here highboy…it needs somethin’ on it.  And I know just the thing…a nice, beautiful, chimin’ clock.”  Doris opens her mouth wide in amazement, which is Buck’s cue to give Tyrone a fast trip out of the bedroom.

DORIS (to Leroy): You know something…he’s right…he’s got an eye…a chiming clock would look just…perfect on it…

LEROY: Yeah…it would kinda fill up that hole, wouldn’t it?

DORIS: Uh-huh…

LEROY: Are they expensive?

DORIS: Oh, yeah…it’s not in my budget right now anyway…

But it just might be in Mr. Simpson’s budget—particularly since he has precious little outlets to spend the mere pittance that Buck and Doris pay him for working the Webb estate.

A dissolve finds Doris’ spawn, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke) running to the front door, calling out Leroy’s name.  Doris walks in from the kitchen just as Leroy enters with a package—it’s clear she’s not been to bed yet, but she tells him goodnight.  As Leroy brings the package in, the kids are curious as to what’s inside; he tells Billy and Toby “You’ll never guess in a million years!”

Unfortunately for Leroy, there’s a rather audible ticking emanating from the package…and while Toby may be slow, he’s not that slow.  “I know—it’s a clock!” he exclaims.

“Well, if it’s not,” jokes Buck, “we all better start running.”  Doris melts at Leroy’s thoughtfulness, and she opens the clock at the foot of the stairs.  “Oh, look,” she wails.  “Just what I’ve always wanted…look, boys!”  The kids respond with the enthusiasm usually reserved for the news that they’re getting a vaccination during this visit to the doctor.

DORIS: Hey…let’s go up and see how it looks, huh?

BUCK: Why don’t we do that tomorrow?  If you’re gonna get that report out, you better get crackin’…

DORIS: Oh…yeah…you know something?  I’m…I’m so tired I think that I’m just going to do it in the morning, you know?  Anyway…oh, I just love it…

Doris needs Leroy to pull her up off the stairs so she can give him a thank-you kiss, and in the next scene we find Dodo sleeping peacefully, dreaming her dreamy dreams.  (As Warner Brothers fans know—she’ll see you in her dreams.)

But enough of these obscure movie references.  The camera pans over to the clock in the highboy, as it begins to chime ten times because it’s 10pm.  However, the chimes resemble the sound of someone standing in Doris’ room, furious clanging two pans together.

A half-asleep Doris takes the clock into her bathroom, and gingerly places it in the tub, covering it with a bathmat.  She resists the urge to drown it, and instead heads back to her bed for some badly needed rest.

But, no!  An hour later, the clock strikes eleven and chimes again—so loudly that Doris falls out of bed!  You kook!

Naturally, with that racket going on all night…Doris is in no shape to attend the committee meeting that afternoon.  She’s asleep in a chair, looking as if she burnt the candle at both ends the night previous.  After Grace finishes her presentation, she calls upon Doris for her report.

Doris!  Wakey wakey!  Eggs and bakey!

Doris gets to her feet, and with pointer in hand, informs the committee that at the beginning of the year they started out with six thousand dollars in the treasury.  Grace gently corrects Doris—they actually had a balance of sixty dollars.  (Hey—just a little sloppy accounting, nothing to get too worked up about.)

Doris!  Up and at ‘em, sunshine!  Well, our heroine valiantly struggles to remain awake…but if you’ve got any money on The Sandman in this bout, prepare to collect your winnings from Monty the Gonif.  Doris performs some amusing physical comedy, running her pointer through the chart (“There goes March,” she chirps).  Finally, Buck emerges from the kitchen and informs the other committee members that “this isn’t what it looks like.”

I love this bit, where Pyle carries Doris off like she was a sack of grass seed.  He calls out for Juanita, and as he takes Doris upstairs the other women can be heard in sympathy (“This report can wait, can’t it, girls,” says Grace sadly).  A dissolve finds Juanita tucking Doris into bed, and then she turns to Buck.

BUCK: Well, that tears it…there’s only one thing to do—get rid of that clock…

JUANITA: She won’t let you…that was a present from Leroy…

BUCK: Well, present or no present…she can’t go on with no sleep like this…it’ll ruin her health!

The two of them tiptoe out of Doris’ room…but another dissolve finds Buck sneaking back in later that evening.  He removes the clock from where Doris had it in the bathroom, and then starts downstairs—the only problem is that Nelson (Lord Nelson), the faithful family mutt, is whining and growling at him for invading His Mistress’ boudoir.  Lifting up the phone receiver, Buck dials a few digits…

BUCK (whispering): Hello…Lovey?  Buck Webb… (Pause) No, I haven’t got a cold!  Well, never mind why I’m talkin’ this way—listen…how would you like to have a genuine antique clock…free?!!

After the Ralston-Purina break, Tyrone Lovey noisily pulls up in his teakettle Town and Country…and Buck yells at him to “turn that motor off!”  “What are you trying to do, wake everybody up?” he asks.

“Is the family sleepin’?” Lovey asks him.  “Well, what do you suppose at 3:00 in the mornin’ they’d be doin’?” responds Buck sarcastically.  (“Hey…I’ve heard stories around Cotina, Buck…that’s all I’m willin’ to say.”)

LOVEY: Hey…hey…that is a nice lookin’ clock…I bet that would look real good on Miss Doris’ highboy, huh?

BUCK (handing him the clock): Now this is what you come for…you got it, now get movin’…

LOVEY: Uh-uh…not too fast…I bet you got this insured pretty good, ain’tcha?

BUCK (yelling): What are you…? (Tyrone places a finger to his lips, and Buck starts to whisper) Talkin’ about?

LOVEY: Shoot, Buck…you don’t have to play cozy with ol’ Tyrone…I expect you’re gonna get a pretty penny back from the insurance company…

BUCK (glaring): Lovey…you wanted a clock…you got a clock…now get out of here…

It’s not that Tyrone isn’t willing to help his pal out.  It’s just that at the time he agreed to take the clock off of Buck’s hands, he didn’t realize it was a chiming clock.  “Everybody knows it’s bad luck to travel at night with a chimin’ clock in your truck,” he explains.  He got that “straight from a gypsy fortuneteller.”

LOVEY: It’s ten years of nasty bad luck…

BUCK: And just what would it take to ward off that…uh…ten years of nasty bad luck?

LOVEY: Well…I don’t think that a dollar a year would be too much…do you?

Buck gazes up at the second floor where Doris’ bedroom is located…then reluctantly fishes a sawbuck out of his wallet to give to Lovey as we dissolve to the family kitchen.  It is morning, and while Buck and Leroy are finishing off a hearty breakfast of baklava smothered with sticky buns, Doris conveys the news to all assembled that her clock…is gone!

DORIS: Hey…did one of you take the clock from my room?

JUANITA: No!

DORIS: Well, it’s gone!

LEROY: You mean somebody stole it?

DORIS: Well, if none of you here took it…well, then…I don’t know…

The first rule in the Shreve household when I was growing up was that anytime something was broken or missing, the interrogation of the children commenced immediately.  (This was to prevent my sisters and me from “lawyering up,” to use the vernacular of Law & Order and its various franchises.)  How Billy and Toby escaped this questioning I attribute to writer Joe Bonaduce’s desperate need to wrap this episode up.

DORIS: All I know is when I woke up…it was gone… (Buck has difficulty concealing his guilt) Leroy…I’m just…if it’s true…I’m just sick about it!

LEROY (getting up from the table): I’m gonna call the sheriff…

BUCK (stammering): Well, what…what…what good will that do?

LEROY: I’ll offer a reward!

DORIS: Oh, I just feel terrible…

BUCK: I…I can’t tell you how that makes me feel…

We hear that familiar “ding” on the soundtrack…followed by another…and no, it’s not the bell on a typewriter.  Doris is using her special tingly mom sense to discern that something is not quite kosher.  A dissolve then brings us to the Webb family living room, where Doris, Leroy and Buck have congregated—Leroy asks if Doris has heard from the sheriff yet.  “Not a word,” she says firmly.

BUCK: Doris, will you quit frettin’ over that dang clock?

DORIS: I like to know who did it!

BUCK: Well, if I thought it was that important to you I’d have… (He stops suddenly)

Ding!

DORIS: You’d have what?

BUCK: Forget it…

LEROY: You know what I think?  I think that there’s a gang of clock thieves loose in this neighborhood…

“I’m warning you, Dobbs!”  Buck presses upon Leroy to shut up about the freakin’ clock, but his handyman reminds him about the reward he’s offering.  And speaking of “reward,” outside we hear the “toot-toot” of the Loveymobile…and as Tyrone is welcomed inside, he carries with him…the clock.

DORIS: Where did you find it?

LOVEY: Well…I…it is the strangest thing…

DORIS: Well, it sure is! (Soundtrack ding)

LOVEY: Now simply there I was…drivin’ along the road on my way to prayer meetin’…when I saw this light in the brush…well…I’m not a suspicious man by nature—and never have been—but something told me I oughta take a look-see…and what do you think I saw?

BUCK (resignedly): A…clock…

LOVEY: No!  I saw a gang of clock thieves…and…and they was makin’ their escape in this truck just loaded with clocks…

DORIS (noticing that Buck is slinking upstairs): Where are you going?

BUCK: Well…I thought I’d get my pipe…or…

DORIS: Don’t you want to hear the rest of the story?

There’s really not much left to tell—which is good, since that means we’ll get out of here early for a change.  Lovey continues embellishing his story—the “thieves” lost one of the clocks in their escape, and Tyrone brought it over to the Webb farm to see if it belonged to Doris.  Which it does.  (Quel surprise!)  As Buck tries to give Tyrone the bum’s rush, Tyrone brings up the small matter of the reward…and Leroy, a man of his word, rushes out to his room in the barn to get the money.

DORIS: …now I don’t think Leroy should have to pay this…

BUCK: Well…if he was fool enough to offer…

Major emphasis on “fool.”

DORIS: Now, wait a minute…the clock was stolen from our house…don’t you think you should pay for it?

BUCK: Well…

(Doris gives him The Look, so he pulls his wallet from the back of his pants and opens it up…then hands some bills to Lovey)

TYRONE: That’s ten…and twenty…thanks…

“Evenin’, Missy,” Tyrone tells Doris as Buck hustles him out the door.  “I’m glad I was lucky enough to find the clock…”  What a swell guy.

DORIS: It kind of backfired, didn’t it?

BUCK: Now…no third degree…I confess…but I just couldn’t stand to see you walking around here like a zombie…

The Doris Day Show…cross-pollenated with The Walking Dead.  Oddly enough, I’d watch that.

DORIS: Look…I appreciate your kind thoughts…but did you have to do it this way?  I mean, we could have thought of something…

BUCK: Uh-huh…well, you got your clock back…you may never sleep again—but Leroy’s feelings won’t be hurt…

Oh, Buckley…you foolish mortal, wearing the manure-stained footwear.  There’s a reason why we’re always hearing so many “dings” on the soundtrack of this show—never misunderestimate Doris’ motherhood powers.

DORIS: Maybe not!

BUCK (as he stops on the stairs): What do you mean?

DORIS: You know—something happened to my clock when it fell off the truck… (As she plays with the clock hands) It sure is running fast…do you think Leroy could fix it?

BUCK: Leroy?!!

DORIS: Uh-huh…

BUCK: That boy has trouble tyin’ his own shoelaces!

DORIS: Yeah…

BUCK: He couldn’t fix that clock in a million years without wreckin’ it!

DORIS: Right…

Then the penny drops for Buck.  “Right!” he agrees conspiratorially.

Let’s put this one to bed only because the coda is fairly anti-climactic—Leroy is in the living room, working on Doris’ “broken clock”; there’s a towel nearby him with various clock parts and tools, and he’s being assisted in the “repair” by Doris’ cheese-loving sons.  Doris and Buck are seated in a chair and on the sofa, respectively, getting ready to high-five one another over the brilliance of their plan.

Leroy grabs what he believes to be an essential cog in the clock’s works, then Toby informs him “That’s from my tiddlywinks set.”  Finally, he finishes attending to the clock and he closes the cover (he’s got a few spare parts left over, too).  The clock’s internal ticking mechanism can be heard loudly as Doris and Buck stare at one another in disbelief.  When Leroy moves the hands to 3:00 to check out the chime, the clock rings out noisily…one…two…three…four…five…six… (Leroy, you’re incorrigible!)

Next time on Doris Day(s): a dismal little outing entitled “The Buddy,” which features appearances from two character greats.  One of them is an old-time radio veteran (Let George Do It, Wild Bill Hickok, Dragnet) who’s best remembered for the movie line: “Nothing's too good for the man who shot Liberty Valance!”  The other…well, I’ll let my Twitter compadre Stephen Bowie tell you all about her here.  Be sure to join me!

Guest Review – Open Mike Night: Dressed to Kill (1941) and My Gun is Quick (1957)

By Philip Schweier

Recently, Netflix has added a handful of low-budget crime films to its current repertoire, and I took the opportunity to indulge myself in two tales starring famous private eyes named Mike.

Lloyd Nolan stars as Mike Shayne in Dressed to Kill (1941), in which he becomes embroiled in an entertaining little murder mystery on the eve of his wedding. His bride-to-be, Joanne (Mary Beth Hughes) is a performer in a burlesque theater, and a resident of the Hotel Du Nord next door. As they are leaving to get hitched, a maid’s scream alert Shayne to the demise of one of the hotel’s residents and his guest.

Said resident has occupied an upper apartment for years, and even had a number of secret passageways to the theater next door installed, where his last successful show closed decades before. Immediately, suspicion falls upon his former cast mates, who in one manner or another are slowly being eliminated.

With the promises of a small fortune awaiting him should he solve the murders, Shayne launches his investigation, much to the frustration of his betrothed, as well as Police Inspector Pierson (William Demarest). In semi-comedic fashion, Shayne manages to expose the culprit, with the help of Mantan Moreland, who would parlay his bug-eyed routine to great success in the Charlie Chan movies.

The film is hardly as charming as the Thin Man films, nor as cerebral as any Sherlock Holmes adventure. It’s a sugar cookie of a movie, hardly satisfying or nutritious, merely intended to satisfy a momentary craving for a simple murder mystery

My Gun is Quick (1957) stars Robert Bray as Mike Hammer, in a loose adaptation of the Mickey Spillane novel of the same name. Full of no-name performers (by today’s recognition anyway), the film’s budgetary shortcomings actually work in its favor by increasing the traditional grittiness Spillane fans expect. The story deviates from the original novel (Mike Hammer’s second outing), but still remains a suitable entry in the Mike Hammer film canon.

Mike befriends a down-on-her-luck prostitute who is later found murdered, and the unique ring she wore is missing. It would appear the ring is a piece from a collection of jewels smuggled out of France following the war. Determined to get to the bottom of her killing, Mike follows leads that take him from one end of the social spectrum to the other. Most of those he encounters along the way have a nasty way of ending up dead.

The script is a bit suspect, leaving a few plot threads unresolved, but the film is so steeped in classic LA film noir, complete with mid-1950s jazz and dimly lit, cramped sets, that most fans of the genre might be forgiving. I enjoyed it, but your mileage may vary.

Government Agents vs. Phantom Legion – Chapter 1: River of Fire

Greetings, cliffhanger fans!  Serial Saturdays is pleased to present the inaugural installment of our latest chapter play to be featured here on the blog—Government Agents vs. Phantom Legion (1951).  Legion was one of three serials to be released by Republic that year—the other two being Don Daredevil Rides Again and Pirates’ Harbor…which was actually a retitled re-release of a 1944 chapter play, Haunted Harbor.  You can’t say Republic wasn’t thrifty; they saved money with the Harbor re-release, and Legion didn’t run them into too much money either—the total negative cost was $153,612, according to Jack Mathis’ must-own reference book Valley of the Cliffhangers.  Using a heck of a lot of stock footage also helped (and I mean a lot of footage); they did the same with Don Daredevil…which consists mostly of recycled material from the previous serial productions in Republic’s Zorro franchise.

Our presentation begins with stock footage highlighting the first-rate miniatures of Republic’s ace special effects team, Howard and Theodore Lydecker:

Kowabunga!  That ought to satisfy the stunts-and-explodiations crowd!  A series of screaming newspaper headlines accompanies the footage:

More stunts and explodiations…

Another headline…

And finally things get underway.  It is night, and in the cab of a hauler we find Hal Duncan (Walter Reed) and his number-one driver, Sam Bradley (John Pickard).  The reason why Sam is not at the wheel is because Hal is his boss; Duncan owns a trucking company, and has decided to accompany his buddy because of the rash of trucks sabotaged shown in the previous stock footage,

SAM: With all this hijacking going on, I suppose it’s a good thing having you along—but if you keep on driving this crate yourself you’re gonna run me right out of a job!

HAL (chuckling): And if anything happens to my last truck the Duncan Transportation Company will be busted and we’ll both be out of a job!  So we gotta be careful…

SAM: I don’t see why anyone should be so hot after this load of hardware we’re packin’…

HAL: Well, it isn’t just hardware…we’re loaded with precision machine tools for the government stockpile of critical materials…and it’s just the kind of stuff the crooks are going after…

That is—without a doubt—the clumsiest bit of verbal plot exposition I’ve ever witnessed in a serial.  Suffice it to say, I have high hopes for Legion.  And speaking of crooks going after, Sam and Hal are blissfully unaware that that they’re being followed by a sinister sedan.  There are four men in the car, but the only two that need concern us are the man at the wheel, Cady (Fred Coby), and the shotgun-riding hood known as Regan (Dick Curtis).

Actor Walter Reed was no doubt chosen to play the part of Hal Duncan because of his strong resemblance to Republic leading man Ralph Byrd—the actor who starred in all four of the studio’s Dick Tracy serials as the titular detective.  (There’s a lot of footage from those four productions recycled in Legion.)  Reed previously starred in a wacky Republic cliffhanger released a year earlier, Flying Disc Man from Mars, but he’s perhaps best known as Gail Russell’s jellyfish husband in the 1956 Western classic Seven Men from Now.  Reed also played hubby to Latina firecracker Lupe Velez in the last two Mexican Spitfire films, Mexican Spitfire’s Elephant (1942) and Mexican Spitfire’s Blessed Event (1943).  In an interview with B-Western and serial historian Boyd Magers, Reed admitted that he had no memory of working with Legion leading lady Mary Ellen Kay nor Pierce Lyden.  "I never knew him [Lyden] until he came up to me at a film festival in Sonora a couple of years ago and said, 'We worked together in a serial.'"  Reed went on to explain: "You work so hard in serials that you don't have time to socialize.  You hit your marks, do your lines and move on."

As sidekick Sam Bradley, actor John Pickard’s career wasn’t quite as distinguished as Reed’s; though the hard-working thesp did appear in many small roles in a number of movies both A and B—True Grit fans know him as the father of Kim Darby’s character, whose death sets the plot of that classic oater in motion.  Pickard’s main claim to fame was starring in a 1957-58 syndicated television western, Boots and Saddles, and he later had a recurring role in another boob tube series, Gunslinger, in 1961.  The (always reliable) IMDb says that Pickard was in the running for the starring role on the greatest TV western of them all, Gunsmoke—producer Charles Marquis Warren thought his tests were promising but that he “floundered in a love scene with Kitty.”  “I don't think he ever knew how close he came to immortality!” Warren later observed…though considering the amount of actual “lovemaking” that went on between Matt Dillon and Ms. Russell on that show I find that anecdote highly suspect.

Fred Coby was another actor who did the gruntwork in the trenches (according to Reed Coby was a lifeguard before and after this production), playing bit parts in a number of films…serial fans have seen him as Tioga in the 1946 chapter play The Scarlet Horseman.  His boss is far more recognizable (though he’s without his familiar moustache)—it’s Dick Curtis, the movie veteran who played bad guys in scores of B-westerns and whose serial appearances include Flying G-Men (1939), Terry and the Pirates (1940), Batman (1943), The Phantom (1943), Lost City of the Jungle (1946) and Roar of the Iron Horse (1951).  (Legion would mark Curtis’ serial swan song.)  Dick appeared in many of Columbia’s two-reel comedy shorts with the likes of the Three Stooges (Yes, We Have No Bonanza, Crash Goes the Hash) but one of my favorites is a Hugh Herbert “scare” comedy, Get Along Little Zombie (1946)—he’s the jealous husband of Christine McIntyre in that one, and hysterically funny.

Hal and Sam’s truck is passed by the Bad Guy Sedan, which then blocks off the highway up ahead—prompting our heroes to take a quick detour down a side road.  The hoods follow them in their car, and after a few minutes of spirited car chasing, Hal cleverly knocks over a billboard…blocking their pursuers from following.  The two friends looked at one another as if to say “Suck it, Phantom Legion!” and drive off as the scene shifts to…

…the Interstate Truck Owners Association.  Here, in the unassuming building known as Interstate Block, lies the real power behind the cargo-carrying vehicles that traverse this great land of ours.  The members of the association will now hear a lecture from a colorless government drone named J.J. Patterson (John Phillips), who is so boring and inconsequential his appearance in this production is limited to the first chapter only.  We also meet the four other members of the ITOA—well, five if you count our boy Hal:

Armstrong (Pierce Lyden), seen standing here with Patterson…

Crandall (Arthur Space)…

Thompson (Mauritz Hugo)…

…and Willard (George Meeker).  So this is how this serial is going to work: in a moment, bad guys Regan and Cody will get their orders from one of these four gents…but we don’t know which one.  This device was often used by Republic, most famously in Manhunt of Mystery Island (1945)—in which the audience had to wait until the last chapter to learn which one of four people had assumed the identity of Captain Mephisto (played by the Baddest Serial Villain of Them All, Roy Barcroft).  (I have this one on hand here at Rancho Yesteryear—I might tackle it in future if I get over my aversion to fifteen chapter cliffhangers someday.)  The studio also used it on the other side of the coin with regards to their masked heroes, with four possible suspects as The Lone Ranger (1938) and The Masked Marvel (1943).

J.J.: Well, I’m already acquainted with Mr. Duncan…we worked together during the war…

This is why I did not lump Hal in with the usual suspects.  He’s been given the stamp of approval by Uncle Sam.

ARMSTRONG: Oh…is that so?  Well, as far as we truck owners are concerned…we’re practically in another war with these hijackers right now…and we’d appreciate any help you can give us on how to protect ourselves…

J.J.: Well, that’s why I’m here, Mr. Armstrong…

“Just make the check out to ‘Cash’…”

J.J.: Gentlemen…all of you have suffered considerable loss from the hijackers the last two months…it looks very much like it’s the work of a single, organized gang…since they only go after shipments on the government’s critical supplies list…

CRANDALL: That’s what I’ve always maintained…some organization of saboteurs or foreign agents is trying to wreck this country’s defense program…

J.J.: Well, that may be it, Mr. Crandall…

“Although you seem to be forgetting I’m the government agent here…”

J.J.: …or someone may be running the gang just for his own profit…in any event—the situation is serious enough to warrant the assigning of a government agent to work full-time with your association…and I believe Hal Duncan would be just the man for the job…

Hey…waitaminnit…Hal’s not with the government!  He’s a respectable citizen what owns a trucking company!

J.J.: (to Hal): Your knowledge of trucking operations…and…uh…your war experience as an undercover investigator…gives you the necessary qualifications…

HAL: Well, this is pretty sudden…

And a little too convenient…if you ask me…

HAL: …but none of us are going to do any good in the trucking business until this gang is cleaned up…so I’ll tackle the job if it’s all right with the others…

THOMPSON: What makes you think Duncan can handle the job better than the police?

J.J.: Because it seems very likely…that some of your employees are working with the thieves…’cause they always know where and when important shipments are being made…and I feel Hal would have a better chance to uncover the informers than an outsider would…

CRANDALL: I’m for it!  What do you think, Willard?

WILLARD: Well, I vote yes…it’s about time these outrages stopped!

ARMSTRONG: Sounds like an excellent idea to me—how about you, Thompson?

THOMPSON: I still think the police should be able to handle the job…that’s what we pay taxes for…

“You pay taxes, old man?  Remind me to introduce you to my accountant when this meeting is finished…”

THOMPSON: However, since I’m outvoted I’ll go along with the rest of you…

Thompson…there’s no shame in filibustering.  I’m just sayin’.  So now that Hal has the job, Patterson will take him over to “headquarters” and have him “sworn in.”  (I put those in quotes because I’m not sure I like this setup.)

ARMSTONG: We want to give you all the help we can, Hal…

HAL: Thanks…I think my best bet is to ride with the trucks until I can pick up some leads…but I would like to have access to your records and reports here…

ARMSTONG: Of course!  Make this office your headquarters!  Miss Roberts will give you all the help she can…

“F**k that noise—I’m leaving for Cancun next week!”  Miss (Kay) Roberts is the lone female character in Legion, played by actress Mary Ellen Kay—who had a brief career in the 1950s doing small parts in films (The Well) and playing B-Western leading ladies until the 1960s.  Legion was her only serial.  The meeting adjourns, and with a fade we find ourselves outside…

…the Metz Building.  Inside, Regan and Cody wait in an office that hosts a desk in front of a large mirror.  This looking glass is a two-way affair, the individual on the other side can see Regan and Cody but they, alas, cannot see him.  The villain in Government Agents vs. Phantom Legion is identified as “The Voice”…

…but he’s actually never technically referred to as such in the serial (he’s generally just called “the boss”), so I hereby declare I won’t make any jokes about the successful NBC reality series (nor First Generation Radio Archives founder Harlan Zinck or country music legend Vern Gosdin)…unless I get really desperate.

CADY: When’s he gonna get here, Regan?

REGAN: As soon as he can get away from the Association meeting…

CADY: It’s a funny business…workin’ for a boss you never even see…

It’s not that funny.

REGAN: Yeah…but don’t forget…he can always see us, Cady…with the kind of stakes he’s playin’ for, he can’t afford to trust anybody…and with the kind of dough he’s payin’ us we got nothin’ to kick about…

The Voice enters the adjoining room, and addresses his minions through the mirror.

VOICE: I have some bad news…at the Association meeting today, Hal Duncan was appointed special government agent to try and break up our organization…

“Damn it!  I had Crandall in the office pool…”

CADY: Well…he can’t get anything on you, can he?

VOICE: I’ll see that he doesn’t…but he already suspects that we have connections inside the Association…and I’ll have to be very careful what I say at the meetings…

REGAN: How’s he gonna operate?

VOICE: So far he plans only to ride as a guard on some of the trucks…so if he should happen to be on one that you stop…you know what to do about it…

REGAN: Okay…do we still go on with the hijacking?

VOICE: Yes…my buyers, both in the black market here and abroad, will pay almost any price for the critical materials the government is stockpiling…and we must secure these materials before they’re placed under guard in federal warehouses…

The last time I heard dialogue this clunky I was listening to a Frank and Anne Hummert radio program.  The Voice informs his flunkies that their next assignment is to procure some hand grenades…and he has devised a cunning plan to assist them.  A fade out, and then fade in on the truck carrying that very same cargo as it tools along an “alternate” highway.  In the cab are Special Government Agent Hal Duncan and his trusty sidekick Sam.

SAM: Didn’t we get into enough jams tryin’ to get your own trucks through?  Without takin’ on Armstrong’s troubles, too?

HAL: Well, this time we’re looking for trouble…I wanna get a line on some of these hijackers and this load of grenades ought to be good bait…

Up ahead, Hal and Sam spot what appears to be a car accident.  They pull up in their truck and run up to where the body of the unconscious man lies and find a man named Brandt (Tom Steele) kneeling over him.  The bicycle is a nice touch, though I think I would have enjoyed it more if the bad guys had put a kid on the payroll.

HAL: Is he badly hurt?

BRANDT: I’m afraid so…I don’t know whether I should move him…

Hal examines Cady, and declares “I can’t find anything wrong with him.”  (Oh, so now we can add “physician” to his “special government agent” resume?)  Hal, this is because you have been duped—Regan emerges from behind the car, pistola drawn, and tells our heroes to get their hands up.  Regan tells Cady to break into their truck for the grenades while at the same time ordering Hal and Sam to get over to the side of the road.

I love how things are always so clearly labeled in serials, because they don’t do nuance in these things.  (“Hand grenades are explosives?  Who’da thunk it?”)

Regan tells Brandt to tie up Hal and Sam, and when he’s finished doing that, Cady is to slip live grenades into their pockets.  But before anyone blows up real good, Hal shoves Cady into Regan and, grabbing Sam, runs down a hill to escape their pursuers.  Regan fires after them, but of course since this is only the first chapter he is a piss-poor marksman.  So he takes one of the grenades from Brandt and lobs it in their direction.  Then the second…

…both miss their mark by a country mile, which means we might have to rework that old saw about “Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”

CADY: Should we go after them?

REGAN: Nah, we’ll never find them down there…we’d better clear out…

Regan orders Brandt to take their car while he and Cady make off with Hal’s truck.  (I like how Brandt disposes of the bicycle by just running it off the road.)  Speaking of which, Brandt is played by legendary Republic stunt man Tom Steele—who started out early in his career as an actor, but quickly learned that stunt work paid better and was more regular.   His thespic talents still came into play, however, he appeared in a number of the studio’s serials (sometimes playing multiple roles within the course of the same production—he turns up again in this one, playing a “warehouse thug” in Chapter 3) and even starred (though he received no onscreen credit) as the titular hero known as The Masked Marvel (1943).  (This is because the audience was forced to dope out which of four individuals was the true Marvel…and to add insult to injury, Steele suffered the indignity of having his voice dubbed in that one by actor Gayne Whitman.)

Hal and Sam are shown watching the car and truck being driven away by the crooks—though how they’re able to observe this from their hiding place down a hill remains a mystery.

HAL: Looks like we’re in the clear…

SAM: Yes—but we’re a long way from home…and it’s miles to a phone…so by the time we can turn in a report the truck will be hidden out someplace, getting new numbers and a new paint job…

HAL: Yeah, but I got the number of that car…they might not think to change that…

Yes, because criminals are so stupid.  Trust me, this is not a plot contrivance and I resent you thinking as such.  A dissolve finds Hal hanging up a pay phone and walking over to Sam, who’s massaging his feet to make us believe the two men walked the miles to same.  Hal informs Sam that he’s just got off the phone with the police; he gave the gendarmes the numbers of both the truck and the car and they’re in the process of setting up roadblocks to catch those miscreants.  A second dissolve finds Brandt at the wheel of the Bad Guy Sedan, and he slows down at a roadblock to be asked by a cop (Frank Meredith) some routine questions.

COP: Is this your car?

BRANDT: Yes…why?

COP: Pull over to the side of the road…

The policeman hops up on the running board as Brandt starts to comply with his request…then Brandt puts the pedal to the metal and zooms off, dumping the cop to the ground.  The cop and his partner hop on their motorcycles and take off after Brandt.  After several minutes of a furious chase, one of the cops shoots out a tire on Brandt’s jalopy and…

Poor Brandt.  We hardly knew ye.  Back in the office that Armstrong bestowed upon Hal, our hero chats up Miss Roberts—telling her that while Brandt’s escape was foiled by the men in blue, the cops have had no luck in locating the stolen truck.

KAY: How can anyone ever dispose of a stolen truck?

HAL: Well, they switch numbers…repaint…even rebuild bodies…it can be done, all right—but it takes time…and they have to have a safe place to work in…say…that might give us a lead…with the quantity of stuff they handle, they must need a lot of warehouse space…and there aren’t too many big warehouses available to them…

KAY: I know, but…supposing they took the loot to some other city?

HAL: Nah, I don’t think they’d risk it…the police have the out-of-town highways patrolled…so chances are they’re storing the stuff and working over the trucks here…

You know…he seems to know an awful lot about how these guys work, and I don’t think it can be merely chalked up to his amazing powers of deduction.  I’m keeping an eye on him.

HAL: Say—I’ve got an idea… (He walks over to a desk and picks up a large book with “Directory” on the cover, then pulls a chair over to Kay’s desk) Let’s get a list of all the warehouses in town, and tomorrow Sam and I will start checking on them…

KAY: All right…

“What the hell—those Cancun tickets were non-refundable anyway.”  A scene dissolve finds Hal and Sam having no luck with their warehouse searches…and then…

SAM (as Hal prepares to open the doors): Well…here we go again…

HAL: Might as well keep trying…you never know…

Jackpot!  Inside the building, Regan and Cady are commiserating with a third thug clad in coveralls.  “You guys better get out of sight,” he tells his friends as he goes over to open the warehouse doors to allow Special Government Agent Hal Duncan snooping privileges.

HAL (flashing a badge): Government agent…just want to have a look around…

THUG: Okay…not much doin’ in here, but help yourself…

What a polite young man.  So Hal and Sam give the jernt a thorough going-over as Regan and Cady watch from their hiding place.  Sam approaches a rack of tires, and makes a startling (and eye-rolling) discovery.

SAM: Say, Hal…

HAL: Yeah?

SAM (lifting a tire): This tire came off of one of Armstrong’s trucks…

HAL: You sure?

SAM: Positive…I looked at this cut in the casing, wondering how long it would last…

“Um…I also slept with it.  I’m so ashamed.”  Regan and Cady realize that the jig is up, and emerge from where they are hiding to ambush our heroes.  “Stick ‘em up!” he barks at Hal, then he orders Coveralls Guy to frisk them.  The quick-thinking Sam rolls the tire with which he was intimate at Cady, and the trademark Republic free-for-all gets underway.

In between thrown punches and hoods being tossed over tires, Coveralls Guy is shot and killed in a struggle for a gun that he attempted to use to kill Hal.  Momentarily distracted, Regan and Cady open up a convenient trap door in the floor and scamper down it like frightened rabbits.  Hal finds the open trap door and also descends the ladder, which leads to an underground area filled with boxes…and a couple of railroad handcars.  Regan and Cady have already commandeered one of them, so Hal takes the other and follows them down a long tunnel.

Unfortunately for Hal, the handcar he’s liberated has a few boxes of hand grenades on it…while the villains’ getaway vehicle accommodates several cans of gasoline.  After Hal fires at Regan and Cady, his bullet puts a hole in one of the cans, and the resourceful Cady sets the stream of gasoline ablaze with his lighter.  Hal furiously doubles back to keep from being explodiated in a climax taken from the first chapter (“America Beware”) of the studio’s 1942 cliffhanger classic Spy Smasher (1942).