Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Don’t it seem like Twix just keep gettin’ harder to find

The Daily Beast, operating under the amusing delusion that chocolate candy has the same nutritional cache as—oh, I don’t know…carrot sticks, perhaps—has compiled a list of the 40 most popular candies and ranked them from “worst-to-first,” based, according to the Beast, “on their percentage from the median in calories, saturated fat, carbohydrates, and sugar, with each of those four criteria weighed evenly.”

Twix bars hit the top spot at Number One, thereby earning them the sobriquet of “The Candy Bar of Death.” I could tell you that I would never even dream of devouring a Twix bar…but then again, I could also tell you that I’m drop-dead handsome and wealthy beyond anyone’s imagination. Not only do I indulge in a Twix on just about any occasion, but I do it in the form of a Twix ice cream bar, which I’m certain is just reckless gambling with my life at this point. I ask not for pity, but only that in the event I should shuffle off this mortal coil before my time you not laugh and point behind my back and crack: “Well, it was all those goddamn Twix bars.”

About two weeks ago, Mater and I made a Publix run and because they always sell the candy at this time of year at a BOGO deal, she and I both picked up bags of Kit Kat miniatures (#21) and Reese’s peanut butter cups (#32) to give out to the Trick or Treaters this weekend. I had promised myself that the candy would be for the children only and that any left over I could claim for France and well, I guess you know how this turns out—two days after the purchase, I had already sampled some of the confectionaries from both bags…which meant I had to buy a third backup bag just to be on the safe side. (I didn’t eat all the Kit Kats and Reeses—I just wanted to make sure I had plenty in case the little mooks soap my windows if I had nothing to hand out.)

The bag I bought contained an assortment of Nestle’s Fun Size bars—Baby Ruth (#3), Butterfinger (#6), Nestle’s Crunch (#16) and my personal favorite, 100 Grand. (They’re at #29 on the Beast tally, which makes them practically a diet candy bar.) But in doing a random count of the candy in the bag, I discovered that there were less 100 Grand bars than the other three, something I can only attest to rank candy prejudice.

Oh, well. York Peppermint Patties are ranked last, which means they’re the “healthiest” on the list.

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quizshowbob said...

My 'whatchamacall' is number 13. I'm eating it now.

Stacia said...

They used to make boxes of mini 2-bite ice cream bars with Snickers, Twix, Milky Way, and 3 Musketeers flavors. I guess no one was eating the latter 2, because now you can only find boxes of all Snickers or all Twix. Which I still buy, because yum.

I recall hearing that Twix was the worst candy bar before, way back in the 1990s. What's in that thing, anyway?

I'm partial to 100 Grand (formerly the $100,000 Bar), Whatchamacallits (#13), Heath (#23), and Reese's (#33). None are let into the house.

Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. said...

They used to make boxes of mini 2-bite ice cream bars with Snickers, Twix, Milky Way, and 3 Musketeers flavors.

I remember buying a box of the Milky Ways for Mom, because that is her candy bar of choice--and because she likes to put them in the freezer, I thought: "Hey...this way I'll eliminate the middleman."

Her response to combination of Milky Way and ice cream was...well, muted would be an understatement. As for the Snickers ice cream bars--my best friend Duchess' ex-husband and I once ate an entire box of those in one sitting. It's not something we're necessarily proud of...though if we had been presented with a plaque for that solemn occasion it would have changed the complexion some.

Amanda said...

I used to eat a Twix a day in high school. It's a wonder I have any teeth left :) And I just ate some M&Ms (#8). Most of my favorites were in the top 20. I might as well just stick a slab of fat on me and rip out my teeth. Why can't we have fun even once a year?

mndean said...

Wow, mine is #39. Which means I can eat twice as many, I guess.

Stacia said...

Ha! Ivan, you may be interested in this:


It is relevant to your interests.

Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. said...

It is relevant to your interests.

I probably should have put down my glass of water before looking at that. (Oh well--I was thinking about getting a new keyboard anyway.)

Elisson said...

Screw all that mass-market crap. These days, I don't eat all that much confectionery, so when I do, I make it count.

If you have a few simoleons burning a hole in your pocket, I recommend the Vosges Mo's Bacon Bar. At north of $9 the bar, it's not an everyday treat, but think of it - yummy milk chocolate and smoky, salty bacon in every delightful bite!

No, I'm not kidding. I have one tucked away in the pantry, on hand in case the urge for a discreet nibble should strike. And that urge cometh upon me even as I write these words...

Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. said...

yummy milk chocolate and smoky, salty bacon in every delightful bite!

And now I'm wondering if Sam Johnson ever knew about this when he was still with us. :-)

Stacia said...

You could make your own chocolate bacon for a lot less, if you were so inclined. Get a nice peppered bacon, fry until crisp and drain as much of the fat as possible off it. Take some very good semi-sweet or mild dark chocolate and melt it until thin, adding 1 T of butter for shine and thinning down. Dip bacon into chocolate. Put on wax or parchment paper. Sprinkle with almonds if you want (I've never tried that, personally.) Fridge. Devour.