Mayberry Mondays #38: “Millie and the Palm Springs Golf Pro” (12/22/69, prod. no. 0214)

This week’s edition of TDOY’s regular Mayberry Mondays feature brings us a scintilla of good news in that we do not have to put up with the son (Buddy Foster) of Mayberry’s poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones (played by series regular Ken Berry), to whom we affectionately refer here as “Mike the Idiot Boy.”  The character is briefly referenced in the episode, but there’s thankfully no physical sign of him…and also in abstention is fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who we will soon learn is on a fishing trip (a vacation from his vacation, from the looks of things).  As the familiar strains of “The Mayberry March” waft over the soundtrack, we find Sam and his friends—drop-dead-gorgeous bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey), and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson)—whiling away their Palm Springs vacation hours checking out the tchtotskes available at an Indian trading post.

HOWARD: Well, here’s an interesting artifact…

GOOBER: What is that?

HOWARD: It’s wampum…the Indians used this instead of money…

GOOBER: Well, why didn’t they use money?

HOWARD: Because they didn’t have any…I mean, this was their unit of exchange…you know, instead of a dime or a quarter…

GOOBER: Boy, I bet they’d have trouble puttin’ that in the pop machine… (He gives out with his patented braying laugh)

Millie is trying on pairs of earrings and asks Sam for his opinion…and he replies that she looks “just like Pocahontas.”  It would seem that darling Millie is trying to find a gift for Martha (Emmett’s wife, played on occasion by Mary Lansing) on Emmett’s behalf (he must have lost the petrified wood from last week’s episode), who as I mentioned earlier has gone fishing—so Sam suggests she wait until he returns (I was kind of hoping Emmett’d be pulled overboard by a marlin) so that he can decide, and that’s when Howard proposes that everyone make a list of what they plan to take back since they still have a week left of vacation.  With that souvenir democracy out of the way, the four of them then vote “to take a ride on the tram.”

As the quartet piles into a convertible, a man pulls up on a motorcycle and calls out Sam’s name.  Sam is positively gobsmacked to see that it’s his old Army buddy Charlie Harris—played by actor Charles Bateman.  Bateman is probably recognizable to soap opera fans as the thesp who played C.C. Capwell on the cult favorite Santa Barbara, but before that he had semi-regular roles on such TV favorites as Manhunt, Hazel and Cannon.  He starred in a short-lived syndicated western series from 1960 to 1961 entitled Two Faces West…whose gimmick (every TV oater had one) was that he played twins—Marshal Ben January and Dr. Rick January.  Born in Glasgow, Scotland in 1928, Bateman must have either played a lot of golf or just looked like he did…because I saw him plying that same trade in a recent Me-TV rerun of Get Smart, “I Shot 86 Today.”

SAM: Charlie?  Charlie Harris!  You old son of a gun!

CHARLIE: How are ya?

SAM: Fine!  How are you doin’?

CHARLIE: I don’t believe it!

SAM: Well, what are you doin’ out here?

CHARLIE: Oh, I’m a golf pro at one of the clubs…

SAM: Oh my gosh—you’re still with the golf, huh?

CHARLIE: Yeah!

Sam excitedly invites Charlie over to meet his friends…after which, I’ll bet dollars to donuts Charlie will have wished he had just zoomed on by…

SAM: You’ve heard me mention Charlie…we were in the Army together in the Pacific…

CHARLIE: We, uh, fought the Battle of Tahiti together…

GOOBER: Oh, that Charlie! (He laughs and nudges Howard in the ribs)

HOWARD: Ho ho!  Hey…the stories Sam’s told us about you two!  Hoo hoo! (He laughs)

MILLIE (squealing): Oh!  What stories?

SAM: No, no…I can’t tell you…you’re too young and innocent…

And that’s the way we like it!

CHARLIE: Well, Sam—what are you doing out here?  Don’t you still live in Mayberry?

“To the end of his days, Charlie never did understand why Sam put the gun in his own mouth and fired…”

SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…we’re just on vacation…

HOWARD: We got a great house right out by the golf course…five bedrooms!

GOOBER: Belongs to a friend of Aunt Bee’s…didn’t cost us a cent!

HOWARD (exasperated): Do you have to tell everyone that?!!

SAM (to Charlie): Well, tell me about the golf…uh…you’re a big pro now, huh?

CHARLIE: Well, I…I couldn’t get away from it, so I decided to make a living at it…

SAM: Uh-huh…

MILLIE: Oh, it sounds fascinating…

CHARLIE: Oh…do you play golf?

MILLIE: Oh, I always wanted to…but we don’t have a golf course in Mayberry…

The news about the sorry state of recreational facilities in “the Big M” touches Charlie deeply, and he offers to give Millie a lesson or two (bow-chicka-wow-wow) at a nearby driving range…

CHARLIE: I’m always glad to give lessons to a pretty girl…

MILLIE: Sounds like fun!

CHARLIE (indicating Sam): Oh, and…uh…bring what’s-his-name along if you can’t shake him…

SAM (chuckling): Same old Charlie…

Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here…I will not have Charlie squidding on Millie—that’s my racket!  So with the passage of a few hours, Millie and Sam are taking practice swings at the driving range under the supervision of the lascivious Charlie.  Sam, looking at his watch, notices the lateness of the hour and announces they must return to Casa del Selma…

SAM: Oh hey, Mill…we gotta go…

MILLIE: Oh, darn it…and I was just getting the hang of this…oh…can’t I just try a few more?

CHARLIE: Uh…look, ol’ buddy…why don’t you go ahead…and when Millie finishes the bucket…

“…of champagne…”

CHARLIE: …I’ll bring her on home…

SAM: Oh!  Oh, fine…if it’s okay with you, Mill…

MILLIE: Fine!

SAM: Good…but, look—knowing Charlie, make sure you check the gas tank before you leave…and stick to the lighted highways…he wasn’t known as “Tahiti Charlie” for nothing, you know… (Chuckling) I’ll see you later…

You know…there was a time on this blog when I considered Sam to be a fairly intelligent guy despite his propensity for dicking around whenever there was farm work to be done.  I have since changed my opinion of him.  After he’s vamoosed, Charlie decides to instruct Millie further on her backswing…and this is what results…

“Uh…I think I got it now, Charlie,” stammers Millie.  No, you haven’t, girlfriend…but you will in a second.  For as “Tahiti Charlie” walks our heroine to the front door of Selma’s hacienda…

MILLIE (extending her hand for a goodbye “shake”): Well…good night, Charlie…uh…thanks for bringing me home…

CHARLIE: Well…it’s my pleasure, honey…

MILLIE (going toward the front door): Well, I’d better get in…

CHARLIE: Whoa…whoa…what’s your rush?  I…I haven’t told you how beautiful you are tonight…

MILLIE: Oh, Charlie…

He interrupts her by planting one on her lips…just as Goober opens the front door to go out on his nightly idiot walk.  Goob, witness to what’s happened, closes the door quickly just as Millie slaps the sh*t out of her would-be masher.  Furiously, she storms into the house and shutting the door, finds Goober standing behind her: “I didn’t see a thing!” he wails, as the two of them engage in crosstalk:

GOOBER (walking down into the living room): I didn’t see a thing!

MILLIE: You didn’t see a thing?  What are you talking about?

GOOBER: Didn’t see a thing…none of my business…

MILLIE: What is none of your business?

GOOBER: You don’t have to explain a thing to me…

MILLIE: I am not trying to explain anything…I don’t understand…

GOOBER: I didn’t see a thing…except what I saw…

MILLIE (angrily): Well, you saw wrong!

GOOBER: Well, I sure did…shame!  Shame on you!

(Goober sits down in a chair with a magazine)

MILLIE: Oh, Goober…this is ridiculous!  You are being ridiculous!  He just grabbed me!  What was I supposed to do?

GOOBER (getting up): Want me to poke him in the nose?

MILLIE: No!!!  (Goober sits back down) I just want to forget about it…where’s Sam?

GOOBER (getting up again): He’s puttin’ Mike to bed…you want me to get him?

MILLIE (pushing him back down in his chair): No!  I don’t want him to know about it…you know what I mean?  If Sam found out he’d kill him!

GOOBER: Boy, would he! (Smacking his hands together) Pow! Goodbye, Charlie…

MILLIE: Goober…promise me you won’t say anything to Sam…I-I-I don’t want to cause any trouble…

GOOBER (crossing his heart): You can count on me…

HOWARD (entering the room): Hi, Millie…

MILLIE: Hi, Howard…

GOOBER: Hey Howard, wait till you hear what…

MILLIE (sharply): Goober!

GOOBER: Well, he’s not Sam…

No, he’s definitely not Sam…but since I’m curious as to whether Goober can keep his big bazoo shut, let’s bring Sam into this scenario…

SAM: Where’s Charlie?

MILLIE: Oh…well…he had to go…

GOOBER: Yeah…but nothin’ happened…

(Millie whirls around in Goober’s direction with a “Shut your bloody gob!” look on her face)

SAM: Gosh…I wish you would have asked him in…

MILLIE (stammering): Oh…well…it was getting too late…

SAM: Well, I hardly had a chance to talk to him…

HOWARD: Gee, that’s too bad…it isn’t that often that you run into an old pal like that…

GOOBER: Yeah, but nothin’ happened…

MILLIE (trying to change the subject): Goober…how was the movie?

GOOBER: Oh, it was great… (Frowning at her) It was one of them love triangles…

There is a dissolve to what appears to be the following day, as Millie and Goober sit at a table outside that fabulous pool.  Sam eases himself into a lounge chair nearby.

SAM: Oh…boy!  This is the life, huh?  (After a pause) Oh…say, Mill…I didn’t get much chance to talk to Charlie yesterday…whaddya say the three of us have lunch together?

MILLIE (hesitant): Well, y-y-you two go ahead…

SAM: No, no…you come along, too…I know he likes you…

GOOBER (scornfully): I’ll say!

As always, there’s always one moment in this sitcom that makes me laugh out loud.  That was it.  (Beautifully delivered by Lindsey.)

GOOBER: I mean…everybody likes Millie!  Ha ha…

I’ll say!  (Thank you so much.)

MILLIE: Goober…there’s some lemonade in the refrigerator…

“Be a dear and go drown in it…mm-kay?”

MILLIE: …why don’t you get some?

GOOBER: Well, in a minute…I’m trying to make a point… (He gets up from his place at the table and sits down beside Sam) You remember Spike, don’tcha?

SAM: Who?

GOOBER: Spike!  My dog… (Sam nods assent) Had ‘em twelve years…best pal I ever had…then he turned around and bit me…bit the hand that fed ‘em…

(There is a shot of Millie looking forlorn, then a cut back to Sam and Goober)

SAM: What’s that supposed to prove?

GOOBER: That’s all I got to say…

Goober gets up and walks toward the house, leaving a bemused Sam to crack: “I’m sure there’s a message there someplace…”  After telling Millie that he’ll give Charlie a call later to finalize lunch plans, Millie decides that confession is good for the soul…

MILLIE: Sam?  Sam, I-I-I…well, there’s something I want to tell you…

SAM (engrossed in a newspaper): Hmm?

MILLIE: Sam, I-I want to tell you something…

SAM (putting the paper down): Oh…oh, yeah…sure…

MILLIE: Now, I…I want you to relax and…and…be calm…

SAM: Well, I am relaxed!

MILLIE: Well…I-I-I…I think you should hear it from me first…so I want you to promise not to get mad…

SAM: Okay…

MILLIE: …and I don’t want you to do anything rash…

SAM: Okay!  Okay…

MILLIE: Well…l-l-last night when…when Charlie walked me home…he kissed me…

“Stay not mad!” as my BBFF Stacia would say.

SAM: He kissed you?

MILLIE: Sam?  Sam, I don’t want you to hit him…I don’t want any violence…no violence…please…

SAM (laughing): Why should I hit him?  Oh, boy…that’s the same old Charlie…he hasn’t changed a bit!  (Still laughing) He kissed you, huh?  (Laughing some more) Boy, that’s funny!  (Getting up from the table) Excuse me a second…I’ve got to go change the water on the marigolds…

That’s an…interesting euphemism.  (Or it could mean that Sam is more concerned with someone else’s “crops” than his own.)  Millie is positively mortified that her boyfriend is unconcerned his best Army bud is a masher, and after asking him “You mean you’re not going to get violent?” she storms off the patio and into the house.

Back from a General Foods break, Sam is entering the house carrying an empty coffee cup and the newspaper he was perusing earlier, and Millie, not at all happy, is sitting on the couch while Howard stands next to her.  Howard, it would appear, has a rather pressing problem.

HOWARD: Do you have any glue?

SAM: No…I’m afraid not, Howard…

HOWARD: Oh…well, I’ll find some somewhere… (He starts to walk off) Oh, hey…hey…don’t jiggle my rocks, huh?

Another interesting euphemism.

MILLIE: Well…did you get your marigolds taken care of?

SAM: Yeah…why?

MILLIE: Oh…I just wondered…seems to me you walked off right in the middle of a conversation…

SAM: Hey…are you mad about something?

It would appear that Sam is as adept handling the opposite sex as he is running a farm.

MILLIE: Oh, no!  No!  I practically get attacked at the front door and…well…you think it’s funny!

SAM: Attacked?  I thought you said he kissed you…

MILLIE: Well?

SAM: Well what?

Sam…you’re doing it wrong.

MILLIE: Well, he tried to make a pass…doesn’t that mean anything to you?

SAM: Oh, come on, Millie…what do you want me to do—beat up every guy who looks at you?

I know more than a few guys who are in for some ass-whuppings…

MILLIE: Oh, now you’re getting ridiculous!

SAM: Me ridiculous?  What about you?  I know all about Charlie…

MILLIE: Well, if you know all about him then you knew when you left that he was going to try to kiss me…

Well, she does have a point.

SAM: Oh boy…oh boy!  Just ignore the facts and twist everything around so you can win!

MILLIE: Forget it!  Forget I said anything…you are right and I am wrong…but remember one thing, Sam Jones…you don’t own me!!!

“I’m not just one of your many toys.  You don’t own me.  Don’t say I can’t go out with other boys.  And don’t tell me what to do/And don’t tell me what to say…”  Okay, enough of the Lesley Gore tribute.  Millie storms out of the living room and passes a cheerful Howard on the way back to her room.

HOWARD: Found the glue!

MILLIE (not even stopping): Goody goody…

Now…this next sequence is a little disturbing because…well, Millie is venting her spleen to Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier)—who normally would concoct a diabolical scheme to teach clueless Sam a lesson that Millie is the type of woman who should be placed on a pedestal…all the better to look up her…well, you sort of get my point.  But it’s almost as if the change in locale (vacationing in Palm Springs as opposed to her home field advantage of Mayberry) has sapped her powers like a witchly relative of Samantha Stevens’—she is embarrassingly ineffective here.

MILLIE: Sam’s girl…everybody who sees me says “There goes Sam’s girl”…including Sam!  (Aunt Bee starts to speak, but Millie cuts her off) Well, I’m telling you one thing…he is in for a rude awakening…I’ll show him I’m not his private property!

AUNT BEE: Well, what are you going to do?

MILLIE: I don’t know…

AUNT BEE: Well…crying is always good…

MILLIE: I’ll tell you what I ought to do…

AUNT BEE: What?

MILLIE: I ought to go out and get a date!

Yes!  I’m 100% on board with this idea.  (I know the perfect blogger.)

AUNT BEE: Oh, Millie…you wouldn’t!  You’re Sam’s girl…

MILLIE: See!  (Aunt Bee closes her mouth quickly, realizing her faux pas) See!  You’re doing it, too!  The whole world is taking me for granted!

I’d like to take Millie for granted…if you know what I mean…nudge nudge, wink wink, say no moah!

AUNT BEE: But you don’t anybody who would make a proper escort!

MILLIE: I know Charlie…

AUNT BEE (shocked): Oh!  Millie!  A golf pro?  No…

MILLIE: Top drawer!  He’s handsome…witty…intelligent…if I can just stay out of his clutches…

The camera goes in for a close-up of Aunt Bee, doing what she does best…looking sad and concerned while muttering “No…no…”  (I agree with you, girlfriend—that Charlie is a hound.)  So Millie drives out to the driving range to make a date with Charlie…and as she gets out of the car, it’s like she’s having second thoughts…but she steels her courage and is determined to go through with it.  (By the way, I’m pretty sure there is where that expression “pretty in pink” originated.)

MILLIE: Hi!

CHARLIE: Hi…what are you doing out here?

MILLIE: Oh!  Oh, I was just driving by and…uh…uh…I mean…uh…well, does a…does a girl have to have a reason for…dropping by?

CHARLIE: No!  No…uh…it’s just that…well, after last night, I didn’t expect to see you again…

MILLIE: Oh, well…it’s…it’s just that you surprised me, that’s all…I mean, uh…you shouldn’t have scurried so easily…

“Like the cockroach we know you to be…”

CHARLIE: Oh…uh…well, Millie…

MILLIE: I mean…I…didn’t know you very well…

CHARLIE: Yes…well…but…

MILLIE: Uh…Charlie…why…why don’t you come and sit down with me?  (Charlie follows her to a nearby bench) Uh…uh…t-t-tell me about the…uh…nightlife in Palm Springs… (Giggling) I haven’t seen much yet…

CHARLIE: Oh, it’s…it’s great…

MILLIE: Hmm…oh, I just love the music and dancing…

CHARLIE: Millie…

MILLIE: Yes?

CHARLIE: I’d just…love to take you out…

MILLIE: Wonderful…

CHARLIE: But I can’t…

Buh-what now???

CHARLIE: …you’re Sam’s girl…

MILLIE: But…why…?

CHARLIE: No, y-y-you’re Sam’s girl, and…he’s my buddy…uh…well, I was wrong last night, and I want to apologize…

MILLIE: Oh, but I…

CHARLIE: …I’m not going to move in on my old pal’s property…

MILLIE: But I’m not his property!

CHARLIE: Sam’s one of the most wonderful guys you’ll ever meet…

Oh, he’s really not all that great…trust me.

MILLIE: Well…yes, but…

CHARLIE: …honest…loyal…he’d give you the shirt off his back…

“And the buttons, too…”

MILLIE: But…but…

CHARLIE: …in fact…you ought to be ashamed of yourself, coming over here and trying to make a date with a guy like me!

Well, you can’t deduct points from him for honesty.  An infuriated Millie gets up from the bench, and all she can do is sputter and finally shout “Men!”

The scene dissolves to a shot of Millie lying on her bed.  It’s another disturbing sequence, because she doesn’t say anything for most of this…instead the voices in her head keep up a running monologue…something that would concern me if the two of us were to go later for a foot-long at Sonic.

Property of Sam Jones…boy, he really takes you for granted…it’s just like you were a puppy dog…the master whistles (whistling) and you’re supposed to come running…oh boy, would I like to shake him up!  Go out on a big date…dining and dancing without him…

The problem is—and here’s where you’re required to make a major suspension of disbelief—Millie is apparently so repulsive that she is unable to get a date.  But then a sudden thought crowds out the chorus in her head…supposing she gets a wacky sitcom inspiration and only pretends to have a date?!!  Later, dressed to the nines, Millie enters the living room where Howard, Sam and Goober are seated, pining for a simpler time when all they had to do was waste precious hours at Emmett’s fix-it shop.

MILLIE: Has anybody seen my pearl earring?  (She looks in her purse) Oh!  Here it is!

HOWARD: My—don’t you look pretty!

MILLIE: Thank you!

GOOBER: Where are you goin’, all dressed up?

MILLIE: Oh…just out…

SAM: You are?

MILLIE: Oh, Sam…Sam, I’ll need a key…I’m going to be out a little late, and I don’t want anyone to wait up for me…

SAM (momentarily taken aback): Oh…yeah… (He reaches into his pocket) Sure…

Great going, Millie!  Subtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead.  Accepting the key, she starts to hum a merry tune and saying her goodbyes, exits the house.  A concerned Goober then solemnly tells Sam: “I gotta say this, Sam…she may have fooled you, but she didn’t fool me…she’s got a date!”  Sam, upping his inner macho, pretends not to give a flying frog’s ass: “So what?”

Yes, this is the scene of Millie’s “date.”  (Archie, Jughead and the rest of the gang should be by any minute now.)  A waitress asks Millie what she’ll have and Millie responds (without any irony whatsoever) that she’d “like to try a date malt.”

VI: Pretty dress…

MILLIE: Thanks…

VI: Got a heavy date, huh?

MILLIE: No…no…just killing time…

VI: Oh…been stood up, huh?

MILLIE (shaking her head): No…no, no…

VI: Look, honey…talk about it if it will help…we hear it all in here…

The actress playing the world-weary malt shop waitress who answers to “Vi” is Patty Regan, a veteran character thesp who appeared in many movies (How Sweet it Is!, Cross My Heart) and TV shows like Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., My World and Welcome to It and the Dick Van Dyke and Andy Griffith shows.  What was so amusing to me, however, is that there is a certain amount of “verisimilitube” (or what my pal Toby calls “serendipiteevee”) in that Regan played Daphne Parmenter in an episode (“Miss Parmenter”) of F-Troop…and her brother, Wilton, was played by Ken Berry on that classic sitcom.

The scene shifts back to the hacienda.  Howard is mesmerized, working on his rock collection (did he actually carry that damn thing on the plane with him?) and Goober and Sam are engaged in a game of checkers.  Add Emmett and some broken appliances and it’d be just like back in Mayberry!

GOOBER: I wonder…what you-know-who is doin’ about now…

HOWARD: Goober…

SAM: Look, guys…it doesn’t bother me…it’s your move, Goob…

GOOBER (as he slides a checker): I don’t know how you can concentrate on playin’ when you’re thinkin’ about Millie…

SAM: I am not thinking about Millie…

Sam makes his move, and that allows Goober to jump three of Sam’s checkers.  So he’s either thinking about Millie or he’s letting himself be beat by a moron.  Back at the malt shop, the clock reads 9:15.  (Oh, the lateness of the hour!)  Millie demolishes the rest of her malt with a straw, making that “hit bottom” sound that drives my Mom literally up a wall.  (I’m not joking, by the way—it’s “nails on a chalkboard” to her.)

MILLIE: Then he tells me I’m ridiculous…Vi, have you ever been taken for granted?

VI: Honey, I’ve been taken for everything…

That Vi.  She’s seen and heard it all.

VI: You want another malt?

MILLIE: Why not?  (She hands Vi her glass) Make it strawberry this time… (After a pause) You know what I’m going to do?  I’m going to wait till midnight…and then I’m gonna muss my hair—just a little…and then I’m going to swirl into the front door, all misty-eyed and gay…

You run into the front door like that, and you will be misty-eyed…and probably unconscious.

MILLIE (laughs): …like I just got back from the greatest evening in the whole world…Sam will be so jealous…

VI: Not if he smells strawberry malt on your breath…

MILLIE (shrugging her shoulders): I’ll chew some gum…

And we’re back at Selma’s.  Sam, staring at a weather report, can barely hide the fact that Millie’s out for the evening is tearing him up.  He nervously paces around the living room but is interrupted by the arrival of Howard in his confirmed bachelor bathrobe.

HOWARD: Sam…Goober and I are making some hot chocolate…you want some?

SAM: Well…no…actually…I-I was thinking about taking a walk…uh…very pretty out in the desert this time of night…

HOWARD (smiling): Yeah…sure is…

SAM: I’ll…uh…I’ll see you later…

HOWARD: Right…

Sam heads out the front door as Howard watches…and then Goober emerges from the kitchen with a cup of cocoa.

GOOBER: Did he want some?

HOWARD: No…he went to look for Millie…

GOOBER: Well, it took him long enough…

Millicent, Millicent, Millicent…I hope you’re not planning on driving home after that malted binge of yours…

VI: You haven’t tried the cocoanut yet…

MILLIE (putting up a hand): No, thanks…four malts is enough… (She glances over at a couple sharing milkshakes and kisses at another table) Oh…this is dumb!  Wha…what am I doing here, besides getting fat?

Just that much more of you to love, my little dollop of whipped cream…

MILLIE: This was supposed to be such a great plan…and now I don’t know…

VI: What about your grand entrance?

MILLIE (picking up her purse): Oh, Sam will probably be asleep anyway… (She hands Vi a large wad of bills) Here…keep the change…thanks for listening… (She heads toward the door)

VI: Good luck, honey!

The scene then shifts to an area in downtown Palm Springs.  Raucous music can be heard emanating from one establishment as Sam walks along…he heads momentarily in the direction of the music, and then decides against it.  He then spots Millie lollygagging down the way, by herself, and meeting up with her they engage in small talk so banal it really isn’t worth the effort transcribing.  The gist of it all is…Millie finally comes clean that she was just doing a mindf**k on Sam.

MILLIE: I-I-I didn’t have a date, Sam…

“Though I did have a date…malt!”

SAM: You didn’t?

MILLIE: No…it was just a dumb female plot…

Don’t run yourself down, darlin’…it would have worked, provided you had found the intestinal fortitude to pick up the first stranger you met and bestowed upon him a wild night in the sack.

MILLIE: Do you hate me?

I could never hate you, Millie.  But I dislike Sam intensely.  (What a wanker.).

SAM: Hate you?  No…no…but I’ll tell you one thing…I was sure jealous…

MILLIE (with delight): Oh…really?

SAM: Oh, boy was I jealous!

MILLIE: Oh, Sam…

(The two of them embrace and kiss)

SAM: Listen…it’s still a little early…let’s go celebrate, huh?

MILLIE: Oh, I’d love to!

SAM: There’s a little malt shop right down the street…let’s go have a big, thick malt—huh?

MILLIE (turning green): Great…

Oh, I know what you’re all thinking…a happy ending.  But that means Millie will continue to spend the rest of her days with Sam.  (Now how happy are you?)

This weak episode has an even weaker coda: Sam and Millie are back on the driving range, practicing their golf…and Millie is giving Sam a few pointers on how to improve his game, prompting him to crack: “Oh, that’s right…you know the golf pro personally, don’t you?”  I’d like to be able to say that Millie then splits his skull in two with the driver, making this the best R.F.D. episode ever…but you should live so long.  Instead, she expresses a concern for ol’ Charlie though Sam tells her not to worry—in the distance, they watch him instruct another unsuspecting female in the art of the golf swing, and Sam observes lamely: “He bounces back real fast.”

At the always reliable IMDb, Buddy Foster is credited with appearing in this time-waster, but since his name doesn’t appear in the closing credits I’m guessing they made one of their rare errors (he said sarcastically)…I’m not even going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s possible he was in some excised footage that was syndication-mandated.  (It really doesn’t even matter in the long run—anytime that little cretin has taken a powder is good news for me.)  But despite her all-too-brief scene, Aunt Bee is in this one…and so by tabulating Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ that makes six appearances for Season Two, and a grand total of eighteen show-ups for the entire series so far.  But I have dreadful news to report: she won’t be around for next week’s installment (and neither will Millie…damn it!) which I actually considered holding off doing until the Wednesday after next because of its B-Western connections…but then I decided I couldn’t do that to the TDOY faithful.  So join me next Monday for “Palm Springs Cowboy”…featuring a special guest star (and I do mean special!)…