This week’s installment of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s popular Mayberry Mondays feature
promises to be a good one. For starters,
despite his inclusion in the “The Mayberry Road” credits at the IMDb (he’s also
mentioned in the opening credits of my copy), village idiot Goober Pyle (George
Lindsey) has the week off…so those of you not particularly enamored of Mr. Pyle
can rejoice. (I know I said last week that
the whole gang shows up for this one…but I was misinformed. It is possible that Goober appeared in
footage that was snipped for syndication, but I just don’t see where he would
fit in the overall scheme of the episode, so I remain a skeptic on that
score.) Secondly, for those of you who
may have followed the exchange of ideas between myself, BBFF Stacia and TDOY commenter Chris Vosburg in the
comments section of “Goober’s Brother,” there is more than meets the eye in
these Mayberry R.F.D. repeats; they are highly-charged political
treatises with captivating sociological ramifications as well. (I have no idea what this means, by the
way—but it must mean something, since I used big words.)
“The Mayberry Road ”
opens on a road in Mayberry—but is not the interchange of the title. Plans are being made for a cutoff that will
connect Mayberry’s Elm Street
to the highway leading to Mt. Pilot ,
shortening the lengthy drive to the superior town by 3-4 miles. We learn of this as poor-but-honest dirt
farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) explains the situation to his diabolically evil
housekeeper, Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier), and his idiot son
Mike (Buddy Foster), after making a stop along the thoroughfare so that nature
child Bee can drink in the beauty.
AUNT BEE: Mmm…you know, we take so
many things in life for granted—like
Grover’s Woods here—without really
stopping to appreciate them…
MIKE: You mean the trees…
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm… (Inhaling) Smell
that woodsy smell…that’s the most wonderful
smell in the world…
MIKE (after taking a sniff): They
just smell like trees…
Never a colony of bullet ants around when you need one.
SAM: Well, you’d better appreciate
this while you can…you know, this is where the county is putting in that new
cutoff…
And that’s when Sam drops the bombshell about the new
road…which leaves Aunt Bee in her usual state of looking sad and concerned.
AUNT BEE: You mean they’re going to
cut down these beautiful trees?
SAM: Well, yeah…at least enough for
the road…probably take a strip about forty or fifty feet wide…
AUNT BEE: Oh, dear…
MIKE: Aunt Bee?
AUNT BEE: Hmm?
MIKE: When you’re through
smelling…do you think we could go home?
Bee…the kid has no breadcrumbs with him. It would be that damn easy. Aunt Bee is inconsolable about the trees,
despite Sam’s insistence that “I guess the county feels a new road is more
important.”
“Well, I don’t see why,” she replies with finality…and with
that—an environmentalist is born.
With a scene change, we find Aunt Bee addressing the members
of Mayberry’s Garden Club, a radical environmentalist group who…nah, I’m just
making that up. They’re a bunch of old
biddies who like flowers and sh*t.
AUNT BEE: So I’ve called you here
to see if you feel the same way I do…about the state cutting that road through
Grover’s Woods…now I’m giving you the facts—who’s with me? In trying to halt this latest step…in the desecration of our woodland areas?
One woman who is not with Aunt Bee (at first, anyway) is
this character played by veteran character thesp Maudie Prickett…whose best-known
television showcase is probably that of Rosie Hammaker, the best friend of
“domestic engineer” Hazel Burke (Shirley Booth) on the long-running sitcom Hazel. Prickett had a lengthy, often uncredited film
career (among the movies you can spot her in are Colorado Territory, Harvey
and Monkey Business) but her TV
resume was much more extensive, with recurring roles on such series as the
early Betty White sitcom Date with the Angels and The
Jack Benny Show (she played his tart-tongued secretary, Miss
Gordon). Prickett’s four stints as Edna
Larch on The Andy Griffith Show and her previous appearance on R.F.D.
as Lydia
in the episode “The Church Bell” will no doubt confuse a few people (like me)
but Toby O’Brien has asked me not to stare, so I won’t. (I do want to say, though…I like that hat.)
MYRTLE: Now, Bee…I love nature just as much as you do…but
this new road might be worth it…actually,
it’s only a mile long…it wouldn’t
involve that many trees!
ELSIE: That’s right! It isn’t exactly the Sequoia National Park …
The woman who has summoned up the intestinal fortitude to
speak out against Aunt Bee’s defiance of the powers-that-be is played by Mary
Lou Taylor, whose TV appearances include guest shots on Gunsmoke, The
Invaders, The Andy Griffith Show and My World and Welcome to It. Her scant entertainment resume might have
been the result of the bitch-slapping she’s about to get from Aunt Bee.
AUNT BEE: Elsie…Myrtle…I know this
is not an official meeting…
“So I’m going to dispense with this ‘sergeant-at-arms’
nonsense and just get medieval on your asses…”
AUNT BEE: …so I’d like to sum this
up…to me, Grover’s Woods has always been Mayberry
Sequoia National Park…a place of beauty…and peace…and those trees are a symbol
of this quiet little town’s stand against crass
commercialism!
Day-amm, Aunt Bee! The
seeds of Occupy Mayberry have been sown!
(I wonder if she’ll feel the same way when she’s late for an appointment
in Mt. Pilot
and is sad and concerned about how the fershlugginer highway is inadequate for
Mayberry’s burgeoning transportation needs.)
MYRTLE: But…if the county has made
their plans…how are we going to fight
it?
AUNT BEE: By sending a responsible member from our City
Council…
Funniest. Line. Ever.
AUNT BEE: …directly to the County Commissioner of Highways in Mt. Pilot …
MYRTLE: How about Lawyer Hobbs ?
This one made me stifle a giggle, too—because I’ve noticed
(particularly in B-westerns) that characters always refer to a person’s
occupation as though it was their first name.
We have a situation sort of like this in my neck of the woods; the local
Atlanta TV station runs a barrage of ads for a lawyer referred to as “Attorney
Skip Wilson”—so much so that my father and I are convinced “Skip” is his middle name.
MYRTLE: He’s the one who kept that New York firm from building the bowling alley next to the Methodist church…
Two items that need to be addressed here: first, once again
we observe that the makeup of Mayberry’s city council changes at the whim of
the writers in practically every episode; let’s face it—the only councilman we ever
actually saw elected to office was Sam, and that took place on The
Andy Griffith Show. (For reasons
that are unknown to me, R.F.D.’s writing staff never
attempted an episode showing any member of the council running for re-election,
which leads me to believe this outfit was run a lot like the Politburo.) But since we said goodbye to token black
resident Ralph Barton (Charles Lampkin) in last week’s episode, perhaps this Hobbs
guy filled Ralph’s seat in a special election.
Oh, and the other thing…”The Mayberry Road” welcomes back
Mayberry’s resident bluenose Clara Edwards (Hope Summers), whom we have not
seen since “The Church Play.” (Clara
will turn up in a later episode, “The Mayberry Float,” which is one of my
particular favorites mostly because of some first-rate slapstick hi-jinks…that,
granted, will be a little difficult to describe here.) On The Andy Griffith Show, Clara was
Aunt Bee’s best bud and confidant but their friendship must have cooled by the
time R.F.D.
hit the airwaves because of the five installments in which the Clara character
appears, this is the only one that has both her and Aunt Bee in the same episode.
CLARA: Oh, I’m not so sure about
Mr. Hobbs, Myrtle…after all, because a man is anti-bowling does not automatically make him pro-forest…
AUNT BEE: Ladies—I have given this
considerable thought…and I think the man to carry out battle or protest to the
county seat…is the head of the
council, Sam Jones…
Elsie then timidly asks if such a request might not
interfere with Sam’s work on the farm…prompting the rest of the club to laugh
hysterically, and then break out the elderberry wine or whatever those women do
after the meeting is adjourned.
No…I made that part up…but Aunt Bee does get a lovely round
of applause, and the scene shifts to our budding eco-activist strolling down
Mayberry’s thoroughfare, stopping to chat with fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul
Hartman)—who is washing down the windows of his establishment in a rare burst
of activity—after he greets her by name.
AUNT BEE: Emmett, is Sam in his
office?
EMMETT: Yeah, I think so…something
important?
AUNT BEE: Yes!
Aunt Bee continues on in the direction of the council
office…and since this is Mayberry, Emmett drops what he’s doing to follow
her. Bee then greets pedantic county
clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) without breaking stride, and when Emmett
catches up to Howard he tells him that “she wants to speak to Sam about
something important.”
HOWARD: Like what?
EMMETT: I don’t know…come on!
Sam is engrossed in the act of putting a new ribbon on the
office typewriter when Aunt Bee enters, followed by Frick and Frack.
AUNT BEE: Sam…the ladies of the
Garden Club Action Committee have unanimously chosen you to spearhead our fight
against the Mayberry cutoff…
SAM (looking up): What?
AUNT BEE: …now we feel that by
saving those trees in Grover’s Woods, Mayberry will be contributing to saving
our world of natural beauty…
EMMETT: But can’t you ladies of the
Garden Club save the world just as well foolin’ around with your roses and
snapdragons and stuff?
I’d like to be able to say that Aunt Bee plants her high heel
in a sweet spot covered by Emmett’s fix-it apron, condemning him to a career of
singing mezzo soprano in the church
choir. But as usual, we aren’t that
lucky.
AUNT BEE: That, Emmett Clark, is the kind of thinking that leads to ecological suicide…
“You chauvinist porker…”
Emmett looks up at Howard to get a translation and is told, “She’s
referring to the balance of nature…”
“Provided the next guy isn’t Emmett…”
SAM: …but it seems to me that this
new road is just a normal step in the progress of the community…
AUNT BEE: Sam…don’t you read?
Don’t you know there’s a battle raging
on behalf of conservation? Saving our
natural resources!
HOWARD: Yeah, and it’s not just the
forests and the trees…but it’s the animals and everything…as a matter of fact,
I was just reading the other day where they’re trying to raise funds to
preserve the African lion from extinction!
EMMETT: Well, what would they want
to save lions for? Tear you apart, those cats!
This is why I dismiss any evidence that Goober was in this
episode. Emmett is doing enough of the
heavy lifting in the idiocy department.
AUNT BEE: Sam, I’m waiting for your
answer…
SAM: Oh, Aunt Bee…I’m sure they
took everything into consideration before they decided to put that road through
there…
AUNT BEE: Oh, you mean you won’t
take our case to the Highway Commissioner…
“No, I mean I’ve been bought
off…and at quite the substantial sum.
Let’s face it, the money to run that fake farm of mine has to come from somewhere!” Okay, I elaborated a teensy bit on Sam’s
answer—he tells Aunt Bee he couldn’t do it in good conscience…which is not the
sort of thing I would tell the person responsible for cooking my meals and who
knows my home could burn with the ferocity of Hellfire if some gasoline-soaked
rags were carefully placed in the cellar right next to that open gas heater.
“Well, I wouldn’t want you to go against your
principles…such as they are,” she responds, verbally kneeing him in the
balls. She flounces out of the office,
announcing that she and her club will find someone else to plead their
case—“somebody less cold-blooded…”
HOWARD: Sam…you’ve just been raked
over the coals…
Raked nothing…she gutted
him like a freakin’ sturgeon.
SAM: I guess…ah…Howard, the whole
thing doesn’t make any sense to
me! Those…those county people are our
elected officials!
“They would never even consider doing something that would
do little more than line their graft-soaked pockets!”
HOWARD: Well, I don’t know…I think
the girls may have a point—there are two sides to the question…
SAM: Well…
HOWARD: Both of them legitimate,
too…there’s no doubt about that…conservation versus progress…hmm…well, I gotta
get back to the office…
And to think I was worried Howard wasn’t going to get to say
something funny in this episode. Before
he leaves, he asks Sam if he’s “asked Millie about tonight”—apparently Howard
wants Sam and bakery goddess Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka) to double-date at
the movies with him and an unnamed conquest.
Sam realizes he’s forgotten, so he decides to walk down to Boysinger’s
before it slips his mind. And guess
who’s been giving Millie an earful at the bakery?
AUNT BEE: …and then he said
straight out: “Some trees have to be cut down…”
Wasn’t as if we were talking about the price of eggs…we were talking
about living, breathing trees…
MILLIE: I’m certainly surprised at
Sam…I really am…
AUNT BEE: And then he says
something about progress…he seems perfectly willing to stand by and see forty
feet of trees cut through Grover’s Woods…
Well, I hope he’s got sense enough to get out of the way
when he hears someone yell “Timber!”
AUNT BEE: In the interest of
speed…that’s all it is—it’s just a shortcut…
MILLIE: He’s always been so warm
and sensitive…I…I just don’t understand!
Aunt Bee went into the bakery for half-a-dozen something or
the other (they don’t specify what she asked for)…but from the looks of that
bag, she asked for six sheet cakes…Aunt Bee is paying for her wares when Sam
enters the bakery.
SAM: Hey, Millie…oh…hi, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE (coldly): Hello, Sam… (She
then exits the bakery)
Word of advice, Samuel…let the kid taste dinner first.
SAM: Uh…Millie…Howard wants to know
if you and I will go to the movies with…
MILLIE (angrily, with her arms
folded): Why do you hate trees?
SAM: Oh…you’ve been talking to Aunt
Bee, too…look…
MILLIE: Some people don’t like frogs…some people don’t like beetles…
I don’t like spiders and snakes. And that ain’t what it takes to love me…you
fool, you fool.
MILLIE: …but to find a person…who
has no regard for trees…is very rare…very
rare indeed…
SAM: Uh…did Aunt Bee also mention
that there is a little matter of progress
and development to be considered
here?
MILLIE: I am not interested…
SAM: Oh, you’re not interested! Oh, that is a typical woman for you…
Warning!
Warning! Danger, Samuel
Jones! Seriously, dude…you need to get
that kid of yours out of the house—I think his stupidity is contagious…
SAM: You only want to hear one side
of it!
MILLIE: There is only one side…a
tree is a very beautiful thing…
Wow, Millie…that’s…just…wow…can I have another one of those
“special” brownies?
SAM (angrily): Do you want to go to
the movies tonight?
MILLIE: I’ll let you know…
SAM: When?
MILLIE: When I feel like it…
SAM: When will you feel like it?
MILLIE: When I do…
See, I have been saying all along that Aunt Bee is an evil
force to be reckoned with, despite the occasional stray e-mail that says “Stop
picking on that poor lady.” We then
dissolve to a scene where Sam is supervising young Mike in the trimming of hedges. I’m convinced that Sam may finally be taking
my advice on the extermination of the little mook, because giving him sharp,
pointy objects is just asking for trouble.
SAM: Fine…fine…
AUNT BEE (walking over to where the
two of them are working): What is that you’re doing, Michael?
MIKE: Pa let me try the clippers!
SAM: Yeah—he’s a big help!
AUNT BEE: Oh…your father is indoctrinating you at a tender age, I
must say…
“Gloriously, Comrade Beatrice, gloriously!”
MIKE: Huh?
AUNT BEE: In the art of destroying nature…first it’s the bushes,
then the hedges…finally full-grown trees…
MIKE: Am I doing something wrong,
Pa?
“It’s okay, son…Millie had these brownies down at the
bakery, and…”
SAM: No, you’re not doing anything wrong, Mike…we have to trim these hedges back or we wouldn’t be able to use the driveway…
AUNT BEE: It depends on your point
of view, Michael…some very unfeeling people lay waste to the land in the name
of progress…
SAM: Aunt Bee!
AUNT BEE: You’ll learn that when
you study history and men like…uh…Attila
the Hun…
SAM: Oh, come on now!
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s true…
Pure dagnasty evil.
SAM: Aunt Bee…I just don’t happen
to feel that that road through Grover’s Woods is that big a deal!
“Now…the right-of-way through Big Bird’s Meadow is another
matter entirely…”
AUNT BEE: Very well, Sam—but you
don’t need to defend your fanatical
beliefs by shouting…
SAM (shouting): I am not… (His voice lowers) Oh,
okay…okay…you win…in spite of my…fanatical
beliefs, and my…hatred of nature…I’ll
do it…
AUNT BEE: Do what, Sam?
SAM: I’ll take your protest to the
Highway Commissioner…on behalf of you and the ladies of the Garden Club…
AUNT BEE: Oh, that’s very
considerate of you, Sam…I’m sure the ladies will appreciate it…
SAM: Hmm…
AUNT BEE: …but I can’t think what
made you change your mind…
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe it was because of your steadfast
refusal to get off my freakin’ back?!!!”
Aunt Bee, turning to go back into the house, tells Sam that they’ll set
up an appointment with the Commissioner…”And, of course…we’ll brief you
beforehand on the exact stand we’ll take.”
“Good,” answers Sam, as his son reaches for a paper bag to
place over head, fearing the shame that will soon greet him on the streets of
Mayberry. Hey, let’s hear from our
sponsor!
Back from the General Foods break, we’re treated to a Mayberry
R.F.D. anomaly: a somewhat amusing scene between Emmett and Howard in
the fix-it shop, where the Grand Exalted Repair Wizard himself has just
finished work on an alarm clock belonging to Mistah Sprague:
EMMETT (brandishing the clock):
Here you are…good as new…sorry it took so long to get to it…
“Well, I realize how frightfully
busy you are, resting your ass on city benches and all…”
HOWARD: Oh, that’s all right…just
as long as it’s fixed…
EMMETT: Yeah…now…uh…what time do
you get up in the mornin’?
HOWARD: Seven, usually…
“I make it a point to rise bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in
order to be on time for my soul-crushing job in city government…”
EMMETT: Well, let’s check ‘er out
now… (He fiddles with the hands of the clock) There you are…seven…just plug ‘er
in…now…turn the hands around to seven…here you go…six o’clock in the mornin’, now here we come right up to…uh…there you
go, seven… (The alarm does not ring) Seven…seven… (The alarm still doesn’t
ring) Seven…uh…seven… (Emmett then turns the hands to eight o’clock , and the alarm goes off) Wouldn’t like to stay in bed an extra hour, would ya?
I love Dodson’s Oliver Hardy-like facial expression
here. Every episode…one laugh-out-loud
moment.
HOWARD: No I wouldn’t…
EMMETT: Well, there’s no problem…if
you want to get up for seven, just set it for six!
HOWARD: Boy, some fine fix-it man…
EMMETT: Howard, there are some
things that are just beyond
science…take it or leave it…
Millie enters the fix-it shop with a smile and a greeting…
MILLIE: Did you hear the news?
HOWARD: What’s that?
MILLIE: That Sam has agreed to talk
to the Highway Commissioner for the Garden Club!
HOWARD: Oh, he did, huh…?
EMMETT: I don’t get him at all…one
day he says one thing, the next day he changes his mind…
Yeah…I mean, it’s not like the guy’s a politician or anything…
MILLIE: No! He didn’t
change his mind, Emmett…he told me that even if he disagrees with the club, the
protest should be heard…so…he’ll make the presentation…
HOWARD: Hmm…hey, you know—I’m not
so sure those women are wrong,
either…
MILLIE: Well…wrong or right, at
least he’s seeing that the women get a fair hearing… (To Emmett) Is my toaster
ready?
HOWARD (scoffing in disgust): Good luck…
Howard exits the fix-it shop, and Millie turns back to
Emmett with a quizzical look. “You just
can’t satisfy some customers,” he philosophizes on the shoddy quality of his
work.
The scene then shifts to the office of the Highway
Commissioner, who I will introduce to you via a later close-up…
…it’s character great Ned Wertimer, who’ll you no doubt
recognize as the actor who played doorman Ralph Hart on the 1975-84 sitcom The
Jeffersons. (It’s interesting to
note that in playing the Commissioner known as “Osborne,” Wertimer’s demeanor
is not unlike that of his Jeffersons character--schmoozing
Sam, Aunt Bee and Clara so much it’s like he’s expecting a gratuity.) Wertimer also guest-starred on many TV shows
(including McMillan & Wife and Mary Tyler Moore), and appeared in
such films as The Impossible Years, Bad Company and Mame.
OSBORNE: I can’t tell you how much
I’ve been looking forward to our little visit…hold my calls, will you,
Wickes? I want to give these good folks
my undivided attention…
He’s either angling for a tip or re-election…I can’t decide
which.
OSBORNE: Now then…who’s going to do
the talking? You, Mr. Jones or…one of
these charming ladies…
AUNT BEE: Mr. Jones is going to be
our spokesman…
Sam goes through a spiel that was obviously rehearsed
beforehand, and it’s actually kind of funny because you sort of expect him to
say “The End” when he’s finished.
SAM: Uh…Mr. Commissioner…I am here
on behalf of the ladies of the Mayberry Garden Club…who wish to voice a protest
against the construction of the new Mayberry Road…w-with the resultant loss…of
so many…beautiful, majestic trees in Grover’s Woods…to say nothing of the flora
and fauna…
OSBORNE: Yes…well…I can understand
your concern…
SAM: Uh…although there are a
limited number of trees involved…the ladies feel that these trees represent…all
of the trees in all of the great wilderness areas in our beloved country…and
would like to preserve these trees…in…uh…
CLARA (sotto voce): In all their
grandeur…
SAM: …in all their grandeur…as living and breathing symbols
of Mayberry’s dedication…to the principle of conservation…
Yes, that’s a very pretty speech and all, Samuel…but Osborne
is a pragmatic, officious sort, and he pulls down a wall map to demonstrate to
the meddlesome busy bodies in his office that in cutting down the trees it will
shave 3 miles off the driving time…
AUNT BEE (sotto voce to Sam): Tell
him about the squirrels…
SAM: What?
AUNT BEE: The squirrels…
CLARA: Mr. Osborne…do you know the
squirrel count of Grover’s Woods?
OSBORNE: No, I don’t…offhand…
CLARA: Well, our nature group has
estimated that the squirrel population is at least fifty per acre!
AUNT BEE: And they all live in
those beautiful trees you propose to chop
down…
CLARA: With hundreds of wood finch
as their neighbors!
OSBORNE: Ladies…ladies, I
appreciate your coming here today…but…I would be shirking my responsibility to
the good citizens of this county if the road did not go through as planned…
AUNT BEE: But, Mr. Osborne…it
doesn’t have to go through there…
OSBORNE: I’m sorry… (His voice gets
louder) I’m sorry!
AUNT BEE (pleading): It doesn’t
have to go through…
OSBORNE (practically yelling to
drown out Aunt Bee): I’m sorry! But Operation Shortcut must proceed on the
eighth of the month as planned!
Aunt Bee and Clara, pissed at being dismissed as a couple of
letter-to-the-editor-writing cranks, leave Osborne’s office in contempt and
frustration. Sam soon follows them out,
after a funny “Well, that went well”
reaction to Osborne.
You probably think that this is the end of the episode,
which has imparted the timeworn philosophy that “You can’t fight City
Hall.” Well, this is different (it’s
more like County Hall, for starters)…and though it would be so easy if Clara
were just to wave a hand and transform Osborne into a common garden slug, Aunt
Bee has decided to mobilize without black magic:
AUNT BEE (on the telephone): I knew
that you’d feel the same way that Clara and I do, Elsie…so we’re going to call
the girls together and have an emergency meeting…and this must be a secret…
Oh…looks like I was mistaken…they’re bringing in the entire
coven on this one.
AUNT BEE: Because this is war!
Then it's war!
Then it's war!
Gather the forces!
Harness the horses!
Then it's war!
Mayberry's going to
war
Each gal will grab a
gun
And run away to war.
At last we're going to
(Feet will beat along Elm Street to war)
We're going to war
Mayberry's going to
war
Mayberry 's going to
war
Mayberry 's going to
war
This is a fact we can't ignore…they're going to war…hi-de,
hi-de hi-de, hi-de ho. There is then a
quick cut to a bulldozer, which is being shouted at by a foreman played by
former-boxer-turned-thespian Hal Baylor.
(Baylor is the pugilist who goes up against Robert Ryan’s Stoker
Thompson in the noir classic The Set-Up.) Emmett’s car can be seen pulling up in the
space where the bulldozer was, and Osborne confers with the foreman (who
answers to “Frank”) on the clear-cutting progress. Humorously, the men suddenly realize they’ve
been joined by Emmett.
FRANK (pointing off into the
distance): Right here, Mr. Osborne…
OSBORNE: Yes, that will work out
fine…
EMMETT: I don’t see any draining snakes…
OSBORNE: Huh?
EMMETT (laughing): I’m Emmett Clark
from Mayberry…always interested in these kinds of engineering problems…
OSBORNE: You are…?
EMMETT: Yeah! Heh…you see, I’m in a related field…Emmett’s Fix-It Shop…
Now…this doesn’t sound as silly as it might on a first
reading. Construction workers often
spend large amounts of time standing around trying to look busy—how is that
different from anything Emmett does in the course of an eight-hour
workday? Oh, this guy standing next to
Osborne…
…was addressed previously as “Wickes,” but he’s played by
actor Raymond Kark. It was bugging the
hell out of me trying to figure out where I knew him from when it suddenly
dawned on me he’s “Homer Watson,” the long arm of law enforcement in Eagle
Rock, Iowa—the town that tries to quit smoking for thirty days in one of my
all-time favorite film comedies, Cold
Turkey.
Where was I? Oh,
right…Emmett is pestering the work crew.
Then Sam, Millie and Mike pull up in Sam’s car, with Millie getting
Emmett’s attention by yelling his name a few dozen times.
EMMETT: Uh, this is the day they
start the new road…I thought I’d drop out here this morning and sort of keep my
eye on the big equipment…
Oh, sure…he could have
spent productive time fixing Howard’s alarm clock…but a man must set
priorities.
SAM: Oh…well, we were on our way to
Mt. Pilot to do some shopping…I forgot they were starting today…
EMMETT: Oh, they’ll start clearing
the trees any minute now…
MIKE: Hey, Pa…can we watch ‘em?
“Sure, Mike! Walk right over directly in front of that noisy,
moving bulldozer and whisper to the driver if he needs help!”
SAM: No…I don’t think it will be
all that interesting, Mike…
EMMETT (looking off in the distance):
I wouldn’t be too sure about that…hey—look over there!
And so they came.
From towns like Siler City
and Weaverville. All eligible spinsters
answering the call of their county in its time of need.
EMMETT: Would you look at those
women!
MIKE: Hey, and look who else!
Howard gets out of one of the cars…demonstrating that Emmett
had it right the first time. Carrying
signs and placards that read “Osborne Go Home” and “We Are the 99%,” Aunt Bee,
Clara, Myrtle and the rest of the Garden Club begin to march toward where
Osborne and his men are standing. “Oh,
Sam,” squeals Millie, “we’ve got to stay and see this!”
AUNT BEE (confronting Osborne): Mr.
Osborne…we protest this road…in the
name of trees and wilderness everywhere!
OSBORNE (unctuously): Miss
Taylor…ladies…I am duly taking note of your well-meant protest…but this work
must go ahead, so if you’ll please just…stand back…let ‘em go, Frank!
FRANK (yelling): Charlie, fire it
up…let’s go!
Charlie guns his ‘dozer and starts to move toward the area where
Bee and her protesters are standing. If
Charlie was one of the those guys mowing down Palestinian settlements, the
group would soon be laid to rest underneath the very trees they’re trying to
save…but fortunately, our hero Sam steps out in front of the machine and yells
at Charlie to “shut that thing off!” in time to stop the potential carnage.
The protesters start up a “Save our trees” chant, and Millie
beams: “I’ve never seen anything like this!”
“It’s like Valley Forge ,” returns
Emmett…and he would probably know.
OSBORNE (yelling to be heard above
the wrong): Mr. Jones…you’re head of the town council…can’t you call them off?
SAM: Sorry, Commissioner…I’ve dealt
with these ladies… (Indicating Howard) And this gentleman before…when they make
up their minds to do something, they mean
it!
CLARA (calming them down):
Ladies…fellow tree lovers…and Commissioner Osborne…to express our determination
in verse…here is Bee Taylor—who will read a poem by Mayberry’s own Howard
Sprague…
The poet laureate of Mayberry generates a few laughs during
Bee’s recitation of his poem, alternately beaming and mouthing the words along
as she reads.
I hope Mayberry never sees
A road whose asphalt kills the
trees
The trees which stand in Grover’s
Woods
And grow in leafy brotherhood
Their windswept branches sing their
hymns
To squirrels and toads beneath
their limbs
Highways are made by heartless folk
But only nature can make an oak
Sounds to me like “Mayberry’s own Howard Sprague” borrowed a
bit of his poem from New Brunswick ’s
(Alfred) Joyce Kilmer. But he might have
had a deadline to meet, so… Aunt Bee and
Howard’s poem gets a nice round of applause from the group, prompting
Commissioner Osborne to once again try pleading his case.
OSBORNE: Please…please, Mr. Jones…isn’t there anything
you can do?
SAM: I’m sorry,
Commissioner…no…looks like you’re going to have to come up with a solution to
this problem…
“But…but…government solving problems? The implications alone would be
staggering!” Well, Ozzy should get a
little credit…he’s able to put a stop to the “Save our trees” chant by
addressing the crowd: “Due to the…sincere and heartfelt…protests of you good
people…the county…will…postpone Operation Shortcut…temporarily…while it…looks into the matter further…”
Cheers and high-fives all around…which is exactly how
government rarely works in real life.
There is then a dissolve to Osborne’s office, where he addresses Sam,
Howard, Aunt Bee and Clara on the solution that’s been proposed for the Mayberry
Road :
OSBORNE: We have redesigned the
road so that it threads its way around the natural groupings of trees in
Grover’s Woods…Wickes…the map, please…
WICKES: Yes, sir!
AUNT BEE: Oh! It winds
through the trees like a stream!
CLARA: And it leaves the forest
just as it was…
OSBORNE: Yes…and in honor of your
club and its noble aims, Miss Taylor, we have changed the name…to the Mayberry Scenic Drive …
(Everyone “oohs” in approval)
HOWARD: Well! A most impressive job!
SAM: Yeah, Commissioner…looks like
you’ve succeeded in pleasing just about everybody!
Here’s where I do my Alan-Brady-from “Coast to Coast Big
Mouth” impression: “Oh, happy days
are here again…” No, Commissioner
Osborne is far too modest, explaining that the revised plan can be chalked up
to “creative engineering.” Giddy with
their success at sticking it to The Man, Aunt Bee and Clara hurry on their way
(Osborne even graciously offers to see them to the elevators…presumably to push
both of them down the shaft)…while Sam notices that Howard is studying the map
a little too closely:
SAM: Uh…you coming, Howard?
HOWARD (measuring the map with a
piece of string): Yeah, Sam…you know something?
If my calculations are correct…according
to the scale of the map, this Mayberry Scenic Drive will make our new shortcut at least a half a mile longer than the old road!
SAM (stunned, he looks around): Uh…do
me a favor, Howard? (He pulls on the map
to close it) Keep that to yourself,
will ya?
Coda time!
Sam is out by the Waltons’ barn, hard at work (snicker)
cutting up logs for firewood. Enter…a
young idiot.
MIKE: Whatcha doin’, Pa?
SAM: Oh, I just thought I’d…cut up
a few of these logs so they’d fit in the fireplace…hey, if you want to help me—you
can take hold of the other end of that…uh, saw there…
MIKE: Do I have to?
The seeds of rebellion have been planted again!
SAM: What do you mean, do you have
to? I thought you liked to help me
around the farm…
“Well, yeah…but you rarely do any actual farming, Pa—what kid wouldn’t want a job like that?”
MIKE: Well, I do, Pa…
SAM: Well, then…help!
Grab hold…
MIKE (grabbing the other end of the
saw): These logs…they were trees once, weren’t they, Pa?
SAM: Well, of course they were…all
logs were trees once…
MIKE (letting go of the saw): I don’t
think I want to help you kill any trees…
SAM: Mike…I’m not killing any trees…these
are just old dead logs here…
MIKE: You gonna make me do it?
Oh, crap on a Popsicle stick. If I had said something like that to my
father at Mike’s age, my mother would be donating blood to make sure I made it
through the operation.
SAM: No, I’m not going to make you do it…
“The hell I’m not…”
MIKE: That’s good, Pa…because I
wouldn’t feel right after what Aunt Bee said…
SAM: What did Aunt Bee say?
MIKE: You heard her say it…only nature can make an oak…
That woman is twisted and evil. Sam tells his son to never mind, and as the
little freeloader walks away, he yells: “I’ll do it myself! Attila
the Hun will cut your firewood for ya!”
Why Sam doesn’t just stop what he’s doing and then wait until December,
when the old dame and his son are slowly freezing to death, goes unchallenged.
“The Mayberry Road ”
is one of Aunt Bee Taylor’s more prominent showcases, demonstrating that her
powers are so great she can get a ten-year-old boy to bend to her will and
transform him into a goldbrick for the rest of his life. Thrilling
Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ also marks another tally in Aunt
Bee appearances on the show: eight episodes for the second season, with twenty
show-ups in total. Next week: more rural
hilarity…more Aunt Bee…and if you’re not careful, you may learn something
before “Millie and the Great Outdoors” is done.
(Hey hey hey…)
Ivan,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you own or want to own it, but Amazon has a gold box deal for today (Tuesday) of the complete Andy Griffith Show at a 56% discount for $75.
Regards,
Barry
Barry:
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads-up on this. I'm one of those silly people who buys the sets when they come out and then swears a blue streak when the company repackages them with extras they couldn't include the first time around. But I'm sure there are folks out there in YesterLand who'll be interested in this info.
Tom left this comment earlier, which I apparently erased in an example of brazen, naked numbskulledness (sorry about that, Tom):
ReplyDeleteSo basically Aunt Bee speaks for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.
I guess it's nice to see the Garden Club earn a victory as radical enviromentalists after failing so badly as a political machine a few years earlier when they tried to get Aunt Bee elected to the city council. Of course, victories just makes Clara Edwards more smug and insufferable so maybe it's best that the ladies should always get the short end of the stick.
they are highly-charged political treatises with captivating sociological ramifications as well.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Otherwise, why would anyone watch them?
(I have no idea what this means, by the way—but it must mean something, since I used big words.)
This is also my personal movie-reviewing philosophy.
Okay, so after I picked myself up off the floor after passing out from a laughter coma at that screencap of Howard, I can finally read the rest of the post.
Aunt Bee looks pretty good here, all dolled up for the environmental reactionaries meeting.
but from the looks of that bag, she asked for six sheet cakes
HA! You're right, though, that is a huge half dozen, unless it's a half-dozen boxes of a dozen donuts each (much like six packs of two-four).
EMMETT: But can’t you ladies of the Garden Club save the world just as well foolin’ around with your roses and snapdragons and stuff?
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I remember this episode from the Manchurian Candidate. Then Aunt Bee says to Howard, "Sergeant Shaw, pick up the pistol and shoot the repairman."
Nice one, Ivan; one of your funniest.
Then Aunt Bee says to Howard, "Sergeant Shaw, pick up the pistol and shoot the repairman."
ReplyDeleteI need to learn to stop drinking iced tea when I read these comments.
HA! You're right, though, that is a huge half dozen, unless it's a half-dozen boxes of a dozen donuts each (much like six packs of two-four).
ReplyDeleteThey like their Donettes king-size in Mayberry.
A pretty good example, by the way, of Hollywood's clumsy attempts to connect with youth culture of the era, as I touched upon in last week's episode's comments.
ReplyDeleteThings Ecological were a great concern of kids those days, and especially the issue of conservation of trees, which with the usual overweening earnestness of youth, crescendoed with mail from subscribers of the Sierra Club Newsletter to the Sierra Club, demanding that they cease printing and publication of the newsletter in order to save trees. So help me, they meant well, the poor dears.
The "Tree-Hugger" sneer came into popular usage around this time, though I don't know who actually coined the term. Aunt Bee, tree hugger.
The first Earth Day was celebrated the following April, in various ways, mostly involving "teach-ins" at assorted universities, and no, I can't be bothered to explain just what the hell a teach-in was.
And in 2009, the United Nations designated April 22 to be International Mother Earth Day, which I imagine will in 2109 be redesignated International Stop Ruining Our Perfectly Good Planet 'Cause That's Where I Keep All My Stuff Day.