Adventures of Sir Galahad – Chapter 4: Attack on Camelot!

OUR STORY SO FAR: Would-be Round Table ka-niggit Galahad (George Reeves) muffs his fraternity induction when he dozes off at his post and allows the invincible sword Excalibur to be spirited away by a mysterious individual known only as The Black Knight.  B.K., in turn, hands off the sword to Saxon king Ulric (John Merton), who would like nothing better than to usurp the throne of Arthur, King of the Britons (Nelson Leigh) in order to cut taxes for the wealthy and repeal the health insurance decree known as Arthurcare.

Galahad and his sidekick, the corpulent Sir Bors (Charles King), have pledged to do their darndest to return Excalibur to Arthur, and so infiltrate the Saxon camp by having Bors don drag as the kingdom’s second ugliest woman.  (Believe me…you do not want a screen capture of the winner.)  When that fails miserably, Galahad is able to eavesdrop on conversations between Ulric and his stooge, Bartog (Don C. Harvey), learning that Arthur’s counsel, the mighty magician known as Merlin (William Fawcett), is also in league with the Saxons.  Before he can return to Camelot to report this to Arthur, Galahad is captured and is inches away from being cleaved in two by a honkin’ big arrow launched from one of the weapons in Ulric’s impressive arsenal…

You knew, of course, that Galahad would manage to duck out of the way moments before that arrow could engage in a hostile merger with his body…only because that’s the way he got out of the cliffhanger in Chapter 2, by rolling off to the side.  Here he’s managed to work the post he’s tied to out of the ground, so he dodges the missile with relative ease.  The fun part comes in the fight afterward, in which Galahad—still tied to that freaking post—manages to fight off one of Ulric’s men with his feet…

…and artfully evade a sword that has been thrust at him by the same guy.  The peculiar thing about Ulric’s guards is that once they land on the ground during the struggle, they are instantly rendered unconscious…suggesting once again that Ulric’s rise to the throne probably depended more on money than muscle.  As Galahad and Bors defeat the guards and make their getaway on horseback, Ulric and Bartog emerge from Ulric’s tent-quarters…with Bartog ordering some of the men to go after them.  Instead, the men shoot at the fleeing Galahad and Bors with arrows, and demonstrate a talent for avoiding the broadside of a barn.  Then they actually lie down on the ground and are instantly rendered unconscious.  (Okay…I made that last part up.)

Camelot!  A little travelin’ music, Mr. Spear!

We’re Knights of the Round Table

We dance whene’er we’re able

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impecc-able.

We dine well here in Camelot

We eat ham and jam and Spam® a lot

“T’ank you, boyce,” as Mr. Welk might say.  Inside the castle, Arthur is pissing and moaning about the shellacking they took from Ulric and his men in battle, counseled by Round Table Ka-niggits Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser), Sir Kay (Jim Diehl), Sir Modred (Leonard Penn) and Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Serial.

ARTHUR: Our defeat has been bitter...as we might well have expected with the sword Excalibur in Ulric’s hands…

MODRED: The fault is Galahad’s…he let the sword be stolen…if indeed he did not connive directly with the thieves…

LANCELOT: May I remind Your Majesty that Galahad has denied his guilt?  He could not have known the passageway in which the thief fled…but one of us here in Camelot could have known of it!  And that same person could have drugged Galahad’s wine!

KAY: It was Sir Bors who brought the ceremonial cup, Your Majesty…and strangely enough, he is also missing…

Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute.  At the time, Bors was attempting to, in the parlance of the younger crowd, “get himself some” from a serving wench.  So he can hardly be considered responsible for what recreational drugs went into Galahad’s wine.

ARTHUR: I shall not condemn them until they have been fairly tried…I order you, Sir Kay, to arrest them on sight and bring them before me…we must make plans for the defense of Camelot…

MERLIN: Sire…my wisdom tells me that the Saxons will attack the east wall…

Ooh!  You big fibber!

MERLIN: …I urge that Your Majesty’s forces be concentrated there…

ARTHUR: I shall weigh your wisdom well, Merlin…

Arthur then rises from his throne, signaling one and all that the meeting is over…and as the rest of the court disperses; Modred takes Kay to one side…

MODRED: When a soft heart weakens the King’s judgment…his true friends must protect his interests…

KAY: Galahad and Sir Bors will be dealt with…

MODRED: In the most final way, I trust…

Hang on there, Sir Joe of Arpaio…I think you’re overstepping your jurisdiction a bit.  His Majesty ordered them to be arrested on sight and brought to him.  But the guards of Camelot have been given other instructions, for as Galahad and Bors approach on horseback…

GUARD: Captain of the Guard!

CAPTAIN: What is it?

GUARD: Look!

(The two men observe Galahad and Bors riding toward the castle)

CAPTAIN: It’s Sir Bors and young Galahad…Sir Kay’s orders were to shoot on sight…

I don’t know the actor playing the guard who’s getting a bead on Galahad and Bors, but his boss (the Captain of the Guard) is played by Al Ferguson, a veteran bit player who appeared in nearly 300 movies since the days of silents (and even directed a handful).  The guard taking careful aim must have flunked marksmanship in Guard School, because he misses both men by a country mile.

GALAHAD: That was a merry welcome…

BORS: Wonder what got into them?

GALAHAD: Have you forgotten they’ve got little reason to feel friendly toward us?  But friendly or not, I must get to Arthur… (He starts to pull out a handkerchief)

BORS: What do you plan to do?

GALAHAD: Make a flag of truce…help me, will you, Sir Bors?

“I sure will!  And I’ll even stand behind you as you request entrance to Camelot!”

CAPTAIN: I have no authority to respect your flag of truce…what do you seek here?

GALAHAD: No less than King Arthur himself!

“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fffart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”  Okay, the Captain of the Guard doesn’t really taunt Galahad…he tells him to go ahead, ordering the guards to open the gate.  I wonder if they’ll be that accommodating when Ulric’s men come riding up.

I like this bit here…Galahad and Bors have ridden into the courtyard, and a couple of grooms come over to take care of the horses—suggesting that, hey, mortal enemies or no the watchword at Camelot is customer service.  (Maybe the grooms work on tips, I don’t know.)  Several other men take our heroes over to Sir Kay.

KAY: I had not thought to see you here alive, Galahad…I doubt you shall remain so for long…take them to the dungeon!

(The guards comply with his request, but Sir Lancelot has arrived on the scene)

GALAHAD: Sir Lancelot!  I must speak to King Arthur…I bear news of great importance!

KAY: More lies!  Take them to the dungeon, I said!

LANCELOT: Arthur has said he would not deny them fair hearing…would you stand against the King’s will?

KAY: I seek only to serve Arthur…

LANCELOT: Then serve him by conducting these men to the Great Hall…

“And be quick about it, dillhole.”  So the scene shifts to the Great Hall, where Galahad and Bors will be allowed to plead their case to the King in kind of a pre-trial hearing of discovery.  But because the attorney chosen to defend them is Sir Hamilton of Burger, I have a bad feeling about this.

ARTHUR: Sir Bors…and you, Galahad…took leave of my forces without my knowledge or permission…what have you to say?

GALAHAD: Sire, we went in search of the sword Excalibur…it is held by King Ulric of the Saxons…

MODRED: That’s scarcely news to His Majesty…

GALAHAD: Then perhaps this is…Ulric plans to attack the south wall of Camelot, where our defenses are the weakest…he does this on the advice of Your Majesty’s counsel, the magician Merlin…

(The court reacts to this news)

ARTHUR: How do you know these things, Galahad?

GALAHAD: I saw Merlin appear in the tent of Ulric…by magic…I heard them speak together…

MERLIN: Sir Bors…did you see me with Ulric?

BORS: No. but I…

MERLIN: You have already responded…Your Majesty—Galahad is here to forward the schemes of Ulric…

There’s something vaguely Nixonian about Merlin.  “Did you tape it?  Then I didn’t do it…”  And Modred seems awfully quick to jump in to support Merlin’s version of events as well:

MODRED: Merlin speaks the truth…Galahad wants the south wall strengthened so that Ulric may attack on the east!

LANCELOT: Sire…I believe in Galahad…I beg that you trust him, too…

ARTHUR (after a pause): I shall give these matters much thought…

“Whilst stroking my beard ponderously, of course.”  Arthur orders Sir Kay to take Galahad and Bors to the dungeon, and in the next scene…

“Nobody knows…the trouble I’ve seen…”  As Galahad paces the cell nervously, and Bors ruefully sits, reflecting on his fate…a shadow appears on yonder wall…

“I am the Whistler…and I know many things, for I walk by night…”  Okay—sorry about that.  These Whistler movies I’m writing up each week for the Radio Spirits blog have kind of crossed over to the serial.

BORS (getting to his feet): This place is filled with ghosts!

GALAHAD: What?

(A figure starts to take shape in the shadow)

BORS: If I wasn’t wide awake…

GALAHAD: It must be a trick of the imagination…

Or a really cheesy special effect.  No—it’s none of those things (okay, the effect is cheesy)…it’s Morgan le Fay (Pat Barton)!

MORGAN (smiling): Not so, Galahad…it’s a trick of Morgan le Fay! (She walks over to the side of the room where Galahad and Bors are standing)

BORS: I wish you wouldn’t do that, Morgan…it makes me nervous…

MORGAN: Merlin’s not the only magician around Camelot…

GALAHAD: And just what does bring you to our happy little abode, Morgan?

MORGAN: To help you…

GALAHAD: Oh…sending me to the Enchanted Forest?  And into Merlin’s trap?

I noticed that actor Reeves plays this scene with that trademark smartass insouciance of his, like he’s really not taking any of this too seriously.

MORGAN: I…uh…know a secret tunnel that leads through the wall…

BORS: Then if Ulric attacks, we’re between two fires…the Saxons and King Arthur…

GALAHAD (laying a hand on Bors’s shoulder): Wait…has King Arthur decided which wall he’ll defend?

MORGAN: Knowing that Ulric will approach from the east, Arthur plans a surprise attack on him before he reaches Camelot…

So…the title of this serial chapter, “Attack on Camelot!”—pretty much a misnomer.

GALAHAD: If you really wish to help…you’ll get me four things…

“A manila envelope…some metal shavings…a bowl of cake batter…and an 8-track of Sinatra’s Songs for Swingin’ Lovers!”

GALAHAD: A piece of parchment…some ink…a quill…and a talisman from Merlin…

BORS: What are you up to, Galahad?

MORGAN (laughing): Ha ha…it’d be a good jest on that old white beard…I’ll do it…

Now—it is very important for Morgan to walk back to the exact same spot where she came in or otherwise the cheesy special effects won’t work correctly.  She does have the sense of whimsy to do a little Constance-Bennett-in-Topper homage, like this…

Seconds later, Galahad is finishing his handiwork and rolling up the parchment…then he gives Bors this look…

…which did produce a medium-sized snort from me.

GALAHAD (as Morgan hands him the ring): Did you have much trouble getting this ring from Merlin?

MORGAN: I used one of his own spells on him, and he fell into a deep sleep…

You remember that observation from Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) in Annie Hall: “When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White.  I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen?”  I’m the guy who would end up with Morgan le Fay.

GALAHAD: Morgan…what favor do you ask for your help?

MORGAN: I’ll tell you in good time…now I’ll show you the tunnel…

BORS: What about the guard?

MORGAN: Call him…

Bors calls out for the guard, who arrives and unlocks the door with his keys… upon seeing Morgan in the cell, he quickly draws his sword—but she makes a few magic passes with the wave of her hand…

…and that’s him against the wall, stacked up like cordwood.  Galahad and Bors exit out the very same secret passageway that Bartog entered in Chapter 2, because there’s not enough money in this fershlugginer budget for two secret passageways.

BORS: Well?  Where now?

GALAHAD: Ulric’s camp…

BORS: With that false map you drew it’ll be our death warrant…

GALAHAD: Well, let’s hurry then…we mustn’t be late for our own execution…after you, Sir Bors…

The grin on Reeves’ face cinches it—he’s in Clark Kent mode, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the next thing he ends up doing is giving a big wink to the camera.

Arriving at Checkpoint Chickie just outside Ulric’s camp, Bors spots several of the Saxon King’s men and laments, “We’ll never get past them.”  “Oh, yes we will,” Galahad assures him, “follow me…”  But as it turns out, Bors is right—as he and Galahad attempt to sneak past the guards…

…Bors’ stuntman loses his footing and rolls down the hill, which means Galahad has to go down and rescue his ass since Bors ends up exchanging cold steel with two of Ulric’s men.  They are quickly overpowered, and our heroes are paraded right into Ulric’s camp, where a smirking Bartog greets them with “King Ulric will be glad indeed to welcome you back into his camp…”

Ushered inside Ulric’s tent, Bartog presents the prisoners for a few brownie points.

BARTOG: These spies of Arthur’s have placed their neck in the noose again…

ULRIC: And this time we’ll tighten it for them…

GALAHAD (smiling): King Ulric…we’re here as your friends…Arthur has cast us out, and therefore our loyalty to him is forsworn…now, in return for your favor and protection, we would do you a great service…

ULRIC: And what is this great service?

GALAHAD: We bear important information from Merlin the wizard…

ULRIC: Out with it!

(Galahad reaches into his tunic and pulls out the “map” he drew earlier, unfolding it in front of Ulric)

GALAHAD: Here is a map of Arthur’s defenses…as you can see, the greater part of his men hold the south wall…therefore, you must change your plans to attack from the east…

BARTOG: He lies…

ULRIC: He lies indeed…let his neck feel the executioner’s axe!

“’Scuse me while I whip this out…”  No, it’s not what you’re expecting—Galahad then produces Merlin’s ring on his hand.

GALAHAD: Here is the ring of Merlin…this is proof I speak the truth…

“See…it has a magnifying glass, a whistle, the secret decoder compartment and everything!”

ULRIC (after checking out the ring): It is indeed…if Merlin says we must attack the east walls, it shall be done…I count upon him to release this sword before battle is joined…

GALAHAD: No doubt he will…

Ulric is referring to a bit of sorcery that Merlin performed in Chapter 3, where he cleverly affixed Excalibur to a table in Ulric’s tent with strong epoxy.  Galahad, you’ll remember, had difficulty retrieving the sword (it stood fast in the same manner as a coin Crazy Glued to the floor) but now that he’s inside the tent again you’d think he’d just grab the table and haul ass out of there.

BARTOG: You and your friend will fight with us…since you hate Arthur so…

GALAHAD (grinning): Naturally…

ULRIC: Good!  But meantime, you will be kept under guard…place them in the prison tent until we march…and start preparations for the attack on Camelot!

“That…actually doesn’t…happen…in this chapter…heh heh…”  There is then a dissolve to a cliff face, where a Camelot guard keeps watch until he sees the Saxons riding up in the distance.  He calls for Sir Kay, and tells the knight of the Saxons’ position.  “Luck is yet with us,” gloats Kay.  “They’re riding straight into our trap.”  Told to sound the signal, the guard alerts Arthur, Lancelot, Modred and the others of the approach of the enemy, and all of the men take up fighting positions.  As the Saxons ride closer, a member of the Camelot contingent raises his bow and fires…

“Message for you, sir!”  The Saxon falls off his horse, which signals the others to dismount and begin the battle.  Arthur and his knights watch the brawl from a close distance, and then the King of the Britons instructs Modred to get into position.

In the meantime, Ulric has ridden up with Bartog, Galahad and Bors…they spot two of Arthur’s men firing arrows at them from a cliff face.

ULRIC: We must dislodge those boulders!

BARTOG: We have ladders to scale walls…

ULRIC: Have one brought up!

A ladder is quickly produced, and Ulric tells Galahad: “To prove your loyalty, Galahad, you can be first up the ladder!”

Despite dispatching both men who were firing the arrows, Ulric and his goons face further peril when the dead men are replaced by…two more cogs in the war machine.  It is Galahad who suffers the ultimate indignity…this week’s cliffhanger involves him being on the ladder as it’s tipped over, and his body makes a sickening thud sound on the rocks below. 

That…is going to leave a mark.  Take it away, Knox Manning!

MANNING: Are all of King Arthur’s knights to be captured?  What brings Sir Bors again to the Saxon camp?

Those little Saxon souvenir key rings.  They’re irresistible, I tell ya!