Adventures of Sir Galahad – Chapter 5: Galahad to the Rescue

OUR STORY SO FAR:  Apprentice ka-niggit Galahad (George Reeves), wanting nothing more out of life than to be a member of King Arthur’s (Nelson Leigh) Knights of the Round Table and all the membership benefits that entails (a free small order of fries and a gift card good for all participating Breckenridge’s Taverns), valiantly struggles to recover Arthur’s invincible sword Excalibur from the grimy paws of Saxon king Ulric (John Merton), who is polling pretty well alongside Arthur despite a recent gaffe in which he castigated forty-seven percent of the kingdom for not paying their fair share of taxes.  Even Galahad’s warnings that the King’s Counsel, the mighty magician Merlin (William Fawcett), is in cahoots with Ulric fall on deaf ears in the court.

Galahad and his comical sidekick Sir Bors (Charles King) are thrown into Arthur’s dungeon but are assisted in their escape by the delectably evil Morgan le Fay (Pat Barton).  They ride off in the direction of Ulric’s camp…but are soon captured by the Saxon King’s men.  Fortunately, Galahad is able to b.s. Ulric and his stooge Bartog (Don C. Harvey) into thinking that he and Bors are persona au gratin as far as Arthur is concerned, and in the attack that follows they pretend to be on Ulric’s side.  Galahad, ordered to climb a ladder and do battle with two of Arthur’s men, finds himself in a mell of a hess when the ladder is tipped over and smashes on a large rock below…

…but not really!  Okay, I have to admit this particular cliffhanger was kind of cool—the ladder does get tipped over, but Galahad manages to miss the rock (missed it by that much!) by mere inches.  Getting to his feet, he must have also given a secret signal to Bors because the two of them then start engaging Ulric’s men in massive swordlery.  And I mean, major cutlass action—Gal and Bors take on like eight or ten guys, and look pretty damn good doing so.  Such gallantry does not escape the attention of Arthur, who watches from a safe distance with knights Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser) and Sir Kay (Jim Leigh).

LANCELOT (to Arthur): Your “traitor,” young Galahad, is fighting your battle quite shrewdly, Sire…

KAY: He’s fighting for his own skin…

Thank you, Sir Rain-on-Parade.  The revelation that Galahad has just been yanking his chain mail all this time is not lost on Saxon king Ulric, who barks out a command for his goons to “Seize those men!”  But as Galahad and Bors continue to fight like madmen; it is the toadying Bartog who must inform his king: “The tide of battle goes against us, Sire…”

Looking at the sword in his hand, Ulric says steely-eyed: “Excalibur can conquer all!”  Which opens up an interesting topic for discussion (and one which I expect 500-word essays by Monday from the TDOY faithful): could a person with crappy sword fighting skills actually do well provided he was wielding Excalibur?

“Can it be that we’re winning this war alone?” muses Sir Bors, as he looks around at the carnage surrounding him and Galahad.  “To get Excalibur,” responds a determined Galahad, just as Ulric and Bartog arrive in the picture.  “And there it is!” declares the would-be ka-niggit.

ULRIC: You dare to challenge Excalibur?

GALAHAD: I not only dare…I must!

Well, I now have my official catchphrase for this week.  But I was being serious about this Excalibur thing—as Galahad and Ulric exchange cold steel, it looks as if Gal is going to administer a major butt-whooping…something that, again, is observed by Lancelot and Arthur—who have apparently decided to sit the battle out while replenishing their electrolytes with Gatorade.

LANCELOT: If Galahad has the courage to face Excalibur…surely we have the courage to support him?

ARTHUR (after a pause): Attack at once!

Oh, yeah!  Your momma’s gonna know about it now!  There is more sword fighting, and then Galahad triumphs in disarming Ulric, with Excalibur falling to the ground!

Holding the formerly invincible sword in the air (and as Ulric and Bartog start running like dishonest Congressmen) Galahad cries out to the remaining warriors: “Saxons beware!  Excalibur now fights for Arthur!”  Ulric’s men know a hint when they hear one, and they get the heck out of there as well.

Um…okay…I guess that’s the end of the serial, then…seeing as how Galahad has accomplished what he set out to do in just four chapters.  But since the last thing we want to do is telegraph that we have a surplus (and risk getting less money in the budget next year), we’ll at least let this chapter play out to its conclusion since there’s another ten minutes on the clock.  Riding as fast as their horses can carry them, Ulric and Bartog come to a screeching halt at a fork in the road…

ULRIC: We’ll split up our forces here…and go to the secret rendezvous by different routes…

BARTOG: And if we should still be followed?

ULRIC: We both know how to make an ambush…

This is why I love Ulric and his scumbag ways.  A lesser serial villain would throw up his hands in defeat, but Ulric is going to stick with this until his head is officially resting on a spike.  Shortly after the Saxons ride off to their super-secret hideout, Galahad and Bors ride up on horseback to the same fork in the road, and are joined by Lancelot and a few other knights.

LANCELOT: They’ve divided their numbers to confuse the chase…

BORS: Their strategy was poorly chosen… (Pointing to his left) There’s one trail…

GALAHAD (nodding): There lies the other…Sir Bors and I will follow one if you take the other…Sir Lancelot—my advice to you is to send most of your knights back to Camelot…now that our main problem is to find Ulric’s lair, the fewer we are the better…

One of my ambitions in life is to have a “lair.”  Just thought I’d throw that in.

LANCELOT: The sword Excalibur shall go back with the knights then…

GALAHAD: No, Sir Lancelot…when this sword is returned to Arthur, it shall be by my hand and no other…

Atta boy, Gallie…we can’t chance this serial not going the full fifteen chapters!  “So be it,” declares Lancelot, as he orders Sir Gawain and Sir Bedevere to go with him while the other two knights get thee back to Camelot.  The actor playing Bedevere goes unidentified (his role here isn’t quite as prominent as the Bedevere played by Terry Jones in Monty Python and the Holy Grail) but the actor playing Gawain is Rick Vallin, a Russian-born character actor who was in more B-pictures and serials than Carter has little liver pills.  Vallin functioned best as a villain in chapter plays like Batman and Robin and Cody of the Pony Express, but on occasion he could cross over to the good side in serials like Brick Bradford and Blackhawk.

Well, that statement that Ulric made earlier about how they know ambushing turns out to be true…for as Lancelot, Gawain and Bedevere continue their pursuit of Ulric and his men, they are surprised by three Saxon henchies wielding bolas.  They throw…

…one…

…two…

…and three.  Lancelot, Gawain and Bedevere all fall off their horses and onto the ground, whereupon they are easily captured by Ulric’s men.

Meanwhile, on the other trail with Galahad and Bors…

BORS: Whoa…Galahad…I have an uncanny chill coursing up and down my spine…have you never heard it said that rashness is the father of disaster?

If I were disaster…I’d demand a blood test.

GALAHAD: True…but too much caution is the blood brother of cowardice…

Make that two blood tests.

GALAHAD: Would you turn back now?

BORS: I didn’t say that…but a couple of stout bowmen at our side would be a comforting thing…

GALAHAD (grinning): The sooner we find Ulric’s hiding place…the sooner we can return to the walls of Camelot…

BORS: …and the sooner out again to chase Ulric some more…

Bors is not a fool.  He knows what side his bread is buttered with regards to this serial.  Unbeknownst to our heroes, Ulric is watching them up the trail a piece, and he issues orders to a couple of not-so-stout bowmen:  “They’re moving forward again…let them go no farther.  Join me at the cave.”  He saddles up, and the two archers wait patiently for Galahad and Bors to ride into their sights.  Patient…patient…and…

ZIP!  They miss them by miles.  As the bowmen regroup to get a better position in order to miss them again, Galahad and Bors conduct a stragedy session…

GALAHAD: We may lose Ulric if we’re held here very long…

BORS: Even Excalibur is useless against a good archer at a hundred paces…they command the road, Galahad…

Yeah, but you just saw those two guys miss you easily.  I don’t think they fall into the categorization of “good archers.”

GALAHAD: Then we won’t take the road!

BORS: What other way is there?

GALAHAD: Follow me and see!

By following blindly, Galahad and Bors manage to position themselves where they are directly behind the archers, and they then proceed to ride swiftly past them.  The bowmen futilely try to cut them down with their weapons, but they prove to be useless.  (Schmucks.)

Stopping in a clearing, Galahad and Bors dismount and take a little stroll until they reach this development:

Ulric’s men, with their prisoners Lancelot, Gawain and Bedevere.  All they need now in order to rescue their comrades…is a cunning plan…

GALAHAD: Sir Lancelot and two of his knights taken prisoner…we must help him…

BORS: Well, the cave is fairly swarming with Saxons…

You’ll have that, what with the humidity and all.

BORS: …how to get to them?

GALAHAD (pointing off into the distance): Do you see that?

What, behind the horse and cart?

BORS: Why, yes…

GALAHAD (giving Bors the once-over): Let’s see…if I take a lock from your hair and if I put it over your upper lip with some tree gum…

BORS: Now, Galahad…let’s not be hasty…

GALAHAD: ...mess your face up a little bit…yes, I dare say you’ll do…

Well, it could have been worse, Bors…he could have made you put on the dress again.  So Lucy and Viv embark on one of their zany schemes, which culminates with a disguised Sir Bors driving the horse and cart (“Bring out your dead…”) up to where the Saxon guards are standing.  “Get your armor repaired!” he sings out.  “Get your damaged armor repaired!”  The old “expert armorer” disguise…they won’t suspect a thing!

BORS (calling out to the guards): How!  Now, my fine fellows…just the opportunity you’ve been waiting for…have your damaged armor repaired…

ULRIC (watching from a distance with Bartog): What ragamuffin is this who disturbs our examination of the prisoners?

(Galahad slowly and stealthily approaches as the others are distracted)

BORS: You ask my qualifications?  Why, my good man—I’m armorer by special appointment to the King himself!

Ulric and Bartog start to make their way down to the cart to find out just who this idiot with the fake moustache is, allowing Galahad to enter the cave and the chamber where Lancelot and the others are being held.  He quickly subdues the sole guard, and then releases the men from their bonds.  Meanwhile, back at the comedy relief:

ULRIC (to Bors): You said that you were armorer to the King?

“Atsa right, boss…”

BORS: Why…yes, sir…yes, indeed…the King…

ULRIC: What king?

“Um…King Donovan.  No, King Moody!  King Kong?”

BORS: Why, good King Ar…uh…good King Ul…

It really doesn’t matter, because by that time Bors has lost his ‘stache and the jig is up.  “Lead that stupid knave to a tree and…” But Ulric doesn’t get to finish the rest of his command, because Bors has the good sense (“And for my next impression…Andy Devine in Stagecoach!”) to whip the horses into getaway mode.  “Seize that man!” Ulric barks.

Ulric’s men go running after Bors…which is kind of stupid, because he’s driving a team of horses, ferchrissake.  And this gives Galahad, Lancelot and the others plenty of time to get to their horses and ride fast toward the horizon.  I love how Ulric’s guys sort of chase after them on foot, and then stop as if to say: “Maybe we should have jumped on these horses that were next to the ones they jumped on.”  If Ulric ever does get the throne away from Arthur, he’s going to have to advertise for some smarter henchmen.

Galahad and Company soon arrive back at Camelot:

LANCELOT: You’ve kept your vow and brought Excalibur back to Camelot…I’m sure the gratitude of the entire court awaits you within…

Well, unless the rest of the actors in this serial have “play-or-pay” contracts I’m guessing a few of them will be pissed that thing got wrapped up in five chapters.  Lancelot gives Galahad a hearty “atta boy” clasp on his back, and they all go inside.  Waiting for Lancelot, Galahad and Bors are Sir Kay, Sir Modred (Leonard Penn)…and that rat bastard Merlin.

MODRED: You have been long awaited by the King, Sir Lancelot…

LANCELOT: Delay has gained us great fortune…Ulric’s men have scattered…the Saxon king has taken to a cave…but most important, Galahad has recovered the sword Excalibur!  Tell them, lad…

GALAHAD: And now at last…I can ask a place…with the Knights of the Round Table…

KAY: Since your honor has been vindicated, I suppose the King will grant your position…

MERLIN: Wait!  That sword is not Excalibur!

Dun-dun-DUN!!!

GALAHAD: But I myself took it from the hand of Ulric!  And I’ve kept it with me till this minute!

MERLIN: If that were Excalibur…it would have made Ulric unconquerable!

“In other words…your swordsmanship sucks!”  I suppose we really should have seen this coming…Galahad got that sword away from Ulric a little too easily, and besides that we never did see how Ulric got Excalibur unglued from that table.

MERLIN: You would never have taken it from him nor lived to tell of trying… (He makes a few magical gestures) Give me the sword… (Galahad complies with Merlin’s request) This new deception is more proof of his treason…you know how to deal with that crime!

KAY: To the execution chamber with him!  Guards!

(Two guards, who have been standing at attention the entire time, rush over and grab Galahad’s arms)

MODRED: Hold!  He will only escape…we will deal with him here and now…to his knees!

The guards force our hero into that very position, and once his helmet is removed, his head is lowered…to prepare for Modred’s blow… Um…Knox?  You want to take it from here?

MANNING: What new evil do Ulric and Bartog plot?  Is Bartog entering Camelot himself?

“Hi!  I’m just here for the costume party!”