Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: Adventures of Sir Galahad

OUR STORY SO FAR: Every Saturday about this time, apprentice ka-niggit Galahad (George Reeves) tries to atone for bone-headedly falling asleep during his initiation rites and allowing Excalibur, invincible sword of King Arthur (Nelson Leigh), to fall into the hands of the dark-helmeted villain known as the Black Knight. Okay, in Galahad’s defense, he took a slash of some wine that was drugged…but he’s not had much success in retrieving the sword since then. Last week, Galahad and his comic relief sidekick Sir Bors (Charles King) managed to find the scarcely-hidden camp of a band of rebel outlaws who seek to overthrow Arthur, and learn by eavesdropping on rebel leader Cawker (Pierce Lyden) and former-King-Ulric-chamberlain-turned-traitor Bartog (Don C. Harvey) that the rebels plan to ambush some of Arthur’s men as they bring back two wagonloads of arms they’ve appropriated from Ulric’s (John Merton) former camp.

Galahad and Bors’ attempts to warn both Sirs Kay (Jim Diehl) and Modred (Leonard Penn) of the outlaws’ attack go unheeded because Kay and Modred are convinced that Galahad has possession of Excalibur…oh, and also because they are colossal dicks. So when a rebel makes off with a wagon and is furiously pursued by Galahad, there is a fight in the vehicle…and the wagon veers off a cliff…

…and as World O’Crap’s Scott C. pointed out last week, this is probably the first time in the history of serialdom that a vehicle has plummeted off a cliff without exploding. However…

…it would not be the first time in the history of serialdom that someone used some stock footage (I’ll bet dollars to donuts this is from a western). Now—I know what you’re thinking: nobody could have possibly survived that balsa wood wagon crash. And you would be right…except…

…Galahad and the driver tumbled out of the wagon seconds before it went sailing off the cliff. But when the two of them land…

Um…yeah. I think they got some ideas from the recent Mayberry Mondays posting.

Well, back at the skirmish—the outlaws decide to cut their losses and flee like “frightened rabbits,” to use an Ulricism…and hey, they’ve already made off with the wagon of arms that didn’t wind up as kindling, so it’s not like they’re getting the worst of the bargain. Bors comes to and manages to saddle up his horse and the one belonging to Galahad, and he rides swiftly away. And in a scene that made me laugh out loud, Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser) calls out Kay and Modred for their douchebaggery in watching the battle from the safety of their vans…er, horses:

LANCELOT: I could have saved one wagon if you had returned sooner…

KAY: We returned as soon as it was feasible…

LANCELOT: Or perhaps…as soon as it was safe…

Oh, snap! Seriously—how did Kay and Modred get into the Royal Order of the Round Table in the first place? There should be a minstrel following these guys: “Brave Sir Modred ran away…”

KAY: Where’s Galahad?

LANCELOT: I was too occupied to notice…

MODRED: There may still be time to recapture one wagon!

KAY: We would only run into a trap…

Kee-rist, you are pathetic. You didn’t want to go after Galahad and Kay at the Inn of the Ram’s Head. Now you’re covering up your wussitude with “Our best course is the shortest way back to Camelot.” (This is the guy in charge of protecting Excalibur, by the way.)

Anyway, Bors catches up to Galahad, who’s walking down a road after amusingly extricating himself from that embarrassing entanglement with the outlaw driver (the driver was still asleep, presumably worn out from the cuddle).

BORS: What happened?

GALAHAD: We’ll discuss that later…thanks for saving my horse…

A gentleman never tells.

BORS (as he watches the other ka-niggits ride off in the distance): Well, we’re in full possession of a battle field…but it was a lonely victory…

GALAHAD: Now that Bartog has arms…he’ll do more than just sit and look at them…

BORS: You mean we’re going to stick our foolish heads into the lion’s mouth again?

GALAHAD: No…just in the Ram’s Head Inn…I think the outlaws will feel that a celebration is in order…

BORS: It’s a feeling I cannot share…

So our heroes ride off in the direction of the Ram’s Head…and arriving there, don masterful disguises to infiltrate the rebels’ favorite hangout…

…well, whatever. What they lack in clever costuming skills they more than make up with bluff…as Galahad enters the inn with Bors, he barks at a sentry standing outside: “Straighten up there, man! Look alert!” They enter the establishment, and sit down at a table.

BORS: I see neither Bartog nor Cawker…

GALAHAD: More reasonably they’re off somewhere plotting together…

(A comely serving wench approaches their table)

WENCH: What’s your pleasure, gentlemen?

“That would be you, Sweetcheeks…” (Well, you have to get into character.)

GALAHAD: We had hoped to toast the health of Bartog and Cawker…but they don’t seem to be here…

WENCH: How could you, with them in the back room making great plans…

GALAHAD: Some of those plans concern me…I’ve been made a captain…on account of the attack on Camelot…

WENCH: They were talking of Camelot true enough…when I last took a round of drinks…

GALAHAD (placing a coin in her hand): Give them another round…say it’s from two of their most loyal men…

(Bors also takes her hand and crosses her palm with a little change)

WENCH: What’s the extra one for?

GALAHAD: That’s to leave the door open when you come out…we’d like to hear the good news…

The wench nods assent, and starts to fill Galahad’s order…but Bors is still holding her hand, so she slaps at him with a towel. (Good for a giggle, as is Galahad’s “Tsk-tsk-tsk” to his chum.) Wench Lady then goes behind the bar, and starts to pour from the cask clearly marked “Rum”…

…and yes, I laughed at that also. She is then approached by the Ram’s Head proprietor, One-Eye (Ray “Crash” Corrigan).

ONE-EYE: Who are the two men you’re serving? They have a familiar look…

WENCH: No doubt they should, since they’re a couple of Cawker’s men…they’re buying drinks to gain his favor…

ONE-EYE: They give you an extra gold piece—because they like your smile?

WENCH: Is there something wrong with it?

The serving wench then takes a container of rum into the back room, where Cawker and Bartog continue to conspire.

CAWKER: No, Bartog…my men are my only strength…and I won’t throw them away on a gamble…

BARTOG (as the wench is leaving): We ordered nothing!

WENCH: It’s from two of your men, Cawker…one of them wants to be a captain…

CAWKER: Pay no attention…they all want to be captains… (The wench smiles and then departs) Now about that sword…

The wench emerges from the back room, and getting Galahad and Bors’ attention, gives them a big wink. Bors understandably thinks that it’s because she’s promoting the other amenity offered at the Ram’s Head, but Galahad looks at him and shakes his head disapprovingly. Instead, the two of them move to a table that’s located right outside the entrance to the back room, which the wench left open thanks to the two men’s generous gratuity.

BARTOG: The matter is simply prudent…have your men assemble tomorrow noon, here at the inn…the Black Knight will be here…with the real Excalibur…

Meanwhile, One-Eye is starting to suspect that there’s something rotten in the state of you-know-where, as he interrogates the wench…

ONE-EYE: What are you up to? I saw you leave the door open for yonder knave to listen…

WENCH: I meant no harm…he said he expected a promotion in the outlaw army…

ONE-EYE: Get back to your work…

So One-Eye nonchalantly walks past where Galahad and Bors are seated…and starts to circulate around the other tables in the Ram’s Head, whispering that Gal and Bors are not what they appear to be. Meanwhile, our heroes devise a counter plot based on what they have overheard from Bartog and Cawker.

GALAHAD: …Arthur must be told that Excalibur will be here…it’s his one chance to regain it…

BORS: You think that he or anyone else at Camelot would believe you? They’ll put you in irons!

GALAHAD: At least…Lancelot will know that I speak the truth…

BORS: Huh! Then the two of your will gallop here and seize the sword with your bare hands…

GALAHAD: You’re right…it’ll take more than good intentions…

Both Galahad and Bors have not noticed that One-Eye has relayed the news that the two of them are spies to everyone in the joint…and the men rise up from their tables with unmistakable “It’s ass kicking time!” looks on their faces.

GALAHAD (rapping on the table): I have it! We could use a little magic in this matter!

You can do magic. You have anything that you desire.

BORS: You’re going to seek the help of Merlin?

GALAHAD: No…Morgan le Fay…

BORS: She betrayed you once…

GALAHAD: She also helped us once…remember? Out of the Camelot dungeon?

Which would mean that it’s her turn to betray you again, if my math is correct? Bors reluctantly admits that Galahad may have a plan, and he looks up to see the aforementioned ass-kickers making their way to their table. “You go and I’ll cover you,” he informs Galahad.

“No…if we go, we go together,” returns Galahad. And so as his stuntman overturns the table and leaps up on top of the bar, this chapter’s donnybrook gets underway. Bartog and Cawker, having heard the fracas outside, emerge from the back room in time to witness Galahad’s escape and the capture of Bors (apparently Galahad liked the first plan better after all). Galahad runs out to where he and Bors left the horses, which sort of amused me in that they always seem to leave the horses in the same place each time…and always seem to find time left on the meter.

Several of the rebels hold Bors captive…and one of them kind of sucker punches Borsie, which is definitely not cricket. Bartog and Cawker walk over to where the rest of the men are holding their prisoner.

BARTOG: It’s a pity that a Knight of the Round Table should risk his neck in such a foolish enterprise…

BORS: You’ll sing a different tune tomorrow…

“Then I’ll take requests: Ladies Love Outlaws? Renegade? Whiskey in the Jar? Take the Money and Run?”

BARTOG: We won’t even bother to change our plans…the entire Round Table cannot prevail against Excalibur…

BORS: Wait…we’ll see…

BARTOG: You’d best do most of your seeing before the Black Knight arrives…when he does…

“Lock him up!” Bartog orders his followers, and as the men drag Bors away we are reminded once again that Camelot…

…is only a model. Inside the castle walls, Galahad has breached the perimeter…but fortunately a buddy of his is guarding the joint…

LANCELOT: Halt!

GALAHAD (glad to see him): Lancelot!

LANCELOT (he walks over to him): Never have I seen a lad with such a passion for dying…why did you blunder into this hornets nest again?

GALAHAD: Arthur’s sword—the true Excalibur—will be at the Ram’s Head Inn this noon…

“Excalibur hopes to do a few songs off their latest CD!”

GALAHAD: …but I’ll need help to recover it…

LANCELOT: No doubt you will…but you’ve come to the wrong place…who here will believe you…?

GALAHAD: You will…

“…and so will these pictures of you in consort with Queen Guinevere. You stallion you!”

GALAHAD: …and perhaps Morgan le Fay will use her magic to help me conquer the Black Knight!

LANCELOT: At least I can arrange a meeting with her…

And we dissolve to a shot of Morgan’s (Pat Barton) chestal area. Lovely.

GALAHAD: Armed with your magic…I hope to return Excalibur to this very room…

MORGAN: But…this may bring trouble to me…

“No offense, Gal baby…but I stick my neck out for no one.”

LANCELOT: You can help Galahad and you know it…will you show loyalty to your brother Arthur…or will you forever be Merlin’s tool…?

Funny how the words “Merlin” and “tool” always seem to be inexorably linked.

MORGAN: Very well, Lancelot…I can’t do much, Galahad…Merlin’s enraged if I trespass in his domain… (She looks down at her hands) But there is something…this ring! Perhaps it will help you!

“Yeah…I could…pawn it or something…”

GALAHAD: I fail to see how…

MORGAN: You put the ring on your finger…you twist it…and you vanish completely!

And viola! Morgan becomes invisible before their very eyes! She then reappears, to the astonishment of two men who were born before Bewitched premiered on TV.

MORGAN (handing Galahad the ring): There’s one thing to remember…since you’re a non-magical person…

…or to use the scientific nomenclature, “muggle”…

MORGAN: …the ring will probably only work once for you…so save it for an emergency…

GALAHAD: I will…and my thanks to you, Morgan…

“I must go now,” she tells Galahad and Lancelot. But because we spent all that money on that lame vanishing special effect, she is reduced to physically exiting the Sword Room.

LANCELOT: I’m not sure she’s to be trusted…

Yeah, you’d think the title of this chapter—“Treacherous Magic”—would be a tip-off.

GALAHAD: No matter…as long as this ring works…will you go with me, Sir Lancelot?

LANCELOT: I’d be missed…and the court might think I was the Black Knight…but I can get you safely beyond the walls…we’ll use the secret passageway…

“Is it guarded?” Galahad asks his friend—which is kind of silly, since he’s been through the darn thing a couple of times already and knows how lax the security is in that joint. “Certainly! By me!” Lancelot replies. Nine chapters into this thing and now they decide that someone should keep an eye on the secret passage. Oy gevalt.

Back at the Ram’s Head, members of the outlaw contingent stand around, waiting for the clock to strike noon because a special announcement has been promised. Cawker and Bartog are off to one side.

CAWKER: The Black Knight had best show soon…my boys don’t like delays…

“That crowd is liable to turn ugly…and believe me, it won’t be much of a turn.”

BARTOG: Worry not…it’s still seven minutes before noon…

CAWKER: Remember Galahad is still on the loose…he may interfere with your plans...

BARTOG: He’s miles away from here…and no doubt still running…

Well, technically this is not true. He’s more like climbing. Despite the fact that he’s on the roof in plain sight, Galahad makes it over to an open window on the second floor of the Inn, and the scene then shifts to the interior, where two men drink copious amounts of wine and consume a snack…and another man, seated next to the back room, starts to doze off. Galahad skulks his way down the stairs, and then leaps over the railing to attack one of the men, dodging a thrown stool in the process.

There’s a fight, of course…but here’s the odd thing: Galahad is shown vanquishing only two of the men. You can see in this screen cap…

…that there’s a third guy over there at the left…but he just disappears midway during the fight. I don’t know if he fainted, or made tracks for the distant horizon—I think the filmmakers were hoping no one noticed. Anyway, Galahad grabs some keys from one of his unconscious foes and enters the back room to find this:

Yes, it’s Bors—trapped in some sort of weird…hell, I honestly do not know what that is. I only know he’s got this embarrassed look on his face. (“Honest, Galahad…this is not a sex chair!”)

GALAHAD (laughing his fool ass off): Well, here’s a merry sight…tell me—what would you do if I weren’t around to take care of you?

BORS: I’d be a much happier man…

Fellas…seriously. I don’t need to know any of this. So Galahad loosens Bors’ bonds, and the knight asks: “Tell me—how did you know I was here?”

“Where else could they put you?” he responds, and then pointing to a window, informs Bors that that is their means of exit.

BORS: You’re very foolish to pit yourself against Excalibur…

GALAHAD (showing him the ring): Morgan gave me a magic charm, remember?

Well, how would he? He was tied up to that…sex chair the entire time. The scene then shifts to the outside of the Inn, where Bartog can be witnessed looking up at the second floor landing…and seeing the Black Knight! “The man who will lead you to victory…is here!” Bartog crows, to a mildly enthusiastic crowd.

Bartog runs up a flight of steps on the outside and joins B.K. on the landing…

BARTOG: The Black Knight…and the sword that cannot be conquered…Excalibur!

(The Knight unsheathes Excalibur, to a round of “Huzzahs”)

BLACK KNIGHT: Nothing will keep us from taking Camelot…we’ll drive Arthur from the throne!

There are more huzzahs, and then Galahad decides to be a heckler. “If you’re half as brave as you talk, you’ll have the courage to unmask!”

Bartog draws his sword. “We’ll see if you have the courage to die!” (I know, it makes no sense…but the next e-mail I send Stacia is going to have this in the subject line.) He then starts toward the stairway to exchange cold steel with Galahad…

…and notice the construction of the railing on that stairs. I get the feeling the workers kind of said, “Fellas…this is a tavern…let’s just slap this together and then head for the cask marked ‘rum’!” But the railing provides an escape route for Bartog, who leaps over it like a cowardly cur…allowing Galahad to face the Black Knight alone.

As Galahad prepares to battle with the Knight, he hears an ear-piercing sound. He reaches for his ring and twists it…only to discover that that conniving bitch le Fay has left him in the lurch again. The Black Knight (voiced by Paul Frees) laughs and informs his challenger: “The charm is worthless!”

Galahad, bold knucklehead that he is, will do what he can with the hand he’s been dealt. There is then a close up of Excalibur, and the elaborate special effects used to show its invincibility are going to look great on the Blu-ray edition of this serial.