Adventures of Sir Galahad – Chapter 11: Valley of No Return

OUR STORY SO FAR: Apprentice ka-niggit Galahad (George Reeves) continues his quest to catch up to the miscreant responsible for making off with Excalibur, the invincible sword of Arthur, King of the Britons (Nelson Leigh).  That scofflaw is none other than The Black Knight, a mysterious personage who doped Galahad’s wine the night of Gal’s initiation and who now plans to usurp Arthur’s throne through diabolical means: namely, indeterminably stretching this out over the course of fifteen serial chapters.  Last week, Galahad and his comical sidekick Sir Bors (Charles King) enlisted the help of Saxon King Ulric (John Merton), in their pursuit of the sword.  Though the skeevy monarch would surely like to have Excalibur for his very own so he could hug it and pet it and squeeze it and call it…uh…where was I….oh, even though Ulric would like nothing better than to have Excalibur in his sweaty Saxon hands, Galahad and Bors would be sure to make certain that would not happen.

So once the new alliance between Ulric and Galahad is underway, they arrive at the Inn of the Ram’s Head, the tavern hideout where Ulric’s former chamberlain, Bartog (Don C. Harvey), and the leader of a band of outlaws determined to overthrow Arthur, Cawker (Pierce Lyden), make their wicked plans for domination of the kingdom.  Ulric challenges the Black Knight in mortal combat despite B.K.’s possession of Excalibur…but in the skirmish, Galahad winds up tangling with the Knight—and he would have probably been cut down in his prime were it not for the machinations of mighty magician Merlin (William Fawcett), who makes Excalibur vanish before the Black Knight can cleave Galahad in two.  Ulric, convinced that Galahad has tricked him, gives chase after our hero…who winds up having to do a little vine-swinging over a bog to escape his pursuers.  A bowman severs Galahad’s vine with an arrow, and it appears that our man Gal is doomed to sink beneath the quicksand…

…not content to watch Galahad struggle out of what looks like wallpaper paste, the archer raises his bow for the Coup de Gracie.  “Hold your arrow,” cautions Ulric.  “Let him die the death he justly deserves.”  Death by oatmeal.  You’re a real prince, your Saxoness.  (I think Ulric secretly knows that his bowman could fire arrows the rest of the day and still not manage to kill Galahad, so he’s decided to quit while he’s ahead.)

“We shall return,” pronounces Ulric…though it’s not made clear as to whether he’s coming back once Galahad has sank out of sight or if he’s going back to the Ram’s Head for a round of mead.  In the meantime, Sir Bors, who has been silently skulking about to avoid Ulric and his men seeing him, arrives to find his pal up to his neck in muck.  Bors does the decent thing and grabs a large stick, extending it to Galahad to pull him out…but I think if I were Bors I would have gotten a few concessions first (“I need you to lay off the ‘fat friend’ references…”).

GALAHAD: Where are the horses?

BORS: Concealed close by…

GALAHAD: We’ll be off as soon as I wash…

What…you’re going to do a load of laundry?  How exactly does that work?

BORS: Rest awhile…

GALAHAD: The longer we rest, the more advantage The Black Knight…

BORS: I fear it’s a fruitless chase…

GALAHAD: If we stop to ponder the logic of this, we’ll never overtake The Black Knight…

Never has there been a more succinct summation of this serial.  Well, I guess Galahad has himself a good wash (we’re not privy to this, and we’re also thankful) because in the next scene he and Bors are once again riding in search of that black-helmeted scoundrel.  If we stop to ponder the logic of this, we’ll never be able to understand how Galahad was lucky enough to discover this clue…

…yes, the Black Knight’s horse has thrown a shoe.  “Well, he can’t get far on a limping steed,” observes Bors and so the two of them continue on.  A scene shift later, and our heroes find an abandoned horse.

BORS: Now that we’ve found his horse, all we have to do is find The Black Knight…

GALAHAD: He’ll not go far in this terrain…

So there’s another scene shift, and as Galahad and Bors park their horses (and the one belonging to the Black Knight) to continue on foot, they spot a group of ka-niggits commiserating in the hills ahead.  The two of them sneak up on the group, and receive a curious surprise…it’s none other than Sir Modred (Leonard Penn)!

GALAHAD: You!  Sir Modred…

MODRED: You seem disappointed…did you expect someone else?

GALAHAD: In truth I did…

MODRED: Your lady love, perchance?

What a strange, strange line.

GALAHAD (through slightly gritted teeth): No…The Black Knight!

MODRED: Oh, this is indeed a coincidence…I, too, seek The Black Knight…

A little too much of a coinky-dink, if you ask me.

GALAHAD: We found his horse but a stone’s throw from here…

MODRED: Yes…I know…from the hills I saw him ride this way…I’m afraid he has eluded us both…

GALAHAD: I’m not so sure…

“Since we both seek the same scoundrel, why not join forces and hunt him together?” Modred asks Galahad in the most insincere way possible.  I don’t know why Modred would throw in with Galahad, seeing as how he’s considered persona au gratin by Sir Kay (Jim Diehl) and the rest of that Camelot crowd.  But Galahad agrees to ride with Modred and his men, and extends his hand in truce, saying “And may the Black Knight live to regret this alliance.”

There is a scene shift to the ka-niggits and non-ka-niggit riding.  As they reach a clearing, Galahad raises his right hand.

MODRED: Why do you stop here?

GALAHAD: Look behind that rock…

MODRED: I see nothing there…

GALAHAD: Behind yon rock is an excellent place for a fugitive to hide…

MODRED: No better than any other place…

GALAHAD: Nevertheless, I’m going to chance a look…

MODRED: While we waste time here The Black Knight puts further distance between us!

GALAHAD: Haven’t you forgotten The Black Knight is on foot?

Silly ka-niggit!  Your powers of deduction are no match for Galahad—private detective!  So everyone dismounts, and Galahad, Bors and Modred walk off toward the rock.  Beyond the rock, the three men find a cave…which they enter…and Bors finds a chest in one section of the cave.  Opening it, he finds…

BORS: Look! (Holding up a helmet) The Black Knight’s armor!

MODRED: Hmm…so it is!

A cloud of smoke, and the sword known as Excalibur is revealed to be embedded in an opposite wall.  Both Modred and Galahad rush over to retrieve it but are unable to budge it, and their attempts to grab the sword take on the dynamics of two kids fighting over who’s going to get the bigger stick.  This can only mean…

…yeah, another cloud of smoke…and Dad’s here to settle the argument.  Okay, I’m only kidding about this—it’s the evil magician Merlin hizzownself.

GALAHAD: Merlin!  (Merlin walks over to the wall, makes a few magic passes and removes Excalibur with ease) So you’re The Black Knight!

MODRED: You traitorous wizard!

MERLIN: I…a traitor?

Merlin then starts to chuckle…and you kind of have to hear him do it, but he’s always guffawing as if someone has just told him the most delightfully filthy joke.  Galahad then goes for his sword…

MERLIN: Stand back or run afoul of my magic!

GALAHAD (sheathing his sword): If you were true to Arthur you’d give me that sword!  That I may return it to him and thus fulfill my vow!

MERLIN: What do you say to this, Sir Modred?

MODRED: Galahad seeks to gain the sword for himself…toss it to me!

(Galahad then reaches for his sword again upon hearing Modred’s trash talk)

MERLIN: Save your strength…since you choose to brawl among yourselves, neither of you is worthy of the sword…

I was wrong.  He is the “Dad” in this piece.  (“If you two can’t play nice, then you shan’t play at all!”)  And so he walks back to where he made his entrance, strikes a pose with Excalibur…and vanishes.  And of course, you remember how it always worked…once Dad was out of range, the fighting resumed.  Modred and Galahad exchange cold steel, with Galahad calling out to Bors: “No, Sir Bors!  He’s mine!”  There’s a bit of swordlery, but rather than Modred being run through by Galahad’s blade he sort of backs into one of the walls of the cave and knocks himself out…allowing Galahad and Bors to run like my nephew’s nose when he’s fighting off a cold.  (I wonder why you never see anyone seriously messed up from stab wounds in this thing?)  Our heroes, arriving back where the horses and the other ka-niggits are in wait, tell the two men “Sir Modred needs your help” and then saddle up for the horizon when the other men are out of sight.

Another scene shift finds Galahad and Bors pausing while their steeds have a much-needed drink from a creek.

BORS: Don’t be downhearted…the King of Ireland is a friend of mine…we can travel there and bask in luxury and comfort until…

GALAHAD: No…

BORS: I fear you wouldn’t…

GALAHAD: You think this to be a hopeless quest…do you not, Sir Bors?

BORS: I wouldn’t put it so bluntly…

“Though I probably wouldn’t refrain from using the term ‘clusterf**k’, either…”

BORS: …but where is our next turn?

GALAHAD: We have but one course left…to seek out Merlin…

BORS: But how will you combat his magic?

GALAHAD: I must decide that when the time comes…

Okay, this kind of gives you an indication why Galahad is—not to put too fine a point on it—a bit of a boob.  He never really seems to have any sort of plan in mind; he’s kind of…well, to borrow a phrase from a blockbuster released in 1981, “making it up as he goes along.”  And that’s why it’s taking him this long to get the silly sword back, nevertheless, against his better judgment Bors agrees to throw in with him.  “Well, I have but one life to give to adventure,” Bors tells him, insuring that future generations will remember him as Sir Bors the Muttonheaded.

So what’s a surefire way to flush out an evil magician?  If you can remember as far back as Chapter 1, Merlin got a little testy when Galahad went rompin’ and a-stompin’ around the Enchanted Forest, an area Merl considers “my domain.”  So Galahad and Bors venture back there in an attempt to basically cheese Merlin off.  As they enter the forest and are greeted by that creepy-ass owl, Bors looks off into the distance and sees a sumptuous repast prepared on a table a few yards away.  Licking his chops and grumbling his stomach, Bors walks over to help himself to a snack…

 ”A la peanut butter sandwiches!”  It vanishes before his very eyes.  Realizing that he’s fallen behind Galahad, Bors rushes to keep up with him…and then does a little bit of comedy with an enchanted tree (the tree’s root “kicks” Bors, then he’s tapped on the shoulder by one of the tree’s branches) that I swear I thought Bors was going to start hollering “Chick!!!”

But here’s the laugh-out-loud bit: the tree grabs Bors, and when Bors manages to wrest free he finds himself exchanging cold steel with it—yes, the tree has a sword of its own.

Then the tree vanishes…and Bors starts to seriously doubt his sanity.  He finally catches up to his friend.

BORS: Galahad…let’s turn back while the blood still runs in our veins…

GALAHAD: We’ve come this far…we must go on!

BORS (gesturing ahead of himself): No one ever comes back from there…it’s the valley of no return…

GALAHAD: Stay here if you wish…I’ll go on alone…

I think that’s probably best in the long run.  You gotta walk that lonesome valley.  You gotta walk it by yourself.  Ain’t nobody here can walk it for you.  You gotta walk it by yourself.  (So sayeth Sir Woody of Guthrie.)

A scene shift later finds Galahad and Bors (who decided to continue on with his pal) still trampling around in the Enchanted Forest, but unbeknownst to our friends, Merlin the Magician is right behind them standing on a rock.  A few more magic passes, and Excalibur appears embedded in another rock.  Both Galahad and Bors rush over to retrieve the sword.

Galahad pulls at the sword, but can’t get it to budge…so Bors gives him a helping hand.  That doesn’t help either.

GALAHAD: Let me try it alone…

BORS: I…I can’t!  My hands are fixed to the sword!

Yes indeedy they are!  Neither Bors nor Galahad are able to free their hands from Excalibur, and jovial ol’ Merlin walks down from his rock, chuckling at that same damn dirty joke again.

MERLIN: You got your wish…to lay hands on the sword!  And so you shall have the sword…for the rest of your natural life!  When your bones are picked clean…you will still be clinging to Excalibur…

Merlin…don’t take this personally…but you can be a real potzer sometimes.  Well, it doesn’t take long for you-know-who to make an entrance in order to stop Merlin’s dick move—the one-and-only Lady of the Lake (Lois Hall):

LADY OF THE LAKE: No!  They both shall live, Merlin!  Begone, Merlin!

In other words: “Hit the bricks!”  Merlin shuffles off, and why he just didn’t disappear in a shameful puff of smoke must be because they ran out of special effects money in this chapter.

GALAHAD: Once again, I’m grateful to you, Lady of the Lake…

“…for pulling my chestnuts out of the fire…”

LADY OF THE LAKE: Withdraw the sword, Galahad… (Both Galahad and Bors find that their hands are now freed, and Galahad removes Excalibur effortlessly from the rock)  Return it now to Arthur…its rightful owner…

And she fades away.  Which kind of begs the question—if Galahad just removed Excalibur from a stone…wouldn’t that now make him King of the Britons?

Well, we’ve precious little time to ponder such questions…because as Galahad and Bors go looking for their horses, they walk past that same rock that Merlin was standing on.  He’s still standing (yeah yeah yeah), and with a few magic passes he conjures up…

…the Black Knight!  No, wait…

…another Black Knight!  Hang on…

…a third Black Knight!  (Kind of reminds me of a song in Danny Kaye’s The Court Jester.)  Well, since Merlin is going to thumb his sorcerer’s nose at the Lake Lady, it’s clear to one and all that it’s clobberin’ time.  Bors starts to move toward the Knights to help Galahad but Galahad waves him off.  “Leave me…I’ll meet them…do what I tell you!  With Excalibur I cannot fail!”

And that’s what Tennessee Tuxedo would always tell Chumley, about the time he’d bollix something up beyond recognition.  Galahad doesn’t disappoint…

Take it away, Knox Manning!

MANNING: What new danger confronts Bors?

I don’t know who that actor is holding Bors, but if I had to wager I think his Mom may have known Rondo Hatten…in the biblical sense, that is.

MANNING: Is King Arthur’s queen to be a prisoner of The Black Knight?