Adventures of Sir Galahad – Chapter 15: Galahad’s Triumph

OUR STORY SO FAR: Through fourteen chapters of reckless, exciting derring-do, apprentice ka-niggit Galahad (George Reeves) has struggled to retrieve the invincible sword known as Excalibur and return it to its rightful owner, Arthur, King of the Britons (Nelson Leigh).  (The reason for this is that he’s the dillweed who was responsible for its disappearance in the first place.)  His ka-niggithood paperwork on hold until he accomplishes this task, Galahad—along with his comic relief sidekick Sir Bors (Charles King)—has gone toe-to-toe with the mysterious individual who made off with the sword, The Black Knight (voiced by Paul Frees): a foul villain in alliance with Arthur’s rival, the skeevy Saxon king Ulric (John Merton)…and Ulric’s questionably loyal chamberlain, T.T. Bartog (Don C. Harvey).  (The “T.T.” stands for “the treacherous.”)

Galahad has long suspected Sir Modred (Leonard Penn) of being The Black Knight, but his accusations have alienated him from both Arthur and Bors.  Last week, Galahad secretly entered Camelot via a secret passageway (known to everyone in the friggin’ kingdom but Arthur) and found his remaining ally, Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser), chained to a dungeon wall after being tortured by The Black Knight’s goons.  Releasing Lancelot, Galahad “penetrates further into the palace” (I swear—this is how announcer Knox Manning describes it in the opening of Chapter 15) and finds Modred and T. Bartog discussing their abominable plan to rid themselves of Arthur once and for all.  But when Galahad’s singular footwear gives away his hiding place, Modred traps him behind some curtains…and the two villains plan to run him in with their swords…

…not so fast, evildoers!  The quick-thinking Galahad quickly smothers the two men with the large tapestry, and grins at his resourcefulness.

Back in the dungeon, Galahad returns to Lancelot to brag about what a clever little sod he is.

GALAHAD: Lancelot…

LANCELOT: You found Queen Guinevere?

GALAHAD: No…but I have information that must get to King Arthur at once—hurry!

Making their way out of Camelot via that oh-so-familiar passageway, the two men are able to reach the outside of the gates…and in the space where Galahad parked his horse earlier—there are now two horses to accommodate both riders.  Where did the other horse come from?  Well, I suppose we could speculate that the first horse was a boy and the second a girl and those things just happen in nature…but the short explanation is simply: writers be lazy!

LANCELOT: While I pause for breath, tell me what this information is…

GALAHAD: There’s evidence that Modred’s The Black Knight…he and Bartog have quarreled…

Well, everybody was saying it would never last.  “The rest will have to keep until we find Arthur,” finishes Galahad…and to give them incentive to do so, Modred and T. Bartog emerge from the main gate.

“There are your spies!” T. Bartog shouts accusingly.  (“Why are they covered with mince?”  “They’re mince spies!”  Yes, I waited a long while to use that.)

Galahad and Lancelot gallop off, much to T. Bartog’s puzzlement.

BARTOG: Will you not give chase?  I think they are Galahad and Lancelot…

MODRED: Oh, they are perhaps riding to Arthur…

BARTOG: Let us do something to stop them!

MODRED: Oh, let them go!  They will help shape my plan…

BARTOG: Are you not complicating matters?

MODRED: No…it’s simpler than you think…

“…and as cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on, and is now working for the UN at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning.”

MODRED (back inside the palace): Now is the time to proclaim The Black Knight lawful King of Britain!

Hypothetically—how should we formally address him?  King Black?  King Knight?  B.K.?

BARTOG: The interests of the Knight are dear to us both…I’ll be glad to help…

Oh, you’d sell your own mother into prostitution if the tariff was right.

MODRED: Your help is priced too high…we can manage without it…

BARTOG: You’re very sure, Modred…do you think King Arthur will not resist this move?

MODRED (with an evil smile): The Black Knight has the sword Excalibur…no one can win against that…

BARTOG: Where is this sword?

MODRED: I have it here…left in my care…

“Come,” beckons Modred.  “See for yourself!”  The two men walk over to where Excalibur would usually be hanging in the Sword Room, and Modred activates a hidden panel (another castle feature to which Arthur is oblivious, I’m guessing).  Reaching in to remove the sword…he finds bupkis!  (Cue the sad trombone!)

BARTOG: It would seem the confidence of The Black Knight has been misplaced…

MODRED: It could not have been Galahad that took it…he didn’t have time enough for that!

BARTOG: The name of the thief is unimportant…but if that sword should reach Arthur…

“You would be seriously screwed, mon ami.”

BARTOG: Now if you had Ulric as an ally…in time to meet Arthur’s attack…

MODRED (after a pause): The Black Knight can weave a web of his own…well, come to the point, Bartog—will you arrange this alliance?

BARTOG: If The Black Knight will double the rewards promised…

MODRED: He will…now ride to Ulric and ride fast!

There is a fade-out, and then a fade-in as King Arthur, Sir Bors, Sir Kay (Jim Diehl) and several nameless ka-niggits are shown resting in a field.  Sir Gawain (Rick Vallin) rides up and approaches his king.

ARTHUR: Do you bring news of the Queen?

GAWAIN: No, Your Majesty…

“Excellent!  Let’s head for the Titty Twister, men!”

GAWAIN: Our search has been in vain…

KAY: Every courier brings the same words, Sire…Queen Guinevere is not to be found here…

ARTHUR: I will not give up until…

“Until I so advise!” booms a voice in the distance.  It belongs to the mighty magician known as Merlin (William Fawcett), who has apparently decided to forego his usual puff-of-smoke entrance (they must be running out of budget).

MERLIN: I counsel you now…return to Camelot!

ARTHUR: Why come you here, Merlin?

MERLIN: To tell you that your destiny will be fulfilled in Camelot…

ARTHUR: But what of my Queen?

“And the Jack?  And the ten of diamonds as well?”

MERLIN: You will lose her forever…and your kingdom, too…unless you do as I say…

KAY: Merlin’s wisdom is great, Sire…

“Though, granted, his social skills suck pond water…”

ARTHUR (after a reflective pause): So be it…do you ride with us, Merlin?

MERLIN: No, Sire…there are other things for me to do…no less urgent than this…

Whatever fries your chicken, Merle.  So Arthur and the ka-niggits ride off, and Merlin places the budget in jeopardy by vanishing in a cloud of smoke.

As for those no less urgent things that Merlin has to do…well, one of them is to confront Galahad and Lancelot as the two men ride furiously down one of the kingdom’s many roads.  Again, Merlin chooses not to do any fancy-schmancy smoke crap, but merely step out in sight as if he were bumming a ride or something.

GALAHAD (as he and Lancelot come to a halt): Merlin…I’d not thought to find you here…

MERLIN: Save your breath and sharpen your hearing, Galahad…

I guess that’s his polite way of telling him to help himself to some Roast STFU.

MERLIN: Arthur is in dire need of your help…

GALAHAD: We’re here for no other reason but to give it!

MERLIN: Listen well…Arthur is on his way to Camelot…The Black Knight means to destroy him once he arrives…

LANCELOT: Why aren’t you there to prevent it?

Thank you!  I’m glad to see at least one other person who’s been wondering what the hell Merlin’s purpose in this serial is.

MERLIN: ‘Cause I can work only through Galahad…

“After all—this isn’t Adventures of Merlin, you know…”

MERLIN: …it is for him to take to Arthur the one thing that will save him…the sword—Excalibur!

GALAHAD: But The Black Knight has Excalibur!

MERLIN: The sword has been placed in the kingdom of the Lady of the Lake…

Well—what the hell is it doing there?  Honest to my grandma, I think you guys are just winging this last chapter.

MERLIN: You must get it from her…

“I’d do it myself…but I was supposed to call her after we went out to dinner last week, and…well, you know how it is…”

GALAHAD: How must this be done, Merlin?

I like how Reeves pronounces “Merlin”—the “mer” sounds more like “mare” than “mur.”

MERLIN: She lives in the Enchanted Forest near the Pool of Eternal Mist…

“It’s next to a Starbucks…you can’t miss it.”

MERLIN: You will endure many perils…but unless you do…Arthur will lose his crown…and his life…

“So it’s all on you, Gallie my boy.  Don’t f**k this up.”

GALAHAD: I’ll do my best…

LANCELOT: And I shall stand at your side…

GALAHAD (shaking his head): Galahad must make this journey alone, Lancelot…you join the King in Camelot…make haste, Galahad…time is fast running out!

You’ve got about nine minutes left in the chapter, son.  “I’ll see you soon in Camelot,” Galahad tells his friend, who sends him off with “Good fortune be with you, Galahad!”  The two men ride off in opposite directions, and from the expression on Merlin’s face…

…it’s as if he’s thinking: “Maybe I should have hitched a ride back.”  So there’s a scene shift to Camelot, and the gates of the castle open to allow T. Bartog to come riding in with King Ulric and several of his men.  That dink Modred is waiting to greet his guests.

MODRED: Welcome to Camelot, King Ulric!

ULRIC: I had not thought to come as a guest…

“Also, I just noticed something…this is only a model!”  Modred enthusiastically informs his “guests” that The Black Knight will receive them in the Great Hall.  (But first, he must change into his Black Knight disguise in the Not-So-Great Hall.)  He then plants his sloppy carcass on Arthur’s throne, and Ulric tells him he must be very grateful for the treason that permeates the kingdom.

BLACK KNIGHT: I understood that you came to form an alliance against Arthur…

ULRIC: I will do that…so long as it serves my interests…

BLACK KNIGHT; Good!  Let’s deal with Arthur first…and slit each other’s throats later…

BARTOG: Well spoken, Your Majesty…

Seriously, dude…is there an ass you won’t kiss?

BLACK KNIGHT: Here is my plan…we will dispose our forces so that the courtyard is completely surrounded…when Arthur and his knights arrive, we shall let them enter through the gate…

ULRIC: And then…fall upon them!  With our superior numbers…we will destroy the King…and wipe out the entire Round Table with one stroke!

So while Ulric and the Knight are fomenting their plan to wipe out Arthur and his ka-niggits with one stroke, Galahad is busily traipsing about in the Enchanted Forest, looking for The Pool of Eternal Mist.  (A brief bit of crosscutting shows Arthur and his men riding hard toward Camelot, with Lancelot galloping furiously behind to catch up.)  But unfortunately, Galahad gets entangled in The Vine of Eternal Clusterfudge, which he manages to escape but not before doing this:

He hits it with his sword in a Joe Besser fashion, as if to say “Oh, you craaazy vine!  I’ll harm you!”  He then walks a little way, and finds the Pond of Relentless Fog or whatever the hell Merlin called it.  The Lady of the Lake (Lois Hall) slowly appears, carrying Excalibur.  (Lake Lady only appears in three chapters of this serial—and yet she gets fifth-billing.  Lois had a hell of an agent.)

GALAHAD: Excalibur!

LADY OF THE LAKE: I have taken it from those who seek to use its power for evil purposes…

GALAHAD: Arthur has grave need of it…

LADY OF THE LAKE: It would be better if the sword were destroyed forever…

I have no quibble with this.  Anyone who declares himself king just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at him…

GALAHAD: You do Arthur an injustice, my lady…

LADY OF THE LAKE: How so?

GALAHAD: He’s a good and righteous king…deny him Excalibur and…he will lose his kingdom…

LADY OF THE LAKE: Well spoken, Galahad…you are truly brave of heart…

“And a first-class sycophant.”

LADY OF THE LAKE: Arthur should be proud to dub you knight…

GALAHAD: Arthur has banished me from his realm…

LADY OF THE LAKE: Take the sword…you’ll find a charger in the trees…

“Make sure you return it in time or it’s an extra ten sovereigns a day.”

LADY OF THE LAKE: Ride swiftly to Camelot…your wish shall soon be granted…

Annnnd she’s outta there.  So Galahad walks off in the direction of the charger—which turns out not to be a Dodge, but a horse…though it is not “in the trees,” as the Lake Lady told him.  But don’t dawdle, Gallie—you’ve only got five more minutes left in this thing!

Meanwhile, back at the model…er, castle…Arthur and his ka-niggits come riding in like they own the place.  (Oh…wait…they do.)  Lancelot rides in a second after…

LANCELOT: Sire—we must leave before it’s too late!

ARTHUR: Leave Camelot?

T. Bartog and The Black Knight enter the courtyard, swords a-blazin’.  (I guess this classifies “too late.”)  Soon, members of the resistance join the two traitors, and the fight between rebels and knights is on.

Hurry up, Galahad!

The fight moves into the castle: Arthur tangles with the Black Knight, Lancelot with T. Bartog, and Sir Bors is assigned the task of exchanging cold steel with Ulric.  I love the back flip over the table this stunt guy does:

Finally, Galahad arrives at Camelot.  (Unfortunately, he came too late to save that poor slob sucking up dirt on the ground.)

“Here I am, you lucky people!”  Bors is glad to see his old pal, to the point of knocking Ulric on his ass, along with a pair of halyards.  But as Ulric gets to his feet and makes plans to spear Bors like a cocktail onion, we hear the whine of Excalibur and watch it plunge into the Saxon King like a Nestea drinker in a swimming pool.

There was no blood on the sword when it was removed from Ulric, by the way—that’s how cleanly it slices!  “Sire!  Excalibur!” Galahad cries out as he tosses the sword to Arthur…who’s badly in need of some weaponry, owing to The Black Knight’s furious fighting skills.  Arthur, in a move that Moe, Larry and Curly would have been proud of, hits The Black Knight on the head with Excalibur and knocks him to the ground, where his helmet rolls off and reveals his true identity.

ARTHUR: Modred!  So you are the traitor…

“I was expecting Paul Frees.”  Getting to his feet, Modred snarls: “You’ll never live to hang me.”  But he’s forgotten that Arthur is wielding the invincible sword, and he is quickly run through with Excalibur…prompting everyone in the room to observe: “You’ll never live to be hung.”

Just as T. Bartog is planning to insert a dagger in the fleshy part of Lancelot during their swordplay, Galahad comes to Lancelot’s rescue.  T. Bartog did not survive as long as he has without knowing when he’s licked.  Dropping his sword, he begins to whimper like a dog: “Spare me!”

GALAHAD: Command your men to surrender!

BARTOG: Lay down your arms!  Our cause is lost…Excalibur has been returned to Arthur…

Yeah…a little late to suck up now, pilgrim.  The camera moves in on a close up of Arthur’s hand, wielding Excalibur…and then we dissolve to another shot of that hand, as it prepares to rectify the events of Chapter 1.

ARTHUR: …be it known to all assembled here and all the peoples of the realm…that you have served me faithfully…your deeds have been brave and courageous…

“And about ten chapters too long…”

ARTHUR: …it can truly be said that you have won the right…to sit at the Round Table…I dub thee…Knight…rise, Sir Galahad…

“Arise, Sir Loin of Beef…arise, Earl of Cloves…arise, Duke of Brittingham…arise, Baron of Munchausen…arise, Essence of Myrrh…Milk of Magnesia…Quarter of Ten…”

Everyone is in attendance in the Great Hall witnessing Galahad’s ceremony…even Queen Guinevere (Marjorie Stapp) and Morgan le Fay (Pat Barton), whose whereabouts all this time I guess will remain a writers’ mystery (particularly since it would appear that Morgan was in cahoots with the Forces of Darkness that put the snatch on Guin in the first place).  No, the authors of Adventures of Sir Galahad will concentrate the serial’s remaining seconds on the bromance between Bors and our hero.

BORS: Sir Galahad…let the course of your knighthood run smooth…and may it be beyond suspicion…

“Keep your nose in the wind and your tail to yourself.”  Now I know what you’re thinking—what was the deal with Merlin playing both sides against the middle during this entire adventure?

MERLIN: If my actions were strange…they were meant only to prove Modred a traitor…and Galahad a true knight…

“Sure, I could have saved that doomed victim in the subway with my magic…but I merely sought to stop the train with my entrance puff of smoke…there is always a purpose to my dickishness.”  Oh, brother.  You couldn’t have just said: “Hey, Art—Modred’s a traitor.  Oh, and you should promote Galahad while you’re at it.”

BORS: Then we’ll have no more of your magic…

MERLIN: You’ll get none from me!

Morgan, on the other hand, is still keeping it up with the nose twitching.  As Galahad and Bors head for the exit, she waves her hand and…

BORS: Galahad!  Galahad!  Galahad!

“Oh, Chiiiiiick…”  Well, a good cast is worth repeating:

…and unless there’s a massive GOTV effort for Jungle Raiders in the next twelve hours, our next Serial Saturdays presentation will either be The Desert Hawk or Don Winslow of the Navy.  We look forward to having you join us!