Mayberry Mondays #69: “The Kid from Hong Kong” (01/18/71, prod. no. 0317)

Everybody’s favorite television small town is back after a two-week vacation (just in time to close out 2012) and while I’d dearly love to be able to report that it’s upped the laugh quotient substantially during that hiatus…that would be a big stinky fib.  Particularly since this week’s installment centers on the antics of the son of poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry)—the adorable moppet known to one and all here at TDOY as Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster).  This is such a Mike-centric episode that there’s barely room for a brief appearance from pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson), which means Stacia has now wandered off…and there will be no developments from beloved village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey), fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) or bakery shop doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka).  (It will not be easy to cope, chillun.)

I should also point out that after we come to the end of this write-up, there will be just nine more installments of Mayberry Mondays before the blog takes on The Doris Day Show in a new Thrilling Days of Yesteryear feature entitled Doris Days.  Recently I asked volunteers from the TDOY faithful to vote on whether I should initially run this on Tuesdays in keeping with the sitcom’s debut on that night in its first season (it then moved to Mondays in Year Two, following Mayberry R.F.D. for two years) or just do it on Mondays for the entire run.  By a 9-7 tally, Doris Days will take over on Mondays as soon as the R.F.D. episodes are completed.  (I kind of got a chuckle at seeing the results because 56% of you were essentially saying: “You obsess over this stuff way too much.”)

On with today’s episode!  It kicks off with Mike the Idiot Boy in repose in his bedroom as chief cook and bottle washer Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley) enters with a load of clean laundry.  She then grabs Mike’s shoulders and pulls him to his bed roughly, where they…hold on—that’s from some fan fic someone sent me via e-mail (and Lordy, do I wish they hadn’t).  Instead, Alice does a clever bit of comic business where she raises Mike’s feet like a drawbridge in order to get to his closet…and upon opening it, is nearly buried in a pile of clothing and other bric-a-brac…

“Dadrat the dadratted…gotta straighten out that closet one of these days.”  Mike then asks Alice if she wants to see “something real neat.”

“I’d consider it a blessing,” she responds, producing in me a small chuckle.

MIKE: Take a look at this camera… (Alice walks over and looks over Mike’s shoulder at a catalog he’s perusing) I think I’ll send away for it…

ALICE: Well, that looks kind of expensive to me, Mike…don’t you think you should discuss it with your father?

As if it were scripted, the man claiming to be Mike’s father enters the bedroom and asks: “Hmm?  Discuss what?”

MIKE: This…uh…camera here…I was thinking of sending away for it…

ALICE (walking past the two of them): Excuse me…

SAM: Oh? (He sits down on the bed next to Mike)

MIKE: But I don’t think I will…it only costs twenty dollars…

SAM: Only twenty dollars?

MIKE: Yeah!  I mean…if you’ve got thirty-five dollars to spend—why settle for twenty?

SAM: You’ve got thirty-five dollars to spend?

“That milk money extortion racket I’ve got going on at school is pretty sweet, Pa…”

MIKE: Well…I saved it up this month…for doing odd jobs after school and stuff…

SAM: Wait…wait…you made thirty-five dollars just from doing odd jobs for a month?

“Why the hell am I still farming?”  Mike, to his credit, comes clean and admits that a portion of his largesse—twenty-five dollars of it—came from some birthday money he received from relatives.  “Five from Aunt Elsie…and the rest from my twenty-dollar uncle in Cleveland!” Mike says excitedly.  (It’s not important to know the uncle from Cleveland’s name—but it’s “Ray,” for those keeping score at home—only that he’s the source of a double sawbuck when the chips are down.)

SAM (sighing): Look…Mike…it seems to me that you actually only…earned…ten dollars of that money—so it’s fair that you spend that much on yourself…but now as for the rest of it…

MIKE: Uh-oh…I bet you want me to do something sensible with it…

“Yes, I do.  I’ll need you to stake me in that poker game tonight at The Royal Order of the Golden Door to Good Fellowship.”

SAM: Now, look—there’s nothing wrong with being sensible…

MIKE: Except that always means that I don’t get the money…

SAM: Now, that’s not true, Mike…you have built up a very respectable bank account through being sensible…

MIKE: Yeah…when I go in the bank, Mr. Haller says hello…and it’s neat when they stamp in your interest…

From Mike’s mention of “Mr. Haller,” this would seem to indicate that Cyrus Tankersley (George Cisar), Mayberry’s resident capitalist swine, has retired from the world of town banking.  Cyrus’ last appearance on the show was in the R.F.D. classic “The Caper,” and I speculated then that they might have given him his walking papers as a result of Howard’s attempt to hold up the bank (even though Cyrus was referenced on subsequent episodes).

SAM: You bet it is!  So…I suggest you put…say…uh…oh…fifteen dollars of that money in your savings account…

MIKE: Well…that still leaves me with ten…

SAM: Yeah, I know…and I was thinking…uh…you remember last Sunday when…Reverend Keith talked about charity—about helping others?

MIKE: Kinda…

“Oh, who am I kidding—I was fast asleep by that time…”

SAM: Uh-huh…well, now don’t you think it would be nice if you gave that money to somebody less fortunate than yourself?

“Less fortunate than me?  Who would qualify?  You’re certainly not making any money from this alleged farm of yours…”

MIKE (sighing): Okay…whatever you say, Pa…

SAM: Now…now I’m not forcing you into this…it’s just that I would be very disappointed in you, Mike, if you went out and spent all that money on yourself…now I’m sure you can understand that…

MIKE: Yeah…well, I guess if I’m going to be sensible…somebody ought to get some good out of it…

A scene shift finds Mike in conference with this man…

…he’s also been referenced on the show a time or two, but this is his first actual appearance (one of two—he later turns up in the episode “Goober, the Elder” even though he’s billed as just “Minister”) on the program.  With his third movie role, that of Dr. Arthur Carrington—the eggheaded scientist who foolishly wants to befriend the carrot alien played by James Arness—in The Thing From Another World, Robert Cornthwaite later became the prototype for eccentric scientists in films like Monkey Business and the original The War of the Worlds.  His other notable screen appearances include Stranger on Horseback, Kiss Me Deadly, Day of the Outlaw, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken, Futureworld and Matinee (as the mad doctor in the movie-within-the-movie, MANT).

Cornthwaite also had a lengthy television legacy, guest-starring on the likes of The Adventures of Jim Bowie, Perry Mason, Rawhide, Get Smart (as CONTROL scientist Professor Windish), The F.B.I., Batman and Dynasty.  His best-known boob tube work is probably that of Alzheimer patient Howard Buss, who appeared in several episodes of Picket Fences—Howard got to be mayor of Rome before they croaked him in the second season.  Because my familiarity with Cornthwaite resides in both Fences and The Thing, it’s a bit of a chore for me picturing him in charge of Mayberry’s church.

KEITH: Ten dollars…it’s very generous of you, Michael…

MIKE: Yes, sir…

“Now you make sure my family gets a seat up front for Sunday services from now on—capice?”

KEITH: You know…as long as it’s coming from a child—perhaps it should go to a child…

MIKE: Hey, that’s a good idea!  Do you know somebody?

“I have the very person in mind…I have a son…his name is…er…Brian!  Brian Keith, that’s his name…”

KEITH: Well…let’s see here… (He begins to rummage through his desk drawer, and then pulls out a folder) Ah…here we are…how’d you like to send a child to school?  For a whole year?

MIKE: For ten dollars?!!

Reverend Keith then informs Mike that there’s a mission school in Hong Kong where the tuition for one year is one sawbuck, where a young child can get a good education before going to work in a sweatshop factory to make clothes for Wal-Mart.  (It also provides food for the youngster, in case a hungry Sally Struthers comes skulking around.)  Okay, I am being a little facetious here—but it will allow Mike the Idiot Child to become a “foster parent” with his ten bucks admission.

MIKE: If that’s the way it works, that’s okay with me…

KEITH: Good!  All we have to do is…fill out the forms…send it along with the money…I’ll…uh…I’ll write it out for you if you’d like…

MIKE: Hey, that’s cool!  I mean…thank you, Reverend Keith…

Cornthwaite’s odd, hesitant phrasing in his portrayal of the Rev curiously makes me think he’s planning to take that ten-spot down to the track later.  “And Mike…I think your gift is going to mean a lot to some deserving child,” he tells our young doofus as solemn music swells on the soundtrack.  (“Her name is Bambi…she’s promised me a lap dance later this evening.”)

We then shift our scenery to the mission school in Hong Kong, and this would seem to suggest that Reverend Keith isn’t dipping into the collection plate to play the ponies now and then, particularly since this guy…

…is playing the part of the man o’the cloth what runs the jernt.  He’s character great Phil Chambers, who graced more TV westerns than you’ve had hot dinners—guest-starring on the likes of Tales of Wells Fargo, Gunsmoke, Bonanza, Daniel Boone and The Big Valley.  He appeared on non-Western shows, too, like Perry Mason, Lassie and The F.B.I.—Phil even turned up a few times on The Andy Griffith Show as the hotel clerk.  But his regular boob tube paycheck came in the form of his co-starring role as Sgt, Myles Magruder in the 1957 syndicated western adventure The Gray Ghost.  His movie appearances include The Big Heat, Executive Suite, Rogue Cop, Backlash and A Day of Fury.

REVEREND (to a little girl): I have very good news for you…you now have a foster father…

KIM: I do?  Where did I get him?

REVEREND: He’s an American…his name is Mr. Michael Jones and he lives in Mayberry, North Carolina…

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”  The child actress playing the role of Kim the Orphan (her real name is Kim Lee, but I like my way better) is identified in the closing credits as Teresa Jaw.  She gets no mention at the always reliable IMDb (though she is listed at TV.com) and as such this would seem to be her only television appearance.  Far be it from me to speculate on why this is so, but it could either be that her parents felt a show business career wasn’t in her future…or because she is a horrible actress.  (I’m voting the latter, in case you were curious.)

KIM: Mr. Michael Jones…that is a nice name…I wonder is he tall with big smile like Americans in comic books?

REVEREND: I wouldn’t be surprised!

Ohhhhhhhh…yes you would.  He’s short and nerdy and a shoo-in to cop the class award of “Most Likely to Be Tossed into the Girls’ Locker Room.”  I’m going to abbreviate most of the Kim the Orphan scenes for the simple reason that the little girl will get on your wick after a while: suffice it to say, Kim is so excited about having a foster father that she is going to brag to her friend Lin Yang.  The Reverend then tells her that she should compose a letter to her new patron, and that she will include a copy of her report card despite doing poorly in mathematics.  (I will let you make the obvious joke here.)

Back in the U.S.A., Alice is on kitchen patrol when Mike enters Casa Del Jones through the back door.  “Hi, Mike,” Alice greets the foster dad.  “Have a nice day?”

“A nice day?  I was in school,” he laments.  Alice then alerts him to a letter that awaits on the kitchen table.

MIKE: Hey!  It’s from that mission school in Hong Kong!  (He opens the letter) They probably want to thank me for that ten dollars…

Or if experience has taught me anything, they’re probably going to hit you up for more.

ALICE (observing that Mike is squinting at the letter): What’s the matter?

MIKE (starting to read): “Most honorable father”?  This must be for Pa…

ALICE: No, it was addressed to you… (She walks over to the table) See?

MIKE: Mr. Michael Jones…hey!

ALICE: What does it say?

MIKE (reading): “I am filled with the great happiness that you are going to be my foster father…”  Hey—it’s signed, “Your devoted daughter, Kim Lee”…

ALICE: Daughter?

“Don’t call me daughter/Not fit to/The picture kept will remind me…”

MIKE: Oh, yeah…when I gave Reverend Keith the money—he said something about a foster parent plan…and how I helped some kid get through a mission school…

ALICE: Oh, I see…well…what else does she say?

MIKE: “I am filled with the great happiness that you are going to be my foster father…and much pleased that you help me stay here in mission school…I hope I will be worthy of you…I am sending you a picture of me, so you can see if you like me…your devoted daughter, Kim Lee…”

“Well—what a pretty child!” gushes Alice as she gives the photo the once-over.  (“But she’s so foreign!”)  Then Mike finds the enclosed report card, and glancing at that comments: “Uh oh…she’s not doing any better in arithmetic than I am.”  (Well, that’s because you’re a moron, Mike.)

“Maybe it runs in the family,” jokes Alice.  Mike then hurries off in search of Sam to inform him of his Asian child bride, and finds him pretending to repair some sort of farm implement.  “Pa,” Mike asks him, “I know what a parent is—but what’s a foster?

Fighting back the temptation to tell him it’s “beer” in an Aussie accent, Sam explains to Mike that “it’s almost as if you adopted her, Mike—but not really.”

SAM: I mean…now she has someone to look up to as a father…and I supposed she now feels like she’s part of a family, even though she’s in Hong Kong and you’re here in Mayberry...make sense?

MIKE: I guess…here’s her picture… (He shows it to Sam)

SAM: Aw…say—she’s cute!

MIKE: She’s more than cute, Pa—she’s my daughter!

Mike then rattles off Kim the Orphan’s grades to Sam; with a special emphasis on the “D” she received in arithmetic.  But Sam is preoccupied with fixing his implement (snicker) and ignores Mike because he has to contact Elliott’s Hardware for a gasket for his valve “and he might have to order it from Raleigh.”  Sam walks off and Mike whines: “Boy…if I get a ‘D’ he blows his stack…”

The scene then shifts to the spacious office of Mistah Howard Sprague, county clerk—who, after collecting fifty cents from Mike, stamps a renewal on his bicycle license and lets him know “now you can ride your bike for another year without any legal misgivings.”  Mike isn’t the brightest kid in that town, but you would think he’d know better than to ask Howard what ensues, particularly if he has someplace to be.  (But if he asked someone like Emmett, he’d probably have to listen to a racist diatribe for the next several hours.)

MIKE: Mr. Sprague…have you ever been to Hong Kong?

HOWARD: No, Mike…no, unfortunately I haven’t—and it’s one of the great regrets of my life…although I am familiar with its colorful background and history!

MIKE: Do you know anything about the people who live there?

Man, this kid is a glutton for punishment.

HOWARD: Well…I believe that Hong Kong is mainly inhabited by the Chinese…and I certainly have a great deal of respect for their customs and traditions…

Howard goes on to explain to Mike that family relationships among the Chinese are different in that the children are never disrespectful to their parents, and that their parents are fiercely devoted to them.  “I mean, they know the children look to them for guidance and…well, they’re always more ready and willing to give them the benefit of their sage wisdom,” Howard further pontificates.

Mike is taken with this concept of “sage wisdom.”  “Boy,” he tells Howard, “for a guy who’s not a teacher or anything you sure know a lot of good junk.”  As he heads for the door, Howard stops him:

HOWARD: Mike?  You got me kind of curious, Mike…why this sudden interest in Hong Kong?

MIKE: I’ve got a daughter there!

Which prompts a priceless deadpan from Howard.  (Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment.)  The scene then shifts to Mike’s bedroom, where our foster daddy sits at his typewriter, hunting and pecking a letter to Kim the Orphan.  A kid enters, carrying a baseball mitt, and Mike addresses him as Richard…

…he’s played by child actor Brian Morrison, who, unlike the young thespian playing Kim the Orphan, did go on to greater television glory as Philip Traynor, grandson of Maude Findlay (Bea Arthur) on the 70s sitcom Maude.  (Morrison was replaced by Kraig Metzinger in the show’s final season.)  Nowadays, Morrison makes his living as a special effects technician on films such as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and Sleepy Hollow.  Morrison’s Richard would seem to be a substitute for Mike’s usual playmate, Harold Henderson (child pugilist Richard S. “Fishface” Steele)—he makes a second appearance in a later episode, “Goober, the Hero,” so perhaps Steele had fights scheduled the day these episodes were filmed.

RICHARD: Hey!  Who taught you how to run a typewriter?

MIKE: Nobody!  When you use just one finger you can teach yourself…

RICHARD: You use it for homework?

MIKE: Nah…just for important stuff…I’m writing my daughter a letter…

Richard is apparently out of the grade school loop, since he’s a bit puzzled as to how Mike could have a daughter if “you don’t even have a wife.”  Idiot Boy explains to his pal the whole “foster father” deal, and then proceeds to read him what he’s typed so far.

MIKE: “Dear devoted daughter Kim Lee…nice to hear from you, and get your report card—except for that ‘D’ in arithmetic, which makes me very disappointed…”

RICHARD: You gonna write some more?

MIKE: Yeah…besides telling her to try harder in arithmetic, I’m gonna tell her to take good care of her tonsils…and brush her teeth, and keep ‘em straight and all that stuff!

RICHARD: That’s a good idea!

MIKE: You know, Richard…I never knew us fathers had so many problems…

It’s a good thing they decide to break for some words from General Foods at this point in the narrative, because this oh-so-cutesy “Mike as father” crap is starting to make me a little nauseous.  I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really miss Goober and Emmett.

Back from the commercial break, we find Mike back at the typewriter, passing along “sage wisdom” to his little Hong Kong chippie about wearing her scarf and brushing her teeth.  Also, too: “When you do your homework, it does no good to copy the answers from the back of the book.  The teacher will ask you how you did the problem.”

The scenery then shifts to the mission school, where Reverend Chambers is praising Kim the Orphan’s progress in arithmetic—on her most recent test, she only got three answers wrong.

“Next time maybe none wrong,” the kid burbles.  “Then I will write to Honorable Foster Father once more, so he will know that I am trying harder.”  The audience’s hopes that Kim the Orphan will instead wind up in a Hong Kong house of pleasure are dashed, however, with a knock on the door that signals the arrival of an American couple, Mr. and Mrs. Kenworthy.

We’ve met the actor playing Kenworthy on Mayberry Mondays before—he’s Charles Bateman, who appeared as Sam’s lecherous Army buddy Charlie Harris in “Millie and the Palm Springs Golf Pro.”  The role of Madam Kenworthy is essayed by Jean Powell, who in addition to playing “Sally Phillips” was the co-author of the 1955 Roger Corman-directed The Fast and the Furious, according to the IMDb  Apart from that contribution to cinema, Howell has also appeared in films such as Apache Woman, Crime of Passion, Who’ll Stop the Rain and Superstar (the last film a truly remarkable feat in that she died three years before it was released in theaters—I think there’s some credit confusion here)—and made the rounds guesting on the likes of TV’s Dragnet, Trackdown, Dennis the Menace, The Loretta Young Show and many others.  Old-time radio fans know her as the wife of actor Larry Thor, who’s best known as detective Danny Clover on Broadway’s My Beat and the one-time announcer for Suspense; the two of them worked together on a Crime Classics broadcast entitled “The Terrible Deed of John White Webster” (07/13/53).

REVEREND (to Kim Lee): You remember Mr. and Mrs. Kenworthy—they stopped by to visit you last week!

“It was Orphan Photo Opportunity Day!”

MRS. KENWORTHY: We’ve reached a decision…

REVEREND: And?

KENWORTHY: We decided we’d like to adopt a little girl… (Turning to Kim) Named Kim Lee…

REVEREND: You know what that means, Kim Lee?

“I get to knock off early at the Apple parts factory?”

MRS. KENWORTHY: Well…we don’t have any children of our own…

“My insides are a rocky place where Mr. Kenworthy’s seed can find no purchase.”

MRS. KENWORTHY: …and…we’d like you to be our child and come and live with us in the United States…in Washington…

“And this has nothing to do whatsoever with my husband’s reelection campaign.”  Okay, I’ve kind of telegraphed a plot point here (Kenworthy is a Congressman) but nothing stands in my way when there’s a joke to be made.  Kim is a bit taken back by this turn of events, which prompts the Rev to observe: “This is often hard for them to absorb.”  Mr. K tells the Reverend that he and the missus will be in Hong Kong for the next two weeks, and asks him if the paperwork can be expedited so that little Kimmy can come to America A.S.A.P.  The Rev assures him all will be taken care of, and the couple leaves in a rather awkward fashion—I mean, they just met the little mook last week and they’ve already decided to adopt her?  You can’t tell me they don’t have ulterior motives.

REVEREND: Kim…you don’t seem to be too excited about this…you do like Mr. and Mrs. Kenworthy, don’t you?

“Put yourself in my shoes, Rev…I hadn’t planned on becoming a politician’s concubine so early in my childhood development.”

KIM: Oh, yes…

REVEREND: Well…won’t it be nice to have your own mother and father?

KIM: But I already have a father…

REVEREND: Mr. Jones?

“…and me/Stare at the beautiful women…”  Reverend Chambers tries to explain to Kim that Mr. Jones is just a dweeby kid from Mayberry with ten bucks burning a hole in his pocket and who’ll probably lose a finger in shop class some day while the Honorable Representative Kenworthy is the guy she’s gonna want to hitch her wagon to, even if he and his wife exploit the dickens out of her among their hoity-toity Washington friends.  So Kim asks the good Rev if she should write to Mike about her adoption: “Do you think it will please him?”

“Oh, yes…I’m sure he’ll be very pleased,” Chambers replies.  (I’m beginning to understand why they assigned this guy to a post in Hong Kong.)

MIKE (reading): “…I do not know if I want to go…so I hope you will write to me very soon…and tell me if you are pleased…”

SAM: Well…you don’t look too…happy about it, Mike…

MIKE: Well, gosh, Pa—how would you feel if you got a letter from your daughter…and she isn’t your daughter any more?

“If only I could get a letter like that about my son.”  Both Sam and Alice (who sucks at this whole counseling thing almost as much as her cousin; I’m starting to understand Stacia’s dislike for her, though she’s still not off the hook where Una Merkel and Thelma Ritter are concerned) try to tell Mike that this is really the best thing for Kim Lee: a nice home in Washington, and a family who (allegedly) love her.  “And now all your responsibilities will be over,” Sam concludes.  “You can stop worrying about her report cards and start worrying about your own.”

MIKE: But, Pa…I still say the least they coulda done was ask me about it!

SAM: Well, Mike—you weren’t really all that…deeply involved…I mean, you sent her some money to help her with her tuition…and you exchanged a few letters…but that’s all…

MIKE: I suppose so…

SAM: It was…it was a very nice gesture, Mike…and I’m sure she’s very grateful…but…now that she’s been adopted I’d say everything worked out just great!

Break out the peaches and cream, Cousin Alice!  But Mike is still pretty sulky about this whole situation—and in a scene dissolve, can be found sitting in bed reading Kim’s letter over and over again.  Outside his bedroom door, Sam is moseying down the hall when he sees Mike’s light on through the bottom and he knocks on his door, calling out his name.  Mike then turns off the light quickly and does his patented “pretend-to-be-asleep” gag that worked successfully in the coda to “The Harp”—but Sam has wised up a bit since then.

SAM: Mike…Mike, I know you’re awake…I saw the light under the door… (Mike turns on the lamp by his bed) Do you know it’s almost midnight?  Huh?  What are you doing up so late?

MIKE: Uh…I was reading…

SAM: Reading what?

“Honest, Pa…I found it in Goober’s stack of comic books.  I didn’t know what it was until I looked at the centerfold.”  Sam learns that Mike has been reading Kim the Orphan’s letter again, and is positively gobsmacked by this.  “Come on, Mike—you must know this letter by heart…”

MIKE: Uh…I just wanted to read it again…

SAM: You’re really upset about this, aren’t ya?

MIKE: I’m worried about her, Pa!

“It’s like the guy who writes this blog said earlier—adopting her after just knowing her one week is too convenient!”  Never let it be said that Sam doesn’t try to be a good dad: his idea is to take Mike to Washington (well, he’s got to pick up his subsidy check anyway) and there he can meet with Kim the Orphan as she and her new parents arrive by plane.  Sam will call Reverend Keith in the morning to make all the arrangements.  And with that…

…Mr. Jones goes to Washington.  (Oh, like you wouldn’t have come up with the same joke.)  Sam and Mike are racing through the airport—though it’s not specified whether it’s Washington National, Dulles or BWI my money’s on National—and arriving at the gate are informed that the flight has already landed.  Sam mentions that they might have to look for the family upstairs but Mike’s sharp eye spots an Asian girl in a yellow dress coming through the gate, and she is accompanied by the Kenworthys.  Introductions are made all around.

SAM: …and this must be Kim Lee…

KIM (bowing): So happy to meet you, Honorable Foster Father…

SAM: Uh…no, honey…no…I’m…this is your Honorable Foster Father…

MIKE: How do you do, Kim?

KIM: You are my father?!!

MIKE: That’s right!

KIM: I thought you were going to be bigger…

“…and less of a geek!”  As Mike walks with his “daughter,” Sam and the Kenworthys make a bit of small talk, and Mr. Kenworthy invites Sam and Mike to lunch with them “If you have the time.”  This is where we learn that the five of them will be dining in the Capitol Dining Room…because membership has its privileges.  (Mike has a funny moment when he whispers to Sam “Pa—is he a Congressman?” as if it were something to be ashamed of.  Insert your own commentary here.)

MIKE (pulling a gift out of a bag): Kim Lee…I got something for you…

KIM: Oh!

(Mike produces a model of the White House)

MIKE: It’s to make you feel more at home in Washington!

KIM: Oh—it is very pretty!  It is my new house?

MIKE: No, that’s the President’s…but anyone can go inside…

“And you can sleep in the Lincoln bedroom, if the price is right.”  Kim also has something for Mike, though he insists it wasn’t necessary—but Kim counters that it is.  She has brought her latest report card, and she’s worked her way up to a “B+” in math.  Mike excitedly tells Sam about Kim’s progress in arithmetic, and he humorously cracks: “I hope that will be an inspiration to your father over there.”

So as the five of them continue through the airport on their way to lunch, Mike takes Kim the Former Orphan by the hand and instructs her to stick close to him so she won’t get lost.  And if she does get lost, she needs to find a policeman.  And don’t talk to strangers.  Or talk with your mouth full.  And stop tracking mud on my nice clean floor.  (Oy.  This one was gooier than your average Family Affair episode.)

Well, since I spent twelve Word pages on this doggone thing the coda is going to be cut to the quick.  Sam and Mike arrive back at Jones Estates, where Alice and Richard welcome them with open arms.  Mike is telling Richard all about the sights he saw in D.C., and Sam mentions to Alice that the Kenworthys seem to be decent people despite Mr. K’s choice of a career in politics.

ALICE: You know, Richard was telling me that he gave some money to Reverend Keith and now he’s a foster parent…

SAM: Wow!

MIKE: Really, Richard?  Hey, that’s neat!

RICHARD: I just got a picture in the mail…

MIKE: What’s she look like?

RICHARD: I got a son…

“But I don’t know about giving him a lot of sage wisdom,” Richard ponders.  “My kid is three years older than I am.”  And while everyone out in YesteryearLand takes a moment to catch their breath from laughter, we’ll…

…fire up the ol’ Alice-o-Meter™, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented invention that measures the number of appearances from Alice Ghostley in the third and final season of Mayberry R.F.D.  (The total is now eight.)  Next week on Mayberry Mondays, another below-par episode that, to its credit, does feature a guest appearance from the son of an Academy Award-winning actor-crooner and a pair of old-time radio veterans…not to mention the final appearance of a recurring minor character played by an actress best known as the chum of one of television’s most popular “domestic engineers.” I do hope you’ll join me for “The Moon Rocks.”

On a personal note: this is the final post in 2012 for TDOY.  I don’t make merry in the way that I used to (the ‘rents will be lucky if they’re still awake past ten) but I still cherish the tradition of wishing all and sundry the happiest of New Years’ celebrations.  Tomorrow, I hope to have a post up on the state of the blog…but for now, we will party like rock stars.  Good night, everybody!

Don Winslow of the Navy (1942) – Chapter 1: The Human Torpedo

After a two-week hiatus from the blog, Serial Saturdays returns in all its glory to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear with the inaugural chapter of the 1942 Universal serial Don Winslow of the Navy.  (It was selected among those members of the TDOY faithful who voted in an informal straw poll…so if this thing turns out to be a stinker, I will not solely shoulder the blame.)  Don Winslow was a last-minute substitute on Universal’s chapter play roster in 1941-42 (which consisted of “the million dollar serial,” Riders of Death Valley, plus Sea Raiders and Gang Busters)—it replaced Head Hunters of the Amazon, a serial that was never produced.  Don Winslow was also put together before the United States officially entered World War II (after the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941), so by the time it was released to theaters in January of 1942 it proved to be quite timely…not to mention a most effective bit of wartime propaganda.

But then…that was the initial purpose of Don Winslow, U.S.N. (the original title of the comic strip from which the serial was based) when it debuted on the comic pages on March 5, 1934.  Created by Frank V. Martinek, a retired Naval Intelligence officer, Don Winslow was born when Admiral Wat T. Cluverius complained to Martinek about the difficulties the U.S. Navy was experiencing in recruitment.  Martinek had used the Winslow character in a couple of novels he had written, but with the help of artist Leon Beroth (who became the strip’s art director) and Carl Hammond (layout and research), D.W. would soon become a hero to fans in the funny pages as a lieutenant commander in naval intelligence.  A Sunday page of Winslow’s military adventures was added a year later, and soon Don began to be showcased in the publications known as Big Little Books—not to mention a radio program which premiered over NBC Blue on October 19, 1937 as a 15-minute, five-day-a-week adventure and was heard for two seasons (sponsored by the likes of Kellogg’s and Ipana toothpaste).  (That program had a brief revival in the fall of 1942—again, prompted by wartime fervor—before the character received his final radio orders on New Year’s Day in 1943.)

Commander Winslow also established a beachhead in comic books—originally, reprints of his newspaper adventures could be found in titles like Crackerjack Funnies and Popular Comics.  But in 1943, Fawcett Publications (the home to comic book heroes like Captain Marvel and Spy Smasher) launched an official Don Winslow of the Navy title that featured all new stories as opposed to the reprinted stuff.  (“The Big Red Cheese” even appeared with Winslow on the cover of the inaugural issue.)  It ran until 1948, was brought back in 1951 (sixty-nine issues in total), and then was resurrected once more in 1955 briefly when Charlton Comics inherited many of the titles from the now out-of-business Fawcett.  The Charlton series lasted four issues (reprints of the earlier Fawcett stories), and then Don Winslow found himself shunted to the back pages of the company’s Fightin’ Navy comic.  Which was probably just as well, since Don was technically demobbed in July of 1955 when his last strip appeared in newspapers; the Navy didn’t need him anymore due to improved recruitment.

But let us travel back to the time when Don Winslow’s popularity was at its peak—courtesy of a purchased DVD copy of the 1942 chapter play that came from Heritage Hill Media, a Mom-and-Pop company with whom I have dealt with in the past and have rarely walked away disappointed.  Their print of Winslow of the Navy is not by any means pristine…but that’s because from the title credits…

…we can see that it was a re-release from Filmcraft, Inc. (1952 according to my information), a company set up to re-issue Universal’s serial product.  The serial has been released to disc by other companies, notably Alpha Video…but I’ve watched both of those DVDs (Volumes 1 and 2) and the only way I could tell the good guys from the bad guys was that the heroes were wearing Navy white.

After the cast is listed and we’re informed that once again Ford Beebe and Ray Taylor were the directing culprits (the team also did the SBBN-featured The Phantom Creeps and a previous Serial Saturdays feature, The Green Hornet) we get this informational tidbit:

Loosely translated, this means “Thanks for the stock footage, U.S. Navy!”  And believe you me…there is a buttload of it.

As Chapter 1 of the serial begins, we find our hero conducting stock footage naval maneuvers and looking damn good while doing so.  Winslow is played by actor Don Terry, a hard-working if unremarkable leading man who worked in a number of low-budget features before attracting the attention of Universal after starring as reporter Larry Kent in the 1938 Columbia chapter play The Secret of Treasure Island.  Though Don made uncredited appearances in such films as You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man and Hold That Ghost, it would not be an exaggeration to say that starring in Don Winslow of the Navy (and its 1943 follow-up, Don Winslow of the Coast Guard) was pretty much his shining moment on the silver screen.  (His other noteworthy serial is 1942’s Overland Mail, where he played a buckskin-wearing sidekick to Lon Chaney, Jr.’s hero.)  Terry appeared in a few more films (his last was White Savage in 1943) but apparently his Don Winslow activities influenced him in real life because he joined the Naval Reserve shortly after Coast Guard (receiving a Purple Heart in 1944) and upon leaving the service in 1946 decided to find honest work outside the film industry.

During the maneuvers, Winslow is addressed by his sidekick, Lieutenant “Red” Pennington.  Actor Walter Sande will play this part—in the 1930s, the heavyset Sande also went the B-picture route as his co-star Terry…and in addition benefited from exposure in serials, with small roles in Universal fodder like The Green Hornet Strikes Again! and Sky Raiders before landing a nice assignment as the photographer pal of hero Charles Quigley in Columbia’s 1941 serial The Iron Claw.  Walter worked a great deal on the Columbia lot, with a recurring role as Detective Matthews in the studio’s Boston Blackie films, and he later had high-profile parts in such films as To Have and Have Not, Along Came Jones, The Blue Dahlia and Dark City.  Sande would later score a pair of regular TV gigs: first as Captain Horatio Bullwinkle in the syndicated series The Adventures of Tugboat Annie (based on the 1933 film, which also inspired two movie follow-ups) and later as Papa Holstrum, father to Inger Stevens’ Katy on the sitcom The Farmer’s Daughter (also based on a movie).  In fact, Sande had quite a lengthy boob tube resume, guest-starring on the likes of The Lone Ranger, Dragnet, Laramie, Gunsmoke, Bonanza and The Wild Wild West.

By the way…you might recognize the man in the moustache in the above screen cap as our old pal John Merton—last seen here on Serial Saturdays as inept Saxon king Ulric in Adventures of Sir Galahad.  The guy next to him speaking into the microphone is also a well-known character thesp, but I’ll talk about him later in the write-up.

This gentleman in the middle, identified as Admiral Warburton, informs the individual to his right that “Commander Winslow has just scored four direct hits, sir.”  Warburton is played by Herbert Rawlinson, a veteran film thesp that’s so veteran he was a leading man in films during the silent era (his IMDb profile lists his first movie appearance in 1911) but then gradually settled into a long career as a character actor, appearing in such films as Show Them No Mercy!, Bullets or Ballots and Dark Victory.  He did tons of B-features, quickie oaters and serials…though in chapter plays he had the stature to appear in one chapter and be done with it.  Among the serials in which he had a fairly larger role: Robinson Crusoe of Clipper Island, S.O.S. Coast Guard and Perils of the Royal Mounted.

Character great Samuel S. Hinds is Rawlinson’s superior officer…and all I have to say is that for a guy who’s only in the first chapter yet gets fifth billing in the opening credits Sam had one hell of an agent.  We all know Hinds for his role as Jimmy Stewart’s pop in It’s a Wonderful Life—not to mention films like Little Women, You Can’t Take It with You and Destry Rides Again—but he also turns up in fun serials like The Great Alaskan Mystery and Secret Agent X-9 (the 1945 version).  Hinds was also a regular in several of the M-G-M Dr. Kildare films, playing the role of the elder Stephen Kildare (Lew Ayres’ pop).  Hinds’ briefly-appearing character answers to Admiral Colby—his official title is Commander in Chief U.S. Fleet, or “Cincus.”  The characters use the “Cincus” designation a lot, which is sort of distracting because I thought they were saying “Sink us.”

Well, now that the filmographies are out of the way…Admirals Warburton and Colby are beside themselves with admiration at Winslow’s ass-kicking during the war games.

COLBY: Admiral Warburton…you’re to be congratulated on the manner in which your fleet has conducted these maneuvers…

WARBURTON: Thank you, sir!

COLBY: Commander Winslow is also to be commended…

WARBURTON: I agree with you, sir…he deserves a lot of credit for the way he’s readjusted himself…after being transferred back to his command from Naval Intelligence…

COLBY: Order Commander Winslow aboard…I want to talk to him…

WARBURTON: Aye, aye sir…

Warburton instructs one of his flunkies to send a signal to Winslow’s ship that he’s received a request from “Cincus” for much butt-kissing.  (I’ll get to the reason for this in a second.)  Having been notified that they’re in the old man’s good graces, “Red” Pennington cracks: “That oughta knock a couple of years off our grades!”  Another seaman passes along to Winslow the information that he’s wanted aboard the Cincus’ flagship, and a dissolve finds Winslow aboard the S.S. Cincus.

COLBY: Commander…I’ve sent for you to congratulate you on the skillful handling of your ship during the maneuvers…

DON: Thank you, sir…but the officers and enlisted men deserve most of the credit…

COLBY: I’m glad you realize that…we commanding officers must never forget that it’s the spirit of the entire personnel that makes our Navy the great force that it is…

The soundtrack’s a little muddy on this print, because the first time I watched this I could have sworn he said “farce.”  (Okay, I made that up.)  Warburton is handed a telegram by an underling…he reads it, and then looking at Colby, hands it off to him.  Colby peruses its contents, and then he looks at Warburton…then he proffers it to Winslow, saying “This concerns you, Commander.”  Essentially what we have here is a scene where two other guys read a third person’s mail.  The contents concern a supply ship, the Corda Queen, that has been sunk off the coast of Tangita Island, and—gasp!—organized sabotage has been suspected!  The sender of the ‘gram, Captain Holding, requests that our hero be transferred back to his division at Pearl Harbor.

Captain Holding, also a one-chapter-only player, is portrayed by veteran actor Kenneth Harlan, who appeared in a goodly number of silent features including The Hoodlum, The Penalty, The Toll of the Sea and the 1923 version of The Virginian, in which he played the titular cowhand.  (He has also been described by my BBFF Stacia in the past as “the worst kind of person.”)  Small roles in studio films and tons of B-pictures followed, as well as appearances in such serials as The Mysterious Pilot and Dick Tracy vs. Crime Inc.  (You might remember him for a brief appearance in one of the Green Hornet chapters—Chapter 7, to be precise—before he was croaked.)  Cap’n Holding is briefing Don and Red on the events surrounding the supply ship that was sunk.

HOLDING: The first intimation that we’ve had of sabotage is this report from Miss Mercedes Colby…

By the way, Mercedes is pronounced “Mer-Suh-Dees” here, always a classy move.

DON: Mercedes Colby?

HOLDING: Yes…she and her friend Misty Gaye were the only survivors of the Corda Queen—do you know them?

DON: Very well!  I’ve worked with them before…they’re both very intelligent girls…

RED: Well, they’re more than that!  Especially Misty!

“I believe the naval term is ‘my old lady.’”  We’ll meet Mercedes and Misty here in a sec—Mercedes is a nurse assigned to a medical dispensary on Tangita Island; Misty is gal Friday to the bidnessman responsible for building the naval base—but if you were wondering why Commander Winslow was held in such high esteem by the Cincus it’s because Mercedes is his daughter.  (In other words, Don knows her very well…if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  Don Winslow was John McCain before it was fashionable.)

RED: What’s so important about Tangita?

HOLDING: Well, although it’s off the main trade routes…patrols based there can control our shipping lanes…

DON: Then the destruction of these supply ships is the work of saboteurs determined to prevent our building a base on Tangita!

Annnnnnd there’s the plot, boys and girls!  “That’s why I’m sending you there, Winslow,” intones Captain Holding, allotting Don and Red the next eleven chapters to find out just who these slimy saboteurs are.

Tangita Island.  Cubic zirconium of the Pacific.  Winslow turns over command of his ship to Lt. Cmdr. Grady, played by actor Dirk Thane—a veteran of such serials as Jungle Menace and Perils of Nyoka.  You can tell in this screen cap…

…that he’s excited as all get-out about his assignment.  Peering through his binoculars, Winslow observes: “Tangita looks peaceful enough…”  But then we hear the ominous stirrings of Mendelssohn’s Fingal’s Cave Overture (a recurring soundtrack motif, along with Anchors Aweigh) and we know that there is deviltry afoot…particularly when we see this guy lurking outside the Tangita Gold Mine.

Yes, it’s our old pal John Litel…and for those of you visiting this blog for the first time, let me state for the record that you can make some easy money from your friends by betting that Litel will turn up in practically any Warner Bros. film of the 1930s.  (I am exaggerating, of course, but he was in an awful lot of their features.)  He’s best remembered here at TDOY for his roles in two film series: Warner’s short-lived Nancy Drew franchise (he played Nancy’s lawyer dad) and Paramount’s Henry Aldrich vehicles (he played Henry’s lawyer dad).  Again, I could facetiously suggest that it would easier to list the movies in which Litel did not play a lawyer than the ones in which he did.  I believe Don Winslow was the only serial work John did; he later embarked on a successful character actor career on television, with regular roles as Bob Cummings’ boss in the sitcom My Hero, the Governor on Disney’s Zorro, and Dan Murchison on Stagecoach West, an obscure Western that got some play on Me-TV a year or so ago.  Litel is gold mine manager Spencer Merlin (that name just reeks of villainy) in this serial, and he disappears inside the mine to take an elevator down a shaft leading to the headquarters of the saboteurs.

Merlin enters a room where a thuggish-looking underling is peering through a periscope.  “Take a look,” invites the goon, and after complying with his request Merlin mutters “It’s the U.S. Navy, all right.”  The thug answers to “Prindle,” and is played by Robert Barron…whose cinematic stock-in-trade was B-movie henchmanry, appearing in chapter plays like Jungle Girl and Overland Mail.

MERLIN: And with Winslow on Tangita…we’ve got to watch our step…

PRINDLE: You know what brought him here?

MERLIN: Certainly…to investigate the report that the Corda Queen was torpedoed off this island…

PRINDLE: Tranker’s carelessness in allowing those two girls to escape when he sank the Corda Queen may disrupt our whole layout here!

MERLIN: I’d hate to be in Tranker’s shoes when the Scorpion finds out that Winslow has been sent to Tangita…

I haven’t even met Tranker and already I feel sorry for the guy.  Through the periscope, Prindle spots our hero departing his ship…so he and Merlin leave the observation room to walk through more of the underground hideout.  This serves no useful purpose other than to impress those of us watching what kind of sweet setup they have.  In fact, Prindle suggests to his boss that they just take Winslow out but he’s quickly reprimanded by Spence, who disdainfully retorts “And bring a flock of U.S. destroyers down on us?”  (Is “flock” really the right collective noun to use here?  I would think “a pride of destroyers” would be more accurate…though I personally like “an exultation of destroyers” better.)  Merlin is cognizant of the fact that if they were to carry out this mahd scheme of Prindle’s this serial would be short eleven chapters.

But before we get any more of the cave hideout tour, Prindle and Merlin spot the previously mentioned Tranker in a nearby area of the cave.  Tranker is a submarine captain played by the luckless Arthur Loft, a character thesp that I describe in that fashion because in most of the movies I’ve seen him in he rarely makes it to the end alive.  We saw him previously in The Green Hornet (as Joe Ogden, business partner of chief villain Curtis Monroe) and he also appeared in that serial’s follow-up, The Green Hornet Strikes Again!  I remember him best as newspaper editor Clyde Matthews in 1942’s The Glass Key…who ends up blowing his brains out when star Alan Ladd starts macking on his wife.  (He can’t catch a break.)

Henchie Prindle tells Tranker that Tranker’s submarine (Z-37) will remain in port until “the undersea oil well’s repaired”—and Merlin drops the bombshell that because Tranker allowed Mercedes and Misty to escape from the floundering Corda Queen—which set in motion the arrival of Don Winslow and Company—he’s really in Dutch with The Scorpion.  So Tranker starts pacing, getting all Edmond O’Brien-sweaty while Merlin and Prindle continue through the cave…

…this screen cap really made me laugh because both men have been bragging about all the money The Scorpion has funneled into this state-of-the-art spy facility and yet they have to stumble around like it was some sort of gold mine…which it is.  The two of them go topside, and Merlin tells his stooge that he’ll be the one there when Winslow is welcomed into port.  (So why was it necessary for Prindle to go above ground in the first place?)

A scene shift finds Misty Gaye spotting Don and Red disembarking from their destroyer, and she calls out to chum Mercedes Colby “Look who’s here!”  Green Hornet fans will recognize the actress playing Misty as Anne Nagel, who was Lenore “Casey” Case in the Har-nut chapter play as well as the follow-up The Green Hornet Strikes Again!  The Universal starlet also played leading lady to Dick Foran in the chapter play Winners of the West and emoted alongside Paul Kelly in The Secret Code (this one was done at Columbia, one of their better serials).

Claire Dodd’s portrayal of nurse Mercedes Colby in Winslow of the Navy marks her only serial work—she was well known in the 1930s for films she made at Warner’s and Paramount that include Guilty as Hell, Lawyer Man, Ex-Lady and two films in the Perry Mason franchise (in which she played Della Street), The Case of the Curious Bride and The Case of the Velvet Claws.  Because Don and Red are sailors, and have been at sea a good while, they are naturally exuberant upon seeing Mercedes and Misty.

MERCEDES: Don!  Don Winslow!

DON: Hello, Mercedes…it’s good to see you…

MISTY (to Red): Hi, sailor!

RED: Hi, Misty—how’s the shipwrecked mermaid?

MISTY: Oh, I won’t forget about it…it was pretty horrible…

If you’re wondering whether or not we have enough characters in the first chapter of this thing, the answer is no.  As if it were scripted, Misty’s “boss,” John Blake comes lumbering in for an introduction to the girls’ nautical boyfriends—Mr. Blake being played by actor Ben Taggart.  Taggart, a veteran of silent films, enjoyed a long career playing bit parts in features great and small; he turns up in a number of Charley Chase comedies (both at Hal Roach and Columbia) and his serials include Daredevils of the Red Circle and The Green Hornet (he was crooked flying school owner Phil Bartlett in that one).

MISTY (to Blake): Your job will be a lot easier with Don Winslow and Red Pennington on the island…

MERCEDES: To say nothing of the 620 standing by…

BLAKE (chuckling): I don’t doubt it…we’ve heard of Winslow, even in Tangita…

DON: Nothing bad, I hope!

“Well, if you run into some guy toting a shotgun I’d start back for the ship…his daughter gave birth to a boy, by the way.”  As the four of them share a hearty guffaw, the sebaceous Spence Merlin arrives on the scene, and introductions are made on his behalf as well.

BLAKE: Commander Winslow is here to investigate the sabotage that’s been holding up my work…

MERLIN: Oh…that’s good news!  Be sure to let me know, Commander, if there’s I can do to help you…

DON: Thank you, Mr. Merlin…I will!

(Merlin slithers off)

BLAKE: Well, Commander…I’d like to show you the offices we’ve arranged for you at our headquarters…

MERCEDES: Oh, I’m sure you’ll like them!

MISTY: Especially the radio!

Oh, the enthusiasm.  Clearly this is the highlight of their week.  So the five of them duck into the offices of Blake’s operation, and then a scene shift follows Merlin as he traipses through a jungle-like area on the island, stopping briefly to salute a sentry standing outside a hut.  Inside the hut, we discover two more henchmen played by Ethan Laidlaw (who answers to “Spike”) and Lane Chandler (“Corley”).  Laidlaw had a lengthy career in the flickers (stretching back to the silents) in bit parts, mostly as henchmen in serials and B-Westerns…and then when TV came in, he continued playing various barflies and townsmen in boob tube oaters such as Outlaws, Have Gun – Will Travel, The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp and The Rifleman. 

Chandler also started his film career in the silent era as a leading man opposite the likes of Clara Bow (Red Hair) and Greta Garbo (The Single Standard) before drifting into bit parts in second features and B-Westerns in the 1930s/1940s (it had been suggested that Paramount was grooming his co-star in The Legion of the Condemned, Gary Cooper, for roles intended for Chandler, sadly).  The story also goes that Chandler, while at Universal, was tested for the role of the Frankenstein monster before the studio decided on Glenn Strange.  Chandler is also a Green Hornet alumnus, having played a truck driver in the aforementioned Chapter 7.

Merlin directs the two men to open up a panel inside the hut that contains a Dictaphone the size of Rhode Island, and the three of them turn it on to try and eavesdrop on Colonel Klink Don Winslow and glean information.  On the other end…

…is this guy, who’ll be quite familiar to any of us who’ve recently put Stan Freberg’s Banana Boat parody on a turntable.  Peter Leeds (“It’s too piercing, man…too piercing…”) is Seaman Chapman in Don Winslow; throughout his long show business career he played straight man to a plethora of comics that included Bob Hope and Milton Berle, and appeared in a gazillion films and TV shows—notably The Lady Gambles, D.O.A., 99 River Street and Tight Spot.  He was seen briefly on the 1957-59 Robert Culp series Trackdown (as Tenner Smith) and later on the December Bride spin-off Pete and Gladys as neighbor George Colton.

We’ve got a little more than ten minutes in this thing to go, so let’s put a little action in action…

BLAKE: I’ve been waiting two days for a message from the Baratavia…

DON: The Baratavia?  Is she headed for Tangita?

BLAKE: Yes!  With equipment, skilled technicians and their families…my work on the new naval base is practically at a standstill until she arrives…

DON: Well, that looks like our first job, Red—to see that the Baratavia reaches here safely…

RED (cheerfully): The 620 will see her through…

Not so fast, my comic relief sidekick!  You’ve just telegraphed your plans to Spencer Merlin and his faithful goons Corley and Spike!  Spence directs Corley to stand by the Dictaphone for further details, while Spike is tabbed for “a more important job.”

There is then a cut to a vessel at sea.  It’s the S.S. Baratavia, and inside the bridge we are visited by another refugee from The Green Hornet, suggesting it’s perhaps “old home week” in this serial.  Wade Boteler, who played the irrepressible Michael Axford in both Hornet and The Green Hornet Strikes Again!, is Mike Splendor in this chapter play, business partner of John Blake.  Splendor addresses the skipper of the Baratavia, Captain Fairfield (Paul Scott):

SPLENDOR: …have you had any word yet from Blake?

FAIRFIELD: Not yet…you know my orders—not to disclose our position until we reach thirty South…

SPLENDOR: Oh, sure…sure…

Splendor is getting ready to leave but is stopped by a knock on the door of the bridge, and a skeevy-looking individual enters.  One might be tempted to think this is one of the “skilled professionals” that Blake referred to as being on board the Baratavia—but it is actually a man named Paul Barsac, whom we will later learn is in league with Merlin and his bunch.  Actor John Holland plays the role of Barsac; Holland’s film career began in the mid ‘30s and was mostly comprised of bit parts in features but he occasionally landed some henchman roles in serials like Dick Tracy and Sky Raiders.

BARSAC: I must send a message and your radio operator refuses to transmit it!

FAIRFIELD: I’m sorry, Mr. Barsac—he’s following orders…we’re using our radio only for ship’s business from here till we reach Tangita…

BARSAC: But this message is important!

SPLENDOR: Sure, ‘tis more important than our workers and their families reach Tangita!

FAIRFIELD: Right!  That’s why we’re taking no chances on having the Baratavia’s position known…

BARSAC: Okay, Fairfield…you’re the captain…

“For now, anyway…”  Barsac departs the bridge, letting the captain win that round—but Splendor can’t resist rubbing a little salt in the wound by commenting: “And let that be a lesson to you…Mister Barsac.”

Back on Tangita and inside the gold mine, Spencer confers with a radio operator about a message he dictated be sent to Barsac on the Baratavia.  Here it is:

It all seems rather innocuous—but when you decipher the secret code, it’s a directive for Barsac to kill the Baratavia’s radio operator (which he does).  But not before Fairfield gets a message from Blake that Commander Don Winslow has arrived on the island to take charge—he relays this information to Splendor, who is apparently an old bud of Donny’s.  In order to contact the 620 to intercept the Baratavia, Fairfield must issue an order to the ship’s radio operator…and as I mentioned, Mr. Barsac has taken care of him.  The amusing thing is that Fairfield leaves the bridge, and then there’s a cutaway to stock footage of the ship for about five seconds before he comes back to let Splendor know the operator’s been offed and the radio smashed.

Back on the island, Chapman has the unfortunate duty of informing Don that he can’t contact the Baratavia on the radio.  Winslow then instructs him to get with the 620 on the off-chance that the ship gave acting commander Grady their position.  The scene then shifts back to Spence’s headquarters, where—addressed by the radio operator as “M-22”—he is informed that The Scorpion is ready to speak.  Spencer punches up a big screen TV and he and Prindle get their orders from an Asian-looking gent with a Teutonic accent.

SCORPION: Our submarine base on Tangita must not be discovered…and Winslow is to be taken prisoner and held until I order his execution…destroy the Baratavia—and leave no survivors…Tranker is a valuable agent…but he must be punished as I advised for his carelessness in placing us in great danger…these are your orders, M-22…you know the penalty for failing to execute them…

Scorp is played by Kurt Katch, a Yiddish theatre performer who enjoyed success in German silent cinema before emigrating to the U.S. in the 1940s and hitting the jackpot as a character actor, often in sinister foreign roles.  Among his memorable film appearances: Background to Danger, Watch on the Rhine, The Mask of Dimitrios, The Seventh Cross and Abbott & Costello Meet the Mummy.

Well, as predicted…The Scorpion is not going to let Tranker off with a slap on the wrist—and Merlin is sure as shooting not going to risk “the penalty for failing to execute” The Scorpion’s orders.   Spence tells Prindle to order Spike to “destroy Winslow’s radio,” and then he heads back to the sub to give a nervous Tranker the bad news…

MERLIN: Tranker…your carelessness threatens us with the loss of our undersea submarine base and our whole setup here…our master The Scorpion demands that you be punished…

TRANKER: Well, just don’t stand there talking about it—get it over with!

MERLIN: The Scorpion has been most generous…he gives you a fifty-fifty chance to escape with your life…and at the same time render him a great service…do you accept that chance?

TRANKER: What else can I do?  I know there’s no escape from The Scorpion…now…what’s the chance?

MERLIN: You’re to sink the Baratavia…

TRANKER: Well, that’ll be easy!  I’ll get the Z-52 submarine right away!

MERLIN: You won’t need the submarine…you’re to sink the Baratavia alone…

“You’re to become the first successful human torpedo!” gushes Merlin with a merde-eating grin…and I’d just like to say that if this is an example of The Scorpion’s generosity I’d hate to see him when he is not filled with the milk of human kindness.  Meanwhile, outside Blake’s office…henchman Spike skulks, having a smoke.  Inside the office, Chapman gives Winslow the news that the 620 has not heard from the Baratavia.  Then—Spike springs into action, firing at the radio…

…and creating this bit of hilarity, which made me think that Mayberry R.F.D.’s Emmett Clark might have been in the Navy.  Don Winslow springs into action, giving chase to the all-ass-and-elbows Spike as Red, Chapman, Blake, Mercedes and Misty survey the damage done to the radio.

Winslow trails Spike to the jungle hut hideout from earlier, and eavesdrops outside as Spike relays what happened to his pal Corley.

SPIKE: There won’t be any message between Winslow and that destroyer…

CORLEY: Then Tranker can’t miss blowin’ up the Baratavia with his human torpedo!

SPIKE: I’m sure glad I ain’t no human torpedo!

I’m breathing a sigh of relief myself as I type.  Outside, an anonymous goon gets the drop on our hero by announcing: “Okay, sailor...get rid of the gun!”  This is the cue for this chapter’s fight sequence, which I have to say is one of the worst in the history of Universal serials.  Seriously—if you wanted to watch punches thrown and furniture destroyed in an entertaining manner…that’s why the good Lord created Republic Studios.  Fight choreography simply wasn’t Universal’s meat…though it wasn’t Columbia’s either.  (The early Columbia serials, particularly the James Horne-directed efforts, are fun because you often have the hero taking on about eight or ten henchmen.)  The stuntman for Don Winslow is also painfully noticeable (he holds his arm up to his face several times, convinced that we won’t notice the deception)—at Republic, they just cast stuntmen in henchmen roles provided they could speak English.

Red and Chapman arrive in the nick of time to save Don’s stuntman from a right pummeling (Chapman is particularly in love with his firearm because he fires it a number of times, often at nothing at all) and while the logical thing would be to go after the henchmen Don waves Red off.  “It’s no use, Red…we can’t find anybody in this jungle.”  (“And what’s more…we have to make this look good for another eleven chapters…”)

DON: What was that shooting at the warehouse?

CHAPMAN: They smashed our radio, sir…

DON: Well, get it fixed as quickly as possible…

CHAPMAN: Yes, sir!  (He leaves)

DON: Red…this is all a plan to blow up the Baratavia with a human torpedo before the 620 comes out to protect her!

RED: Well, we gotta warn the Baratavia!

DON: There’s only one chance…we’ll use the mosquito boat!

As our heroes race back to grab their mosquito boat, Merlin and Prindle instruct Tranker on the proper protocol regarding his suicide mission.  “And when you get a direct line on the Baratavia…pull that lever and jump for your life…”

“My life isn’t worth much from now on,” laments Tranker as he climbs into the boat.  You serrit, kiddo—how you’re going to jump for your life from inside a boat is something The Scorpion probably wasn’t too concerned about.  And through the magic of YouTube—here’s the final exciting 1:30 of this serial!  (Yes…I’m tired of writing.)