This week’s edition of TDOY’s
regular Mayberry Mondays feature brings us a scintilla of good news in
that we do not have to put up with the son (Buddy Foster) of Mayberry’s
poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones (played by
series regular Ken Berry), to whom we affectionately refer here as “Mike the
Idiot Boy.” The character is briefly referenced
in the episode, but there’s thankfully no physical sign of him…and also in abstention
is fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who we will soon learn is on a
fishing trip (a vacation from his vacation, from the looks of things). As the familiar strains of “The Mayberry
March” waft over the soundtrack, we find Sam and his friends—drop-dead-gorgeous
bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), village idiot Goober Pyle
(George Lindsey), and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack
Dodson)—whiling away their Palm Springs vacation hours checking out the tchtotskes
available at an Indian trading post.
HOWARD: Well, here’s an interesting
artifact…
GOOBER: What is that?
HOWARD: It’s wampum…the Indians used this instead of money…
GOOBER: Well, why didn’t they use
money?
HOWARD: Because they didn’t have any…I mean, this was their unit of
exchange…you know, instead of a dime or a quarter…
GOOBER: Boy, I bet they’d have
trouble puttin’ that in the pop machine…
(He gives out with his patented braying laugh)
Millie is trying on pairs of earrings and asks Sam for his opinion…and
he replies that she looks “just like Pocahontas.” It would seem that darling Millie is trying
to find a gift for Martha (Emmett’s wife, played on occasion by Mary Lansing) on
Emmett’s behalf (he must have lost the petrified wood from last week’s episode), who as I mentioned earlier has gone fishing—so Sam suggests she wait
until he returns (I was kind of hoping Emmett’d be pulled overboard by a
marlin) so that he can decide, and that’s when Howard proposes that everyone
make a list of what they plan to take back since they still have a week left of
vacation. With that souvenir democracy
out of the way, the four of them then vote “to take a ride on the tram.”
As the quartet piles into a convertible, a man pulls up on a
motorcycle and calls out Sam’s name. Sam
is positively gobsmacked to see that it’s his old Army buddy Charlie
Harris—played by actor Charles Bateman.
Bateman is probably recognizable to soap opera fans as the thesp who
played C.C. Capwell on the cult favorite Santa
Barbara Glasgow ,
Scotland
SAM: Charlie? Charlie
Harris! You old son of a gun!
CHARLIE: How are ya?
SAM: Fine! How are you doin’?
CHARLIE: I don’t believe it!
SAM: Well, what are you doin’ out
here?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m a golf pro at one
of the clubs…
SAM: Oh my gosh—you’re still with
the golf, huh?
CHARLIE: Yeah!
Sam excitedly invites Charlie over to meet his friends…after
which, I’ll bet dollars to donuts Charlie will have wished he had just zoomed
on by…
SAM: You’ve heard me mention
Charlie…we were in the Army together in the Pacific…
CHARLIE: We, uh, fought the Battle
of Tahiti together…
GOOBER: Oh, that Charlie! (He laughs and nudges Howard in the ribs)
HOWARD: Ho ho! Hey…the stories Sam’s told us about you two!
Hoo hoo! (He laughs)
MILLIE (squealing): Oh! What stories?
SAM: No, no…I can’t tell you…you’re too young and innocent…
And that’s the way we like it!
CHARLIE: Well, Sam—what are you
doing out here? Don’t you still live in
Mayberry?
“To the end of his days, Charlie never did understand why
Sam put the gun in his own mouth and fired…”
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…we’re just on
vacation…
HOWARD: We got a great house right out by the golf
course…five bedrooms!
GOOBER: Belongs to a friend of Aunt
Bee’s…didn’t cost us a cent!
HOWARD (exasperated): Do you have
to tell everyone that?!!
SAM (to Charlie): Well, tell me
about the golf…uh…you’re a big pro now, huh?
CHARLIE: Well, I…I couldn’t get
away from it, so I decided to make a living at it…
SAM: Uh-huh…
MILLIE: Oh, it sounds fascinating…
CHARLIE: Oh…do you play golf?
MILLIE: Oh, I always wanted to…but we don’t have a golf course in Mayberry…
The news about the sorry state of recreational facilities in
“the Big M” touches Charlie deeply, and he offers to give Millie a lesson or
two (bow-chicka-wow-wow) at a nearby
driving range…
CHARLIE: I’m always glad to give
lessons to a pretty girl…
MILLIE: Sounds like fun!
CHARLIE (indicating Sam): Oh,
and…uh…bring what’s-his-name along if you can’t shake him…
SAM (chuckling): Same old Charlie…
Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute here…I will not have Charlie squidding on
Millie—that’s my racket! So with the passage of a few hours, Millie
and Sam are taking practice swings at the driving range under the supervision
of the lascivious Charlie. Sam, looking
at his watch, notices the lateness of the hour and announces they must return
to Casa del Selma…
SAM: Oh hey, Mill…we gotta go…
MILLIE: Oh, darn it…and I was just
getting the hang of this…oh…can’t I
just try a few more?
CHARLIE: Uh…look, ol’ buddy…why
don’t you go ahead…and when Millie
finishes the bucket…
“…of champagne…”
CHARLIE: …I’ll bring her on home…
SAM: Oh! Oh, fine…if it’s okay with you, Mill…
MILLIE: Fine!
SAM: Good…but, look—knowing
Charlie, make sure you check the gas
tank before you leave…and stick to the lighted
highways…he wasn’t known as “Tahiti Charlie” for nothing, you know… (Chuckling)
I’ll see you later…
You know…there was a time on this blog when I considered Sam
to be a fairly intelligent guy despite his propensity for dicking around whenever
there was farm work to be done. I have
since changed my opinion of him. After
he’s vamoosed, Charlie decides to instruct Millie further on her backswing…and
this is what results…
“Uh…I think I got it now, Charlie,” stammers Millie. No, you haven’t, girlfriend…but you will in a
second. For as “Tahiti Charlie” walks
our heroine to the front door of Selma ’s
hacienda…
MILLIE (extending her hand for a
goodbye “shake”): Well…good night, Charlie…uh…thanks for bringing me home…
CHARLIE: Well…it’s my pleasure,
honey…
MILLIE (going toward the front
door): Well, I’d better get in…
CHARLIE: Whoa…whoa…what’s your
rush? I…I haven’t told you how beautiful
you are tonight…
MILLIE: Oh, Charlie…
He interrupts her by planting one on her lips…just as Goober
opens the front door to go out on his nightly idiot walk. Goob, witness to what’s happened, closes the
door quickly just as Millie slaps the sh*t out of her would-be masher. Furiously, she storms into the house and
shutting the door, finds Goober standing behind her: “I didn’t see a thing!” he
wails, as the two of them engage in crosstalk:
GOOBER (walking down into the
living room): I didn’t see a thing!
MILLIE: You didn’t see a
thing? What are you talking about?
GOOBER: Didn’t see a thing…none of
my business…
MILLIE: What is none of your
business?
GOOBER: You don’t have to explain a
thing to me…
MILLIE: I am not trying to explain
anything…I don’t understand…
GOOBER: I didn’t see a thing…except what I saw…
MILLIE (angrily): Well, you saw wrong!
GOOBER: Well, I sure did…shame! Shame
on you!
(Goober sits down in a chair with a
magazine)
MILLIE: Oh, Goober…this is ridiculous! You are being ridiculous! He just grabbed me! What was I supposed to do?
GOOBER (getting up): Want me to
poke him in the nose?
MILLIE: No!!! (Goober sits back
down) I just want to forget about
it…where’s Sam?
GOOBER (getting up again): He’s
puttin’ Mike to bed…you want me to
get him?
MILLIE (pushing him back down in
his chair): No! I don’t want him to know about it…you know what I mean? If Sam found out he’d kill him!
GOOBER: Boy, would he! (Smacking his hands together) Pow! Goodbye, Charlie…
MILLIE: Goober…promise me you won’t
say anything to Sam…I-I-I don’t want to cause any trouble…
GOOBER (crossing his heart): You
can count on me…
HOWARD (entering the room): Hi,
Millie…
MILLIE: Hi, Howard…
GOOBER: Hey Howard, wait till you
hear what…
MILLIE (sharply): Goober!
GOOBER: Well, he’s not Sam…
No, he’s definitely not Sam…but since I’m curious as to
whether Goober can keep his big bazoo shut, let’s bring Sam into this scenario…
SAM: Where’s Charlie?
MILLIE: Oh…well…he had to go…
GOOBER: Yeah…but nothin’ happened…
(Millie whirls around in Goober’s
direction with a “Shut your bloody gob!” look on her face)
SAM: Gosh…I wish you would have
asked him in…
MILLIE (stammering): Oh…well…it was
getting too late…
SAM: Well, I hardly had a chance to
talk to him…
HOWARD: Gee, that’s too bad…it
isn’t that often that you run into an old pal like that…
GOOBER: Yeah, but nothin’ happened…
MILLIE (trying to change the
subject): Goober…how was the movie?
GOOBER: Oh, it was great… (Frowning
at her) It was one of them love triangles…
There is a dissolve to what appears to be the following day,
as Millie and Goober sit at a table outside that fabulous pool. Sam eases himself into a lounge chair nearby.
SAM: Oh…boy! This is the life, huh? (After a pause) Oh…say, Mill…I didn’t get
much chance to talk to Charlie yesterday…whaddya say the three of us have lunch
together?
MILLIE (hesitant): Well, y-y-you
two go ahead…
SAM: No, no…you come along, too…I
know he likes you…
GOOBER (scornfully): I’ll say!
As always, there’s always one moment in this sitcom that
makes me laugh out loud. That was
it. (Beautifully delivered by Lindsey.)
GOOBER: I mean…everybody likes Millie! Ha
ha…
I’ll say! (Thank you
so much.)
MILLIE: Goober…there’s some
lemonade in the refrigerator…
“Be a dear and go drown in it…mm-kay?”
MILLIE: …why don’t you get some?
GOOBER: Well, in a minute…I’m
trying to make a point… (He gets up from his place at the table and sits down
beside Sam) You remember Spike, don’tcha?
SAM: Who?
GOOBER: Spike! My dog… (Sam nods
assent) Had ‘em twelve years…best pal
I ever had…then he turned around and bit
me…bit the hand that fed ‘em…
(There is a shot of Millie looking
forlorn, then a cut back to Sam and Goober)
SAM: What’s that supposed to prove?
GOOBER: That’s all I got to say…
Goober gets up and walks toward the house, leaving a bemused
Sam to crack: “I’m sure there’s a message there someplace…” After telling
Millie that he’ll give Charlie a call later to finalize lunch plans, Millie
decides that confession is good for the soul…
MILLIE: Sam? Sam, I-I-I…well, there’s something I want to
tell you…
SAM (engrossed in a newspaper):
Hmm?
MILLIE: Sam, I-I want to tell you something…
SAM (putting the paper down):
Oh…oh, yeah…sure…
MILLIE: Now, I…I want you to relax
and…and…be calm…
SAM: Well, I am relaxed!
MILLIE: Well…I-I-I…I think you
should hear it from me first…so I
want you to promise not to get mad…
SAM: Okay…
MILLIE: …and I don’t want you to do
anything rash…
SAM: Okay! Okay…
MILLIE: Well…l-l-last night when…when
Charlie walked me home…he kissed me…
“Stay not mad!” as my BBFF
Stacia would say.
SAM: He kissed you?
MILLIE: Sam? Sam, I don’t want you to hit him…I don’t want any violence…no
violence…please…
SAM (laughing): Why should I hit
him? Oh, boy…that’s the same old Charlie…he hasn’t changed a bit!
(Still laughing) He kissed
you, huh? (Laughing some more) Boy,
that’s funny! (Getting up from the
table) Excuse me a second…I’ve got to go change the water on the marigolds…
That’s an…interesting
euphemism. (Or it could mean that Sam is
more concerned with someone else’s “crops” than his own.) Millie is positively mortified that her
boyfriend is unconcerned his best Army bud is a masher, and after asking him
“You mean you’re not going to get violent?” she storms off the patio and into
the house.
Back from a General Foods break, Sam is entering the house
carrying an empty coffee cup and the newspaper he was perusing earlier, and
Millie, not at all happy, is sitting on the couch while Howard stands next to
her. Howard, it would appear, has a
rather pressing problem.
HOWARD: Do you have any glue?
SAM: No…I’m afraid not, Howard…
HOWARD: Oh…well, I’ll find some
somewhere… (He starts to walk off) Oh, hey…hey…don’t jiggle my rocks, huh?
Another interesting euphemism.
MILLIE: Well…did you get your marigolds taken care of?
SAM: Yeah…why?
MILLIE: Oh…I just wondered…seems to me you walked off right in the middle of a conversation…
SAM: Hey…are you mad about something?
It would appear that Sam is as adept handling the opposite
sex as he is running a farm.
MILLIE: Oh, no! No! I
practically get attacked at the front
door and…well…you think it’s funny!
SAM: Attacked? I thought you said he kissed you…
MILLIE: Well?
SAM: Well what?
Sam…you’re doing it wrong.
MILLIE: Well, he tried to make a pass…doesn’t that mean
anything to you?
SAM: Oh, come on, Millie…what do
you want me to do—beat up every guy who looks at you?
I know more than a few guys who are in for some ass-whuppings…
MILLIE: Oh, now you’re getting ridiculous!
SAM: Me ridiculous? What about
you? I know all about Charlie…
MILLIE: Well, if you know all about him then you knew when you left that he was going to
try to kiss me…
Well, she does have a point.
SAM: Oh boy…oh boy! Just ignore the
facts and twist everything around so you can win!
MILLIE: Forget it! Forget I said anything…you are right and I am wrong…but
remember one thing, Sam Jones…you don’t
own me!!!
“I’m not just one of your many toys. You don’t own me. Don’t say I can’t go out with other boys. And
don’t tell me what to do/And don’t tell me what to say…” Okay, enough of the Lesley Gore tribute. Millie storms out of the living room and
passes a cheerful Howard on the way back to her room.
HOWARD: Found the glue!
MILLIE (not even stopping): Goody goody…
Now…this next sequence is a little disturbing because…well,
Millie is venting her spleen to Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier)—who
normally would concoct a diabolical scheme to teach clueless Sam a lesson that
Millie is the type of woman who should be placed on a pedestal…all the better
to look up her…well, you sort of get my point.
But it’s almost as if the change in locale (vacationing in Palm
Springs as opposed to her home field advantage of
Mayberry) has sapped her powers like a witchly relative of Samantha Stevens’—she
is embarrassingly ineffective here.
MILLIE: Sam’s girl…everybody who
sees me says “There goes Sam’s girl”…including Sam! (Aunt Bee starts to speak, but Millie cuts
her off) Well, I’m telling you one thing…he
is in for a rude awakening…I’ll show him I’m not his private property!
AUNT BEE: Well, what are you going
to do?
MILLIE: I don’t know…
AUNT BEE: Well…crying is always good…
MILLIE: I’ll tell you what I ought to do…
AUNT BEE: What?
MILLIE: I ought to go out and get a
date!
Yes! I’m 100% on
board with this idea. (I know the perfect blogger.)
AUNT BEE: Oh, Millie…you
wouldn’t! You’re Sam’s girl…
MILLIE: See! (Aunt Bee closes her mouth quickly, realizing
her faux pas) See! You’re
doing it, too! The whole world is taking me for granted!
I’d like to take
Millie for granted…if you know what I mean…nudge nudge, wink wink, say no moah!
AUNT BEE: But you don’t anybody who
would make a proper escort!
MILLIE: I know Charlie…
AUNT BEE (shocked): Oh! Millie!
A golf pro? No…
MILLIE: Top drawer! He’s handsome…witty…intelligent…if I can just
stay out of his clutches…
The camera goes in for a close-up of Aunt Bee, doing what
she does best…looking sad and concerned while muttering “No…no…” (I agree with you, girlfriend—that Charlie is
a hound.) So Millie drives out to the
driving range to make a date with Charlie…and as she gets out of the car, it’s
like she’s having second thoughts…but she steels her courage and is determined
to go through with it. (By the way, I’m
pretty sure there is where that expression “pretty in pink” originated.)
MILLIE: Hi!
CHARLIE: Hi…what are you doing out
here?
MILLIE: Oh! Oh, I was just driving by and…uh…uh…I
mean…uh…well, does a…does a girl have to have a reason for…dropping by?
CHARLIE: No! No…uh…it’s just that…well, after last night,
I didn’t expect to see you again…
MILLIE: Oh, well…it’s…it’s just
that you surprised me, that’s all…I
mean, uh…you shouldn’t have scurried
so easily…
“Like the cockroach we know you to be…”
CHARLIE: Oh…uh…well, Millie…
MILLIE: I mean…I…didn’t know you very well…
CHARLIE: Yes…well…but…
MILLIE: Uh…Charlie…why…why don’t
you come and sit down with me? (Charlie
follows her to a nearby bench) Uh…uh…t-t-tell me about the…uh…nightlife in Palm Springs
CHARLIE: Oh, it’s…it’s great…
MILLIE: Hmm…oh, I just love the
music and dancing…
CHARLIE: Millie…
MILLIE: Yes?
CHARLIE: I’d just…love to take you out…
MILLIE: Wonderful…
CHARLIE: But I can’t…
Buh-what now???
CHARLIE: …you’re Sam’s girl…
MILLIE: But…why…?
CHARLIE: No, y-y-you’re Sam’s girl,
and…he’s my buddy…uh…well, I was wrong last night, and I want to apologize…
MILLIE: Oh, but I…
CHARLIE: …I’m not going to move in
on my old pal’s property…
MILLIE: But I’m not his property!
CHARLIE: Sam’s one of the most
wonderful guys you’ll ever meet…
Oh, he’s really not all that great…trust me.
MILLIE: Well…yes, but…
CHARLIE: …honest…loyal…he’d give
you the shirt off his back…
“And the buttons, too…”
MILLIE: But…but…
CHARLIE: …in fact…you ought to be ashamed of yourself, coming over here
and trying to make a date with a guy like me!
Well, you can’t deduct points from him for honesty.
An infuriated Millie gets up from the bench, and all she can do is
sputter and finally shout “Men!”
The scene dissolves to a shot of Millie lying on her
bed. It’s another disturbing sequence,
because she doesn’t say anything for most of this…instead the voices in her
head keep up a running monologue…something that would concern me if the two of
us were to go later for a foot-long at Sonic.
Property of Sam Jones…boy, he really
takes you for granted…it’s just like you were a puppy dog…the master whistles (whistling) and you’re supposed to come running…oh boy, would I like to
shake him up! Go out on a big date…dining and dancing without him…
The problem is—and here’s where you’re required to make a
major suspension of disbelief—Millie is apparently so repulsive that she is unable to get a date. But then a sudden thought crowds out the
chorus in her head…supposing she gets a wacky sitcom inspiration and only pretends to have a date?!! Later, dressed to the nines, Millie enters
the living room where Howard, Sam and Goober are seated, pining for a simpler
time when all they had to do was waste precious hours at Emmett’s fix-it shop.
MILLIE: Has anybody seen my pearl
earring? (She looks in her purse)
Oh! Here
it is!
HOWARD: My—don’t you look pretty!
MILLIE: Thank you!
GOOBER: Where are you goin’, all
dressed up?
MILLIE: Oh…just out…
SAM: You are?
MILLIE: Oh, Sam…Sam, I’ll need a
key…I’m going to be out a little late, and I don’t want anyone to wait up for me…
SAM (momentarily taken aback):
Oh…yeah… (He reaches into his pocket) Sure…
Great going, Millie!
Subtle as a sledgehammer to the forehead. Accepting the key, she starts to hum a merry
tune and saying her goodbyes, exits the house.
A concerned Goober then solemnly tells Sam: “I gotta say this, Sam…she
may have fooled you, but she didn’t fool me…she’s
got a date!” Sam, upping his inner
macho, pretends not to give a flying frog’s ass: “So what?”
Yes, this is the scene of Millie’s “date.” (Archie, Jughead and the rest of the gang
should be by any minute now.) A waitress
asks Millie what she’ll have and Millie responds (without any irony whatsoever)
that she’d “like to try a date malt.”
VI: Pretty dress…
MILLIE: Thanks…
VI: Got a heavy date, huh?
MILLIE: No…no…just killing time…
VI: Oh…been stood up, huh?
MILLIE (shaking her head): No…no,
no…
VI: Look, honey…talk about it if it will help…we hear it
all in here…
The actress playing the world-weary malt shop waitress who
answers to “Vi” is Patty Regan, a veteran character thesp who appeared in many
movies (How Sweet it Is!, Cross My Heart) and TV shows like Gomer
Pyle, U.S.M.C., My World and Welcome to It and the
Dick Van Dyke and Andy Griffith shows.
What was so amusing to me, however, is that there is a certain amount of
“verisimilitube” (or what my pal Toby calls “serendipiteevee”) in that Regan
played Daphne Parmenter in an episode (“Miss Parmenter”) of F-Troop…and
her brother, Wilton, was played by Ken
Berry on that classic sitcom.
The scene shifts back to the hacienda. Howard is mesmerized, working on his rock
collection (did he actually carry that damn thing on the plane with him?) and
Goober and Sam are engaged in a game of checkers. Add Emmett and some broken appliances and it’d
be just like back in Mayberry!
GOOBER: I wonder…what you-know-who is doin’ about now…
HOWARD: Goober…
SAM: Look, guys…it doesn’t bother me…it’s your move, Goob…
GOOBER (as he slides a checker): I
don’t know how you can concentrate on playin’
when you’re thinkin’ about Millie…
SAM: I am not thinking about Millie…
Sam makes his move, and that allows Goober to jump three of
Sam’s checkers. So he’s either thinking
about Millie or he’s letting himself be beat by a moron. Back at the malt shop, the clock reads 9:15 .
(Oh, the lateness of the hour!)
Millie demolishes the rest of her malt with a straw, making that “hit
bottom” sound that drives my Mom literally up a wall. (I’m not joking, by the way—it’s “nails on a
chalkboard” to her.)
MILLIE: Then he tells me I’m ridiculous…Vi, have you ever been
taken for granted?
VI: Honey, I’ve been taken for everything…
That Vi. She’s seen
and heard it all.
VI: You want another malt?
MILLIE: Why not? (She hands Vi her glass) Make it strawberry this time… (After a pause)
You know what I’m going to do? I’m going
to wait till midnight …and then I’m gonna muss my hair—just a little…and then I’m going to swirl
into the front door, all misty-eyed and gay…
You run into the front door like that, and you will be
misty-eyed…and probably unconscious.
MILLIE (laughs): …like I just got
back from the greatest evening in the
whole world…Sam will be so jealous…
VI: Not if he smells strawberry malt on your breath…
MILLIE (shrugging her shoulders): I’ll
chew some gum…
And we’re back at Selma ’s. Sam, staring at a weather report, can barely
hide the fact that Millie’s out for the evening is tearing him up. He nervously paces around the living room but
is interrupted by the arrival of Howard in his confirmed bachelor bathrobe.
HOWARD: Sam…Goober and I are making
some hot chocolate…you want some?
SAM: Well…no…actually…I-I was
thinking about taking a walk…uh…very
pretty out in the desert this time of night…
HOWARD (smiling): Yeah…sure is…
SAM: I’ll…uh…I’ll see you later…
HOWARD: Right…
Sam heads out the front door as Howard watches…and then
Goober emerges from the kitchen with a cup of cocoa.
GOOBER: Did he want some?
HOWARD: No…he went to look for Millie…
GOOBER: Well, it took him long enough…
Millicent, Millicent, Millicent…I hope you’re not planning
on driving home after that malted binge of yours…
VI: You haven’t tried the cocoanut yet…
MILLIE (putting up a hand): No,
thanks…four malts is enough… (She
glances over at a couple sharing milkshakes and kisses at another table) Oh…this
is dumb! Wha…what am I doing here, besides getting
fat?
Just that much more of you to love, my little dollop of
whipped cream…
MILLIE: This was supposed to be
such a great plan…and now I don’t
know…
VI: What about your grand entrance?
MILLIE (picking up her purse): Oh,
Sam will probably be asleep anyway…
(She hands Vi a large wad of bills) Here…keep the change…thanks for listening…
(She heads toward the door)
VI: Good luck, honey!
The scene then shifts to an area in downtown Palm
Springs .
Raucous music can be heard emanating from one establishment as Sam walks
along…he heads momentarily in the direction of the music, and then decides
against it. He then spots Millie
lollygagging down the way, by herself, and meeting up with her they engage in
small talk so banal it really isn’t worth the effort transcribing. The gist of it all is…Millie finally comes
clean that she was just doing a mindf**k on Sam.
MILLIE: I-I-I didn’t have a date,
Sam…
“Though I did have
a date…malt!”
SAM: You didn’t?
MILLIE: No…it was just a dumb
female plot…
Don’t run yourself down, darlin’…it would have worked, provided you had found the intestinal fortitude
to pick up the first stranger you met and bestowed upon him a wild night in the
sack.
MILLIE: Do you hate me?
I could never hate you, Millie. But I dislike Sam intensely. (What a wanker.).
SAM: Hate you? No…no…but I’ll tell you one thing…I was sure jealous…
MILLIE (with delight): Oh…really?
SAM: Oh, boy was I jealous!
MILLIE: Oh, Sam…
(The two of them embrace and kiss)
SAM: Listen…it’s still a little early…let’s go celebrate,
huh?
MILLIE: Oh, I’d love to!
SAM: There’s a little malt shop
right down the street…let’s go have a big,
thick malt—huh?
MILLIE (turning green): Great…
Oh, I know what you’re all thinking…a happy ending. But that means Millie will continue to spend
the rest of her days with Sam. (Now how happy are you?)
This weak episode has an even weaker coda: Sam and Millie
are back on the driving range, practicing their golf…and Millie is giving Sam a
few pointers on how to improve his game, prompting him to crack: “Oh, that’s
right…you know the golf pro personally, don’t you?” I’d like to be able to say that Millie then
splits his skull in two with the driver, making this the best R.F.D. episode
ever…but you should live so long.
Instead, she expresses a concern for ol’ Charlie though Sam tells her not
to worry—in the distance, they watch him instruct another unsuspecting female
in the art of the golf swing, and Sam observes lamely: “He bounces back real
fast.”
At the always reliable IMDb, Buddy Foster is credited with
appearing in this time-waster, but since his name doesn’t appear in the closing
credits I’m guessing they made one of their rare errors (he said sarcastically)…I’m
not even going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s possible
he was in some excised footage that was syndication-mandated. (It really doesn’t even matter in the long
run—anytime that little cretin has taken a powder is good news for me.) But despite her all-too-brief scene, Aunt Bee
is in this one…and so by tabulating Thrilling
Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ that makes six appearances for
Season Two, and a grand total of eighteen show-ups for the entire series so
far. But I have dreadful news to report:
she won’t be around for next week’s installment (and neither will Millie…damn
it!) which I actually considered holding off doing until the Wednesday after
next because of its B-Western connections…but then I decided I couldn’t do that
to the TDOY faithful. So join me next Monday for “Palm Springs
Cowboy”…featuring a special guest star (and I do mean special!)…
2 comments:
“Stay not mad!”
Perfect advice for every occasion.
I think what's so weird about this episode, and what makes it fall so flat, is there is no secondary plot. Maybe Goober keeping a secret was supposed to be the secondary plot, but I doubt it. They could have at least had Howard buy a rock tumbler.
I was hoping Charlie would show up at Selma's at the end and he would remind Aunt Bea of John Dehner (wink wink)
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