OUR STORY SO FAR:
Promotional posters for the 1945 serial Jungle Queen proudly trumpet “13
Chapters of Savage Thrills!”…proving that Hollywood
can be quite full of itself sometimes.
Obviously, this week’s installment contains nary a savage thrill in
sight, but it does manage to pick up from where we left off last week with the
rousing spectacle of secret agent doofus Chuck Kelly (Eddie Quillan) having a
savagely thrilling conversation with the Royal Commissioner and Office Supply
Procurer, Braham Chatterton (Lester Matthews).
Check out that first title card—if there’s really only a few
days left, they’d better get a move on with this thing…
CHUCK: So I came back here from the
camp…there’s no doubt, Mr. Chatterton, that Lang is a Nazi…Jungle Jack recognized him and is following him now…
CHATTERTON: That is important…you know, Lang must be a key man…he knows the middle jungle…and
he’s probably behind the trouble with the natives…
CHUCK: Sure—but he’s also hired by
Dr. Bork…and hangs out at her experimental
farm…
CHATTERTON: Chuck…do you and Bob suspect Bork?
CHUCK: Don’t you?
This kind of made me laugh out loud, because it’s almost as
if he’s saying “Hey…you’re the one
who’s paid to think…”
CHUCK: Bob and I separated…
I’m devastated to hear that.
You made such a lovely couple.
CHUCK: …and he’s on his way to have
a look at that farm…
CHATTERTON: Well, he’ll meet Pam there…she’s visiting the place with
Bork…
Chuck, being an American of Very Little Brain, suddenly
realizes it might not be a bad idea for him to get thee hence to Bork Acres,
seeing as she may be a Nazi and all that and that she has Pam in her
clutches. When Chatterton suggests
taking some of his men with him, Chuck replies: “Thanks, Commissioner—I
will…you can never tell about
Nazis.” Oh, that incorrigible Chuck.
So after the above title card, we find bossy Bob Elliot
(Edward Norris) where he was last week—about to be asphyxiated by a cloud of
poisonous gas that just happened to be handy at this experimental plant
farm. (Again…unless the joint is run by
Morticia Addams, using toxic gas around plants doesn’t make a whole lot of
sense.) Denker (Walter Bonn), the
clueless assistant of the previously mentioned Dr. Elise Bork (Tala Birell), is
thoroughly enjoying the task of killing Bob…but he’s stopped short when Bork
and Pamela Courtney (Lois Collier) return to the main office rather
unexpectedly and Pam hears Bob pounding with his pistol inside his death
chamber to be let out.
I love the expression on Denker’s face when Bork and Pam
come through the door. (“Oh, swear
word! Just when I was starting to have
fun!)
PAMELA: There’s somebody in that
room!
“What? No…that’s just
a little rodential problem we have…heh heh…”
Denker, mistaking Pam for a more formidable foe, brandishes a pistol and
pointing it at her intones ominously: “You condemned yourself by coming back too soon…now you’re going to join Elliot!”
Pam hears a car coming down the road to the farm and cracks:
“Don’t you think Mr. Eliot should join us?” (No, I have no idea why she said that,
either.) Pam tells Denker that the
approaching vehicle is “a constabulary car”—and unless those autos have special
horns or something, I don’t know how she could have known other than she’s been
assisted by lazy screenwriters.
Anyway, this simply will not do…those cops always ask too
many questions…so Bork shoots Denker!
BORK (to Pamela): I’ll shut the gas
off…you open the door—but hold your breath!
“For about the next six hours!” Well, it turns out that Pamela’s acute sense
of hearing is right on the money—Chuck and two members of Chatterton’s little
force enter and while Chuck helps pull a sputtering, choking Bob out of the
gassed room, Bork orders the two cops to take Denker’s pathetic corpse out of
there.
CHUCK (giving Bob a few slaps):
He’s okay, Pam…who did the shooting?
PAMELA: Dr, Bork…she saved us from
joining Bob!
(Bob continues to cough his dang
fool head off)
CHUCK: Take it easy, Bob…you’ll be
sure you’re alive any minute now…too bad Dr, Bork had to shoot the Nazi to save you… (Turning to Bork) But…maybe you could tell us something about him…
BORK (feigning surprise):
Nazis? Denker?
CHUCK: Uh-huh…
BORK: I suppose he was…but…I know
nothing about him except that he was an excellent farm manager…
“Come to think of it…I wondered why he wrote ‘Master’ after
‘Race' on his job application…”
BOB (with great difficulty): He
wouldn’t tell you he was a Nazi…probably
worked with Lang…
BORK: Are you sure about Lang?
CHUCK: Absolutely!
PAMELA: Then we’re making progress!
CHUCK: Plenty! We’re cleaning Nazis out of here…
“Serv-Pro…like the Second World War never even happened!”
A self-satisfied Chuck tells everyone that they know about
the radio station (K-NAZI) on Mt. Balgan, and
that Jungle Jack (Budd Buster) is headed there now. Sure enough, there is a dissolve to a scene
in the jungle where J-Jack, having been trailing Lang (Douglass Dumbrille) and
native chieftain Maati (Napoleon Simpson) since they left the camp of Pamela’s dead
uncle (quite), Alan Courtney, eavesdrops on a conversation between the two men
(joined by Maati’s devoted stooge Noma, played by Emmett Smith, and a few
extras), who are rehashing every event that has taken place in this
fershlugginer serial so far:
MAATI: Bwana Lang, I’m going back
to Tong-Gara…
LANG: That’s right, Maati…as long
as Kyba’s alive, you won’t be able to take Godac’s place without running the
risk of discovery…
NOMA: And who’ll kill Kyba? You kill Godac…you have him prisoner in your
caves!
“Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who kills who…”
LANG: That’s it…but Kyba must be dead first…so that Lothel
won’t have him to back her up…
MAATI: I know the secret of the
Sword of Tongu…I will say that Godac told it to me…and make myself judge in his
place…
NOMA: Only the judge knows the
secret…and he rules all tribes in the middle jungle…
LANG: That’s what I want…and Maati can help me…
MAATI: You help me, Bwana Lang…and
I’ll help you…
J-Jack is so absorbed with listening to this repetitive
expository dialogue that he fails to notice a couple of natives who have
sneaked up behind him and who speedily take him captive. (This speaks rather poorly for his alleged
animal hunting skills, by the way.) The
noise from the ensuing struggle attracts the attention of Lang and the other
natives, who rush over in time to allow Lang to deck the mighty hunter with a
sock to the jaw. “Jungle Jack, huh? Tie him up and I’ll take him with me.” (“Oh, and let me have some cole slaw and a package
of rolls, too…”) Lang also instructs
Maati to get back to Tong-Gara so that he can take care of
next-in-line-of-political-succession native Kyba (Clarence Muse).
I loved this next bit.
At the gathering place for the Tongghili tribes, we find the titular
monarch—Lothel (Ruth Roman) scampering through “The Room of Fire” and striking
a heroine’s pose as she emerges from the room…
…and everybody’s closed up shop for the day. She seems so small and insignificant. But worry ye not—Lothel makes her way through
the passageways and finds the chamber where Kyba is being held prisoner. (Each time Lothel appears onscreen, it’s
punctuated with a cymbal crash…as if one of the composer’s kids sneaked into
the recording room and started playing with the drum set.)
LOTHEL: Maati, the real traitor,
comes to murder you, Kyba…but you
must live and save Godac—the true
leader—who is a captive in the caves of Balgan…
Got all that, Kybe?
Outside the entrance to the chamber, an uncredited native nevertheless
lucky enough to get a few lines of dialogue is confronted by Maati.
NATIVE GUARD: It’s you, Maati…what
do you want here?
MAATI: I just wanted to be certain
that Kyba was safe…
NATIVE GUARD: Safe? You mean till the Test of Fire tomorrow…
MAATI: Kyba has been held hostage
from Lothel, mystery queen of the jungle…he must pay for her treachery…
But before the guard can ask “What is the cost?” Noma
manages to knife him in the back, killing him dead. Maati instructs Noma to hide the body (I’ll
bet with all those natives dying…and in that heat…that jungle must be stinkin’…) and take the place of the
guard while he puts Kyba out of circulation…
Meanwhile, back at Chatterton’s, Pam attempts to piece
together the puzzle for the slower members in the movie audience.
PAM: Dr. Bork shot that man Denker
to try to prove she wasn’t a Nazi…but I’m certain
that she is!
CHATTERTON: So am I, my dear…so are
Bob and Chuck…but we have no proof and so far she hasn’t betrayed herself…
“We’re forbidden to make leaps of logic in this serial except
in life-and-death situations.” There is
a knock on the door, and Rogers (Cyril Delevanti), Chatterton’s loyal aide up
until the point he pushes Brammy out of his job, ushers in our favorite faux
Swedish botanist.
CHATTERTON: Well, Doctor—your farm
has a clean bill of health…
BORK (laughing): I’m relieved to
hear that…
CHATTERTON: My dear doctor…you are
free to continue your work…
BORK: As you probably know, your
constabulary has been questioning me…
CHATTERTON (laughing): Ha ha…ha
ha…polite but thorough, what?
BORK: Very thorough…thank you, Mr. Chatterton…good night!
(Bork exits the office, and the
camera zooms in closer on Chatterton and Pamela)
CHATTERTON: What a
performance…she’s pretending that she
doesn’t know that we suspect her…
PAMELA: She’s smart…ruthless…
“I wonder where Ruth is?”
CHATTERTON: Mm-hmm…and that adds up
to dangerous, my dear…especially when
we don’t know what she’s going to do next…
Seriously, Big C…how did you get this position in the first
place? Relative in the House of Lords,
or…? Pamela then reveals to Chatterton
that Bob and Chuck suspect that Bork will soon return to the Nazi botany lab,
and that’s where we find the two of them as the scene shifts.
CHUCK: We’ve been waiting around
here for hours…and what’s happened? Nothing!
You know…I could easily say the same thing about this serial, Charles.
BOB: Nothing will until Lang comes back from Mt. Balgan
CHUCK: Suppose she doesn’t show up?
BOB: Well…then we’ll find out when
Lang does…
This next scene is almost—almost, mind you—worth having sat
through the previous ten chapters. Bob
and Chuck hear a phone ringing. We know
that it’s the secret-fireplace-phone, but they are oblivious to this (though it
would have been hysterical if one of them had said “That sounds like a
secret-fireplace-phone ring!”) so Bob picks up the receiver next to him, and of
course the phone continues to ring. They
canvass the office for a few seconds, and finally Chuck says, pointing to the
fireplace: “Sounds like it’s in there!”
Tugging at the bricks, they find the secret compartment and viola! Contact with the Nazis!
BOB: Waiting here has paid dividends…
CHUCK: I’ll say! We’ll find Nazis on the other end of this phone!
BOB: Follow the wires, you mean?
CHUCK: Not a bad trail, if you ask
me!
Well, nobody asked you…seriously,
though? You guys are going to follow
those wires through the…oh, just shoot me now.
This thing is never going to end.
Well, while these two chowderheads are working on that, Dr. Bork pulls
up in a clearing in her Woody, and getting out of the car, begins to walk down
a path until she hears someone approaching…so she quickly ducks into some
bushes. But there’s no need to be
frightened…it’s only Lang.
LANG: Why, Elise…what are you doing
here?
BORK: On my way to Balgan…I left
the car beside the road and doubled back through the trail…
LANG: Were you discovered?
BORK: Suspected…
LANG: Well, what about the
telephone?
“We’re paid up until the end of the month, don’t worry…I had
the cable and internet cancelled, though…”
BORK: The farm is no place for me now…I intend to send you from Balgan to
remove the phone…but…uh…that’ll wait…
LANG: Well, I’ll get rid of it—it won’t take long…I’ll use your car…
Yeah, you’d never be able to get service that time of night,
anyway. As Bob and Chuck discover the
direction of the phone wires, Lang makes his way back to where Bork parked her
car…but he stops suddenly when he sees another automobile approaching. The car stops, and out climbs dumb Pamela,
who calls out Bork’s name a few times before getting back into her ride...oblivious
to the fact that Lang has climbed onto the back as she pulls away. Meanwhile, the only two people stupider than
Pam continue to thrash about in the jungle, following a trail of phone wire.
CHUCK: Hey, Bob! Here it is, just like we figured…
BOB (staring off into the
distance): It goes to Balgan, all right…
CHUCK: Better than that—it goes to
the place we have to find!
Oh, ferchrissake—who authorized this phone line
installation, Wilhelm Klink? “If we’re
guessing right,” declares Chuck, “we ought to join up with Jungle Jack sooner
or later.”
“And Mr. Lang,”
warns Bob. (“I see nothink…nothink!!!”)
Well, as for Lang…he’s managed to hitch a ride back to the
farm because Pam doesn’t have the good sense God gave a billy goat to look in
her rearview mirror…so when she gets out calling for Bob and Chuck and then
goes into Bork’s office, Lang stealthily follows her. Pam borrows Bork’s phone to touch base with
Chatterton:
PAMELA: They aren’t here, Mr. Chatterton…I followed Dr. Bork
from Tambosa…she parked the car on the side of the road about halfway to the
farm…so I came on here…
CHATTERTON (on the other end):
Either they’re following Nazis, or the Nazis have… (Realization has set in)
Return here at once!
PAMELA: Very well…
No sooner does Pamela hang up the receiver when everybody’s
favorite Nazi bursts in. “Thought you’d
find Elliot or Kelly here, didn’t you?” asks Lang with a sneer. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” (“And this time you’re riding on the back of the car!”)
Dragging Pam outside, Lang notices where Bob and Chuck dug
around in the ground and finds the exposed telephone wires. He pushes Pamela back toward the office,
announcing: “Now it’s my time to telephone!”
And one optical wipe later, Lang is on the horn with Nazi radio operator
Weber (Louis Adlon):
WEBER: Yes, Lang…I rang the farm
about an hour after you left the caves here…I figured Dr. Bork would be there
waiting for you…Muller and Heinkel just brought in another prisoner…
It would appear that Kyba is now in the clutches of Nazi
temps Muller (George Eldredge) and Heinkel (Peter Helmers)…and it would also
appear that my advice to Kyba in an earlier chapter for him to run for the
hills was apparently in error, as the hills he ran toward were crawling with
Nazis.
LANG: Kyba? Good!
I’ve got a prisoner, too…Pamela
Courtney…
“Oh, yeah? Well, I’ve
captured…uh…um…Morgan Fairchild! Yeah, that’s the ticket…”
WEBER: The Courtney girl, eh? What do you want done with this Kyba…give him
to Maati? Or keep him here? (To Muller and Heinkel) Put him in the cave with Jungle Jack… (Heinkel drags
Kyba off) Yes, Lang…what? No…they dug up
the wires? Ja…ja…don’t worry, Lang…
(Weber hangs up the receiver)
MULLER: What’s up?
WEBER: Lang is pretty sure that Elliot
and Kelly are tracing the telephone line here…
“Oh, oh telephone
line/Give me some time, I'm living in twilight…” Great…now that’s going to be in my head the
rest of the day. “And I can't get it out of my head/No, I can't get it out of my head...” Damn you, ELO!
WEBER: …you and Heinkel know how to
fix it for them…don’t you?
MULLER: Sure…Dr. Bork showed us…it
was her idea…
“Because they sure as hell don’t pay us to think, my good man…”
So Weber instructs Muller to handle it, and we cut back to Bob and Chuck
in the jungle…and the audience begins to wonder whatever became of those hungry
lions from Chapter 9…?
CHUCK: We’re going straight to
Balgan, all right…by the slowest, toughest route I’ve ever taken anyplace…
BOB: Yeah, those last few hills
were kind of tough…
CHUCK: Hills? Mountains
as far as I’m concerned…
What a creampuff. You
know, you two baboons could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you had
just gotten in touch with the phone company and asked to speak to the techs who
installed that…well, now that I think of it that might have presented more
problems and extended this serial more than is needed. (“What was the name on that order again? Cork ? Oh, Bork…spell
that for me, would you?”)
Back in the caves, Dr. B has a chinwag with the captured
Kyba, Pamela and Jungle Jack…
BORK: You see, Miss Courtney…I am responsible for Germany
PAMELA: Is that all Germany
BORK: No…Africa … (Elise is joined by Lang) I am only one of many key agents…but now, like the others, I can report success…for your information, Mr. Elliot
and Mr. Kelly will never reach Balgan…
Oh, I know she’s
just toying with us…but on the off-chance she isn’t…bring on the lions! Lang
then informs Bork that the two of them need to have a talk with Godac (Clinton
Rosemond)—the all-powerful judge of the middle jungle tribes—who’s cooling his
heels in a separate cave.
GODAC: I’ve been expecting you!
BORK: Have you made up your mind to
cooperate with us?
GODAC: No…
LANG: Well, in that case you will
be killed…Kyba, too…
What I enjoy most about Dumbrille’s performance in this is
that he never reaches for any over-the-top hamminess…any time he tells anyone
they’re going to be eliminated he does it with all the efficiency of a human
resources technocrat. (“Oh, and make
certain that ZPG-30 Death form is back on my desk before three p.m. , okay?”)
GODAC: Maati would then produce the
Sword of Tongu…would he not?
BORK: Of course…
GODAC: But Maati does not know the true secret…I only told Maati about the other sword…
LANG: What other sword?
GODAC: It looks exactly like the
Sword of Tongu…but it’s not the real
sword…
Okay…I can hear you getting restless in your seats out
there. Look, they’ve been making this
sh*t up ever since we started this thing…why should they quit now? (“You have to hand it to those Tongghili…they
got a duplicate sword in case an emergency like this cropped up…”)
BORK: Who knows the difference?
GODAC: Only one man can tell the
real sword from the false…
Coincidentally, he also knows which twin has the Toni.
GODAC: Maati cannot rule the middle
jungle people unless he knows where the real sword is hidden…
I love that look Bork gives Lang. It’s like “Well, you can give that psycho the news…because once he hears about this,
innocent people will die…” She tells Lang: “Godac will reveal the secret
to us a little later…after Muller and
Heinkel report that Elliot and Kelly are dead!”
So as Muller and Heinkel patiently wait for those two
goobers to stumble upon the faux hideout, we learn from more awkward dialogue
that the two temps changed the direction of the wires to lead to a trap
prepared by the smarter-than-your-average-Nazi Dr. Bork. Bob and Chuck are puzzled that the wires
don’t precisely lead to Balgan, but Chuck waves this off with “Leave it to the
Nazis to have more than one hideout—they sure plan things!”
The two men follow the wire into a cave…and then into a
smaller cave. Grabbing the wire, Bob
finds a dead end and remarks: “Uh-oh…”
Heinkel pushes the plunger and…
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