Oh, have we wacky shenanigans aplenty for you this week on Doris Day(s)! Lovable old ladies…flagrant disrespect for the law…Leroy B.
We begin with a scenario familiar from anyone’s
childhood…and even if you didn’t have a childhood, you’ve certainly seen it on
shows like My Three Sons and The Brady Bunch. The Widder Martin (Doris) is in the kitchen,
stirring up what appears to be a mess o’fudge—I’m guessing it’s fudge because Dor’s
loyal housekeeper Juanita (Naomi Stevens) mentions that it’s breakfast—when she
becomes all too aware that her two progeny, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod
Starke), are being slug-a-beds. And
hey—those little pukes have got to be at the bus stop soon!
BILLY (in bed): Just five more
minutes…
DORIS: Not even five more seconds—now, you’ve got ten minutes to get down to breakfast and
twenty-five minutes to get to the
bus! So come on!
BILLY: I’m not hungry!
TOBY: Me either!
Hey—that’s quick thinking, Billy boy! That means you can lay in bed another ten
minutes! But because Doris has “to go
through this every morning,” she has a backup plan: she sends Nelson the
sheepdog (Lord Nelson) into the boys’ room to make certain they keep that
appointment with the school bus. Poor
Nelson. He’s simply powerless to resist
Doris’ bidding, as he was that fateful day in Larchmont. (“Get in the car…I command you to get in the car!”)
Back in the kitchen, Doris lets Juanita know she can start the eggs (eggs for breakfast? There’s a novelty…) when the two of them are interrupted by a siren outside in the yard. “It’s Ben!” exclaims Doris; she is referring to Sheriff Ben Anders, played by this familiar character face.
It’s Barney Phillips—the actor who briefly replaced Barton Yarborough as Jack Webb’s Dragnet partner on both the radio and TV shows (before the network insisted Phillips be replaced because they felt he looked too much like Jack). His many radio appearances (he possessed one of the medium’s most distinctive voices) were on shows like The Whistler, Escape, Suspense, Gunsmoke, Have Gun – Will Travel and Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar; he also made the rounds on many TV programs including regular stints on Johnny Midnight (a detective show starring Edmond O’Brien), The Brothers Brannagan, 12 O’Clock High (as “Doc” Kaiser), Felony Squad, Dan August and The Betty White Show. Barney’s extensive radio resume also got him work voicing characters in animated cartoons: he was the genie they called Shazzan!—not to mention Porthos in the Three Musketeers segments on The Banana Splits Adventure Hour and appeared in later series like The New Fred and Barney Show and Jana of the Jungle.
Phillips makes two appearances on The Doris Day Show as
Sheriff Anders—the second, “The Tiger,” is a dismal affair that will take all
of my considerable powers of snark to muddle through. But that’s in the future; right now Ben’s got
a problem:
BEN: Treasury agents—Alcohol and
Tax Division…they arrived this morning…
DORIS: Oh, the McGlinsey Sisters again…
BEN: That’s right—yes…they set up
another still and they’re at it again!
DORIS: You’re kidding!
BEN: No—I passed the word that
they’re gonna be in trouble but they won’t listen!
DORIS: Well, I guess I’d better get
going…
Doris…sweetie…just because it’s your name on the show doesn’t mean you have to handle every crisis.
DORIS: No!
BEN: You know better than that…if I
go out there officially, I’ve got to run them in…
Why, Ben—that’s very Andy Taylor-ish of you. ("By the way...how's your mom, Ed?") “That’s right—I’m the one who has to go,”
Doris explains to her father (Denver Pyle), while Anders adds “She’s the only
one that they trust.” Oh, Doris—you’re
such a supermom! All Doris has to do is
get rid of the still…without getting caught.
Buck sends Ben on his way, and Doris darts back in the house…where she
is confronted by her sleepy-headed, cretinous sons.
BILLY: What’s the matter, Mom?
TOBY: What did the sheriff want?
DORIS (as she primps in front of a
mirror): Will you two get upstairs and finish dressing? Now it’s getting so late…
TOBY: Where are you going?
DORIS: Uh…on an errand, honey…
BILLY: To the McGlinsey Sisters?
DORIS: How do you know that?
BILLY: We heard you talkin’ to the
sheriff…
DORIS: Oh, you did…?
TOBY: What’s a still?
“It’s something I wish you were more often.” Doris shoos the kids upstairs, telling them
to shake a leg—and after a brief physical bit with Nelson, who’s preventing her from
adjusting her accoutrements, she’s out to the kitchen to answer questions from
Juanita about why Sheriff Ben was snooping around. Doris explains the situation regarding the
Sisters McGlinsey, and asks her to take charge of getting her children to
school because she has other priorities.
DORIS: Just see to it that they
make that bus…
JUANITA: Are they late?
DORIS: Yes—they’re very late…
“Thanks, boss lady…thanks for adding another chore to my
list of Menial Tasks That Need Done Today.”
Doris goes out to the station wagon, and having opened the door watches
Nelson leap into the car and the front seat.
(“Take this car to New York, lady—or I’ll maul the little kid.”) There’s some sustained business with Dor and
Nels—she pleads with the mutt to amscray usterbay—and then having rid herself
of that fleabag, starts to back out of the yard…where she is then blocked by
her idiot handyman, seated on a tractor.
LEROY: Sure thing, Miz
Martin…say—you know, I had the craziest
dream last night…do you wanna hear about it?
DORIS: Leroy…really…I’m a big
hurry…
LEROY: Well, it’ll only take a
second…
“I was naked in this room…surrounded by bananas…then the
room turned into a train, and it was going into a tunnel!” Doris pleads with Leroy to get out of the way
and plant the tractor in the barn, and he finally agrees to her request. And with that, Doris is off to warn Cotina’s
answer to the Baldwin Sisters—Lydia and Adelaide McGlinsey.
Lydia—or “Liddie,” as she is called in the episode—is played by a true show business veteran in Jesslyn Fax, whose best remembered boob tube gig (and on radio as well) might be that of Angela Devon on Our Miss Brooks. In addition, Fax had regular stints on Many Happy Returns and The Jack Benny Show; on the Benny program she usually played one of the devoted members of his fan club. Jesslyn is best remembered as “Miss Hearing Aid”, the sculptor in Hitchcock’s Rear Window (1954), and she also appears in such films as Kiss Me Deadly (1955), Desk Set (1957), Blue Denim (1959), The Music Man (1962), 4 for Texas (1963) and the Don Knotts vehicles The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1965) and The Love God? (1969).
Sister Adelaide—“Addie” to her many gentlemen callers—is played by another actress who’s no slouch in movies and TV; we remember Florence Lake best here at TDOY as Edgar Kennedy’s wife in many of the Slow Burn Master’s classic RKO two-reel comedies, but she also appeared in the likes of The Rogue Song (1930), The Drums of Jeopardy (1931), Quality Street (1937), Stagecoach (1939), Bachelor Mother (1939), San Diego I Love You (1944), The Stratton Story (1949) and The Day of the Locust (1975). (Lake was in a few Lassie episodes as Jenny, the telephone operator.) In a little thing we used to call vaud-a-ville, Florence frequently performed with her brother Arthur—who later became the personification of Dagwood Bumstead on radio and TV and in the movies.
LIDDIE: Addie—you have the cooker turned
up too high!
ADDIE: Mercy! My goodness!
(She lowers the fire on the still) There—it’s turned down now…
LIDDIE: You can’t rush good white
lightning, Addie—don’t you remember what Daddy used to say?
ADDIE: No…what’d he say?
LIDDIE: “You can’t rush good white
lightning…”
ADDIE: Daddy always had a way with
words…
“I remember how he and Ashley Longworth used to sit for
hours, seeing who could drink the most of The Recipe.” To be honest, I think I like the “little old
lady” bootleggers of The Waltons better than the
McGlinseys—it was charming that Mamie and Emily Baldwin were completely
oblivious to the fact that they were manufacturing shine. Liddie’s going to run the fermentation check
while Addie sterilizes the bottles…but a honking horn can be heard outside, and
that means Doris has arrived to rain on their parade.
LIDDIE: Addie! Visitors!
Now you know what to do…
ADDIE: Roger!
LIDDIE: Can’t you say anything but
‘Roger’?
ADDIE: How ‘bout ‘Wilcox’?
The McGlinseys apparently have a routine down whereupon they camouflage their still and other equipment to escape the notice of possible “revenooers.” However, their attempts at subterfuge are for naught—it’s just Doris, girls! Before she enters the house, however, Dodo does two bits of physical comedy: 1) she forgets she’s wearing her seatbelt as she gets out of the car and 2) she loses her cute hat running to the house and has to go back after it.
DORIS: I’ve got some bad news for
you…
LIDDIE: Now you sit right
down—we’ll put the teakettle on…
DORIS: Honey, I’d love it…but we
don’t have time…
ADDIE: I just baked a batch of
fresh cookies!
And that’s when the boiler on the still kicks up again,
prompting a look from Doris. “Well, I
thought I had it turned down low enough,” Addie says sheepishly.
DORIS: Look—that’s why I’m
here…you’re going to have visitors in very soon…
ADDIE: You mean the fuzz?
DORIS: Two federal agents are
arriving in town this morning!
LIDDIE: They never sent two before!
ADDIE: They must think we’re mighty
important!
LIDDIE: It’s a proud day for the
McGlinseys!
ADDIE: Wouldn’t Daddy be pleased!
Okay, Gran’ma—let’s save the end zone dance for later, shall
we? “Daddy won’t be so pleased if you
two land in jail,” retorts Dor matter-of-factly. “You’ve got to get rid of that still and all
the whiskey on the place”—and so Operation Sobriety gets underway.
LIDDIE: Why—they’d never find our
still the way we have it disguised!
ADDIE: Even you wouldn’t have
recognized it if it hadn’t been for the smoke…
DORIS: Honey, this disguise
wouldn’t fool Toby…
“And believe me—that kid is an idiot!” Addie goes over to a book on the shelf and pulls out a container of shine that was hidden in one of the volumes (I’ll bet it’s Leaving Las Vegas)—then tells Doris that’s the extent of their inventory. Doris might have been born at night…but it wasn’t last night; and she proceeds to round up the rest of the hooch.
Doris walks over to a picture hanging on a wall and opens a secret panel…as a sandbag come crashing down. The McGlinsey gals are still protesting. “Well, you know very well we have to have a little around for medicinal purposes,” complains Liddie.
“That’s right—it’s wonderful if you’ve got the grippe,” adds
Addie. Doris takes two bottles from the
picture stash and puts them in a wicker basket, then moves onto a wall clock…
…that’s been booby-trapped with a stream of water. The girls agree to help Doris out, and they begin gathering up bottles as our heroine reaches into the fireplace…
…oh, that’s going to leave a mark. “It works!” says Liddie delightfully. “We had that changed since you were here.”
“The delayed action was my idea,” Addie points out. Doris, convinced she’s found it all, heads
out to the wagon and Addie volunteers to help her…but then Doris remembers that
Ray Milland used to board with the McGlinseys…
“At least she didn’t find these,” Addie says excitedly…but Doris quickly comes back inside the house and snatches up the grippe medicine.
ADDIE: Oh, Doris—it’s a terrible
waste…
DORIS: And while I’m gone, you’d
better get rid of that still…
LIDDIE: Get rid of it? Why, it’s the best one we ever had!
ADDIE: What’ll we do with it?
DORIS: I don’t know what you’re
gonna do with it—but get it out of that house, and hide it somewhere!
“Well,” says Liddie sadly, “if we must, we must.” Dor promises her she’ll be back later…and she
speeds off in the station wagon.
LIDDIE: There goes the last drop we
had on the place, Addie…
ADDIE: Oh my goodness—I just had
the most terrible thought!
LIDDIE: What was it?
ADDIE: What if one of us should
come down with the grippe?!!
Old people…they sure are funny. (And with what little they get from Social
Security, I’m not surprised they have to run shine to make ends meet.) Tooling down a Cotina country road, Doris’
ride quickly stops when she gets a flat tire.
Cheese and crackers—now what she is supposed to do? Not to worry! These nice gentlemen who were coincidentally following in their sedan can lend a hand. Except for one thing…
…Treasury Department—a Quinn Martin Production! Yes, these are the two agents referred to earlier—Bronson (Tom Falk) and Willoughby (Jeff DeBenning). This is Falk’s second and last appearance on the show—he played a sergeant in the earlier “The Fly Boy.”
DORIS: Oh…look…thanks so much for
stopping…but I can really handle it myself!
I really can!
BRONSON: No trouble! I’ll get a jack!
Oh, you’ll find plenty of jack back there in the trunk, my good man!
WILLOUGHBY: Oh, no—you can relax,
ma’am…we’d be more than happy to take care of it for you…
DORIS: Oh…yes…well…I don’t want to
put you in any trouble…
WILLOUGHBY: No, it’s no trouble at
all!
DORIS: I’ve done this a thousand
times…
WILLOUGHBY: I’m sure, but it’s…
Agent Bronson moves the basket with the illegal liquor to
better access the tire jack…and drops one of the Mason jars on the ground...thereby
making this discovery:
BRONSON: Ma’am…? (Doris stops short) Agents Bronson and
Willoughby…Treasury Department…
DORIS: Gentlemen…this whole thing
is a big mistake! I mean…I can explain
everything! You see…
WILLOUGHBY: Ma’am, it’s our duty to
inform you that…it’s our duty to inform you that anything you say may be used
against you…
BRONSON: However, you don’t have to
make any statements or answer any questions until you’ve obtained legal
counsel…
DORIS: Legal counsel? But I just told you the whole thing’s a
mistake…
That’s right, Missy—and you’re the one who made it! “Nobody knows…the trouble I’ve seen…” Now would be a good time for a Ralston-Purina break, n'est-ce pas?
Back from commercial, Doris is still in the sneezer as Sheriff
Ben is discussing with Agents Bronson and Willoughby just where she’ll be sent
and how soon it will be before some inmate makes Doris her bitch.
BRONSON: That’ll be fine… (To his
partner) Will, do you want to take these bottles in back there?
WILLOUGHBY (referring to his
cigarette): Yeah, but…I think I ought to put this out first…you know, I
wouldn’t want to be around here if this stuff ever blew up! (He chuckles to
himself)
BRONSON: No problem—you wouldn’t be…
“She can’t be in this alone, Sheriff,” Bronson
continues. “We’ll take a look around
back where we picked her up…see if we can’t find her accomplices.” That means a return to Casa del McGlinsey, and
the Feds tell Ben they’ll be back at three o’clock.
DORIS (from her cell): Come on,
Ben—I’ve got to get going!
BEN: What went wrong?
DORIS: Oh, I had a flat tire…
BEN: Well, you can’t get arrested
for having a flat tire!
DORIS: So what am I doing here?
Ben is sort of violating his oath of office by letting Doris
out so she can head back to the McGlinsey’s and find out what they did with the
still. “As long as you’re back before
three,” Anders warns her, “as far as I’m concerned you never left.” Huh…this lax law enforcement is quite a
change from the previous Ben Anders that we were introduced to in “The
Matchmakers”—perhaps this is because he was played by Frank Maxwell in that
episode. (Yes, it’s the same friggin’
lawman!)
To the accompaniment of some wacky travelin’ music, Doris
drives down several Cotina back roads like a mad stuntwoman—but has the
distinct advantage of being more familiar with the area than the visiting Treasury
agents, so she arrives at the House of McGlinsey first. She does the seatbelt bit again, and rushes
into the house.
LIDDIE: Oh, Doris—we’re so glad
you’re here…
DORIS: Where you’d put the still?
LIDDIE: We didn’t forget,
Doris! We put it where nobody will ever find it!
DORIS: Good! Oh, but what a relief… (As Addie hands her a
plate of cookies) I’ll take one… (With a mouth full of cookie) Where’d you put
it?
ADDIE: At your place! (Doris chokes on her cookie) Oh—did it go
down the wrong pipe, honey?
Wash that down with a little applejack, Doris—that’ll do the
trick. No, no time—Doris is out the door
and running back to her car.
Now, I’m just going to break from this a bit to call
shenanigans on this twist in the plot—mainly: how did the McGlinsey gals get
the still over to Rancho Webb in the first place? They don’t appear to have any
transportation…and as we will soon see, neither Uncle Jesse Buck nor
Leroy know about the still on the property.
I realize writers Lloyd Turner and Gordon Mitchell wanted to keep the
antics ramped up to “eleven,” but that’s an awful gaping plot hole to drive
that station wagon through. And that’s
as good a way as any to get back to the narrative—Doris peels out and heads for
her house…just as Bronson and Willoughby are pulling up at the McGlinsey’s.
WILLOUGHBY: Of course not—she’s in
jail!
BRONSON: Well, it sure looked like her!
WILLOUGHBY: You think she’s the
only blonde in the county?
BRONSON: Maybe not…but she’s
driving the same make and model car!
Okay, maybe Bronson has a point, Will. The two agents give chase, but Doris still
has that home field advantage. She makes
it back to the lockup with seconds to spare, and Ben puts her back in her cell.
WILLOUGHBY: I told you—I told you
she would be!
BRONSON: I could have sworn that was her…
WILLOUGHBY: Yes, but you can see
that it wasn’t…
Bronson still isn’t convinced…but he’ll investigate further
after he and his partner finish having a look around Doris’ place. As soon as they’re out the door, Sheriff Ben
pumps Dor for info.
BEN: Did the sisters get rid of the
still?
DORIS: Oh, yeah…
BEN: Good—where?
DORIS: My place…
BEN: Your place? That’s where they’re headed now!
DORIS: What?!! Oh, Ben—get me outta here!
Once again, Anders has to collect the keys to the cell
and…you know, Benny—you could save yourself a heap o’trouble if you’d design
that cell like something out of Stalag 13.
(Doris, for some odd reason, feels like she can’t go anywhere without
her hat and coat—I think if I were facing the kind of charges she is that would
be the last of my worries.) As more
wacky music is heard on the soundtrack, there’s footage of Doris racing to her
house in a manner where you’d swear you could hear Waylon Jennings in the
background. (“About this time at the
Boar’s Nest, Boss Hogg and Roscoe were cooking up a scheme that’s sure to land
Bo and Luke in some real hot water…”)
Meanwhile, at Webb Farms—Leroy is pitching hay into the back
of a truck while Buck works on the motor in his jeep. “I’m going to have to take this thing all the
way down to the block—I’ll be all day getting it put back together,” Buck gripes.
“Well, I’ll give you a hand just as soon as I finish here,”
Leroy promises him…and then his pitchfork hits something hard in the hay.
LEROY: Mister Webb—could you come
here a second?
BUCK: What?
LEROY: I said could you…? (He lifts
up the still)
BUCK: Hey! That’s a…how’d that get there?
And that’s when Doris pulls in with the station wagon. “Hey—isn’t this the McGlinsey’s still?” Buck
asks his daughter as she struggles to get out of the car. “Sure is—and there are two Federal agents
right behind me!” she responds, out of breath.
“Revenooers!” yells Leroy as he drops the still. Doris orders Leroy to hide her wagon and Buck
to get rid of the still. The
quick-thinking Buck puts it back in the hay as the Federal boys start pulling onto
the ranch’s access road.
The seams in “The Still” start to show again with the following sequences. As you can see in the above screen cap, Leroy and Buck work on the jeep while a third person clad in coveralls is underneath. Naturally, you’ve figured out that is Doris is under the vehicle—though when Bronson and Willoughby arrive and introduce themselves, Buck in turn introduces “the third man” as his son.
The agents inform Buck that they believe he has a still on
the premises, and ask to take a look around.
The Feds head off to look in the barn, and Doris emerges from underneath
the Jeep to help her pop find a better hiding place for the still. Leroy acts as lookout, but before Buck and
Dor get anywhere with the still, he alerts them to the returning agents, and
the still goes back in the hay…and Doris back under the Jeep. (Face first this time.)
Now, this is funny maybe one time—but it’s repeated once
more with no variation: agents leave; an attempt to hide the still; agents
return; Doris under the Jeep. Somebody
like Lucille Ball could have milked this for comedy gold—but alas, Day is not
up to the task. So Bronson and
Willoughby leave (believe me, it wasn’t easy resisting temptation to make a Then
Came Bronson joke), and that means Doris has to beat the two of them
back to the Sheriff’s office. Doris
takes Leroy with her because she needs him for the payoff, and mercifully we
are spared any more footage of driving with a dissolve to the jail.
DORIS: They can’t be far
behind…here, Leroy—take the keys…get all of the moonshine out of that closet,
you hear?
LEROY: Okay! (He locks Doris back in her cell)
DORIS: Without that—they don’t have
a case!
LEROY (as he fumbles for the key to
the closet): What’ll I do with it?
DORIS: I don’t know—just hide it!
“Boy, it sure is dark in here,” observes Leroy as he enters the closet, striking a match. “Yeah,” confirms Doris, “whatever you do—don’t light a…”
Ka-boom! That blowed up real good! Just in time for Agents Bronson and Willoughby to arrive and see that a corn-fed hick has completely destroyed their carefully constructed case against Doris.
The coda finds our girl and Sheriff Ben having a spot of tea
and some cookies in the home of Cotina’s most notorious rum runners…
LIDDIE: Doris, we really don’t know
how to thank you, dear…
BEN: Oh, I can tell you how to
thank us both…don’t make any more of that moonshine!
DORIS: Right! Boy, Ben and I decided we can’t go through
this again!
ADDIE: Well, you won’t have to,
honey—Liddie and I are going to turn over a new leaf…aren’t we, Liddie?
LIDDIE: We certainly are!
DORIS: That’s the best news I’ve
heard all week…
Well, that and Leroy’s bandages will be off soon. Like a good hostess, Addie runs to the alcove
to fetch Doris’s gloves…and reveals…
…the only truly funny bit here is that Anders immediately turns his back upon seeing the still, like Schultz on Hogan’s Heroes. (“I see nothing…NOTHING!”)
“The Still” marks the first Doris Day Show episode
that credits Dodo’s son Terry Melcher as the show’s executive producer; a job
previously afforded to her husband Martin, who—as we have discussed previously
on Doris
Day(s)—was really most sincerely dead at the time the series was
telecast over CBS. That’s one of many
reasons why I believe the oft-told tale that Doris didn’t learn of her sitcom
commitment until after Marty snuffed it is a lot of fiction—I don’t understand
why a dead guy gets a producer’s credit, and it’s not like he would have cared
if they took his name off the show.
“The Still” is also the last tolerable episode of the
series’ first season—next time on Doris Day(s), it’s “The Gift,” a
Leroy-centric episode that is really a tough slog (plus there’s nary a character
actor to brighten it up), followed by the aforementioned “The Tiger,” which is
no picnic in the park either. The nadir
of the first season, “The Date,” follows both of those…but the series ends on
an optimistic note with “The Five Dollar Bill.”
So if you’re game, join us—won’t you?
4 comments:
Another terrific recap, my friend. This episode is an absolute hoot.
Leroy is... boy, he's difficult to take, isn't he?
You left out one of Barney Phillips most famous roles (Famous that is to those of us who've watched episodes of the original Twilight Zone about a zillion times) that of Haley the diner cook (and unbeknownst to the audience a 3-eyed Venusian) in "Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?"
You left out one of Barney Phillips most famous roles (Famous that is to those of us who've watched episodes of the original Twilight Zone about a zillion times) that of Haley the diner cook (and unbeknownst to the audience a 3-eyed Venusian) in "Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?"
My original game plan was that I was going to use that photo of him from Zone...and then I decided to change it out at the last second. But yes, I did regrettably leave it out. Mea culpa.
Along with TZ i was trying hard to remember the show where he got to display some nice comedy chops (because it certainly wasn't Doris')... Then it hit me like a merengue -- ol' Barney was on the underrated Betty White show, which was a semi-spin off from Mary Tyler Moore Show. Which ties in well with my other fond recollection for Florence Lake, who was the "recipient" of Lou Grant's charm as Martha Dudley during MTM's 4th season -- i can't help chuckling now as i can picture Lou's quick burn when he realizes his blind date is a septigenarian! Is this a new game -- six degrees of James Hampton? Again, great summary!
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