Holding pattern

Since I’m at the halfway point before Thrilling Days of Yesteryear makes its official move to the brand-spanking-new WordPress blog in October, I thought I’d post this to let you know why TDOY went silent this week.

I had planned to have a few reviews up but the post I penciled in for Monday got pushed to the side due to a Radio Spirits liner notes project I was trying to complete.  That activity took place all weekend, the time I utilize to plan what will go up on the blog for the week.  With my RS assignment completed, I had to further postpone posts because of that Irma thing (we were a lot luckier than some of our fellow Georgians in that our electricity didn’t go on vacation during the storm…but it did come and go a few times, interfering with the movie I was trying to watch) …and then a pair of doctor appointments (for the patriarch of Rancho Yesteryear, mi padre) ate up some more time.  I finally said ta heck wid it and vowed to get back to the blogging thing Monday.

In the meantime, I’ve been doing a little hammering-and-nailing at the new site; there are close to 300 classic TDOY posts up there now, some with new photos added and a few tweaks and edits here and there.  I’ve also been doing a little pruning here at the old blog; I’ve made some editorial decisions about what to transfer and what to destroy—so if it looks as if the old blog has lost a little weight that’s the reason.  It’s simply going to be too Herculean a task to transfer everything to the new site, and some past posts will have to sit in the waiting room (most appropriate in light of the medical appointments this week) while others will simply vanish into the blogosphere, accessible only for those patient to sift through archive.org.

So that’s how things stand—come back by next week and I’ll have a thing or two to bend your ear about.  Have a great weekend, cartooners!

Please permit us to pause…

I really hate to put the brakes on the ol’ blog while I was going great guns (more or less), but it’s going to be silent for the rest of the week.  My sister Kat is in town, and she brought along with her my favorite nephew…who’ll be occupying much of my free time here at Rancho Yesteryear.  (Kat and Mom left him with Dad and I while Mom is at her doctor’s appointment….so the old man and I are gonna get Davis a tattoo.)  Normal blogging will resume Monday, so until then—make the most of your weekend, cartooners!

“…the problem here is that...my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh...my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of...penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis...”

I hadn’t planned to use the “Harold Lloyd More to Come” screen grab so soon but…there will be no Crime Does Not Pay this week.  A combination of outside interference (mi madre wanted me to accompany her to Kroger Nation so I could lift and tote several cases of bottled water) and just plain laziness (my old friend!) conspired to fill me with overwhelming ennui—so I decided to shelve it and do it next week.  (Blog godmother S.Z. is probably wreaking havoc as you read this, stealing high schoolers’ lunch money and selling reverse mortgages to seniors.)  But fret not: Thrilling Days of Yesteryear will return next week with…stuff.  Have a great weekend, cartooners!

Please permit us to pause…

I had originally planned a review of an upcoming Time Life DVD release in their The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson series for this space today…but unfortunately, I ran out of weekend before I watched the last disc in the 3-DVD set.  I’ll have it up on the blog Wednesday, so don’t go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on...buttering scones...or getting crumbs and bits of food out of those round brown straw mats that the teapot goes on.  Once again: normal blogging will resume tomorrow.  (The screen grab above is from a May 21, 1982 telecast that also featured “More to Comes” with Buster Keaton, Harry Langdon, Harold Lloyd, and Mae West.)

Well—that was easy…

Many thanks to commenter Rick Robinson and a few other Facebook denizens for their moral support during The Great Computer Crisis of 2017.  I took it into Reboot Computer Friday morning—shortly after they opened—and they had the hard drive replaced and ready to rock ‘n’ roll three hours later.  (Same day service, baby!)  If you live in the Classic City (Athens) or in the surrounding area, I’d highly recommend them—we’re probably going to take one of our troublesome laptops in later when we have a few extra shekels.  Thrilling Days of Yesteryear will resume as normal Monday, so make an appointment, hoo-kay?  

When it rains… (I get wet)

This hasn’t been the best of weeks in recent memory, cartooners.  I was doing a few chores on my desktop computer Monday afternoon when the fershlugginer thing decided it had had enough and whipped out the Dreaded Blue Screen of Death.  I waited until it finished its snit and rebooted…only it wouldn’t reboot.

I shut it down, and later that evening (much later—we’re talking after midnight) I turned it back on to see if it had worked out its issues…and though it seemed to perform much more slowly than it had previously, it eventually returned to the land of the living.  Its visit here, however, was brief; it froze up again that afternoon (dispensing with the Blue Screen) and from that moment on, anytime I tried to resurrect it the computer flatly refused to cooperate.  I tried two resets…nothing.  I ran a series of diagnostic tests, and when it received a failing grade on the hard disk portion of the exam I started getting that pit-of-my-stomach feeling that this was not good.  Against my better judgment, I decided to restore it to its original factory settings (I would have backed up my files, but I couldn’t even get past the “willkommen” login) and danced a gleeful jig when that seemed to do the trick.  My celebratory dance came to a screeching halt when I got an error message that read: “Just between you, me, and the printer, my friend—your hard disk needs repaired or replaced.”

Not the kind of confession that I need at this point in life, by the way…but I will swallow hard and take it in to the computer doctor by the end of this week.  If you were asking yourself by now—“Does this mean that silent movie you were going to review won’t be up today?” the answer is “Affirmative.”  And since the Crime Does Not Pay series that I do each week in this space on Fridays relies heavily on screen grabs…there’ll be a delay in that, too.

However—I am working on some items that will not require the participation of my desktop assistant, and I’ll roll those out next week.  Until that time, be excellent to one another.

Back to the ol’ salt lick

I apologize for the truncation on the blog last week; I had a dandy entry lined up for Thursday’s Silent Movie Spotlight, and because I wasn’t able to produce an entry in TDOY’s weekly examination of the Crime Does Not Pay series, this means that blog godmother S.Z. (World O’Crap alumnus) probably went out and hit up a couple of liquor stores.  (That’s a little Facebook joke, son.)

About a week or so back, I had an appointment with the endocrinologist…and he told me he thought it was kosher to start taking Metformin for my diabetes (he was certain they wouldn’t mess with my kidneys or anything).  Which was a most encouraging thing to hear, because insulin is not cheap.  They ease you into taking the Metformin; you down a pill a day for four days, then increase it to two a day for another four days…and then eventually take three pills a day.  I was two days into the three-pill regimen when I woke up one morning and just didn’t feel right.  I had nausea fit to beat the band, and a lot of light-headed dizziness.

I suspected right off this was due to the Metformin (I did a little research into the side effects…only I had to do this online because my copy of Stacia’s Big Scary Medical Book was apparently repossessed during the 2016 election) but I was also a little concerned because my symptoms eerily mirrored those that occurred during my little misadventure in 2010.  I gave the endocrinologist’s a ring to explain the situation…and they advised me to stop taking the pills immediately, necessitating a return to the insulin.  (An expense I need, by the way, like a moose needs a hat rack.)

So I took a little mini vacation to get the “poison” out of my system, and as such it’s B.A.U. here at the Thrilling Days of Yesteryear blog.  Again, mea culpa for taking so long to give you the heads-up.

Due to circumstances beyond my control…

…I had to scotch this week’s presentation of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s (ir)regular Crime Does Not Pay feature.  (I picture people hitting the top of their computers shouting: “Honey, I can’t get the blog to work!”)  Long story short (too late!), I had a situation here at Rancho Yesteryear involving several annoyances...chiefly my futile attempt to learn why my prescription has not been called into the pharmacy by the endocrinologist’s office.  (On a side note—I’m kind of pleased with myself that I’ve mastered the proper pronunciation/spelling of “endocrinologist.”  But I digress.)  I hope to have CDNP back next Friday, and there will also be overlooked movies, silent, and dormant TV shows to discuss as well.  Seacrest out.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming, Part the Second

Once again, I am forced to confront the Thrilling Days of Yesteryear faithful—hat in hand—with the unfortunate news that I didn’t get the weekly installment of Crime Does Not Pay finished in time for you to be reading that instead of asking yourself “Why does he have his hat in his hand?”  At the beginning of 2017, mi madre was nagging gently reminding me that I promised to do a little straightening up, bedroom-wise, after the first of the year.  The boudoir of your humble narrator, not to put too fine a point on it, looks as if someone blowed up a DVD rental store real good.

I have a two-week window before I need to tackle any non-blog related projects…so I determinedly decided to tuck into Operation DVD Cleanup in that frame of time.  As such, I got so wrapped up in the early stages of this task that I let the deadline for the CDNP write-up sneak by me…and that’s why you’re staring at the test pattern.  I humbly beg your forgiveness, and assure you that I will try to have it in this space next week.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming

I’m going to have to preempt this week’s installment of Crime Does Not Pay due to a looming deadline for an outside project (mea maxima culpa); I had hoped to be able to squeeze it in but it’s just not going to happen.  So please bear with me, and look for A Thrill for Thelma (1935) in this space next week (this is one of the CDNP shorts that I covered on the blog in the past…though in that post I was a bit more enamored of the Thelma Todd-Patsy Kelly two-reeler Beauty and the Bus [1933]).

Due to circumstances beyond our control…

…the blog is going to go dark for the rest of the week.  (Much apologies go out to the Forgotten Noir Fridays fans among the Thrilling Days of Yesteryear faithful.)  I’m racing a deadline for a dan-dan-dandy Radio Spirits project (here’s a hint: the comedian is renowned for his violin playing), so that’s going to keep me occupied for the duration…but TDOY will return next week, so leave a light in the window for me, okay?

“Want to get away from it all? We offer do not offer you…Escape!”

You might remember a little over a week ago that I had to call an Overlooked Films on Tuesdays audible when the DVD of the 1948 film Escape I purchased from Finders Keepers turned out to be the similarly-titled suspense thriller from 1940, with Robert Taylor and Norma Shearer.  I e-mailed Martin Grams about this, just to make sure no one else purchased it (it’s still up on the site, so if you’re thinking about buying a copy…caveat emptor, and other Latin phrases) and as he has always in the past, graciously acknowledged his mistake and pledged to send me a replacement disc tuit suite.

Well, there have been new developments.  He e-mailed me Tuesday to tell me after checking his master copy he did not have the 1948 film.  Again, he was very apologetic (hey: I have, in the past, mistakenly bought DVDs that I already own—movie libraries can be voluminous even if you do maintain a database) and offered to send me a couple of freebies to rectify the error.  (I picked out a couple of cherce titles, too.)  I felt that this notice was in order, seeing as how I did mention that the 1948 Escape would be making an appearance at Thrilling Days of Yesteryear in the near future…so I would like to correct this error by saying “No dice, Chicago.”  (Note: the 1948 Escape is available for viewing at rarefilmm.com, in case you really have a jones to watch the movie.)  I suppose I could purchase it from another vendor…but I’ve come to rely on Martin for a confident guarantee of quality; he’s very particular about obtaining the best print of a film, and is constantly on the lookout for upgrades.

Martin is also well-known for churning out a book on some aspect of old-time radio a week.  (Okay, I’m exaggerating slightly—but there is a reason why I jokingly call him “the Isaac Asimov of OTR books” …he’s quite prolific.)  In addition, Martin's the organizer for the Mid-Atlantic Nostalgia Convention (MANC), an annual event held in Hunt Valley, MD dedicated to a lot of things I discuss here at TDOY: classic movies, vintage TV, old-time radio, etc.  MANC always features a superlative line-up of guest celebrities, and offers nostalgia vendors the opportunity to ply their wares of collectables and memorabilia.  This year, MANC will take place from September 15-17…and if you’re planning on going, I hope you have a keen time.  If you’re like me and have difficulty saving pennies (an all-too familiar lament here in the House of Yesteryear), Martin asked me if I would pass this along to all interested parties:

MANC GOES VIRAL

With increased mobile viewership and faster speeds, live streaming is expanding rapidly. Anyone with high speed internet can watch YouTube videos on their smart phone, iPad, laptop or computer. So it comes as no surprise that old time radio conventions attempt to move into the 21st century with this same service. Two years ago the Mid-Atlantic Nostalgia Convention broke ground by providing live video streaming from the convention. This meant people who lived great distances from Hunt Valley, Maryland, such as California, Alaska, England and Finland could watch the celebrity panels, slide show seminars and old-time radio re-enactments live as it happened... all from the comfort of their computer screen.

DaCast was the company that provided the service but there were three hiccups. One, the system was not free. Viewers had to pay for the service. In fear that video streaming would discourage locals from traveling to the hotel, the cost was set at $20 per day. Two, the hotel did not have superb high speed upload speeds, discovered only at the last minute. Three, a number of viewers discovered they themselves did not have high speed internet at their home and therefore could not watch the streaming smooth enough to enjoy the videos. (Others had no problem with the service.) Thankfully, these complexities have been resolved.

Courtesy of Facebook, there is no costs for video streaming and practically anyone using Facebook has to have some form of high speed internet to watch videos posted on Facebook anyway. This year, from September 15 to 17, the Mid-Atlantic Nostalgia Convention will be video streaming the slide show seminars, celebrity Q&A sessions and old-time radio re-enactments "live" through the Mid Atlantic Nostalgia Convention Facebook page. Viewers can comment during the live broadcasts and celebrity guests can answer questions viewers submit. (Celebrity guests this year include Robert Conrad, Bernie Kopell, Kent McCord, Robert Fuller, Luciana Paluzzi, Britt Ekland, Debra Paget, Kathy Garver, Geri Reischl, Keir Dullea and Gary Lockwood, among others). The service will be provided free.

Simply visit www.MidAtlanticNostalgiaConvention.com for a complete schedule of events (Eastern Time) and to access the video stream all one has to do is click "like" at www.Facebook.com/MidAtlanticNostalgiaConvention/.

Kowabunga, cartooners!  Pretty exciting stuff.  Keep an eye out for more Finders Keepers offerings to be reviewed on the blog, and we now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Doris Day(s) #33: “The Chocolate Bar War” (10/20/69, prod. no #0405)

The first time I watched today’s installment of Doris Day(s), “The Chocolate Bar War,” I couldn’t help but be reminded of a sixth season episode of Everybody Loves Raymond—“Cookies” (01/18/02).  In that episode, Ray (Ray Romano) is pitted against a domineering mother (Amy Aquino) as the two of them attempt to outsell boxes of cookies on behalf of their daughters, who are members of some Girl Scout-like faction.  The Raymond episode was quite funny, and Aquino’s performance as “Peggy” was so well-received that she turned up in several additional installments after that.  If you’re familiar with “Cookies,” you might get a chuckle out of “Chocolate Bar War.”  If not…well, it’s the first Doris Day(s) of 2015—so…there’s that.

“War” begins in Doris’ office at Today’s World (the NOW magazine); Doris’ pal Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie) has had a hectic morning of hanging around Doris’ desk gossiping and is ready for that all-important lunch break.

MYRNA: You ready for lunch?

DORIS (glancing at her watch): It’s only quarter to twelve…

MYRNA: Well, I like to leave early for two reasons: one, to beat the crowd…and two, because I hate to work…

Oh, Myrna—you’re incorrigible.  Doris tells Myrn that perhaps she should start without her because her boss Michael “Nick” Nicholson (McLean Stevenson) is in a meeting with an unidentified individual and she doesn’t know when he’ll be finished.  The phone rings, and on the line is a woman Doris addresses as “Rochelle”—Rochelle needs to speak with Nick, to which Doris replies no can do.  (Doris also makes a series of faces as she chats with Rochelle—which is highly unprofessional, if you ask me.)

MYRNA: Is that his latest?

DORIS (with a breathy voice): “Hello…is Nicky there?  I must speak with him…” (Resuming her normal voice as Myrna giggles) Why does—they’re all so sexy and so breathless…and they all lost an earring in his car…

MYRNA: Oh, that’s the oldest trick in the book…don’t you know that, Doris?

Doris once thought she lost a little gold heart in the back of some drifter’s automobile in the episode “Leroy B. Semple Simpson”…but that’s far as she’s gotten on those matters.

DORIS: Is it?

MYRNA: Oh, sure—you always lose one earring so that he has to see you again to return it…

DORIS: Oh, really?  You know all about that?

MYRNA: Oh, yes…yes, of course…I had a date with a really groovy guy once…

Far out.

MYRNA: …mmm…and I just managed to lose an earring in the car…

DORIS: Oh, yeah—did it work?

MYRNA: No…he turned out to be a hippie and now he’s wearing it…

Ah, hippie jokes—they never get old.  Myrna’s gotta mosey, and as she scatters the door to Nicholson’s office opens, introducing us to one of this week’s guest stars…

He’s stage and screen veteran Max Showalter—though some of you may also know him as Casey Adams.  As Adams, he appeared in such films as What Price Glory (1952), Niagara (1953), Vicki (1953), The Naked and the Dead (1958) and Summer and Smoke (1961).  (He also appears in two of Doris Day’s films, It Happened to Jane [1959] and Move Over, Darling [1963].)  If Providence had been on his side, he might have had a lengthy sitcom career as Leave it to Beaver’s Ward Cleaver—he plays the role of the Cleaver patriarch in the pilot episode, “It’s a Small World.”  In the 1960s, Max went back to “Showalter” (he’s uncredited, but you might recognize him as one of the salesmen on the train in The Music Man) and appeared in the likes of How to Murder Your Wife (1965), Lord Love a Duck (1966), The Anderson Tapes (1971) and his cinematic swan song, Sixteen Candles (1984).  World-o-Crap’s own Scott C. inadvertently reminded me about a week ago that Max was also a regular on The Stockard Channing Show, a short-lived and terrible 1980 sitcom that I watched for the simple reason I did not know any better (well, that and I like Stockard Channing).

Max plays Greg Fletcher in this episode, which amused me only because I went to school with a Greg Fletcher in those halcyon parochial days of St. Francis of Assisi.  Greg doesn’t have much to say in his opening scenes other than he’s highly complementary of Doris’ ability to make a good cup o’Joe.  “I wish my wife had your touch with a percolator,” he beams.  (Oh, stop it—it only sounds dirty.)  When Fletcher departs, Nick asks to see Doris in his office.

NICK: Doris…I don’t want you to get the wrong impression…but I’d like to ask you a personal favor…

DORIS (as she pours herself a cup of coffee): Yes, sir?

NICK: Well…you see, Mr. Fletcher invited me to a dinner party he’s having tomorrow…and naturally I’m going to be taking someone… (Doris nods) Well, I was wondering if you’d like to go?

DORIS (stunned): Oh!

NICK: Well—is that “oh, yes” or “oh, no”?

In Doris’ case, it’s an “oh, yes”—though I have to say, I don’t think dating the boss is a particularly ethical career move.  Still, if you’ve pretended to be married to him on a previous occasion I suppose it can’t hurt.

NICK: You see, Fletcher’s advertising agency can mean a lot of business for our magazine—and I want, you know, everything to go just right at the party…Fletcher himself is a cool guy…but Mrs. Fletcher is square suburban…

DORIS (laughing): I know what you mean…

NICK: Yeah, well—that’s why I want to take you!  You’ll get along just great with her…you see, Doris—most of the girls that I know are a little on the swinging side…and…uh…I don’t think Mrs. Fletcher would approve…you know what I mean?

“Hello, Nick—welcome to our home…oh, is this your new ho?

NICK: But she’s going to take to you right off…I mean, you’re the wholesome type…well, you live on a farm…you have kids…you have a grandpa…

It’s not really knee-slappingly funny—but I’m always amused by the fact that Nick refers to Laird Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle) as Doris’ grandfather when he’s really her dad.  It’s describing her as “wholesome” that really made me chuckle, though—“You’re just good for me, Dor—like three glasses of milk every day!”

NICK: I’ll bet you even bake pies and stick ‘em out on the window ledge to cool…and the little kids come along and stick their fingers in to taste, right?

That’s right—you have had dinner in the Webb household, haven’t you?  “Mr. Nicholson,” Doris explains, “I don’t live in a gingerbread house with candy windowpanes and a plum pudding roof—I really don’t.”

NICK: Well, Doris…now, Doris…I didn’t mean…I…I just meant that…

DORIS: That I’m wholesome…

NICK: Yes!

DORIS: And that I don’t lose earrings…?

NICK: Huh?

DORIS: Rochelle called…and said she lost an earring last night…and did you find it?

NICK: Oh…uh…now that’s exactly what I’m talking about…you are not like Rochelle…

DORIS: Oh, no…I’m wholesome…

NICK: Look, if that word bothers you—I don’t really mean ‘wholesome’…

DORIS: Square suburban…

NICK: No…I really don’t mean that, either…

DORIS: Square wholesome?

Doris decides to let Nick off the hook by telling him that she’s only kidding and that she won’t let him down as far as Mrs. Fletcher is concerned.  Relieved, Nick notices that it’s nearly time for a nosh and so he asks Doris to make reservations for two at Gerard’s.  (Quel classy!)  Then he instructs Doris to “call Rochelle and tell her to meet me there for lunch.”  “Well, I…have to give back the earring—don’t I?” he explains as her face falls in disappointment.  (You might want to hire a coffee taster in the future, Nick—I’m just sayin’.)

The scene shifts to the kitchen in the House of Webb, where the Widder Martin has a conversation with her grandfather father Buck.  Like me, Buck isn’t entirely on board with this whole “dating the boss” scheme.

BUCK: …I figured that’d happen sooner or later…but I didn’t think it would be sooner…

DORIS: It’s strictly business, dear—don’t get any ideas…

BUCK: I don’t have any ideas—it appears he has, though…

DORIS: Are you kidding?  He has more girlfriends than we have chickens…

Now I can’t get that Perdue joke out of my head.  Doris explains to her father that Nicholson chose her to be his escort because “I’m the typical American housewife,” as she hands him several items she pulled out of the freezer.  “And you are,” responds Buck.  “Everything defrosted.”  This makes Doris cackle long and hard—well, long enough for her two idiot sons, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke), to come sauntering into the kitchen from the back door.

DORIS: How’s the chocolate bar business?  (She gives them both a kiss)

BUCK: You’re on your way to winning first prize—how many did you sell?

BILLY: One…

DORIS/BUCK: One?

TOBY: And I bought it…

BILLY: And I had to lend him the money…

Young William explains to his mother that while he set up his chocolate bar stand at Genson’s Market like she suggested, he and Tobias were run off by a formidable harridan and her son.  Despite the boys having staked out a claim at Genson’s first, the virago explained to the two cheese-eaters that Genson’s was their spot last year and so they should move along with all deliberate speed (or else she’ll break their kneecaps, one hopes).

DORIS: Oh, well—that’s ridiculous!  You have just as much right to be there as her boy has…

BILLY: I couldn’t argue with her—I’m just a kid!

TOBY: And I’m even smaller!

Sometimes those “respect your elders” lectures come back to bite you in the ass, Dodo.  Mother Martin asks her sons who this woman was, but the only identification they can provide was that she drove up in a station wagon “and just took over.”  This aggression will not stand, man—Doris will accompany her brood to Genson’s tomorrow morning…and in her wholesome fashion remarks: “Oh, boy—am I waiting to meet this charmer!”

A quick cut finds Doris carrying a card table to the spot that will later be immortalized in the annals of Scout history as “Genson’s Siege.”  Informed by Billy that the mean old shrew is not there, Doris gloats “Good—we beat her to it!”  Doris suggests that Billy sell the chocolate while she makes change…and of course, li’l Toby wants to get in on the act as well.  “Just turn on that old personality and give ‘em the big smiles, come on!”

The poster boys for The Society to Prevent Herp and Derp.

Doris cackles: “You guys are gonna be the Ralph Williams of the candy world”—a pop culture reference so obscure even I couldn’t figure it out.  Still, they must be doing something right because the first woman (Jane Aull) that emerges from Genson’s is approached by Billy with a box of candy bars, and she agrees to buy one.  She hands him a buck, and he marches over to Doris to get the lady her fifty cents in change.  Ah, capitalism at its finest!

Truth be told, I was more interested in this gentleman who is approached by young Toby—because he was instantly recognizable as TDOY fave Howard Culver.  You’ve seen Howie everywhere—in fact, one of his most durable TV roles was playing a man named “Howie”; he was the desk clerk (Howie Uzzell) at the Dodge House on the seminal boob tube oater Gunsmoke for practically its entire run.  Culver was one of the first actors to play Matt Dillon in Gunsmoke on radio…and might have become famous in the role were it not for the fact that he was also playing Steve Adams—the secret identity of the Indian known as Straight Arrow—on the popular Mutual radio adventure that ran from 1948 to 1951.  Culver’s contract stipulated that he couldn’t do any other western while performing on Straight Arrow…and so he missed out on the opportunity to be “the first man they look for, and the last they want to meet.”  Culver’s other radio gigs included The Adventures of Ellery Queen (he was the last radio thesp to play Ellery) and Defense Attorney, and as one of Jack Webb’s Dragnet stock players he turns up in quite a few installments of the 1967-70 TV version.

TOBY: Good morning, sir!

HOWARD: Yes, son?

"I'm sorry, son...I give to the Herp/Derp people at the office..."

HOWARD: Yes?

TOBY: Oh…would you like to buy a bar of scout candy?  It’s only fifty cents…

HOWARD: Well…okay…

I’m beginning to think that if Doris were to let Toby sell all the candy they’d be out of there in no time—because it would be the largest number of “pity purchases” in sales history.  (By the way, I can make out an upside down “Lindt” in that picture with Toby above—Jeebus, my mother would have all those boxes of candy bars in the car faster than you can say “Willy Wonka.”)  Well, it looks as if the Family Martin have got a sweet racket going (sorry about that)—but there are storm clouds looming on the horizon in the form of a station wagon that’s just pulled up in the parking lot.

Oh, my.  That’s Mr. Fletcher, of course—and unless he’s got a thing for mistresses of advanced age, we can assume the woman with him carrying the folding chair is Mrs. Fletcher (she doesn’t get a first name in the episode).  As such, we can see the eventual catastrophe coming a mile away.  The actress playing Mrs. F is character fave Amzie Strickland, who was also an OTR veteran—playing the girlfriend of Brad Runyon (J. Scott Smart), the corpulent sleuth known as The Fat Man, as well as appearing on such shows as The Adventures of the Falcon, Barrie Craig, Private Investigator, Gangbusters, Inner Sanctum and The Shadow.  Because Amzie’s birthday is January 10, I did a write-up on her over at the Radio Spirits blog in 2014 that you’re welcome to check out provided you come right back and finish this (don’t think I haven’t been keeping track of those faithful TDOY readers who have been sneaking out before the start of Act Two).

Mr. Fletcher asks his wife if she needs any help in setting up the operation (i.e. crushing any competition under her heel) and she tells him no…but she will need him to return by 4pm so that she’ll have adequate disco nap time to prepare for their party that evening.  “My, it looks like a good crowd,” she beams.  “We should do even better than yesterday!”  While Billy sells candy to a amply proportioned female grocery customer (having only a sawbuck, she takes her change in candy bars because fat people are funny, haha), Mrs. Fletcher and her son Jonathan (Tim Weldon) arrive to find Doris and her snot-nosed brats muscling in on their territory when Toby approaches her with an offer to buy some “scout candy.”  Awkward!

MRS. FLETCHER: I’m sure you’re not aware of it…but you set up in our location…

DORIS (looking around): Oh, really?

MRS. FLETCHER: We sell here every year…

DORIS: Oh, you do!

MRS. FLETCHER: Yes…so if you would just move to some other place…

DORIS: Well…maybe I don’t understand the ground rules…but…um…do you have a reservation for this spot?

MRS. FLETCHER: No…but…

DORIS: Oh, you don’t…oh, well—do you own the supermarket?

MRS. FLETCHER: No…but…

DORIS: You don’t?  Well, then—why is this your spot?

MRS. FLETCHER: Well…now, look…I didn’t come here to argue…

DORIS (sweetly): Oh, and neither did I…oh, I mean—I’m just here to help out, just as you are…you know, the scouts…and I’m sure there are enough customers for all the children—don’t you?

MRS. FLETCHER: So that’s the way it’s going to be, huh…?

“You got a real nice card table here, girlie girl…be a shame if anything were to happen to it…”  The “mean lady” of yesterday has met her match in wholesome Doris, and she marches back to her card table as Doris calls out “Good luck!” and flashes her one of these:

Peace out, baby.  I know, this competition all sounds kind of silly in light of a good cause—but there is a prize involved for selling the most candy bars, and as Richard Conte says so memorably in The Big Combo: “First is first and second is nobody.”

“Mom, maybe if we tried in front of the drugstore,” whines Jonathan.  “We are going to stay right here,” prompts his mother.  “Now go sell!”

Because Billy’s Confectionery was able to snag the prime bit o’real estate in Cotina, Fletcher’s Sweets is having difficulty securing a toehold in the competitive candy bar market—this is why Billy is able to sell two Scout Candy bars to a couple entering the supermarket before Jonathan can even come up with a coherent sales pitch.  (Doris unsubtly rubs the sale in Mrs. F’s face.)  What’s more, as Billy is returning to Doris’ card table with the gitas, he’s able to tag-team Toby to grab the next customer—something to which Mrs. Fletcher cries “Foul!”

MRS. FLETCHER: Madam!  He cannot sell chocolates!  He is not a scout!

DORIS: Oh, really?

MRS. FLETCHER: Yes, really…

DORIS: Oh…well, I mean…it’s for such a good cause…does it matter?

MRS. FLETCHER: He has to be a scout to sell…those are the rules…

“Under Section Thirty-Seven B, Paragraph Six, Line 2!”  So Doris calls Toby aside and tells him to ixnay with the andycay.

DORIS: Honey, I’m afraid this is gonna have to be your last sale…

TOBY: How come?

DORIS: Well…according to the rules… (Smiling at Mrs. Fletcher) Uh, you’re not allowed to sell anything because you’re a civilian…but you can stay with me and help me make change…

“If only you could count.”  Doris snidely asks Mrs. Fletcher if Toby’s assistance in making change is against the rules, and the old crone heads back to her son’s table.  Another problem soon arises when a man leaving Genson’s is approached by both Billy and Jonathan at the same time…and he can only buy a candy bar from one of them.  So he looks over at the smiling Doris…

…and then at Mrs. Fletcher…

“Okay, pal—I’ll do business with you,” the man tells Billy after getting a gander at his hawt mom.  “I’ll catch you next time,” he tells Jonathan.  (“Go on back to your great-Gran, sonny.”)  Look—people don’t go to McDonald’s because the food’s better…they go because of the trappings (clown, play area, etc.).  With that, we ring down the curtain on Act One.

“The Chocolate Bar War,” Part the Second.  Doris and the kids pull up in front of a house that, you will observe, is radically different from that of the one they resided in Season Numero Uno.  And yet—the inside of the house remains unchanged.  Continuity?  Pfft—continuity is for fops and poppinjays!

BILLY: Grandpa, Grandpa—we sold out!  We sold everything!

BUCK: Well, good for you!  Congratulations, buddy boy!

TOBY: Bet you Billy is gonna win first prize!

BUCK: I’ll bet he is, too!

Buck then asks Doris if that woman from yesterday showed up, and Doris replies in the affirmative: “With all guns blazing…”

DORIS: But we fought her fair and square and we won, didn’t we?

BILLY: She got so mad after a while she left…

DORIS: Oh, I tell you—she was something else…really…it was like a personal vendetta with that woman—you know what else she did?  She wouldn’t let Toby do any selling…

BUCK: How come?

TOBY: Because I’m a civilian…

From Doris’ telling, Buck pictures her as “a mean, tempered old…like an old sow who’s lost her favorite mud hole.”  Always with the farm similes, eh, Buckaroo?  “Well, I just hope I never meet up again with that woman,” Doris returns.

You know, it’s been a long time (over four years, as a matter of fact) since we had an irony alert here on the blog.  You’ve also been previewed to what it’s about—but in case you just joined us, Mrs. Fletcher is in the next scene residing horizontally on a couch with a cold compress on her forehead…and bitching about our wholesome heroine.

MRS. FLETCHER: …if I never see that awful woman again it will be too soon!

FLETCHER: Calm down, honey—you know your blood pressure…

MRS. FLETCHER: The way she sat there with that (Mockingly) sweet smile, pretending to be nice…

FLETCHER: Well, maybe you should have tried smiling back…

MRS. FLETCHER: Don’t tell me what I should have done!  You have no idea how pushy that woman was…oh, she is the kind of person who comes in…

Mr. Fletcher cuts her off, apparently no stranger to his wife’s outbursts, and reminds her that she needs to chill in time for the party—“You want to be at your best, don’t you?”

“I am always at my best,” she tells him coldly.  We then cut to a tray of drinks, signaling that the party is in full sway.  Fletcher greets Nick and Doris at the door and invites them in for a libation.  “Mill Valley gets a little dry this time of day,” he jokes.  Doris orders a sherry and it’s tall bourbon and water for her boss.

DORIS: Your house is so lovely, Mr. Fletcher…

FLETCHER: Oh, thank you—my wife did all the decorating herself…

DORIS: She did?  Oh, what wonderful taste!  I’m really anxious to meet her…

FLETCHER: Oh, I’m sure she’ll love meeting you!  She’ll be down soon—she’s upstairs, trying to fight off a slight headache…

She should come downstairs, where she can fight off an even larger headache.  Fletcher leaves Nick and Doris to mingle, and as Nick is boasting about picking the right escort to the party, Doris catches sight of her candy nemesis greeting another party guest:

DORIS: I don’t believe it…no!

NICK: Something wrong?

DORIS: The woman who just came in…in the brown dress…who is she?

NICK: Oh, that’s Mrs. Fletcher…I’ll introduce you…

As Doris spits out her drink—and by the way, she should have paid more attention to Danny Thomas’ technique when she worked with him on I’ll See You in My Dreams (1951)—Nick is approached by a man (Don Ross) who identifies himself as “Charley Isaacs.”  This is a bit of an in-joke; Isaacs was the one-time partner of Jack Elinson, who co-wrote this episode (Elinson was also co-producing Dodo’s show with Norman Paul)—the two men (Charley and Jack) wrote for Jimmy Durante’s radio and TV shows, among many other projects.  Isaacs was married to TDOY character fave Doris Singleton from 1942 until his death in 2002.  The only reason the “Isaacs” character is here is so when Nick turns around to introduce him to Doris he finds the stool she was sitting on vacant and rotating from side to side as if she left in a hurry.

Which she did—Doris has to get out of that house before she meets face-to-face with the vindictive Mrs. Fletcher.  She tries to conceal herself in several groupings of guests—the funniest being a woman (Lynn Wood) who’s holding forth on the state of motion pictures: “I don’t mind an occasional adult movie—but you’d think that somehow there’d be a place for the family picture.”  She asks Doris as she joins the group “Don’t you agree?”

“Uh…yes…I think that family pictures belong right on the mantle,” Dor stammers.  Finally, Doris does what any rational woman trapped inside a sitcom would do—she ducks into a closet.

NICK: Doris?

DORIS: Mr. Nicholson?

NICK: Yes…

DORIS: Is anybody with you?

NICK: No!

DORIS: Oh, thank heavens…

NICK: Doris…I’d like to ask you something…

DORIS: Yes, sir?

NICK: What are you doing in the closet?!!

Doris tells her boss that it’s a long story (we’ll certainly vouch for that) but that she’s got to get out of the house (perhaps she mistook the closet for an emergency exit?); Nick tells her through the door that she is embarrassing him as a perplexed Fletcher comes up behind him.  The two men continue to discuss the Doris situation through the closet…and then Mrs. Fletcher decides to check out why her husband and guest are talking to a closet door.

MRS. FLETCHER: It’s her!  It’s that woman!  The one from the supermarket!

DORIS (as she emerges from the closet): Mrs. Fletcher, I’m terribly sorry…I had no idea you were Mrs. Fletcher…

MRS. FLETCHER: I’ll thank you to leave immediately!

FLETCHER: Now, just a minute, dear…

MRS. FLETCHER: I won’t have her in my house!

DORIS: Mr. Nicholson…I’d better leave…

NICK: Doris… (To the Fletchers) I don’t know what this is all about…but I think we’d better go…

FLETCHER: Now, hold it please—both of you…dear, Mrs. Martin and Mr. Nicholson are our guests…

MRS. FLETCHER: But she probably kept Jonathan from winning first prize!

FLETCHER: Maybe he’s won too many first prizes…

It sounds like the Fletcher union has a darker side to which we were not previously privy (though there were certainly ominous signs of discourse, to be certain).  Doris certainly doesn’t help matters any when she reveals that Mrs. F chased Billy away from the supermarket the day before, and an enraged Fletcher drags his wife into the closet “for a little talk.”  (Disturbing implications, to be certain—particularly since Nicholson grins and “toasts” his glass at Mrs. Fletcher’s predicament as the door slams shut.)

Well, the coda on this episode seems fairly simple: don’t be a bitch unless you’re absolutely certain the person you’re being unpleasant to isn’t the snotty wife of a potential client.  Okay, I’m just kidding—Doris and Nick arrive back at Rancho Webb, and both are admiring the revelation that l’affaire chocolate has inspired Fletcher to grow a pair.  “Did you see Mrs. Fletcher right after she came out of that closet?” Nick asks Doris.

“Yeah—I tell you, he must have had a whip and a chair in there with him,” Doris replies.  “She went in like a lion and came out like a pussycat.”  (Women—they’re such felines!)  Doris goes on to bloviate about how Mrs. F has “a lot to learn about raising children.”  “You know, I always tell my children—that you have to lose graciously…you know, somebody has to lose…you can’t win all the time,” she explains.

Let’s put this into practice, shall we?  Enter young Billy.

BILLY: Robbie Sizemore called…boy, was he crowing…he won the contest…

DORIS: Robbie Siz…Robbie Sizemore won the contest?!!  I thought you were a shoo-in…

BILLY: He sold a 120 more than I did…

DORIS: A 120 more chocolate bars than you?  How could he do that?  It’s impossible…

BILLY: He has two older sisters that are real good looking…and they were giving away kisses with each candy bar…they sold outside the Marine base…

I’m telling you—it’s all about selling the sizzle and not the steak.  This information enrages Doris, who goes on a tear about it being unethical and unfair and she’ll have someone’s merit badge for this…until Nick reminds her of that high-minded “somebody has to lose” bullsh*t she was going on about earlier.  Doris calms down, but tells Billy “we’ll get ‘em next year—I know an Air Force base that’s bigger than the Marines!”  And on that sassy note…

Apologies for not having this up sooner today (and I also regret not getting a Serial Saturdays done this weekend); it’s been one of those days around Rancho Yesteryear, but I think I’ve been able to steer the ship of state back to normal.  Next time on Doris Day(s): an episode entitled “The Health King” that I honestly don’t remember a thing about…and that doesn’t bode well at all.  Join us next time, won’t you?