OUR STORY SO FAR: You know, I couldn’t help but think how appropriate this week’s chapter title of the edge-of-your-seat serial Jungle Queen (1945) is…this cockamamie thing has been on a death watch for some time now. But that’s as may be—last week, our uninteresting hero Bob Elliot (Edward Norris) and the equally annoying Pamela Courtney (Lois Collier) had been tied up in a shed at an old mine near Tambosa, garden spot of Africa ’s middle jungle. While Bob’s faithful sidekick Chuck Kelly (Eddie Quillan) races to his rescue, Bob has managed to break loose and engage in a boring round of fisticuffs with another stuntman in an effort to escape. Meanwhile, faux Swedish botanist Dr. Elise Bork, is bombarding the shed where Bob and Pamela are prisoner with a few mortar bombs, primarily for sh*ts and giggles.
Do Bob and Pam manage to flee the building before it’s bombed back to the Stone Age? Well, of course they do because the audience simply can’t catch a break. But before they do this, there’s a brief bit of expository dialogue between the two Nazi thugs (Sherry Hall, Crane Whitley) in that Tambosa alley that tried to take Chuck captive in the last chapter…
FIRST THUG: How’d it go?
SECOND THUG: Tambosa Tim told Kelly where we’re holding Elliot and Miss Courtney!
FIRST THUG: What’s Bork doing about it?
SECOND THUG: She won’t let the British get hold of Elliot, Miss Courtney or the munitions!
Just for the benefit of those who suffered from short term memory loss, there is then a quick cut to the office of the Royal Commissioner and Stack Straightener, Braham Chatterton (Lester Matthews)—who is finishing a phone call as his trusty aide de camp, Rogers (Cyril Delevanti) waits patiently for him to finish so he can do some real apple polishing.
CHATTERTON (on phone): No…this concerns the welfare of the British Commonwealth of Nations…consider it a sort of hidden…undeclared warfare… (He hangs up the receiver)
Kiss-ass.
CHATTERTON: What do you hear from our constabulary, Rogers?
And so we pick up from last week…where we learn that though Bob and Pamela were able to make it out of the shed in time, they will still need a little Bactene from having been caught on the periphery.
BOB: Whew! That was a close one!
PAMELA: What happened to the guards?
BOB: Less Nazis…
Hey! How about a little respect, Robert—John Merton was in that blast!
BOB: Somebody dropped some sort of bombs on us…
PAMELA: But why?
BOB: To keep those munitions out of the hands of the English… (Looking up as an automobile approaches) Maybe that car’s the answer…
With the sort of coincidence that can only happen in a chapter play, it’s faithful Chuck behind the wheel of that car…and he pulls up, relieved to see that Bob and Pam are still alive.
BOB: We almost got blown up…become some Nazi knew you were coming to help us!
CHUCK (chuckling): Oh! I’d like to take the credit, Bob…but there are two cars not very far behind me…full of constables!
BOB: I don’t think they’ll find the evidence that we want…
PAMELA: We don’t know any more about the Nazis than we did before!
CHUCK: Maybe Chatterton will have something to say about them…we’ll let the constables look around here…
I’m sure Chatterton will probably say something typically movie-British like: “Bad luck, old man…the Nazis got away…” We are then whisked away to the Tambosa Experimental Farm, the fake botany hideout of Dr. Bork, who is pulling up in her Woody…and will probably need to freshen up a bit after firing all those mortars at Bob and Pam. But as she enters the compound, her stooge Denker (Walter Bonn) is on the secret-fireplace-telephone:
DENKER (on the phone, after hearing a knock on the door): Oh, just a minute… (Bork enters the room) Here’s Dr. Bork now…
“Secret-fireplace-phone call for you, Fraulein Doktor!”
BORK (on phone): Hello…Lang? Oh…Weber…what is it?
Weber (Louis Adlon) is the resident Nazi radio operator who sits in front of radio equipment for about twenty-four hours a day, minus one hour for the exercise yard.
WEBER: Lang has gone to the cave, where his men are holding Godac…
Well…that was a short conversation. Because one optical wipe later, Lang (Douglass Dumbrille) is in the jungle, issuing instructions to a native named Noma (Emmett Smith), who plays flunky to Lang’s flunky, the incredibly dense (but seriously homicidal) Maati (Napoleon Simpson).
NOMA: Lothel and Kyba are coming with the Tongghili…she wants Godac!
LANG: You say that Maati is with Lothel?
NOMA: He is with her…but he sent me to you, Bwana Lang…
LANG: Well, thank you, Noma…you tell Maati not to worry…no one is going to get Godac!
Some people worry that this serial will soon experience what scientists are calling “peak awkward dialogue.” I say Jungle Queen can provide us with enough clunky expository exchanges to last a lifetime. As Lang traipses off in the direction of the imprisoned Godac (Clinton Rosemond), Lothel (Ruth Roman)—the mystery queen of the jungle—runs through the jungle (“Better run through the jungle…”), followed by Maati, Kyba (Clarence Muse) and a tribe of warriors.
LOTHEL: The cave where Godac is held prisoner is in the side of Mount Rudanza
MAATI: If you speak the truth, Lothel, Kyba will be held hostage for you no longer…his life will be spared…
LOTHEL: When Godac—the all-powerful judge of the tribes of the middle jungle—is with you again…then the people will know those who speak the truth…and those who lie…
MAATI: Let us go to the cave and rescue Godac…
LOTHEL (stopping him): No! Wait here for me…I have been there before…the strangers guarding Godac never discovered me…I will make sure we can surprise them!
As Lothel runs off in the direction of Mount Kraznydang Rudanza, Maati addresses the native known as Kyba…who for reasons unexplained continues to hang around with those nimrods despite facing a list of tribal charges as long as your spear.
MAATI: You are still a hostage…Lothel has not yet saved Godac for us…
KYBA: I trust Lothel…I have not tried to escape…
MAATI: I don’t trust her…she may be leading us into an ambush…I shall follow her to find out… (To one of the natives) Hold him till I return!
I love the expression on Clarence Muse’s face here. It’s almost as if he’s saying: “I didn’t really need this part…I could live without food and rent for a month, no sweat…”
Back at the cave, Lang confronts Godac…the all-powerful judge of…well, we did that bit already…
LANG (dismissing Muller, who was keeping watch): Wait in the other cave…Heinkel will let you know what’s happened… (To Godac) Lothel is bringing Maati, Kyba and the warriors…they’ll be here soon, Godac…
GODAC: Lothel? I thought only Maati was to rescue me…
LANG: Lothel is trying to expose us…
“…for the Nazi vermin we are…”
LANG: …but have you, Godac, accused Lothel and Kyba of being traitors?
GODAC: No, Lang…it’s time to tell my people that Maati is the traitor…and that you are an enemy…
Gode…maybe you need to do the “big balls” bit after you’ve been rescued from the cave. Maati encounters Noma while running through the jungle.
NOMA: Lang says not to worry about Godac…
MAATI: Then join the warriors…
Whoa! A little ‘tude there from Maati. Lothel races into the cave, but the only sign of Godac are the chains that once secured him. She is going to need a story to tell Maati and the warriors when they arrive.
MAATI: Is this the cave where you expected to find Godac?
LOTHEL: You sent a message to the strangers, Maati…warning them that I was coming with warriors…and they have taken Godac elsewhere!
MAATI: The fact remains that Godac isn’t here…the warriors will believe me when I accuse you of misleading us again…you know I’m a traitor…but you will never live to prove it to the middle jungle tribes…
He raises his spear to throw it, crying out: “Lothel will no longer be known as the mystery queen of the jungle!: But as the spear lands safely in a rock that was behind Lothel, she’s now going to be known as “the David Copperfield of the jungle.” (Poof!) Maati, startled to see Lothel disappear into thin air, runs back in the direction of the warriors in fright.
Lang, Muller (George Eldredge) and Heinkel (Peter Helmers), the constantly complaining Nazi temp, escort Godac into the radio room used by operator Weber.
WEBER: Hello, Lang…
LANG: Weber, this is Godac—judge of the middle jungle…incidentally, he speaks English as well as we do…
“Only without your hysterically exaggerated German accent.” (By the way, that “he speaks English as well as we do” has my vote as the WTF? Line of the Week.)
WEBER: I thought he had decided to join us…he looks more like a prisoner to me…
GODAC (with a hint of sarcasm): No, these gentlemen are my protectors…
WEBER: You’ve got to travel, Lang…
LANG: Bork?
WEBER: Yes…I just had a special message from Berlin
LANG: Well, that’s all right…I just wanted to see Godac was made comfortable before I left…
That message doesn’t sound very urgent. (“Take your time, Weber…we’ve got a fourth for bridge now.”)
So back at Nazi Labs, Denker is still trying to put the pieces of this serial’s puzzle together—and I love the expression here on Bork’s face; she really looks like she’s just about had enough and is going to slap the stupid out of ol’ Denk.
DENKER: Godac has told Maati where the Sword of Tongu is hidden…only those two know the secret…and it makes them all powerful!
BORK: Yes…the natives will obey them…while Maati and Godac will obey us…
“Now do you understand, schafskopf?” There is a knock on the door, and Lang hurries in.
LANG (handing her a piece of paper): This is important, Elise…just came from Berlin
BORK (after examining its contents): So London is sending a courier to Chatterton?
LANG: The man is on his way now…he should be in Tambosa not later than the day after tomorrow…what do you think about the discovery of our jungle radio?
BORK: It was obvious that the English will triangulate sooner or later…and thus find our compass bearings…
LANG: The courier is carrying the correct bearings to Chatterton…now what if wrong ones were substituted?
BORK (happy as a Nazi clam): Lang…this time you’ve done the thinking for both of us…
Now I’m really worried. The “day after tomorrow” arrives, and we find our man Rogers exiting Chatterton’s office, only to be surprised to see Dr. Bork seated by his desk, conversing with Chuck.
ROGERS; Dr. Bork! I missed you!
“Allow me to reload…”
BORK: Thank you, Rogers
CHUCK: Bob and Pam are in there with him…
BORK: In that case, I shall enter unofficially…
(Bork rises and walks to the door, entering Chatterton’s office. Chuck sits down in the chair she left behind.)
CHUCK: Oh, you’re so polite, Rogers
Oh…I don’t think that’s all Rogers ’ doing, Charles. There is a knock on Rogers ’ door, and a man enters—he introduces himself as someone sent from London to speak to Chatterton. When Rogers inquires as to why he needs to see his Lord Commissionership, the man whispers something in his ear…which trivia fans know is the same message Bill Murray conveys to Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. (Okay, I may have made that up.)
Inside Chatterton’s office, there is a knock on the outside door.
CHATTERTON: Yes?
(Rogers
“Mr. X? Oh, you mean Lord Bell…send him in, Rogers —there’s a good chap…”
CHATTERTON: Any trouble en route?
COURIER: An uneventful trip, sir…Nazi espionage had no opportunity to learn of this mission…
CHATTERTON: You came the usual way?
COURIER: There was no reason to change it, sir… (He hands Chatterton the dispatch)
CHATTERTON: Thank you…
Outside in Rogers ’ cubby:
CHUCK: That’s what I get for staying out here talking to you…
CHUCK: I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing how curious I am… (He’s interrupted by a buzzing sound) What’s that?
CHUCK: Oh…
“The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club…the second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club!” Back in Chatterton’s office:
CHATTERTON: Any additional message?
COURIER: No, sir… (Stealing a glance at Bork) As a matter of fact, I don’t know the contents of that dispatch…
CHATTERTON: It’s just as well…well. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait a day or two for my answer…
COURIER: Well, I’m put up at the hotel, sir…
“The Tambosa Motel 6…they left a light on for me.” Chatterton thanks the courier, and the man exits out of the office and past Rogers and Chuck. When the man leaves, Chuck decides to do a little traveling.
CHUCK: Well, I guess I’ll wander around town…I’ve got a yen for excitement…
“And three hundred yen to spend at Madame Wong’s Den of Iniquity…”
CHUCK; Well, I usually do…
Back in Chatterton’s office (whoa…I’m really getting dizzy!):
BORK: I’ll leave you now…but I may come back later, before returning to the farm…
CHATTERTON: You’re always welcome here, Dr. Bork…
BORK: Thank you… (She rises and exits the office, passing Rogers
CHATTERTON: Ah, good man, Rogers
PAMELA: But…how did Rogers
CHATTERTON: Heh…I have a button under here (pointing underneath his desk)…I work it with my knee…
“…and a little indicator that reads ‘Nazi’ lights up at Rogers ’ desk…”
BOB (looking over the dispatch): This looks very official, sir…
CHATTERTON: Yes…that’s a very good copy of a secret British dispatch…
PAMELA: Then the Nazis substituted…couriers…
Very good, Pammy! I think you’re ready for fractions next…
Out in Tambosa Alley, Chuck watches as Fake Courier ducks into the back door of Tambosa Tim’s. (Which brings up a point—if they learned last week that Tim was in league with the Nazis…why do they still allow his place to remain open?) Chuck follows the courier…but is surprised by Bilge the Friendly Waiter (Al Woods), who’s brandishing a pistol!BILGE: We weren’t sure if you would catch on to our courier or not…so we set a trap for anybody following him…
CHUCK: You Nazis sure think of everything, don’t ya?
BILGE: We don’t leave anything to chance…that’s why we’ll conquer!
But Bilge the Nazi Server is in for a surprise—one of Chatterton’s men comes up behind him, also armed to the teeth. “You’ve done all the conquering you’re ever going to do!” he snarls. That’s funny in and of itself, but what really made me laugh was this guy…
…coming in the back way, also with a drawn pistol—because for a second I thought this was going to turn into a Monty Python routine. (Lemming of the BDA!) But no, that guy is on Chuck’s side, too…and while he takes Bilge away to the pokey, Chuck and the remaining cop stay behind to search the late Mr. Tim’s office (again—why didn’t they do that earlier after the croaking of T-Tim?). There is a sound inside a small wardrobe, and when Chuck and the constable investigate, the real London courier tumbles out.
REAL COURIER (with his last breath): Constable…I came from England
“Tell him I love him…”
REAL COURIER: …tell him about…about Rudanza…I…I headed…
He then expires. And now we’re back at Chatterton’s office.
CHATTERTON (studying a map): As you can see…Mount Rudanza
BOB: Well, this is one lead that’s genuine…
CHUCK: Yeah, the Heinies never expected us to find the real courier alive…after they got through with him…
PAMELA: That’s why they didn’t mind him overhearing their talk about Godac being hidden in the cave on Rudanza…
CHATTERTON: You know, Bob…it begins to appear that your strategy is being proved correct…
Oh please, Brammy…don’t make his head any larger than it is already.
PAMELA: You mean…looking for clues to the Nazis here instead of in the jungle?
CHATTERTON: Right!
Pam…have you finished those common denominators yet?
CHATTERTON: If you can rescue Godac, you’ll be well on your way to clearing up the entire jungle trouble…
BOB: That’s just what we’re going to try to do, sir…
Okay…I know I’ve sort of given Chuck a hard time during this serial…but Bob is really starting to irritate the @!#$ out of me. I’m switching my allegiance to Team Chuck.
BOB: You know where this cave is located?
CHATTERTON: The cave is just about here (making a mark on his map)…a hundred yards up the mountain from this trail…
BOB: Right…I’ll go on ahead…Chuck, you get the constabulary and follow…
CHUCK: Yeah…okay…
“And Pam…be a dear and make everybody some coffee…” So Bob goes off hiking in search of the missing Godac…
…he finds the area where Muller and Heinkel played furious games of Whist, and also where Godac was chained…
…and he also finds this. (“Here kitty kitty kitty…”) Lots of them, as a matter of fact. He starts to duck up and down the passages of the cave, but keeps running into hungrier lions…finally, in frustration he shoots at them (yeah, nice going, Frank Buck—perhaps you should put the cap pistol down and try a high-powered rifle). Trapped at every turn, he miraculously finds an escape route…
Some escape route. (I would have hurt myself laughing if there had been a sign there reading “In case of hungry lion, use rope.”) He starts to climb down the rope…
Jesus Palomino! There are lions down there, too!
Oh, boy…this can’t be good…
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