Doris Day(s) #13: “The Relatives” (12/31/68, prod. no #8541)

I had a teensy delay with this week’s edition of Doris Day(s)…and here’s the explanation.  Today’s episode, “The Relatives,” was the thirteenth show telecast…yet for some odd reason, it’s presented as the last show on the first season DVD set (something that was driving me nuts because I knew I had already watched it but couldn’t remember where it was).  As to the explanation for this—quien sabe?

But leave us draw the curtain back on today’s tableau, which finds Buck Webb (Denver Pyle) helping his hopped-up-on-sugar grandsons Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby Martin (Tod Starke) with their knapsacks.  Three episodes after “The Camping Trip,” the men of the Double Bar W are going on another excursion into the Great Outdoors…sans Buck’s Indian pal, Joe Whitecloud, though handyman Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) has been asked along…

LEROY: We better get started if we’re gonna make sure we find us a good campsite…

BUCK: Don’t you feel good?

LEROY: Well…no, sir—why?

BUCK: I never known you to start a day before without a man-sized breakfast in ya…

LEROY: Well, I thought Mrs. Martin and Juanita wouldn’t be up this early…

Because that’s really the only purpose Doris and Juanita (Naomi Stevens) serve on this show—cooking for the menfolk.  And why is it necessary for them to “find” a campsite—they didn’t have that problem in “Camping Trip”…

BUCK: Don’t you think I can whip up breakfast for the four of us?

LEROY: Oh…oh, yes sir!  But…I thought it might be easier if we stopped at a diner along the way…

BUCK: Leroy…if you don’t like my cookin’ just come out and say so…don’t whistle around the bush about it!

LEROY: It’s not that—you cook fine, Mr. Webb!  But I thought we might have us a king-size belly whopper at the Pizza Pagoda…

The “Pizza Pagoda” was mentioned in last week’s episode, “Buck’s Girl,” and apparently is the ne plus ultra of fine cuisine in the sleepy little California town of Cotina.  Before the concept of twenty-four eating establishments took hold across this great land of ours, every town had a joint that was open all night.  (In Savannah, for example, it was a restaurant called The Kettle—which was later torn down and replaced by a Denny’s, the one next to the La Quinta where I once worked.)  The idea of having pizza for breakfast appeals to the young Martin boys, who are no doubt weary of the usual items on the menu: baklava, crème brûlée, etc.

Buck vetoes the idea of chomping down on pizza for the first meal of the day (the man obviously never attended college) and his protests are loud enough to wake the women in the household, who venture sleepily down the back stairs.

DORIS: Well, we just thought we’d come down and say goodbye and see you all off…

BUCK: Well, you’ve got another hour of sleep yet!

JUANITA: Oh, not with you making all that racket…

TOBY: Grandpa’s making breakfast this morning!

DORIS: Grandpa’s going to make breakfast?  Isn’t that nice!

BUCK: Well, I was…but since you’re here, I’ll have mine scrambled well…

BILLY: Me, too!

TOBY: Me, too!

LEROY: Well, as long as we’re…I’d like to have mine…

DORIS (firmly): Scrambled…

As Doris and Juanita began breakfast preparations because female, Leroy asks the Widow Martin if she’s still planning to “overhaul the house this weekend”:

DORIS: You mean wallpapering and painting?  Yeah, we’re going to overhaul it…

BUCK: I don’t like it…I think the two of you are in over your head…wallpaperin’ and paintin’ is man’s work…

DORIS (interrupting): We want to do it…now…we’re looking forward to it, aren’t we, Juanita?

“Speak for yourself, Chiquita—I was perfectly happy sleeping in this morning.”  Curiously, though the task of wallpapering and painting has been designated as “man’s work” in the Webb household, slaving over a hot stove is strictly for those with ladyparts.  But because Buck has only been chipped out of the ice for a short time, he’s unconvinced that fragile flowers like Doris and Juanita can get the job done.

DORIS: Now, look…we discussed and we agreed…

BUCK: The only we that agreed around here was you and Juanita…now…I said the place could use a little touchin’ up here and there…but what you’ve got in mind is a major project!  You ought to call in Ernie and Ben—they’re professionals…

DORIS: Ben and…oh—are you kidding?  Now that is really silly…we can do it just as good as Ben and Ernie…or better…

BUCK: Thinkin’ you can do somethin’ and doin’ it is two different things now…

Wow, Buck…that’s just…wow…  Buck can clearly see he’s on the losing end of this argument (nothing new there), so he tells Doris to stay out of his room because “I like it just the way it is.”

DORIS: Your room?  Your room’s the worst one of all…those walls are so drab and dull…

BUCK: That’s my two favorite colors…drab and dull…so just stay away from them…

While this conversation has been taking place, Doris has been cracking eggs into a blender—a rather novel way to make scrambled eggs, to be sure…but she has to do it this way because otherwise what comedy that happens next could not take place.  Leroy volunteers to make the toast, and in getting the toaster he unplugs Doris’ blender…so when Dodo turns on the blender, naturally nothing happens.  She opens the blender at the same time Leroy re-plugs in the appliance…

…and vee-ola!  An egg shampoo!  “You nincompoop!” hollers Buck, as is his wont.  Leroy stammers out an apology for being such a dumbass, but Doris takes it in stride.  “Well, at least now I know what to paint the kitchen,” she says philosophically.  “Scrambled egg yellow.”  (Oh, Dor…you are a doodle.)

There’s a brief scene of Doris giving her brood kisses goodbye, and issuing the standard parental instructions—behave yourselves, listen to Grandpa and Leroy, yadda yadda yadda.  Leroy is in the driver’s seat, punching various buttons…which is how Buck gets momentarily stuck in the back window as he’s placing a carton of items in with the kids.  (Leroy, you’re incorrigible!)

BUCK (angrily): Do you know what you are, boy?!!

LEROY: Does it start with “n”?

BUCK: You’re a nincompoop!  That’s what you are!  Now don’t touch a thing until I tell you!

“I’m warning you, Dobbs!”  And the menfolk are off to go camping and eat with their hands and all that other rites of passage stuff.  A scene shift finds domestic Juanita hovering over the Hoover as Doris carries in a ladder, paint cans, paint rollers and several rolls of wallpaper so the Great Redecorating Project can commence.

DORIS: I figured we could make up for the time we’re going to need for eating and sleeping…mostly eating…

JUANITA: Oh, you know—just that thought makes me very hungry…very tired…

DORIS: You want to rest?

JUANITA: Yes!

“I wanted to do that this morning, before you decided to open up the freakin’ kitchen!”  Doris is still not sure what kind of paper she’s going to put on Billy and Toby’s walls—if she’s asking for suggestions, I submit she should just pad the darn things.  She puts two designs up against the window to get Juanita’s opinion, and the housekeeper suggests Doris separate the two patterns so she can get a better feel…

…and that’s when we get the first glimpse of one of this week’s guest stars—“Alan Sues!” as we might exclaim if we were on radio.

Alan is playing the part of Edgar Semple Simpson…but at the time of the airing of this episode, he was just starting to make a name for himself as a regular on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, which would finish the 1968-69 television season as the #1 program in the Nielsen ratings.  Sues portrayed kid show host Uncle Al, the Kiddie’s Pal (“Uncle Al had to take a lot of medicine last night…”) and a fey sportscaster named Big Al, who punctuated his reports with the ringing of a bell (which he called his “tinkle”).  Though he never publicly disclosed his homosexuality, Alan’s campy Laugh-In characters—as well as his later portrayal of Peter Pan in some memorable 70s commercials for the peanut butter brand—were at that time one of the few instances when audiences saw a fearless gay man on TV (outside of game-show panelists Paul Lynde, Charles Nelson Reilly, etc.).  Sues also appeared in the classic Twilight Zone episode “The Masks” (where at age 38 he plays the world’s oldest college student) and his film roles include the Doris Day-James Garner romp Move Over, Darling (1963) and The Americanization of Emily (1964).

DORIS: There’s a man outside!

JUANITA: What man?

DORIS: Look for yourself!

Dor pulls the wallpapers apart again…only to see a different face in character great Robert Easton.  Easton’s wizardry with dialects earned him the nickname of “the Henry Higgins of Hollywood”; in the years before his death in 2011 he worked as a dialect coach on such films as Scarface (1983), Good Will Hunting (1997) and The Last King of Scotland (2006)…and he demonstrated his versatility in both the 1961 film Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and a memorable Get Smart two-parter, “The Little Black Book” (he played Maestro, a German agent).  Most of the time, however, Bob was the go-to guy for hillbillies: among his most unforgettable portrayals were the brother of Gunsmoke’s Chester Goode in the episode “Magnus,” and a hilarious bit in the Abbott & Costello vehicle Comin ‘Round the Mountain (1951)—in which his character of Luke McCoy (not to be confused with Dick Crenna on The Real McCoys) continually (and proudly) claims: “I’m tetched…I got kicked in the head by a mule!”  (I don’t think a day has gone by at Rancho Yesteryear when my father hasn’t referenced that line—and he despises Bud & Lou’s movies with every fiber of his reality show-loving being.)  Easton did a lot of old-time radio work; he had roles on The Harold Peary Show and Meet Millie, but is best known as Lester Nelson, neighbor to Fibber McGee & Molly when their show shifted to a five-day-a-week quarter-hour format in 1953.  (Bob was also a one-time “Quiz Kid”!)

JUANITA: Do you know him?

DORIS: I didn’t know the first one!

JUANITA: What first one?!!

Well, let’s not keep the ladies in suspense any longer—it’s time to explain their presence on the show.  (And no offense to Alan Sues…but Easton kind of walks away with this episode as Albert Semple Simpson—seriously, he’s the saving grace.)

EDGAR: Howdy!  I hope I didn’t give you a start at the window…

DORIS: Well, you did a little…

EDGAR: Oh, I’m sorry…my name is Edgar Simpson—and this here is my brother Albert…

(Edgar reaches out the front door to pull Albert in)

ALBERT: Hi!  (Chuckles goofily)

Both Doris and Juanita are a little flummoxed that the two men know who they are—which Edgar is able to explain by relating that he’s received many a letter from Cousin Leroy, who does a pretty good job describing people in his dispatches to home.  Edgar and Albert are kin to Leroy, as is this man who’s introduced as an afterthought…

…Cousin Herman—played by character great Dennis Fimple.  You know Dennis as Grandpa Hugo in the Rob Zombie-directed opus, House of 1000 Corpses (2003)…and those of us a bit older have seen him as Kyle Murtry, a member of the Hole in the Wall Gang that appeared occasionally on Alias Smith and Jones.  We’ve already made Dennis’ acquaintance in a past installment of Twisted Television—he was the mechanic that Gomer Pyle briefly mistook for Cousin Goober in the Gomer Pyle, USMC episode “Gomer Goes Home.”  

EDGAR (to Herman): This is Mrs. Martin…one of Cousin Leroy’s bosses…

HERMAN: But you just seen me meet her, Edgar…

EDGAR: Just put out your hand and do it proper!

(Herman vigorously shakes Doris’ hand)

EDGAR: Say, Mrs. Martin…you can’t tell us where Cousin Leroy is, can you?

DORIS: Oh…you know, he’s going to be so disappointed…he just left early this morning with my father and my two sons on a weekend camping trip…

ALBERT (drawling): That’s too bad…

EDGAR: Well, I guess we might as well be goin’ on…when you see Cousin Leroy, would you tell him we’ll come back sometime?

Now…you and I know that if these guys depart there’ll be no episode this week (don’t think I can’t hear you cheering out there) so Doris reminds them that she has a maid who’ll make coffee…and she also asks if they might want to “freshen up a bit.”  (Day kind of gulps this last part, which is pretty funny.)  She’ll even throw in a few stacks of buttermilk pancakes!

ALBERT: Oh…well, that’s mighty hospitable of you, ma’am!  We’d be honored!  (Another goofy laugh)

EDGAR (hitting him in the shoulder): There you go again, Albert!  Stepping out of line!  I’m the oldest one—I get to make the decisions!  (After a pause) That’s mighty hospitable of you, ma’am—we’d be honored…

The three cousins devour the batch of pancakes and are most grateful to Juanita for the grub—Edgar tells her he’d like to have the recipe, and a puzzled Juanita is told by Albert: “He does all our cookin’.”  As Edgar and the group head back to the living room, he hits Doris in the ass with the kitchen door (she bent down to pick up one of the paint brushes) but she waves it off.

ALBERT: We’d sure like to repay you for your kindness…

DORIS: Albert, it’s okay…

HERMAN: We could chop you up a cord of wood in no time!

DORIS: Herman, I really don’t need any wood!  In fact, there just isn’t anything you can do around here…just being Leroy’s cousins is enough for me…

EDGAR: Well, this room sure looks like it needs some help…

DORIS: Well…we’re just going to do a little spring cleaning…you know, a little wallpapering here, a little painting…not much…

EDGAR: Albert!  Herman!  You heard her…time’s a wastin’!

ALBERT: I’ll start vacuumin’ in here!

DORIS: Oh, Albert…

EDGAR: And I’ll paint the kitchen!

DORIS: Oh, listen…I appreciate this…but…

HERMAN (snapping his fingers): I seen some rugs out on the porch that I can clean for ya…

DORIS: But…

HERMAN: I got it, got it, got it…

Albert heads to the vacuum cleaner…and in true sitcom fashion, he puts the silly thing in reverse, spewing dust and dirt everywhere (“Isn’t it supposed to suck the dirt in—not suck it out?”).  Doris looks helplessly at Juanita and remarks: “We’re being repaid for our kindness.”

Because this episode relies a lot on slapstick and physical humor, this write-up is going to be a bit shorter than our usual Dodo presentations.  Back from commercial break, Juanita is in a state because “that crazy Edgar is going to paint the kitchen red!”  Doris doesn’t understand how this can be so (“I only bought off-white”) until her housekeeper informs her that he’s added a few cans of tomato soup to the mix.  Doris races into the kitchen to head off the impending disaster.

DORIS: Well, I really don’t want to hold up your trip because…you know, I know that you have a whole trip planned…

EDGAR: Oh nonsense, ma’am!  I wasn’t really wanting to go anyway…

DORIS: Oh…really?

EDGAR: No!  We were just going over to see cousin Jesse Higgins ‘cause Mama wanted us to…I really didn’t want to go…

DORIS: Leroy mentioned a cousin Jesse Higgins…

EDGAR: Well, then you know what kind of people they are!

DORIS: Well, no…he didn’t say much…

EDGAR: Well, ma’am…I’m not one to gossip…but that whole family’s really crude…as a matter of fact, I know cousin Jesse only shaves three times a week…

DORIS: Well, a lot of men don’t like to shave, you know…

EDGAR: Cousin Jesse’s a woman…

An obvious joke, yes…but I like the way Sues sells it.  Doris is able to talk Edgar out of painting the kitchen red even though he’s not particularly wild about her choice (white), so while he heads out for a new can of paint Dor watches Herman out in the backyard, beating rugs.  She sees her electric blanket on the “to be beaten” pile and runs out to explain that he can skip that particular one.

Back in the kitchen, Juanita asks Edgar if he’s received Doris’ instructions that the kitchen is to be painted white.  He answers in the affirmative, but explains that it’s a pity he has to throw out all that red paint.  As he talks to Juanita, he shakes the paint brush outside the window…

…hi-jinks!  Edgar tells Doris he’ll go get something to take off those spots, and the hapless Doris—after briefly conversing with Juanita that there’s nothing she can do about the Family Simpson without hurting their feelings—heads upstairs to rid herself of her “measles” when she’s stopped by Albert, who’s finishing his living room vacuuming…

ALBERT: Are you feelin’ okay, Mrs. Martin?  You sure look like you’re comin’ down with somethin’…

DORIS: Oh, I’m fine, Albert…

ALBERT: But them spots on your face…

DORIS: Albert…when I’m happy, my freckles change color…

Albert wants to know what else he can do once the living room is finished…and though Doris tells him everything is jake he offers to go upstairs and help her with her project…so she suggests he go outside and chop some firewood.

Doris heads up to the boys’ room, where she hopes to be able to put up the wallpaper in peace.  She slaps a little glue on the back of the paper, and then goes over to the wall to apply the paper.  But she’s right behind the door to the room, and any student of sitcoms will tell you…

…that’s just asking for trouble.  Cousin Edgar—helpful Cousin Edgar—brought up some turpentine to clean the spots off her face.  “Well, that’s the darndest thing,” he declares, pulling the wallpaper off Doris.  “That stuff works better than turpentine do!”

Doris Day or Lucille Ball?  It’s hard to tell, isn’t it?

The rugs are finished, the kitchen is finished (“It’s okay…if you like off-white…”) and the firewood is chopped and stacked.  Doris had to go into town for more wallpaper (“She used a whole roll takin’ the spots off her face!”), so rather than wait until she returns to find out if there’s anything else she wants done, the Simpson clan decide to take the initiative and paint the living room.

ALBERT: What color do you figger we ought to paint it?

HERMAN: Green!  Like the bus depot over t’Higgins Point!

ALBERT: No…I like orange…like the lobby of the Bijou Theater back home…

“I can’t believe you’re my brothers!” screeches Edgar.  “Orange!  Green!  You don’t have no taste at all!”  He explains to his brothers that this is not a depot or a theater but a house—and I can’t do it justice, but the way Easton deadpans “Yes…this is a house” literally sent me to the floor laughing.

HERMAN: What color are you hankerin’ for, Edgar?

EDGAR: Lavender!

Yeah, that’s not a tell.

HERMAN: That might be nice, Albert!

ALBERT: I ain’t so sure…

EDGAR (upset): No one’s askin’ you to be sure!  I’m the one with the color sense!

ALBERT: Just ‘cause you got one blue eye and one green eye…that don’t mean you got color sense…

“You ain’t got one single drop of couth!” Edgar informs his brother, and Albert leaves the house to go sit in the truck by himself.

HERMAN: You shouldn’t have said that, Edgar…about the couth…

EDGAR: Well, he’s just an old poop…

You watch your phraseology!

HERMAN: But you know what’s gonna happen now…and if Ma finds out…she’s gonna be awful mad!  Remember the whuppin’ you got last time?

Sues’ reaction to this is hysterical, and so are his efforts to get Easton’s character out of the truck by simultaneously threatening and pleading.  Finally, he gives up.  “You have more couth…than anybody in Chautau County,” he admits.

Albert agrees to come out of the truck, and Sues scores another comic bulls-eye by plaintively asking him: “You ain’t gonna tell Ma, are ya?”  But even though Albert has left the confines of the Simpson lorry, he’s still insistent that the Martin living room be bathed in orange paint, setting Edgar off again…and Albert back to the truck.

After a short scene where Edgar finally gives in and agrees to paint the room orange, there is a dissolve to Doris bidding the Simpson clan a fond fare-thee-well…

DORIS: …and I’ll be sure and tell Leroy you were here…

EDGAR: Sorry to have missed him, ma’am…but was mighty glad to help you!

ALBERT: I just wished we could’ve stayed longer and done more…

DORIS: Oh…listen…

HERMAN: Things worked out real well, didn’t they, ma’am?

DORIS: Real well…

Doris is, of course, just being polite…because once company is down the road, she collapses on a bench in the front yard.

JUANITA: Come on, Doris…you can’t just sit there…you’ve got to come in and face it…

DORIS: Do I have to?

JUANITA: You got a better idea?

DORIS: Uh-uh…

JUANITA: Come on—we haven’t got much time…they’re going to be here in a little while and there’s so much to do!

DORIS: Okay, Juanita…okay, I’ll be there…

JUANITA: Oh, boy—it’s a lucky thing your dad locked his room…

DORIS: He should have locked this house!

The implication here is that the Simpsons Three did paint the living room to look like a Howard Johnson’s…but alas, there wasn’t enough money in the budget to convey this and a potentially hilarious gag falls flat.  So let’s get to the ending on this, and believe me—there’s not much of one.

Buck and the boys return home to see the house in fine shape; the boys run up to their room to check out the new wallpaper, and Buck is dumbfounded.  “I didn’t think you and Juanita had it in you,” he beams.  “This is real professional—Ernie and Ben couldn’t have done it this good…”

Well, you should have seen that coming a mile away.  Ernie and Ben emerge from the kitchen, apologizing to Doris that they weren’t able to finish everything at one time.  The guy on the left playing Ben, actor Bard Stevens, didn’t do anything too noteworthy (though he will return for two additional Doris outings) but the guy on the right (Ernie) is Pat Cranshaw (billed here as J.P. Cranshaw), who you’ll recognize as Joseph “Blue” Pulaski from Old School (2003—“You’re my boy, Blue!”).  Cranshaw also had recurring roles on Alice (as Andy) and After MASH (as Bob Scannell), and will also turn up in later Doris Day episodes.

As for the coda…Doris and Buck have settled in for the evening; she’s doing some mending and he asks about getting some coffee.  She stabs herself with a needle, and makes a statement that she’s accident-prone.

DORIS: I really am, I’m accident-prone…you know, that happens to a lot of people…

BUCK: You’re not accident-prone…

DORIS: Oh yes, I am…

BUCK: No, just people like Leroy and his cousins make people think they are…

DORIS: Well, what are you supposed to do when you’re around Leroy—run out of the room?

Not a bad idea, come to think of it.

BUCK: Just be on your guard and…stand perfectly still…

And so Doris takes Buck’s advice when Leroy enters the living room—Doris waits until Leroy stops prattling on about hearing from his cousins, and then she asks him to take care of a ladder in the kitchen.  Leroy goes back into the kitchen to take the ladder to the basement…and while he’s doing that, Buck asks again about that coffee—but Doris is staying put until she’s sure Leroy is in the basement.

“I’m not afraid of him—I’ll get it myself,” declares Buck.  Wait for it…

After being hit in the nose with the door, Buck then calls Leroy a nincompoop for the third time in this episode as he chases him into the kitchen, prompting Doris to give out with a girlish laugh and me to breathe a sigh of relief that we’re done for the week.

Next time on Doris Day(s)…well, anytime a show like this features a guest star it might signal that there’ll be a few laughs to be had.  But even an old pro like Strother Martin can’t help The Doris Day Show…and in “Love a Duck,” he’ll learn that what we have here is a failure to anticipate.  Until that time—toodle-oo!