Doris Day(s) #15: “Let Them Out of the Nest” (01/21/69, prod. no #8512)

Que sera, sera…well, after a three-month hiatus, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear is pleased to bring back the staggeringly popular Doris Day(s).  (Crickets)  All righty then.  This week’s episode has a special resonance for yours truly, mostly due to the fact that at the new PNW location of The Double K Ranch (the residence of my sister Kat and her fambly), a chicken-raising project is currently underway—as evidenced by this photo of my nephew Davis and Exhibit A:

I just want to warn you good people…I have an endless reservoir of cute photos of him posing with his poultry menagerie, and I’m not afraid to use them should events in today’s episode slow to a crawl.  But I don’t think this will be necessary (ha!), because as “Let Them Out of the Nest” opens, we find Widder Martin (Doris) and her loyal housekeeper Juanita (Naomi Stevens) dutifully hanging up the wash while the Laird and Master of Webb Farms, Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle), treats himself to a snooze in the hammock.  Inside the house, the phone starts to ring…so as Juanita excuses herself to go answer it, the introduction of a goose named “Bernice” means the slapstick shenanigans will now begin…

Buck gets his Christmas goose early, and pandemonium breaks out with him angrily chasing Bernice, followed by faithful sheepdog Nelson (Lord Nelson)…the three of them run willy-nilly around the yard, knocking over the wetwash poles and dirtying up the laundry all to Doris’ amusement…

Que lastima!  Nelson does not like Bernice at all, so you’d think the family Webb would have doped out a better solution on how to handle these tricky dog-goose relations by now.  Well, this hilarity is really just a prelude to introduce Doris’ eldest son Billy (Philip Brown), who is a-tingle with excitement.

BILLY: Wait till you hear about Arthur Nader!

DORIS: Who’s he?

BILLY: You know—the new guy who lives up the road!

DORIS: Oh, yeah…what about him?

BILLY: Well, he’s going away for two weeks and he said we could take over his egg route!

DORIS: His egg… (She can’t finish the sentence)

BILLY: Can we, Mom?  Please…

DORIS: Billy, I really don’t even want to think about it right now…

BUCK: Wait a minute…wait a minute…

BILLY: It’s easy!  Honest, Mom!

BUCK: That’s not a bad idea—I had an egg route when I was a kid…it’ll be good for him!

Leaving aside the fact that I would challenge as to whether or not Buck was ever “a kid,” Doris isn’t completely on board with the idea of her irresponsible son doing responsible things.

DORIS: You really think you could do that?

BILLY (getting to his feet): Yippee!  I’ll go tell Toby it’s okay!

DORIS: Hey!  I didn’t say that you…

BUCK: I…kind of think you did…

So that settles that!  In the next scene…

…salad?  For dinner?  Must be a special occasion—Thursday night is jelly donut night…

DORIS: So I guess now they have an egg route…I didn’t even say yes…

(Juanita chuckles)

BUCK: Will you quit worryin’ about those boys…all they’re gonna do is deliver a few eggs…it’s good for ‘em…makin’ a big thing out of nothin’…

JUANITA: Well, just take it easy on her…she’s just being a mother…

Looks like someone hasn’t quite learned their place in the House of Webb.

BUCK: Teach ‘em responsibility!

DORIS: But they’re so young for all that responsibility…

BUCK: Well, they’re old enough to start learnin’…and listen—they’re gonna be on a farm, they gotta learn to haul their own freight…

I realize that snatch of dialogue might unnerve a few of you out there who are used to the blog’s write-ups from Mayberry R.F.D., where poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry) rarely made his idiot son Mike (Buddy Foster) “haul his own freight.”  (That’s because their farm was largely fictional, of course.)

DORIS: Oh, you kill me…

BUCK (to Juanita): Why don’t you chop up the…

DORIS: Just don’t change the subject…who’s out there saddling the horses and fixing the bikes and baiting the fishhooks and all that jazz?

BUCK: Well, that’s altogether different…

DORIS: Oh, sure…it’s different when it’s you hauling the freight…

JUANITA: Take it easy…he’s just being a grandfather…

Well, I have to hand it to Juanita—she may be a buttinsky, but she’s a diplomatic one.  And so it’s time to introduce the previously referenced Arthur Nader, who’s played in this episode by a child actor named Bob Graham.  Mr. Graham apparently found another line of work because with the exception of this appearance and a credit for the 1971 film Dusty and Sweets McGee (which is available on MOD DVD through the Warner Archive, in case the WA wants to send me a free copy) his acting career was nasty, brutish and short.  Doris plays the proper hostess by bringing out a bowl of hot buttered popcorn for Arthur and her kids, who then get down to the business at hand.

ARTHUR: Now you better take notes…’cause what I’m going to tell you is pretty important…

TOBY: Yes, sir…

DORIS: Toby…you can’t…

BILLY: Mom!  This is a business meeting…

“So why don’t you run out to the kitchen and fetch us some soda pop—okay, Sweetcheeks?”

ARTHUR: Now these are the rules that you gotta remember when you’re delivering eggs…

“The first rule of Egg Club is…you do not talk about Egg Club…the second rule of Egg Club is…you DO NOT talk about Egg Club!”

ARTHUR: All of the eggs have to be delivered by six a.m.…that’s in the morning…

Oh, come on, Arthur…they’re not that stu…okay, forget I said anything.  Check out Doris’ reaction to the news that her kidlets are going to have to be up at the butt-crack of dawn:

ARTHUR: You got that down?

TOBY: Uh-uh…

ARTHUR: Why not?

TOBY: I don’t know how to write…

“I like cheese!”  Doris offers to be the stenographer during this discussion but Billy waves her off with an “I can do it…”

ARTHUR: Rule number two…don’t break none…

TOBY: Why?

BILLY: ‘Cause if you break ‘em, they don’t have to pay for ‘em…right, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Right…rule number three…collect the money every Saturday…

DORIS (after a pause): Honey?  Did you write that down?

BILLY: I’ll remember, Mom…

DORIS: Billy…if you’re going into business now the money is the most important part…isn’t that right, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Right…I’d give you my notebook…but my address is in it…

What a strange, strange line.  So Arthur hands the Martin brothers a list of his customers and their addresses, then tells them the egg boxes are out on the porch.  “Come on—I gotta get goin’,” he says impatiently.  (He must be running late for that meeting with HR.)  Doris sneaks off the couch and starts towards the porch but is stopped by Buck.  “I’m just going to get the popcorn,” she lies.  She has no intention of going out to the porch…but looking out the window, she observes the boys and then shouts: “Hold it out there!”

Billy and Toby are loaded down with egg cartons, and are comically trying to carry them out to the barn.  But Doris starts taking them out of their hands, giving them the old “you’ll-break-your-necks-if-you-can’t-see” nonsense.  Buck proposes that they let their ma take the boxes to the barn because it is getting late after all, and they’ll need to be up at four a.m. to start Project Egg Route.  So he loads Doris down with the cartons, because he’s a right rat bastard when he sets his mind to it.

Of course, with Doris trying to manipulate the boxes, it’s not long before we add this to the mix.

Let’s just call this “Ladadog’s Revenge.”  (“Steal me from my nice home in Larchmont, will ya?”)  The inevitable happens—Nelson gooses Doris, causing her to drop all of the cartons and splitting the sides of anyone unfortunate to be watching the DVD.

3:59 a.m.  It would appear that the Martin brothers have not slept a wink all night, because they are too excited about their new career as egg salesmen.  (“It’s kind of like Christmas morning,” offers Toby.)  The alarm goes off, and the two boys quickly remove their pajamas to reveal that they are wearing their street clothes underneath.  They then move to the bathroom, where they “wet” their toothbrushes and washcloths, then “dry” their hands on bath towels to perpetuate the illusion that they washed their faces and behind their ears.  (Yes, it plays like a Brady Bunch gag.)  They race out of their rooms and down the stairs, dutifully followed by Nelson—then they realize they are barefoot and race back upstairs to get their shoes.  (Nelson carries Toby’s shoes in his mouth, which did make me giggle.)

TOBY: What are you gonna have for breakfast?

BILLY: I’m gonna have ham, eggs, bacon, toast and milk…

TOBY: Me, too…but I’ll have biscuits instead of toast…

BILLY: Okay… (Pause) Who’s gonna cook it?

TOBY: I’ll get Mom…

Yeah!  Get her lazy carcass out of bed and into the kitchen, so she can get those boys a heapin’ bowl of licorice whips or something.  But no…Brother William decides that would be bad form, since the whole purpose of Project Hen Fruit is to show Doris the boys are capable of doing it themselves.  Billy and Toby will make their own breakfast.

"Billy!  I've never seen so much cheese in my life!"

This is inside that refrigerator of the Martins that I love for some odd reason.  Billy and Toby decide upon a hearty breakfast of pickles, spaghetti and jelly…washing that splendid repast down with a couple of root beers.  At the risk of sounding scoldy, I don’t think this is proper for boys their age.  That sort of meal should be eaten when they’re in college.

After scarfing down breakfast, the two boys head out to the barn.  Toby is still finishing the last of his root beer, and on the last swallow he tosses the bottle off-screen…but instead of the sound of glass breaking we hear the screeching of a cat.  “Sorry, Al,” he says.  (How did this sneak past animal lover Doris, I wonder?)  The boys then see that there is a light on in the chicken house…and guess who’s inside?

“You know, it’s quarter to five,” complains Doris to Juanita.  “I knew they wouldn’t get up at four o’clock.”  Juanita offers to wake the boys, but Doris tells her not yet—they’ll wait until all the eggs are parked in the station wagon, because Doris plans to drive them.

TOBY: She’s gonna drive us into town…

BILLY: And keep an eye on us…

TOBY: What are we going to do?

They’ll just have to teach Doris a lesson she’ll never forget.  A scene change finds Dodo entering the boys’ bedroom and turning on the light…where she finds Billy and Toby still in their beds.

DORIS: Come on, men…up and at ‘em…come on, boys…egg time!  Come on, lazybones—we’ve got deliveries to make!

BILLY: I don’t feel good…

DORIS: You what?  (She feels his forehead) Oh, no…

TOBY: Me either…

DORIS (feeling Toby’s forehead) Well, where does it hurt?

BILLY: All over…

DORIS: Oh…

Really, Doris?  You’re going to let those mooks put this over on you?  When I faked illness to get out of something I didn’t want to do (like school, for instance) I had to provide a little more substance than that.  Coughing up blood, for starters.

JUANITA (entering the bedroom): Aren’t they out of bed yet?

DORIS: They don’t feel well…

JUANITA: No wonder…you should see what they just ate for breakfast…

DORIS: What?

JUANITA: Pickles, spaghetti and root beer…

DORIS: What?

“You boys know better than that—there are macaroons in the crisper!”  Doris is not happy with this turn of events, but since Juanita volunteers to take care of the boys (she’s not that dumb) it looks as if Doris will have to tackle the egg deliveries.

Back from the commercial break, Doris attempts to load up the cartons of eggs in her jitney.  Once this task is completed, she gets into the station wagon and backs up…but the car is not running smoothly—the ride is a little bumpy; it’s almost as if she accidentally ran over Al.  (Sorry, cat fanciers.)

Nope…the station wagon just has a flat!  Cue the sad trombone!

Okay, Plan B—Doris carefully puts the egg cartons into a large box and piles that into the back of the pickup truck.  As she prepares to get in via the driver’s side, she notices that the hood of the vehicle is up…

Cue the sad orchestra!  You know, you’d think she would have noticed that before doing all that work.  (I have a feeling that the individual who removed that engine is none other than handyman Leroy B. Semple Simpson [James Hampton], who thankfully is not in this week’s episode.)

You don’t get to be America’s favorite female movie box office champ without having a Plan C, good people.  Doris must resort to using one of the boys’ bicycles to begin her egg deliveries.  Throughout most of these delivery shenanigans, there’s a running gag involving a newspaper delivery boy (Keith Huntley) who’s delivering The Cotina Free Press, or whatever the rag in that town is called.  Jauntily whistling Merrily We Roll Along, each paper he tosses at a doorstep manages to hit Doris in the ass.

Delivering eggs at one house, she sees two sets of numbers on the front: “613” and “613 ½”—the “half” also has a designation of “rear” alongside it.  So Doris goes around to the other side of the house with the eggs as a squad car watches.  The deputy in the car exits the vehicle and draws his gun…

…it’s not entirely noticeable from the above screen cap, but the actor playing Cotina’s version of Barney Fife is Raymond Kark, who appeared earlier on the series in the episode “The Friend.”

As Doris comes back around carrying the carton of eggs, Deputy Marvin (Kark’s billing in the credits) yells “Freeze!” and squeezes off several rounds as if he were skeet shooting.  The commotion wakes up the owner of the house…

Holy Hooterville, Batman!  It’s Doris Ziffel!  Okay, she’s identified as “Mrs. Wilkins” here—but there’s a certain delicious irony seeing Green Acres’ own Barbara Pepper in an episode of The Doris Day Show…since Dodo’s previous housekeeper, Fran Ryan, would take over as Mrs. Z on Acres after Pepper’s passing on July 18, 1969.  (Babs appeared on an episode of Mayberry R.F.D.—“The Church Bell”—and had an uncredited bit in 1969’s Hook, Line and Sinker before leaving this world for a better one.)  “What’s going on down there?” Mrs. W demands to know.

“It’s all right, Mr. Wilkins…just shooting some eggs,” offers Deputy Marvin helpfully. 

Another house, another newspaper in the ass.  This time, Doris falls into the flora and fauna around the front door and…

Well, you can’t make an omelet, yadda yadda yadda.  At the next house, Doris sets down the egg carton…and is interrupted by a man staggering up the steps with an umbrella.

“Hal Smith!” as they say on radio.  Yes, the man famous for playing Mayberry’s beloved inebriate, Otis Campbell, plays a similar souse here—and he tells Doris “No, no, no…”

DRUNK: Not there…not there…

DORIS: I beg your pardon?

DRUNK: Don’t put those eggs out here…those little chickies might catch cold…

DORIS: There are no chickies in here…

DRUNK: Oh, yes there are…

So The Drunk takes the carton of eggs to a windowsill…and breaks the window with his umbrella.  Placing the carton inside, he tells a stunned Doris: “Now the little chickies will be warm…”  Hijinks!

One more house.  As Doris bends over to sit down the carton of eggs, she hears Merrily We Roll Along…and she quickly rights herself to avoid taking a paper in the gluteus maximus.  Unfortunately, this maneuver causes her to step right on the eggs.  Poor Dodo.

Mrs. Martin suffers her last indignity with her last delivery…as she walks across a lawn, a thoughtless neighbor turns on the sprinklers, giving her a right soaking.  But you might be able to make out a rainbow in this screen cap…

…Paperboy tosses another paper at Doris—this one only hits her in the leg.  But it cheeses her off to the point where she grabs an egg and throws it at him, tagging him in the back of the head.

Doris pedals home.  She is wet, sore and tired as she trudges into the house.

JUANITA: How did it go?

DORIS: All I know is…everybody in the whole world should deliver eggs just once…gives you humility…

Walk a mile in my shoes

Walk a mile in my shoes

Hey, before you abuse

Criticize and accuse

Walk a mile in my shoes

The newly humbled Doris manages to make it upstairs…and just as she’s about to enter her boudoir for a nice soak in the tub she hears laughter and gaiety from her sons’ room.

Pillow fight!  Those young rapscallions are at it again!

DORIS: What are you doing?  Get off this bed!  Get over there…what is going on?  I thought you two were supposed to be sick!

“Really, Mom?  And Shreve thinks we’re the dumb ones…”

DORIS: Here I am out there doing all the work…do you think that’s fair?

“Maybe not…but on the other hand…we’ve never seen you looking so humble.”  Doris continues her rant until Billy interrupts her, pointing out that she kind of took over things like a big bossy boss.  Her father also reinforces the lecture a few moments later once she’s got back to her room.

DORIS: Did you see what that room looks like in there?

BUCK: Sit down…

DORIS: I wish that somebody would keep an eye on those two when I’m out and…

BUCK: Sit down and be quiet!

“Or so help me, I will cut a bitch!”  Well, I’m going to skip over this part—it’s the basic boilerplate from Buck:  kids have to take on their own responsibilities; Doris is being a mother hen; kids have to have the freedom to make their own mistakes; argle bargle argle bargle.

BUCK: Now then…there are thirteen more days…those eggs have got to be delivered…who’s gonna deliver them?

DORIS (after a pause): Not me!

“So suck it, old man!”  Okay, let’s stick a coda on this: the epilogue finds the kids’ alarm going off at four again, and they go through the fake toothbrush and face washing ritual—only to be confronted by their mother, who seems to have wised up since the last commercial break.

DORIS: Hold it!

BILLY: What’s the matter, Mom?

DORIS: Did you wash your face and brush your teeth?

“Define ‘face’.  And ‘teeth,’ for that matter.”

TOBY: But, Mom…we…

DORIS: No buts about it…get in there and do it…

BILLY: I thought you said we were on our own?

DORIS: You are…as far as your business life is concerned…when it comes to your personal life—I’m still in charge…march!

“Washin’ that face, boss…”  I have one hundred and thirteen more episodes of this to wade through…what the hell was I thinking?  Well, be that as it may—be sure to join us here next week for the return of Doris’ nemesis Tyrone Lovey (played by Strother Martin) in the not-uproarious-in-the-slightest episode, “The Clock.”  Toodle-oo!