Government Agents vs. Phantom Legion – Chapter 6: Mechanical Homicide

Who would have suspected that Hal Duncan (Walter Reed)—Special Government Agent!—would not perish after being thrown up against a barn stall decorated with an exposed axe blade?  Okay, quite a lot of you probably knew Hal wouldn’t die…otherwise, this would be a depressing chapter with the funeral and all.  (“Hal was a good man…but he was also a stupid man, prone to taking risks a saner individual would have avoided…”)

But here’s something that will definitely throw you for a loop—just at the moment when Hal is being tossed at that stall by evil henchman Cady (Fred Coby), loyal gal Friday Kay Roberts (Mary Ellen Kay) manages to loosen her bonds and dive off the hay bale on which she was being captive.  She’s still tied up, but she manages to grab a discarded heater and commences to firing at Cady and his pal Regan (Dick Curtis).

“Hey, let’s get out of here!” Regan cries out, and he and Cady quickly scamper out of the barn like mice.  I don’t want to denigrate the efforts of Miss Roberts, by the way, but since she was still tied up her movements were somewhat limited—I don’t know why Regan just didn’t double around and grab her behind…er, grab her from behind.  Still, I shouldn’t play Monday morning quarterback…kudos to the creative minds of Big Gubmint Agents vs. Phantom Legion for allowing her to demonstrate that Kay is more than capable of doing other things than make coffee and take messages.  (If you’ll wait a few minutes, you’ll see that I spoke too soon…that cloth-eared bint is tied up a second time in this thing.)

"Hannh?"

Yes, that’s Hal’s flunky Sam Bradley (John Pickard), waking up from his nap.  He was of little use in what I’ve chosen to call The Battle of the Barn and consequently, this is his only contribution to this week’s chapter.  He’s probably on a shame sabbatical.

With that, let’s join the meeting of the Interstate Truck Owners Association…already in progress.

ARMSTRONG: This gang of criminals must really be desperate to resort to kidnapping a woman to gain their ends…

Either that or they’re indescribably horny.

WILLARD: Yes, and you can’t blame the government for not wanting to ship critical materials by truck as long as those hijackers are still operating…

CRANDALL: Gentlemen, I have a solution to the problem…but I’m afraid you’re not going to like it…I intend to protect every one of my government shipments with armed guards—both in the trucks and in the escorting patrol cars…

THOMPSON: Why, the cost would be prohibitive!

WILLARD: You couldn’t possibly make expenses!

CRANDALL: I realize that…but this is a national emergency…and I feel it warrants some personal sacrifice on my part…

ARMSTRONG: That’s all very well for you, Crandall—your company is big enough to stand the loss…but it would put the rest of us out of business!

CRANDALL: I knew you wouldn’t like it…

“Me, on the other hand—I’m becoming more and more enthusiastic about the idea the more I consider the implications.”  Okay, he doesn’t really say that—what Crandall does say is “I intend to carry it out if the government will give me the orders under those conditions.”

“I’m sure they will,” agrees Hal.  In other words, Messrs. Armstrong (Pierce Lyden), Thompson (Mauritz Hugo) and Willard (George Meeker)—it sucks to be you.  (Hal’s not worried—he’s got that government paycheck to fall back on.)  So the conclave breaks up, and that means we whoosh across down to the sinister-looking Metz Building…

…where the master criminal known as “The Voice” is informing Regan and Cady of the details of Crandall’s dick move.

VOICE: Crandall’s just proposed an arrangement which will seriously interfere with our hijacking operations and he must be removed…

REGAN: That’s a tough order…Crandall always has a bodyguard…

VOICE: The guard never goes with him into offices where business is being discussed…I’ll arrange to have him called to the Association office…you can do the rest…

REGAN: Isn’t that place rather public to do any shooting?

VOICE: Shooting won’t be necessary…get those glass bulbs out of the box in the file behind you…

In those bulbs are copious amounts of “poison gas”—something the boys at Voice Laboratories worked up on their lunch break.  Regan and Cady are instructed not to drop them “till you’re ready.”  And so it’s back to the ITOA, where we find lonely Kay answering a call from Hal on the two-way radio.

HAL: All checkpoints okay?

KAY: Yes…just a minute, Hal—I’ll read you the report…

(Crandall enters the office)

CRANDALL: Morning, Miss Roberts…

KAY (surprised): Good morning, Mr. Crandall…

CRANDALL (looking around): Am I early?

KAY: Why, I don’t know…were you expecting the others?

All during the conversation, Hal is listening on his car radio.  You could at least have the decency to switch off the radio, Snoopy McEavesdropper.

CRANDALL: Of course!  My office received a message from Mr. Duncan that we were having a special meeting!

KAY: Did you hear that, Hal?

Of course he heard it!  “Yes—but I didn’t call any meeting,” he radios back.  “That’s funny,” muses Kay.  “It must have been…”

As if it were scripted, Regan and Cady burst into the office, guns drawn.  “Get away from that radio!” Regan barks, though it would have been funnier if he had said “I called the meeting, bitches!”

CRANDALL: What is this?

REGAN: Quiet, you!

Now Hal turns off the freaking radio.  Quick as a wink, Kay and Crandall are gagged and tied to chairs…this while our hero speeds back to the offices of the ITOA.  Regan asks Cady to “bring that cord over here,” and he places the Bulbs O’Doom in a wire “In” basket.  One end of the cord is tied to the basket and the two goons will tug on the other end, sending its contents to the uncarpeted office floor below.  (They need to be as far away from the poison gas as possible before they break.)  But look who’s just come in through the door!

A patented Republic serial fistfight breaks out between Hal and the thugs, intertwined with shots of the basket o’bulbs perilously close to falling off the desk and breaking, as the trussed-up Kay and Crandall trying to tip Hal off through muffled shouting: “Those are poison gas bulbs, you puddinghead!”  The donnybrook comes to an end when the quick-thinking Regan grabs a coat rack, attempting to hit Hal with it…and he brings it down on top of the bulb basket instead.

Cady and Regan dash out of the office, leaving Heroic Hal to grab the basket and rush it to the window, where he quickly disposes of it.  He then conveniently runs to a large fan, switching it on to air out the room.  What happens if someone on the street below inhales the poisonous fumes from the broken bulbs?  Well, that’s not Hal’s concern right now.

HAL (as he unties Kay): Was that poison gas?

Why the heck did you throw it out the window if you didn’t know what it was?  Idiota…

KAY: Yes…but I don’t know why they wanted to kill us…

HAL: They didn’t try to get any information out of you?

KAY: No, they didn’t—they didn’t even explain anything…

Well, they might have been double-parked.

HAL (untying Crandall): I’m afraid your taking over of the government trucking business was responsible for this, Mr. Crandall…

“Sure, Duncan…those two no-necks who burst into the office were completely uninvolved.”

HAL: …and they’ll keep on trying to get you out of the way…

CRANDALL (getting to his feet): I realize that…I’ll have to be more careful in the future…

HAL: Well, I’ll see that you get back to your office…I suggest you keep a bodyguard with you all the time…

CRANDALL: I intend to…

Since Project Explodiating Poisoned Glass Spheres has gone tits up…what further devious scheme is The Voice planning next?

REGAN: Crandall’s gonna be even tougher to get at…now he’s sure to be well-guarded…

VOICE: Your best chance is an attack on his home…

REGAN: He’ll have watchmen around that place day and night!

VOICE: I know, but they won’t stop you…the Armstrong company is shipping a truckload of explosives which you can hijack without any difficulty…

“I’ll furnish you with a remote control unit,” His Voiceness continues, “to install in the truck so that you can send it anywhere without a driver.”  Nifty!  And so in the next scene, we find Hal behind the wheel of his ride, shamelessly padding his mileage account when he’s contacted by Kay.

KAY: Armstrong’s truck #14 was stolen about nine last night…on Highway 25 just south of Ashbridge…

HAL: Why wasn’t it reported sooner?

KAY: Someone must’ve slipped up and forgot to notify us…

“Damn it, Kay—this is why we can’t have nice things.”  Hal reasons with his Special Government Agent brain that if they took the truck to town he’ll never find it—“but they might have taken it into the backcountry and abandoned it after they looted it.”  Of course.  Ruthless criminals do that all the time.  There is some seemingly endless footage of Hal driving, and then he finally stops the car and gets out to have a look.  As his amazing luck would have it, he stumbles onto truck tracks.

A dissolve reveals that those trucks belong to the very same vehicle swiped by Regan and Cady in order that they might install the Handy Dandy Look-Ma-No-Hands Truck Manuevacator.  Fortunately for those who pounce on leaps in logic, we do not witness Regan’s installation of the device…we’re just supposed to take it on faith that he set it up despite not even having a GED.

REGAN: There…that oughta do it…now start movin’ her backwards and forwards…

CADY: Okay…

As Regan slams the door to the cab shut, Cady runs over to a device shaped like a DVD player, only it has knobs and gauges and electronic-type gadgetry on top.  He plays with a few of the knobs and with this close-up of a primitive GPS…

…the truck moves backwards.  More knob-twisting maneuvers the truck in the opposite direction.  The two henchmen then fight over who’s going to play with the new toy next.

Okay, I’m just joking about that.  Hal apparently got back into his car and drove around until he is only a few yards away from where the two goons are playing with the remote control truck.  I’d tell Hal not to be a hero, but it’s too late.

HAL: All right, Regan…climb out of there…

Regan climbs out of the truck so as not to make any sudden moves around Duncan.  But when Hal is distracted for just a moment, Regan slams the door on him.  Somehow, this supposedly renders Hal unconscious…although to me, it merely looks as if the big bad guy caught Dunky’s pant leg in the truck door.  Cady runs over to help his buddy as Regan deposits the unconscious Hal in the truck’s front seat.

REGAN (slamming the door): He’s out cold…we’ll let him go with the explosives…

CADY: He might come to!

REGAN: Well, what’s the difference?  The controls are locked in…

“…and I don’t give a flying frog’s ass.”  The two henchies head back to their sedan, twirl a few knobs…

…and we’re off to the races!  After testing the gadget out along the countryside, Regan and Cady steer the truck toward city streets…where any number of kids could be playing and eating ice cream.  (“Ice cream, Mandrake?  Children’s ice cream?”)  Hal eventually comes to and discovers to his horror that he’s helpless to get any of the truck’s controls to respond.

The truck begins to pick up speed, faster and faster…it’s pointed right in the direction of Crandall Manor, thanks to some stock footage from the 1944 serial Captain America (Chapter 4: “Preview of Murder”)!