Doris Day(s) #27: “The Date” (04/22/69, prod. no #8507)

Is there anything positive I can say about this week’s installment of Doris Day(s), “The Date”?  Well, we shan’t have to endure the tired antics of Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton), for one thing.  But to be honest—and I really can’t believe I’m saying this, unless it’s the vodka talking—a little bit o’Leroy might have helped this episode.  Because of all the Doris Day Show episodes I’ve watched, this is probably the most painful.

Here’s the problem: when the character of Aggie Thompson (as played by Fran Ryan) was replaced early on in the show’s inaugural season, they substituted a colorless housekeeper whose only function was to act as a sounding board for Doris—there’s nothing funny about her.  Don’t get me wrong—Juanita (Naomi Stevens) is very pleasant…but again, you’d be hard pressed to say “Remember that hilarious thing she did in (episode title)?”  And that lack of a last name thing keeps bothering me—Juanita is just “Juanita”; she’s like the “Pepino” of this show.  (And I’ve just been handed a note that even he had a last name—“Garcia.”)

So I’ll try to make this week’s write-up as short as I can, since we’d have to do some major league spelunking to locate any comedy in this thing.  We start with a scene involving the Laird and Master of Webb Farms, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), as he attempts to help grandson Billy Martin (Philip Brown) with his homework.  It is mentioned in the dialogue that Billy is doing the “new math”—which only made me laugh because I immediately thought of that Tom Lehrer song.  (“Now let’s not always see the same hands…”)  Billy’s fromage-loving brother, Toby (Tod Starke), is also on hand but as usual—he’s of little help.  To help Billy with the problem, Buck prepares to cut an apple pie into sections…ferchrissake, Buck—that’s supposed to be for breakfast!

BILLY: What are using a pie for?

BUCK: You wanna ask questions or…do… (Struggling with cutting the pie) …you wanna learn?

BILLY: I want to learn!

TOBY: I want to eat!

“I like cheese!”

JUANITA: Toby, you already had dessert…

TOBY: This isn’t dessert…

“This is breakfast!”

TOBY: …I’m helping Billy with his homework…

BUCK: All right…now…here we’ve got…uh… (He glares at Toby) Seven pieces of pie…now, let’s suppose…you invite seven friends over to the house for pie…but three of them don’t eat pie…

BILLY: All my friends eat pie…

BUCK: All right…let’s make it…four friends and three strangers that don’t eat pie…now…they come over to the house…and all your friends eat pie—how many pieces you got left?

BILLY: None…

BUCK: None?

BILLY: Piggy Johnson always eats three pieces…

BUCK: Billy…if the Johnsons wanted their little boy to be called “Piggy,” they wouldn’t have named him “Harold”—would they?

BILLY: Right—but no matter what you call him, he’ll still eat three pieces of pie…

Haha, let’s all fat-shame the Johnson boy.  The Widder Martin (Doris) enters the kitchen to break up this comedy think-tank, and is dressed to the nines because presumably she has another date with the guy in whose car she left the earring.  She instructs her kidlings that it’s bedtime.

TOBY (with a mouth full of pie); We’re not finished with Billy’s homework yet…

DORIS: As far as I’m concerned, you are—now come on…into the tub and to bed…

Buck tells his daughter that he’ll handle the preparing-for-bed chores, and she kisses the little pukes goodnight as they head up the stairs.

DORIS (doing a fashion twirl): Hey!  You didn’t say one word about my new dress!

BILLY: You sure look pretty, Mom…

DORIS: Thanks!

TOBY: Yeah…and you don’t smell bad, either!

Oh, that Toby—he’s a pistol.  Juanita also takes it upon herself to compliment the boss lady because negotiations for a raise are scheduled for the end of the month.

DORIS: Hey, do you have to iron tonight?

JUANITA: Oh, I just want to get caught up…

DORIS: You worked all day!  Why don’t you relax and get your feet up and cool it?

JUANITA: Oh…I’d much rather iron than just sit around and do nothing…now don’t you think about us tonight, Chiquita—you just have a good time… (She gives Doris a hug) Have a delicious dinner by candlelight…and listen to the beautiful music…and really enjoy yourself…

“And don’t for one minute think about me and my soul-sucking existence of ironing your freaking wardrobe…I mean it, go live the life I can’t!”  Well, Doris is experiencing slight pangs of guilt as she enters the living room where her father asks (I did chuckle at this): “Hey—was there ever a kid who liked going to bed?”

BUCK: Hey…what’s the matter with you?

DORIS: Juanita…here I am going out for the evening and she’s in there ironing…

BUCK: Well, why don’t you tell her to quit?

DORIS: I did!  She says that it passes the time…she has nothing else to do…

BUCK: Oh…

“But a few stingers under my belt, and I won’t give a flying frog’s ass—don’t wait up, Pop!”  Okay, just having a bit of snark—Doris is really concerned about ‘Nita, because she can’t remember the last time she had an evening out (that would suggest that the onus is on you, Dor).

DORIS: She never has a chance to meet anybody…

BUCK: But who?

DORIS (realization sets in): Frank Gorian!

Of course!  It’s so simple, it was right there in front of us the whole time—Frank Gorian!  So who’s Frank Gorian when he’s not tending bar?  Well, he’s one of Buck’s best friends…but Buck is reticent to get involved in this “fix-up”:

DORIS: Look—it would be such a nice thing to do…

BUCK: Well, now wait a minute…now…Frank knows Juanita…if he wants to take her out, he can come up and ask her…

DORIS: You know he won’t do that—he’s so shy…

That sweet little boy who caught her eye?

DORIS: …he needs a little push…

BUCK: He’s not going to get it from me…

DORIS: Well, then he’s going to have to get it from me…

Check and mate, Uncle Jesse!  So the next day, Doris pays a visit to the establishment run by Mr. Gorian…

…Frank is played by one of the true character greats, Joe De Santis.  Joe’s cinematic oeuvre includes such TDOY movie favorites as Deadline – U.S.A. (1952), Full of Life (1956), The Case Against Brooklyn (1958), Buchanan Rides Alone (1958), I Want to Live! (1958), The Professionals (1966) and The Brotherhood (1968)…and he also made the guest star rounds on the usual TV suspects: Route 66, Naked City, The Defenders, The Fugitive, The Outer Limits, Perry Mason, Gunsmoke, Mission: Impossible, etc.  Special shout-out to De Santis for his impressive radio resume: he emoted on a goodly number of Suspense broadcasts in its twilight years, as well as Dimension X/X-Minus One, The CBS Radio Workshop, 21st Precinct and The FBI in Peace and War.

Anyway, Doris breaks the ice with a leetle joke: “Oh, I see you caught another fly with your vice—huh, Frank?”  Get it?  He’s making fishing flies in a vise.  (Well, it killed in rehearsal.)

FRANK: You didn’t come all the way down here to tell me that joke…

DORIS: No…not really…

FRANK: Good…

DORIS: Um…say, Frank…

FRANK: Mind holding this a second, Doris?

Frank wants Doris to hold a thread while he works on the fly, and in that time she starts to promote a potential coupling with he and Juanita.

DORIS: I was just thinking…boy, you really have to spend a lot of time here at the store, don’t you?

FRANK: Mm-hmm…

DORIS: Probably don’t…get out much at all, do you?

FRANK: Yeah…on weekends…

DORIS: Oh, you do?

FRANK: Mm-hmm…fishing…

DORIS: Oh…no…I meant…you know…at night…

FRANK: It’s against the law to fish at night…

Doris then tells him about a fictional conversation she had with Juanita (“Isn’t she a love?”) as to why she’s never done the town with Frank (she says he’s never asked her).  “What are you driving at?” Frank asks Doris, because he’s clearly a man who likes to cut through the B.S.

DORIS: Wouldn’t you like to…maybe take her out some night, huh?

FRANK: Nope…

DORIS: Why not?

FRANK (after a pause): Too busy…

DORIS: Well, now—you must have some free time…

FRANK: Nope…

DORIS: Don’t you ever go out?

FRANK: Nope…

DORIS (after a pause): Well…if I asked you to do me a very special favor…would you take her out?

FRANK: Yep…

DORIS (surprised): Did you say ‘yeah’?

FRANK: Yep…

DORIS: What made you change your mind?

FRANK (smiling): You asked me as a very special favor…

Ah, that Frank—he’s one of the good ones!  So it’s the night when he and Juanita are planning to paint Cotina red, and in Doris’ bedroom, she’s as nervous as a teenager on her first date:

JUANITA: How do I look, huh?

DORIS: You look fabulous…really…I love that dress on you—it’s groovy…

Far out.

BUCK (from downstairs): Juanita!  Frank’s here!

JUANITA: Doris…what’ll I do?

DORIS: You’re gonna go downstairs and say ‘Hello, Frank’…

JUANITA: Hello, Frank…

DORIS: Hello, Frank…and then maybe you’ll say ‘How are you, Frank’?

JUANITA: How are you…oh, this is ridiculous—I’m not a scared little teenager; I’m a grown woman!

And in all the right places, too.  Still, Juanita does experience a few jitters when she eventually makes her way downstairs and greets Frank.  The two of them are off to hopefully shag like minxes later on, but when Buck yells at him out the window “There’s a good movie at the drive-in, Frank!” Doris yanks him away in disgust.

A dissolve, and we find Buck creeping downstairs in his bathrobe—he stops and looks to see that it’s 12:10 by the living room clock.  He steps outside on the porch for a moment to scrutinize the neighborhood…and upon hearing a door slam shut, books it back into the kitchen and opens another door—the one belonging to the fridge.  Pulling out a pitcher of fresh Webb Farms milk, he decides to pour himself a glass to drink with his cookies…and is soon joined by daughter Doris.

BUCK: Just thought I’d have myself a midnight snack…

DORIS: I think I’ll join you…

BUCK: Speaking of midnight—where do you suppose they are?

“Probably getting it on in the bed of his pickup…”

DORIS: Out having a good time, I hope…

BUCK: Well, it’s 12:15—it’s late!

DORIS: Late?  I hope they stay out ‘til three o’clock in the morning…

BUCK: Three o’clock?

DORIS: Sure—that means they’re having a real good time…

“And then nine months later, Billy and Toby have a new adopted baby sister.”  But there will be no real good time for ‘Nita…because she comes into the kitchen shortly afterward, her womanly head filled with thoughts of the super time she had with the suave Frank.  “We talked and we drove over to Spalding,” she informs her employers, “and we went to the fair.  You know, I have never laughed so hard in my life!”  Well, not while working on this show you haven’t.  Frank has even asked her for an encore date—he wants to take her to the lodge dance Saturday.  And with that, the party girl heads for bed.

DORIS: Well—what do you think about that?

BUCK: I’ll tell you what I think…I think you’re in a lot of trouble…

DORIS: Oh…what do you mean by that?

BUCK: Well, you saw her…

DORIS: Sure, I saw her…

BUCK: She’s hearin’ weddin’ bells!  And unless I miss my guess, young lady—you just lost yourself a good housekeeper!

Nonsense, Buck—that’s not scheduled to happen until next season!  So let’s pay a few bills with some of Ralston-Purina’s money.

Act Two: Frank is in his shop, still futzing with his flies.  Buck enters, says a few words of praise for Frank’s splendid work, and then agrees to a cup of coffee (apparently he keeps a mug there for just such emergencies).  Buck takes a swig of Frank’s java, then makes a face to let us know how horrible it is.

BUCK: Well—you’re not going to have to be puttin’ up with this stuff much longer…

FRANK: What do you mean?

BUCK: You know what I mean…

“Nudge nudge…nudge nudge…know what I mean? Say no more...know what I mean?”

BUCK: Juanita makes fine coffee…

“Manizales to contribute mellowness…Medellins to add richness…other choice coffees are added for vigor…and for fine, full body, she blends in superb Bucaramangas.”  Frank agrees with Buck on Juanita’s coffee-preparing prowess because “she’s a fine woman”—and Buck adds that he and Doris couldn’t be happier.  “About Juanita’s coffee?” Frank asks.

You know what he means, you sly dog.

FRANK: Now hold on, Buck—you sound like you got Juanita and me paired up…

BUCK: Well, I just thought that…

FRANK: Look, Buck—I had a lot of fun with Juanita…

“I took a few liberties, if you know what I mean…and I think you do…”

FRANK: …we got along great…but I did was invite her to a dance…

BUCK: Well, I…uh…assumed that you were…

FRANK: You assumed wrong…

BUCK: I did?

FRANK: Yeah…invitin’ someone to a dance is a far cry from invitin’ them to a wedding, huh?

Well…unless you’re dancing at a wedding, I suppose.  No, this is not one of those cases…and Buck was a maroon for hinting that Frank and Juanita would soon be cha-cha-cha-ing down the aisle.  Back at Rancho Webb, Doris is helping the kids construct a school project (it appears to be some sort of carnival ride) with an erector set that I have to tell you looks kind of cool:

Though why the two of them would be working on the same project when they’re each in separate grades goes unexplained (the co-scribe for this episode, E. Duke Vincent, later went into TV production with shows like Melrose Place and Charmed, so that might explain why it makes no sense).  Tobias and William have asked for their mother’s help because Grandpa couldn’t make headway with the project.  “Well, I’m the only genius in the family,” Doris replies, suffering a mild sprain from patting herself on the back.  (“Yes—I am awesome!”)

But this is not about Doris, the boys and their erector expertise—Juanita is giddy as a schoolgirl preparing for her second date…when suddenly she receives a phone call from Frank.  Three guesses and the first two do not count.  Yeah, he’s blowing off the dance because he’s been scared sh*tless by Buck.  Visibly upset, she runs upstairs to…is her room upstairs?  I have no clue—this is really the first time we’ve seen her do anything but make chocolate pudding for those little mooks. Que lastima!  Buck motions to Doris that the two of them have to have a powwow away from the little pitchers with big ears.

DORIS: What’d you do now?

BUCK: I went in to see Frank this afternoon…

DORIS: And?

BUCK: Well, I…I got to kidding around about happy you and I are…

DORIS: About what?

BUCK: About him and Juanita…and…I got a feelin’ that he thought I meant more than I meant and I…

“You imbecile!  You bloated idiot!”  Buck did make me laugh when he responded to Doris’ query of “Then why didn’t you tell me that you did that?” with “Because I’m a coward.”  (“I made a boom-boom in my drawers, daughter.”)

As Doris gives us a little sideeye, the next scene finds her at Frank’s trying to repair the damage that her dumbass father caused.  She hems and haws about going about it, pretending to be interested in purchasing a flashlight and some compasses for the boys.

DORIS: Now, Frank…you’re not a child…and I suppose you can take care of yourself…

“You haven’t had any of my coffee—have you, Dor?”

DORIS: …but I think you should know something…uh…Juanita is not the marrying kind, Frank…

FRANK: She’s not?

DORIS: Uh-uh…she sure isn’t…she likes to go out and have a good time—but that is it…

“She wants to party…she wants to get down…all she wants to do is…all she wants to do is dance…and make romance.”

DORIS: She’s a confirmed bachelor lady, that’s what she is…

FRANK: Is that a fact?

DORIS: It’s a fact…

“Look—if she were interested in getting hitched, why the hell would she still be working for me?”  Having assuaged Frank’s fears that he won’t wake up one night and find that he’s across the border and married after a night of tequila, his romantic interest in Juanita continues unabated.  Buck is not quite on board with his daughter’s manipulative scheme, however.

BUCK (carrying in groceries with Doris): Well, I don’t care…I didn’t like this idea in the beginning and I think even less of it now…

DORIS: Well, it’s just too late to do anything about it now…

BUCK: What if Frank don’t call?

DORIS: Don’t be negative…

BUCK: If she finds out you trapped Frank into calling her—she’ll never forgive you…

DORIS: She’s not going to find out!

Psst!  Doris!  Behind you!

Oh, screw it—cue the sad trombone!  In tears, Juanita refuses to speak to Frank when he calls moments later, and she runs off to wherever the hell her room is.  (Furthermore, she doesn’t want to ever speak to him again.  Ever!  Technically, Doris should be getting the silent treatment—but that’s a bit tricky when she’s your employer.)  Doris gets on the phone and tells Frank that Juanita is busy and can’t come to the phone right now but “she’d love to see you,” prompting this priceless reaction from her fadduh:

Okay, if I have to spend any more time with this episode I’m going to start experiencing severe abdominal cramps, so let’s cut to the quick.  Frank, unaware that he’s as popular with Juanita as ebola (come to think of it, that might explain my cramps), arrives at the house that evening with some posies—expecting a date with his lady love.  That’s when Doris drops the bomb:

DORIS: Uh…Frank…Juanita won’t be going out with you tonight…

FRANK: What’s the matter—is she sick?

“Oh, yeah—sick at the sight of you!”  Doris explains that this situation is a result of her and her father’s bungling, especially since Juanita has learned that Doris tricked Frank into coming back for a second date.  Cheesed off, Frank gets ready to mosey—but Doris pleads with him: “Please don’t let our interfering spoil what you and Juanita found together…please talk to her.”

So Frank heads upstairs to the accompaniment of dramatic music and bangs on the door to Juanita’s room…but she will have none of his entreaties.  We don’t actually see this happen, but he threatens to break down the door and the camera is on Doris and Buck’s reaction as the sound of wood can be heard splintering—then minutes later, Frank escorts Juanita downstairs and she tells Doris and Buck not to wait up.  (I’m surprised he didn’t drag her by her hair.)  Now you can see why I wasn’t on board with this episode—Frank, who seemed like a nice guy, is reduced to creepy stalker antics.

The coda finds Doris’ progeny at the family eating nook finishing a hearty breakfast of mocha java trifle and their mom shooing them out towards the school bus—she’s so busy she promises to kiss them later!  Buck moseys into the kitchen, followed by Juanita in her bathrobe—“I’m sorry…I guess I overslept,” she explains.  (Hussy.)  She tells her employers she had a wonderful evening and that “Frank is such a gentleman”; I don’t know that many gentlemen who put their shoulders to bedroom doors and break them down, if you want the truth.

Speak of that old debbil man, Doris spots Frank outside and an embarrassed Juanita runs out so that she can change into something more appropriate.  Doris lets Frank in and he presents her with a little gift—a token of his esteem.  But don’t worry: he’s got something for Buck, too!

I think I may have set a new eye-rolling record during this one.  Okay, next time on Doris Day(s)—the final episode of the first season, a little drama entitled “The Five Dollar Bill.”  It’s certainly no classic but it does feature two old-time radio veterans who, like Joe De Santis, clearly outclass the material.  Join me next time, won’t you?