Doris Day(s) #28: “The Five Dollar Bill” (04/29/69, prod. no #8529)

Two months before the airing of the last episode in its inaugural season, The Doris Day Show was represented at the Golden Globes Awards ceremony in Los Angeles, CA with two nominations: Best TV Show and Best TV Star, Female (for the sitcom’s star, Dodo).  The Day program would lose to Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In in the first category…and Dor lost to the star of Julia, Diahann Carroll.  These would be the only accolades received by the series, by the way—it was never nominated for an Emmy in the five seasons it aired on CBS…and I think with the first season coming to a close it’s not hard to figure out why.

You can’t fault The Doris Day Show, however, for rolling the dice on Emmy glory with its first season swan song, a little opus entitled “The Five Dollar Bill.”  Its Brady Bunch-ian plot was concocted by the hard-working John McGreevey, whom we know from several episodes of Mayberry R.F.D. including one of that program’s funniest, “Driver Education.” (McGreevey also penned R.F.D.’s debut, “Andy and Helen Get Married.”)  John and The Doris Day Show would seem to be a perfect fit—other sitcoms on his c.v. include the family-oriented My Three Sons, Family Affair and Nanny and the Professor (his son Michael was in several of those Walt Disney movies where college student Kurt Russell had odd things happen to him)—but curiously, “Bill” was his sole contribution to Doris Day(s).

So let’s get started…because I think we only have the hall until 7:30 today (band practice, you know).  Our episode opens with the Widder Martin tidying up Webb Manor with a little porch sweeping as her loyal domestic Juanita (Naomi Stevens) emerges from the house with a basket of laundry to be clotheslined.  A little red-headed stepchild rides up on his bike, and we are introduced to one of Doris’ son Billy’s (Philip Brown) friends in Alfred Loomis—played by kiddie thesp Stuart Lee.  You might recognize Master Lee as one of Mike the Idiot Boy’s fair weather friends in the R.F.D. outing “Mike’s Birthday Party” (though in the picture below [at right] he had gone blonde by then).

ALFRED: Is Billy home?  I can’t find him…

DORIS: No, he’s gone fishing…

ALFRED: Oh…

DORIS: Yeah—can I help you?

ALFRED: I wanted to show him the collars I bought for our pigs…

This is the city…Cotina, California.  Being a largely rural community, one of the highlights of living in that burg is the annual state fair—and from a later conversation between Alfred and the Laird and Master of the ranch, Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle), we’ll deduce that Alf and young William will be entering a family of swine in the fair’s competition.  Doris is positively giddy at the collars that Alfred has obtained for Mama and Papa Pig, which we should probably interpret as a sign that she’s desperate to get out of Cotina…and will be taking steps to do so with Season Two.

DORIS: Well, you can leave Billy’s and I’ll see that he gets it…

ALFRED: That’s all right…I’ll give it to him later…

“I’ll give it to him later.”  Sitcom foreshadowing, my friends.  So Alfred is off and away on his bicycle—but in encountering Buck (who’s riding up on his tractor as Alf’s leaving), the two of them discuss the state fair pig project I mentioned in a previous paragraph.  When Buck is asked by the ginger-haired tyke if they stand a chance at grabbing a blue ribbon or two, Buck responds: “Listen, Alfred—I’ve been looking at hogs man and boy for nigh onto…well, you’ve got a couple of blue ribbon winners there if I ever saw.”  This line struck me as funny—only because the thought of someone who spent a good portion of their life looking at pigs is amusing to me, I guess.

DORIS: Wait until you see the jeweled collars he bought the mama and papa pig…

BUCK: Jeweled collars?  They’re not the type…

Buck tracks in whatever was on the bottom of his boots onto the porch, and Doris fusses at him because she spent the opening minutes of this episode sweeping.  But what of young William Martin, the focal point of our playlet?  We find him strolling by a lake with Nelson the Stolen Sheepdog (Lord Nelson) in a way that suggests McGreevey might have been issuing a sly satirical jab at The Andy Griffith Show.  (Though I seriously doubt it.)

But this gives us a chance to introduce the other two guest stars of “Five Dollar Bill”—the first being a familiar face, since Jerry Hausner previously played a mailman named Henry here on Doris Day(s) in the episode “The Songwriter.”  Henry has presumably moved up in the world (and has acquired a last name in “Kibbler”—and no, he’s not one of the cookie-making elves) by taking over a truck for Helms Bakeries.  Okay, I don't think it's the same character...I'm just indulging in a little Toobworld speculation.

Kibbler's customer is also a well-known face, having appeared in regular roles on such classic comedy TV shows as I Love Lucy (as Marion Strong; until her death in November of 2013 she was the last living adult cast member of that iconic sitcom), Bachelor Father, Pete and Gladys, Petticoat Junction and Please Don’t Eat the Daisies.  Shirley Mitchell’s voice was undoubtedly her ticket to fame and fortune, appearing regularly on such radio programs as Fibber McGee & Molly (as Alice Darling), Amos ‘n’ Andy, Joan Davis Time, The Life of Riley and Honest Harold.  Mitchell’s kittenish Southern drawl became legendary on The Great Gildersleeve, where she played Gildy’s on-again, off-again girlfriend Leila Ransom (“Thrawk-mahhhhtin…”).  (From Savannah, no less.)

Shirl joins us in this episode as Mrs. Loomis—the mother of the darling child we met moments ago.  She is attempting to make a purchase from baker Kibbler but her yippy-yap poodle Gigi, being held prisoner in her automobile, won’t shut the hell up.  (You don’t suppose the presence of Lord Nelson has anything to do with this, do you?)  “I just don’t understand,” complains Mrs. Loomis, “she’s always so well-behaved in obedience school.”  Gigi’s non-stop noise is a distraction for Mrs. L, who drops her packages as she’s heading back to the car.  Fortunately, the ever-gallant Billy is there to assist her and Mrs. Loomis continues on her way.  “You know,” observes Kibbler, “that dog understands the language well enough to ignore her completely.”

KIBBLER: Well, Billy—what’s it gonna be?  How about a nice loaf of bread to go with that string of fish you got there?

BILLY (chuckling): Oh…I’d like a jelly doughnut…

KIBBLER: Very good choice…one jelly doughnut coming right up!

Billy, if you’re going to be eating jelly doughnuts you’re just going to spoil your appetite for dinner—Juanita’s preparing butterscotch trifle garnished with pralines.  As Billy tucks into his doughnut, he notices that the careless Mrs. Loomis dropped something else along with her packages:

BILLY: Mr. Kibbler—look!

KIBBLER: She must’ve dropped that when she was jugglin’ all of them packages…

BILLY: What should we do with it?

KIBBLER: Well, I haven’t got time to go chasin’ after her now…

Yeah, you really look swamped with that bakery concession there, dude.

BILLY: I could have my mom call Mrs. Loomis…tell her we got her wallet…

KIBBLER: Hey, that’s the ticket—why don’t you do that!

BILLY: All right…

KIBBLER: And Billy…here…have another jelly doughnut…

BILLY: Well…

And then Billy climbed into Kibbler’s van and was never seen again.  No, I’m jumping the gun here—Billy doesn’t vanish from this series until Season 4.  Kibbler assures him the jelly-crammed sinker is on the house, on account of his good manners and fine citizenship and honesty and all that rot.  Billy races off with Nelson, and in a dissolve we find Doris talking to Mrs. Loomis on the phone as Billy and his cheese-loving young brother Toby (Tod Starke) watch from the stairs.  Doris lets Mrs. L know that they have the wallet, and “there’ll be someone here all day” because Jeebus knows Juanita’s not going to be stepping out again too soon.

DORIS: She said to be sure and thank that (imitating Mrs. Loomis’ enthusiasm) dear little boy…

BILLY: Who, me?

DORIS: She couldn’t mean you…

TOBY: I hope she gives you a big reward!  Maybe a thousand dollars!

DORIS: Now wait a minute, you guys—A, you might not get a reward and B, it’s not the all-important thing…

Buck comes in through the kitchen’s back door and asks Billy if he got any fish.  The young man’s reply is “No—but I brought home something better.”  Now—we need to pay attention to this because we will come back to it soon (Kibbler’s joke about Billy’s “string of fish” was just that…and a weak one to boot).  When Buck asks for further explanation, Billy remains coy—but he does want to know if Buck is going into town later that afternoon.  His grandfather assures him he is, and when he asks why Billy wants to go along with him he’s told “It’s a secret.”

DORIS: Secret?

Sure, Dor… you know: “Once I had a secret love…”  Buck reminds her that “That’s the best part of growin’ up.”  (The secret, not the love.)  Then he gets apoplectic because in preparing a salad (don’t ask me who plans to eat that—surely no one in that family) Doris has left celery in the garbage disposal.  He continues to piss and moan until Doris deals with it in her own inimitable fashion:

Haha, “stuff a towel in it, old man.”  There’s a dissolve, and we find Doris entertaining Mrs. Loomis with some tea and goodies as the two of them bemoan the fact that they’ve not gotten better acquainted in the time that the Loomises came to Cotina.  “There don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to,” laments Mrs. Loomis.  (You live in Cotina, ferchrissake—what could possibly occupy all that time?)

JUANITA: Cake?

LOOMIS: Oh…I shouldn’t, but I will…

DORIS: Juanita’s cake is long on flavor—and short on calories…right?

JUANITA: You’re absolutely right!

DORIS: That’s what we keep telling ourselves, anyway…

Delusional Doris and Mrs. Loomis continue their conversation as Juanita is sent forth to fetch young William; Mrs. L lauds much praise on Doris for being able to do it all as a widow where her two boys are concerned (she does have a housekeeper, you know).  “I have to depend on my husband to handle our Alfred,” Loomis confesses.  Doris assures her that Alfred is very well-behaved…something that kind of surprises her guest.  Enter Billy.

LOOMIS: I just want to tell you how grateful I am to you…and I want to thank you for finding my wallet and returning it…

BILLY: You’re welcome…

LOOMIS: And you deserve a reward…

BILLY (after getting The Look from Doris): You don’t need to give me a reward, Mrs. Loomis…

LOOMIS: Just a little something to show my appreciation…

Mrs. Loomis opens up her billfold to count out the appreciation…and then stops suddenly.

DORIS: What’s the matter?

LOOMIS: A five dollar bill is missing…

Dun-dun-DUN!!!!

BILLY: Gee…I don’t know what could have happened to it, Mom…I brung it straight home to you…

DORIS: Maybe you miscounted?

LOOMIS: No…I didn’t miscount…

DORIS: Well, now…maybe you did…uh…don’t you think that you should just, you know, count it again and make sure?

LOOMIS: Five dollars is missing…Billy?

DORIS: Mrs. Loomis—what are you inferring?

That your kid boosted half a sawbuck from her wallet, Dor—I thought that was pretty freaking obvious.  After saying to Billy “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just confessed and get the whole thing over with?” Mrs. Loomis continues to insist that she started out that morning with three dead Lincolns—she gave Kibbler a fiver for her groceries (which came to a $1.85) and so she should have two fives and three ones left.  She’s missing an Abe, and it’s becoming increasingly clear to her that sticky-fingered little puke swiped it.  But Billy swears to Doris that he didn’t even open the wallet; he just brought it straight home to her.  The conversation is interrupted by a car horn outside.

BILLY: That’s Grandpa… (He starts to leave)

LOOMIS: You’re not going anywhere until we straighten this thing out… (To Doris) Why don’t you just get him to admit that he took the money?

DORIS: Mrs. Loomis…you’re pressing…go on, Billy dear…

“I realize that a mother wants to think only the best of her children,” Loomis continues after Billy has made tracks for outside.  “But sometimes blind faith can be very damaging!”  With this, she’s up off the couch and headed for the door—even though Doris is arguing that while she does have faith in Billy it’s not of the blind variety.  (“Trust me—that kid is too stupid to steal!”)  As she heads out the front door, Mrs. Loomis delivers the Coop de Gracie: “But by refusing to face facts, you’re guilty of harboring a juvenile delinquent!’

Doris side-eye!  Look, I can understand Mrs. Loomis’ skepticism—Shirley Mitchell played “Marge Thornton” on Please Don’t Eat the Daisies and she’s probably all-too-aware of Doris’ involvement in the Ladadog-swiping incident.

There is a passage of time with a dissolve, and Buck and the boys have arrived home just in time for supper (plum tart and chocolate marble sheet cake!).  But before the devouring of victuals commences, Billy tells Dor that he has a surprise for her from both he and Fromage Boy.  “Did you know about this?” asks Doris of Buck as the family hired hand, Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) hauls in the groceries.

“No—when we got to town, they just went off by themselves…and come back lookin’ like two chipmunks in a crisper,” is Buck’s reply.  (I gotta tell you—I think Buck is edging out Dan Rather in the WTF country-fried expressions race.)  Doris opens the gift to reveal a snazzy belt for her voluminous wardrobe.

BUCK: Hey—where’d you guys ever save up enough money to get something like that?

DORIS: It must have taken you months!

TOBY: It would have…but Billy got five dollars today!

Cue the sad trombone!  Around the playground, Doris’ youngest son is affectionately known as “Toby the Snitch”—which explains why he’s seen more of the girls’ locker room than the inside of a classroom.

DORIS: Five dollars?

BUCK: Five dollars?

DORIS: Billy…you found five dollars today?

TOBY: He didn’t find it…

As the adults in the room exchange worried glances, a disquieting silence falls over the room.  Finally Billy speaks.  “What are you looking at me for?” he asks, and then realization sets in.  “The five dollars—you think it’s Mrs. Loomis’!”  He then runs upstairs to the safety of his bedroom as we ring down the curtain on Act One.

Back from commercial, Act Two finds Doris following her son into his room because he’s got a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.  She wants to believe that he didn’t filch the Loomis funds but you gotta admit—he looks good for the job.

DORIS: When you told me this afternoon that you did not take the money out of that wallet…I believed you…

BILLY: It was the truth—I didn’t take Mrs. Loomis’ money…honest, Mom!

DORIS: Well, then where did you get the five dollars?

BILLY: I caught a trout…and a man gave me five dollars for it…he had a bet with another friend, and he’s going to win it with my fish…I told Toby but I didn’t tell you ‘cause I wanted the belt to be a surprise…

DORIS: Is that the truth?

BILLY: Mm-hmm…

DORIS: Okay…that’s good enough for me… (She gives him a hug)

I don’t know, Dor—that tale sounds a bit fishy to me.  (Oh, I slay myself sometimes.)  Okay, rotten pun aside—why did he tell his grandfather he hadn’t caught any fish?  Look—all we have to do is put this little jamoke in the sweatbox with Briscoe and Curtis and they’ll get a confession out of him before the closing credits play Que Será, Será.  (Sorry about that…my mother’s on another Law & Order binge, and I think I’ve picked it up by osmosis.)

In the scene that follows, Doris is seated in a chair on the front porch poring through the newspaper while her pop snoozes in the porch swing.  Truth be told, I’m a little perplexed as to how this scene survived the syndication scissors: Doris reads out loud an article that she thinks is funny, and then Handyman Leroy walks up to announce he’s going into town and does Miz Martin want anything?  Buck growls at Leroy for waking him, and Doris observes that her father is a real angerbear this afternoon.  I guess since all this leads up to a sad and dejected Billy entering the scene they felt there wasn’t much to cut.

DORIS: I thought you were working on your pig project…?

BILLY: We were…

DORIS: Well, how come you’re home so early?

BILLY: Mrs. Loomis sent me home…

DORIS: Oh, she did?

BUCK: Why did she do that?

BILLY: She said she doesn’t want me associating with Alfred…

Well, can you blame the woman for not wanting her son to fall in with bad companions—especially since his ma is a canine klepto and his best bud has an alibi you could drive a tractor through?  “Something’s got to be done about that woman, and right now,” declares Doris—especially since this state fair deal is a two-man project, and if Billy and Alfred can’t work together the competition will be scotched.  (Furthermore, the entries are already closed so Billy can’t enter “Herman” as a solo artist.)

“I’d better have me a talk with one Mrs. Loomis,” Buck states with finality…but Doris tells him not to bother, because “you won’t get a word in.”  Dor decides a walk around Myers Lake (well, it looks like the same set) is in order in order to defuse her anger and put her in a happy place.  Unfortunately, she’s taken Toby the Tattler along…and I would think that would be an anathema to obtaining a positive vibe.  Toby asks his ma if she’ll play catch with him.

DORIS: Say—is that a new glove?

TOBY: Uh-huh…

DORIS: Where’d you get it?

TOBY: Yesterday…Alfred Loomis gave it to me…

Oh ho!  The thot plickens!

DORIS: Alfred?  Why, that looks brand new…

TOBY: It is!  He bought it at Frank Gorian’s store…

In case you couldn’t join us last week, we met Frank Gorian (played by character great Joe De Santis) in the Doris Day(s) presentation of “The Date.”

DORIS: Toby…why would Alfred buy you a baseball glove?

TOBY: He wants me to be his friend!

DORIS: Toby…we don’t buy friends…

“We just rent them.”

DORIS: …now you know that, don’t you?

TOBY: Uh-huh…but maybe Alfred doesn’t…

Toby’s going to be quite chummy with the cops later on in his chosen career of informer, I’m guessing.  Further interrogation of the little stoolie reveals that Alfred the Plunger does this for all the kids—footing the bills for candy, ice cream, sodas, etc.  And since this would run into quite a bit of spending money (since Li’l Alfred wants to be a friend to all the kids, it’s a given his lunch money shakedowns are a bust) Doris has put the pieces together.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch (I was wondering when I would get a chance to say that!), Good Time Alfred comes around on his bike asking if Billy is available (Doris asks him if his mom knows he’s over here and Alfred replies “no ma’am”)…

ALFRED: Is it all right if I go see Billy now, Mrs. Martin?

DORIS: Well, in a minute, Alfred…sit down…I just want to ask you something…I’m curious…why do you…buy presents for all the…boys and girls, Alfred?

“Toby!  That little fink…he’s a dead man, I tell ya!  Dead man!”

ALFRED: I don’t know…

DORIS: Is it because…maybe you want them to…uh…like you better?  (Alfred shrugs) Because Toby and Billy like you anyway, you know?  They like you for what you are…not for what you give them…

Doris goes on to lecture the little crook on the benefits of friendship, and how it’s important not to do anything to hurt his pals.  Alfred is a little uncomfortable with this conversation, and keeps asking “Can I see Billy now?” in the same manner as the perps on Law & Order ask for their lawyer.  Doris refuses Alfred’s requests, explaining that Billy isn’t feeling well—he’s not illness-sick, but sick with disappointment.

DORIS: Well, I guess you know that…um…Billy found a wallet that your mother lost…and…when she came here to get it, Alfred…there was a five dollar bill missing…and your mother thinks that Billy took it…and it made him feel very sick…

Girlfriend, you are lying your ass off.  “He didn’t take it!” Alfred chimes in, and it’s all over but the booking and fingerprinting, boys and girls.  “If the person who really took the money confessed,” he continues, “I guess he’d be punished—wouldn’t he?”  Oh, I think you can take that to the bank, Alfred me boyo.  Two terms of fifteen years in your room, no meals or TV…to be served consecutively.  (Damn it, Mom…)

DORIS: Probably…but if this person were really a friend…he’d take his punishment…to protect an innocent friend…

ALFRED: Do you think they’d still be friends after that?

DORIS: Oh, I know they would…better than ever…

Well, now that Doris has packed Alfred’s suitcases for a guilt trip, he announces that he’d better be a-moseying home with “If I see this person, I’ll tell him what you said.”  (Part of me wants to believe that he’s been yanking Dor’s chain the entire time…but I’ve seen too many of these shows to know that’s simply a flight of fantasy.)  Since it’s all over but the shouting (and I can hear the oboes getting a little impatient), we’ll skip over a conversation between Doris and Buck (it’s mostly “that-poor-kid-he-gets-no-love-from-his-mother” argle bargle) and cut to Mrs. Loomis’ arrival at Rancho Webb, where she’s about to tuck into a large meal of crow.  (On the bright side—there’s homemade humble pie for dessert!)

LOOMIS: It took an awful lot of courage to come here… (After a pause) I’m so embarrassed the way I talked to you and Billy the other day that I hardly know where to begin…you see, a little while ago…Alfred came and told me the truth…that it was he who took the money from my wallet…he said he couldn’t let me go on blaming Billy for something he’d done…apparently Alfred has been taking money for some time…and I’ve just been so busy I hadn’t noticed…and there I was accusing Billy and patronizing you…telling you how to be a fit mother…I just hope that you and Billy can please forgive me…

Doris is too kind and decent to do an “I-told-you-so” dance so she essentially says “fuhgeddaboudit”…but for some odd reason, they don’t have Mrs. Loomis express a mea culpa in front of Billy (she simply asks Doris to explain it to him).  I think that kind of bites, because it’s a teensy bit cowardly (we must not demonstrate to kids that their elders are vulnerable and prone to the same foibles present in every human being).  “I don’t know what we’re going to do about Alfred,” Mrs. Loomis continues.  (He’ll make lots of friends in juvie if you remember to send him money regularly for cigarettes, Mrs. L.)  “How have we failed him—we buy him everything he wants…everything…all he had to do is ask!”

“Maybe what Alfred needs, Mrs. Loomis…can’t be bought,” replies Doris softly.  Oh, Dor…how can any of us hope to compete with your innate goodness?  But Doris stresses that because Alfred did find the stones to confess he rooked the money, it’s a promising step for the Loomis family and they can begin to love him and hug him and pet him and squeeze him and call him George.  (And hey—there’s always Gigi’s obedience school.)  Mrs. Loomis has to be on her way, and once she leaves Doris races upstairs to tell Billy (and maybe do an end zone dance).

I’m going to skip the coda because I’m getting The Look from the band director.  The Martin and Loomises (Loomi?) have kissed and made up and their kids are off for the state fair with their pig project…even though Buck is grousing about those damn collars they’re going to make them wear.  And as a famous pig once said: “Th-th-th-that’s all, folks!”

Next time on Doris Day(s)—it’s a new season!  New credits!  New environs!  New cast members!  (Adios, Juanita and Leroy…well, for the time being, anyway.)  And a new career for our heroine in the aptly-titled “Doris Gets a Job”…so we invite you back to this same locality to have a heapin’ helpin’ of TDOY hospitality.  G’bye now!