When I first started Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s Doris Day(s) project back in June of 2013, I occasionally “skipped ahead in the reading” by watching episodes from future seasons—the explanation for which escapes me at the moment, though I’d probably plead temporary insanity if the case ever went to trial. Some of the future installments were so unmemorable that when I now look at the titles I think “I don’t remember if this was a good one or bad one…better mark it as a bad one to be on the safe side.” I can say without fear of correction that today’s episode, “The Woman Hater,” is one of these terrible episodes.
The curtain on Act One rises to reveal Michael “Nick”
Nicholson (McLean Stevenson), editor of Today’s
World (The NOW Magazine), who seems to be in stirringly good spirits
after a phone conversation with someone will meet in a few minutes. His Gal Friday, the Widder Martin (Doris),
enters Nick’s office just as he is completing his talk.
NICK: Rhinehart’s come up with a great new title for the article—“Women: the Unnecessary Sex”…
Jezebel needs to hire this guy—stat! Needless to say, Dor
is not on board with this radical kind of journamalism—“That’s very funny” is
all she can manage to say.
NICK: Well, you have to admit a lot
of what he says is true…
DORIS (disapprovingly): Look, I
don’t mind him taking a poke at us once in a while—but he really overdoes it…and you know
it…
NICK: He really bothers you, doesn’t he?
I mean, he gets to you…
DORIS: Let’s put it this way,
sir…if I were marooned on a desert island…I’d prefer a coconut to him…
“That’s exactly why women read him! They hate
him—but they read him!” Nicholson
exclaims, pleased that he was one of the pioneers in what the Internets crowd
refer to as “trolling.” Incidentally,
Doris isn’t kidding about that desert island scenario; she was once in a
similar situation in Move Over, Darling
(1963)…except she hooked up with Chuck Connors rather than getting intimate with
any of the vegetation.
DORIS: Naturally! I buy a copy myself just for the privilege of
tearing it up!
Dodo must have been absent the day they had the discussion
on “boycotts” in her high school History class.
NICK: You really don’t like him, huh?
DORIS (deliberately):
No…I…don’t…it’s nothing personal…I don’t know
him…but I’ll just bet you he is the most conceited, egotistical, opinionated…
NICK (interrupting): Would you like to meet him?
DORIS: Meet him? I wouldn’t meet
him if he were the last man on earth!
And with a quick cut, we find Doris in the hotel room of Alex Rhinehart…who seems strangely calm for the last man on earth. Since Doris isn’t too anxious to meet him, perhaps we should introduce this week’s guest star.
Doris introduces herself and tells Rhinehart she’s there to
pick up the revisions for his article, and he invites her to take a seat while
he reads an example of his journamalistic brilliance:
ALEX: “…and though it is your money…earned by the sweat of your brow…they not only spend it happily
on themselves for luxuries…but
begrudge spending any of your own money on yourself even for the necessities of
life…such as a pistol to shoot yourself with when the whole awful involvement
becomes more than a sensitive human being can bear…”
I think if I conducted a whip-round on the blog we could raise the fundage for that pistol, Alex old sock. Rhinehart’s brilliant prose—“Ladies love to shop…amirite, fellas?”—produces a predictable side-eye from Doris…but his words also cause her to twist her beaded necklace in anger and frustration until she snaps it and the beads go spilling to the floor.
ALEX: Ah, no…I can do better than that…it just doesn’t have enough bite… (Noticing that Doris is on the floor) Oh…you’ve got a lovely face…it’s a shame you’re so short…tell me—do you usually go around strange hotel rooms on your hands and knees?
DORIS: Only when my beads break…
ALEX: Thank goodness…I loathe seeing a beautiful woman with
poor posture…
He helps Doris gather her beads as the conversation
continues. “I’m surprised it would
matter to you,” Doris remarks with thinly disguised contempt.
ALEX: Oh, but it does…I admire a beautiful woman…much as I would
a…graceful lioness…appreciating the
beauty of each while…not really caring to share
a cage with either…
DORIS: I think we’ve got them all
now…
ALEX: Well, keep looking…four more
beads and we can buy Manhattan…
DORIS: Do you really hate women as much as you say you do?
And sadly…those are Doris’ last words, because Rhinehart
proves indeed he does by strangling her and carrying her lifeless body down the
hall, dumping it down the hotel’s laundry chute. No—I’m just kidding about that; Rhinehart
maintains that as a writer he only composes what he sincerely believes. Doris, on the other hand, has seen through
his cynicism and argues that he only does it for shock value…”and the money.” Getting up off the floor, Alex realizes that
he’s done his back in…so Doris offers to fix it for him, as she often has to do
with her father, Laird Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle).
DORIS: How’s that?
ALEX: You have any glue? I think I heard something break…
DORIS: Come on—move around a little bit…
ALEX (taking a walk around the
room): You did it!
DORIS: Of course!
O ye of little faith—she’s Doris Freaking Day, my man! “Well, that’s amazing,” he gushes. “Amazing—a creature with beauty, intelligence…and the hands of a karate expert.” Why does this assclown keep calling Dor a “creature” as if she just climbed off a slab in some laboratory?
Things start to get a bit awkward after this. Doris insists on taking the revisions back to
Nicholson despite Rhinehart’s dissatisfaction with that last part of written chauvinism. He suggests the two of them take a walk so he
can have a few minutes away from the typewriter: “I’ll even let you state your
case for womanhood!” Your generosity
knows no bounds, kind sir.
I’m going to skip over most of this next section because a)
most of it consists of grunting from Rhinehart…which is pretty much what you’d
expect from a pig, and b) Doris starts to act a bit sappy in his presence
despite his terribleness. Many Doris
Day Show fans were pleased that the minds behind the show transplanted
their heroine to city environs beginning with the second season (in the third
season, she even moves there with her kids) since that meant she would be
exposed to more possibilities in the romantical department. I can’t argue that they don’t have a point, considering
her past conquests included Ubbie
Puckum and that
Air Force wanker…besides, TV already had a nun (and this one could even fly!)
on the airwaves at the time.
The two of them sit on a park bench, eating peanuts (they even feed a squirrel at one point)—with Rhinehart admiring the fact that The Widder Martin has a sense of humor, since “very few have” in his expert opinion. “Most of us lose it,” responds Doris, “having to put up with men like you.” (Ya burnt, Rhinehart!)
After a ceaseless sequence of lame philosophical banter
between the two of them, we are whisked back to the Today’s World offices: Nick asks Doris if Alex has dropped
by with the revisions yet. Doris replies
that he’s due in any moment now, and she’s instructed to show him when he
does. As she visits with office gossip
Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie), a young office lackey named Dave (Johnnie Collins
III) brings in a gi-normous rose bouquet, and Doris thanks him profusely. Note: this is not the same Dave the Lackey we
saw previously in “A
Frog Called Harold,” since he was played by a different actor. I would imagine having two Daves at the
magazine would make things a tad confusing.
(Though Bruce McCullough might be able to get a song out of it.)
DORIS: I was only thanking you for
bringing them in, Dave…
Plonker.
DORIS: Who would be sending me flowers? (She opens the card) Alex Rhinehart!
MYRNA: Now, be careful…there might
be a bee enclosed…
DAVE: Myrna, I got the impression your boss is looking for you…
MYRNA: Why? What did he say?
DAVE: If I saw you to ask if you’d
mind dropping by and visiting him for
a while…
MYRNA: Oh, I don’t mind—ask him
what his visiting hours are…
This will be kind of a thing on The Doris Day Show—Myrna
loves to while away the working hours by chatting things up with Doris…much to
the dismay of her boss, assistant
editor Ron Harvey (Paul Smith). Dave,
apparently not the sharpest pencil in the office desk drawer, runs off to tell
Harvey this but Myrna stops him and assures him she’s on her way.
DORIS (admiring the flowers):
Aren’t they lovely!
MYRNA: Okay…come on…what’s the card
say?
DORIS (pulling it away from Myrna):
Get out of here!
MYRNA: Come on…
DORIS: I’ll tell you…
MYRNA: All right…
DORIS (reads): “To the loveliest
exception…”
MYRNA: Hmm…
DORIS: Oh, it says “over”… (Turning
the card over) “P.S. Enclosed find one we missed…” (She opens up an envelope
and holds up a bead)
MYRNA: I’m not even going to ask
you how your beads got broken…even if
it kills me…
Doris also greets Rhinehart, which tips Myrna off to the
man’s identity—she mouths words of approval to her pal as she skitters out of
the office. Doris thanks Alex for
dropping a bundle on the poses, and he shifts into suave mode: “A quote from a
minor Persian poet: ‘Even the loveliest rose pales where your beauty glows.’” (I’ll bet he read that off a restaurant
placemat somewhere.)
“Now why don’t you write things like that!” she teases him.
Rhinehart parries with “I’d starve to death” and then, having brought up
the subject of strapping on the ol’ feedbag, wants to know the direction to
Rancho Webb because he’d like to take Dodo to dinner that evening.
DORIS (sweetly): Oh…
ALEX: We’ll talk about it later…
DORIS: Okay…oh, and thanks for the
pearl…
Rhinehart ducks into Nicholson’s office, and exits in the
blink of an eyeball. He presses Doris on
the dinner invite, and warns that if she doesn’t accept “I’ll sit down at my
typewriter and write nasty things about women all evening.” “Yeah—when you see how much I eat you’re
liable to do that anyway,” Doris grins.
Awwww…Doris has a date! Her
stroll along Cloud Nine comes to an abrupt halt when Nick buzzes her on the
intercom and requests her presence in his office. You know it’s serious when he calls her “Mrs.
Martin” and remarks “don’t bother to bring your notebook!”
NICK: Mrs. Martin…?
DORIS: Yes, sir?
NICK: What happened between you and Rhinehart this morning?
“Oh, come now…a lady never reveals those details…”
DORIS: Well…nothing, sir…I mean…I went over there as you told me to do…and when
I got there…he hadn’t finished the article…and then he thought…well, then my beads broke…and then he thought that
maybe we should have a walk…which we did…and…well…I thought we got along rather
well…
NICK: Oh, yes…I know you two got along very well…
“Know what I mean…nudge nudge?”
DORIS: I beg your pardon, sir…?
NICK: So well…that because of you…he’s changed his mind about women
and won’t allow us to print his
article!
Sweet honey bee of infinity! Doris’ legendary powers of sweetness and light have transformed a loathsome misogynist into a kind, thoughtful member of the human race! Or have they? Doris is convinced that Nicholson is kidding…until in his anger he snaps a pencil in two. (He’s not kidding, Dodo.)
The scene shifts to the living room at Webb Manor. Doris is frantic to come up with a solution
to this problem, since it could mean saying goodbye to her Today’s World job and returning to her stifling bucolic
existence on the ranch…and the possible homecoming of Leroy B. Semple
Simpson (James Hampton), which would make a number of the TDOY regulars (both of you) a bit unhappy.
BUCK: Now, wait just a minute…just settle down…the job isn’t that
important—we’re pretty self-sufficient around here, and if you lose the job…so
what?
DORIS: But I love it!
BUCK: Well…then we gotta think of
somethin’…
Doris’ progeny—young William (Philip Brown) and the younger
Tobias (Tod Starke)—tell their mother that they could perhaps find jobs to help
her out (Billy says he could lie and tell them he’s 17), and while she’s
touched by their thoughtfulness she instructs them to wash up for dinner
(raspberry tart…without so much rat in it).
BILLY (to Toby): What kind of a job
could you get?
TOBY: Well—could you get a job?
BILLY: Sure!
TOBY: Then I could be your helper!
Game, set and match, Billy boy! Doris does a bit more pacing in the living room…and then snaps her fingers in triumph! Sure she represents the forces of goodness, but she can be pretty diabolical when she wants to be...and she wants to be. She phones Alex at his hotel and tells him not to bother driving out to pick her up—she’ll meet him at the restaurant, and he’s taking her to La Petite Maison (French for “the little house”), so be there at 8:30. “Something tells me I just heard a trap being baited,” observes Buck as Doris hangs up the phone.
“Yeah…but he’s a pretty smart little mouse,” she informs her
father. “Let’s just hope he takes the
cheese.” (I was very much surprised that
Toby didn’t come bounding down the stairs at that remark.)
“The Woman Hater”—Part the Second. Here’s the skinny: Doris’ nefarious scheme is
to make herself the least desirable woman in the world so that Alex Rhinehart
will revert to his Neanderthal ways. She
arrives at the restaurant late (9:10), and calls out “Yoo hoo!” in a voice loud
enough to be heard in Portland. Her
tardiness is on account of a neighbor, “Mrs. Steinbater”: “All she does is talk
talk talk talk talk talk talk,” she explains without a whiff of irony.
ALEX: Would you like a drink, Doris?
DORIS: Oh, I’d love one! Oh…what are you having?
ALEX: Scotch on the rocks…
DORIS: I’ll have that!
She continues to prattle on about Mrs. S, then diverts to a
pillow fight involving Billy and Toby.
Then she gets the attention of the bartender (Julius Johnson),
previously addressed as “Tony” by Alex before Doris’ arrival at the restaurant.
DORIS: Oh, bartender—would you make
that with ginger ale, please?
ALEX: A fourteen-year-old Scotch with ginger ale?
DORIS: Not good, huh? (Alex nods disapproval) You’re
right…bartender…make that with cola
instead…
In addition to her crass, common ways (Doris wants Alex to point out any potential celebrities so she can get autographs), our heroine is chomping on a piece of gum—and even offers her date a piece. “It’s terrific—it’s wild boysenberry…and it really holds flavor.” When Tony the bartender arrives with her drink, Doris removes the piece she’s been chewing out of her mouth and, placing it in a small bit of cocktail napkin, rolls it into a ball and tosses it at a trash basket apparently behind the bar.
ALEX: Well…as they say in the
little duchy of Luxembourg…
DORIS (interrupting): Bottoms up!
Sampling her drink, Doris is not pleased. “I think the Scotch spoils it,” is her verdict.
“Well, Scotch has a habit of doing that to cola,” replies Alex.
Doris, in explaining she doesn’t care for alcohol (“It makes
me nauseous”), goes on to tell a story about a guy named Bertram she once dated—she
remembers he was a shoe salesman because he sold her a pair that “killed
me.” “I had such a corn on my little toe
so that I couldn’t walk for two weeks!”
Fortunately for Alex, their headwaiter Claude (Luis de Córdova) has
arrived to show them to their table.
Doris is stoked, because she’s heard the food is excellent—“Of course,
they say it’s overpriced.”
If you’re familiar with an I Love Lucy episode entitled “Lucy Chases Her Mind” (03/30/53), Doris’ ensuing shenanigans will seem a little Deja vu (she was starting to morph into a Lucy clone by the second season anyway)—after she’s shown a table, she insists on changing her seating in the restaurant two or three more times, and then, looking at the menu, she can’t quite agree on what she’ll have. She orders Veal Alphonse before switching to Duck a l’Orange…
CLAUDE: Well, Madame…it’s
excellent!
DORIS: Well, I think duck is greasy…isn’t it? I’d better not…no…I’d better not…uh-huh…well,
here we go again… (Looking over the menu) I’m sorry…I just…you know, in these
fancy restaurants with these big menus I just don’t know what to order… (Laughing) Oh, boy—I go to a hamburger joint, I know what to order…no problem…hey, do you have hamburgers?
CLAUDE: Oui…only we call it
‘Beefsteak Americain au Champignon”…
DORIS: Oh…well, whatever it is,
I’ll have it…
CLAUDE: Very good…
DORIS: With French fried potatoes… (Claude gives her a look, and she turns to
Alex) I just figure we’re in a French
restaurant, they should have good French
fries… (She cackles with laughter)
CLAUDE (writing): Beefsteak
Americain au Champignon… (Shaking his head in disgust) With French fried
potatoes…
DORIS: Right! Got that?
Oh—don’t forget the ketchup!
Doris’ transformation into the type of woman you would usually
meet right around closing time has not gone unnoticed by Alex; she explains
that she was initially shy around him but now she’s gotten to know him better
she’s free to be more open. She also
explains that Toby the Cheese-Eater is shy, and then segues into a discussion
as to why it’s difficult keeping kids in shoes.
Finally, before Alex can dine-and-dash (leaving Dor to pay the bill),
Claude returns to offer coffee.
Additionally, Alex suggests a peach flambeau to cleanse the palate…but
Doris is hardly a novice in the ways of dessert:
DORIS: Did I hear dessert? Did I hear you say dessert? Oh, that’s my specialty…
You ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie, Miz Kappelhoff.
DORIS: Do you mind? Well, first of all—you take a scoop of
chocolate ice cream…and a scoop of vanilla ice…I think you better write it
down…
CLAUDE: It won’t be necessary, Madame…
DORIS: Oh…you have a good memory,
huh? (Claude shoots her a look) Cute…well, first you take a scoop of chocolate
and a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of strawberry…and on the chocolate goes the
strawberry topping…and on the strawberry
goes the chocolate topping…see, you
reverse those two…then on the vanilla goes the pineapple…then on top of that goes hot marshmallow sauce…
ALEX (looking nauseous): Claude…I
think I’ll stay with the peach flambeau…
Doris continues to gab and gab and gab until, looking at his
watch, Alex alerts her that it’s 1:30 in the a.m. The two of them bid a sleeping Claude
fare-thee-well (“He’s not very alert for a headwaiter—is her?” asks Dor) as
Doris is shown to her car, driven up to the front of the restaurant by a
valet. She had simply the most marvy
time, and hopes to do it again real soon with Rhinehart.
ALEX: Oh…oh…Mrs. Martin—if they ever give an Oscar for the best performance in a restaurant…you can count on my vote…
DORIS: Thank you, Alex—that’s very
sweet… (Pause) What?
ALEX: Well, your whole
characterization was so authentic…right down to the…gum chewing…
DORIS: You knew? You knew it all the
time? Oh…Alex Rhinehart…why didn’t you say something? I’m exhausted! And my jaw!
ALEX: You’re exhausted? You almost
talked me into a coma!
Doris then explains that the whole ruse was desperation on
her part to “get you back to normal.” “I
mean, hating women,” she adds. Alex
agrees to let Today’s World
publish his article…provided they also publish his follow-up, “Women are Here
to Stay.” (Oh, the circulation is
destined to plummet after that, I’m sure.)
“I may have to come to you for a lot of help,” he confesses.
“Well,” Doris finishes, “I’m at your service…” (Jackpot!)
And she’ll be “as quiet as a mouse”—which is her cue to lean on the car
horn, and the resulting noise won’t stop.
(Oh, Doris…)
Nick then suspects the truth—Doris went out with Alex. She confirms his suspicions by croaking
“Boss…I gave my voice for the magazine!”
And…scene!
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