Welcome to the First Annual
Doris Day(s) Christmas
Special!
With the Widder Martin and her
family (Philip Brown, Tod Starke)!
Curmudgeonly old Buck Webb (Denver Pyle)!
Myrna Gibbons (Rose Marie)! Michael Nicholson
(McLean Stevenson)!
Ron Harvey (Paul
Smith)!
The World of Sid and Marty Krofft!
And Paul Lynde as Santa Claus!
(Okay…I may be fibbing about those last two…)
Because it’s the holiday season,
Thrilling Days of Yesteryear is presenting this episode of
The
Doris Day Show out of sequence (and 45 years after its first telecast, too)…and you can probably tell that right off
by the fact that Doris is sporting a new coif in this Christmas-themed episode,
something that she starts in the earlier outing “Doris the Model” (11/17/69),
which I haven’t yet covered on the blog.
(Believe you me—when I do, it will set the record for shortest
Doris
Day(s) write-up, since it’s mostly an extended fashion show with Doris
posing in various outfits.
It’s
really boring.)
Act One of “A Two-Family Christmas” finds
Doris and Myrna in the offices of
Today’s
World (The NOW Magazine) decorating in anticipation for the big
Christmas blow-out held every year.
Doris coaches her pal in the art of straightening the star for the top
of the Christmas tree perfectly, and when they’re done they drag the ladder
across the lobby…where they meet up with Myrna’s boss, Ron Harvey, who’s
carrying a punch bowl the size of Rhode Island.
RON: Make way, ladies…make way…
MYRNA: Oh—there goes Candlestick
Park…
DORIS: That is the biggest bowl I
have ever seen!
RON (setting it down on a table):
You see before you the Christmas wassail bowl…and in exactly an hour and
fifteen minutes it will be brimming to the top with Ron Harvey’s special Christmas punch… (As he tosses
in oranges) Which spells the difference between the ordinary Christmas party and “let’s-not-go-home-till-New-Year’s”…
DORIS: You mean we’re going to
drink all that?
MYRNA: No, we don’t drink out of
it—we bathe in it…
“You’d be surprised how quickly it disappears,” continues
Ron.
“Finger lickin’ good…that is, if
you can still
find your fingers after
the first dip.”
Well, that certainly
sounds sanitary.
The trio’s punchy
banter (sorry about that) is interrupted by our old pal Dave the Lackey (David
Manzy), who informs Doris that they need more Christmas decorations.
This is Manzy’s second and final appearance
on the program (his first was
“A
Frog Called Harold,” in which his role was a bit more substantial)—and
again, he’s not to be confused with the Dave the Lackey from last week’s
“The
Woman Hater,” in which he was played by Johnnie Collins III.
Doris heads into her office and Myrna
follows.
DORIS: Boy, this is going to be a swinging party…
Far out.
MYRNA: Well, I don’t know how we’re
going to top last year…
DORIS: We can have drag races in
the elevators!
MYRNA: That’s what we did last year!
The phone in Doris’ office rings, and it’s Laird Buckley
Webb on the other end. They exchange
Christmas pleasantries, and Doris asks about the state of her rugrats.
BUCK: They’re snoopin’ around the
house tryin’ to figure out where we hid the Christmas presents…that’s what
they’re doin’…hey, listen—the reason I called…I got to wonderin’…what’s the
gang up there gonna do for Christmas…? You know—Mr. Harvey and Mr. Nicholson
and Myrna?
DORIS: Gee, I don’t know…it’s been
so hectic around here nobody’s even talked about it…I imagine they have, you
know, plans…
BUCK: Well, uh…you sure?
DORIS: No…we didn’t discuss it,
but…
BUCK: Well, I was thinkin’…uh…bein’
as how they’re all single they might enjoy comin’ out here and havin’ a real
old-fashioned family Christmas with us…
“Hey—wouldn’t that have been fun!” gushes Doris. Oh,
yeah—there’s nothing single people enjoy more than to be reminded of the
decisions they’ve made in life that have left them lonely during the holidays
with no company but a house crammed with cats.
Doris has a sad because it’s probably too late to extend the invitation,
but Buck counters that “there’s no harm in askin’.”
DORIS: Well, I’ll ask—but I wish
you would have thought of it sooner…
BUCK: Listen, I didn’t see this turkey sooner—we’ve got twenty-two pounds of turkey out here,
and if we don’t get somebody to help us eat it we’re going to have turkey hash
all next week…maybe into next month…
Doris promises Buck she’ll do what she can, and sends him
off with her familiar “Toodle-oo!” Myrna
then emerges from Doris’ closet carrying two bags of decorations.
DORIS: Hey, Myrn…do you have any
plans for Christmas?
MYRNA: Are you kidding? You know me—I’ve always got something cooking…
DORIS: Something big, huh?
MYRNA: Yeah…six-feet-two to be exact…
MYRNA: …I heard he’s a dreamy ski instructor at Squaw Valley…so
I made reservations…
DORIS: Squaw Valley!
MYRNA: Yeah, I figured if I work my
balls out right, I could become one of his squaws…
I’m not sure what Myrna means by “work my balls out
right”…and upon further reflection, I’ve decided I’m not all that curious to
find out. Doris explains the reason why
she’s so nosy is that she was going to invite her BFF out to Webb Estates for Yuletide
gaiety and merriment. Myrna says thanks
but no thanks.
Doris’ boss, Michael “Nick” Nicholson makes his way through
the offices, stopping long enough to stare at Ron’s punch preparations (“Bigger
than last year,” brags his associate editor) and registering mild
disapproval. He’s also not too receptive
to Myrna’s “Merry Christmas, Mr. Nicholson!” Calling Doris into his office, we soon find
out why Nick is acting like someone took a dump in his figgy pudding.
DORIS: Doesn’t the office look
festive?
NICK: Mm-hmm…
DORIS (admiring a decoration
hanging from the ceiling): I love this…everybody’s so excited about the
party—they can’t wait for it to
start…
NICK: Except me…I can’t wait for it
to be over…
Fa-la-la-la-la…la-la-la-la!
Okay, it’s not really fair to criticize Nicholson’s pessimistic attitude
toward the office Christmas bash. He
explains: “I don’t know what it is about an office party, but it always gets
out of hand!” (It wouldn’t be an office
party otherwise, would it?)
DORIS: Well…they’re just filled
with the holiday spirit…
NICK: Yeah, well, I’ve got the
holiday spirit, too, Doris…but I mean we really
get it around here when everybody dips…when everybody dips into Ron Harvey’s special spirits…and then before you know
it, the whole thing…the whole thing is a shambles…all of our quiet little
secretaries turn into a bunch of Raquel
Welches…
Is this party reserved for Today’s World staff, or can anyone show up uninvited?
NICK: And Myrna…Myrna gets up and
does a twenty-minute imitation of Jimmy Durante…
DORIS: You’re kidding!
NICK: No!
DORIS: Hey—I’ll bet she’s good!
She should be—she’s had enough practice!
Fans of
The Dick Van Dyke Show know that
Rose Marie, as Sally Rogers, imitates the Schnozzola in the classic Yuletide
installment
“The Alan
Brady Show Presents” (12/18/63)—which is one of several boob tube
celebrations of Christmas discussed in
an
uproariously funny article by my
Cultureshark
pal Rick Brooks at
ClassicFlix (the
Father
Knows Best stuff had me on the floor).
R.M. even fearlessly imitated Durante on
a December 24, 1948
broadcast of his own radio program (co-starring Alan Young and Durante
regulars Florence Halop, Candy Candido, Alan Reed, Arthur Q. Bryan and Ruby
Dandridge), available on Radio Spirits’ CD collection
Christmas
Radio Classics.
(Jimmy has a
hilarious reaction to Rho’s impression: “How do you like that—I’ve been
transcribed to a more convenient body!”)
Okay, now that I’ve gotten the shamelessly brazen plugs out
of the way—Nicholson continues to disparage his employees’ antics from
Christmas celebrations past. “And then
Ron Harvey will corner me and tell me what I did wrong all year. And you know something? For the next week, nobody can look anybody else in the eye.” But Nicholson has a plan—he’s appointing
Doris hallway monitor because she’s so good and kind and has new hair. Tell me that job isn’t going to suck egg nog.
DORIS: Oh, Mr. Nicholson…you’re
asking me to be the office party pooper…I
mean, I can’t tell people how many drinks they should have…
NICK: Doris…I am not asking you to
be a chaperone…nor do I want to sound
like Ebenezer Scrooge…I’m just asking you if you’ll help me make this a nice Christmas party…
Doris reluctantly agrees, then it’s her turn to ask a
favor—she inquires of Nicholson as to what his Christmas plans are, and he
brags that he’s getting away to Seoul Palm Springs for a little
R&R. “That’s good for you,” affirms
his secretary, “you really need a rest.
I’ll catch you next Christmas.”
Doris still hasn’t asked Ron how he plans to make merry over
the holidays, so she returns to the scene of the party preparations to find him
pouring a liquor store’s worth of booze into that gi-normous punch bowl.
DORIS: How much are you putting in
there?
RON: Oh, this is just the base…
(Chuckling) From here I build…
DORIS: Mr. Harvey…don’t you think
you’re overdoing it?
RON: I may have overdone the nutmeg…
Ron is asked about Christmas, and he, too, has
plans—Acapulco! “Golden beaches covered
with golden girls,” he muses while continuing to pour. Why he’s envisioning Bea Arthur, Betty White,
Rue McClanahan and Estelle Getty on white silver sands goes unexplained, but
this means he will be unable to attend Webb-a-Palooza, touched as he is by the
offer. Because Doris asked Ron if she
might be the first to sample his concoction, he offers her a generous ladleful…providing
this facial reaction, which may be the funniest in the show’s history:
Smooooooooooth!
With
a dissolve, we find the
Today’s World
employees furiously frugging to hip music as Doris and Myrna watch from the
sidelines.
“I think you better take it a
little easy with that stuff,” scolds Doris as Myrn drains a cup of punch.
“Ohhhh I can handle
it—it’s just punch,” Myrna replies, giving her bud a playful shoulder
nudge. “I think I’ll go take another dip
in that beautiful pool.” Cheese and
crackers—run for the hills, men! Myrna
is tipsy and frisky! (She’s
fripsy!) As Myrna samples some more Old
Harvey, the manufacturer makes his way over for a little boss-to-secretary
chat.
RON: My…beautiful…secretary…
MYRNA: Oh, boy—this punch is stronger than I thought…
RON: Myrn old girl…I know that I’ve
been hard on you all year…I mean, always needling you with making you work
overtime…snapping at you when you misspell a word—at which, incidentally, was quite often…but this is the Christmas
season…and it’s a time for love…and understanding…I want you to know that…well,
maybe sometimes I appear like an ogre…but…deep down inside…I’m a wonderful,
loving human being…who appreciates you…right now I want to show you my
appreciation… (He puts down his glass and gives her a tender kiss)
MYRNA (after a pause): Boy, you’ll
do anything to get out of giving me a
Christmas present, won’t you?
Ron protests his assistant’s sarcasm. “On my desk is a beautifully wrapped gift
from me to you,” he explains. “Really?”
Myrna asks in earnest.
“It’s a dictionary to teach you how to spell,” is his snarky reply.
Ha! Ya burnt, Myrna! And speaking of words, the intoxicated Harvey
has “a few choice ones” for the man who continues to employ him despite apparently
being told off at the Christmas party each year.
Doris is on the case, though!
She quickly intercepts Ron and scolds him for
not asking her to dance, so they do a turn on the floor (both looking as if
some joker arranged to have fire ants dumped into their undergarments).
Their mating dance is interrupted by a
dweeby-looking chap (James B. Douglas) answering to “Mr. Singer”—who, in a
following bit of dialogue, reveals himself to be the office payroll clerk (he
starts macking on Doris big time).
Douglas had roles in
MASH
(1970) and
The Changeling (1980),
and appeared a few times on the Showtime series
Soul Food as Principal
Gordon.
While Doris is trapped with Singer, Ron takes the time to
unload on Nick—calling him “stodgy” and “old-fashioned” in his management of
the NOW magazine.
Doris manages to fob
Singer off on the horny Myrna, and breaks up Nick and Ron’s confab by reminding
Nick he promised her a dance.
As Doris
and Boss trip the light fantastic, Ron staggers over and asks if he can cut in;
Nicholson reluctantly agrees, and Ron takes him out on the floor for a
twirl.
(Yes, I did laugh at this—but
only because Curly used to do that to Moe in a lot of the Stooges shorts.
“My father died dancin’…on the end of a
rope.”)
Then it’s time for Myrna’s
Durante impression (“Stop da music—
stop
da music!”), which is quite good (she warbles a few bars of Jimmy’s
signature
You Gotta Start Off Each Day
With a Song) until she starts insulting the staff.
“You should see my boss Ron Harvey,” she
brays.
“He’s got
such a big nose—he should have, he gets it in
everybody’s business!”
(Physician…heal thyself!)
There’s a dissolve, and Nick walks among the party attendees
with a smile on his face—presumably it hasn’t been such an obnoxious affair
after all.
Doris is getting ready to
motor because kids, and Nick thanks her for keeping the employees in line.
“I just wanted to tell you this is turning
out to be the best office party we ever had,” he informs her.
NICK: You sure came through—what
all did you do, anyway?
DORIS: Well, I watered down the punch…
NICK: I thought it tasted a little flat…
DORIS (laughing): And then I got
Myrna with Mr. Singer…
NICK: Mm-hmm…
DORIS: …and then I introduced Mr.
Harvey to that new research assistant, you know…so that automatically quieted
things down…
Doris wishes Nick a Merry Christmas in Palm Springs, and he
returns the sentiment with a friendly peck on the cheek.
As Doris makes her way out of the
Today’s World shindig, she passes
Myrna slow dancing with her new squeeze (“Hey, Dor—he’s kind of cute!”) and
presses the button for the elevator.
As
the doors slide open, we find Ron snogging with the new research assistant
(“Just rehearsing for Acapulco”).
(Boy,
is she gonna get a surprise in nine months!)
End of Act One.
“A Two-Family Christmas”…Part the Second. Back from commercial, we find Doris putting
the young’uns to bed—soon, Billy and Toby will have dreams in which sugar plums
and Gouda wedges dance in their heads.
Downstairs, Gran’pa Buck is filling stockings with apples and nuts and
other baked goodies.
BUCK: Listen—I think we better wait
for about a half-hour before we put those presents under the tree…let ‘em get
to sleep good…
DORIS: Okay… (After a pause) Can’t
wait to see Billy’s face when he sees the slot
cars…he is going to flip out…
BUCK: Listen—did you notice ‘em at
dinnertime? They were helpin’ with the
dishes…
DORIS: They do it all the time now…you know…
BUCK: Oh, yeah…but tonight they put
a little somethin’ extra in…they’re not gonna blow any chances for those
presents…
I may have misjudged those kids—they’re smarter than I
thought. Doris laughs, and then asks:
“Can you imagine Christmas without them?”
(You will in two more seasons, Miss Que Sera Sera.) All snarkiness aside, I do like Buck’s
answer: “They are Christmas.” (Amen, brother.)
BUCK: As far as…well, I was kind of
hopin’ your friends would come over and join us…
DORIS: Yeah…they would have loved it…but they made big plans…
BUCK: Tell me something…do you kind
of wish you were going to all them fancy places?
Doris assures her father that Acapulco and Palm Springs and
Squaw Valley can’t compare to what she’s got…but as I said before, things will
be different when Season Four gets underway.
Then Toby appears at the top of the stairs, because he’s been doing some
thinking—and that can’t be good.
TOBY: Well, Santa Claus is going to
come down the chimney, isn’t he?
BUCK: Well…yeah…
TOBY: Don’t you think you better
put out the fire?
DORIS: We will, honey…
BUCK: Yeah…see…he’s not due here
until after midnight and…uh…uh…uh…he likes a nice warm house to come into…
Jeebus, Buck—is that the best you got? Billy soon joins his brother on the stairs,
reasoning that “if Toby gets to stay up, I get to stay up, too—I’m older.”
Doris is just about to exercise her parental veto when the family hears
a group of carolers outside singing God
Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen. “Who could
it be?” Doris wonders.
The four of them head outside to find Nick, Ron and Myrna
caroling.
(They’re not really
caroling—they’re probably spiffed from the Christmas party.)
We know that Rose Marie is no slouch when it
comes to singing, but both McLean Stevenson and Paul Smith do a passable job in
joining in.
The three of them decided to
accept Doris’ invitation after all!
(I’ll bet the Denny’s was closed.)
DORIS: What happened to your plans?
MYRNA: Well…after the office party
broke up, why…we got to thinking that…Christmas was for family and friends…not…strangers in Squaw Valley…
DORIS: Yeah…but what about
six-feet-two, eyes of blue?
MYRNA: Well…my kind of luck, he’d
probably wind up being four-foot-three…
Nick explains that a trip to Palm Springs just “didn’t seem
very Christmassy,” (Doris: “It’s just too hot—that’s all!”) and Ron’s jaunt to
Acapulco was scotched along similar lines.
“Why should I go all the way to Acapulco just to make a bunch of women
happy?” he asks. “Let ‘em suffer!” Excellent proclamation, Sir Muffin of Stud.
Because they have company, Billy is able to wheedle a bit
more stay-up time from his ma (score!) and as they are invited to make
themselves to home, the office trio refuse any grub but will not decline Buck’s
offer of a “hot toddy.” (Miserable drunks.)
DORIS: Oh, this is great!
RON: Well…the truth is…I kind of miss a family Christmas…
MYRNA: Me, too…
NICK: Well—let’s face it,
Doris…Christmas is family and…uh…none
of us have any family out here…
DORIS: Well, you have now…
With a dissolve, we find Ron and Myrna looking through a
photo album with Billy…who points out a picture of him when he was four years
old.
“Hey—you’re a handsome devil,
aren’t you…heh heh?” comments Myrna.
“Do
you ski?”
Doris brings in some goodies
(leftovers from dinner, perhaps?) and I chuckled at Lord Nelson’s attempt to
grab a few nibbles.
True story: we owned
a dachshund one time who, one Christmas, helped himself to about half a box of
Reese’s miniature peanut butter cups from sister Kat’s room while we were out
of the house for some family function.
The look on the dog’s face when we confronted him with this vile deed is
tattooed into my brain: “You…you don’t think
I did this, do you?”
NICK: Hey, that’s a cute
picture…the one on the bearskin rug…which one of the boys was that, Buck—Toby
or Billy?
BUCK: No! That’s Doris!
(They all laugh)
RON: Hey, you got any more of
those? I’d like one for my desk…
DORIS: I’ll bring it in Monday…
 |
| Silent derp...holy derp. |
Toby walks over to the family piano—which, up until this
time, I was not aware it was a player piano—and starts up
Silent Night, which the family and friends all join in singing
until the fade out.
The coda on this one is kind of amusing…and also a bit
freaky.
We see Toby and Billy having fun
with Bill’s slot car set…and then the camera pulls back to reveal that it’s
actually Nick and Ron futzing with it, as the boys whine about getting a
turn.
(Chalk up that bit of directorial
inspiration to none other than OTR vet Larry Dobkin, helming the first of two
Doris
Day Show episodes in the director’s chair.)
Ron is whining, too; he wants to switch from
his blue car to Nick’s red car.
RON: This time I want the red car…
NICK: There’s nothing wrong with the blue car…
RON: Well, if there’s nothing wrong
with the blue car how come I can’t
have the red car?
NICK: Because I’m the boss…
Dor brings out hot chocolate “for whoever wants it,” and as Buck
pulls roasted chestnuts out of the fire (Myrna: “I always thought that was the
lyrics for the song—I never thought people actually did that!”) for family and
guests, Doris turns to the camera and “breaks the fourth wall”:
Well…this is our Christmas…and
as you can see, it’s been a very special one…so from all of us here…to all of you
there…we wish you happiness and peace…and much, much love…good night…Merry
Christmas…
I don’t have to tell you I was kind of freaked out by this
the first time I watched it…only because you never saw that sort of thing on Mayberry
R.F.D. (“I’m not really an inept
fix-it man…I just play one on this here show!”)
I hope you all enjoyed our temporary Doris Day(s) detour to
spotlight an episode that focuses on the spirit of the holiday season. I know I poke a lot of merciless fun at Dor
and Company (and many times rightfully so), but I don’t disagree with this
episode’s premise that family is all a part of Christmas. Fortunately, Los Parentes Yesteryear and
myself will get to spend some quality kin time with my sister Debbie and her husband
and daughter starting tomorrow…so that might explain things if it gets a little
slow on the blog in the interim. Next
time, we’ll return to our regular Doris Day(s) rotation with an
amusing little playlet entitled “The Chocolate Bar War.” (Seriously, this one has a good laugh or two,
and appearances from OTR vets like Amzie Strickland and Howard Culver.) Please make a sticky-note to join me, and in
case I don’t shout at you in the meantime: Happy Holidays!
