Mayberry Mondays #24: “Millie’s Girlfriend” (03/17/69, prod. no. 0126)

Well, I can’t even begin to describe for you my disappointment with this week’s Mayberry Mondays installment, “Millie’s Girlfriend”—because what I was hoping would be a fascinating tale on bakery doyenne Millie Swanson’s (Arlene Golonka) induction into the Sapphic sisterhood turned out instead to be a humdrum episode in which Millie’s friend tries to put the moves on city council head and poor-but-honest dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry). (And even that falls short of expectations.) To be honest, I’d just as well skip this episode but since I’ve already paid the rent on the hall this week I guess I’ll soldier on.

As the episode gets underway, Millie is chatting up with her friend Renee via telephone, trying to counsel her on the recent breakup between Renee and a boyfriend we’ll call “Roger”…because that apparently is his name…

MILLIE (on phone): Oh no…well, he didn’t…oh, Renee, that’s awful…I hope you told him, and told him good…oh, honey—honey, don’t cry…no…honey, if he’s that kind of person, you’re lucky to be rid of him…oh, they all say they love you…

Men are scum. While this riveting conversation continues on, Sam has arrived at Casa del Millicent with a bouquet of pretties to present to his lady love. This is a pretty obvious set-up—you just know that Sam’s going to end up in the doghouse despite not having done anything because Millie’s too worked up after talking with her gal pal.

SAM (after Millie opens the front door): Hi!
MILLIE: How can you men be such beasts!

Sam, the smart money would have you walking fast and walking far. Millie returns to her phone conversation…because it’s long distance, and that was a pretty big thing back then.

MILLIE: Renee? N-N-No…no, it’s nothing important… (Sam gives her a quizzical look) Look, honey—the best thing for you to do is get away from him…get away from him, New York…everything…come down and stay with me for a while…no no no—I insist…no…I will not take no for an answer…oh…good…good…yes…oh well, honey—what’s a friend for if you can’t call on her when she’s needed? Right…now wire me…now don’t cry…bye… (She hangs up the phone) Honestly…I really don’t understand you men…
SAM: What?
MILLIE: Honestly! I mean, how can you be so unfeeling…how can you…how can you break a girl’s heart like that?
SAM: Well…I didn’t mean to…

Millie finally overcomes her ditziness attack and accepts the flowers from Sam, who remarks: “I’m kind of glad I brought ‘em now—I didn’t now we were going to have a fight.” Millie then explains to Sam about the phone call:

MILLIE: Oh, it’s nothing to do with you—that was Renee, the girl I worked with at the department store in Raleigh…
SAM (shaking his head, not comprehending): Uh…
MILLIE: The fashion model…well, she became a fashion model when she went to New York…
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…
MILLIE: Well, she’s going to come down and stay with me for a few days…her boyfriend just walked out on her…
SAM: Oh…
MILLIE: Well, I could cry about it…I-I-I really can…I mean…you know, she was leading such a happy life until Roger wrecked it…
SAM: Oh…well, Mill…you…hey, what do you say we go out and have a bite to eat? You might feel better…
MILLIE (getting angry again): Honestly! Don’t you men have any feeling at all??

I thought this shot of Sam and Millie waiting on the bus that will bring Renee into town was interesting because…well, because Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) doesn’t have his keister parked on it, as is his wont. Anyway, the bus pulls in and Millie is anxiously awaiting the arrival of her good pal Renee. When Renee gets off the bus, she instantly seeks out Millie for consoling, and the scene is sort of amusing because Sam is valiantly trying to collect her luggage and inform her as to where he’s parked the car…but she ignores him, continuing to sob uncontrollably and talking to Millie.

Well, we’re four minutes into this thing and haven’t yet heard from Mayberry’s brain trust, Emmett and village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey). (The other member of this think tank, county clerk Howard Sprague [Jack Dodson], is MIA this week.) Emmett and Goober enter the city council office to bend Sam’s ear:

EMMETT: Mornin’, Sam…
GOOBER: Sam…we was just walkin’ by and thought we’d say hello…
SAM: Oh, good…
EMMETT: Yeah…
GOOBER (taking a swig from a bottle and then offering it to Sam): Want some root beer?
SAM: No…no thanks, Goob…
GOOBER: Oh… (After a pause) Say—who was that good looker that got off the bus yesterday?
EMMETT: The one that was blubberin’ all over Millie…
SAM: Oh yeah—that’s an old friend of Millie’s from New York…fashion model…
GOOBER: Oh… (Another pause) Well, ain’t you gonna tell us how come she was blubberin’?
EMMETT: Goob…I told you that was none of our business…
GOOBER: Well, then how come you’re here nosin’ around with me?
SAM: Look, fellas…all I know is she’s an old friend of Millie’s—her fiancé broke up with her, and Millie asked her down here for a few days to try and take her mind off it…
EMMETT: Oh…then be careful what you say to her…don’t say anything that’ll remind her of them New York playboys…
GOOBER: Yeah…try not to mention Grant’s Tomb or the Staten Island Ferry…or the Rockettes…
SAM: I’ll do my best…
GOOBER: I hear them models lead quite a life…
SAM: Yeah?
EMMETT: Oh, yeah—they work all day and dance all night…
GOOBER: Well, that’s why they’re so skinny… (Stupid laugh) I’ll tell you one thing—ain’t no daughter of mine going to run off to New York and have her heart broke by no playboy…

You know, if this town still had a lawman he could run both of those cretins in for felonious idiocy. Fortunately, Millie has arrived in time to break up this little conclave, and she asks if Tweedledum and Tweedledummer could leave in order to speak to Sam privately:

MILLIE: Sam, I have to work all afternoon and I’m worried about Renee…I don’t want her sitting around all afternoon alone…so I was wondering if you…well, if you could show her around this afternoon…? Anything to keep her busy so she won’t brood…
SAM: Aw, Millie…I’ve got all this…
MILLIE: Oh, please…
SAM: Oh…well…yeah, I guess I could…

Millie gives him a big ol’ sloppy and tells him he’s a doll, and after a scene dissolve we find Sam showing Renee the sight in Mayberry…

SAM: …and right down this way is the drugstore…uh, dry cleaners…library…

“Crack house…”

SAM: …and that two-story skyscraper over there…that is the City Hall…
RENEE: That’s very nice…
SAM: Yeah…as the Chamber of Commerce likes to say, the buildings aren’t too tall around here, but the sky’s a lot closer… (They both laugh) Now, don’t blame that one on me—the Women’s Club had a slogan contest…

Second place went to: “It’s Mayberry…what the hell else are you going to do on a Saturday night at this time?”

Sam then asks Renee if she’s hungry, apparently not familiar with the fact that models are always hungry but that they’re not allowed to eat. He then suggests grabbing a cup of coffee at the diner, which will afford me the opportunity to get a better screen capture of actress portraying Renee in this week’s playlet:

If this face is familiar but you can’t quite summon up the name, this is character actress Marianna Hill, who appeared as a guest star in many of the popular TV shows during the 1960s including 77 Sunset Strip, Perry Mason, Gunsmoke, Bonanza and Dr. Kildare. (Hill also shows up a time or two in the 1960-62 TV western The Tall Man.)  She had high profile roles in Paradise, Hawaiian Style (1966) and Medium Cool (1969) around the same time, and substantial parts in High Plains Drifter (1973) and The Godfather, Part II (1974) followed.

SAM: Hey, don’t let your mind wander—Millie said I was supposed to keep you talking…
RENEE: You’re right…I’m sorry…let’s talk about you…
SAM: Me?
RENEE: Yeah…do you like farming?
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah, I really do…as a matter of fact, I don’t think I’d want to do anything else…
RENEE: That’s very nice…you’re lucky…you know, I don’t think I’ve ever met a real farmer before…

…and you still haven’t.

SAM: Oh, well…we’re not too much different from anybody else…except we like to dress up in bib overalls and chew on straws…
RENEE: Oh, now you’re making fun of me…

Renee then asks to see Sam’s hands, and begins to become moist with anticipation when she runs her slender model fingers along his calluses—“You don’t see many of those on those fashion designers,” she moons. (Honey, stick around Mayberry for a couple more days and you’ll soon notice that Sam never actually does anything remotely resembling farm work, preferring to fritter away most of his time at Emmett’s.  So the source of those calluses must be from something else...if you know what I mean, and I think you do.) It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that she’s starting to develop a “thing” for our hero, which makes me curious about just how much of a wanker her Roger was if she’s developing feelings for a drip like Sam.

SAM: Uh…I guess we’d better be going, huh?
RENEE: Wait a minute…I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet…

Funny…Renee never has a second cup of coffee at home. Well, after another cuppa Joe, Sam returns Renee to Millie’s—and learns that his main squeeze has come down with a case of the sniffles…

MILLIE: Don’t come near me…
SAM: Why?
MILLIE: I’m coming down with a dilly…I felt it a little bit this morning but I thought it would go away…
SAM: Gee…that’s too bad…
RENEE: Well, is there anything I can do for you?
MILLIE: No, no…I’ll be okay…well—how did you like Mayberry?
RENEE: Oh, very much…I couldn’t have had a better guide… (Millie sneezes) Oh, Millie—you sound awful…
MILLIE: Oh…
RENEE: …you sit down and rest and I’ll start supper...
MILLIE: Oh, no…no…
RENEE: Please…so long, Sam… (She exits the living room)
SAM: Yeah…bye…
MILLIE: Oh, thanks, Sam—she’s feeling much better, I can tell…
SAM: Well, I wish I could say the same for you…maybe you ought to get to bed, Millie…
MILLIE: I-I-I think I should…look, Sam…you know, I promised Renee we’d all go to the movies together…and I don’t want her to be disappointed…would you take her?
SAM: Wha…you mean just…oh…gee, Millie—I hate to leave you here alone…
MILLIE: Oh, please…
SAM (resignedly): Well…okay, I’ll take her…

Now, if this was Lost in Space, that damn robot would be making an entrance right now, flailing its robot arms about and announcing: “Warning…warning…danger, Sam Jones…” Renee comes back into the living room, having changed into an apron and asking Millie where the can opener is:

MILLIE: Honey…I don’t think I should go to the movies tonight, but I want you to go with Sam…I’m going to go to bed and try to sleep…so there’s no reason for you to stay here…I want you to go—enjoy yourself…
RENEE: Okay!
MILLIE: No…I insist… (Realization kicking in) Oh…oh…good, good…th-th-then it’s all settled…
RENEE: I’ll start supper…

Yeah, and from the look on Millie’s face I can guess what’s on the menu…Filet of Renee. There’s a camera dissolve, and we find Millie confined to quarters, having a bit of soup-like nourishment and being looked after by Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Francis Bavier).

MILLIE: Mmm…that was delicious, Aunt Bee…thank you… (She hands her the empty soup bowl)
AUNT BEE: Good…is that eucalyptus rub helping any?
MILLIE: I…I guess so…why don’t you run home, it’s getting late…

“And be forced to share the same space with that idiot son of Sam’s? Not on your Nellie, missy…”

AUNT BEE: No…no…I’ll stay right here until they get back from the movies…
MILLIE: Well…they should be here any minute…
AUNT BEE: Yes…of course…
(Long pause)
MILLIE: I’m glad Renee had a chance to get out…take her mind off Roger…

Aunt Bee nods her head in assent, and then makes this face which made me laugh out loud.

After a nine-month pregnant pause, Millie continues to make awkward conversation…

MILLIE: Well, Sam always likes to stay for the short subjects and cartoons…
AUNT BEE: I understand it’s a long picture, too…
(There is another long pause, and Millie sneezes)
MILLIE: I…I hear it’s very romantic…
AUNT BEE: Well…I understand it’s…more of that “moonlight in Rome” sort of thing…
MILLIE: Oh…
AUNT BEE: Oh…can I heat up your hot water bottle for you, hmm?
MILLIE: No, Aunt Bee…it’s fine…it really is…thank you…
AUNT BEE: Well, then let me get a pillow...boost you up a little…
MILLIE: Okay…

Aunt Bee goes over to Millie’s closet, and upon opening the door finds a nice little night number and starts fawning all over it. “Oh, this is so much more attractive than that thing you have on,” she gushes. “It’s Renee’s,” responds Millie, as Aunt Bee reaches up to calculate the amount of egg on her face. The tenseness of the situation is broken by the sound of Sam’s car pulling into the driveway, much to the relief of Millie and Aunt Bee. Unfortunately, the two women can hear Sam and Renee outside giggling, and it’s not because Sam has just told her one of the jokes he read in the book they keep in the outhouse. Millie is visibly upset by their gaiety, and of course, this is Aunt Bee’s cue to do what she does best—look sad and concerned.

After the commercial break, Aunt Bee comes downstairs to find Sam and Renee in the living room—and check out the red dress Renee’s got on, a little number from the Harlot collection. Sam inquires as to Millie’s health:

AUNT BEE: Well, it’s a very bad cold…

“One that she’ll likely die from, and then won’t you feel guilty for having played around on her, you dirtbag…”

SAM: Oh…
RENEE: Oh, dear…
SAM: Well, maybe I’d better run up and say hello…
AUNT BEE: No, no…I think she’s about to fall asleep…
SAM: Oh…oh, here—I’ll help you with that (He helps Aunt Bee on with her coat)
AUNT BEE: Thank you…
RENEE: Well, would you like some coffee?
AUNT BEE: No…no, dear—thank you very much…it’s getting a little late, I’d better be running along…
RENEE: How about you, Sam?
SAM: No, I don’t think so, Renee—thank you…
RENEE: Come on…it’s my turn…and you promised we’d compare notes about Rome…
SAM: Oh…well, yeah…okay, then—I’ll be home in a little while, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE: Fine…it is getting late…

“…and it is a school night, Mister…” Aunt Bee, whom I’m guessing is secure in the knowledge that not much can happen if Millie’s right upstairs, leaves Sam and Renee on their own, and Renee invites Farmer Jones into the kitchen to help with the coffee. Millie looks down on the situation from her position on the landing, but she can’t see the kitchen from where she’s at. Another scene dissolve, and Sam is telling Renee about his Rome experiences when he was in the Army:

SAM: See, when I was in Rome I was in the Army so I didn’t get around too much…
RENEE: Did you see the Trevi Fountain?
SAM: Yeah, I did see that…

Renee tells Sam of her Trevi experience, which involved having her picture taken when she was on a modeling assignment—the photographer kept telling her to step back until she fell backward into the landmark, which prompts this expression from Millie…

…maybe I’m just being catty, but Renee strikes me as the kind of dame who’d go diving after those three coins before you can say “la dolce vita.” Millie knows she has to break up this little tête-à-tête, but she’s self-conscious about going downstairs looking like something the cat dragged in (personally, Millie—you could be covered with boils and still be adorable). When Sam remarks that “Rome is a beautiful city,” Renee jumps at the chance to set the romantic mood by putting on a record of Millie’s that will “bring back memories”…and for those interested, it’s not Pepino the Italian Mouse. Finally, as a famous spinach-eating sailor once observed—“That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!”—Millie makes an entrance into the living room…

RENEE: Just standing there in the Forum…you realize you’re standing on the exact spot that Julius Caesar stood…
SAM: Yeah…
MILLIEL Hi!
SAM: Oh! Millie, hi…how are you feeling?
MILLIE: Oh…lots better…
SAM: Well, good…
RENEE: Did we wake you up?
MILLIE: No…no, I was thinking of getting up for a while…I didn’t even know you two were down here…

“I could barely hear you trying to make time with my boyfriend, you bitch…”

RENEE: Well, would you like some coffee?
MILLIE: Oh, no…no thanks…well…how did you like the movie?
RENEE: Oh, it was wonderful…Sam and I were just talking about it…it was mostly shot in Rome, and we’ve both been there, you know…
SAM: Yeah…
MILLIE: Yeah?
SAM: Uh-huh…
MILLIE: Well, what’s new in town?
SAM: Oh…not much…oh, we stopped over at Morelli’s for some pizza after the movie…

“…and then to Myers Lake for a little passionate necking…”

RENEE: Oh, it was delicious…we’ve had a regular Roman orgy tonight!

Yowsah! If that’s not an invitation to a three-way, I don’t know what is!

SAM: They were eating pizza in the movie and we got kind of hungry for it...

Never mind…Millie sneezes again, and a concerned Sam suggests that she hit the hay—because he needs to be moseying on home himself (though not to rise and shine for farm work, I can assure you). Thanking Renee for the coffee, she brightly suggests that the next time she make espresso…or a little Renee au lait, perhaps?

SAM (to Millie): You take care of yourself...huh?
MILLIE (stuffed up): I will…
SAM (to Renee): Well, I’ll see ya…
RENEE: Arrivederci!
SAM: Yeah…arrivederci…
RENEE (to Millie): Oh…that means…
MILLIE (sharply): I know…

Gazing longingly at Sam as he takes his leave, Renee comments: “Sam’s very nice…” She then asks Millie if she and Sam are engaged, and when Millie responds in the negative, Renee does everything but write “Mrs. Renee Jones” on her school notebooks. The tough thing for Millie is, the one person who would act as her confidant in this situation is macking on her boyfriend, so she has to seek out advice from Mayberry’s resident spinster—a woman who couldn’t even get Will Geer to march down the matrimonial aisle.

MILLIE: I should have never asked her to come here in the first place!
AUNT BEE: Well, you were only trying to help her…
MILLIE: Oh, yeah…and now she’s helping herself…boy…you know, I just don’t understand it…I mean, how could she fall for Sam so fast? Three days ago she hated men with a passion…
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s the oldest story in the world…she’s on the rebound…
MILLIE: Well, let her rebound with somebody else’s boyfriend…you know, I bet she brought this cold with her, too…
AUNT BEE: You don’t think that Sam…
MILLIE: Oh, no…men are too dumb to know anything…

That certainly sounds like Sam.

AUNT BEE: You know what I can’t figure out? Why she’s after Sam—he’s so different from this Roger…
MILLIE: Well, that’s just the big thing—she has some idea she’d make some pretty little farmer’s wife…you know, with her man toiling in the fields while she waits daintily on the doorstep…in her pussycat negligee…Aunt Bee, she doesn’t belong on the farm—she’s not the type at all! Well, do you see her as a farmer’s wife?
AUNT BEE: Well, Millie…I’m on your side…

And that’s when Aunt Bee…whom we have established in previous Mayberry Mondays segments is pure dagnasty evil…starts to formulate a nasty scheme in that feverish housekeeping brain of hers. “I’ll tell you what—why don’t you invite her out here for dinner,” she suggests to Millie.

MILLIE: Here?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…
MILLIE: With Sam?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…
MILLIE: Why, I thought you were on my side!
AUNT BEE: I am!
MILLIE (after a pause): Oh, Aunt Bee…Aunt Bee, I think I like that sneaky look in your eyes…

Twisted and evil. Dissolve to the dinner party, as Sam ushers Millie and Renee inside Rancho Jones…

RENEE: Oh, this is very nice…
SAM: Thank you…thank you…hey, Mill—how’s the cold?
MILLIE: Oh, much better…
SAM: Good…sit down…
(Aunt Bee then enters from the kitchen, carrying a cord of firewood)
AUNT BEE: Hello everybody! Sorry I’m late with the firewood…
SAM (rushing over to help her): Aunt Bee, you didn’t have to get that…
AUNT BEE: No, no, no…you do the man’s work and I’ll do mine…but I’d wish you’d sharpen the axe…Renee, would you help me, please? (Renee reaches over to grab a couple of logs from Aunt Bee) Careful of the wood spiders!
(Renee shrieks and drops the logs on the floor)
SAM (giving Aunt Bee a look): I’ll get it…
MILLIE: Uh, Aunt Bee…what’s that I smell out there that smells so great?
AUNT BEE: Oh, it’s roast turkey—whoo, and it’s a big one…took me hours to pluck it…
RENEE: Pluck it?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…
RENEE: Well…how do you pluck a turkey?
AUNT BEE: You just grab and pull and grab and pull…come along, girls—help me in the kitchen…
(Aunt Bee heads toward the kitchen, with Renee and Millie following…but Sam stops Millie before she gets there)
SAM: Millie…Millie…I bought that turkey at the store…
MILLIE: Then why didn’t you have it plucked?

Day-amm, but Aunt Bee is one crafty old dame. Her plan is to present such a miserable portrait of what it’s like to be a farmer’s wife that Renee the Boyfriend Stealer will be repulsed and she’ll scamper back to the Big Apple, never darkening Mayberry’s doorstep again. To be honest, Aunt Bee could have saved herself a little trouble by just showing Renee some pictures of farmers’ wives, letting her see firsthand how such an existence takes a toll on beautiful women—here’s one for example:

Um…okay, maybe that’s not such a good illustration…let’s try this one…

Oh, come on—there must be one case in point of a homely farmer’s wife…

That’s a farmer’s daughter, you…oh, never mind—let’s let Aunt Bee play this hand out…

MILLIE (in the kitchen with Bee and Renee): You must be tired, Aunt Bee…
AUNT BEE: I am—and you know, I really shouldn’t be…I slept in till five this morning…
RENEE: Five?
AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…I felt so guilty…I ran around and I fed the chickens, then I baked the bread, and did the laundry…mended the overalls…and then I got the breakfast…
RENEE: You did all that before breakfast?

Sam, who’s been eavesdropping on this performance from the other room decides to get a closer look and heads into the kitchen…

SAM: Well—how’s it coming?
RENEE: Oh, it’s fine…I guess…
SAM: Is there anything I can do?
MILLIE: Oh, no…I think we can handle it…
SAM (under his breath): I’ll just bet you can…
MILLIE (through slightly gritted teeth): Go read your paper…
SAM: I wouldn’t want to miss anything…

When Renee starts folding napkins, Aunt Bee tells her not to worry—she doesn’t have to do that, because she’s company. “And we don’t have company on the farm very often, do we?” Aunt Bee prompts Sam. When Millie tells Bee that Renee technically isn’t company because she’s going to be staying with her for a while, Renee conveniently remembers that she left the oven on back at her place in New York. “A person shouldn’t run away from their problems…they should face up to them,” she philosophizes. “Besides, I wouldn’t want to miss any modeling assignments.” Aunt Bee gives Millie a big wink.

And so, through the machinations of Aunt Bee and Millie, Renee’s attempts to lure the unsuspecting Sam into her web have been foiled…though he seems a bit disappointed. When Renee and Aunt Bee are out of the kitchen, he laments: “I don’t know…just don’t know…”

“What do you mean by that?” Millie asks.

“I had a great thing going there and you just blew it…” Millie playfully strangles Sam…but let’s see that ménage a trois photo one more time…

Okay…let’s wrap this one up.

Hanging out at Emmett’s playing darts—as if he didn’t have a care in the world or a farm to run—Sam is being questioned by Emmett and Goober:

GOOBER: Everything okay with you and Millie now?
SAM: Oh, yeah…sure…
EMMETT: Well, why wouldn’t it be? It wasn’t Sam’s fault that some beautiful sexy female wanted to chase after him…
GOOBER: Huh…shows what you know about females…they take a thing like that and twist it all around until it was all his fault… (To Sam) Did you and Millie kiss and make up?
SAM: Well, now…that’s…that’s a little personal, isn’t it, Goob? (He then succumbs to a sneeze)
GOOBER (to Emmett): They kissed and made up...

You know, the last couple of times Aunt Bee has been on an R.F.D. episode it’s like she’s there for evil, and not niceness; someone needs to get her a white cat to stroke…nevertheless, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-meter™ moves up a notch to eleven appearances in total for both the first season and the series. I’ve previewed next week’s episode, “The Church Bell,” in advance and while it’s no great shakes it does feature a bodacious number of familiar TV character faces…so please make it a point to join me.