Mayberry Mondays #35: “The New Farmhand” (11/17/69, prod. no. 0210)

In the earlier blogged-about Mayberry R.F.D. episode “The Pet Shop,” the titular business establishment opens up in town, and Mike “Idiot Boy” Jones (Buddy Foster), who is not allowed to have a dog because his father (poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer Sam Jones [Ken Berry]) is afraid he’ll break it, wangles a job cleaning up pet doody while falling for a Mongrel-American that looks suspiciously like the family dog on My Three Sons.  With the help of a scheming Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier), Mike is able to persuade his father into letting him have the dog…but when the little mook becomes allergic to the pooch it is again Aunt Bee to the rescue, using her powers of pure evil to trick pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) into adopting the canine.

The reason why I’ve recapped the above episode is because the actor who played pet shop owner Harvey Smithers, Glenn Ash, makes a return trip to that sleepy little North Carolina burg in today’s installment of Mayberry Mondays.  In “The New Farmhand,” an episode penned by OTR veteran Bob Mosher (who with longtime partner Joe Connelly created such TV sitcom classics as Leave it to Beaver and The Munsters) another round of kidding the audience occurs with this farm-oriented entry.  Heck, Mosher even has the audacity to open with a scene with Sam actually harvesting some of his crops!

MIKE: You know something about corn, Pa?

SAM: What’s that, Mike?

MIKE: It’s a lot more fun eatin’ it than pickin’ it…

SAM (smiling): You may be right…it seems to me, though, it wasn’t too long ago you used to beg me to let you help on the farm…

MIKE: Well, when you said I was too little it looked like fun…now that I’m big enough to do it it’s work…

I can kind of relate to Mike’s situation here.  Back in West Virginia, my folks had a small allotment on the farm of my Dad’s boss where they would grow vegetables …and they used to tell me it would be fun to engage in back-breaking labor picking the stuff.  Fortunately, my union was able to extract hefty wage concessions from Mom and Dad…plus full medical and dental.

Here’s another action that rendered me speechless the first time I watched this installment.  Sam actually mopping his brow.

SAM: Well, I just thought I’d get a little start on this before the hired hand gets here…

MIKE: Are we gettin’ a hired hand?

SAM: Yep!  He should be here sometime today…got him through the Grange…as a matter of fact, if he works out and he likes it here he might even stay on after the corn crop’s in…

MIKE: After he’s here—will I still have to work?

“Hey…those tubes of toothpaste at the factory don’t cap themselves, you know…”

SAM: No, Mike…you can go into complete retirement…

“And if you don’t know what that means, just hang around Emmett’s fix-it shop one afternoon…”

The scene dissolves to a shot of Sam and Mike out by the Waltons’ barn, taking bushel baskets of corn out of the back of Sam’s pickup.  A sporty automobile pulls up in a cloud of dust, and young Mike is clearly excited, as he’s never met anyone from Hazzard County before.

RUDY (getting out of the vehicle): Sam Jones?

SAM: Right…Harwell?

RUDY (shaking hands with Sam): Yep…Rudy Harwell…

SAM: Nice to meet ya, Rudy…see you found the place all right…

RUDY: Yeah…no trouble…

“They told me in town just to look for a place pretendin’ to be a farm!”  Sam then embarrassingly introduces his idiot son to the new farmhand (Ash), and when the little mook calls him “Mr. Harwell” he responds: “That’s Rudy to you.”

MIKE: Is this your car?

RUDY: Yep…all mine…

“That’ll teach Bo Duke to draw to an inside straight…”

MIKE: Hey, Pa!  Look at these mag wheels!  And hood scoops!  Hey—is that your racing number?

RUDY: Sure is!  (Explaining to Sam) I was doin’ some road racin’ for a while but it’s no way to make a livin’…

SAM (chuckling): No…I don’t imagine it is…is this your first crack at farming?

Rudy informs Sam that he was brought up on a farm, though he wisely chooses to leave the “prison” part off the description.  He has a dream of maybe one day getting a spread of his own, so maybe if we’re lucky he’ll shoot Sam down in cold blood and bury him on the property, telling deputy sheriff and village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey, who’s absent from this episode) that Sam ran off and abandoned Mike.  (Hey…it’s plausible.)  Meanwhile, Mike has quickly taken a shine to the newcomer and is lovingly stroking Rudy’s ride.

MIKE: Hey, did you see the spoiler, Pa?

SAM (nodding his head toward the front of the car): Oh yeah…

MIKE: Not up there… (Pointing) Back there…

SAM: Oh…

RUDY: Your boy sure knows cars…

“He should…he’ll probably be washing them someday…”  Sam suggests to Rudy that he stow his belongings in the house, and Mike, ever the brown nose, offers to carry Rudy’s smaller bag.  Heading into the kitchen, Sam introduces the new hand to this week’s Aunt Bee substitute—who we learn has an actual last name, Flora Triplett (Dorothy Konrad).  (Later on in this episode, we’ll be presented with convincing evidence that this was actually planned as an Aunt Bee outing but for reasons unexplained actress Frances Bavier sat this one out.)

FLORA: We’re so glad that you got here!

RUDY: Well…nice to know you, Flora…

SAM: Uh…Flora’s kind of taking care of things around here for a little while…

MIKE: Aunt Bee’s sister is sick…

RUDY: Oh…sorry to hear that…well, look around at this kitchen here…neat…efficient…sure sign of a good cook…

Apparently Rudy did a stint with the Health Department in his long and varied career.  (Either that or it reminds him of the time when he did his boardin’ with the warden.)

SAM: Just wait till’ you taste her blueberry muffins…

FLORA: Oh, Sam…

RUDY: Well, it’s the smile that does it…ain’t a muffin in the world that wouldn’t rise for a smile like that…

Sure are an awful lot of flies in that kitchen for some reason…

FLORA: Oh, stop—you got me all flustered!

Oh, nice going, Rudy…now she’ll have hot flashes for the rest of the afternoon.  Sam motions for Rudy the Gigolo to follow him so he can show him his quarters, and the scene then dissolves to him and young Mike a-pickin’ more corn and putting it in bushel baskets.

MIKE: Boy!  We filled two more!

RUDY: Yeah, teamwork, Mike…ain’t nothin’ like it…

MIKE: We work good together…

RUDY: Sure thing…

MIKE: You’re a good farmer!

“I never met a real farmer before!”

RUDY: Well, I know I used to be…only farmin’ I’ve done the last five or six years, though, has been from an airplane…

MIKE: What?

RUDY: Sprayin’ crops…I worked for one of them crop dustin’ companies…

MIKE: You did?

RUDY: Yeah…that’s tricky flyin’, too…we’d come in off the ground about 20 feet…wide open!  And if you couldn’t look them potato bugs square in the eye…you knew you weren’t low enough…

MIKE (admiringly): Boy…

“Ask me some time about the time I tried to shoot down some Madison Avenue exec in a cornfield!”  Sam arrives on the scene about this time, and has nothing but admiration for Rudy’s diligent work ethic:

SAM: Hey…you guys have really been doing the job!

RUDY: Yeah, we’ve been goin’ right at it…

That’s what she said.  (You can’t begin to imagine how long I’ve waited to use that reference.)

MIKE (beaming): Rudy and I work good together!

SAM (looking around): Yeah, looks like you got this section pretty well whipped…

That’s what she…okay, I’ll stop now…I promise.

SAM: Say, Rudy…I snapped the U-joint on the tractor, and I have to get over to the supply house…I wonder if you’d run a couple of errands for Flora in town?

RUDY: Sure thing!

SAM: She’ll give you a list… (To Mike) Wanna take a drive with me, Mike?

MIKE: Well…can I go with Rudy instead?

SAM: Well…sure…sure…

“And can Rudy adopt me and be my new dad?”  Rudy heads toward the house to get instructions from Flora, and Mike takes his hand to present this amusing tableau:

All they need are a couple of fishing poles and someone whistling and…well, I have to be honest…you can’t really tell by this screen cap, but I detected a slight moistening in Sam’s eyes here…I just can’t determine whether it’s jealousy or delight at the thought of someone taking that little bastard off his hands.

Once again, to shake the viewing audience out of their lethargy, the producers of R.F.D. defy expectations by presenting fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) in unusual circumstances…getting his work done without being bothered by Mayberry yokels with nothing else to do.  (Speaking of which, Howard’s not in this episode either…a moment of silence, if you please.)  Rudy and Mike enter the establishment, and I notice that Emmett is a little cool towards the new farmhand, though that might be his innate distrust of strangers.

RUDY (handing Emmett an iron): Miss Flora says you’re just the man to fix this…

EMMETT: Oh, she did, huh?  Well, that just shows how much she knows…

Funniest.  Line.  Ever.

EMMETT: I’ll take a whack at it…any of you fellas on the job today?

RUDY (tucking his thumbs under his belt): Yep…me and my pod-nuh just rode in…we gotta a couple of chores to do…then we might either shoot up a town or get ourselves a couple of ice cream cones…right, pod-nuh?

MIKE: Right!

RUDY: We’re gonna walk right into that ice cream store…step right up to the bar and tell ‘em: “We want a couple of doubles…two scoops each!”

EMMETT: That’s a pretty rough ice cream store…

I hear even the cream topping gets whipped.  (Oh, I slay myself sometimes.)

RUDY: Ehhh…we can handle ‘em…right, pod-nuh?

MIKE: Right!

RUDY: ‘Course we gotta a couple of chores to do first… (He takes a slip of paper from his shirt pocket) Let’s see…got the grocery store…

MIKE: Let’s go, partner!

EMMETT: Just make sure you two hombres are out of town before sundown!

RUDY/MIKE: Right, partner!

Oh, brother…there is then a mandated syndication edit which finds Emmett entering the city council office, Flora’s iron in hand:

EMMETT: Hey…Rudy brought this in, and it’s all fixed…I thought you might want to take this home with ya…

SAM: Oh, yeah…thanks, Emmett…thank you… (Slight pause) Hey, where’s the cord?

(Emmett takes a beat, noticing he’s neglected to reattach the cord)

EMMETT: Oh…well…hey, that Rudy’s quite a guy, ain’t he?

SAM (crossing back over to his desk): Yeah, yeah…he sure is, Emmett…

EMMETT: Yeah…he’s the kind of guy you gotta like…you know, dynamic personality…

SAM: Yeah…

EMMETT: You know, when I was young…I used to have a personality like that…dynamic…outgoing…all kinds of wisecracks…

SAM: Hmm…

EMMETT: I had a great personality…

SAM: Yeah…

EMMETT: Marriage killed it deader than a mackerel…

Every now and then, Paul Hartman (as Emmett) will deliver a line in such a fashion that makes me SOL (snort out loud).  That was one of them.

SAM: Oh…now…I know you and Martha get along fine…

EMMETT: Well, maybe…all I know is when I get up in the morning I just don’t feel too laughy…I think that’s a great guy you got workin’ for ya…

SAM: Yeah…

EMMETT: Yeah, and Mike’s crazy about him, too…he’s a big man with Mike…

SAM: Yeah…sure is…

Emmett then does another amusing bit of business in which he lifts up the iron in his hand, scowls at it because it’s missing its cord, and then he hurriedly sticks it under his vest as he says so long to Sam.  We then dissolve to a scene at the Jones family table, where Rudy is shoveling the last remnants of pie into his maw.

RUDY: Flora…I can’t remember when I’ve had a better meal…

FLORA: Oh, it’s just something I threw together…

“…at the trash can.  Then I went through the drive-thru at KFC…”

RUDY: Boy, you sure throw pretty good…

MIKE: Rudy bought me an ice cream cone today!  A Rudy Harwell Special!  Boy, was it great…two scoops!

“Just a little something I used to fall back on to get the kids into my van…”

SAM: Well…good…

RUDY: Well…we were just hackin’ around town today…try to cool off a little bit…I got in the habit of eatin’ ice cream when I was down in Galveston with the auto circus…

MIKE: An auto circus?

RUDY: Yep!

MIKE: He used to fly planes, too!  With a crop dusting company!

SAM: Well…is there anything you don’t do, Rudy?

“I don’t do windows.”

RUDY: Yep…I never pass a bingo parlor when them women are drivin’ home…feller could get hurt…

SAM: Mike…you better finish your milk and…get started on your homework, huh…?

MIKE: Well, I don’t feel like any more milk…

What’s this?  Insubordination?  This might turn out to be a cool episode, in which Sam teaches the little smart aleck not to back sass by having him spend a night in the box…

RUDY: Oh, you better drink it if you want to grow up big and strong!

MIKE: Did you used to drink it?

“All the time…before I met my friend Jack…hell of a friend!”  Rudy replies in the affirmative, telling Mike milk will give him “the old ziperoo”—I halfway expected him to turn to the camera and do a commercial.  (“Milk—it does a body good!”)  So Mike drains the glass and then makes tracks for upstairs…but remembers to thank Rudy for taking him to town.

RUDY: Sure thing, pal… (When Mike leaves) That’s a fine boy you got there, Sam…

SAM: Yeah…yeah…

RUDY: Well…can I help you with the dishes, Flora?

FLORA: No, thanks…I got most of them done…

RUDY: Well, that being the case, I think I’ll go tinker on the car a little bit…

SAM: Okay, Rudy…

RUDY (slapping him on the back): See ya after a while, Sam…

Actor Glenn Ash’s Southern drawl is so strong—and he has a tendency to slur his words—that I honestly thought for a minute he told Sam and Flora “I think I’ll go tinkle on the car a little bit.”  So here’s the first indication that this script was already prepared with the Aunt Bee character in mind: Flora is tres concerned about Mike’s worship of Rudy, and this seems a little out of place, seeing as that she’s a mere domestic and all.

FLORA: Sam…it’s none of my business but I was thinking…it might be a good idea if you spent a little more time with Mike…

SAM: Aw, now Flora…look…this is just a phase the kid’s going through…somebody comes along…big hero…these things pass…

FLORA: Maybe…but you take my advice and do something about it before it goes too far…you know, Rudy seems to have a way of making life very interesting for Mike…now there’s no reason why you can’t make it just as interesting…

Yeah…it’s a regular world of wonder at Goober’s gas station…Emmett’s fix-it shop…or heaven forfend, Howard’s office… (“Now, Mike…those decals are only temporary until the paperwork has been checked rigorously and passes muster with the State Utility Commission…”)  But seriously…we don’t even know who this Flora person is, and all of a sudden she’s qualified to be giving Sam child-rearing advice?  (Actually, I have a theory that Flora is an old pal of Aunt Bee’s from “Camp Cupcake” the time Bee was doing a solicitation rap.)  As Sam takes time to reflect on Flora’s advice, it’s time for a General Foods commercial.

In one of the earliest Mayberry R.F.D. episodes I tackled here on the blog, “Youth Takes Over,” I mentioned in passing a short created by filmmaker David Bright entitled Why Come There Ain’t No Black People in Mayberry (2008)—which takes public domain episode footage from The Andy Griffith Show and humorously twists it into a Twilight Zone-ish tale in which an African-American is dropped into TV Land’s favorite small town.  Of course, the title of Bright’s project is a bit of a misnomer (actor Rockne Tarkington appeared in a TAGS episode playing Opie’s football coach) but for the most part, Mayberry was a lily-white preserve during that series’ eight-season run.  Things have of course dramatically changed on R.F.D.—a couple of black characters have turned up in “Youth” and also in “Driver’s Education”…but both of them are ultimately revealed to be related to the town’s token black regular, Ralph Barton (Charles Lampkin).  This is why I was sort of amused by this next sequence, in which Sam and Mike are kicking around Mayberry because you can clearly see several African-American extras in the background…and I speculated that they were probably all related to Ralph in some way.

There’s Ralph’s uncle on the bench…

Ralph’s father walking past Sam and Mike (he was still with us at the time that screen cap was taken)…

And that must be the heretofore unseen Mrs. Ralph…well, enough sociology for today—back to the episode!

SAM: Well…let’s see now, Mike…we’ve…uh…looked at the new puppies in the pet shop window…

“Pa…did you notice Mr. Smithers looks an awful lot like Rudy?”

SAM: …watched the girls’ softball team practice…what would you like to do now?

MIKE: Gee, I don’t know, Pa…

“How about watching the girls’ softball team shower?”

SAM: Well, uh…let’s see…I think there’s a matinee at the movies—you wanna catch that?

MIKE: I saw that picture last year…it’s a re-release…

SAM: Oh…well…we won’t let that bother us, will we?  Fortunately in a town like Mayberry, there’s plenty to do and see…

“Hey…I think today is the day that Goober cleans the restrooms at the gas station!”  No, Mike’s reaction to that line is kind of funny…he looks around in both directions and then asks Sam: ”Where?”

SAM: Well, uh…uh…I’ll tell ya what…when I’m in the council office, you’re always pestering me to use the typewriter…you can go in there and fool with it all you want—how ‘bout that?

MIKE: Okay…

With the same enthusiasm one would devote to a dentist appointment, Mike decides to kill the rest of the afternoon with the typewriter…but he’s also been promised “a big surprise” by his father, so he’s pretty jazzed when Sam returns to the city council office:

MIKE: What is it?

SAM (laughing, with both hands behind his back): Guess!

MIKE: I can’t guess!

SAM: Well…ta-dum!!! (He reveals an ice cream cone in each hand) A Rudy Harwell Special!

MIKE (scowling slightly): What are those flavors?

SAM: Maple walnut and banana…here… (He hands one to Mike)

MIKE: That’s not a Rudy Harwell special!

SAM: Well, there are two scoops…

MIKE: A Rudy Harwell Special…is tutti-frutti and chocolate marshmallow…

Oh, Samuel…epic fail, dude.

SAM: Well, uh…maybe you’d like to try this…

MIKE: I never heard of maple walnut and banana…

I’m amazed that there’s more than one kind of ice cream at Mayberry’s drugstore, to be honest.  Sam’s next line is funnier if you hear Ken Berry’s delivery…he sort of grits his teeth and enunciates each word in anger: “Tell me this…would you like me to go get you the official, world-renowned Rudy Harwell special?  Consisting of one scoop of chocolate marshmallow and one scoop of tutti-frutti, huh?”

“No thanks,” replies Mike.  “I don’t feel like an ice cream cone.”  Ungrateful little… So there’s Sam, standing there like a doofus with two melting cones in each hand (“It’s dripping,” Mike helpfully points out) and he’s forced to dump both of them in a trash can.  Mike sort of does a funny eye-roll that I tried to get a decent screen cap of but this was the best I could do.  A sticky Sam and his son then leave the office, and we cut to Rudy Harwell, the man himself, tossing bushel baskets of corn into the back of a truck as if they were bushel baskets of corn.  Flora arrives on the scene with some refreshments.

FLORA: I brought you some lemonade…and cake…

RUDY: Well, that’s mighty thoughtful of ya…all this and a pretty face to go with it… (Flora titters) A man can’t ask for hardly more than that…

I’ll bet if Flora had money we’d be hearing the strains of The Merry Widow right about now…

FLORA: Well, is everything going all right?

RUDY: Oh, fine…fine…Sam and Mike went into town, didn’t they?

FLORA: Yes…they’re very close, you know…

RUDY: Mm-hmm…that’s the way it should be…a boy and his pa…

FLORA: I was wondering…do you plan to stay on after the crop is in?

RUDY: Well, I plan on stayin’ on as long as Sam wants me…this is the best livin’ I’ve done in a long time…

The lines written for Flora are clearly Aunt Bee-like…though if Aunt Bee was here, that cake Rudy’s eating would have enough rat poison in it to fell a nanny goat, and there’d be a cut to a scene of Bee planting his ass in the south forty.  Rudy tells Flora that his plans to stay on will rest entirely on Sam, and so she excuses herself to go back into the house to start dinner.  (She also subtly reminds Rudy that Sam and Mike will be home soon because “they’re very close, you know.”)

Back in town, Sam and Mike—hey!  I think that’s Ralph’s cousin behind Sam.  You know, the one who’s been out of work and has…well, that’s really not important.  Standing outside the hobby shop, Sam reflects on the swell day he had palling around with Mike:

SAM: You know, Mike…we…we ought to do this more often—we had a lot of fun today, huh?

MIKE: Yeah… (Pause) Pa?

SAM: Yeah?

MIKE: If we’ve had enough fun now…do you think we could go home?

SAM (crestfallen): Oh…well…yeah…yeah, I guess…

MIKE: Rudy sort of half-promised I could wash his car…

Well, there’s no reason not to let the little essobee practice for his future vocation, Sam.  But “Rudy’s car” gives Sam an inspiration: spotting a model car kit that looks similar to Rudy’s in the hobby shop window, he suggests to Mike that they buy it and work on it together in the confines of Casa del Jones.

So the assembly begins around the kitchen table…and although this might be my own personal prejudice peeking through, I hated model kit building when I was a kid.  The cars I put together never looked the way they were supposed to on the boxes they came in, the instructions were generally deciphered from the original Mandarin Chinese, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  Mike wants to put the car together without instructions (“Harold and I put together two aircraft carriers…and we never read the instructions”)—which is the time-honored Shreve method (my family never reads the instructions unless sparks start emanating from the device in question)—but Sam is a stickler for detail.  Unfortunately, these sorts of shenanigans invariably result:

SAM: This is gonna be a beaut…now watch this…glue these two together…like that!  See!

MIKE: Pa!

SAM: What?

MIKE (reading): “Warning…before gluing Number 3 to Number 2…assemble Four, Five and Six as one unit…and install Motor Seven to Number Twelve…”

SAM: What?

MIKE: You already glued Number Three…

SAM: Yeah, I know…I know…

MIKE (taking the model in his hands and attempting to pry the pieces apart): It’s sticky…

Like your bed sheets.

SAM: Here…here…we’re just going to pry Number Three loose and assemble Four, Five and Six like it says…

MIKE: While you’re doing that—can I go watch television?

SAM: No you cannot…you’re gonna stay right here!  I said it was going to be fun building this thing together and that’s just what it’s going to be!

Hoopy doopy, we have fun.  Sam and Mike almost have the vehicle assembled but they’re having difficulty finishing the project…but thanks to Rudy, who recognizes the car (“Hey, that’s a 440 Magnum Superstop!”), he makes the necessary adjustment to the model and once again emasculates Sam in front of his kid.  All Flora can do is look sad and concerned in an Aunt Bee-like fashion.  Mike doesn’t even want to play with the car, preferring to help Rudy look for more bushel baskets…causing Flora to continue looking sad and concerned.

RUDY: You sure you wouldn’t rather play with your model now that you and your Dad finished it?

MIKE: Oh, I can play with that anytime, Rudy…come on!

A pensive Rudy then realizes that he’s got to make the big gesture and patch things up with Sam and Mike…or else he’s going to discover that the little brat has stowed away in the trunk of his car about the time he gasses up in Knoxville.

We dissolve to a shot of Mike hunched over his homework at the dinner table.

MIKE: I don’t think I’m ever going to get this…

FLORA (entering the room carrying dishes): What’s that, Mike?

MIKE: An assignment the teacher gave us…it’s a composition…it’s real important, ‘cause we have to write it in ink…

FLORA: Well, what kind of composition?

MIKE: Well, the title is “My Goal in Life”…it’s gonna be 150 words…

“I don’t even know 150 words…”

FLORA: My, that does sound important…

MIKE: Do you think you could help me with it?

Flora fobs on Mike an excuse that she’s got dinner to prepare but suggests it might be more a more appropriate assignment for a man (manly homework!), and further advocates that Mike ask the man who’s been putting food on the table and clothes on his back for all of his nine years on this planet…his father, S…S…Sam, I think his name is.  Flora tells the kid Sam’s upstairs in his room, and as Mike prepares to ascend the stairs, he stops to ask Flora if Rudy is upstairs as well.  Flora says yes, and seems dejected when Mike leaves.

So Mike is at a crossroads in his life, represented by this “lady or the tiger” scenario.  The door on Mike’s left (our right) belongs to his father…who represents calm stability and rural wisdom, even if he is trapped in a town populated by yahoos.  The opposite door is Rudy’s room…and Rudy represents…well, let me put it this way—who would you rather hang out and have a beer with?  Downstairs, Flora hears a door open and close…and though she really has no way of knowing which room Mike went into, she seems awfully distraught (and more than a little nosey, if you ask me).

MIKE: …and on account it’s such an important composition and all…I thought maybe you could help me…

RUDY: “My Goal in Life,” huh?

MIKE: Yeah…

RUDY: And you want me to help you with it…

MIKE: Well, I figured you’ve done so many neat things…you’d probably know what a kid’s goal should be…

RUDY: Well…maybe I can help you…you say it’s a real tough composition, huh?

MIKE: Right!

RUDY: Well, when’s it due?

MIKE: Tomorrow…

RUDY: Tomorrow…well…I’ll tell ya the way ol’ Rudy’d work it…tomorrow when you wake up, just pretend you’re sick…that way you won’t have to go to school, and you can get out of the whole deal!

Day-amn, Rudy!  You are a genius, my racecar driving friend.

MIKE: Gosh, I can’t do that!  I’d be lying!

“Like a rug, my young dunce cap…like a rug.”

MIKE: Anyway, the teacher would make me do it the next day…

RUDY: So that’s the way she plays it, huh?

MIKE: Those are the rules…

RUDY: Hey!

MIKE: You gotta an idea?

RUDY: Who’s the smartest kid in your class?

Please take note that Rudy knew to ask Mike this question without once assuming any other possibility.

MIKE: Rodney Simms…

RUDY: Well, here’s what we do…just give Rodney half-a-dollar and have him write your composition along with his!

Rudy…buddy…promise me that you’ll never use that brain of yours for evil.

MIKE: Gee, I can’t do that!  I’m supposed to write it myself…

Here’s why Mike is—to borrow a definition from TDOY commenter rockfish—“the anti-Opie.”  Opie would actually consider doing something like this (he probably wouldn’t bother with the fifty cents crap, though…he’d just pummel Rodney into submission).  Mike’s too much of a weenie.

MIKE: Well…I just thought you could help me get it started…

RUDY: Well…you gotta write it yourself… (Mike nods) Well—why don’t you just take the easy way out?  Just write you don’t have any goal in life…you don’t wanna plan your life like a road map—you just wanna play it cool and see what comes along…

MIKE (whining): But that’s not what the teacher wants!

Kee-rist, this kid is pathetic.  Apologizing for taking up too much of his time (like a drifter has appointments to keep), he takes his leave of Rudy the Wastrel and walks across the hall to his father’s bedroom.  Downstairs, snoopy Flora is eavesdropping again, but she seems to suspect that Mike has now turned to his father for help, which is as it should be…a boy and his pa.

MIKE: You know, I tried to ask Rudy about the composition…and he wasn’t much help…

SAM: He wasn’t?

MIKE: No…he told me to take the easy way out…or even cheat!

SAM: He did that?

MIKE: Yeah…well…Rudy’s okay for some things…but when it comes to the important stuff, he’s not like you at all…

Rudy is listening to this last part of the conversation outside the door with a big ol’ sh*t-eatin’ grin on his face.  Satisfied that his work here is done, he continues down the hallway and downstairs…where he presumably enjoys a quickie before dinner with the voluptuous Flora.

Coda time!

Emmett enters Sam’s council office and angrily slams the iron down on Sam’s desk.  “This thing oughta work for you now,” he snarls.

EMMETT: Hey, Sam…I hear that new hired hand of yours took off this morning and left you flat…

SAM: No, no, no…he didn’t leave me flat, Emmett…corn crop is in, that’s what I hired him for in the first place…

EMMETT: Yeah, but you kind of expected him to stay on, didn’t ya?

SAM: No…that was entirely up to him…although he didn’t give me any reason for leaving…

EMMETT: Well…I guess Mike sure misses him…he had a great personality…kid couldn’t help likin’ him…you know…race driver…flyer…big man like that…

SAM: Well, you know I’m not so sure how Mike feels about him now…uh…Mike asked Rudy for some help on a composition for school…and you’d be surprised at some of the answers Rudy gave him…

EMMETT: Is that a fact?

SAM: Yeah…kind of crazy…I mean, I just can’t understand why a sharp guy like Rudy would give Mike such bad advice…it was…it was so bad, that Mike came right to me…and…

Boiiiiinnngggg!!! Yeah…he gets it now.

EMMETT: What’s the matter?

SAM: You said…Rudy was a big man, Emmett?

EMMETT: Yeah…

SAM: It just occurred to me that he might be a bigger man than we thought…

Say it with me now: “Awww…”

There’s going to be a little controversy with this week’s episode and Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™, which calculates the number of appearances made by Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor on this series during her official two season stint from 1968-70.  Now, obviously she’s not in this episode…but if you look up “The New Farmhand” at the (always reliable) IMDb, you’ll see that they’ve included it among her R.F.D. appearances…taking care to place a little “(credit only)” asterisk beside Frances Bavier’s name.  I have no explanation for this other than…brace yourselves…the IMDb is flatly wrong.  Her name doesn’t appear in the opening credits of this episode, only Ken Berry’s and George Lindsey’s.  So the total count still stands at three appearances for Season Two…fifteen show-ups in toto.  But be of good cheer, Aunt Bee fans—she returns from helping her sister in the Mountain State next week…unfortunately, it is in time for the agonizingly dull Palm Springs story arc that I have been warning you good people about for some time now.

On an editorial note—I have to admit that I enjoyed Glenn Ash (also spelled Glen) more as pet shop tycoon Harvey Smithers in “The Pet Shop” than I did his turn in this episode.  Ash sort of fell off the radar in the 1980s (here’s a link to a postcard announcing a tour he appeared on with country music vocalists Charly McClain and T.G. Sheppard) but before that he was a well-known comedian-musician who began his career performing in Air Force Command Performance shows…then West Virginia’s own Don Knotts introduced him to TV audiences on a March 16, 1968 episode of the variety series The Hollywood Palace.  Guest shots on series like Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., Petticoat Junction and The Leslie Uggams Show followed, and his Don Knotts connection landed him a role on the short-lived The New Andy Griffith Show in 1971 (as city councilman Buff McKnight).  He turned up a few times on series like M*A*S*H, Hart to Hart and Three’s Company after that (he even had an “Old Home Week” moment in 1987 working with Ken Berry in an episode of Mama’s Family) and his last known IMDb credit was in a 1993 TV-movie, Blindsided.  One credit that has escaped the notice of IMDb however, is this appearance on Norm Crosby’s Comedy Shop—you can get an idea of what his nightclub act was like by clicking here (Glenn is introduced at the 8:26 mark).  (And for you postcard completists, here’s one announcing Glenn’s appearance with Mr. Griffith himself and Frankie Avalon in 1975.)