Mayberry Tuesdays #21: “The Pet Shop” (02/24/69, prod. no. 0123)

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear returns for another week of Mayberry Mon…er, Tuesdays goodness, with that now iconic program opening of city council head and poor-but-honest dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) playing a game of catch with his progeny, Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster). This father-and-son bonding moment (which comes to a momentary halt when Mike enthusiastically heaves the baseball at the window of a tool shed) carries over to this week’s episode—which finds Jones pere and fils strolling down Mayberry’s main thoroughfare (with Sam receiving sympathetic looks from passersby because he sired such a doofus) until they spot a man (Glenn Ash) clad in flannel shirt and jeans putting up a sign that reads “Opening soon: Harvey’s Pet Shop.”

MIKE: Hey, look, Pa—there’s gonna be a pet shop…
HARVEY: Why, there sure is, Sonny…
SAM: Well…I’m always glad to see a new business in town…hi—my name’s Sam Jones…
HARVEY: Hi! Harvey Smithers… (He vigorously shakes Sam’s hand)
SAM: Well…welcome to Mayberry, Harvey…hope you do real well with pet your shop here…
HARVEY: Why, thank you, Sam…this your boy?

“My boy? Never seen him before in my life. But if you’re interested in adopting him, I think I might be able to help you make the proper arrangements…”

SAM: Where you from, Harvey?
HARVEY: Oh, we had a pet shop over in Blue Hill…did real well, but it’s …not the town that Mayberry is…not by a long shot…

“I should also mention that I ended up being exonerated in that disappearing pets investigation by the Blue Hill D.A…”

HARVEY: …wife and I decided that if the business was gonna grow, we’d have to move to a bigger town…
SAM: Well, I…think that’s a wise decision…
HARVEY: Yeah…’course, she was a little leery to make the move…comin’ to a big place like this…she always said that Mayberry was a nice place, but she wouldn’t want to live here…

A sentiment Sam is probably well familiar with, I’m guessing.

SAM: Oh…she’ll get used to it…
HARVEY: Yeah…soon as she learns her way around…gets used to the tempo…

Hey—it could be worse. She could be living in a town with two stoplights, like my former stomping grounds of Ravenswood, WV. Harvey seems like a nice guy (although he strikes me more as the kind of guy who’s more apt to try and sell you a tractor than a family pet) and Mike seems quite excited by the prospect of Mayberry’s new Petsmart:

MIKE: Sure is going to be nice to have a pet shop in town…
SAM: Yeah, sure is…
MIKE: Give people a chance to buy pets…
SAM: Yeah, that’s right…
MIKE: Can I buy a pet, Pa?
SAM: Oh…I don’t see why not…as long as it’s something that doesn’t take a lot of care, like a turtle or a fish…or a duck…something like that…
MIKE: How about a dog?

At this point in the conversation, Sam invites his son to have a seat on the bus depot bench (and I was sort of surprised that Emmett didn’t have his butt already parked on it) and explains to Mike why allowing him to have a dog would be a very bad idea. Sam has not forgotten about the time when Mike agreed to look after Harold’s dog—Harold being the little mook that we affectionately refer to as “Fishface” here at TDOY—while Harold tried to find out where his family went on vacation and Sam ended up doing all the work himself.

SAM: You didn’t keep him clean, you didn’t feed him on time…I wound up doing all that…
MIKE: Well, I’m a little older now, Pa…
SAM: Well…not that much older…

And not that much smarter, either.

SAM: Now…when I feel that you’re old enough to have a dog and really take care of him…then we’ll talk about it again, okay?
MIKE: Okay…

As the sad music starts to play, I couldn’t help but think: “You know, the perfect dog for this kid would be a dog like Lassie, since Lassie really wouldn’t have to depend on the kid to take care of her…it’d be more like the other way around.” Of course, the drawback with Lassie is that if Mike got lost or fell into a well, the collie’s instincts to run and get help would kick in, and that wouldn’t help us viewers out at all.

There’s a dissolve to the Grand Opening of Harvey’s pet shop and look…cute puppies!

Okay, that’s enough of that…we’ve got a plot to get to…

HARVEY: Hey—you’re Sam Jones’ boy…
MIKE: Yes, sir…I’m dropping in like you told me to…
HARVEY: Well, good! Just look around—got anything in the world you could think of…

Turtles for twenty-five cents…he’s giving them away!

HARVEY: …got turtles over here, put your name on ‘em…got hamsters—you oughta see ‘em jump up and down on that treadmill…goldfish—come from Australia…fuzzy hamsters…

You said hamsters already, Harv…

HARVEY: …cats, birds…all kinds of parakeets…dogs…you like dogs?
MIKE: They’re nice…
HARVEY: Poodles…terriers…daschund…every breed you can think of…

Hokey smoke, Bullwinkle! It’s Tramp, the family dog from My Three Sons! That evil pet shop owner has somehow managed to capture him and is planning to re-sell him to make a tidy profit!

MIKE (noticing the Tramp-like dog): What about him?
HARVEY: Oh, he’s a mixed breed…

Or to use the more politically correct nomenclature…Mutt-American.

HARVEY: Every now and then we get a…customer in…rather have one of them than a pure breed…price is low…gotta have a bargain counter, even in a pet shop…

Okay, so apparently he’s not planning to re-sell Tramp for a tidy profit…Mike takes a liking to the dog, commenting “Sure is a good little mutt, all right…” Meanwhile the dog is probably thinking: “Goddam it, get Uncle Charley on the phone and have him go my bail!”

MIKE: Mr. Smithers…aren’t you gonna hire anybody to work with you?
HARVEY: Well, yeah…I sorta figured to…soon as I get things organized around here a little bit…have somebody feed the pets and help clean up a little bit…
MIKE: Could I have a job? I can work every day after school and Saturdays…

What, no Sundays? What do you think this is, Chick-Fil-A?

HARVEY: Well…tell you what, Mike…you strike me as a boy who’s short on size…

“…and short on brains…”

HARVEY: …but long on goals…did you ever work before?
MIKE: No, sir…

"Pa said that if anyone asked about the sweatshop I should just dummy up..."

HARVEY: Well, then…don’t you think it might be a…idea as to whether your pa would want you to or not?
MIKE: Yes, sir…
HARVEY: Might think you’re a little young… (Mike nods his head yes) Tell you what…you ask him…and if he says okay, we got a deal…

Mike is beside himself with excitement at the prospect of making twenty-five cents an hour cleaning up animal poop…but because his father may not be thrilled by the prospect, he decides to run it by Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) for practice:

AUNT BEE: You’re a little late getting home from school, aren’t you?
MIKE: I…I had some business on the way…

“This shaking-down-younger-kids-for-their-milk-money-racket doesn’t run itself, you know…”

AUNT BEE: Oh…
MIKE: Aunt Bee…if a fellow’s going to learn to work…he can’t start too early, can he?
AUNT BEE: No—the earlier the better…
MIKE: Well…if I was to get a job after school and Saturdays…

There he goes with the Chick-Fil-A hours again…

MIKE: …you wouldn’t be sore, would you?
AUNT BEE: Well, it wouldn’t be up to me, it’d be up to your father…
MIKE: I don’t know he’s going to like the idea…
AUNT BEE: Well, what’s the job?
MIKE: Working in Mr. Smithers’ new pet shop—it’d be educational as well as profitable…
AUNT BEE: Well, I don’t see why he should object…
MIKE: Well, you know Pa—he can think up all kinds of reasons…maybe you can help me!
AUNT BEE: Oh, no…no, Mike…I would never interfere between you and your father, if that’s what you’re suggesting…no…no…never…not for a minute…

Wait for it…

AUNT BEE (writing out checks as Sam reads the evening paper): You know, Opal Riley’s half-brother was a great disappointment to the whole family…it was just a pity, that’s all…
SAM: What was?
AUNT BEE: Well, the way the poor man wasted his whole life…and it wasn’t his fault…he just wasn’t trained to work…

Check out the sh*t-eating grin on Idiot Boy here…you can just read what he’s thinking: “Day-amm, but that old lady is one crafty dame…”

SAM: Well, I’m sorry to hear that…even though I never knew Opal Riley’s half-brother…
AUNT BEE: Of course, the father thought he was doing the right thing, you know, by sheltering the boy…but the way it turned out, he was totally unprepared to meet the world when he grew up…
MIKE: I want to be prepared to meet the world when I grow up, Pa…
SAM: Uh-huh…well, the best way to do that is get back over there and stay with that homework…

Nice parry, Samuel…but I wouldn’t crack open that victory can of Budweiser just yet…

MIKE: Well…if I had a part-time job…and did my schoolwork along with it…I’d really be prepared…

Keep in mind that while fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) and village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) practice idiocy almost as a religion, Sam’s got a bit more Moxie on the ball…and has seen through this transparent charade as easily as one of the bedroom windows belonging to his girlfriend Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), chief counter girl at Boysinger’s Bakery.

SAM: Aunt Bee…what are you and Mike cooking up here?
AUNT BEE: Oh, nothing…nothing…I haven’t anything to say one way or the other…if Mike wants to get a job after school, that’s between the two of you…
SAM: Oh, ho-ho…ho…ho…wait a minute…what’s this job you’re talking about?
AUNT BEE: Mr. Smithers’ pet shop…after school and on Saturdays…

You know, by closing on Sundays you’re really missing out on the “Let’s-buy-a-hamster-after-services” crowd. I’m just sayin’…

SAM: Aw…now, Mike…don’t you think you’ve got all you can handle with your schoolwork and your chores around here?

“And let’s face it, son…you’re not the brightest Crayola in the box…”

AUNT BEE: Well, I just thought I’d mention it…
SAM: All right…all right…it’s okay with me…you can take the job, but on one condition…

“You get your own place…’cause I’m sick of looking at your toothy mug…” No, Sam makes Mike promise to keep his grades up, and Mike is so grateful that his father is going to allow him to enter the workforce in clear violation of the child labor laws that he runs upstairs in glee…forgetting that his schoolwork is still on the table downstairs. Sam, of course, takes the time to point out this fox paw, and Aunt Bee is pleased as punch. “Well, I’m glad you two got that settled…”

There is a scene dissolve, and Smilin’ Harvey Smithers—“Man’s best friend next to the dog”—presents Mike with his first paycheck, which means the little creep is about to learn how all his hard work results in most of it going to some guy named “FICA.” Harv asks Mike what he thinks of the “new pups” he’s added to the inventory and the kid responds in the affirmative: “The only trouble is, you get to be friends with one of them and they get sold.”

The exception to this rule is the inmate depicted here—and Mike is despondent that no one has bought Tramp yet. “Well, Mike,” posits Harvey, “mutts just don’t move too fast.” (Especially stolen ones.)

HARVEY: How about you? I’d give him to you if you really wanted him…
MIKE: No…my father doesn’t want me to have a dog for at least another year…
HARVEY: Oh…
MIKE: I wish somebody would buy him…so he wouldn’t spend his whole life in a cage…

“Well, who knows—maybe one of these days,” Harvey muses, oblivious to the fact that he could damn well set the dog free if he so desired...and as Mike gravitates to another section of the store, he gives out with a little sneeze. (Pay close attention to this. It is a very important plot point.) The bell on the shop’s front door starts to ring, signaling the arrival of a customer—and it’s none other than pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson)!

HOWARD: Are you Harvey Smithers?
HARVEY: That’s me—all the way…
HOWARD (extending his hand for a shake): I’m Howard Sprague, the county clerk…
HARVEY: Howdy!
HOWARD: I’m sorry I couldn’t get over here sooner, but I wanted to join my fellow citizens of Mayberry in saying welcome to our city…
HARVEY: Why, that’s mighty nice of you, Howard…

Oh, sure—Harvey’s probably thinking he’s made a new friend, seeing as Howard is quite gregarious and gracious in his welcoming. Once he gets to know him better, however, Harvey will start doing what everybody in Mayberry does upon Howard’s arrival…look for an excuse to do something in the back room of the store.

HOWARD: You know, I’d kind of like to…get the ball rolling by making a small purchase…
HARVEY: Oh yeah? Well, whatcha have in mind? Rabbit? Cat? Dog? If it’s got four legs, we got it…
HOWARD (gazing inside the parakeets’ cage): Well, what about these little fellows here? They’ve only got two legs…
HARVEY: Well, you could…buy two of ‘em…

Whoa! I’m starting to see how Blue Hill became the spot for North Carolina’s pet-buying needs, and how indeed fortunate it was for Mayberry that Harvey and the wife decided to put down stakes …at this point in the conversation, Mike the Idiot Boy is out on the showroom floor, and he decides to use the patented Smithers “hard sell” to get rid of that contraband dog in the shop.

MIKE: I was just thinking…if you’re in here to buy a pet, we’ve got an awful good dog that needs a home…
HOWARD: Oh, you do? Well, what breed of dog is he?
MIKE: Well, that’s the good thing about him…he’s not just one breed—with him you get maybe five or six…
HOWARD: Oh…well, he-e-e-e’s a nice little dog, but…I had in mind a more interesting pet…now you take the Norwegian woodpecker… there’s an interesting pet…

“Beautiful plumage, innit?”

HARVEY: Yeah?
HOWARD: …did you know that the ancient Vikings of Norway used the woodpecker as a signaling device?

“Um…hey, I just remembered some stock I left unattended in the back room…” Harvey tries to steer Howard toward the purchase of one of the parakeets, arguing: “Well, a bird’s a wonderful pet—they’ll never turn on you.” (I guess he never got around to seeing the Hitchcock film.) Pointing out that the lowly parakeet also hails from the Land Down Under, it doesn’t take much to convince Howard to splurge on the budgie, which he then takes over to Sam to show off:

HOWARD: Well, I just wanted you to get a look at him…I knew you’d get the same bang out of him that I do…
SAM: Oh, yeah…sure do, Howard…
HOWARD: Well, I…I better get him on home so that he can get used to his new surroundings…
SAM: Yeah…probably a good idea…I’ll see you later…
HOWARD (he gets ready to leave, but stops short): Oh—I ran into Mike over in the pet shop…

I’ll bet that was painful. (Oh, like you people don’t use that joke in real life.)

SAM: Oh?
HOWARD: Yeah… (Chuckling) Wonderful kid…tried to sell me a dog…
SAM: Yeah, well, he’s workin’ over there now, you know…
HOWARD: Yeah, but to me, Sam…well…I…I don’t know how to say it, but…well, a dog…you…well…a dog is just a dog…
SAM: Yeah, well, I…couldn’t agree with you more, Howard…

Look, Howard—don’t get on your high horse about this whole thing. Mike wants to sell that dog in the worst way…he’ll even push him to the first Korean family that comes along if need be. And if there’s no family available, then how about this smokin’ hot bakery blonde who just came in the front door?

MIKE (brushing out Tramp): You know, this is the best dog in the place…
MILLIE: Is it?
MIKE: Yeah…of course, he’s different—you buy a pure breed, and your dog’s going to look like all others…but he’s one of a kind…no other dog looks like him…
MILLIE: Uh…Mike, I didn’t come in here to buy a dog…I-I’d love one, but I’m at the bakery all day…I-I-I just came in to look around…
MIKE: This dog’s never gonna get a home…
MILLIE: Is that why you want to sell him so badly? (Mike nods yes) Why don’t you ask your father—maybe he’ll buy him for you?
MIKE: Dad doesn’t want me to have a dog for at least another year…

Poor kid…you know, if I were you, I wouldn’t stand for that continued cruelty. I think you should run away from home! I’ll help you pack! Millie suggests that if Mike waits until Sam is in “a better mood” he might say yes to buying the dog…though you’d think a grownup like Millie would know that a lot of Sam’s good mood would depend on her if you know what I mean, and I think you do…

We then find ourselves back at stately Jones Manor, where Sam is coming downstairs for dinner and Mike waits for him at the bottom, inquiring as to his mood:

MIKE: How are you feelin’, Pa?
SAM: Oh…fair to middling, Mike…why?
MIKE: Are you in a good mood?
SAM: Oh, yeah—I’m in a good mood…
MIKE: Speaking of dogs…

Kee-rist…that kid is as subtle as a sledgehammer to the frontal lobe…Mike, how about letting an expert in getting men to bend to her will help you out…

SAM: Look, it’s got nothing to do with my mood, Mike…we’ve been through this thing before…
MIKE: He’d make a swell watchdog, Pa…
SAM: Mike…around here, there just isn’t that much for him to watch…
AUNT BEE: Well, you know, Sam, I was a little worried after you left the other day…I noticed two very suspicious-looking characters lurking down the road…
SAM: What?
AUNT BEE: Oh, yes—they were very evil-looking…they had on those dark blue suits…you know, with the pinstripes and dark shirts…they were really very frightening…

Sam still hasn’t signed on to Project Mongrel, so I guess we’ll have to bring in the big guns—Millie stops by at the dinner hour, and seeing as how she has already eaten she’ll just have a cup of coffee with Sam and Company…

MILLIE: D-Did I interrupt something?
AUNT BEE: No, no…we were just trying to find out why Sam hates dogs…
SAM: Now I didn’t say that! All I said was…
MILLIE: Sam! I didn’t know you were a dog hater…
SAM: All right! Now I’m not gonna make a federal case out of it…I am not a dog hater…I love dogs… (Pointing to Mike) And if you want to have one… (To Aunt Bee) And if you and Mike want to take care of it…and feed it… (Resignedly) Okay…

Talk about being whipped. So Mike is allowed to buy the dog, and happy looks on the faces of Sam and Aunt Bee are due to the fact that there’s not a more wonderful sight that a boy playing with his dog…and the dog, having tangled with a rabid squirrel, ends up going Cujo on the kid’s ass. (Okay, I made that part up.)

SAM: Well…we’re protected now, in case any strangers in pinstriped suits start hanging around…
AUNT BEE (realizing what Sam is referring to): Oh…oh, yes…yes! Well, they won’t be bothering us with the dog around…good riddance to them, that’s what I think...

Mike and the dog run up onto the porch, and Aunt Bee looks at him worriedly. “Mike—what’s that on your face?” (That is his face.)

It would appear that young Master Jones has a blemish on his saintly countenance, which is Aunt Bee’s cue to look sad and concerned. “Doesn’t his face look blotchy to you?” she asks his father.

SAM: Well…it could be from rolling around in the grass…
AUNT BEE: No…I don’t think so…
MIKE (running into the house): Come on, Fritz!
SAM: Gee, I hope he’s not coming down with something…
AUNT BEE: It looks a little like the measles…but he’s had them, hasn’t he?
SAM: Oh, yeah…in all languages…

Because Mike’s face continues to get “blotchier,” Aunt Bee takes him to the doctor…and upon their return, we learn that Michael…is the victim of a horrible, flesh-eating virus!!!

No, hold your applause…I’m making things up again…he’s just allergic to the damn dog.

SAM: Aw, gee, Mike…that’s too bad…
AUNT BEE: He could outgrow the allergy in time but right now…well…
SAM: So…he has to go back, huh?
MIKE: Back to the cage…
AUNT BEE: Oh, Sam…there must be somebody who could give him a home and take care of him…

I know what you’re thinking…’cause I thought the same thing; that they were talking about Mike and not the dog. Aunt Bee asks Sam if Emmett could adopt the dog but that’s no solution because Mrs. Emmett—Martha (Mary Lansing)—has a cat. Aunt Bee suggests Howard—but notice how Goober never enters the picture, and it’s because he would be incapable of taking care of anything with an I.Q. higher than his.

MIKE: I tried to sell him to Howard…but he said Fritz wasn’t interesting enough…he’s in there every noon talking to Mr. Smithers talking about that bird…

“Beautiful bird, lovely plumage!”

SAM: Well, Howard…seems to take the intellectual approach to animals…
AUNT BEE: That so…? Intellectual approach…

You can almost see the light bulb above Bee’s head, can’t you—in fact, I briefly considered PhotoShopping one in but does it look like I’m not lazy? Sam tells Mike and Aunt Bee that he’ll take the dog back to Smithers’ pet store but Bee interjects and announces that she can do it since she has some errands to run anyway. We then cut to the pet shop, where Howard is torturing its owner with the news that he’s discovered the only reason it’s been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

HOWARD: Yes, sir…I turned up some real eye-openers at the library yesterday…for instance, I’ll bet you didn’t know that Pancho Villa—a very tough hombre in old Mexico—was a bird lover…?
HARVEY: No, sir…I didn’t know that…

“Nor do I give a hairy rat’s ass…get the @#$! out of my store before I get that restraining order!” Aunt Bee enters.

HOWARD: Heh…walkin’ Mike’s dog, I see…
AUNT BEE: No…no, Mr. Smithers…we’re just heartbroken but we have to return this lovely dog…
HOWARD: Oh, gee…that’s too bad…
HARVEY: Sure is…
AUNT BEE: And it’s a pity, because he’s the first…interesting dog we’ve ever had…

That woman is pure dagnasty evil. Aunt Bee explains to a skeptical Howard that she looked up the dog’s breed in the encyclopedia the night before and found it to be a Hungarian puli. “Hungarian puli’s a famous breed,” interrupts Harvey, “but he’s got other blood in him, I guarantee that.” Aunt Bee jumps on this quickly, adding that Fritz is also part “royal Scottish rabbit hound.”

HOWARD: You don’t say!
HARVEY: I didn’t know what I had here…
AUNT BEE: Interesting, isn’t it? You know, there’s so much more to this animal than just being a dog…

Howard’s taken the bait, and now all Aunt Bee has to do is reel him in. When he expresses interest in the mutt she dismisses him with: “Oh, no…no, Howard—I don’t think he’s for you…you see, I would want Mr. Smithers here to assure me that the person who did get this dog would have a…well, an intellectual approach to animals.”

“But that’s my whole bag, Aunt Bee,” Howard protests. (It’s my happening, baby—and it freaks me out!) Howard does everything by this point but whip out a checkbook to make the sale…but Aunt Bee cuts him a break and decides to give him the “royal Scottish rabbit hound” gratis. “Well, boy—I guess I’m your new daddy,” he burbles, grabbing the leash. (The management asks everyone to refrain from any “Who’s your daddy?” jokes, by the way.) As he heads out the door, Howard runs into Sam and excitedly shows off his new dog. Sam, upon hearing the dog’s “breeds,” looks at Aunt Bee with a mixture of fear and wonderment…and when she hurries on her way, she tells him not to be late for dinner. (I think that’s about the time I’d start advertising for a food taster in the Mayberry Gazette.)

The wrap-up to this is short and sweet: out at the Waltons’ barn, Sam tells Mike he doesn’t look as freakish as he did the day before, and the precocious little turd wants to know why he can’t find “royal Scottish rabbit hound” in his encyclopedia. “Do you think Aunt Bee made that up?” he asks.

On cue, Aunt Bee emerges from the back door with a plate of fresh-baked cookies. (You thought I was joking about that food taster thing, didn’t ya?)

MIKE: Aunt Bee—what’s a royal Scottish rabbit hound?
AUNT BEE: Well, it’s a hound that chases rabbits…for royal Scotsmen…
(She goes back into the house with the plate)
SAM: And the moral to that is—ask a silly question…
BOTH: …you get a silly answer…

“Oh, brother…close sesame…”

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-meter™ moves up a notch to ten this week, owing to Aunt Bee’s stellar work as the only woman in that town clever enough to outwit Howard “Check out my vocabulary” Sprague. Unfortunately, we had to do without the services of Mayberry’s favorite son Goober “Pull my finger” Pyle, who is curiously MIA for this episode…but you have my word that he will make a triumphant return in next week’s installment, “An Efficient Service Station.” Sorry about having to do this again on Tuesday this week, but when I hear the siren song of my mother’s barbecue ribs I am powerless to resist. (Oh, by the way—Glenn Ash, who emoted so well as pet shop magnate Harvey Smithers, returns for an encore in the second season R.F.D. episode, “The New Farmhand”…though he plays an entirely different character,)