…Arlene Golonka, best remembered as the lovely bakery goddess Millie Swanson on Mayberry R.F.D., has accepted my Facebook friend request. I expect the two of us will be dating any day now, and I don’t have to tell you what that means.
Perzactly…free donuts. I’m assuming that this is the real Arlene Golonka; sometimes it’s kind of hard to tell on Facebook. For example, I am chums with several notable celebrities on the popular social network: El Brendel, Bette Davis, Verna Felton and Ann Sothern, to name a few. However, I have it on reasonable authority that these individuals—though they live on in the hearts of their fans—are, for lack of a better description, dead. But there are a number of famous people who have not only managed to momentarily outwit the Grim Reaper but maintain a Facebook profile—I’d list a few of them but I don’t want to come across as a name dropper (and anyway, my sister Kat remains skeptical that these are the actual people; my only defense was “If you were going to be someone important, what are the odds that it would be Frank Bank from Leave it to Beaver?”)…but having Arlene accept me into her circle of friends was a real coup. (This may just be a guess on my part, but I’m betting she doesn’t read the blog.)Getting back to this week’s episode, I’m sure if you’re like me your first thought after reading the title was “Retiring from what?” Having invested the time to watch twenty-two episodes of the famed Andy Griffith Show spin-off, all I’ve ever observed fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) do is sit around monkeying with appliances that the good people of that town have been duped into thinking he can repair. However, from the amount of time the main characters spend lollygagging in his shop; one can only assume he’s providing a valuable civic service…namely, a crap game taking place in the back.
SAM: What’s going on?HOWARD: Don’t ask me…
GOOBER: Big mystery…
SAM: Yeah? (Chuckling) What’s up, Emmett?
EMMETT (taking down a large dish from a shelf and carrying it over to his workbench): Oh, hold your horses…
HOWARD: Come on, Emmett—look, I’ve got to get back to the office…
“Those paper clips don’t count themselves, you know…”
EMMETT: Okay…but you’re going to miss something that only happens once in a lifetime…
You’re bringing your wife to orgasm?
SAM: Well, I guess we can spare a couple of minutes for that…EMMETT: Please, fellas…this is a very solemn occasion…first, we set up the chafing dish… (Striking a match) Then we light the ol’ blowtorch…
GOOBER: I’ll bet it’s gonna be a magic trick…I just love magic tricks…
HOWARD: Emmett, look—I’ve got work to do…
EMMETT: It’s not a magic trick…now, first… (He walks back over to the counter and pick up a pile of paper) We glance through the morning mail…what do we have here…?
GOOBER (to Howard) Hey—I’ve seen this…he pulls a rabbit out of the chafing dish…
EMMETT: Looks like a letter from the bank…now, observe… (He sets the letter aflame with the blowtorch)
HOWARD: Emmett…what in the world are you doing?
EMMETT: Gentlemen…you are now witnessing that great American ceremony…known as…burning the mortgage…
HOWARD: Aww…
SAM: Hey…no kidding? Aw, that’s great, Emmett!
HOWARD: Yeah…
EMMETT: Yeah…that little ol’ house is now all free and clear…
HOWARD: Congratulations! Wonderful!
GOOBER: I should have known it wasn’t a trick—they always break an egg in there, too…
Well, this is certainly a happy occasion for Mr. Clark…all those years of hard…well, whatever the hell it is he does in that place have finally paid off. “It’s hard to believe that the day finally comes when you don’t have to make any more payments,” observes Sam. Howard and Goober then announce that they both have to return to work (it’s like Mayberry has gone crazy!) but before they leave, Emmett has even bigger news…
As you have no doubt guessed by the sign, Emmett is hanging out his “out-of-business” shingle and retiring to a life of leisure…although how that differs from what he does now is probably going to be the focus of this little morality tale. (Truth be told, the real surprise here is that he was able to spell everything correctly.)
SAM: You’re retiring?
EMMETT: Yep! No more nine-to-five for Emmett Clark!
I guess one of the side effects of retirement is premature senility—the only time Emmett was familiar with “nine-to-five” were the odds on a horse he once bet on in Raleigh.
HOWARD: He’s serious…
SAM: Well, Emmett—that sounds just great! What are you going to do?
EMMETT: What am I gonna do? Just everything I’ve always wanted to do…a little fishin’…take trips…read them great books…
Like the one about the whale and the crazy captain?
HOWARD: Well, more power to you, Emmett…
SAM: Well…we’re eating our hearts out…
HOWARD (sudden realization kicking in): Hey…that means I’m going to have to find a new tenant for the place here…
…and the crap game will have to be moved! Howard tries to remain philosophical, musing that “that’s just one of those problems you have when you’re a property owner.”
“Well, I’m givin’ you plenty of notice,” responds Emmett. “I’m not movin’ out till the weekend.” Goober then asks Emmett what Martha (Mary Lansing) thinks about this whole retirement deal, prompting him to remark: “Oh, we’ve been talking about it for years—she’s all for it!”
Oh, yeah…that’s the look of a woman who’s 100% behind the idea of her husband sitting on his ass all day and doing nothing. (Actually, Martha did kind of a semi-spit take with a glass of water but I couldn’t get a decent screen capture of it.)
MARTHA: You’re going to retire?!!!
EMMETT: Well…it’s what we’ve been talking about for years…as soon as we paid off the mortgage…we’ve got enough money to get by with…
MARTHA: Well, I know, but…
EMMETT: We’ll have a lot more time together…
I’m beginning to understand now why Emmett never went into sales…he sure seems to be having difficulty getting Martha on board with this retirement thing.
MARTHA: Well, that sounds wonderful, of course…I-I just hope you’re sure this is what you want…
EMMETT: Of course I’m sure…
MARTHA: Well, what are you going to do with all that free time?
EMMETT: Well…start livin’! Why do you ask a thing like that?
MARTHA: Well, I…I guess I keep thinking about Mr. Peabody…he hasn’t moved out of that rocking chair since he retired…
“…and had Sherman put to sleep…”
EMMETT: Well, that’s the whole point—he waited until it was too late…I’m still young enough to do things! Hikin’, skin divin’…
MARTHA: Skin diving?
EMMETT: Well…whatever… (He takes a sip of water) I’ll tell you one of the first things we’re gonna do…we’re gonna take a trip…
MARTHA: Oh? Well, where?
EMMETT: Now where have we always been talkin’ about? Washington, D.C…
“We’ll see the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, the White House…we’re gonna go first class, too—stay in a hotel and everything!” Emmett exclaims. It’s enough to make Martha forget momentarily that for the rest of his retirement Emmett will be hanging around the house yelling at kids to stay out of his yard. At the fix-it shop…or I should say, the former fix-it shop…Emmett is clearing out his things—and it’s interesting to note that with everything gone, the conversation in the shop has a sort of canyon-like echo to it…if you listen closely, you can hear the ghostly voices of Mayberry citizens from the past saying: “Papa needs a new pair of shoes…”EMMETT: I’ve got most of my stuff stored at home…you fellas can help yourself to the little odds-and-ends left around here…
HOWARD (studying the wall): Boy, you sure left enough nail holes in the wall… (He pulls a loose nail out)
EMMETT: Oh, Howard…you gotta repaint for the next tenant anyway…
HOWARD: Yes, but there’s still such a thing as a regard for another person’s property…
GOOBER (still studying the chafing dish): I bet I know how it works…they hide the rabbit in the lid…
Goober…let. It. Go.SAM: Well, I guess there’s nothing left to do but turn the ol’ key in the door, huh?
EMMETT: Yeah…plenty of good memories around here, all right…
“Do you guys remember that time when we decided not to go back to work and instead talked for hours about who was the better Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore or John Hart? Good times, good times…”
EMMETT: I’ll give ‘em a thought now and then when I’m hauling in the trout…
(He reaches over to the light fixture in the wall and begins to unscrew the bulb)
HOWARD: Hey, what are you doing?
EMMETT: Takin’ the light bulb…
HOWARD: Well, you can’t do that…the bulb’s part of the fixture, and the fixture’s attached to the wall…and that makes it part of the real property—it’s right in the lease… (He pulls out a sheath of papers to show Emmett, who takes the light bulb and sticks it in his shirt pocket)
EMMETT: I’ll tell you one thing I’m not going to miss…
EMMETT: Well…look out, world—here I come!
GOOBER: Is that all there is to it?
EMMETT: What do you mean?
GOOBER: I mean, ain’tcha gonna stand back and look at the shop or say some words or nothin’?
EMMETT: What for?
GOOBER: Well, a man winds up his life he ought to say somethin’…
EMMETT: I ain’t windin’ up my life! I’m just startin’ it!
SAM: I think what Goob means is that you’re probably going to be at loose ends for a little while…
EMMETT: I ain’t gonna be at loose ends at all!
GOOBER: Now you’re gettin’ grumpy like ol’ Mr. Peabody…
EMMETT: I am not grumpy! I’m makin’ a smart move, and you guys are too blind to see it!
Sam reassures Emmett that he, Goob and Howard think his retirement is swell and that what they’re feeling is nothing more than a twinge of jealousy…he also wishes Emmett well on his impending Washington excursion. Emmett exclaims: “We’re going to enjoy every minute of it—and I’m going to take time to see everything I want, ‘cause one thing I’ve got plenty of is time.”
At this point in our narrative, we could very well rename this episode “Mr. Clark Goes to Washington”—because like the movie’s Jefferson Smith (James Stewart), Emmett is excitedly taking in the sights, accompanied by Mrs. Emmett…er, I mean, Martha. As they return to their hotel room…
EMMETT (taking two suitcases to the bed and opening them up): Gonna pack…
MARTHA: Oh, where are we going?
EMMETT: Back home…
MARTHA: Back home?
EMMETT: Well, yeah…
MARTHA: We just got here last night…and …and we’ve only been out an hour-and-a-half this morning…
EMMETT (putting clothes in the suitcase): But we saw Washington, D.C., didn’t we?
MARTHA: We rode around a little…I thought we were just getting our bearings…
EMMETT: Look…we saw the Washington Monument, and the House of Representatives, and the White House…and the Government Printing Office!
MARTHA: But we didn’t go in any of them…
EMMETT: Look, dear…when you’ve seen one building, you’ve seen ‘em all…
MARTHA: Emmett, I don’t understand you…for years you’ve been talking about coming to Washington, and now we spend a few hours here…were you disappointed?
EMMETT: Heck no! Every minute was a thrill!
MARTHA: Emmett, I thought the whole reason for your retiring was so you could relax…
EMMETT: I am relaxed! It’s just that…when you retire, there’s so many things you can do—I don’t want to waste any time!
At this point in the conversation, Martha digs in her heels. “Look, Emmett—while we’re here there’s one thing I insist on seeing…and that’s the Supreme Court of the United States…”
“Oh, fine!” Emmett replies, kissing her on the forehead. “We can drive past on the way out of town!”
HOWARD: Say, when you’d get back from Washington?
EMMETT: Last night…
HOWARD: Gee…that was a quick trip…
EMMETT: Yeah…
HOWARD: How’d you enjoy it?
EMMETT: It was a great thrill…and then, bright and early this morning, I was out fishin’…
HOWARD: Oh… (Emmett reveals a string of fish from behind his back) Oh…hey…beauties, huh? Hey hey…
EMMETT: Thought maybe you’d like ‘em for dinner!
Emmett explains to Howard that he “limited out” and that weekdays are the best time to go because there’s no one up there—and when Howard asks him if that sort of situation doesn’t make him lonesome, his friend counters that he had a chat with the forest ranger and “watched a couple of squirrels run around.” (Looking for a…oh, that’s too easy.) There are two things that occur during this scene that I find fascinating—the first is that Howard wraps up the fish in a newspaper but apparently has no place to keep them until he leaves for home (which means the county clerk’s office is going to reek like a seafood market) and the second is that Emmett asks Howard to come with him on Friday when he goes back up…but Howard begs off, explaining that he has a lot of work to do. Sure, now he has to work—what the hell was he doing all those afternoons he was pissing around at the fix-it shop, checking for termites?
I really feel sorry for Emmett in that he’s sort of retired at the wrong time in history. See, when my father retired, he had a world of opportunities awaiting him—namely sitting in his recliner and watching either CNN, MSNBC or the History Channel for hours on end. But because Emmett called it quits before the establishment of these cable networks, he’s forced to spend time outside with his archery set.
Excited that he hit the target, Emmett starts hollering for Martha, who appears at the window, kerchief tied around her head in house-cleaning mode. “Why don’t you come out and play,” he asks. “Maybe later,” she replies.
SAM: Don’t tell me you’re taking in matinees nowadays…
EMMETT: Well…a man’s got to slow down the pace once in a while…
SAM: Oh…well, yeah…I suppose…
EMMETT: It’s easier to get good seats; you know…you don’t have to fight the crowd…
JULIE: Hi, Mr. Jones!
SAM: Oh hi, Julie…
JULIE: Going to the movies?
SAM: No, I don’t think so…not now…
JULIE: Oh…it’s a good show…ask Mr. Clark, he’s seen it three times…
(Emmett grimaces at Julie)
SAM: Three times, huh?
EMMETT: Well, you see…it’s one of them kinda deep plots you have to see a few times to get everything out of it…
Telling Sam he has “a million things to do”—something Sam would have called bullsh*t on even when Emmett was working, Emmett takes his leave and runs off, leaving Sam on to his merry way. Sam then gets a gander at what’s currently playing at Cine Mayberry:
MARTHA: If you want to know the truth—I just don’t want to go home and throw a boomerang…
SAM: A what?
MARTHA: A boomerang…it’s Emmett’s latest hobby…he was interested in archery, but he lost all his arrows…
SAM: Well, I-I imagine throwing one of those things is kind of different…
MARTHA: Oh, I guess there’s no doubt he’ll be Mayberry’s boomerang champion…
When Flora comes over and announces that today’s lunch special is trout, Martha cringes at the very thought. “Oh, don’t tell me he’s been by here, too,” she wails. From the sound of things, all is not peaches and cream in Retirementland.SAM: Uh…I imagine it’s a…tough adjustment for Emmett to make…
MARTHA: Well, it’s an adjustment for both of us…yesterday I was out playing catch…no matter what I suggest, he doesn’t want to do it…last night I wanted to go the movies—he wasn’t even interested…
SAM: Guns at Piute Pass?
MARTHA: Yes! You’d think he’d love it, wouldn’t you?
SAM: Well, you never know…
MARTHA: We don’t even talk like we used to…he used to come in and tell me about his day…now we’re all talked out before breakfast is even over…
GOOBER: What?
EMMETT: The gabbers…
GOOBER (with a hint of disgust): Yeah, we sure do…
EMMETT: Yeah…I used to get ‘em around the fix-it shop…talk talk talk…never get anything done…
GOOBER: Yeah…
EMMETT: Always telling me how to do my work…hey…you missed a fittin’ right there…
GOOBER: I’ll get it later…I got a routine I follow…
EMMETT: You guys really have to lube cars as often as you claim?
GOOBER: I just follow the book…
EMMETT: What kind of grease are you using?
GOOBER: Chicken fat!
EMMETT: Well, you don’t need to get so huffy about it…
GOOBER: Look, Emmett—I’m in kind of a hurry…Howard’s pickin’ this up in a few minutes…
I couldn’t get a decent screen capture of the punchline to this joke, which is basically a small boy on a bicycle riding past and calling out to Emmett to remind him that he’s (Emmett) pitching tomorrow morning. The boy, identified in a snatch of dialogue as “Jimmy,” is played by a young Danny Bonaduce (whose father Joseph wrote a handful of R.F.D. escapades), a couple of years before his Partridge Family fame and some thirty years before he would become part of the media freakshow that my father watches religiously on TruTV as The World’s Dumbest Criminals or whatever the hell that program is called.
EMMETT: One of the nice things about being retired is that you have plenty of time to work with the kids…SAM: Yeah…
EMMETT: Any feelers on the fix-it shop yet, Howard?
HOWARD: No, no…not yet…still got the “For Rent” sign up…
EMMETT: I’m surprised…you know, that’s a prime location for a restaurant or somethin’…
HOWARD: Mmm…
SAM: I…uh…I guess you can’t help missing the shop a little bit, huh, Emmett…?
EMMETT: Me? Are you kiddin’? Heh…
SAM: Well, I just thought you might miss…working with your hands…
GOOBER (to Howard): Car’ll be ready in a minute…
HOWARD: Okay, Goob…
EMMETT: Don’t forget that fittin’…
GOOBER: I told you I’d get it later, Emmett…
EMMETT: I’m just tryin’ to help out…
GOOBER (exasperated): Well, I don’t need any help! Ain’t you got nothin’ better to do? This ain’t no country club, you know…
EMMETT: What do you mean, nothin’ better to do? (To Sam and Howard) Can you get that? He’s so jealous of me not workin’ he can’t stand it!
GOOBER: Jealous? I just don’t want no loafers hangin’ around…
Oh, boy…this amounts to a major fox paw for our automobile-lubing friend, because if you’ll recall last week’s…well, let me start up the WABAC machine {{{{{wavy lines}}}}}
MARSHALL: One more thing to remember…this is a modern, efficient service station—it is not a meeting place for the town loafers…
GOOBER: Oh…oh, they’re not loafers—those are my friends…
{{{{{wavy lines}}}}} I’ve said it so often around here that it’s almost a mantra—but irony can be pretty ironic sometimes. Emmett drives off in a huff (or maybe it was a minute and a huff), leaving Mayberry’s brain trust a man short and standing out in front of the filling station.
GOOBER: Everybody knows that except Emmett…and he’s so doggone stubborn…
SAM: Oh, I don’t think it’s stubbornness—I think it’s pride…you know, he sounded off to us pretty good about retiring, and now he doesn’t know how to get out of it…
GOOBER: Well, it ain’t by tellin’ me how to lube a car…
HOWARD: I think you’re right, Sam…he just got himself out on a limb…
“And we’re just the fellows to saw that limb in two!” Realizing that Emmett would be much happier if he were back in the ol’ fix-it game—not to mention the population of Mayberry, who are just a smidge away from having the old coot committed—the three men put their heads together to come up with a wacky scheme that will convince Emmett he’s been a damn fool and put a closer on this sort of depressing old person saga. They arrange to meet in the council office, and…
GOOBER (looking out the window): Here he comes…right on schedule… (He runs over to the meeting table where Sam and Howard are standing, peering into a typewriter…)HOWARD: All right…now let Sam do the talking…
GOOBER (snippy): Well, all right, all right…
(Emmett walks into the office, carrying more fish)
EMMETT: Hiya fellas!
SAM: Hi, Emmett…
HOWARD: Hi, Emmett…
GOOBER: Emmett…
SAM (peering into the machine): Uh…maybe a spring slipped off the key or something…
GOOBER: No, maybe there’s somethin’ bent…
EMMETT (holding up his catch): Limited out again today…
HOWARD: Yeah…that’s great…Emmett…
GOOBER: Give it a whack…that works with my radio…
EMMETT: What’s the matter?
SAM: Oh, my typewriter here’s on the blink and I got some reports to get out…
EMMETT: Well, here—let me take a look at it…
SAM: No, no…you don’t have to do that…you’re retired…
EMMETT: Yeah, but…I don’t mind helpin’ out in a pinch…
HOWARD: Now, look, Emmett—we’ve got to learn to get along without you…
GOOBER: Yeah—you’re so busy with your boomerangs and everything…
(Howard picks a hammer and starts to hit the typewriter)
EMMETT: Howard, what are you doin’? You don’t work on a typewriter with a hammer…
HOWARD: Well, I was just going to give it a little tap…
GOOBER: Boy, this town sure could use a fix-it man…
That’s right…just reeeeeeel him in slooooooowly…
SAM: Say, Emmett—maybe you could recommend somebody…what about that kid who helped you last summer?
EMMETT: Burt? Are you kiddin’? He was all thumbs—he had no talent…
HOWARD: Well, what about Sy Wilkins…he’s a pretty good handyman…
EMMETT: You don’t want a handyman—you want a professional for this!
SAM: Well, we know that, Emmett…but we gotta get somebody…you kind of left us high and dry around here…
HOWARD: Yeah, the fan in my office is broke…
GOOBER: Yeah, I don’t get anything but static on my radio…
SAM: Poor old Miss Walter had to take her electric blanket clear into Mt. Pilot on the bus…
Congratulations, gentlemen! You have all passed with flying colors and are now proud graduates of the Irene Shreve College of Guilt Trips. While you step up to receive your diplomas, Emmett will get back to work at the shop (fortunately, landlord Howard never did find a prospective tenant for that prime piece of Mayberry real estate). “You guys can stand around here all day and shoot the breeze if you want to, but I’ve got work to do,” he scolds his pals as he exits the council office, proving once again that sometimes the jokes just write themselves.Coda time!
EMMETT: You know, Sam—I don’t mind tellin’ you…it’s good to be back in the ol’ mainstream…
SAM: Yeah…I suppose it is…
(As Emmett walks further over, the camera pulls back to reveal that Sam has been eyeballing a checkerboard…)
EMMETT: Whose move is it?
SAM: Yours…
“Heck no!” is Emmett’s reply. “That’s why we should go…a lot more fun goin’ fishin’ when you ain’t supposed to.” Not only does this serve as a sad commentary on Emmett’s pathetic existence, but seeing as how Sam manages to run a farm without doing any actual physical work is starting to make me think those stories my father used to tell me about his miserable existence on the farm were all poopy-caca.
Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-meter™ remains in the number ten position this week, with Aunt Bee a no-show (of course, no sign of Mike the Idiot Boy, either, so it’s not a total loss). I’ve commented before that because these shows were edited for syndication that we’re really not getting the full Mayberry—I’m not certain exactly what was trimmed from “Emmett’s Retirement” but if I had to hazard a guess I think it might have been a scene with Emmett and Goober because Goober seems a little too quick to anger in the sequence that remains, which seems out of character for the beloved R.F.D. gas pump jockey…even if he is a simpleton. Next week—an episode with the…what? Is that really the title? Ahem…next week’s playlet is entitled “Millie’s Girlfriend.” (Bow-chicka-wow-wow…)
1 comment:
Congratulations, gentlemen! You have all passed with flying colors and are now proud graduates of the Irene Shreve College of Guilt Trips.
HA!
I do heartily endorse Howard's cardigan today. It's in a lovely fall orangey-brown, one of my favorite colors.
And I had to laugh at your comments about cable TV. I hope this isn't too morbid, but that whole thing reminded me of how I actually laughed for a minute at my dad's funeral. The minister had come by beforehand to get some idea of what to talk about, and mom and I got into a tangent about how mom had been so glad to get cable TV so she wasn't stuck watching golf every Sunday afternoon; she thought dad watched it because there was nothing else on network TV. She learned the hard way that dad (a) honestly enjoyed watching golf, and (b) the cable package carried The Golf Channel. The minister decided to include that little anecdote in the service. I barely managed to stifle a great big "HA!"
P.S. I don't care if El IS on Facebook, I'm still not joining.
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