Mayberry Mondays #22: “An Efficient Service Station” (03/03/69, prod. no. 0122)

Before I start this week’s Mayberry Mondays, I need to warn you right off the bat that none of Mayberry R.F.D.’s female characters—Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) and Mike “the Idiot Boy” Jones (Buddy Foster)—are in this episode…so those of you wanting to see some smokin’ hot Millie action are going to be severely disappointed. Now that I have that out of the way, we kick off “An Efficient Service Station” with an opening shot of city council head/poor dirt farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) finishing up a cuppa joe at Mayberry’s diner (Motto: “You can’t prove that’s where you got the food poisoning”). Through the portal of this eatery walks a familiar character actor anxiously looking around…

Yes, that’s none other than Woodrow Parfrey—but don’t be fooled into thinking that just because he’s in this episode that it’s any good. Parfrey plays Ken Marshall, a man with a mission:

MARSHALL: Excuse me…I’m looking for the man who operates the service station…
SAM: Oh…Goober…
MARSHALL: G. Pyle…
SAM: Yeah, that’s Goober…
MARSHALL: He wasn’t at the station…
SAM: No, he probably just stepped out for a minute…if you need gas or anything, you just help yourself and put your money in that little tin can he keeps there…
MARSHALL: I want to speak with Mr. Pyle…
SAM: Oh…well, now let me see where he might be…uh…

Gee, Sam—do you suppose the fix-it shop?

SAM: Maybe the town hall?
MARSHALL: Town hall?
SAM: Yeah…barbershop?
MARSHALL: Barbershop…
SAM: No…no-no-no! I know where he is—Orv Shoop and Emmett Clark are playing off a tie game for town checker champion…Goober would’ve never missed that…
MARSHALL: You think he’s watching a checker game?
SAM: Oh yeah…yeah…Goob had a side bet on Emmett…listen, the game is probably over with by now—he might even be back at the station…is it important?
MARSHALL: Well, I’m with Acme Refining Company…I’m checking some of the operations to see if…
SAM: Oh…well, I…I have to run by the station anyway to pick up some tractor oil…why don’t you follow me over there and if he’s still not there I’ll call around and see if I can locate him for you…

Based solely on my previous experiences watching Mayberry R.F.D., I’d look for Goober (George Lindsey) to be at the establishment of Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman). But in this particular instance, the mountain has come to Mohammed—Emmett is hanging out at Goob’s filling station, along with pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson). As Sam pulls up in his truck, followed by Marshall, we find our favorite village idiot looking under the hood of an automobile belonging to apparently the only female appearing in this episode, a Mrs. Brandt (Elizabeth Harrower).

GOOBER (at the hood of the car): Hey Sam! Boy, you really missed some big checker game!
SAM (getting out of the truck): Oh?
HOWARD (standing over in front of the gas station, drinking a soda): Yeah, it was touch and go for a while but Emmett finally pulled it out…

Hold it! Anytime I hear “Emmett” and “pulled it out” uttered in the same breath I start to get a little nervous. I’m just sayin’. Continue…

HOWARD: …which is quite a feat in the face of such a partisan crowd!
SAM: Well, congratulations, Emmett!
EMMETT (sitting on his ass): Ah thanks, Sam…it was a tough one—but I was mentally up for this game…

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves. Sam introduces Goober to Marshall, who presents his credentials as a supervisor for Acme Petroleum (“At your service/Day or night/We do the job/And do it right/Acccccme!”). As Goober shakes hands, Marshall finds that his appendage is covered with some sort of mysterious service station goop that I’ll bet he’s praying is grease.

GOOBER: Acme Refinin’—well, I guess you’re from the main office in Raleigh…
MARSHALL: That’s right…
GOOBER: What happened to Lucas McCullough?
MARSHALL: McCullough retired…I’ll be covering this territory…
GOOBER: Retired? I didn’t figure him to be that old…

Sounds to me like ol’ Lucas was the victim of that massive downsizing going on at Acme that I’ve been reading about in the paper—he probably snapped up the opportunity to get in on that attractive severance package being offered by the company after they looted the employees’ 401(k) and pension fund so that the company’s CEO could run for the North Carolina Senate. But enough about fictional television sitcom politics—Marshall keeps wanting to have a convo with Goob to tell him he’s replacing the retired McCullough, but Goob can’t seem to break away from attending to Mrs. Brandt (she asks him if she needs a new battery, and he demurs) and her service station needs. Then a crisis of major importance occurs…

EMMETT (banging on the vending machine): Hey, Goob! The machine’s stuck again—I want another pop!

You can tell by Mr. Clark’s use of the word “pop” that he either hails from the South—or the vicinity of Detroit. Goober rushes over to the machine and gives it several taps, Fonzie-style, until Emmett’s beverage pops out. But when a second bottle of soda appears, Goober is mortified: “Guess I fixed it too good…” He grabs the recalcitrant soda and opens it up, then clinks bottles with Emmett…

HOWARD: Cheers!
GOOBER (after taking another swig, he addresses Marshall): The reason we’re hittin’ this stuff pretty hard is…Emmett here is the new Mayberry checker champ…
MARSHALL: I see… (With very little enthusiasm) Congratulations…
GOOBER: Oh, I forgot to introduce you…Emmett Clark, Howard Sprague…Mr. Marshall…
HOWARD: Hi, how are ya?
EMMETT: Mr. Marshall…
HOWARD: Too bad you didn’t get here a little sooner—you could have seen the match…it was open to the public…
MARSHALL (with great sarcasm): Oh, my misfortune…Mr. Pyle…
EMMETT: Luckily…I was at the top of my game…
HOWARD: Plus the fact that Orville Shoop was overconfident…as a matter of fact, I’d say overconfidence was Orville’s Achilles heel…
GOOBER: His what?
HOWARD: His Achilles heel…that’s an expression that goes back to the Trojan War… (Pointing to his foot) It’s a thing down here…

Oh fercrissake, Howard—why do you even bother? To Goober, a Trojan is what is sold in those little machines in the service station’s restroom. Marshall, whose patience with the whimsy that is typical Mayberry banter is starting to wear thin, asks Goober if he can speak to him alone since he wants to talk “business.” Fortunately, Sam has got his tractor oil and bids the gang a fond adieu until he sees them an hour later at Emmett’s, and Howard excuses himself as well (with Emmett cadging a ride back). Marshall and Goober go into his office, and when Goober offers him a seat at his desk he tells Goob he prefers to stand.

GOOBER: Well, I…really don’t think there’s too much to talk about, Mr. Marshall—things are runnin’ along here about the same as usual…
MARSHALL: Business as usual isn’t good enough, Pyle…that’s why I’m here…that’s why McCullough retired…
GOOBER: Oh…
MARSHALL: The first thing I did…was to order an in-depth analysis of your sales pattern…
GOOBER: Is that a fact?
MARSHALL: Yes…here we are… (Goober hands Marshall his soda when Marshall presents him with a notebook containing Goober’s station sales) As you can see, your sales haven’t varied appreciably in… (He finally sets down the soda bottle) In a ten-year period...

Yikes—this doesn’t look good. If I’m reading that chart right, Goober’s gas station’s vital signs have flatlined.  Quick...get the paddles, stat!

GOOBER Yeah, I hold ‘er kinda steady, don’t I?
MARSHALL: But that’s not our objective! The idea is to increase selling… (Snapping the book shut) As to you know why you haven’t?
GOOBER: No—I don’t believe that I do… (He gets up from his chair and grabs the soda that Marshall sat on top of one of the shelves)

Goober doesn’t realize this but he’s in the middle of a visit from one of the “suits,” who tells him that “you have violated every rule in the book.” (I haven’t read the Acme handbook, but I’m pretty sure they frown on skipping out of the station in the middle of the day to contemplate life’s many mysteries in a musty old fix-it shop.)

MARSHALL: After watching you operate for five minutes, I marvel at how you’ve managed to stay in business at all…
GOOBER: Well, I do pretty well…I…
MARSHALL (paying no attention): First of all, take a look at yourself…

Oh come on, Kenny—so he’s a little greasy. This isn’t a day care center he’s running.

MARSHALL: Now does that image inspire confidence? Are you an effective ambassador for the Acme Refining Company?
GOOBER: Well, I try to stay neat…I change my shirt after every ten lube jobs…I’m kinda fussy that way…

Marshall continues to harangue the disheveled Goober on his appearance, presenting him with a picture of a bright and shiny Acme employee. He further goes on to scold him about his lackluster sales technique (“A man comes in for five gallons…he buys TEN gallons…he buys new windshield wiper blades…he buys a new air filter…a new battery…now that is selling…”) and orders him to read a manual, The Hard Sell Made Easy.

Finally, the Coup de Gracie…

MARSHALL: One more thing to remember…this is a modern, efficient service station—it is not a meeting place for the town loafers…

Amen, Brother Ken—if the Good Lord had meant for people to loaf at Goober’s he would smite down Emmett’s shop in a blink of an eye.

GOOBER: Oh…oh, they’re not loafers—those are my friends…they come over here all the time…
MARSHALL: Oh, fine, fine…but when you’re on the job, let them caucus somewhere else…
GOOBER: But they come over here…
MARSHALL: I want you to remember! This station is a member of the Acme team…and if it’s inefficiently operated, it weakens every other member of the team…
GOOBER: Oh…well, I never thought about it like that…

I don’t think he’s ever thought about it all, but I don’t want to interrupt a good tongue-lashing, so…

MARSHALL: Well, think about it like that…think about it long and hard…like that…because if you don’t join the team…if the sales chart doesn’t start heading up…then the Acme Refining Company has no alternative but to take away your franchise…

That’s right, my greasy pump jockey friend…YOU have just been schooled.

There is then a dissolve to a car that’s pulling up at Goober’s Acme, and it’s Emmett behind the wheel…and I’m not trying to be purposely funny but I didn’t know the old geezer could drive—but then again, this is the South we’re talking about, where nonagenarians have been known to drag race.

Hey! From the looks of Goober’s outfit, he’s put in a soda fountain!

EMMETT: Heh heh…what are you doing in the ice cream suit?
GOOBER: Good afternoon, sir…
EMMETT: Sir? It’s me, Emmett!
GOOBER: Yes, sir…I know…
EMMETT: Hey…you ain’t been hypnotized or nothin’, have ya?
GOOBER: Look, Emmett—I’m just tryin’ to run this service station the way it’s supposed to be run! (Back to being nice) How many gallons, sir?
EMMETT: I don’t want any gas—I just came over here to kill some time…
GOOBER: Then I’ll check your tires… (He bends down in the direction of the car’s tires)
EMMETT: Hey—stay away from those tires…nothin’s the matter with them… (Goober walks over to the car’s windshield) What do you think you’re doin’ now?
GOOBER: I’m checkin’ your windshield wiper…it’s always good to be prepared for a rainy spell…
EMMETT: Take your hands off of them! I don’t need new ones—and when I do, I’ll get ‘em over at that discount place in Mt. Pilot…I told you…I just came over here to kill a little time…

Boy—when even Emmett can’t piss around at the shop, you know it’s a slow day…

EMMETT (as Goober starts to pop open the hood): Hey! Take your hands off of my car—you lay one hand on that, I’m warning ya…I’ll leave!

There is then a dissolve to the town council office, where we find Sam and Howard having to reluctantly listen to Emmett’s bitching about Goober’s changes…

EMMETT: And you should see him with that white outfit! All he needs is a pair of rubber gloves and he’s ready for surgery!
SAM: Well, you’ve got to understand, Emmett—that the company insists that he run the station that way…otherwise they’ll take his franchise away…
EMMETT: Well, then let him get another franchise!
HOWARD: He can’t…Acme is the only oil company in this part of the state that’ll deal with these small operators…
SAM: Right—if he doesn’t have Acme, he has nothin’…
HOWARD: It’s up to us to be patient—I think the changeover will be good for him in the long run…
SAM: Sure! With a new image, he’ll be attracting new customers…

Another scene dissolve finds Sam pulling into Goober’s in the truck, and upon getting out he tells Goober that all he needs is some water because the boiler is heating up…

SAM: How’s business?
GOOBER: Well, I sold four windshield wiper blades…a fan belt…and a set of tires…
SAM: Hey—that’s good!
GOOBER: You think so?
SAM: Well, sure…proves you’re just as good a salesman of Acme products as the next fella…
GOOBER: The thing is…I ain’t enjoyin’ myself…
SAM: Well…it takes time to get used to a new way of workin’, Goob…
GOOBER: I used to look forward to comin’ to work…you know, visitin’ with the folks…helpin’ ‘em out when I could…it seems like all I do now is worry about keepin’ this uniform clean…the more I worry, the dirtier it gets…
SAM: Aw, it looks fine to me…
GOOBER: I get… well, you know…kinda lonesome…I mean, even when a customer does come in I can’t talk to ‘em…I’m too busy tryin’ to sell him wiper blades or spark plugs or somethin’ else he don’t need…like that set of tires I sold Harley Fenton—I feel real bad about that, Sam…he really didn’t need ‘em…
SAM: Oh?
GOOBER: Well, the fabric was just startin’ to show…and I know you can always get three or four hunderd more miles out of the fabric…
SAM: Well, that…that’s just part of efficient business, Goob…
GOOBER: I suppose…but I sure don’t enjoy workin’ here no more…
SAM: You’ll get used to it…
GOOBER: I ain’t so sure…tell you the truth, Sam—I don’t know how much more of this I can take…could be that I just pack ‘er all in…

Wow! I wasn’t expecting this kind of dramatic twist—Goober fires himself from his own gas station. (By the way, did you notice that the machine behind him reads “Ice Cold Soda”?)

After the commercial break, there’s a momentary return to normalcy in Mayberry when we find Emmett repairing Sam’s toaster; Sam is quite pleased with his friend’s handiwork because before the patch-up, “it was throwin’ the toast so high Aunt Bee had to stand clear.” Emmett charges Sam four bits for the work (Jesse wore a mask and they called him a bandit) and the meeting of Mayberry’s MENSA group gets underway with the arrival of Howard through the front door.

HOWARD: Well…he’s done it…
EMMETT: Who’s done what?
HOWARD: Goober…he’s quit…

He didn’t quit—he was fired…Goober finally got fed up with having to deal with his own stupidity.

SAM: Aw, no…
HOWARD: Yep…station’s locked up and the sign on the door says “Out of business”…
SAM: Too much pressure…
EMMETT: You mean to say he couldn’t go back to running things the old way?
SAM: No…no…company said “Do it our way or get out”…
HOWARD: So, Goober got out—now Mayberry doesn’t have a filling station…and I don’t have to tell you what that means…
EMMETT: No you don’t…but we know you will…

Okay, I have to admit I laughed pretty darn hard at that line…and Hartman’s first-rate delivery of it.

HOWARD: It’s the first danger signal…Mayberry’s in serious trouble…
SAM: Oh now, Howard…
HOWARD: No, no, Sam—look, we gotta face it…we’re living in the automotive age…how do you expect a town to survive without at least one gasoline station?
SAM: Well, we’ll manage…
HOWARD: Now look--we’d better start asking ourselves what we’re gonna do when we wake up one fine morning to discover ourselves living in a ghost town…
EMMETT: Well…personally…I’ll turn over and go back to sleep…
HOWARD: Well, maybe you won’t be so complacent, Emmett, when it actually starts to happen…
SAM: Aw, Howard…
HOWARD: No, no, Sam—if people can’t buy gas, they’re going to start to move away…first one family, and then another and then the first thing you know business will suffer and then your storekeepers will leave town…why, the movie house will close down and then the streets will start gettin’ empty…why, you’ll be able to look from one end of Mayberry to the other without seeing a single living soul…except for maybe a stray dog or two…and a die-hard like you, Emmett…

“Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes... the dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!”

HOWARD: And then one morning you’re going to wake up to find you’re playing yourself for the checker championship…
SAM: Whew! Boy! You can really paint it black, Howard…
HOWARD: Well, it’s what happened to Virginia City…

Well—not perzactly. That burg became a ghost town when that outbreak of hoof-and-mouth took place on the Ponderosa. Sam shoves aside Howard’s Cassandra-like pronouncements (hey, he’s not the only one around here with the Trojan War allusions) by stating that he doesn’t believe that Mayberry will be replaced by a hollowed-out crater just because Goober won’t wear the uniform and toe the company line. “We’re made of sterner stuff, Howard,” Emmett asserts.

The talk then turns to our beloved former gas-pumping moron, because the other three idiots are curious as to what kind of job their friend can find in Mayberry now that he’s out of the gas station game.

He sells spree shoes by the seashore. Goober, upon approaching the house at where he’ll make his first sale, rehearses his spiel before the door opens…

GOOBER (to himself): I have the honor to represent Feet First shoes…and I am here to put your best foot forward…

"Buckle down, Winsockie, buckle down..."

GOOBER (as the front door opens, revealing a cranky “you-kids-get-out-of-my-yard” man): How do you do, sir? Allow me to introduce myself—I’m… (His words are cut off as the man rudely slams the door shut in his face)

Hey, just wait a damn minute, Mister Sunshine—you don’t go around slamming doors in Goober’s face. (baby spot on my face) “I don't say he's a great man. Goober Pyle never made a lot of money. His name was never in the paper. He's not the finest character who ever lived. But he's a human being, and a terrible thing has happened to him. So attention must be paid. He's not allowed to fall into his grave like an old dog. Attention…attention must be finally paid to such a person...” (Blogosphere applause) And…scene!!!

Okay, let’s get back to the further adventures of Goober Pyle, or “Young Man with a Shoehorn”…Goober approaches another house with great trepidation, but the individual who comes to the door is a right friendly cuss…

ATKERSON: How do you do, sir?
GOOBER: Oh…how do you do—allow me to introduce myself…I’m Goober Pyle…
ATKERSON (extending his hand for a hearty handclasp): Howdy! I’m Phil Atkerson!
GOOBER (fumbling slightly): Um…pleased to meet you, Mr. Atkerson…
ATKERSON: That’s right…
GOONER: Uh…I have the honor to represent Feet First shoes, and…
ATKERSON: Oh, really? Pardon me for a moment… (He turns away from the door)
GOOBER: As I was sayin’…
ATKERSON (returning to the door): Write Riter Pens and Pencils…that’s my line…for the active executive in the field, like yourself…

Yes, the ol’ Irony-o-Meter (I have one of the older models) is pegging into the red right now. Of course, you’ll probably recognize the superior salesman who sells Goober the pen as character great Buddy Lester, who quite possibly appeared in more films with Jerry Lewis than Dean Martin—particularly as the bartender in The Nutty Professor (1963) who makes “Buddy Love” the Alaskan Polar Bear Heater (“What’ll it be…hmm?”).

Okay, it’s been…what—nearly two minutes since we hung out at Emmett’s? Let’s check in on the action…

EMMETT: A shoe salesman?
GOOBER: Well, I’m actually a field merchandiser for quality footwear…
HOWARD: You mean, you actually carry these samples from door to door?
GOOBER: Oh, it’s like bein’ in business for yourself…I’m one of twelve thousand outlets for America’s first choice in shoes…in Feet First shoes, you are one step ahead of the crowd…
SAM: Well…heh…how’s it goin’?
GOOBER: Oh, fine…fine…
HOWARD: I, uh…I guess you made a lot of sales already…
GOOBER: Oh sure…sure…’course you know, I’m just startin’…
SAM: Of course…
HOWARD: Well…Rome wasn’t built in a day…

…and neither was Syracuse…

GOOBER: But soon I’ll be clearin’ a thousand a month—just like R.Z. of Salamander, New Mexico or Mrs. K.W. of Big Piney, Wyoming…

How these people have avoided not mailing this spiel to my father I’ll never know. Emmett tries to sound optimistic (“You got one thing goin’ for ya—everybody’s gotta wear shoes…”) and Sam even offers to buy a pair even though Goober pridefully insists he’s not there to sell shoes to his friends. And he’s not—he’s unable to write up Sam’s sale because he left his order book back in his room.

There’s a dissolve to Goober’s old filling station, where we find Sam putting some air in his truck tires…and a gentleman pulls up in a car behind him…

SAM: The, uh, station’s closed…
SMITH: Yeah…I see that now…
SAM: The nearest one open is about halfway between here and Mt. Pilot…
SMITH: Hmm…looks like the town could support one service station…
SAM: Oh…the town supported this one, all right…it’s the company that forced it out of business…
SMITH: Well, that’s funny—why would Acme Refining do a thing like that?

Well, maybe the company is getting out of the awl bidness and back to what originally put it on the map—selling merchandise to hungry cartoon coyotes. If you haven’t already guessed where this is going, the man chatting it up with Sam is G.B. Smith—the president of the company, who came down to investigate why the station closed its doors. Sam uses this opportunity to tattle on Mr. Ken Marshall, giving Smith an earful about how tyrannical he is and what a meanie he turned out to be, making Goober wear that dorky uniform instead of his even dorkier beanie. (Oh, and I hear Marshall drinks, too.)

SAM: President?
SMITH (chuckling): It’s kind of hard for me to believe, too…I started out in a small town…smaller even than Mayberry…

I just wanted to interrupt for a sec to identify this actor as character great Don Beddoe, who you might recognize from various Three Stooges comedies, Columbia’s Blondie series and the partner of my main man Charles McGraw in The Narrow Margin (1952) who gets croaked in the first twenty minutes of the picture. Beddoe pronounces the name of the town as “May-bree,” which I thought was amusing.

SMITH: …and I haven’t forgotten what it was like…but you know that new district manager of ours, Ken Marshall—he’s a brilliant fellow…but his computerized thinking…works just fine for about 95% of our dealers…but we can’t ignore the other five percent…

It’s uncanny—Goober was in that very same five percent of the class when he attended school, the ones slower than the rest…Sam, in an impressive display of ass-kissing, remarks to Smith that his thinking “could be one reason why you’re president”:

SMITH: I think it’s important to keep an Acme outlet in May-bree…but I want it to be the kind of service station that suits the town…the people…

I’m thinking topless waitresses, buffalo wings and drink specials, with an emphasis on Jell-O shots…

SAM: Well, then—the man who ought to run it is Goober Pyle…
SMITH: Think Mr. Pyle might be persuaded to change his mind?
SAM: Uh, well…he’s…uh…he’s pretty involved right now in…uh…in a potentially high-paying position as a…field merchandiser for quality footwear…
SMITH (chuckling): Yeah…I peddled shoes myself…

Sam then makes a cryptic statement about Goober having an opportunity to get into the restaurant business—I’m thinking that because this episode was edited for syndication that little subplot won’t return until Warner Brothers brings forth a legitimate R.F.D. release. Anyway, Goober is back in business and things have returned to normal—with the town’s loaf…er, I mean, Goober’s friends once again whiling away precious hours seated on their asses at the gas station—it’s not like any of them are running a farm or anything…

HOWARD: You saved Mayberry from becoming a ghost town…
GOOBER: It’s okay…
EMMETT: Hey, Goob—I’ve been checkin’ my car over…b’lieve I could use a new set of windshield wipers…
GOOBER: Well, why don’t you go to your discount store and get ‘em?
EMMETT: Well, I…just thought I’d throw you the business…
GOOBER: Sorry…
EMMETT: Hey, you got windshield wipers, don’tcha?
GOOBER: They’re not for sale…

For unknown reasons, Sam and Howard find this exchange uproariously funny. My sides just ache reading the transcript.

Well, to wind up with the coda, we find Sam and Howard back in Sam’s office…and since this is a rural-based sitcom, we shouldn’t be too surprised that the two men are examining the whole question of eighteenth-century social legislation…its relevance to the hierarchical structure of post-Renaissance society, and its impact on the future of parochial organization in an expanding agrarian economy.

No, I’m only kidding—they’re just pleased that Goober is pumping gas again. As Howard drones on and on in his imitable monotone, Sam types on an electric typewriter.

HOWARD: It’s important for a small community like Mayberry that…well, everything continue to function…otherwise, it could be a lot of confusion…I mean, like—suppose you were to resign as head of town council? That could create a very serious situation…
SAM: Nah…somebody else would step in…

“And I’d spend double the amount of time I do at Emmett’s…”

HOWARD: Or…suppose I were to resign as county clerk? Now that would be utter chaos…
SAM: W-W-Well, it wouldn’t be good, no…
HOWARD: Even lesser services like Boysinger’s bakery…suppose we were cut off from all breadstuffs?
SAM: A lot of people’ll lose weight…

Sam, of course, has been hiding his true feelings in this all along—he’s thrilled to have Goober up and pumping because that means he’s no longer in shoe business.  He asks Howard: “You wouldn’t by any chance be in the market for a pair of black shoes—size 10B—that burn your feet, would you?”

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Mayberry R.F.D. Bee-o-meter™ stalls at ten this week, even though Aunt Bee is briefly referenced in the toaster joke Sam cracks at Emmett’s—at first go, I thought maybe she might have been in the deleted scene that had to do with Goober’s restaurant career but if you don’t see Frances Bavier’s name in the opening credits it’s a pretty good sign she’s sitting out that hand. Next week—laughs galore with a little playlet we’ll call “Emmett’s Retirement”…because that is, indeed, the title of the episode. I do hope you’ll join me.