Mayberry Mondays #41: “Emmett Takes a Fall” (01/19/70, prod. no. 0216)

Having finished a one-week vacation from our weekly excursion to America’s favorite tapioca sitcom, Mayberry R.F.D. looks different to me this week.  It’s an episode that centers around the town’s fix-it savant, Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman)…and while normally that would signal an installment containing all the hilarity of a back itch you can’t reach, it’s actually a pretty funny outing…with a great repetition gag that I have to admit I laughed at every time it came up in the script.  (Plus we have a couple of returning faces in this episode, and a pair of great character thesps to boot.)

After the opening credits roll, we find poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer (and head of the city council) Sam Jones (Ken Berry) pulling into the service station of Mayberry’s village idiot, Goober Pyle (George Lindsey), to gas up his truck…and before we even lay eyes on Emmett, we hear his unmistakable curmudgeonly tones reminiscing about his salad days on the gridiron to both Goob and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson).  “I used to throw these things fifty yards…straight as an arrow!” he brags, as he nonchalantly tosses a football back and forth.  (The football, incidentally, belongs to the cretinous progeny of Sam’s that we know and are repulsed by here as “Mike the Idiot Boy,” played by child goon Buddy Foster, brother of Oscar-winning actress Jodie.  We will not have to listen to his mewling this week, so those of you predisposed to condemn this episode have already received the best news possible.)

EMMETT: I was just tellin’ the fellas how I used to handle this thing…

SAM: Uh…

EMMETT: You know—I used to cock it right behind my ear…then I’d get my balance…get a good grip on it…and pull it way back…

Emmett ends up dropping the football behind him, resulting in the spillage of whatever soft drink beverage the three of them (Goob, Howard and Emmett) were drinking (it looks like some sort of 7-Up or Sprite derivative) all over the soda machine.

HOWARD: Oh, marvelous, Emmett…marvelous…

EMMETT: They must have changed the shape of these balls…

Yeah, back when you were young, footballs were hexagonal.  (“And we liked ‘em that way, damnit!”)  “You’re just gettin’ old…that’s all, Emmett,” cracks Goober, as if this were the first time anyone in town realized Emmett is an old fart.  Emmett takes offense, and orders a reluctant Sam to throw him a pass…

…and you can probably tell by the expressions on their faces that Emmett has fallen and broken a hip, necessitating he be put to sleep.  No…we simply aren’t that lucky…but Emmett has taken a tumble into a repair bay, and he’s sustained an injury.  (“Don’t worry, Martha…Emmett will still be able to perform his husbandly duties, and…Martha…Martha, please don’t take on so…”)

HOWARD: Are you all right, Emmett?

GOOBER: Did ya hurt yourself?

SAM: Huh?

EMMETT: I banged this arm here pretty good…

SAM: Can you move it?

EMMETT (he tries to move his arm, and winces in pain): Ooh…ooh…

HOWARD: Well, maybe you sprained it…

(Emmett continues to massage his arm, crying out in discomfort)

GOOBER: Well, bones get brittle when you get old, you know…

EMMETT (scowling): It’s nothin’!

HOWARD: I think you ought to see a doctor, Emmett…we’ll drive you over…

EMMETT: I’m tellin’ ya, fellas…

GOOBER (to Sam): Sam, you finish gassin’ your truck and then call Doc Billing and tell ‘em we’re comin’ over…

There’s something innately human within all of us in that we often don’t want to admit when we’re seriously sick or hurt…and Emmett is just one example of many, pleading with his friends “There’s nothing wrong with my arm!”

Wait for it…

GOOBER (looking at Emmett’s cast): My goodness, Emmett… (To Howard) Didn’t I tell him old bones is brittle?

HOWARD (to Emmett): Is it broke?

EMMETT: Well, actually…it’s a lateral fracture of the ulna…plus an attenuated flexor carpis…

GOOBER (to Howard): Is it broke?

HOWARD: Yeah!

Howard, you may be a dweeb…but damn if you don’t make me spit out my iced tea at the most inopportune moments.

HOWARD: Will you have to keep it in the cast long?

EMMETT: Well…Doc says for about five or six weeks…

HOWARD: But it’s not really serious?

EMMETT: Oh, no…no…once the cast is off, it’ll be as good as new…but I was thinkin’ in there when he was puttin’ on the plaster…the problem isn’t my arm…it’s Mayberry!

What, the town has thoughtlessly placed repair bays where old people can fall into them?  I’d suggest a recall vote of the people currently in Mayberry city government but that would mean there’d be no one left on this show and…throw the rascals out!

GOOBER: What do you mean?

EMMETT: Well…I guess the calamity of this hasn’t hit you guys yet…with my right arm in a cast…I’ll have to close up the place…Mayberry will be without a fix-it shop!

Godfrey Daniels!  The ramifications of this are staggering!  With no fix-it shop to hang out in, Goober will run a more efficient service station!  Howard will transform city government into a finely-tuned machine!  And Sam…Sam will actually grow food on his farm!  Oh, the humanity…

Goober shrugs indifferently, while Howard attempts to elicit some faux sympathy.  But the two men have difficulty stifling grins while following Emmett out of the waiting room.  The scene then shifts to Sam’s city council office, where Emmett seeks to bounce an idea off of him as our hero works on some paperwork.

EMMETT: Sam…I’ve been givin’ it a lot of thought…and I’ve decided I’m not going to let Mayberry down…

SAM: Oh…fine, Emmett…fine…

EMMETT: After all…can you imagine what would happen if I…just closed up my shop?

“Well, I’d be spending more time with Mike and Aunt Bee…funny thing…apparently I’m some sort of a farmer or something…”

EMMETT: …things breakin’ down all over town…nobody to fix ‘em…it could be serious!

It could also signal the start of a booming economy, with people purchasing new appliances instead of waiting for you to bang on them with a hammer.  Just sayin’…

EMMETT: I’m gonna bring in somebody to help me…somebody to work under my direct supervision…

SAM: Yeah, that’s a good idea, Emmett…

EMMETT (pulling a wad of paper out of his pocket): Goin’ over to the paper there, and put this ad in there… (He reads) “Wanted…a man of intelligence to learn profession of mechanical rehabilitation from an experienced master craftsman…scientific aptitude a definite requirement…”

Who here thinks Howard helped him write that ad?  Ten…thirty-five…yeah, that’s what I thought, too…

SAM: Well…I hope you get somebody…I mean, for all of us…

EMMETT: Well…I’m sure gonna do my darndest to see Mayberry through this crisis… (Glancing at Sam’s paperwork) Forgot to carry the “1”…see ya, Sam…

Sam grins at Emmett as he walks out of the office, and then is there a scene dissolve as a young man walks down Mayberry’s busy thoroughfare until he reaches the humble threshold of Emmett’s Fix-It Shop.

This young man is Ernie Ballard, and he’s played by a Meridian, MS native named Elliott Street.  An actor, director and playwright whose parents founded that city’s Little Theatre, this Mayberry R.F.D. appearance (according to the IMDb) was his first professional show bidness credit, but it wouldn’t be his last.  He guest-starred on any number of shows from the 60s and 70s: Room 222 (he was in two episodes as class clown Harvey Butcher), The Mod Squad, Mary Tyler Moore and The Rockford Files, to name just a few…and he also landed small roles in films such as Welcome Home, Soldier Boys and The Harrad Experiment.  Street (who has also acted under the nom de footlights “William Elliott”) has also done extensive stage work and appeared in recent films like The Legend of Bagger Vance (filmed in Savannah, my old stomping grounds) and Runaway Jury.

But here at Rancho Yesteryear, Street has been immortalized for an episode of Hawaii Five-O: “Draw Me a Killer.”  This sixth-season classic stars Elliott as an all-American psychopath obsessed with a comic strip called Judy Moon…to the point where he starts killing random individuals he’s convinced are the real-life embodiments of the strip’s villains, and falling in love with a young woman who’s a dead ringer for the cartoon heroine as well.  I watched this episode with my Mom when it originally aired (I just turned ten) and it scared the shit out of me.  Naturally, it has become one of my favorite Five-O episodes.  (And this wasn’t even the first time Street appeared on Five-O: he also guested in a third season two-parter, “The Grandstand Play.”)

So…psycho killer—qu'est-ce que c'est?  It would appear young Ernie has seen Emmett’s ad in the Mayberry Gazette (“Over 1,000 fish wrapped weekly”) and the sign in the fix-it shop window…and he has heard his future vocation a-callin’.

ERNIE: Are you Mr. Clark?

EMMETT: Yeah…my shop’s temporary closed, I can’t fix anything…I got a fractured ulna!

ERNIE: Oh, that’s why I’m here—I saw your ad in the newspaper, and I’m applying for the job…

EMMETT: Oh… (Chuckling) Oh, well…I guess I didn’t make myself pretty clear, sonny…I need somebody older than you…

ERNIE: I think I can handle it, Mr. Clark…

EMMETT: No…no, no…I appreciate you wantin’ to help out…but I gotta have somebody with a knowledge of science!

Science!

ERNIE: Well, that’s the reason I applied…I’m in Mr. Desmond’s science class in high school…I’ve always had a flair for it…

EMMETT: No…no, no…you don’t understand…the fix-it shop business is very complicated…I gotta have somebody who can work on my level, and…absorb the benefits of my scientific know-how!

“You think you just instinctively know how large a hammer to use when banging it against an appliance?  Well, you don’t, smartass…”

EMMETT (sitting down at his bench): Thanks anyhow…I’ll see ya…

ERNIE: Yes, sir…thank you, Mr. Clark… (He turns to leave as Emmett turns on a radio at his workbench)  That’s quite a hum in that radio…

EMMETT: Yeah. I know…some things just get so worn out you can’t fix ‘em…

ERNIE: Have you tried reversing the polarity?

EMMETT: Huh?

“Reversing the polarity” is a fancy scientific term for “turning the plug around.”  Ernie demonstrates this principle, and the radio has miraculously lost its hum, sounding great.  “Oh, well…you can always do it that way, of course,” an embarrassed Emmett replies.

ERNIE: Gee, Mr. Clark…I sure would like to work under your supervision…and get the benefits of your scientific know-how…

EMMETT: Oh, you would?  What would it be: afternoons after school and Saturdays, I suppose, huh?

ERNIE: Yes, sir…

EMMETT; Ah…pays thirty-five a week…

ERNIE: Oh!  That’s very generous, sir!

EMMETT: It is?

Yay!  Ernie has landed the job…and he tells Emmett he’ll be by the shop immediately after school.  Once Ernie has left, Emmett unplugs the radio and, “reversing the polarity,” re-plugs it in to find that it’s still working fine.  (I guess he’s kicked that habit of licking the plugs that used to be so common in early R.F.D. episodes.)

Giddy with his success at entering the wide, wide world of electronics, Ernie bustles down the street and nearly collides with the only person in that town having less sex than he…Mistah Howard Sprague.  Carrying a bag of groceries, Howard meets up with Emmett, who has decided to knock off work early and get some panhandling in at his oh-so-familiar bus bench (the cast on his arm should ensure a good take, too).

HOWARD: Say, that young fellow was certainly all excited…huh?

EMMETT: Oh, his name’s Ernie…I more or less hired him to help me out while I’m laid up… (He starts to remove the “Expert Help Wanted” sign from his window)

HOWARD: Oh…oh, hey—that’s a great idea, Emmett!

EMMETT: What’s so great about it?

HOWARD: Well, taking on a young person like that…that shows good judgment on your part…

EMMETT: He’s the only one who answered the ad!  I didn’t want a kid, I wanted a grown-up man!

But Howard is sticking to his guns about how important it is for a business to get some “fresh blood” every now and then…and Emmett shoots back: “When it comes to blood, I prefer some that’s been circulatin’ a while.”  In case you’re wondering, this is going to be the theme of our episode today: Emmett, the fusty old codger set in his ways, will learn that the children are our future…teach them well and let them lead the way…show them all the beauty they possess inside…give them a sense of pride to make it easier…let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.  (Or song lyrics to that effect.)

So his first day on the job, Ernie the Apprentice is being given an orientation lecture from Emmett:

EMMETT: Now the…customer will have the other half of the ticket…you see, we have certain ways of doing things around here…I’ve learned by experience…

ERNIE: Yes, sir…

EMMETT: Let’s take this old heater… (He shows it to Ernie) You see…the fuse is blown out at the back…but the number’s burned off, so I don’t know what size of fuse it was…I’ll have to write to the factory or somethin’…

ERNIE: Oh…well, the plate on the back should tell the voltage and wattage… (He picks up the heater and turns it around to look at the back) Let’s see…yeah… (He whips out a pencil and starts writing on a piece of paper) Twelve…120 volts…2400 watts…figure that in ohms…adjust to five…move the decimal…yeah, here it is—looks like a twenty amp fuse…have you got any?

EMMETT: Huh?  Oh…yeah…well, there’s some in that box over there…

The dynamic between these two is starting to resemble the relationship between Foghorn Leghorn and that brainiac pullet he’s always being asked to look after (“No…I better not look…I might, I say, I just might be in there…”).  Ernie fixes the heater faster than you can say “André-Marie Ampère,” and then is there a dissolve to a shot of Sam and Goober sitting lazily on a bus bench.  Sam is perusing the paper, and what I enjoyed so much about this scene is that there actually were newspapers published that size many, many years ago.  The Clarksburg Exponent-Telegram was one; I remember devouring the comics section of it on Sundays whenever we’d visit my grandparents—it was like reading a freaking bed sheet!

GOOBER: Hey!  There’s the ad Emmett put in!

SAM: Oh yeah…

GOOBER: He got somebody, you know…

SAM: He did?

GOOBER: Yeah…some kid…he’s the only one who answered the ad…

SAM (reading): Well, that’ll be some help…

GOOBER: Oh, I ain’t so sure…I was in there for a minute and Emmett was havin’ to tell the kid exactly how to do things…

Yeah, Ernie the Wunderkind is inside the fix-it shop splitting the atom, but Emmett is still barking out orders.  Observe as the two of them repair an ice-cream maker:

EMMETT: Watch your fingers now…got it?  Fasten the latch… (He turns the crank a little) Yeah, that does it…now to make sure you understand the principle involved here…the shaft bushings on this ice cream freezer were worn on one side…that threw off the primary gear…actually, it was fighting where the metal teeth come together…d’ya understand what I’m driving at?

ERNIE: Yes, sir…the principle of considered proposed rotation is used in a lot of industrial machines…what do you want me to do next, Mr. Clark?

EMMETT (after a pause): You don’t call that finished, do ya?

ERNIE: Well, yeah…it works fine…

EMMETT: Why, you didn’t even dust it off!  Anything that goes out of this shop, it goes out of here clean!  (He picks up a dust rag) Especially if it’s an item in preparing food!  You expect to learn about science…you gotta pay more attention!

ERNIE: I’m sorry, sir…

Since Sam hasn’t made his daily pilgrimage to Emmett’s, it’s as good a time as any to have him stop by, asking about a “chrome calendar clock I left in here last week.”  Emmett, not wanting to admit that he couldn’t repair a chrome calendar clock if it was ticking off the last seconds of a bomb set to blow up Mayberry, tries to stall Sam by telling him “there’s a lot of wheels and junk in there, and I figured I’d better wait until I can give it my undivided attention.”  But Emmett has failed to reckon with the amazing repair powers of the ever-helpful Ernie!

ERNIE (bringing a clock over to the counter where Sam and Emmett are conversing): Is this the one, Mr. Clark?  Uh…it’s all ready to go…

EMMETT: What?

ERNIE: Yes, sir…I took it apart when you were out before…the ratchet forward jammed, so the date wheel wouldn’t move…

SAM: You mean it’s all fixed?

EMMETT: Well, I guess it is, Sam… (Laughing) I’ve just been so busy it must have slipped my mind…uh…I…I think, uh, two dollars ought to cover it…

SAM: Well! (He laughs)

ERNIE: I’ll get a box for ya…

SAM: Well, thank you!

EMMETT: I’m sorry I didn’t remember to tell ya, Sam, but…I guess I musta been thinkin’ of somebody else’s chrome calendar clock…

“Hey, that’s a great little assistant you got there,” Sam points out…and Emmett’s insecurities start to rise to the fray again.  He’s staring into the abyss: he’s obsolete, and will soon be replaced by nerdy Ernie, who can not only fix anything that’s thrown at him but is probably just chomping at the bit for the opportunity to go home and service Mrs. Clark (Martha).  “Yeah, he’s okay,” Emmett grumbles.  “You gotta watch him.” 

SAM: Amazing about this younger generation, isn’t it?  I mean, how smart they are…the way they latch onto things…I tell you, Emmett—they’ll be ahead of us before we know it…

“Oh…you, too, huh?” Emmett replies in a reference to the earlier conversation he had with Howard.  To soothe his bruised ego, Emmett chides Ernie for not properly dusting off Sam’s clock before it is returned to him…and then it’s time for a General Foods break.

Back in Sam’s office, our hero is discussing a serious streetlight matter with Howard and Goober…and I must say, Howard’s wearing a particularly snazzy suit.

HOWARD: Yeah, well, we have had a lot of complaints, you know…I mean, with it being dark down there that kids are parking there after the show…

GOOBER: Yeah…and they’re jammin’ up the place—Saturday night, I had to drive up all the way to Myers’ Lake…

Kind of a laugh-out-loud moment for me—both in Goober’s line, and Howard’s uniquely Southern way of referring to the movies as “the show” (my old Savannah pal The Chief does this all the time).  Goober notices Sam’s calendar clock on his desk, prompting Sam to sing Ernie’s praises, mentioning that the kid fixed it on his lunch hour and that “he seems to be smart as a whip.”  (Of course, Emmett is his point of reference here…so you could say the same thing about a five-speed blender and technically not be too far off.)

HOWARD: You know, that’s the very thing I was trying to impress on Emmett…you know, we adults are sometimes inclined to downgrade the youth of today and it’s often unjustified…

SAM: I’ll go along with that…

HOWARD: As a matter of fact, I think there’s a lot of lessons we can learn from them…

GOOBER: Boy, you’re right about that, Howard…just last month a kid showed me how to sell a car with a noisy transmission…you stuff the gearbox full of sawdust…keeps it quiet for two or three days…

“I was speaking of more worthwhile things, Goober,” Howard patiently explains to his chimp-like friend.  “Like…optimism and eagerness and a fresh outlook.”  Taking their leave of Sam, Howard and Goober head back to their respective jobs (snicker) and are out the city council door when Howard gets a sudden realization:

HOWARD: Say…I just had a thought—you know, since this kid Ernie did such a swell job on Sam’s calendar clock I just might take my malted milk machine in there!

GOOBER: You gotta a malted milk machine?

HOWARD: Yeah!

GOOBER: Wow…

Goober is starting to think on the same wavelength as Howard—that this is going to usher in a new age in the town of Mayberry, where broken appliances are refurbished by the simple laying on of hands from Ernie Ballard, Master Repairman.

GOOBER: Hey, maybe I’ll take my tape recorder in there, too…it’s been on the blink for six months and all Emmett ever did to it was hit it with his rubber hammer…

HOWARD: Yeah, I know…he operates under the theory that everything’s “stuck”…he did the same thing with my alarm clock and knocked the bell clean off of it…

GOOBER: I think there’ll be a lot of people in Mayberry who’ll want that kid Ernie to work on their stuff…

HOWARD: I wouldn’t be a bit surprised…

GOOBER: You know, Howard…Emmett havin’ his arm in that cast might be one of the best things that ever happened to Mayberry…

The way these two idiots start laughing at the mere contemplation of Emmett’s ineptitude is sort of disturbing…and hilarious at the same time.  “Let’s go break his other arm!” I can picture Howard saying.

“Better still…I’ll arrange to run over ‘em with my truck,” Goober says with a twinkle.  Instead, Goober rushes off down the street where he runs into a Mayberry face we haven’t seen in some time (though he’s been referenced in an episode or two): the inscrutable Elmo, owner of the town drugstore (and played by veteran character actor Vince Barnett).

ELMO: Hello, Goober—what’s your hurry?

GOOBER: Oh…hey, Elmo…sorry…I was on my way home to pick up my tape recorder and take it over to the fix-it shop… (After a pause) Well, didn’t you hear the news?

ELMO: What’s that?

GOOBER: Emmett Clark busted his arm!

ELMO: Well, you seem awfully pleased about it…

Beautiful delivery by Barnett.

GOOBER; Well, no…I mean…he’s got a lateral fracture and everything—but with him out of commission, he’s got a young fella named Ernie workin’ for him who’s a whiz!

ELMO: Can he fix tape recorders?  (Waving a finger) They’re pretty tricky…

GOOBER: Sounds like he can fix anything!  He did a great job on Sam’s calendar clock, and Howard’s givin’ him his malted milk machine!

ELMO: Howard has a malted milk machine?

Yeah, you’ve probably guessed by now that this is the “repetitive funny” line I mentioned in the first paragraph of this essay.  Hearing about all this amazing repair activity prompts Elmo to muse as to whether Ernie the Great and Powerful can fix a can opener of his that’s on the fritz.  “Emily’s had to open my supper by hand for the past two weeks,” he says sadly, referring to Mrs. Elmo.  Goober excuses himself and races off to get his tape recorder “before Ernie gets too busy”…and in a scene shift, we see the young man hard at work repairing an identified appliance.  Emmett is seated in his trusty chair by the cash register, accepting a mixer from a female patron and letting her know that she can expect the work to be done in two weeks.  Then Elmo presents Emmett with his broken can opener.

EMMETT: Now, Elmo…let’s take a look at this…can opener… (Emmett picks it up and shakes it slightly, then sets it back down on the counter and taps on it with a mallet before picking it up again for another shake) Well…nothing sounds loose in there…that’s usually a good sign…

ELMO: The motor runs good, but it runs slow…it crackles, and smokes…

EMMETT: Oh, that’s probably your armature…

ERNIE (interjecting): If it was a burned-out armature it wouldn’t run at all…sounds like the brushes, Mr. Clark…

EMMETT (turning back to Elmo): Then again, it could be your brushes…

ELMO: How long you do think it’ll take Ernie to fix it?

EMMETT (irritated): I can have it for you in about three weeks…

The next customer to bring in a broken appliance is identified in the closing credits as “Harry”…but he’s no stranger to R.F.D., as he was also in the previous episode “New Couple in Town,” playing a “Mr. Carver.”  It’s pozz'ble, just pozz'ble, as my friend Toby would say (a nod to Deputy Dawg's Muskie Muskrat), that it could be the same character…but here’s where things get tricky.  Richard Collier is also credited at the IMDb with playing “Harry” in the first season R.F.D. outing “Sam the Expert Farmer.”  I’ve previously covered that show on the blog, and while the character is briefly referenced by Sam we never actually see him.  There are two explanations to explore here: 1) the IMDb is wrong (and that’s just crazy talk) or 2) Collier’s “Harry” is in “Expert Farmer” but his scenes ended up on the cutting room floor from the edited-for-syndication trimming that has victimized so many of these reruns.  All you need to know regarding R.F.D. and Collier’s Harry, however, is that he apparently runs a supply store…though he would seem a bit overdressed if that is indeed his occupation in this episode.

HARRY: It crushes the ice all right…but the pieces are much too big…

EMMETT (examining the ice crusher, he slides a compartment in and out): Drawer’s got a nice slide to it…

HARRY: Oh, it worked fine for a couple of years…

ERNIE: If the flywheel bearing is worn…it’ll throw the blades out of line… (He picks the ice maker up off the counter) Cancel out all the fine adjustments…

EMMETT (after an embarrassing pause): Well, I can give it a routine overhaul if you like, Harry…but personally at our house, when we want crushed ice—I put it in a flour sack and smack it with a mallet!

But Harry insists that Emmett “have the boy give it a going-over” and then give him a call when it’s ready.  As he heads out of the shop, he runs into Goober—who after greeting Harry hilariously asks him in a stage whisper “Did you bring anything in?”  Harry nods solemnly.  (I did laugh at this.)

GOOBER: How are ya, Emmett!  And there’s Ernie, huh… (Loudly) How are you, Ernie?

ERNIE: Fine, Mr. Pyle…

EMMETT (after a pause): You want something, Goober?

GOOBER: Me?  Well, I just dropped in to ask…uh…how’s the ol’ arm, Emmett?

EMMETT: It’s broken!

GOOBER: Yeah, well…I know that…I mean, how’s it comin’ along and all that?  When will the cast be off?

EMMETT: Well…be at least another four weeks…

GOOBER: Four weeks, huh?  No chance of gettin’ it off any sooner?

EMMETT: No…

GOOBER: Well, in that case…

Goober presents Emmett with the tape recorder that is in need of repair.  An embarrassed Emmett reads off the model number, then remarks “It’s one of them, huh?”

“Yeah,” answers His Goobness.  Then so Ernie can hear: “It don’t work at all!”  Ernie sheepishly looks at Emmett as his mentor rewards him with a scowl.  Telling Goober “We’ll check it,” we take our leave of the fix-it shop and follow Howard into Sam’s office as our hero attempts to set a clock hanging on the wall.

SAM: What have you got there?

HOWARD: My malted milk machine!

SAM: You have a malted milk machine?

You cannot tell me that’s not funny.

HOWARD: Yeah…I just picked it up over at the fix-it shop…boy, Emmett’s business is certainly booming…

SAM: Yeah…isn’t that great?

HOWARD: Yeah…funny, you know…he was so worried and all when he first broke his arm…it’s funny how it worked out…

SAM: Yeah…thank goodness it turned out all right…

HOWARD: Yeah…yeah…I just wonder if he’s going to keep that kid on when his arm comes out of the cast…

SAM: Well…it’d be the smartest thing he ever did…

So I’m guessing Ernie’ll be standing in the unemployment line soon.  Howard laughs at Sam’s observation, and as we return to the fix-it shop Emmett has been reduced to answering the telephone with his good hand.

EMMETT (into the receiver): Fix-it shop…oh, hello, Harry…huh?  Uh, just a minute… (He slides the phone in Ernie’s direction) It’s for you…it’s on the ice crusher…

As Ernie explains to Harry what the problem is, Emmett has finally reached the end of his rope.  This, of course, would make for a great R.F.D. episode (“Brother Clark ended it all by jumping into Myers’ Lake…”) but instead he leaves the fix-it shop and winds up in Sam’s office for a man-to-man with Mayberry’s resident sage:

EMMETT (dejectedly slumping into a chair): Sam, I wanna talk to you…

SAM (not looking up from his typing): Sure…sure, go ahead…

EMMETT: Sam…you’ve been a pretty good friend of mine…

“Even though you did run against me in the Andy Griffith Show episode ‘Sam for Town Council’…you son of a…”

EMMETT: …I want you to be the first to know I’ve come to a decision…

SAM: Yeah…what kind of a decision?

EMMETT: I’m leavin’ Mayberry…

I’d tell you that balloons and confetti start dropping down from the ceiling upon this utterance, and all the Mayberry R.F.D. regulars file into the office wearing party hats and the like…but that’s just me being a wiseass again.

SAM (his typing stops): Leaving Mayberry?

EMMETT: Yeah…closin’ up the fix-it shop…maybe open up a place in Mt. Pilot…

…and the marrow of every man, woman and child in that burg began to chill like never before.  Sam is incredulous at hearing this news, and Emmett explains to him that “everything has changed.”  When pressed on this, Emmett elucidates further: “You remember how people used to come in with all their gadgets…sit around and chew the fat while I fixed a lawn mower or some kid’s tricycle or somethin’?”

“Yeah,” replies Sam.  “Well, now they’re all linin’ up with a bunch of silly tape recorders and ice crushers and modern stuff like that,” continues Emmett.  “All askin’ for Ernie!  I tell ya, it ain’t Emmett’s Fix-It Shop anymore.”

So Sam has to enlighten Emmett that to everything (turn turn turn) there is a season (turn turn turn) and a time to every purpose under Heaven.  He manages to do this with a totally straight face by illustrating that it’s difficult for him to adapt at times with modern farming methods (only when he’s ever engaged in such activity is still a mystery for the ages):

SAM: There are new challenges in every field…look at me now, for instance…I-I work with a lot of these kids in the 4-H program…and let me tell ya, when it comes to modern farming methods these kids really keep me on my toes!

EMMETT: But, Sam…you’ve been farmin’ for years!

I swear, sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

SAM: Well, sure I have…but you know I still spend one or two nights a week studying up on the latest techniques?  Reading the latest Department of Agriculture bulletins?

EMMETT: You do?

SAM: Sure I do!  I can’t afford to let these kids get any smarter than I am…

“I don’t actually put any of this crap into practice…but at least I can lock myself away in my room, secure in knowing that I don’t have to listen to that doltish son of mine for the better part of the evening…”  There is a simple solution to Emmett’s ignorance: Sam places a call to the local high school, and arranges for his friend to sit in on the same science class as apprentice Ernie…said period being taught by this man:

Yes, it’s the incomparable Jason Wingreen…who is certainly no stranger to the fine, outstanding folks who make Thrilling Days of Yesteryear a part of their weekly nostalgic blogging experience.  I have mentioned this before, but for an amazing reminiscence on Wingreen’s career, you should read this two-part interview conducted by The Classic TV History Blog’s Stephen Bowie with the man who—knock wood—will celebrate his ninety-second natal anniversary in October.  (The interview contains one of my all-time favorite show business stories, a hilarious anecdote involving Wingreen’s Archie Bunker’s Place co-star Bill Quinn that makes me roll with mirth every time I hear it.)  Jason has a brief bit here (seriously—it’s like his class period is less than a minute) as science instructor Mr. Desmond, whose only purpose for being in this episode is to demonstrate that Emmett has not completely retreated into fogeyism that he can’t run with a few of the young dogs when it comes to electronics.  “It’s a pleasure to have Mr. Clark sitting in with us in this course,” Desmond lectures the rest of the class, “to keep himself current on the recent advances in technology.  And we’re very fortunate in turn…to get the benefits of his long years of experience in the practical world of science.”

Sam stops by just as the class bell rings because he’s magnanimous enough to give Emmett a lift home so he doesn’t have to drive with a busted flipper.  So let’s slap a coda on this baby and call it a day with a quick scene back in Sam’s office…

HOWARD: Now, as a point of fact…the younger generation has brought the older folks up short down through the ages…Alexander the Great was only sixteen when he took over the government in his father’s absence…

GOOBER: Alexander Great?  I don’t believe I know him…

HOWARD (after giving him a look): Well, anyway…I’m glad Emmett’s sitting in on these science classes…it’s changed his whole attitude!  Given him confidence!

SAM: Yeah, I’ll say…he used to charge me sixty cents to replace the batteries in my transistor radio?  Yesterday he called it an “electrical regeneration” and soaked me two bucks!

HOWARD: Well, I’m glad I got my malted milk machine in there before the prices shot up…

GOOBER (to Sam): Did you know Howard’s got a malted milk machine?

Okay, I confess…I just wanted to reference that one last time.

Well, what news do we have with regards to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™—the finely-calibrated device that tallies the number of episodes Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) has appeared in during her brief association (the first two seasons) of Mayberry R.F.D?  Sadly, it once again budges not a nonce...but it’s not something I need to have boy wonder Ernie look at; she simply does not appear in this episode (so the count remains at six appearances for this season, with a total of eighteen appearances overall), nor does the only reason why anybody would ever look at this series with more than just morbid curiosity, bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka).  However, Aunt Bee fans can rejoice in the knowledge that she will be around for next week’s episode, “The New Well”…and barring a last-minute emergency, I’ll be presenting it to you on the next Mayberry Mondays.