Mayberry Mondays #43: “Emmett and the Ring” (02/02/70, prod. no. 0220)

This week’s installment of Mayberry Mondays is going to be a little truncated—yes, even more so than its usual syndicated trimming to twenty-two minutes.  What transpires here is similar to what happened in an earlier write-up, “Howard’s Hobby”—there are some technical difficulties that occur with the copy of this episode (in “Hobby” it was a brief satellite outage…in “Ring” it’s an EBS announcement) and some of the sparkling witty banter exchanged between the cast members goes missing.  I know you are devastated to hear this…but I’d also like for this to serve as an example to the TDOY faithful that collecting TV shows on bootleg DVDs can frequently be fraught with peril.  Maybe—not in my lifetime, natch, but perhaps when my niece and nephew reach adulthood—the people who sell these shows for a living will realize that it’s a good idea to check the quality and content of their product instead of stamping “I give these shows a 7.5 out of 10” over everything.  (You may say that I’m a dreamer—but I’m not the only one.)

The latest installment opens in the familiar environs of Mayberry’s resident fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman), who seems a little distant and more agitated than usual.  Could it be because he knows about the 20–second dialogue gap that’s coming up?  Or maybe it’s because pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) and village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) are whiling away precious moments they could be using to start families by playing checkers?

GOOBER (after moving a checker piece): I guess you didn’t figger on that… (After a pause) I say, I guess you didn’t figger on that…

HOWARD: Oh, Goober…I had my eye on that square…just praying you’d move there! (He jumps two of Goober’s men)

EMMETT: Finish up that game, you guys…I gotta close up early!

GOOBER: Okay, okay…

And then we have the “weekly test” interruption, as you can see in the above screen cap.  When it’s finished, the first thing we hear Emmett say is “…a lot of precision tools around here…and valuable appliances.”  So apparently this EBS test has had such an effect on this rerun that it’s plunged the town of Mayberry into another dimension, where Emmett’s job is actually an important one.  Emmett picks up a clock—namely the one that hangs in the city council office, where we frequently observe poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer Sam Jones (Ken Berry) setting it in a sort of running gag—and tosses it into a cardboard box, and then picks up a large number of tools in his apron, throwing them into a box as well.  The noise startles Goober a little, almost to the same degree as a vacuum cleaner might spook a family pet.

HOWARD: Come on, Goober!

GOOBER: How can I move?  He’s got me all rattled!

Goober makes his move, and Howard responds by jumping over more of his men.  He is quite gleeful about this, which is a little unfair…it’s like the feeling of triumph when you present a closed hand to that same family pet, telling it you’ve got food…and then opening it to reveal nothing. “You see what you made me do?” he shouts at Emmett.  “You upset my whole equilibrium!”

“Where did you learn that word?” asks an amused Emmett.  “That happens to be my business,” Goober responds hurtfully.  Well, the bridge game can’t start until Sam arrives on the scene, so now is as good a time as any for him to come in through the front door of the fix-it shop.

GOOBER (to Sam): Emmett just lost a big checker game for me…

HOWARD (to Emmett): Where are you off to in such a big hurry anyway, Emmett?

EMMETT: I gotta get over to that jewelry shop in Mt. Pilot…takin’ over Martha’s engagement ring…

SAM: Oh, yeah?  What for?

EMMETT: Well, next week’s our wedding anniversary…and as my gift to her, I’m havin’ it cleaned for her…

GOOBER (laughing): Boy, when it comes to bein’ cheap…

Fans of The Andy Griffith Show might remember that Emmett’s thriftiness regarding each time his anniversary rolls around was the subject of an eighth season episode entitled “Emmett’s Anniversary.”  You would think that after the events that took place in that outing he would have wised up a little.  Fortunately for our R.F.D. mockery purposes, he’s still an idiot.

EMMETT: Let me tell you somethin’…it wasn’t cheap when I bought it…take a look at that diamond…

“Yeah—I remember when Cracker Jack prizes were really something back then…”

HOWARD: Hey—that is a big one!

That’s what she said.  (I’m sorry, that was way too easy.)

EMMETT: Guess what this dude set me back?

SAM: Plenty, I’ll bet…

EMMETT: Five hundred bucks!  That was twenty-eight years ago… (Laughing) Never had that much cash on hand before or since…

SAM: You know, I think diamonds have gone up a lot…you probably made a good investment there, Emmett… (He notices that Emmett has placed the council office clock in that cardboard box by the counter)

EMMETT: Yeah, I guess so…I wish I had that dough on me now, though…I can really make an investment…

“Any of you fellas heard of Facebook?”

EMMETT: You guys know Wendell Ormsby, don’tcha?

HOWARD/SAM: Yeah…

GOOBER: Used to have the hiccups a lot…

EMMETT: That was his brother Martin!  Wendell was the one who became a big stockbroker!

SAM: Yeah, he was always pretty sharp…

GOOBER: Well, half the time he had a paper sack over his head…trying to stop the hiccups…

EMMETT: That was Martin!

GOOBER: With that sack on his head, you never was sure…

Every episode of Mayberry R.F.D…there’s at least one laugh-out-loud moment.

HOWARD: So anyway, Emmett…what about Wendell?

EMMETT: Well, Martha and me…saw Wendell and his wife the other night in Mt. Pilot…just for old times’ sake…he gave me a real inside tip…on a sure thing!

SAM (still futzing with the clock): What do you mean…on the stock market?

EMMETT: Yeah!  Affiliated Enterprise—you know, it’s one of them big conglomerates?  It’s gonna take over Deedly Tool and Die…uh, Deedly’s stock’s now selling about ten dollars a share…but when this merger is announced, it’s liable to double…maybe even triple!

GOOBER: Wow! (He whistles through his teeth)

EMMETT: A lot of people are gonna make it big…not yours truly…

In the words of the great Willie Stark: “If the Almighty had intended for you to be rich he'd have taken care of that a long time ago. The idea of you being rich...that's plain blasphemy…”  Sam, who’s been understandably fixated on the office clock during this entire dialogue exchange (that’s actually his reason for coming in—to see if it’s been repaired), asks Emmett about it…who tells him that he’ll have it ready for him later in the week.  “It needs a very delicate adjustment,” is Emmett’s diagnosis…just as he throws the clock down in the box with a clatter.  As the men start to file out of the shop, Goober sits with his thoughts (snicker) and muses out loud: “I wished I had a million dollars…”  Emmett quickly ushers him out.

There is then a dissolve to that jewelry store in Mt. Pilot—who’s run by a familiar movie and TV character face.  Arthur Peterson is easily recognizable as the eternally befuddled Major on the 1977-81 sitcom Soap, but around Rancho Yesteryear we also know him for a small role in our favorite Boris Karloff film, Targets (1968).  His other film appearances include Call Northside 777 (he’s the assistant to the polygraph guy), One Man’s Way, The Young Animals and The Great Northfield Minnesota Raid.  He’s identified in the show credits only as “Jeweler,” but I’ll refer to him as “Peterson.”  (Actually, that’s what Emmett calls him…and don’t think that the notion of me starting to think like Emmett isn’t disturbing.)

PETERSON (peering at the ring through a loupe): Well…don’t see many like this…

EMMETT: Pretty special, huh?

PETERSON: Uh-huh…

EMMETT: What do you figure she’s worth today?

PETERSON: Well…if you had to duplicate it…it’d cost you about fifteen hundred dollars…

EMMETT: Yeah…I figured it was up there…

PETERSON: Mm-hmm…well…that ought to…polish up real nice…shall we say…uh…day after tomorrow?

That’s copacetic with Emmett, and as he’s looking around he can’t help but notice some additional rings on display…and one particular bauble has caught his eye…

EMMETT: Hey, uh…Mr. Peterson…

PETERSON: Oh, uh…yes sir?

EMMETT: Look…uh…this one…right here in the front row…that looks a lot like my wife’s stone…

PETERSON: Oh?  Does it?  (He pulls the tray of rings out from the display)

EMMETT: Yeah…

PETERSON: You mean…uh…this one? (He hands Emmett the ring)

EMMETT: Yeah…yeah…just about the same size stone…

EMMETT: What’s it worth?

PETERSON: Thirty-five dollars…

EMMETT: What?

PETERSON: It’s synthetic…it’s made in a factory…

EMMETT: No kiddin’!  I can’t tell the difference!

PETERSON: Oh…it’ll fool almost anybody…except a jeweler…

“Other than that, it’s 100% bumpkin proof…how many shall I put you down for?”

EMMETT: Same size…same cut, too…huh…

PETERSON: That’s right…

EMMETT: Hmm…

I interrupt this episode to issue a warning to any married man who might be happening to read this blog.  For the love of all that is holy—don’t even consider doing what has just crossed Emmett’s mind…

EMMETT: Hold it…hold it…uh…I’d like to ask you a question…

PETERSON: Well, shoot…

EMMETT: Confidentially…what do you think my wife’s stone would bring in a hock shop?

PETERSON: Well…maybe…twelve, thirteen hundred dollars…

EMMETT (after a pause): Whaddya know…

Well, that’s the plot…and of course, what’s the use of having friends if you can’t brag to them about the bone-headed stunt you’ve just pulled?

EMMETT: Hey…I was just on my way back from Mt. Pilot…

“Which is the only thing you can do once you arrive in Mt. Pilot…” (Rimshot!)

EMMETT (opening the case containing the ring): Thought you guys might like to see this before I give it to Martha…

(Both Sam and Howard “ooh” and “ahh”)

HOWARD: Hey!  They really cleaned that up, didn’t they? Hah?

SAM: Yeah…yeah…oh, yeah, Emmett—that…that really catches the light now…

HOWARD: Boy…Martha’s sure gonna be pleased…

SAM: Yeah… (Emmett starts chuckling loudly) What?  What’s the joke?

EMMETT: The joke’s on you two guys!  That’s not the same diamond!  In fact, that’s not a diamond at all…it’s a thirty-five dollar synthetic!

SAM: You’re kiddin’!

HOWARD: Boy…you sure could have fooled me…

Yes, because ever since his first appearance on The Andy Griffith Show, Howard’s hobbies have included his rock collection, coin collection, stamp collection…and appraisal of jewelry.

SAM: Yeah…me, too…well…where’s the real diamond?

EMMETT: Oh, I…uh…I borrowed eleven hundred on it…to hold it for security…

SAM: You pawned Martha’s engagement ring?

EMMETT: Ah…it’s perfectly safe!  I took the $1100 over to Wendell Ormsby…he bought me a hundred shares of Deedly Tool and Die…when that merger goes through, that Deedly stock’s gonna zoom out of sight!  I’ll sell…get the ring out of hock…and I’ll be three or four thousand dollars richer…

HOWARD: And you didn’t tell Martha?

EMMETT: Of course not!

“Otherwise, I’d be talkin’ to you fellas via Ouija board!”

EMMETT: Look…I’m doin’ this just as much for Martha as for me!  With the money I clear—I can buy her a brand-new washer!  Maybe even a dryer!  Heh…the money will be for both of us…

SAM: Aw, Emmett…you fooled Howard and me all right…but Martha…that’s another thing…she’s had that ring on her finger for, what, twenty-five years now!

EMMETT: Sam…the way I’ll handle it…she’ll never suspect a thing…

I love when cocky comes back to bite people in the ass.  I’m also pleased to see that they were able to work Martha Clark (Mary Lansing), Emmett’s missus, into the proceedings—the last time we saw her was in the first season R.F.D. episode “Emmett’s Retirement”; the one where Emmett finds that not doing anything is just the same as puttering around in his fix-it shop.  Martha is reading the paper when Emmett returns to their happy home after a tiring day of selling off her mementos.

EMMETT: Hello, baby!

MARTHA (not looking up, but handing him part of the paper): Hello, dear…here’s your sports…

EMMETT: How was your day?

MARTHA: Oh…same as usual…

EMMETT (laughing, then giving her a peck on the cheek): Angel…

MARTHA (surprised): Well! You must have had a good day!

“What’s her name and how long has this been going on?”

EMMETT (reaching into his pocket): I almost forgot to tell ya…I picked up your ring today!  (He hands the box to her)

MARTHA: Oh, good!  I missed it!

EMMETT (hanging up his coat in the closet): He did a good job on it…uh… (Martha puts the ring on her finger as Emmett continues to babble) Traffic’s gettin’ worse and worse over there in Mt. Pilot…unless you go over there first thing in the mornin’…by the time you get there…the…the stores are ready to close…I…I…have such a hard time tryin’ to park, I might as… (He notices that Martha is looking at the ring while its on her finger) What are you doin’?

MARTHA: Well…I can’t get over it!  It looks different since it’s been cleaned!

EMMETT: Well, of course it looks different…it looks clean!

MARTHA: Oh, Emmett…this ring means so much to me…I appreciate your thoughtfulness in having it fixed and cleaned for me…

EMMETT: Heh heh heh…one thing I can’t stand, it’s dirty diamonds!

I feel like I’m channeling Bill Forman: “So, Emmett…you think you’ve gotten away with it…never realizing that fate is just waiting around the next corner to trip you up…for I…am the Whistler!”  Emmett is in his shop the next day and he hands Sam the council office clock, announcing that it will now keep perfect time and charging our hero two bucks for the work.  Enter…an idiot:

GOOBER: Hey, Emmett…looks like Wendell Ormsby was right…

EMMETT: Wendell Ormsby?

GOOBER: The one without the sack on his head… (He bites into an apple)

EMMETT: Right about what?

GOOBER: What he told you about the affiliated whatchamacallit and that other company…

SAM: You mean the merger?

GOOBER: Well…there’s a feller in the station who left an afternoon edition of the Raleigh newspaper…and there it was…right on the front page…

EMMETT: What was???

GOOBER (to Sam): Why is he gettin’ all excited?

SAM: Goob…was the merger officially announced?

GOOBER: Well, how should I know?  I just seen what I told ya…I didn’t read it…

EMMETT: He didn’t read it!

Emmett, who at this point is practically apoplectic, calms down when Sam suggests he call the Raleigh paper to get the story.  As Emmett asks Mayberry phone operator Sara to connect him with Raleigh, Goober intones: “There’s somethin’ goin’ on here that I don’t know about.”  Emmett gives Sam the okay to fill Goober in on just what he’s done, and when Sam has finished Goober stares at Emmett saying “Emmett Clark—you ought to be ashamed of yourself.”  At that point, Martha enters the fix-it shop and Emmett immediately gives Sara the brush-off.

EMMETT (to Martha): I’m just callin’ about some supplies…

GOOBER: Yeah…he wasn’t doin’ nothin’ you wasn’t supposed to know about…

SAM: Goober…

MARTHA: I just stopped by to see what I should get for supper…

EMMETT: Oh…anything’s fine with me…whatever you wanna get…

MARTHA: Oh…I could have a beef roast…

EMMETT: Fine!  Fine!

MARTHA: Oh, but it’s so late…and roast takes time…what would you say to lamb chops?

EMMETT: I’d say hooray!  Hip hip hooray!  Lamb chops!  Perfect!  Bye!

(Martha starts laughing, and as she turns to leave she suddenly stops and turns back around)

MARTHA: Oh, Emmett…you’ll get a big laugh out of this…remember when Wendell Ormsby was acting the big know-it-all when we saw him and Cloris the other night?  Bragging about his inside sources…his connections, remember?

EMMETT: Yeah…ha ha…

MARTHA: Well, Mr. Know-It-All was 100% wrong…

EMMETT (his face falls): About what?

MARTHA: I heard it on the radio this afternoon—that merger didn’t go through!

If this was an animated cartoon, Emmett’s head would have been replaced by a braying jackass right about now…

EMMETT: Didn’t go through…

MARTHA: So Wendell Ormsby isn’t as smart as he thought he was… (She laughs) Bring home a good appetite… (To Sam and Goober) Bye, fellas…

Somebody should invest in Union Camp, because I have a feeling a certain fix-it man is going to be wearing a lot of paper sacks on his head from now on.  Emmett keeps repeating “Didn’t go through…” as if he was shell-shocked, and Sam attempts to console him.  “It’s not the end of the world,” he tells his chum.

“Don’t tell me it’s not the end of the world!  Guess I know the end of the world when I see it!”  Well, it’s the end of the first-half of the episode, anyway (and I feel fine)…so let’s get in a few plugs for General Foods products.

Back from commercial, the Clarks are seated at dinner…enjoying the splendid lamb chop repast that Martha has prepared.  And I say this with just a slight hint of sarcasm, because although I will eat lamb chops they are not my favorite item on the carnivores menu.  Martha notices that Emmett isn’t eating much, but he counters that “I’m just takin’ it slow—I wanna enjoy it more.”

EMMETT: Martha…the other night…when we saw Wendell Ormsby…

MARTHA: That kind of upset you…didn’t it, Emmett?

EMMETT: No…I wouldn’t say it upset me…

MARTHA (sighing): Well, I admit it upset me at the time…seeing Wendell and Cloris like that…listening to him…so smooth and successful…envy, I guess, is the word for it…I thought, why couldn’t we have a little of what they seemed to have?

EMMETT: Yeah, I know—and I’m glad you brought it up…

MARTHA (interrupting him): …and then tonight, cooking dinner—I was thinking how foolish I was…now how can I possibly envy anyone who has less than us?

EMMETT: Less than us?

MARTHA: What we’ve got…we’ve got…it’s real…solid…

“Solid as a rock/That’s what this love is…”

MARTHA: …nothing that can be changed in any way by what happens in Wall Street tomorrow or, didn’t happen in Wall Street today…

EMMETT (faltering): Martha…what happens or doesn’t happen on Wall Street can even affect people like us!

MARTHA: And then I looked at my ring…I’ve had more compliments on it since you had it cleaned foe mw…I looked at it and said “Martha—you’re a very lucky woman…”

Married to the world’s most imbecilic husband.

MARTHA: “…far too lucky to waste even a second envying Cloris Ormsby or anyone else…” (She gazes at her ring) How many women ever have anything as beautiful as this?

Grade school girls pumping quarters into gumball machines?

EMMETT: Now, Martha…listen…

MARTHA: I know, I know…you hate sentiment…but once in every…twenty-eight years…a woman has a right…to tell her husband once or twice how proud and grateful she is…(Going back to her lamb chops) You were going to tell me something about Wendell Ormsby?

EMMETT: No…uh…I think you just about said it all…

You know, I’d almost feel sorry for Emmett had he not done something so monumentally stupid.  The scene shifts to the council office, where his best friends are trying their best not to snicker at what a knucklehead he is.

EMMETT: Four hundred dollars…

HOWARD: That’s all you got for the stock?

EMMETT: Yeah…

GOOBER: That leaves ya six hundred short…

EMMETT: Yeah…

(He walks over to a filing cabinet and dejectedly presses his head up against it)

SAM: Aw, look, Emmett…I can loan you some money…

HOWARD: Yeah, Emmett—I think I can lend you some, too…

EMMETT: Thanks, fellas…but no…I got myself into this mess…I’ll get out of it…

GOOBER: Well, what are you figgering to do, Emmett?

EMMETT: Tighten up my belt…save any way I can…

“By the way…from now on before I fix anything…there’ll be a $25 consultation fee…”

SAM: Well…you’re not going to tell Martha anything about it?

EMMETT: No…no…with what ring means to her, I never want her to know what I done…

Wait for it…

MARTHA: …and it occurred to me that with the price of diamonds going up, I ought to have it appraised for additional insurance…

Yes, it would appear Martha is a few steps ahead of her lunkheaded husband.  She hands it to the second jeweler in our fable today, played by character actor Byron Morrow in his second of two Mayberry R.F.D. appearances (he previously turned up in “The Race Horse”).  Morrow has a very lengthy boob tube resume, guest starring on such series as Bat Masterson, Perry Mason, The Untouchables, Bonanza and Star Trek (he was in both “Amok Time” and “For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky”).  Morrow’s only regular TV gig was as a cast member on the short-lived nighttime soap Executive Suite (1976-77), which was based on the 1954 feature film of the same name.

FINLETTER: Well, I think that’s very wise…beautiful ring…

MARTHA: Yes, isn’t it?  I’m so used to wearing it I…was taking it for granted until Mr. Clark had it cleaned for me…

FINLETTER: Aw…

MARTHA: But of course, insurance money could never replace what that means to me…

Morrow’s character, Mr. Finletter, is credited as a “Jeweler” in the closing credits of this episode…but that doesn’t seem quite right.  In the first place, if he were a jeweler he’d know right off Martha’s ring is a phony hunk of ice.  In the second, his next line here seems to suggest that he’s actually an insurance guy—so why he wasn’t billed as such I do not know.

FINLETTER: Well, you want to be sure it’s properly covered…well, I’ll have my appraiser look at it and call you later today…

MARTHA: Fine…thank you, Mr. Finletter…

Well, now that the wheels have put in motion for this apple cart to eventually overturn (yeah, I know—it’s a mixing of metaphors but it’s late and I’m starting to nod off) let’s head back to the council office:

EMMETT: Anyway, fellas…another coupla years and this will be a thing of the past…Martha will never know what happened…see ya, fellas…

Emmett leaves the office, presumably to go back to his bus depot bench (he’s really going to need that panhandling money now)…and his friends continue their time-honored tradition of not getting back to work as well.

HOWARD: Boy…some fine day for his wedding anniversary…

SAM: Oh, that’s right—it is today, isn’t it?

GOOBER: Yeah…some way to celebrate…

HOWARD: Hey—you know what might be nice?

GOOBER; What?

HOWARD: If we all chipped in and bought Martha and him some kind of a gift—you know, for their anniversary?

GOOBER: Hey, yeah!  That’d be great!

SAM: Yeah!  That’s a good idea!  Emmett could use a lift today…

GOOBER: What’ll we get ‘em?

HOWARD: Oh, I don’t know…we’ll think of something…

As the think tank begins to mull over the idea of a token of their esteem, there is a dissolve to the three of them standing in the Clark’s living room, talking to a tickled pink Emmett (Goober is holding the present):

EMMETT (laughing): You mean you guys got us a present?  Gee, that’s real nice… (He reaches for the gift but Goober pulls it away)

GOOBER: Where’s Martha?

EMMETT: I don’t know…she wasn’t home when I got here…maybe she’s out shoppin’…come on, sit down…

(The four of them head toward the couch and Sam, Goober and Howard sit down while Emmett grabs a nearby ottoman)

HOWARD: Well, do you want to open it now or wait for Martha?

EMMETT: No, why don’t you wait until she gets here…she oughta be here any minute now…

Emmett continues to thank his friends, but is interrupted by Martha’s arrival through the front door.  Declaring this to be a nice surprise, she’s handed the gift and Sam tells the couple “Happy anniversary…from the three of us…to the two of you.”

MARTHA: Oh, now…really…you shouldn’t have!

GOOBER: Well, we did…

MARTHA: Oh…if this isn’t thoughtful! (Martha sits down in a chair and starts to unwrap the gift)

EMMETT: Isn’t that nice?

MARTHA: I just hope you haven’t done anything too extravagant…

GOOBER: Well, we got the best…they had one ten dollars cheaper but we decided to go all the way…

SAM: Yeah…we wanted to get you something you both could enjoy…

(Martha has opened the box)

MARTHA: Emmett, look…an electric blanket!

GOOBER: With dual controls!

EMMETT: Pilot and co-pilot!

I have to tell ya…that is a mighty thoughty gift…particularly since someone’s going to need it when he’s sleeping on the porch tonight.  Martha starts to dash out to the kitchen to get coffee and cake for the trio, despite their protests…and then the phone rings.  As Martha conducts her conversation, the four numbnuts chat amongst themselves about the wonders of electric blankets.

MARTHA: Hello?  Oh…yes, Mr. Finletter…bad news?  (Upon hearing this, the four of them stop talking and direct their attention to Martha) Thirty-five dollars!  Uh…well…there must be some mistake, uh…that rings is worth at least a thousand or fifteen hundred… (Goober turns his back, readying for the eventual explosion) Yes…yes, Mr. Finletter…I understand…thank you…

That look on Emmett’s face is worth a thousand laughs.  I just hope it remains intact after all the time he’s going to have to spend in the body cast.

EMMETT: Martha…I-I tried to explain…

MARTHA: What did you do with my lovely diamond?

EMMETT: Uh...

SAM: We have to be running along, Emmett…

HOWARD: Yeah…yeah…we’ll take a rain check on the cake…

EMMETT: I used it as security…tell her, Sam…

MARTHA: He pawned it!  Isn’t that what he’s saying, Howard?

HOWARD: Well, yes, uh…I guess that’s what he’s trying to say…

MARTHA: Pawned my ring!

EMMETT: I invested a thousand dollars in Deedly Tool and Die Company! I was gonna buy you a washing machine!  Tell her, Sam!

SAM: Yeah…uh…Emmett was just trying to do what he thought was best, Martha…

MARTHA (upset): I was so proud of it!  And of you!  All the time it’s nothing but a piece of glass!

EMMETT: But…I-I-I…

MARTHA: Made me look like a fool!

Well, from here on out…things don’t go quite the way I’d hoped.  In real life, if any husband had done what Emmett did there’d be an episode of Divorce Court in his future.  Instead, Martha stomps upstairs, intending to pack her things and leave to go to her mother’s in Akron.  Emmett spends his time on the first floor, yelling up the stairs at her, while Sam and Howard attempt to talk him into reconciling.

Goober has gone upstairs to see what can be done about Martha…but she’s just as stubborn, and she balances her time between packing and yelling down the stairs at Emmett.  Finally, she’s ready to leave:

MARTHA: Sam…Howard…I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of this…

SAM: Well…

MARTHA: I mustn’t miss my bus…

GOOBER: I can run you over to the station…

SAM: Goob…

MARTHA: There’s fried chicken and scalloped corn in the oven…cole slaw in the icebox...

EMMETT: For better or for worse!  That’s what the preacher said!  I make one little slip—zoom!  Back to Akron!

MARTHA (getting her purse and her gloves): Better not eat too much cole slaw…you know how it upsets your stomach… (To Goober) How could he do it?  Pawning my ring…and to find out the way I did, from my insurance man!  I’m so mortified…oh, you’d better take some bicarbonate just in case…

EMMETT: If I was just thinkin’ of myself, it’d be different…but…watch where you sit on that bus!  You caught an awful cold the last time you sat on that bus!

Martha then remembers that they’re out of bicarbonate (Emmett used it the last time she made chili) and so she’s going to call the drugstore to send over some.  Sam looks at Howard, and they realize that this argument is going to work itself out…so they head out the door, with Howard yanking Goober with them.

MARTHA: My beautiful ring…

EMMETT: Uh…you still got the setting, Martha…there’s just as much love in that as a diamond…

And then Martha became known in Mayberry as “The Widow Clark.”  No, we simply aren’t that lucky—the two of them make up as Sam, Howard and Goober spy on them through the front door curtains.  “I guess he don’t have to get the ring out of hock now,” muses Goober in a really lame ending to this episode.

“Emmett and the Ring” has an equally lame coda, so I’m going to spare you the gruesome details—the only bright spot is a brief bit of amusing comedy where Sam tries to set the clock that Emmett allegedly fixed…and one of the clock hands snaps off in the process.  Goober wanders in with three bottles of root beer (Howard was already there, sitting at Sam’s desk) and…well, the rest of it is rather pointless.

I hadn’t expected another bone of contention to crop up in this episode—but according to the (always reliable) IMDb, Frances Bavier is listed in the cast credits of “Emmett and the Ring” as having appeared as diabolically wicked housekeeper Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor.  I don’t believe this to be true, despite the fact that disagreeing with the IMDb is just madness at its core, I know.  It is possible that she was in a portion of this episode that ended up on the cutting room floor when syndication rolled around but her name isn’t in the opening credits, so there’s just no telling…the only evidence…is this…

You can just make out Sam and Goober in what was apparently a scene before the conversation between Emmett and Martha over dinner.  I don’t know what this is about—I just find it very mysterious…plus it gives me an opportunity to turn on the dry ice machine.

As well as wheel out Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-O-Meter™, and despite the murky evidence, I am not going to count this as an Aunt Bee episode—so the official tally still stands at seven appearances in the second season…a total of nineteen show-ups overall.  Aunt Bee won’t grace us with her presence next week, either…but we do get the return of the lovely Millie (Arlene Golonka) (and sadly, Mike the Idiot Boy…proving you can’t have everything) in an amusing outing entitled “Goober’s Brother.”