Mayberry Mondays #46: “Millie and the Great Outdoors” (03/02/70, prod. no. 0226)

I know looking at the title of this week’s Mayberry Mondays excursion, it sounds like it’s going to be worth our while—heck, there’s always at least one laugh-out-loud moment in these things, and with “Millie” in the title it will focus on the only reason you ever need to watch an episode of Mayberry R.F.D.: that exquisite goddess of bakery goodness, Millicent “Millie” Swanson (Arlene Golonka).  But I would never lie to you (unless it would result in making me rich) and I don’t plan to start now—this one fell short of my expectations.  Two good things about this go-round, however: no sign of the town’s village idiots, gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and Mike Jones (Buddy Foster), the cretinous son of poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-head-of-city-council Sam Jones (Ken Berry).

I should point out that Goober usually appears in the credits of each episode regardless whether or not he punches a time clock that week…but because Mike is credited in the closing titles, I strongly suspect his participation ended up on the cutting room floor when “Great Outdoors” was snipped for syndication.  But enough dwelling on this: our scene opens in the council office this week, with Sam having a chinwag with pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson)…and fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman) arriving on the scene…

Yeah, Emmett does clean up kind of nice.  Back to the story:

EMMETT: Uh…I just stopped by to say goodbye…

HOWARD: Where you going?

SAM: Goodbye?

EMMETT: Yeah… (He laughs) Me and Martha are goin’ up to Wheeling for a couple of days to kick up our heels…

Okay…I suppose Emmett could mean Wheeling, Illinois…but it makes more geographic sense if he’s talking about Wheeling, West Virginia.  And as a proud native Appalachian highlander (or “hillbilly,” to use the local vernacular), one does not kick up one’s heels in Wheeling.  First of all, I think there’s an ordinance prohibiting that still on the books.  Second…well, I’ll paraphrase the old Fred Allen joke: “I’ve just got back from Wheeling…it’s the only thing you can do once you get there.”  (I’m curious as to the fascination the writers for both R.F.D. and The Andy Griffith Show had for Wheeling—on TAGS it was mentioned that Millie’s folks live there.)

EMMETT: Got a reservation in a motel and everything…you know, they got a TV in every room…

They must be staying in Ohio then.  (Heeeeyyyyooo!!!)

SAM: Well, what are you going to do—just close up the fix-it shop?

EMMETT: Sure…it’ll be there when I get back…

But it will reek of cat urine, because Emmett will foolishly forget to lock the door to the back entrance.

SAM: Boy, I wish I could get away for a couple of days myself…but…between the farm and this council business here I just can’t…

Funniest.  Line.  Ever.

HOWARD: Yeah…I sure could use a breather myself…

EMMETT: Well, I think you guys are crazy if you don’t do somethin’ about it…after all, what are we workin’ for?  So we can enjoy…life’s little pleasures, huh?

For those of you who didn’t quite pick up on the irony of Emmett’s statement, I refer you to an earlier R.F.D. outing, “Emmett’s Retirement.”

“Well, I’m off to Wheeling,” Emmett sings out as he takes his leave of Sam and Howard, who both think that Emmett’s ability to abandon his business without a moment’s notice makes him “a lucky guy.”  After the two of them chew this over for a few seconds, Sam breaks the ice.

SAM (throwing down a piece of paper that was in his hand): Doggone it, Howard…let’s you and I go some place this weekend!

Whoa!  I did not see that coming at all!

HOWARD (chuckling): You know, I was just thinking the same thing…

SAM: Were you?  Really?

HOWARD: Yeah!

SAM: Oh…great…look—I know Millie would love to get away…and maybe you could get a girl, too, huh?

If I laugh out loud this early in the episode—that might be a good sign.

HOWARD: Yeah…yeah, I-I think I know just the one…

SAM: Oh?

HOWARD: You know those evening classes I’ve been taking in photography over at Siler City?

SAM: Yeah?

HOWARD: Well, there’s a girl there I’ve become rather chummy with…

SAM: Oh…really?  Yeah?

HOWARD: …Barbara Evans…

SAM: Ha-ha!  Something cooking there?

HOWARD: No…no…no…no, really…but…well, we have this common interest in photography, and…well, that always makes for a nice relationship…

Especially if it’s candid photography…know what I mean…nudge nudge... But where will Sam and Howard and their women decide to go?  “That’s always the problem,” admits Howard.

The scene shifts to the kitchen located in Casa del Samuel, where the deceptively evil housekeeper Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) is finishing up a few dishes.  She receives a visit from Millie, who is all excited about her and Sam’s weekend getaway.

MILLIE: Is Sam here?

AUNT BEE: No, not yet…

MILLIE: Oh…I thought he’d be home by now…he wanted some ideas on where to go this weekend and I found the most exciting place…

Millie opens up a brochure that reads on the front: “Welcome to Wheeling, West Virginia.”  (No, I’m only kidding about that.)

MILLIE (showing the brochure to Aunt Bee): The Fontainebleau Manor…it’s right outside of Charlotte…

AUNT BEE (besides herself): Oh…my!

MILLIE: It’s just my kind of place!

Cut to Howard’s office.

SAM: Howard…I know just the place we can go this weekend…

Dear Lord, please don’t let him say “the Fontainebleau Manor.”  And if he does, please remind everyone he’s taking Millie.

SAM: A camping trip up to Green Mountain!  Huh?

HOWARD: Hey—that’s a great idea, Sam!

SAM: Yeah…heh…I haven’t been on a camping trip in about three years now…

Okay…I know I did a write-up for “The Camper” back in 2010, so it seems like three years…but in TV time, it’s only been a little over one.

SAM: …and there’s no place I’d rather be than…than out in the woods someplace…you know, miles away from anything…

HOWARD: Boy, it sure appeals to me…and I know Barbara will go for it!  Yeah…

SAM: Hmm…

HOWARD: …give us a chance to get some great wildlife pictures…

SAM: Oh yeah…yeah…we can do some fishing…some hiking…

HOWARD: Have you spoken to Millie about it yet?

SAM: I-I’m sure she’ll love the idea…

HOWARD: Yeah…

SAM: Yeah…we’ll be sleeping right out there on the ground…

Wait for it…

MILLIE: It’s got every comfort you can imagine…uh!  Silk sheets and pillowcases!  Imagine sleeping between silk sheets!

AUNT BEE: Oh!  It says it has a grand ballroom!  Oh, it must be fabulous!

Back at the office…

HOWARD: You’ve got me all charged up about this!  Huh?

SAM: Heh heh…oh, something else that’s great about it—you don’t have to dress up, you know…you can wear your old comfortable clothes…flannel shirts, jeans, boots…

HOWARD: Yeah…

Back in the kitchen…

MILLIE: I’ve got my blue chiffon and matching pumps…it’ll be just perfect for dinner and dancing…

AUNT BEE: They say they have continental cuisine…and their specialty is veal cordon bleu…

Please note in your journals that Aunt Bee pronounces this last word as “blur.”

SAM (to Howard): Have you ever had possum stew?

HOWARD (making a face): Uh…no…no, I don’t believe I have…

SAM: Uh…it’s a little greasy…but…mmm boy!  Mmm mmm!

HOWARD: Wow!

Saying possum stew is a little greasy is like saying raw oysters are a little slippery.  Well, with the volleying back and forth between Howard’s office and Sam’s kitchen, the master of the house finally arrives home…and not a moment too soon for Millie, because “she’s so excited” about the weekend plans.

SAM (seeing Aunt Bee and Millie seated on the couch): I’m glad you’re here…I got great news about the weekend…

MILLIE: Oh?

SAM: Yeah!  We’re going camping!

Buh-what now?

MILLIE: We’re…we’re going what?

SAM: Camping!  Up on Green Mountain!  Way back in the wilderness!

MILLIE: I-In the wilderness?

SAM: Yeah…right out in the open…sounds great, huh?

MILLIE: O-O-Oh…well…uh…

This is not the face of someone eager to go camping.  That’s my mom’s face the night she learned the Jacuzzi in her hotel suite wasn’t working.

SAM: You know, I’ve loved camping ever since I was a little kid!  And it’s okay with Barbara, and it’s okay with Howard…so if it’s okay with you…

MILLIE: W-W-Well…uh…

SAM: Oh, now look—I know you’ll love it…you’ll be crazy about it, I know it… (To Aunt Bee) I’m going to run up in the attic now and check on the fishing equipment and the tents and stuff…so I’ll be down in a few seconds… (Sam starts up the stairs, but then turns back to Millie) Oh…hey…look…you don’t have a sleeping bag…?

MILLIE: No!

SAM: I’ve got an extra one!  (He rushes upstairs.)

MILLIE: Oh…goody…

Well, the plot for this week’s episode has pretty much been set in motion.  When it comes to the suggestion of sleeping out under the stars, Millie—I’m really ashamed that I’m going here, by the way—is not a happy camper.

AUNT BEE: Well…so much for silk sheets…

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that old dame is digging on Millie’s misery.  Twisted and evil.

MILLIE: Oh, I hate camping!

AUNT BEE: Oh…now did you ever try it?

MILLIE: Yes…once…I went with my father…and when I wasn’t scratching or freezing I was crying…I’ll just be a drag on a trip like that…

The scene shifts to the city council office, where Howard’s latest romantic conquest is seated at the big table talking with Howard and Sam.  Her name is Barbara Evans (and Howard seems awfully excited about introducing her to his old flame Millie…something that kind of puzzles me, since he does it a lot—it’s as if he’s subconsciously signaling to Mill, “Look…I can do better than you”) and she’s played by the lovely Corinne (also spelled Corin) Camacho, a model who decided to try acting and began landing guest parts on such series as The Wild Wild West and Bewitched in 1967.

Camacho also went by Corinne Michaels, and as such appeared on such shows as The Bionic Woman (as the fembot in the classic Six Million Dollar Man crossover episode “Kill Oscar”) and The Rockford Files—she had also worked with star James Garner in his 1969 film Marlowe.  Her most high-profile gig was a semi-regular role on TV’s Medical Center (as Dr. Jeanne Bartlett) but she also appeared in story arcs on daytime soaps like Days of Our Lives and Capitol.  She left the business in 1996, moving to New Mexico to start a hospice center…later devoting her interests to being a life coach and composing children’s music (she released a CD in 2006 entitled Love Notes and Lullabies).  She passed away on September 15, 2010 at the age of 68.

SAM: Well…now that we’re all here…we might as well get down to the details, huh?

BARBARA: Let’s decide who brings what…

SAM: Yeah…well, I’m gonna bring all the heavy equipment in my truck… (To Howard) And you’re gonna follow in your car, right…?

HOWARD: Right…

SAM: And Millie…all you have to bring is…

MILLIE (interrupting him): I’m not going…

Dun-dun-dun!!!

SAM: Not going?

HOWARD: What do you mean, you’re not going, Mill?

“How else am I going to show off my new girlfriend?”

MILLIE: Well…camping just isn’t for me…I-I-I’d just be in the way…

SAM: No…nonsense!  Millie, you gotta come…

MILLIE: No…no…I’d just spoil the trip…

BARBARA: Oh, that’s silly…come on, you’ll have a ball!

HOWARD: Yeah!

MILLIE: No…no, really…I’m just not the outdoor type…all those mosquitoes and things…

SAM: Oh…

HOWARD: Well…we’ll take along a can of insect spray, that’s no problem…

BARBARA: Yeah!

MILLIE: No…I don’t want to be sprayed…

Millie clearly does not want to go camping, and she keeps pressing on the others to go without her…but Howard protests, arguing: “Now hold on…that might not be proper!”

“Oh, Howard,” Barbara scolds him.  “Well, I told your mother Millie would be there!” he whines.  (I did laugh at this.)

SAM: No, Millie…I’d hate to go without you…

BARBARA: Yes, come on, Millie…I know you’ll have a good time…

MILLIE: No, no…I’d rather not…the three of you go up there…and do your fishing, and…

BARBARA (interrupting): Oh!  Is there fishing?

SAM: Oh, yeah…great fishing!  Bass…trout…oh…w-why…do you like fishing?

BARBARA: Oh, do I!  It’s just about my favorite sport!

I’m not sure I like where this is going…and I don’t mean calling fishing a sport—I mean the sudden common interest shared by both Sam and Barbara.

SAM: No kidding?

BARBARA: Uh-huh…

SAM: W-Well, what do you do… (Sitting down at the table) Do you do spinning, fly-casting…

BARBARA: Well, both…but strictly lures and spinners…no bait for me…

SAM: No bait…oh, no…we disagree there…I use bait…and I betcha I catch the first fish…

BARBARA: You’re on!

I kind of have to apologize here, folks…apparently this R.F.D. rerun has morphed into an episode of The Roland Martin Show.  (And another thing…Millie is starting to show a teensy bit of jealousy.)

SAM: You’re gonna love this place, Barbara, if you like fishing…beautiful country…if you like hiking…

BARBARA: Oh, I love it! I…

HOWARD: Oh, yeah?

BARBARA: Yeah!  As a matter of fact, I went backpacking last summer for two weeks!

SAM: No kidding…

BARBARA: Uh-huh…

SAM: You’re quite a girl…do you know that?

Millie, ferchrissake—do something!  Not only is she macking on your boyfriend, she’s macking on your ex-boyfriend!

BARBARA: Well, I’ve got four brothers…I had a lot of keeping up to do…

HOWARD: Oh, hey…hey…don’t forget to bring your guitar…Barbara has a great voice…

SAM: And she sings, too!  Well…good…that’s gonna be fun…nothing I like better than sitting around the campfire at night, singing old songs…look…we’re going to have to change a few plans as long as there’s just three of us going…

MILLIE: Sam…I-I changed my mind…I think I will go after all…

Millie’s reconsidering of the camping trip probably came at an opportune time before Barbara got placed any higher on that pedestal being built by both Sam and Howard.  When Howard reminds Millie about the bugs she was bitching about earlier, she smiles and says: “Well, what’s a few mosquitoes—they have to eat, too!”  Sitting down next to Sam and putting her arms around him, the female Millie makes it quite clear to predator Barbara that she had best keep her lunch hooks off her man.

The scene shifts to a camping spot on Green Mountain.  Howard, Barbara and Sam are unpacking items from Sam’s truck, and Millie is inside the tent.  When Sam asks her to come out and lend them a hand…

…yes, apparently Lucille Ball has come along on the camping trip as well.  Well, while the other three campers rescue Millie from her tent prison, now is as good a time as any for a General Foods break.

Back from commercial, Sam is lecturing Millie as if she were an eight-year-old child:

SAM: Uh…Millie?  Lesson number one…there’s a pole in the middle…and that pole holds up the tent…

“Lesson number two, Sam?  Bite me!”

BARBARA: Hey—are we going fishing?

SAM: Now you’re talking!  Yeah…

HOWARD: Hey, wait a minute…maybe we ought to get some firewood first…then we won’t have to worry about it later…

SAM: Well…yeah…all right…we’ll be back in a little while…

BARBARA: We’ll get the tackle ready…

HOWARD: Okay…

MILLIE: Yeah…let’s get the old tackle ready!

So while the men folk go forage for firewood, Millie and Barbara prepare the fishing rods and make awkward small talk.

MILLIE: Uh…Howard’s a…Howard is sure a nice guy…

BARBARA: Yes, he is…so is Sam!

MILLIE: Oh…

“Back off, Bass Queen!  He’s taken!”

MILLIE: I guess Howard’s planning to take a lot of pictures up here…uh…I suppose you are, too…

BARBARA: Yeah…

MILLIE: It must be nice to have a mutual interest like that…I mean…uh…something you can do together…

BARBARA: Mm-hmm…but I’m not quite the bug on it he is…

MILLIE: Oh, but I-I…I know how interested you are in it…you know…I was thinking…you know, when couples go on a trip like this…well…they feel obligated to do  things together…now, please…if you and Howard want to go out and take pictures…hiking…anything…Sam and I will understand…

BARBARA: Well, same for you and Sam…whatever you want to do…

MILLIE: Right…we’re…uh…here to relax!  And my motto is…everybody do their own thing…

Well, it would appear that Howard’s own thing is do fall down in the forest primeval…because Sam is helping the limping Mistah Sprague back into camp—apparently some of the squirrels started laughing at Howard’s hat and decided to see if they could trip his ass up.  This is going to prove awkward, because now Howard is going to be an invalid for the rest of the excursion (resting his leg), and he waves off any and all attempts for anyone to stay with him, telling them he’ll be fine with his binoculars and masturbation bird watching.  But without Howard around to attract her attention, this means Babs will soon be putting the moves on Sam…making Millie even more miserable than she already is.

BARBARA: Maybe I should stay… (To Sam and Millie) You two go on…

MILLIE: Oh, I think that’s an excellent idea!  Come on, Sam…

SAM: Wait a minute, Millie!

HOWARD: Now, look…please…will you all go?  Please?  I’ll be fine, really I will…

SAM: Well, if you’re sure…

HOWARD: I’m positive…

So it’s off to the lake for a little angling…and I’m sure Barbara means of a different kind, but that’s why Millie’s along on this clambake.  Barbara, having had the benefit of growing up in a practically all-male household, has no problem with casting a fishing rod…but the inexperienced Millie keeps make a right cock-up of it.

SAM (after watching Barbara’s cast): Hey!  Nice cast!

BARBARA: Thanks!  Better hurry up before I catch them all!

(Sam chuckles)

MILLIE: Well…I-I-I’m ready!

SAM: Oh…okay, Mill…just put one of these night crawlers on your hook…here… (Millie looks a little sick) Just…uh…just think of them as spaghetti…you want me to help you?

MILLIE: No…no, I can do it…y-y-you go ahead…

SAM: All right…

BARBARA: I still say you should being using lures…

Why?  You’re doing okay with the right bait…  (Ba-zinga!) Well, Millie attempts a simple cast and ends up tangling her line, so a slightly exasperated Sam tries to help her out.  “Well, I don’t think the string you put on here was any good,” she whines.  Right in the middle of the untangling, Barbara lets Sam know he’s got a nibble, so he rushes over and grabs his fishing rod…but by the time he’s reeled it in the slippery little devil has gotten away.  Now even more exasperated at Millie, he glares at her in a most ungentlemanly fashion.  “Well, it couldn’t have been much of a fish if it couldn’t hold on,” says Millie in her typically cute fashion.

Barbara winds up catching the first fish, and a body blow is struck at Sam’s ego.  To add insult to injury, Millie winds up losing her pole in the lake.  “Well, you gave me a slippery rod!” Millie says, annoyed with it all.

Back at base camp, Howard is peering through his binoculars…and spots this little woodland creature scampering through the trees.

As me sainted father always says: “That squirrel will make a bucket of gravy!”  Sam and the girls arrive from their fishing expedition.

SAM: Hey, Howard!  How about these!

HOWARD: Oh…hey!  Those are beauties!

BARBARA: I got the first one but Sam got the biggest one.

I’ll bet Howard was dying to know that.

HOWARD: Where’s yours, Millie?  No luck?

MILLIE: Uh…

HOWARD: What happened to your rod?

SAM: Uh…we’ll save that for the campfire tales tonight…

MILLIE: How’s your foot?

HOWARD: Oh, fine…fine…as long as I keep it up…

You know, this show is often dirtier than I remembered…

HOWARD: Hey…I saw two woodpeckers and a squirrel…got some great pictures, too…

Howard, my man…you are the kind of person who sees gusto and grabs it!  Sam asks for a volunteer to clean the fish while he tends to other camping-related matters, something that strikes Millie as slightly horrific.  But Barbara doesn’t mind doing it (she’s a rugged girl) and so Millie, not to be left out, proposes that Barbara clean one fish and she the other.  Pictures are worth a thousand words.

After the task has been completed:

BARBARA: Well…here it is!

SAM: Oh, yeah…beautiful job!

HOWARD: Oh…that’s great!

SAM: ‘Course your fish was kind of dinky…

BARBARA: Oh, it was not…

SAM: Show her a real fish, Mill…

Cue the sad trombone!  “That’s the whole thing?” asks Sam incredulously.  Millie’s response to this culinary preparatory disaster: “Well…there was a lot of fat.”  (One laugh-out-loud moment in every episode.)

With dinner finished and dishes done, Sam asks the group “What now?”  Howard is still insisting that the three of them not worry about him, and Barbara suggests they go on a hike.  Millie, wanting to show her nature trail bona fides, zips off in the direction of the woods, with Sam and Barbara following (and Sam yelling at her to “wait up!”).  There is then a scene dissolve, and we find Howard hobbling along with a makeshift cane, adding a few twigs to the fire.  Sam and the girls return from their invigorating hike…

“One of us…fell in the creek,” Sam observes.  Poor Millie.  It won’t be too long before Barbara and Sam will be going to Morelli’s, and spending time at the movies…and she’ll either end up back with Howard (or God forbid, Goober).  Sam, outside the girls’ tent, wants to say goodnight to both of them (he asks if they’re decent first, because…well, he’s Sam) and he’s greeted by Barbara’s natural beauty…

…and Millie’s…er…um…yeah…

Millie makes a face behind Barbara (kind of hard to see it in this screen cap) that I thought was funny, mimicking her obsessive brushing of her hair.  So, the next morning Millie rises and shines…and if she’s anything like me, sleeping in that sleeping bag will leave her walking like Charles Laughton in The Hunchback of Notre Dame for the rest of the day.  She looks around, and the only person she spots is Howard, who has taught the squirrels to take food right out of his mouth (okay, I may have made that up).

HOWARD: Mornin’, Mill!  How’d ya sleep?

MILLIE: Oh, fine…fine…uh…wh-where’s Barbara and Sam?

HOWARD: Oh, they went off fishin’…

MILLIE: Together?  I mean…uh…they just went off and left me?

HOWARD: Well…Sam said he didn’t want to wake you…he thought you could use your beauty sleep…

MILLIE: Oh, he did, did he?

HOWARD: Well, if you ask me it’s a lucky thing Sam and Barbara hit if off so well…you and I sure turned out to be a pair of duds…

Howard is apparently not going to be satisfied until he’s returns to Mayberry in a full body cast…

MILLIE: I am not a dud!  Oh…and…and I’ll tell you something else I’m not!  I’m…I’m not going to sit around here while…while he’s off fishing with…with…with that Miss All-America!  I’m going home!

HOWARD: Aw, come on, Millie…

MILLIE: I’m going to take his truck and he can drive home with you!

Millie storms into the tent…and I probably don’t have to go into detail as to what happens next.

Not while I have a screen cap, anyway.  There is then a cut to a scene in Sam’s kitchen, where as one might guess Millie has given Aunt Bee the play-by-play about the thoroughly rotten weekend she had.

MILLIE: Everything she did was right…and everything I did was wrong…

AUNT BEE: Oh…now, now…

MILLIE: It was horrible…just horrible…she flourishes in the woods like…like a toadstool…

Millie…don’t give Aunt Bee any ideas.

MILLIE: She didn’t even have to comb her hair!

AUNT BEE: Oh, now Millie…it will be all right…

“I was on the phone with Clara this morning…all we need is the heart of a young boy to cast that spell on Barbara…so don’t start asking where Mike is…”

MILLIE: No, it won’t be… (Sighing) The truth is, I made a darn fool of myself…

AUNT BEE: Now Sam will understand…

MILLIE: No he won’t…I ruined his whole vacation…

SAM (outside): Aunt Bee, I’m home!

Well, the Lord and Master of Mortgage Acres has arrived, and truth be told, things are a little chilly between him and Millie (hey—get me!  I’m a poet like Howard!):

MILLIE (coldly): Hello, Sam…

SAM: Millie…why did you take off and…

MILLIE: You’re disgusted with me, aren’t you?

SAM: No!  I’m not disgusted with you…I just…

MILLIE: Oh, yes, you are…yes, you are…you don’t think I can do anything, do you?

SAM: Now what gave you that idea?  I just said…

MILLIE: Please, Sam…you’ve made your point…

Realizing it’s pointless to try and plead his case at this juncture, Sam tells Millie he’ll talk to her later, dropping her suitcase on the floor beside her.

AUNT BEE: Millie…I don’t think he’s really mad…

MILLIE: Well, he’s not very impressed with me, Aunt Bee…I-I-I ruined everybody’s trip…

AUNT BEE: Well, come now…everybody can’t be a Daniel Boone…

Now’s your chance, Millie…Beautiful Sunday, from the top…

AUNT BEE: Maybe you’re just an indoors person…and Sam couldn’t think less of you for that…

MILLIE: Yes…you know, that’s what I am…I’m an indoors person…

AUNT BEE: Well, of course!

MILLIE: Why…I can sew…

AUNT BEE: Hmm…

MILLIE: …I can keep house…

AUNT BEE: Of course you can…

MILLIE: …I can cook…

AUNT BEE: You’re a very good cook…

MILLIE: …and I can entertain…

AUNT BEE: You’re a wonderful hostess…

Congrats, Mill…you’ll make a fine “Aunt Bee” for some lucky farmer and his dolt of a son someday.

MILLIE: Aunt Bee…why don’t I do that?!!

AUNT BEE: Do what?

MILLIE: Why don’t I give a party?!!

AUNT BEE: Yes!  That’s the very thing…you are a good hostess…and you know something…why don’t you give it right here…?

MILLIE: Oh…could I?

AUNT BEE: Mm-hmm…make it Friday night…that’s my canasta night…

MILLIE: Oh, Aunt Bee…you’re wonderful!

And evil…eeevill!!!  “If Barbara can flourish outdoors…I can flourish indoors,” says Millie determinedly.  And before Aunt Bee can twitch her nose, Millie has put on a sumptuous spread, taking care to invite Sam, Howard and that bitch Barbara.  She swirls out of the kitchen, Loretta Young-style, with a tray of hors d’oeurves.

BARBARA: Oh, Millie…your table is gorgeous…

MILLIE: Oh…thank you…hors d’oeurves?

BARBARA: Thank you…

SAM: Hey, you know—that gown does something for you…

MILLIE: Oh!  Thank you!  It’s supposed to…

SAM: Oh…

BARBARA (nibbling): Delicious!

HOWARD: What’s that I smell cooking in the kitchen?

MILLIE (beaming): Veal cordon bleu…

HOWARD: Wow!

SAM: Hey…

MILLIE (handing him the tray): Sam…would you make sure everybody’s comfortable while I get the wine?

SAM: Sure!

MILLIE: I think sparkling burgundy will go beautifully with the veal, don’t you?

HOWARD: Mmm…

BARBARA: Sounds great!

SAM: Yeah…

Millie pops back into the kitchen, and from that vantage point she can hear a snatch of conversation about “she certainly has a talent for this sort of thing.”  Opening the refrigerator, she pulls out a bottle of sparkling burgundy and wraps a towel around it like an expert…and then tries to remove the top…

 …this seems more like Heinz ‘57 than Minchinbury ’13.  Emerging from the kitchen covered in wine, Sam, Barbara and Howard are aghast as Millie says through gritted teeth: “Just one word from anyone…just one word…”

But Millie proves to be a good sport, even though her boyfriend is mocking her in front of their friends about what a ditz she is.

Coda time!

Not much of a coda on this one, because Sam channels his inner Andy Taylor by singing Carolina Moon on the front porch swing…and Howard tries to do Barney Fife in his movements of cozying up to his new girlfriend (Dodson is clearly no Don Knotts, but I did chuckle a few times).  The only really funny bit is at the beginning when Millie is reflecting about what a klutz she was spilling wine on her dress and she asks Sam: “You’re not mad at me?”

“Why should I be mad at you?” he replies.  “You didn’t spill wine on my dress…”  (Well, I laughed at it.)

But let us rise above these lame coda shenanigans and rejoice in the fact that Aunt Bee’s short-but-sweet appearance in this episode gives me an excuse to roll out Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented Bee-o-Meter™ and tally up another show in her column: so the count for Season Two moves up a notch to nine appearances, with a grand total of twenty-one for the series so far.  And there’s even rosier news in that she’ll be back next week for “The Sculptor”—a curious episode that exposes the population of Mayberry for the unsophisticated yokels they are.  Make it a point to join us!