It begins with pedantic county clerk Howard W. Sprague (Jack Dodson) in his native work surroundings…and maybe I’ve just noticed this, but that office of his is pretty spacious for someone who’s not required to do a whole hell of a lot (as witnessed by the copious free time he has on his hands). Howard has just finished doing a little typing when he gets a visit from poor-but-honest dirt-farmer-turned-city-council-head Sam Jones (Ken Berry)…whose office is even larger than Howard’s, and yet he does pretty much the same amount of goofing off.
SAM: Hey…have you got a…have you
got a few minutes for some town business?
See? This episode is
already promising to be loads of laughs.
HOWARD: Well, you know my feelings
about town business, Sam…as an employee of Mayberry, one of the worker bees in
the hive—town business always gets
top priority…
I’ll remember that the next time you’re over at Emmett’s
playing Chutes and Ladders with Goober, Howard.
SAM: Fine…
HOWARD: So as we say in the
hive…what’s buzzin’?
For more on the comedy stylings of Mr. Sprague, I refer you
to the TAGS episode “Howard the Comedian” (03/20/67 ).
(I also recommend that you not
try the veal.)
SAM: Well…I, uh…I got this letter
this morning from the…Mount Pilot Historical Society…they’re getting ready for
their big parade again and they want to know if Mayberry’s going to enter a
float this year…
HOWARD: Ohhhhh…it’s that time of year again…
SAM: Yeah…yeah, and I was just
wondering if we should take another shot at it… (He goes over to the water
cooler to get a cup of H2O)
HOWARD: It sure would be nice to
have a Mayberry float in the winner’s circle…lot of prestige goes with it…
I think the amount of money awarded is commensurate with that
of a MacArthur Fellows grant. But I
could be mistaken about that.
SAM: Yeah…never mind the winners’
circle—it’d be nice just to have a float in the parade…but after the luck we’ve had these past couple of years…
HOWARD: I know…like last year…I
think we had a great theme, too…Lucky Lindy, about to take off…
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…I remember
that…you…you were going to be Lindy, weren’t ya? Hmm?
While he’s saying this line, Berry crumples up the paper cup he used to get his water and throws it toward the floor…presumably he’s depositing it in a trash can, but it’s certainly not indicated as such on the soundtrack. So the thought that he’s littering Howard’s office freely got a small chuckle from me.
HOWARD: Yeah…with my arm up against
the plane…helmet and goggles…looking up, challenging the sky…’course with that
plane that George Selby designed…when the rain
hit the crepe paper, that was that…
SAM: Yeah…
HOWARD: Some folks wanted me to
ride on the float anyway…holding two sandwiches? I guarantee we would have been laughed right
out of the parade…
But they would have laughed harder at you than at that lame
sandwich joke, Howard.
SAM: Yeah— actually, I think we
would have stood a better chance the year before that…that, uh, Washington crossing the Delaware , you know? Gee, that
was a darn good looking float…with the boat and the waves all around it…
HOWARD: Yeah, but Emmett was playing George Washington…and
he kept losing his balance and falling down in the boat…
SAM: Well? What do you think, Howard? Should we enter one this year or not?
HOWARD (after a pause): Let’s give
it another whirl, Sam…why not? Let’s
show these other towns around here that Mayberry still has the old spunkeroo!
If you had taken the time to get vaccinated, that would not be
a problem, Howard. So the town’s
Spunkeroo Committee gets together to discuss the float…and in addition to Sam
and Howard, we have bakery doyenne Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), resident
blue-blooded snob Clara Edwards (Hope Summers), village idiot Goober Pyle
(George Lindsey) and fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman). For those of you keeping score, Emmett does
not attempt to fix anything in this episode.
He will, however, be called upon to build the float…but none of that is
shown in the copy of the episode I watched—though it’s possible some of those
preparations were snipped for syndication.
SAM (handing out paper and
pencils): So…it’s going to be up to us on the council to discuss your ideas and
come up with a theme for the float…
HOWARD: Yeah…but let’s remember,
it’s a three-mile ride—so let’s come up with something that’s not too complicated…
SAM: Yeah…has anybody been able to
think of any ideas? (Seeing that Goober has raised his hand) Goob?
GOOBER: Washington crossin’ the Delaware !
SAM: But, Goob…we already…
GOOBER (interrupting): I found a
way to prop him up! Run a two-by-four up
his pants leg for him to lean against!
EMMETT: Are you crazy? Did you ever have a two-by-four up your pants
leg for three miles?
Something tells me I don’t want to know why Emmett knows what this feels like.
GOOBER: I’m just tryin’ to be
helpful…
SAM: Yeah, I know…I know… (Seeing
Clara’s hand) Clara, did you have an idea?
CLARA: Betsy Ross…sowing the
American flag…now she doesn’t have to
be standing…she could be sitting in a rocker or on a bench or something…
SAM: Hmm…not bad!
CLARA: And fortuitously, I just
happen to have a dress of that
period…that I wore once in a pageant…
I’ll bet she even loaned it to Betsy at one time.
MILLIE: Well, I-I-I think that’s a
great idea, Clara, but…it seems to me that we ought to have a float that would
show something about Mayberry…its
pioneers or something…
HOWARD: Exactly! My feelings exactly!
CLARA (snippily): I thought we were
looking for something original…
HOWARD: Well, we are, Clara…but…you
know, I think I might have a new slant on this pioneer angle…I spent last
evening in the library, looking up Mayberry’s background, and I came across a very interesting fact…
HOWARD: Did you know that the
outstanding pioneer settler in this valley was a woman? (The others ad-lib negative responses in amazement) A woman
by the name of Martha Flog…she has a little cabin right over here at the base
of the mountain…
SAM: Hey! You might have something there, Howard…
HOWARD: Think so?
SAM: Let the float depict
Mayberry’s courageous pioneer woman…
(The others ad-lib affirmative
responses)
CLARA: …and it just so happens that
my great-great-grandmother was one of the first settlers here, too…
“…before she was burned at the stake for witchcraft…”
SAM: Yeah…yeah, well, are we all
agreed then? Mayberry’s pioneer woman…
EMMETT: Yeah!
GOOBER: Agreed!
SAM: Good! I’ll get on the phone and I’ll call Mount
Pilot and tell ‘em we’re in…oh, Howard…you and Millie seem to have a nice feel for this thing…why don’t you two
get together and design this float, huh?
HOWARD: Well, I’d consider it a
distinct honor!
MILLIE: Maybe just a…a simple
little cabin with trees and flowers and our pioneer woman standing in front of
it…you know, kind of alone in the wilderness…
GOOBER: And if we could get a wolf…to show the danger!
EMMETT: Are you out of your mind?
GOOBER (through clenched teeth):
You knock down every suggestion I make!
EMMETT: Because they’re no good,
that’s why!
GOOBER: Sam…is he allowed to talk
to me this way?
Girls, girls…you’re both
pretty. Sam, Solomon-like city council
head that he is, is able to smooth things over between these two numbnuts: “I
was counting on you two fellas to work together and build this float.”
EMMETT (to Goober): I apologize…
GOOBER (grinning idiotically):
That’s okay…
“Don’t you think we should be discussing who’s going to ride
on this float?” asks Clara, as if she had no agenda whatsoever. But it’s decided that the “floatee” can be
chosen after the float preparations are completed, and since Howard asks Millie
to meet with him later to “huddle on the design of this thing,” it’s not long
before the blueprint for “The Mayberry Float” is complete and being looked at
by Sam, Goober and Emmett in the city council office.
GOOBER: Well, Howard and Millie designed a great plan all right…but I don’t think we’re gonna make it if we can’t find a bigger truck…
SAM: Oh…
EMMETT: The biggest one you could
come up with is Chester Blanton’s?
GOOBER: Yeah…you’ve seen it,
haven’t ya?
SAM: Yeah, I know the truck…yeah…
EMMETT: Well, this thing’s never
gonna fit on there…
SAM: No…I don’t see how…
GOOBER: Of course…we might put the
cabin on the front of the truck…but
then that wouldn’t leave no room for the trees and bushes and all that…
SAM: No…that wouldn’t work at all…
EMMETT: Maybe we can build the
cabin on the back part…
SAM: Well, then where could put our
pioneer woman?
GOOBER: She could sit on the hood…
Every episode. One laugh-out-loud moment.
SAM: Hey, what about that one we
were going to use last year?
EMMETT: Oh, that was a special kind
of a rig…it belonged to Clara’s nephew…
SAM: Oh, yeah…yeah…Jason Edwards…I
wonder if he’s still got it?
Well, consider his Aunt Clara gave it to him in the first
place, I would assume…oh, you guys are still talking about the truck (like you thought I wasn’t going to go there).
GOOBER: Well, even if he does, I’m
not so sure he’ll lend it to us…claimed we bent the axle in it last time…
SAM: Hey…maybe Clara could ask
him! You know her, with her civic
pride…I bet she could swing it!
GOOBER: Hey, yeah! That’s right!
Yeah!
EMMETT: Yeah, ‘cause if we don’t
get the right truck we won’t be in the parade again this year…
So it’s decided that Sam should be the one to soft-soap
Clara into obtaining the truck, and while he’s asking Sara to put him through,
Goober and Emmett have this gem of a conversation:
GOOBER: You know, another thing I
was thinkin’ of…we might hang a bearskin
on the outside of the cabin…
EMMETT: Hey…that’s a very
intelligent suggestion!
GOOBER: It is?
EMMETT: Yeah! It’s a good idea!
GOOBER (beaming): Or maybe we could
even get a live bear and chain him
right… (His voice trails off, as even he
realizes he’s said something moronic)
Another laugh-out-loud moment. Well, back to the phones:
SAM: Listen, Clara…we’re here
working on the plan for the float…and we were wondering…uh…if your nephew might
be willing to let us use that rig of his again…uh…it would be an awful big
help, Clara—and we’d take real good care
of it this time…
CLARA (on the other end): Yes! Yes, I’ll be more than happy to ask Jason…I
feel it’s my duty…you see, this
entire thing is far more than just a float…I
see it as the unveiling of Mayberry’s glorious
pioneer woman! Yes…yes, I’ll let you
know what my nephew says…yes…goodbye, Sam…
Clara hangs up, and from the look on her face it’s readily apparent why Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) is not in this episode. I don’t think there’s enough room in 22 minutes to cram in that much evil.
SAM: Well…from the way she talked,
there’s not going to be any problem at all…
You silly, twisted boy.
Sam tells Emmett and Goober that he’s going to leave it in their hands
(yeah, he’s been hitting the crack pipe again) because he’s got “some things to
do over at the office” and as he prepares to leave, he runs into Howard and
this gentleman, who’s definitely a familiar face to Mayberry Mondays fans.
It’s character actor Herb Vigran, whom we last glimpsed in the classic R.F.D. outing “The Caper.” You may remember in that episode, Herb played a
“You all know Herb Mooney, don’tcha?” Howard asks all those
in attendance, prompting a quick meet-and-greet between Mr. Mooney and the
rest. Howard informs everyone that
Herb’s in charge of the parade this year and wants to know how the float is
going.
EMMETT: Well…huh….so you’re in
charge of the parade, huh?
HERB: That’s right…one of the
judges, too…
GOOBER: Hey… (He laughs goofily)
Wanna a bottle of pop?
HERB: No, thanks…I just came over
to check on how Mayberry’s float is comin’ along…
Herb is a very no-nonsense guy, in direct contrast to the
other boobs in Mayberry. He’s there to
make sure the floats are all ready in time, and even though Emmett tells him
and Howard that they had to call a truck audible in favor of Jason Edwards’
rig…everything is “under full sail,” as Howard puts it.
HOWARD: Are you ready for
this? (He directs Herb over to the table
where the float plans lay) The pioneer
woman!
HERB (stroking his chin): Not bad…might stand a chance…most of the floats
are featurin’ girls this year…
EMMETT: Girls?
HERB: Yeah…the Siler City entry is gonna
be “The Landing of Columbus”…they’re goin’ to use about half-a-dozen of those
pom-pom girls from the college wearin’ bathing suits…the High Kickers, I think they
call them…
HOWARD: Well, what do girls in
bathing suits got to do with the landing of Columbus ?
HERB: Accordin’ to the Siler City folks, they’re going to be there on the beach to greet him…
EMMETT: They’re not very fussy
about history, are they?
Well, we’ve managed to keep the real story of Columbus ’
“discovery” under wraps all these years…I guess a little more historical
revisionism can’t hurt. (Enough to get
into the University of Siler City, anyway…)
HERB: The Mount Pilot entry is goin’
to be the invention of the electric light bulb…they’re going to use those drum
majorettes…uh, you know—The Ice Cream Cuties…wearin’ tights and little spangly
outfits…
GOOBER: For the invention of the
electric light bulb?
HERB: They’re going to represent…sparks
or something…
“Heh heh…sounds like this parade’s gonna be easy on the
eyes,” Howard cracks. Herb is still
intrigued by the high concept of the Mayberry float: “Pioneer woman…well, it’s gonna
take some doin’…” And with that, Herb
takes his leave of the Three Stooges, leaving them to ponder the notion that
with regards to this year’s parade o’history: sex sells.
GOOBER: Yeah…
EMMETT: Looks like we gotta be
mighty careful who we pick for the pioneer woman…
HOWARD: Yeah…if we don’t have a
good looker up on that float we might as well stay home…
GOOBER: Well, that’s what it’s
gonna take to win, all right…
Let’s see. Who could
we get that’s drop-dead gorgeous…has extensive modeling experience…and was once crowned “Miss Farmerette”?
EMMETT: Hey! What about Millie?
GOOBER: Hey, yeah! She’s the prettiest girl in town…and she’s
got a great shape, too!
“And she has these…huge
tracts of land…”
HOWARD: Yeah!
EMMETT: I wonder if she’ll do it?
Oh, she does it,
all right. Just ask Sam.
HOWARD: Oh, I’m sure she would—I
don’t think Millie’d let Mayberry down at a time like this…
Let’s not keep anyone in suspense any longer…
MILLIE: Oh! I’m really flattered that you asked me! I’d love to do it! Uh…what should I wear?
HOWARD: Uh…well…huh…yeah…how would
you fellas describe what we had in mind?
MILLIE: Well, I’ve got a long, old-fashioned
gingham dress…I wear for square dances—how’s that?
HOWARD: I seem to recall an
eye-catching little outfit that you wore when the Mayberry Players did Hiawatha?
“And that I saw you changing into when the curtains in your
bedroom just happened to be fully drawn…?”
GOOBER (grinning): Yeah…when you
was an Indian princess…that was really somethin’…remember
that, Emmett?
“Remember it? I’m
still makin’ payments on the pacemaker!”
EMMETT: It stopped the show!
MILLIE: Oh…but isn’t that a little skimpy for pioneer days?
“Oh, no no no no no no no no no no no…yes. Yes, it is.”
GOOBER: We could say you was a modern pioneer…
HOWARD: Yes, this is a case of
fighting fire with fire…
MILLIE: What?
HOWARD: It’s our competition…I
mean, we’re going to be up against the full impact of the Mount Pilot Ice Cream Cuties!
In abbreviated costumes! To say
nothing of what Columbus discovered when
he landed in America !
From now on, I’m going to try and work in “abbreviated
costumes” any time I get the opportunity.
Now, Millie—for all intents and purposes—should be offended at these
three lechers’ attempts to talk her into being cheesecake for this stupid float
of theirs. But fortunately for them,
Millie is a good sport and an expert
on cheesecake (well, she does work in a bakery).
Aw, Millie me darlin’…you’ve just made three perverts very
happy. As the scene fades out, Goober
asks her if he “can have one of these cookies with jelly in ‘em,” which was
good for a chuckle. Flush with their
success, the three bozos report back to the Head Bozo. (Actually, I think we’re all bozos on this bus.)
SAM: So…Millie’s gonna be the pioneer
woman, huh?
HOWARD: Yeah…Herb Sweeney filled us
in on what we’re gonna be up against, so we decided to go all out…
Continuity has never been a particular strong point in the
Mayberrys of both R.F.D. and The Andy Griffith Show. But this is the first time that I’m aware of
a character’s name changing in mid-episode
(Howard previously introduced Vigran’s character as “Herb Mooney”).
SAM: Fine…looks like we’re in good
shape, huh?
GOOBER: You can say that again…
(The others ad-lib agreement)
EMMETT: We’re pretty
well-organized, all right…we got Millie…Clara’s gonna get the truck… (Pointing
to the paper) And Goober and I’ll start buildin’ the cabin right there…
Things are going entirely too smoothly in this episode, so
we should introduce some conflict. And
that’s Clara’s cue to sail on into the council office…though I have been told
by some people there is an unedited version of this episode in which if you
listen very closely, you can detect a few bars of the music they use to
introduce the arrival of Elvira Gulch in The
Wizard of Oz.
CLARA: Yes…and he’s agreed to lend
us his truck… (The others ad-lib “Hey!” and “Great!” in response) But…Jason had
one small stipulation…
SAM: Oh? What’s the stipulation?
“You gentlemen will have to get him laid.”
CLARA: Authenticity…
SAM: What?
CLARA: Jason felt…that if our float
were to have real authenticity…then
the one who was portraying the pioneer woman…should have something of that background…
I don’t know if you can tell from this screen cap, but I love Howard’s expression in the background. (“We’re definitely boned…”)
CLARA: Uh…Jason said that…since I
was a direct descendant of the…original
Edwards family, who were amongst the first settlers here…well…Jason felt
that…uh…I should be the…
HOWARD: Pioneer woman?
CLARA: Well…
SAM: Uh-huh…
CLARA: …Jason’s always been so proud of our family…
EMMETT: Yeah, he would be…
GOOBER: Ownin’ that big truck and
all…
I know there are a lot of you out there who respond to
Goober the way one might react to finding a slug in your breakfast cereal…but
he’s really on a roll in this episode.
CLARA: Well, gentlemen…shall I
start on my costume?
EMMETT: Sam…you’re in charge of
this thing!
HOWARD: Yeah, Sam!
GOOBER: Yeah…Sam…right in charge!
I can just see the headline in the Mayberry Gazette: “Local faux farmer and city council head
thrown under bus”…
SAM: Well…uh… (After a long pause)
Yeah…Clara…fine…and it sounds fine to me…
CLARA: Then it’s all settled!
SAM (quietly): Yeah…
CLARA: I’ll tell my nephew that
you’ll pick up the truck! Good day,
gentlemen!
They wait until Clara has left the office. And then…
SAM: Oh…what are you talkin’
about?!! We have to have that truck, don’t we?!!
HOWARD: Yeah, but that truck and
the cabin and the whole thing won’t mean anything
now!
EMMETT: Not with Clara Edwards standin’ up there!
GOOBER: All these years we finally
got a traitor in Mayberry!
None dare call it treason…but we will dare to call it a
commercial break. And after shilling for
General Foods, we return to an interesting tableau in which Goober, Emmett and
Howard are seriously starting to question Sam’s judgment as a legislator.
EMMETT: Well, this certainly beats
everything…
GOOBER: It sure does!
HOWARD: Telling Clara Edwards she
could be the pioneer woman…
SAM: Well, what was I supposed to do?
EMMETT: You just had no right to
tell her!
SAM: Well, somebody had to say something! All you guys did was stand around and grunt!
It’s chatter,
Sam. Pigs
grunt…chimpanzees chatter.
GOOBER: Well, why didn’t you just
grunt, too? You could have said, “We’ll think it over”…
SAM: Look…you know she would have told Jason not to lend us that truck…
HOWARD: Well, maybe we could have
found another truck someplace…
SAM: It’s the only truck like it
around here and you know it…now,
look—if you guys want to call this whole thing off, it’s all right with me…
HOWARD: We can’t call it off now—everybody’s all keyed up!
EMMETT: Yeah…with Millie we might
have had a chance!
GOOBER (at Sam): You just had no
right to take matters into your own hands!
We don’t want no dictatorship in Mayberry!
Nick Nolte’s character in Who’ll Stop the Rain (1978) has one of my all-time favorite movie
lines: “All my life I’ve been taking shit from inferior people. No more.”
And if Sam could have said that on TV in 1970, he would have, because
Goober’s crack has buried the camel in a big straw stack.
SAM: Oh…all right…all right…that’s fine with me…from now on, Goober—you are in charge because I resign! You
take over, you make the decisions…you’re the head man!
GOOBER: Me?
SAM: Yeah, you! (He thrusts the plans for the float into
Goober’s hands and heads for the door)
EMMETT: Are you kiddin’? Goober couldn’t take charge!
SAM: All right, all of you be in charge…because I’m
washing my hands of this whole thing! If
you don’t want Clara Edwards on that float, then you tell her…I’ve got nothing to do with this from now on!
“I’m going home and…and…do some farming!” Sam storms out of the council office, leaving
his idiot friends looking like idiots.
EMMETT: He’s certainly acting
peculiar…
GOOBER (after a pause, to Emmett): Whaddya mean, Goober couldn’t be in
charge?!!
EMMETT: Look—if it was up to you,
you’d have a two-by-four up my leg!
HOWARD: Wait a minute, fellas…wait
a minute…fighting amongst ourselves isn’t going to solve anything…
EMMETT: If we could only find some
way to convince Clara Edwards she doesn’t belong on that float with all the competition we got!
HOWARD: Yeah…but I don’t know how without losing the truck!
GOOBER: At least if we could get
Millie up there, too…
EMMETT: You mean two pioneer women? Are you crazy?
HOWARD: Wait a minute…wait a
minute…I think he said something…
GOOBER: See?
Howard gets the ol’ grey matter to workin’, and comes up
with a plan:
HOWARD: What if Millie could be the
pioneer woman’s daughter?
GOOBER: Hey, yeah…yes!
EMMETT: Ah, no…Clara’d never buy that…
HOWARD: I’m not so sure…it may
depend on the way we present it to her…
“All we need to do is lie our asses off.” “Okay, Howard,” says Emmett resignedly. “I’m game for anything that’ll put Millie on
that float.” So Howard and Emmett are
elected to pay the Widder Edwards a social call, and the first time I saw this
episode I thought Clara was running to the door carrying a broom…so naturally I
had plenty of jokes at the ready. Sadly,
the object is not a broom…it’s some sort of musket. (Damn it.)
CLARA: I just got this out of the
storeroom—I thought it might give greater scope
to my portrayal… (Snapping to attention) Ready to defend my home against the
terrors of the wilderness…
EMMETT: Ah…look…Clara, you see…
CLARA: I haven’t quite decided
whether I should be… (She brings the gun up in Emmett’s direction, prompting
him to flinch) …pointing the gun at some unseen intruder…or just stand
poised…indicating readiness…which do
you think would be the more effective?
HOWARD: Oh…well…I-I-I like them
both…how ‘bout you, Emmett?
EMMETT (after getting a nudge from
Howard): Oh, yeah…both!
HOWARD: A-A-Actually…actually,
Clara…the reason we dropped by… (He clears his throat) We thought it might be a
good idea if we were to…expand your
image as the pioneer woman…you know…give it greater dimension?
CLARA: Well…well…that’s a very exciting idea…expand in which direction?
HOWARD: Well, get this picture,
Clara…instead of the lone pioneer woman…you’re also…a mother image…
Howard apparently picked up a couple of things the time he
was trying to sell that Hollywood producer on the idea
of a B-western cowboy’s comeback, told previously in “Palm Springs Cowboy.”
EMMETT: It really grabs ya…huh,
Clara?
CLARA: Yes! But just how should I include this mother
image in my portrayal?
HOWARD: By having your offspring right
there on the float with you!
CLARA: Wonderful! A boy, possibly…a
young boy…
EMMETT: Well, we thought…
HOWARD (to Emmett) Ahem! Uh…uh…we gave that a lot of consideration,
Clara…and…we thought a daughter might
be better…
EMMETT: Yeah…we figured the average
pioneer family would have more problems with a daughter than with a son…
CLARA: Yes…yes, it would definitely
add to the drama…
HOWARD: It’s all right with you,
then?
CLARA: Why, it’s just beautiful…but we must be very careful in our selection of my daughter…I
think she ought to have a lovely…wispy
quality…
EMMETT: Wispy, yeah…I remember when
we did Hiawatha…
After Howard punches Emmett in the arm, he informs Clara
that the two of them have to be running along but that they will take care of
everything…which translated loosely means, “Millie’s going to be on the float
because she’s built like a burlap sack full of bobcats.” The day of the parade has arrived, and as Sam
and Millie get out of Sam’s car and make their way to Mayberry’s float, Sam
keeps repeating one of those lines (“I had nothing to do with this”) that
becomes funny in and of itself because of the repetition. Clara sees the two of them approaching.
SAM: Clara…
CLARA: Ready to defend to the last!
MILLIE: Wonderful, Clara…
CLARA: Sam?
SAM: Clara…I had nothing to do with
this…
HOWARD: We’re ready to move out any
minute!
CLARA: Well, I’m all ready…where’s
the child?
EMMETT (after looking at Howard):
Uh…we didn’t forget…
HOWARD: Hmm…no…no sirree…heh
heh…only…I don’t think we said anything about a child, Clara…we…we mentioned a daughter…
(Pointing in Millie’s direction) That’s gonna be Millie here…
CLARA: Millie!
MILLIE: Oh…I thought you knew about it, Clara…
This rather awkward scene is interrupted by the arrival of
Goober, who tells the gang that the Miss
Siler City
“Keep America Beautiful” float is in position, which is their cue to get ready
and get in line. Millie, removing her
long coat, has her skimpy Hiawatha costume on underneath. “My daughter!” exclaims Clara incredulously.
“Well, that’s the way we see it, Clara,” alibis Howard as he
and Emmett start helping Clara up on the float.
Millie is next, and Howard directs her to the front of the float on
which a makeshift well has been constructed…she’s to sit on the edge and after
a little hesitation, show a little leg.
Poor Clara, on the other hand, gets shunted toward the back of the float
near the cabin, with Emmett positioning her behind some trees.
EMMETT: Here’s your spot, Clara…
CLARA: But…what am I doing behind
this tree?
EMMETT: You’re hidin’ from the
Indians!
CLARA: Why is my daughter down
front there? (Millie is shown putting on her headdress)
EMMETT: Because she’s just a kid…she don’t know any better!
Clara is not a happy pioneer woman. “But I’m the star of this float!” she
wails. Meanwhile, Goober pops his head
out of the cabin door, and warns her that the door must remain open or otherwise
he won’t be able to see where he’s driving.
Emmett and Howard carry the stepladder they used to put Millie and Clara
on the float over to the side and are beaming with pride:
HOWARD: Well, Sam…looks like we
finally got a float in the parade!
SAM: Good luck…that’s all I can
say…
EMMETT (enthusiastically): Go, go,
go Mayberry!
Clara, still miffed that the crowd won’t be able to see her
behind the clump of trees on the float, decides to reposition herself and
reclaim her mantle as “star” of the float.
Unfortunately, she’s blocking Goober’s view…and he winds up steering the
truck…
… right onto a fire hydrant. Sam rushes over to where Millie has been dumped off the well and is now getting drenched by the water:
MILLIE (angry): Oh, Sam—why did you let me do this?!! I had a feeling
there was going to be trouble!
SAM: Well, look…I didn’t have anything to do with
this! Howard, Emmett and Goober were in
charge of the whole thing!
CLARA (being helped down off the
wreckage): Well, Mr. Jones…I hope that you’re proud of all this!
SAM: Me?
CLARA: My opinion of you has
certainly… (Her voice trails off with the rush of the water)
SAM: Clara, I had nothing….
GOOBER (interrupting): Well, I hope you’re satisfied!!!
SAM (yelling): Well, what did I have to do
with anything?!! You and Howard and
Emmett were in charge of the whole thing!!!
GOOBER (also yelling): Well, that’s it—you had no right to put us in charge!!! You
know how stupid we are!!!
Ladies and gentlemen…there will never…ever…be a funnier line of dialogue on this show. Honest to my grandma, I was crying with
laughter the first time I watched this.
Sam wraps Millie’s coat around her so she won’t catch pneumonia, and the
shenanigans come to a close.
Coda time!
Back at the council office, Sam has comically caught a cold
after being thoroughly soaked by l’affaire
parade float. He feels a sneeze
coming on, and Goober helpfully has a box of tissue at the ready.
GOOBER: I’m sorry about gettin’ so
mad at ya, Sam…
SAM: Aw…that’s okay, Goob…
GOOBER: It’s just that I was so
worked up I had to take it out on somebody…
SAM: Yeah…yeah…
HOWARD: Well, Emmett and I were
wrong, too, in trying to put one over on Clara…
EMMETT: Yeah, Sam was right…we
never shoulda put anyone on that float but Clara…then at least we woulda been
in the parade…
HOWARD: When you get right down to
it, it’s not who wins that counts it’s how you play the game…
GOOBER: Hey…that’s a good one…
Invest in a street organ, Howard. Best moneymaking idea you’ll ever come up with.
SAM: Look…why don’t we forget this
whole thing like it was a big bad dream, huh?
Hey—does anybody know whose float finally won it?
GOOBER: Yeah…Siler City …
SAM: Oh…you mean the one with the Columbus landing?
EMMETT: Yeah, that’s the one…
SAM: Yeah…well, I guess it figured
with all those girls in bathing suits
there to greet him…
GOOBER: Well, I don’t think that’s
the only thing that done it…it’s who they had playin’ Columbus …
SAM: Oh? Who?
GOOBER: That girl who dances in the
Siler City Follies…
HOWARD: To me that’s reaching…
So if I understand this right…Siler
City has a college and a burlesque house? Why the hell do you people still live in
Mayberry?
As I already mentioned, Aunt Bee is a no-show this week…so Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s patented
Bee-o-meter™ stays put at ten appearances in the second season of Mayberry
R.F.D…and a grand total of twenty-two show-ups for the show’s entire
run. We’re three episodes away from the
end of Season 2, so Aunt Bee is really going to have to step it up…and not
being in next week’s installment, “Aloha, Goober,” is not going to help matters
much. (By the way—that title is
misleading…Goober does not end up dying, much to my disappointment.) So be sure to return here next week for
another wacky edition of Mayberry Mondays!
9 comments:
Mayberry and reality don't normally co-exist, so I was surprised to see a Duckwall's store in the frame grab. In all my years of watching Mayberry RFD and the Andy Griffith Show I don't believe I ever saw a real store name.
Duckwall's parent company still is arround but the Duckwall's format was killed in 2010.
Dan in Missouri
Duckwall's was owned by or partnered with Alco, I can't remember which. We had a Duckwall's in Crapville -- my opposite-of-affectionate name for the town I went to high school in. Oddly, looks like the Duckwall's is still there, but the Alco we had in Manhattan KS closed a few years ago.
Having lived in tiny towns in the Midwest, Howard's large office doesn't seem that out of place. It was common to have huge city hall buildings in towns which used to be 3000-4000 people but were now 500 or so, most everyone having moved off a generation prior. And I know Mayberry is supposed to be based on Mount Airy which has a pop of 10,000 people, but having lived in towns of 10K, 4K and 1K, Mayberry is a LOT closer to that 1K size.
It’s chatter, Sam. Pigs grunt…chimpanzees chatter.
HA!
she’s built like a burlap sack full of bobcats
...wait a second, let me jot that down...
You know how stupid we are!!!
The coup de grace. My stars, that is hilarious.
I don't get the sandwich joke. My shame at not understanding a flight-based food joke was immediately mitigated by the hilarity of the one-two punch of the Spunkeroo Committee and Emmett's two-by-four in his pants.
"This rather awkward scene is interrupted by the arrival of Goober"
Has there ever been an arrival of Goober that wasn't awkward.
I really thought we were going to get a wet hiawatha contest.
Rich
Just realized that this episode proves that one Sandra Bullock film was right: Hope floats!
Has there ever been an arrival of Goober that wasn't awkward.
Ba-zinga! Always bringing the Goober love, aren't ya? You'll flip for Monday's episode, btw..."Aloha, Goober."
I really thought we were going to get a wet hiawatha contest.
No more calls, we have a winner!
I don't get the sandwich joke.
I don't either, which may be why I editorialized on the lameness of it. It sure made the laugh track guffaw fit to beat the band...parts of it, anyway.
According to legend, Lindy took off with nothing more than a couple of sandwiches.
According to legend, Lindy took off with nothing more than a couple of sandwiches.
And it's Chris for the win! Nice to have an explanation for the joke. (It's still not very good, but at least now I know why.)
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