Here’s the tragedy that is this week’s Doris Day(s): with a little tweaking of a script written by Norman Katkov (a Ben Casey veteran who probably got the gig because he penned Doris’ It Happened to Jane [1959]), this could have easily been the best Doris Day Show episode ever. I think you can figure out why within the first few minutes of the show, so let’s get down to brass tasks. Act One begins with Doris Martin’s (Doris) beloved progeny, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke), having a chinwag with the only individual on the Webb Estate that they can match on an intellectual level: cherished farmhand Leroy B.
TOBY: We’re working, Leroy…
The cheese-loving rugrat puts just enough condescension into
that line to remind viewers Leroy is all thumbs when it comes to his chosen
occupation.
BILLY: We have to guard this gate
‘til Grandpa fixes it…
TOBY: The lock is broke…
LEROY: It is? Well, let me take a look at it here…
BILLY: Better not fool with it,
Leroy…
TOBY: You don’t want to make
Grandpa mad again…
BILLY: We have to get a new
one…Grandpa already fired you twice
this week…
LEROY: Well, this will make up for
it…
Yes, it’s a stock sitcom situation that we can see for miles
and miles and miles, as an English rock group might point out. Before you can say “Hannibal Dobbs,” Leroy’s
let the pigs escape and created complete pandemonium in the barnyard—que lastima!
As you can see in the above screen caps, the Widder Doris and Nelson the Stolen Sheepdog (Lord Nelson) soon join in the round-up; finally, after all of the swine have been collected, Leroy and the kids find themselves standing tall before The Man…represented here by the Laird and Master, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle).
BILLY: Grandpa…um…
BUCK: Not you… (Indicating Leroy) Him!
LEROY: Well, uh…I hate to see
wastin’ money on a new latch…
BUCK: And you decided to fix it…?
LEROY: Yes, sir…and I will,
too—just as soon as I get my tools…
BUCK: Don’t bother…
LEROY: Oh—it’s no bother, Mr. Webb…
BUCK: Leroy…don’t touch that
lock…and you know why…
LEROY: Because I’m fired?
“That’s right,” Buck confirms, “you’re fired.” And he means it, too, despite young Toby’s
reminder that “that’s three times this week!”
“Four,” returns
his grandfather. “I fired him once this
morning!” But he’s not kidding around
this 4,739th time he’s informed Leroy that Archer-Midland-Webb will no longer
require his services. Naturally, the
news does not take long to reach the real boss of Webb Farms: Doris is in the
kitchen with ever-helpful domestic Juanita (Naomi Stevens), and she’ll need to
do some devious thinking to help Leroy keep such an obviously fulfilling job.
DORIS: Oh, Leroy…not again?
“I’m beginning to think my father is right—you are a complete f**k-up…”
DORIS: That’s three times this week
already…
LEROY: Four…he fired me yesterday, too…
Maybe I’m talking out of turn here, Simpson old man—but you
really ought to look into the idea of joining Local 576, The United Federation
of Farmhands and Hirelings.
JUANITA: That’s a new record, isn’t
it?
LEROY: Yeah, but this time he says
it’s forever…
DORIS: Forever?
LEROY: Them was his exact words…
Sideeye!
“He’s already taken my name off my parking space—so I don’t
think he’s just blowing sunshine up my skirt.”
The conversation is interrupted by some heated disagreement outside:
Buck is hollering at his grandsons that there will be no more discussion—he’s
given Leroy his pink slip and that is that.
Doris tells Leroy to run along; she’s fix this situation (and she will,
too, because she’s Doris Freaking Day).
When Buck enters the kitchen, Doris and Juanita nonchalantly continue
what they were doing before Leroy came in (they were putting together a
shopping list); Juanita asks Doris to put “chocolate chips” on the list—I’m
guessing she’s mapping out the menu for supper.
BUCK: Now there’s no use in
carrying on about it—he’s done, finished, kaput…and that’s final… (Indicating
Juanita) And that goes for you, too…
Since Juanita rarely does anything to incur the Master’s
wrath—and on the off-chance she has, she quickly
pacifies him with pie—perhaps this is a foreshadowing of events to come in
the second season of the show.
BUCK: I’m talkin’ about Leroy B.
Simpson…”B” for bumbler…this ranch
has been in this family for three generations and I’m not gonna let him destroy
it in three months…
Doris and Juanita shrug collectively and return to their
grocery list—but Buck is on to their sneaky feminine ways. “You’re not gonna talk me out of it this
time,” he assures her.
DORIS: We haven’t said one word!
BUCK: I know—but you’re bein’ funny about it…just like those two
grandchildren…
Buck…if anything
on this show was funny this space would be blank week after week.
DORIS: Speaking of your two
grandchildren…maybe you should start thinking about them a bit…
BUCK (eating a cookie and drinking
milk): What about ‘em?
DORIS: About Leroy…you know how
Leroy loves those boys…
BUCK: So do I—that’s why I’m firin’
him! So that they’ll inherit somethin’
besides a disaster area!
DORIS: You know how the boys love
Leroy…and if you fire Leroy, it’s really going to break their hearts…
BUCK: Well…I’ll buy them another dog to make up for it…
DORIS: That’ll break Nelson’s heart…
I just got a mental picture of Doris sneaking into the
Douglas home on My Three Sons and scooping up Tramp…then hauling ass and elbows
to her station wagon. Buck then
complains that’s it’s not fair for Doris to use the kids to save Leroy’s
job…which she interprets to mean that Leroy has been “un-fired,” and soon there
is much merriment in the House of Webb despite Buck’s continued complaints.
Well, we’ve dwelt long enough on the employment woes of Mr.
Simpson—we’ve got a lame plot to address, and a dissolve finds Doris at
Cotina’s local Stop-and-Rob grabbing those groceries discussed earlier. Director Gary Nelson pans across a truck with
“Cooley’s Country Carnival” emblazoned on the side before we see Doris’ truck…
…and you may be asking yourself “Say…I don’t believe I’ve ever seen the Webb Family truck with a canopy before—for what possible reason could that be?” I shall not disappoint you with the answer.
Danger! Wild animals! And what’s worse, it’s a danger-wild-animals vehicle with a lock that a four-year-old could easily break off and wave around like a trophy…
Good Lord! It's Rajah, the famous Bengal man-eater! The tiger leaps out of the carny wagon and into the bed of Doris’ truck. Wacky! Now—the reason for the canopy is clearly so Doris won’t notice there’s a freaking tiger in the back of her truck…but look at this screen cap:
If Doris can’t see that, she might pose a greater danger being on the highway because of her poor eyesight. Well, she drives home with El Tigre in the truck bed (can she not smell the tiger?) and arrives at Rancho Webb…where Juanita, having dished up some Zagnut bars for the boys’ lunch, rushes outside to greet her mistress. And then this is a thing that happens:
Yes, Juanita drops to the ground like a sack of flour…and Doris tells the boys to slowly head for the house, seemingly aware of Rajah’s renowned man-gobbling prowess. Billy at first wants to play the hero, but Doris insists that he take young Toby to safety.
Awwww…the tiger is licking Doris’ hand! Isn’t that precious! “You’re just a big pussycat,” she trills with Doris-like optimism, and a scene dissolve finds the puddy tat having a nice bowl of milk…though it’s more like a bucket of milk. As Buck watches with fascination, he yells at Doris in the other room as to the progress she’s making contacting the sheriff; Doris replies “It’s still busy!”—and while I’m not a mind reader or anything, the phone tie-up might have something to do with the fact that there’s a freaking Panthera tigris roaming loose in Cotina.
“How’s Juanita?” asks Doris.
“Oh, she’s fine,” is Buck’s answer, “she’s still locked in her room—says
she won’t come out until this tiger is out of the house.” Or when the tequila runs out…whichever comes
first. Now—I don’t want regular visitors
of this space to get the impression that I’m starting to warm up to Doris’
idiot children…but I kind of enjoyed this next bit with Gran’pa Buck:
BUCK: Sure does…drank the total
output of every cow on this ranch…
“And then asked me to throw a couple on the grill…”
BUCK: He’s got to go!
(Rajah growls at Buck)
BILLY: I think you made him mad,
Grandpa…
BUCK: Nah…he’s just gotta burp…finish your milk…
BILLY: Boy, he sure is hungry!
TOBY: Probably starving…
BILLY: If I had a tiger…I wouldn’t let him starve…
TOBY: Me neither…
BILLY: I wonder if he belongs to
anybody?
TOBY: Probably an orphan…
BUCK: The answer to the next
question is no…
I did laugh out loud at that. (“You kids don’t mind if Gran’pa looks at his
driver license and…well, whaddya know? I
wasn’t born yesterday…”) “You don’t
even know what we’re going to say,” Billy protests.
BUCK: You wanna bet?
TOBY: Well…can we?
BUCK: Nope! This tiger has got to belong to some circus
or carnival or somethin’…
BILLY: But you’re not sure…
BUCK: Well, I’m sure I can’t keep a tiger on this ranch…
BILLY: You won’t have to do
anything!
TOBY: Yeah, we’ll take care of him!
“Well, that’s what you said about Leroy…and who ended up
having to feed him and take him for walks?”
Sorry, kids—while we’ll give you an “A” for effort, Buckaroo ain’t
buyin’ the B.S. “I’m not feedin’
twenty-seven Holsteins grain and alfalfa just to support one tiger,” he
explains. With the chiming of a clock,
Buck is reminded that the kids have a Cub Scout meeting to go to…but Billy and
Toby want to stick around and play with the puddy tat. “When you signed up with the cubs you made a
deal,” Buck starts…and I didn’t hear the rest of what he said because I was too
busy tee-heeing at the thought of both Martin boys in the outfield at Wrigley
Field. (Hey—the Cubs could do worse.) The Cub Scout meeting is merely a writer’s
device to get the kids out of harm’s way…one of many reasons why this episode
loses its bid for greatness.
As you can see, Rajah has made a bit of a mess on the living room floor. (I’ll bet Juanita is chomping at the bit to clean that up.) Buck heads back into the kitchen, where Doris is still trying to contact the law enforcement that protects the bustling metropolis known as Cotina.
DORIS: How’s our friend doing?
BUCK: Well, he’s tame and all
that…but…uh…he’s still a meat
eater…and I don’t know how long this milk is gonna keep him happy…
DORIS: Well, we better put him in
the barn—he’ll be safe there…
BUCK: He’ll be safe? Listen, we’ve
got pigs, chickens…all kinds of animals on this ranch—I’m worried about them!
Doris, tireless pro-animal crusader she may be, seems to
have overlooked the fact that Webb Farms is like an S&S Cafeteria to a
former inhabitant of the jungle wilds.
Finally, Doris gets hold of the cops—the deputy answers the phone; he’s
later referred to as “Andy,” and is portrayed by Bard Stevens…making his third
and last appearance on the program (Stevens played bit roles in the previous “The
Relatives” and “The
Con Man”). The sheriff, on the other
hand, is a return visitor—though we were first introduced to Ben Anders in “The
Matchmakers” (where he was played by TV vet Frank Maxwell), TDOY fave Barney Phillips encores as
Cotina’s long arm of the law in his second and last portrayal on the show (he
was seen just a couple of weeks ago in “The
Still”).
BEN: Well, I’m sorry, Doris—I’ve
been rounding up a posse and dogs…we’ve got a tiger loose in the county!
Hey—I was right on that score! (Makes hash mark) Doris explains to Ben that
she knows all about the tiger—because “the big pussycat” is on her farm, in her
very barn! She also cautions him that he
need not bring out a platoon of men or “the Canine Corps” since Rajah is
perfectly tame. “Well, until I can find
out for myself,” Ben answers, “I’m sure you won’t mind if I bring along a
little insurance?” (Does Geico cover
tigers?)
As Anders and his posse head out to the ranch, Leroy pulls
up in the jeep accompanied by appropriate “bumpkin” music…because you people
have watched as many sitcoms as I have, and you just know what’s going to
happen next.
“Hmm…sure wish I had some book larnin’ so I could read what’s on that sign…” Yes, Leroy B. Dipsh*t opens the barn door as wide as you please…and El Tigre decides to go out for a stroll.
Homina homina homina…okay, let’s hear from Ralston-Purina.
Act Two finds Ben, Andy and several eager volunteers pulling
up in several cars, accompanied by a pack of barking bloodhounds. Doris is trying to get everyone quieted down,
because Juanita already has a bad case of the shakes after her encounter with
Rajah, and loud noises make her even more nervous.
BEN: Boys, can’t you quiet those
dogs?
ANDY: I’m tryin’ my best,
Sheriff…they got the smell of the big cat!
Doris keeps arguing that she believes the tiger to be tame,
with Ben countering that he needs to find out for himself. (“Let him sit on your lap and you’ll
see!”) Capturing the tiger really isn’t
all that complicated, though; all they have to do is sing Beethoven's Ode to Joy from the famous Ninth Symphony in D minor. Buck and Doris open the barn door, and out
comes Leroy the Dumbass, who’s no doubt soiled himself in the encounter with
Rajah.
BEN: If this is some kind of a
joke, Doris, I don’t think it’s very funny…
BUCK: It’s no joke and it’s not
funny…
DORIS: Leroy, what did you do with
him?
LEROY: I didn’t do anything with
him, Miz Martin…
DORIS: Well, where is he?
LEROY: …it’s what he nearly did to
me!
BEN: Oh…tame, huh?
DORIS: He is tame! What did you do, Leroy—scare him?
“Scared him? I’m the one with the soiled
underwear!” Both Doris and Buck are very
disappointed with their hired hand, despite his protests that the animal was
this close to leaping at his neck, pulling out a vein and killing him. Sheriff Ben rounds up his men and makes plans
to head elsewhere, because several of those guys aren’t going to be satisfied
until they’ve killed themselves a predator.
DORIS: Ben, you just can’t hunt
down this creature as if it were a wild animal!
BEN: Doris…as far as I’m concerned,
that’s exactly what he is…
DORIS: Ben, won’t you listen to
me? I let my two sons…take that tiger
into my very own kitchen…and give him a bowl of milk…now doesn’t that mean
something to you?
“Yeah…it means I may have to swing back by with some
commitment papers…” Ben empathizes with
Doris, but he keeps concentrating on the immutable fact that El Tigre is a
man-eater, and once he gets hungry “he isn’t going to stick to being a
vegetarian for very long.”
BEN: Doris…you had him…and he got away…now it’s my job to find him before he does any harm…
Saddle up, boys! If
we find this critter before dark there’ll be tiger steaks for ev’rybody! Buck is going to go along and supervise
because redneck, but before leaving he fires this volley: “Now, if you’d let me
fire that nincompoop when this happened—we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
That’s the nincompoop, in case you’ve forgotten. Buck promises to do what he can to save Doris’ tiger…but admonishes “See that he’s gone by the time I get back here!” Leroy tries his best to console an upset Doris.
LEROY: I sure am sorry…
DORIS: I know you are…
“You’re the sorriest son of a…well, I need to watch my phraseology…”
DORIS: How do you know he’ll head
for the hills?
LEROY: Oh, that’s where he’ll go,
all right…up where there’s trees and caves where he can hide in…away from
people and get him some food…the sheriff was right about that, you know—he’ll
be needin’ some meat pretty soon…
DORIS: Hey, Leroy…you really know
those hills, don’t you?
Now—if Leroy were a native Cotinian or whatever nomenclature
they use to describe inhabitants of that jerkwater burg, this might be
plausible plot-wise…but as we are well aware, Leroy was a simple country
drifter who just happened by the Webb ranch one day, as told in “Leroy
B. Simpson.” The show’s producers
have to sell this angle to make Leroy’s actions seem heroic later on, otherwise
he’ll be just
another doofus who gets lost in a cave.
Doris orders Leroy to fetch a lantern and a rope, because they have work
to do.
LEROY: You mean we’re gonna try to find that tiger?
DORIS: You bet!
LEROY: On purpose?
“Look, Leroy,” Doris explains, “would you rather take a
chance on meeting that tiger or my father
when he gets back?” “I’ll get the rope
and the lantern,” Leroy says dejectedly.
The scene shifts to a cave…and don’t tell Andrew Leal this, but if Goober Pyle just happened to amble by, I’d never be so happy to see anyone in all my life. Inside the cave, Buck, Sheriff Ben and the others are holding the barking dogs at bay while they discuss their stragedy on how to flush the tiger out. Ben gets a little agitated at Buck during all this, and at one point tells him: “Buck, why don’t you get off my back—I don’t like this any better than you do…” The plan is just to sit tight and wait for Rajah to become peckish, since the only exit is blocked by Cotina’s finest sharpshooters and the bloodhounds.
DORIS: That poor thing doesn’t have
a chance…
LEROY: Miz Martin…are you sure you got a good look at his teeth?
DORIS: Leroy, he’s so tame…believe
me…
LEROY: Well…I believe you, Miz
Martin…but I’m just glad I’m not in there with them…
“If there were only another entrance into that cave,” Doris wonders out loud…but she’s just being a big silly—of course there’s another entrance! The events in the Andy Griffith Show episode “Barney and the Cave Rescue” so concerned lawmakers at the time that Congress passed the Omnibus Television Spelunking Act…which dictates that all caves on the small screen be fitted with both an entrance and an alternative entrance.
DORIS: Leroy?
LEROY: Hmm?
DORIS: Is there another entrance into that cave?
LEROY: What cave?
Okay, I did chuckle slightly at Leroy’s reticence to impart
information about the cave’s “back door” to his boss, because while he may be
an idiot…he’s smart enough to know she’s going to insist on going there. After some hemming and hawing, Leroy reveals
that “it might have been a rumor” that there’s another way of getting in “up by
Fisher’s Creek.”
As Buck and Sheriff Ben continue to spar over how to remove
Rajah from his new home (“You might try some tear gas or a hand grenade, Ben,”
Buck jokes), Leroy and Doris arrive at the Fisher Creek entrance and mosey on
inside.
“Hewwo, you bad ol’ puddy tat!” While Leroy soils his second pair of jeans, Doris waits until El Tigre comes over for another petting, and she gingerly slips the rope around his neck.
LEROY: Now…should I go tell your
father you caught him?
DORIS: Yes…
BOIIIIIINNNNGGG!
DORIS: No, Leroy!
LEROY: No?
DORIS: Leroy…have you ever seen my father as mad at you as he
was this afternoon when you let this tiger out of the barn?
LEROY: Yes, ma’am…this morning when
I almost let the pigs out of the pen…
What Leroy’s feeble thought processes are having difficulty
handling is that Doris is going to let him take the credit for the capture of
Rajah. This could be most beneficial;
either Leroy will be eaten by the tiger—and our long national blogging
nightmare will be over—or he can use the big kitty as a bargaining chip to get
his pathetic handyman job back. (Though
I have to tell you, I’m kind of banking on the first scenario.) And that’s just what happens…the tiger’s
growls can be heard inside the cave as Leroy makes his way to where the others
are. Ben and the posse point their
bang-bang guns toward the hole where the tiger will eventually emerge, and
somehow Doris has managed to double back to meet her father at the main
entrance.
BUCK: Doris…what are you doing
here? When he makes his run—it’s gonna
break your heart!
DORIS: Isn’t there something we can do?
BUCK: I tried!
DORIS: I’m sure you did…knowing
you, you’d forgive your worst enemy
if he would save that tiger—wouldn’t you?
BUCK: I sure would…
Buck! You were so
close, amigo! Because at that moment,
Leroy leads the tiger out of the darkness…past the men with guns, and past Buck
and Doris.
Oh, Buck—will you ever win?
I don’t know about you…but I’m done with this episode. The coda is pretty forgettable; Buck has
graciously allowed Leroy a 4,740th chance in exchange for a mouth-watering
bribe. “Is that pie done you promised
me?” he asks Juanita, who has been predictably scarred by the whole tiger
experience. Doris assures him it is, and
what’s more—there’s ice cream to make that slice o’pie “a la mode.”
As Doris lifts the pie up so that Buck can get a whiff of
that heavenly baked goods aroma, Leroy comes crashing into the kitchen and in
hitting Buck in the ass with the door, sends the pie to the ground.
LEROY: Never mind, Mr. Webb…it can wait…
BUCK: You know what you are, boy?
LEROY: Yes, sir…I know… (He runs
out of the kitchen)
BUCK: You’re a nincompoop! That’s what
you are!
Poor Buckley. And
Doris’ only words of condolence? “Scrape
it up!”
Next time on Doris Day(s)—oh, if I can get
through this one it will be recognized as a miracle by the Catholic
Church. While it features one of the
greatest character actors from radio, movies and TV…it also shines a spotlight
on Juanita, admittedly the weakest character in the entire sitcom. You’ll need a hardy constitution to survive
the perils of “The Date”…but if you’re up for it, I’ll be here in this same
space next week.
