“You better sit down kids…”

On this date in radio history—we have two very, very important anniversaries to observe.  Eighty years ago today, the adventures of “the daring and resourceful masked rider of the plains” were first broadcast over WXYZ Radio in Detroit, Michigan.  The rider was masked because he, his brother and four other lawmen were cut down in an ambush by some really skeevy criminal types…and as the only survivor, he donned a mask (created from his brother’s vest) and tracked down those scumbags to mete out justice…and then learned that he liked leading “the fight for law and order” in the West.  Accompanied by his faithful Native American companion Tonto (the man responsible for treating his near-fatal wounds and nursing him back to health) and riding a beautiful white stallion named Silver…well, you don’t have to ask who that masked man was—he’s the Lone Ranger.

Three years after the debut of The Lone Ranger, a similar masked crimefighter took to the airwaves (making this his 77th anniversary)—similar in that he also rode with a sidekick, only in this version he drove a car (nicknamed The Black Beauty), and both programs’ theme songs were classical music masterpieces.  In the case of the Ranger, it was The William Tell Overture—The Flight of the Bumblebee introduced the adventures of The Green Hornet.  Over at the Radio Spirits blog, I hoist a few in the direction of these two iconic programs…and tout an excellent CD collection available at the site that no Lone Ranger/Green Hornet fan should be without (with liner notes written by one of the great ones, OTR historian and author Martin Grams, Jr.).

So with the anniversary cake and ice cream out of the way…I have news that isn’t easy for me to impart.  (No, your mom and I aren’t getting a divorce.)  About two weeks ago, I was hired by the CEO of ClassicFlix.com to assume associate editor duties at the site—they will be revamping the place come this February, with articles and reviews on classic films and DVD reviews, and a regular series of columns from contributors on areas involving classic movies and classic television.  In addition, I will also be making the concerted effort to boost the site’s profile on various social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter—if some of you subscribe to their Twitter feed or ClassicFlix’s Facebook page, you may have already read some of my pithy bon mots…though in the case of Twitter, it’s not easy to bon mot in 140 characters or less.

It is a superb opportunity for me, one that I enthusiastically agreed to because it allows me to write about my lifelong passions…and in complete I’m-not-making-a-joke honesty…if you have told me this would come along when I started Thrilling Days of Yesteryear nearly ten years ago I would have suggested you seek serious psychiatric help.  The great thing is that this job also compliments what I now do at Radio Spirits, continuing to maintain their blog and write liner notes for their new collections when assigned.

The sad news is…well, both of these responsibilities are going to eat up a fair amount of my time…and as such, I’m not going to be able to carry on here at TDOY as much as I have in the past.  I’m not completely closing down shop—there’s just going to be more than few occasions when a regular feature like Mayberry Mondays and Serial Saturdays will become…well, irregular.  I had hoped to be able to keep the Mayberry thing going till at least finishing out the series…and while there’s certainly a small chance I’ll accomplish that soon, I can’t promise it will happen as quickly as I would like.

I’ve made a couple of commitments to some upcoming blogathons that I plan to keep—right now, I don’t anticipate any setbacks…but again, if the people running those events find an e-mail from me in their mailbox it might not be positive news.  But I plan to look in on the place from time to time (so don’t get any ideas about camping out or eating the Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls I have in the freezer) if only to keep my “skin in the game,” as the hipsters say…and if you plan to stop by the new places where I’m practicing cinematic medicine, you’re more than welcome.  (Just call first so I have a chance to do a quick tidy-up.)

Mayberry Mondays Tuesdays #73: “Alice and the Professor” (02/22/71, prod. no. 0318)

Ivan’s note: Yeah, I have to dole out apologies for not having this done yesterday…there’s been some pretty amazing things happening around Rancho Yesteryear within the past week or two, which I hope to be able to talk about in greater detail within a day or two.  But until that time…

The twelfth episode of Mayberry R.F.D.’s third season—what we would call here on the blog Mayberry Mondays #64—has Jones family housekeeper Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley) purchasing the titular musical instrument in “The Harp” and deciding to learn how to play only because the writers were phoning in the script that week—not nearly creative enough to think of a storyline in which Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster) is eaten by a bear.  The instructor who helps Alice overcome her fear of harping (if that’s what you can call it) and receive much applause at a later recital, is played by character great Leonid Kinskey, whose character is identified as “Professor Radetzky.”

In this follow-up episode (Seriously?  There were people wanting a second appearance from this guy?), we learn that Radetzky has a first name…but we’re not going to reveal it just yet.  Instead, we will open this week’s episode with a scene at the Jones family kitchen table: poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague are poring through some rather large record books that according to Sam contain property lists.  This is the sort of sh*t that Howard lives for, but the two have no sooner started digging into their pile of work when he’s distracted by the sound of someone playing the scales on a harp from the living room.

SAM: Oh…that’s…that’s Alice…she’s taking her harp lesson from Professor Radetzky…

HOWARD: Oh!  Good for her!  Glad to hear she’s still wooing the stringed muse…heh heh heh…

Gol darnit, Mr. Sprague…you use your tongue purtier than a twenty-dollar whore.  Howard and Sam continue with their work when Howard hears a pleasant strumming of the instrument and remarks: “She’s doing splendidly!”

“Uh…no, that’s the professor,” Sam explains, which is then followed by the sound of someone trying to pluck the harp with a rake.  “Now…that’s Alice,” he continues.

ALICE: How’s that, Professor?

RADETZKY (with a heavy sigh): Without suffering…there is no art…

ALICE: Well, there’s still a little room for improvement…huh?

RADETZKY: It will come, it will come, it will come…now—let us try the Brahms…

ALICE: Oh, Brahms…he always scares me…

RADETZKY: Go go go…courage!

Alice starts to practice the piece, but it would appear she’s not the only one frightened by Brahms…after hearing her torture Brahms’ Lullaby, Howard gives up and tells Sam he’ll just take the records down to his office so he can get some work done.  “I thought you were a music lover?” Sam asks his friend.

“Would that I were not,” returns Howard, and Dodson’s delivery of this confirms my long-held belief that there’s a laugh-out-loud moment in every episode.  So Sam offers to help Howard carry the books of records out to his car, remarking “It’s a shame you weren’t here last week…they were playing The Happy Farmer.”

Alice finishes mangling the Lullaby, and she looks over to see Radetzky bent over the back of the couch, as if he were getting ready to retch.  “I wasn’t good again, was I?” she asks him.  But he explains that one cannot enjoy Brahms “on an empty stomach.”

ALICE: Oh, that’s right!  It is getting near lunchtime, isn’t it?

RADETZKY: You see—with my busy schedule—I often miss my breakfast…

ALICE: Why, you poor man—let me fix you something…

RADETZKY: No no no dear lady…no no no…absolutely not…uh…nothing left…

ALICE: Let me see what we have in the refrigerator…

The Prof attacks that fridge like it was after midnight at a frat party—chicken, potato salad, a jar of pickles, cold cuts and a blueberry pie.  We do not see him enjoying his nosh (apparently a syndication-mandated wipe); instead the scene cuts to Alice finishing another piece on the harp, and Radetzky applauding with great encouragement.

ALICE: Was I better?

RADETZKY: Absolutely!  And the thumbs…they were magnificent!  Especially this one… (He reaches for her hand and kisses it)

ALICE (embarrassed): Oh…Professor!

Here it comes…the moment you’ve been waiting for…

RADETZKY: Call me Wolfgang…

ALICE: Well…you know…I really did feel better about it this time…I really did…

RADETZKY: You were marvelous!  Especially with so much on your mind…it’s being so near dinnertime…

I’m starting to suspect that Maison la Jones is Wolfie’s favorite place to eat.  Generous portions, and at ridiculously low prices.  Alice invites him to stay for the early bird special, admitting that she was counting on it—but Radetzky declines.  “My dinner is waiting—and you know how macaroni is once it’s thawed out.”

ALICE: Frozen macaroni?  That’s your dinner?

RADETZKY: Well…it’s Wednesday, isn’t it?

The two are interrupted by the arrival of the Master of the House, Laird Samuel himself, who is clearly carrying (judging by the pink box) something home from Boysinger’s Bakery…the place of employment for his best girl, Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka).  (By the way—last Wednesday, January 23, was Ms. Golonka’s 77th natal anniversary…and I wished her many happy returns of the day on Facebook, along with a link to the zaniness that I do here every Monday.  I have not received a response…but then again, I also haven’t received a letter or phone call from her attorney, so I consider this a win-win.)  Anyway, Sam’s sudden entrance startles both Alice and Wolfgang in the same manner as one might walk in on a couple of teenagers exploring one another for non-scientific reasons, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

ALICE: I, uh, I was just trying to persuade the Professor to stay for dinner…

SAM: Oh really? Well…sure…by all means…do join us…we’d love to have you—as a matter of fact, look what I have here… (He holds up the box) Blueberry pie!

“Son of a…I had that for lunch…”  No, the fact that there will be pie for dessert clinches the deal—“I’m helpless,” Radetzky admits coyly.

Sam tells Alice he’ll just put the pie in the kitchen but she insists on going in with him to find a place for the dessert…and once he’s crossed the threshold he finds out why—Alice has apparently been hard at work preparing a regular banquet.  Observe:

Duck a la Alice!  Duh-rool, duh-rool!

ALICE: Well…I thought it might be nice for a change…

SAM: Uh…Alice, this, uh, inviting the Professor to dinner wasn’t exactly a spur-of-the-moment idea, was it?

ALICE: Well, maybe not… (Sighing) It was something he said yesterday about the kitchen…he said “It’s the heart and soul of the home”…heh…

SAM: Ah…

ALICE: Isn’t that beautiful?

SAM: Well, uh, I’ve never heard it put quite that way before…but…it is kind of old-worldly, and…romantic…

ALICE: I think so…

“It’s been so long, Sam…”  Alice suggests to her cousin that while she putters around to prepare the splendid repast, he should go out and talk with Wolfgang…maybe he’ll even entertain him with a selection on the harp.

“Maybe I’ll have him play The Happy Farmer,” jokes Sam.  “I’ve never heard that all the way through.”

Sam, Wolfie and Idiot Boy are seated at the dinner table when Alice appears at the kitchen door and asks Sam if he’ll light the candles on the table.  Our hero is taking a real chance on this, because one of them is right in front of his cretinous son and that’s just asking for trouble.  Alice then enters the dining room carrying a tray with four servings on it.

RADETZKY: Ah…scampi!

MIKE: I got shrimp!

SAM: It’s the same thing, Mike…

“I like cheese!”  Wolfgang politely holds the chair out for Alice, and the four of them sit down.  At the end of the meal…

RADETZKY: Mm mm mm mm…magnificent repast, my dear lady…

SAM: Yes, it was…just excellent, Alice…

MIKE: Boy—that’s the best meal I ever had on a weekday!  You’re a swell cook, Cousin Alice!

When Alice first came on this show (“The New Housekeeper”) she couldn’t even bake a cake.  Now suddenly she’s the Barefoot Freaking Contessa.

SAM: Not bad for a sergeant!

RADETZKY: Hmm?  Sergeant?

SAM: Yes—didn’t you know?  Alice had quite a career in the WACs…we are now dining with Alice B. Cooper, Sergeant, United States Army, retired…

MIKE: Yeah!  She gets a check from ‘em every month!  Just for doin’ nothin’!

“Come to think of it…so does my Pa!”

RADETZKY: Really?  Hmm…it’s very interesting…what a wonderful custom!

ALICE: Well, it does come in handy…

RADETZKY: Sergeant…you must allow me to reciprocate for this wonderful meal…

ALICE: Oh…no…that isn’t necessary…

RADETZKY: But it is!  Tomorrow I shall take you on most glorious picnic in the country…

SAM: Hey!  That sounds nice, Alice…

RADETZKY: I know exactly the spot…a wooded glade…by the babbling brook…with nothing but sky above us…

ALICE: Oh…how romantic!

RADETZKY: As for the food…bring whatever you like…

Sam does a take at this, and then there’s a dissolve to the council office, where Howard is trying to catch up on the latest gossip since he’s apparently finished his work for the day.  The non-presence of gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and fix-it savant Emmett Clark goes unexplained in this episode, unless there’s a nearby idiot convention in Siler City.

HOWARD: How’s, uh, Alice coming with her harp lessons?

SAM: Well, she’s, uh, certainly seeing a lot of her professor…

HOWARD: You’re not hinting that there’s a romance in the offing, are you?

SAM: Well…I don’t know about that, but they are on a picnic…

Enter the always delightful Millie, who asks “Who’s going on a picnic?” since she’s walked in on the tail end of the conversation.

SAM: Uh…Alice and the professor…they’re going on a picnic…

MILLIE: Oh!  How romantic…

SAM: Yeah, I’ll say it’s romantic—she worked all morning getting the food ready…

MILLIE: I think it’s sweet…even if there is a difference in their ages…

People just can’t get over that stigma of women dating younger men.

SAM: What’s that got to do with it?

MILLIE: Well, when she’s 45…he’ll be… (She shrugs, and opens a paper bag containing her lunch)

Boinking an eighteen-year-old.

SAM: Millie…Millie, look…cold cuts and potato salad up at Myers’ Lake do not necessarily add up to wedding bells…

HOWARD: I don’t know, Sam…

“Cold cuts are widely known throughout the world for their aphrodisiac qualities…”

HOWARD: …never underestimate the persuasiveness of the European male…it’s a well-known fact that Rochambeau, the artist?  He married his grandson’s girlfriend at the age of 93…

“…and he ate a lot of cold cuts!”  Sam pooh-poohs all this talk of romance—he’s convinced that it’s nothing more than the usual teacher-pupil relationship, except that the teacher, rather than making lesson plans, is eating him out of house and home.  Millie thinks it would be wonderful if they hit it off together, and Sam admonishes her for trying to make them an item.

“Mmm…I don’t know, Sam,” interjects Howard.  “I’m inclined to go along with Millie.”  (Suck-up.)  “Vive l’amour!” he adds, with a hound dog grin.  (“Tish!  You spoke French!”)

Back at the Jones Ranch, Sam is perusing a note left by Cousin Alice for him in the kitchen.  It would seem that she and Wolfgang have gone to Mt. Pilot to see Blossoms in the Dust (1941) and— not to put too fine a point on it—he and the moron kid are on their own.

SAM: You mean they came home from the picnic and took off again?

MIKE: Uh-huh…and they were laughing a lot…and Cousin Alice’s cheeks were red…and they didn’t even go near the harp…

SAM: Oh, really?

MIKE: Uh-huh…and…they asked me to go with them…but I could tell they didn’t really mean it…

“Because when I came back downstairs after getting my jacket…they weren’t here…and neither was the car.”  So it looks like it will cold roast duck for Jones pere et fils.  “Think we can handle it without the candles?” Sam asks Mike.

“Sure, Pa,” is his response.  (“Fire bad!”)  A dissolve finds Sam sitting in repose in his chair, reading Tropic of Cancer when he hears a car door slam outside and Alice’s voice as the two of them head toward the house.  As Sam heads for the front door, we then hear her say, “Oh, Wolfgang!” and suddenly everyone watching this episode has never wanted a front door to be shut tightly in all their lives.  But Sam insists on opening the door, and in spill Alice and Wolfie, looking a bit guilty.

SAM: Did—did you have a nice time?

ALICE: Oh, yes…Wolfie and I had a marvelous evening…

SAM: Oh, good!  Good…I…was, uh, I was just reading here…I wasn’t waiting up or anything…

ALICE: I should hope not…

SAM: No!  (After an uncomfortable pause) Well…how was the movie?  I heard you went clear to Mt. Pilot…

ALICE: Yes, uh, Wolfie knows the manager over there personally…

RADETZKY: I give his daughter lessons and…he gives me passes…

He’s like a barter gigolo.  Well, this awkward moment could probably last the rest of the sitcom, so Sam starts doing some faux yawning (a chuckleworthy moment) and announces he should probably get to bed.  Alice then tells him that she and the Professor are going to grab a midnight snack, and she says to him: “You don’t care for anything, do you, Sam?”

Sam stops for a moment because he could do with a nosh…and then sees Alice looking at him in the same way she was probably staring down Mike earlier.  Sam says no thank you, and Alice and the professor head out to the kitchen to do it on the kitchen table.

No!  I mean…sorry to plant that into your heads, friends and neighbors.  But we do go to a commercial, and when we return from paying the bills with Sanka and Grape Nuts, we find Sam exiting the kitchen just as Alice is coming downstairs carrying a dress on a hanger.

SAM: Alice…Alice, could I talk to you for a minute…please?

ALICE: Of course!

SAM: Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s about…Professor Radetzky…

ALICE: Oh, yes…Wolfgang…

SAM: Yeah…

ALICE: Don’t you just love that name?

SAM: Yeah…

ALICE: It’s so continental…he was here, today, for another harp lesson…

SAM: Oh?

ALICE: Yes…just before lunch…

SAM: Yeah…oh?  Yeah…

ALICE: He’s been giving me a little…personal attention…

Oh, Alice.  We would have been so much better off not knowing that.

SAM: Yeah…you have been seeing…quite a lot of each other, haven’t you?

ALICE: And do you know what?  Today he asked me for our first real date—he’s taking me out to dinner!

SAM (slightly surprised): He is?

ALICE: Yes…Saturday night…that’s the reason for this… (She holds up the dress)

SAM: Oh…well…uh…

ALICE: You know, Sam…it’s so silly, but…I’m so excited…

“It’s been so long, Sam…”  Alice tells Sam that Wolfie has suggested he and Millie go with them, as in a double date.

SAM: …I’m sure Millie would get a kick out of that…

ALICE: Oh, good…good…I told the Professor that you’d call and confirm it…

SAM: Yeah…okay…I’ll do that…

ALICE: He left his number right over there by the phone…

SAM: Well…uh…huh…boy, you really are excited about this, aren’t you?

“Perhaps I’m not making this clear to you, Sam…it’s been so long.”  Alice’s giddiness about the large hunk of stud muffin that is Radetzky is explained in a statement she makes to Sam: “Wolfie just—what is that phrase they use?  Uh…turns me on!”  All we need now is Jo Anne Worley telling him to “ring my chimes” and we won’t be able to think about eating for a year.

So Sam phones Radetzky at his seedy boarding house, and he answers the pay phone wearing his usual bathrobe—does the guy sleep during the day, or what?  The two of them discuss the fact that the only place to take both of their lady loves is Morelli’s, which Sam remarks “it’s about the best restaurant around here”—I’m sure the folks running the Mayberry Diner looked up and yelled “Hey!” when they heard that crack.

“One thing, Mr. Jones,” Radetzky says just before he hangs up.  “I insist—next time it will be my treat.”  (Okay, I did laugh at this.)

So we dissolve to a scene of dining and dancing at the world famous Morelli’s restaurant…and it’s a little hard to tell from the above screen cap but there are several rather large barrels of wine decorating the place in the background with the words “Morelli’s Choice Wines” and “Morelli’s Vineyards.”  What I want to know is—has this always been a Morelli’s tradition?  In a second season episode, “Saving Morelli’s,” Sam must dance like a scarecrow to keep the restaurant afloat (Mr. M is losing business) but you can’t tell me a joint making its own spirits would have trouble attracting customers. (Besides, Mayberry has always struck me as a dry county, given the amount of shine that was brewed there when Andy Taylor was sheriff.)

ALICE: I want to thank you, Wolfgang…that dinner was marvelous…

RADETZKY: Oh… (He gives her an “it was nothing” wave)

SAM: How do you like Morelli’s, Professor?

RADETZKY: Oh…how could I not like it?

“You’re taking care of the check…remember?”

RADETZKY: Good food…music… (He takes Alice’s hand and kisses it) And the charming companionship…

“Plus I won’t have to wash dishes this time around, so…”

Somebody goes a little wild with the jukebox and starts playing a sprightly polka…and Radetzky asks Alice to dance.  But she declines, telling him: “I think that’s a little too stirring.”  Fortunately, Millie is game enough to go out on the dance floor, and as the two of them shake a tail feather, I am reminded of village idiot Goober’s talent for dancing as if he were an epileptic trying to tamp down a brush fire.

A quick optical wipe later, and Millie and the Professor are back at the table.

RADETZKY: But now…I have a surprise for you…

“I’m really going to pick up the check…”

RADETZKY: This afternoon I brought Mr. Morelli a very special record…a waltz…composed many years ago…by Wolfgang Radetzky…

MILLIE: Oh!!!

ALICE: By you?

RADETZKY: Yes…and I asked Mr. Morelli…to do me a favor and put it on his jukebox…

MILLIE: Oh!  I’m dying to hear it!

SAM: Yeah!  Me too!

RADETZKY: I was hoping you would… (He stands up and fumbles through his pockets) Uh…does anybody have a quarter?

Millie starts to reach for her purse but Sam waves her off—well, why not…he’s paying for this shindig; he might as well kick in for the music as well.  Morelli takes the coin from Sam and then coming back from the jukebox, tells Alice “This dance must be ours.”  The couple get out on the dance floor and boogie like rock stars.

MILLIE: See?  What did I tell you?  Is that romance or isn’t it?

SAM (resignedly): That’s romance…

Hot cookies, Agnes!  It looks like we’ll be getting a new character on the show—I can see it now…Wolfie helping Goober out at the service station because the harp lesson gigs have dried up…Wolfie and Howard discussing classical music and putting everyone to sleep…Emmett distrusting the Professor because “I ain’t exactly sure where that guy comes from!”  This will be just the creative kick in the pants this show needs!

There is then a dissolve to the council office.

SAM: Well…I have to admit—they made a very handsome couple out there on the floor…

HOWARD: Yeah…I heard all about it—it’s the talk of the town!

Seriously.  You people need to get a life.

MILLIE: You should have seen Alice…ah, she glowed…

A couple bottles of Morelli’s sparkling burgundy will have that effect on a gal.

HOWARD: Those old world charmers certainly know how to treat a woman, all right…well, it was nice of the Professor to take you all to dinner…

SAM: Oh, don’t kid yourself—that “old world charm” maneuvered me into picking up the check…

Millie has no more time to stand around looking adorable—she has to get back to the old salt lick, so she gives Sam a peck and tells him “Keep me posted!” as she heads out the door.  (Though with the news of Alice and Wolfie being “the talk of the town” she’ll probably get a bulletin before she’s back behind the register.)  The conversation between Sam and Howard is interrupted by a phone call—Radetzky is on the other end, and after talking with him for a few Sam hangs up, perplexed.

HOWARD: What is it, Sam?

SAM (after a pause and a sigh): The Professor wants to have a little talk with me…in private…

HOWARD (grinning): Uh oh…I’ll bet it’s about Alice!

SAM: Howard…you don’t suppose…

HOWARD: Yes!  Of course!  He’s going to ask for her hand in marriage!

“And Goober, Emmett and I will be bridesmaids!”  Sam is completely taken aback by this.  (Not the bridesmaids part—that I made up.)

SAM: Well…what am I supposed to say?

HOWARD: Well…what a father would say if somebody asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage…

SAM: Oh, Howard…

HOWARD: Yes!  You’ve got to ask about his family background and his prospects…and of course, his bank account…

That shouldn’t take too long.  Sam doesn’t want to get dragged into this, but Howard tells him that he is the head of the family.  “Oh, and one thing more,” his friend says as he starts out the door (presumably to run up the street and gossip all this with Millie), “You’d better be prepared to come up with a huge, sizable dowry.”

So Sam arrives back at stately Jones Manor through the back entrance in the kitchen, and Alice tells him that Radetzky is waiting for him in the living room.  Sam is just sick about having to do this…probably because there’s a possibility he’s going to also have to have a talk with Wolfie about where babies come from.

SAM: Look…Alice…before I talk to him I…I want to know…how do you feel about this thing?

ALICE: Well, Sam…he is a lovely man…we do enjoy each other’s company…and…we have common interests in music…and he did teach me to play The Happy Farmer all the way through…but…Sam…I don’t want to marry him…

“Last night when I went back to his place…I figured out why it had been so long.”  Sam is relieved about this turn of events, and tells Alice that all she has to do is kick Wolfgang to the curb.  But she wants him to do it—she “just couldn’t find the words.”  She also butters up her cousin by telling him that “you know that you’re awfully good at this sort of thing”—but having sat through seventy-two episodes of this nonsense, we know a pile of road apples when we see it.  Sam has little choice in the matter because Alice keeps shoving him toward the door leading to the living room.

Sam goes out to the living room and meets with Radetzky.  He tells him that he’s guessing the Prof wants to talk about Alice, a gal Wolfie describes as “a woman of infinite charm and grace.”  Sam stammers a bit and finally manages to blurt out the word “marriage”…but it would appear that the eminent Professor Radetzky has his own views on that subject:

RADETZKY: About marriage, Mr. Jones…I, also, have very strong feelings…marriage is an admirable institution…

Please take note that I refrained from making the obvious joke.

RADETZKY: Because of my attention to…Miss Cooper…no doubt that she is such a mind…

SAM: Yes…well…uh…

RADETZKY: But, alas—it is not for Wolfgang Radetzky…

SAM: Not for you?

RADETZKY: I’m an artist…a free soul…soaring on the wings of music…these wings cannot be clipped…

SAM: Now…wait a minute…Professor…I want to get this straight…you…you don’t want to marry Alice?

RADETZKY: It will break her heart, but…this is the meaning…and Mr. Jones…would you please covey this message to the dear, dear lady…?

“And that message is—‘Why pay for the cow when I can get the milk for free?’”  Well, it looks like Cousin Alice dodged a bullet on that one.  As Radetzky is getting ready to run like a jackrabbit from the house, he asks Sam to let Alice down easy…and to also impart this bit of advice: “Thumbs up…fingers down.”  (You can make your own joke here.)

Alice emerges from the kitchen, allowing Sam to tell her that any more mention of marriage to that freeloading bum is just crazy talk.  She tells him “I knew you could do it,” and he replies rather smugly: “Yes…I do handle these things rather well.”  (I wasn’t exaggerating about how bad this was—was I?)

Brief coda to this one because I’m anxious to get a shower and remove any lingering traces of this episode from my body.  Alice and Sam are in the living room; she plays the harp and they both sing Those Endearing Young Charms…because Dish TV has not been invented yet.  Then Idiot Boy emerges from his boy cave and lighting a cigarette lighter, shouts “Freebird!”

No…I’m making that last part up again.

MIKE: That was great, you guys!  Why don’t you play some more!

ALICE: Do you really want to hear another one?

MIKE: Sure!  (He grabs a chair and sits down beside them)

ALICE: Well!

SAM: Really, Mike?

MIKE: Yeah!  Besides…it beats doing homework!

Get it?  Because the kid’s a moron!  Oh, R.F.D.—you’re fearless when it comes to bringing the comedy.

Well, except for a few minor bruises and contusions I got through that one okay…five more of these and soon I’ll be on the bus, looking to see if my best gal tied a bunch of yellow ribbons around the ol’ oak tree or if she’s bumping uglies with my best friend.  As I said last week—the only thing really amusing about this outing is the title, which is sort of a play on Nanny and the Professor, the hit ABC comedy starring Juliet Mills and Richard Long that didn’t have much longer to live, either (it was yanked from the schedule in December).  But since Cousin Alice is in this one, that makes a total of eleven appearances in the third and final season of Mayberry R.F.D., thanks to the tabulations from the handy-dandy Thrilling Days of Yesteryear Alice-o-Meter™.

Speaking of the Alice-o-Meter™…I’m going to have to put this up on eBay soon…but until that time, next week we’ll have (hopefully, if I’m not swamped) the last really worthwhile R.F.D. episode, “Howard, the Swinger,” which includes a return appearance from a lovely lady in a previous episode.  And then…it’s downhill from there, folks.  So join us when you can, won’t you?

Don Winslow of the Navy (1942) – Chapter 5: Trapped in the Dungeon

OUR STORY SO FAR (taken directly from the “crawl” that opens Part the Fifth): Don Winslow sees in the sabotage at Tangita Naval Base the work of The Scorpion.

Determined to locate The Scorpion’s headquarters, Don impersonates Barsac, wounded Scorpion agent, and is carried off by Scorpion henchmen who believe they are rescuing Barsac.

Taken to a “listening post,” Don overhears a plot to destroy the old smelter which workmen are converting into a badly needed power plant for the naval base…effecting a daring escape, Don hurries to the smelter and…

Daring escape?  Seriously?  His stuntman did most of the work, and the guys who were watching him ran off like scared rabbits…that Don couldn’t even manage to hit with bullets from his gun.  (Apparently the folks who write these crawls are watching a different serial.)

Anyway, the smelter chimney falls on top of the shed our hero is occupying and traps him underneath in the rubble.  Running for the safety of their automobile, Scorpion henchies Prindle (Robert Barron), Spike (Ethan Laidlaw) and Corley (Lane Chandler) offer up editorial opinions on their work:

PRINDLE: We certainly bungled that job from every angle…

SPIKE: We smashed the chimney…

PRINDLE: Yes, but we didn’t smash the powerhouse, thanks to Winslow…

CORLEY: He got what’s coming to him—he’s under that pile of bricks…

PRINDLE: We were supposed to take him alive…

“Now let’s get back and break the sad news to Merlin,” Prindle adds as the three of them climb into the car and drive away.  (He sounds a little sarcastic about that “sad news” part.)

Meanwhile, as Don is struggling to free himself from the pile of rubble, his loyal sidekick “Red” Pennington (Walter Sande) pulls up; along with comical Irishman Mike “I am not Michael Axford!” Splendor (Wade Boteler) and John Blake (Ben Taggart).  Red thinks he recognizes a car parked near his as “the car Mercedes said Don used.”  (Check the back bumper—it could be a rental.)

Blake is pleased that the chimley stack didn’t fall on the powerhouse…and Mike comments: “You can bet Don kept that from happenin’.”  And he would be right, in the sense that Winslow threw himself under the falling chimney to protect it.  So the Unholy Three rush over to the wreckage, and are soon joined by some of the smelter workers…who for reasons unexplained seemed to have missed all the previous shenanigans when Prindle and his crew were loading up the chimley with T.N.T.  Inside the rubble, Don is able to grab a brick and tap it against the timbers, beating out a message in Morse code…which Red is able to decipher, and thus he is relieved that Don is okay.  (Morse code, mind you.  Hoo boy.  After Winslow finishes tapping, mind you, he then lapses into unconsciousness.)  So everybody pitches in to dig through the rubble and save the hero of our serial.

Meanwhile…on a road somewhere on Tangita…”brains heavy” Spencer Merlin (John Litel) waits for a report from his subordinates:

MERLIN: Did you destroy the power plant?

PRINDLE: No…we ran into a mix-up with Winslow…he switched the dynamite charge…

Actually, this is kind of a simplification.  When Don entered the chimley where the dynamite was, he started moving the explosives before realizing hey—he could just cut the wires…and that’s when his knife broke.  So when you think about it—as inept as our hero is, the bad guys are even more so.

MERLIN: So…you let him outsmart you again…did you?

PRINDLE: It’s the last time he’ll interfere with us…he’s dead…

“So suck on that, M-22.”

MERLIN: Dead?  How did that happen?

PRINDLE: A falling chimney crushed him…

“Well…that would do it, I guess.”

MERLIN: The Scorpion ordered us to take him alive!

PRINDLE: We couldn’t help what happened…we…

MERLIN (interrupting): I don’t want to hear your alibis now…we’ve got something else to do…we’ve got to rescue Barsac!

PRINDLE: Barsac?  Why, he’s at the listening post!

MERLIN: That’s what you think—that was Winslow you carried to the hut!  He was impersonating Barsac!

PRINDLE: Then…where’s Barsac?

MERLIN: Still at the warehouse dispensary…with only one man guarding him…you follow me…

And you wonder why everybody in that outfit adores Barsac and thinks you’re a dink, Spence.  So we go back to the action at the smelter, with Red trying to pull Don out of the rubble (he says “Come on, boy” at one point, which kind of made me snicker—“What are you, a weakling?”).  Unfortunately for us, he succeeds.

DON: That was a close one, Red…

RED: You’re not kidding!

SPLENDOR: ‘Twas a foine job you did, lad…you saved Blake’s power plant!

BLAKE: You certainly did…how did you do it?

DON: Uh…I’ll tell you all about it in the car on the way back to the warehouse…

“’Cause right now…I could really use some medical attention…before I pass out…” (The correct response would be: “Magic!”)  Blake tells him he can’t go with him because—and this is a direct quote—“I’ve got to clear this debris out of the way.”  So what does he do?  Order the other men to clear the debris out of the way.

Arriving at the warehouse, Red tells Don he’s going to check on Barsac…but when Winslow enters the radio room, he finds papers scattered willy-nilly.  Then he hears Red calling him from the other room—it would appear that Barsac has escaped, and the people responsible trussed up their girlfriends, nurse Mercedes Colby (Claire Dodd) and gal Friday Misty Gaye (Anne Nagel).

DON: Mercedes!  What happened?

MERCEDES: We never had a chance, Don…The Scorpion’s agents took Barsac…

DON: What about Chapman?  Where is he?

Winslow is referring to the radio man, played by Peter Leeds, in what surely must be the most thankless role of his career.  (Though it could be worse—he could suffer the thespic indignities of Dodd and Nagel.)

MISTY: They took him, too!  And I heard one of the men say something about our codes…

DON: Codes?  (He shows them a book he brought in from the radio room) Huh…they’re still here…

Hooray!  Chapman’s life is in danger but we’ve got the freaking codes!  The scene shifts to that familiar elevator inside the Tangita Gold Mine, where this-time-he’s-wide-awake Karl is lowering Merlin, Prindle and the bandaged Barsac (John Holland) down the shaft to the secret entrance of Scorpion, Inc.  As the three men walk by the submarine, Merlin orders two sailors who are standing by to take Barsac to the “hospital room” even though the two of them look quite busy polishing the sub.  (Merlin does not say: “Do this, because I’m about to get my ass chewed by The Scorpion in a sec.”)  They hop to it, because everybody loves Barsac.

Meanwhile, back at the warehouse…

DON: I can’t figure it, Red…they took Chapman…the safe is open…and yet they didn’t touch our code book…

“Or the snacks I left for them out in the kitchen…”

RED: Well, we know their object in coming here was to get Barsac…but why take Chapman along, too?

SPLENDOR: Unless it was to torture the poor lad…

DON: They’ve got some smart trick up their sleeves…you can bet on that!

Winslow cracks me up sometimes.  You kind of get the feeling that if he hit his thumb with a hammer he’d say something like “Oh, snickerdoodles!”  We take you now to another radio room somewhere hidden on Tangita Island, where The Scorpion (Kurt Katch) speaks!

MERLIN: M-22 standing by…

SCORPION (on screen): Go ahead, M-22…

MERLIN: We rescued Barsac from Winslow…he’s here now, but in a critical condition…

SCORPION: Barsac must receive our best medical care…

“I love that man like a son!”

SCORPION: Why hasn’t Winslow been taken prisoner as I ordered?

MERLIN: He’s dead…

SCORPION: Dead?  How did that happen?

MERLIN: He tried to interfere with our agents’ attempts to destroy the power plant at the Navy base…he was killed accidentally…

SCORPION: Did you photograph Winslow’s special codes?

MERLIN: We did!  We also have Chapman, his radio operator, a prisoner…

SCORPION: All right…you have my orders regarding those codes…see that they are obeyed…

Well, that wasn’t so bad.  I thought he’d really be pissed about Winslow accidentally being killed and all.

PRINDLE: Winslow’s death will certainly change the plans of his associates in running down our sabotage…

MERLIN: Yes…you better get to the listening post as quick as you can…we’ve got to find out what those changes are going to be…

A shift in scenery finds Don scurrying around underneath the warehouse (in his Navy whites—tell me that cleaning bill isn’t going to be a problem).  The clever little sod has found the wires that lead to “the listening post” and cut them accordingly (with a better knife, I’m guessing).  He then returns to the warehouse office and instructs Misty to gather up Red, Splendor and the rest of the Scooby gang.

MERCEDES: Did you find the mikes?

DON: Sure…under the floor of the radio room—right where I marked it with that paper…the wires lead off through heavy foliage into the jungle…

MISTY: They probably lead to those huts where you had so much trouble…

You know, the ones I suggested you have shut down a chapter or two back.

DON: Right—one of those huts or both of them is their listening post…

RED: What are we waiting for?  Let’s go over and break ‘em up!

“Red…what have I told you about pacing in this thing?”

DON: No need of that…I cut the wires…right now we’ve got to find Chapman!

SPLENDOR: Sure, they must have taken him to their headquarters…wherever that is…

DON: The first thing for us to do is to get to their listening post and try to capture one of their men and make him talk!  I’ll go on ahead…

“…and get myself trapped in a ludicrous cliffhanger…”

DON: …Red, you and Mike follow…

And Winslow is out the door.  Red scratches his head, puzzled as to how his buddy could have had a “hunch” about the wires in the first place…and that’s when Mercedes informs him that he learned of the post’s existence during his masquerade as Barsac in the last chapter.  (“So he’s really not that clever, Red.”)

Cut to the listening post.  Henchman Spike is outside, fondling a cigarette between his fingers.  (I guess they have a “no smoking” policy inside.)  Prindle approaches the hut, says “hidy” to his pal, and then goes inside where Corley sits at a radio apparatus wearing headphones.  Corley informs his fellow thug that he’s been listening in on the warehouse but no new information has been imparted his way at that time.

Surprise!  Don’s stuntman dry gulches Spike outside the hut when Spike wasn’t looking, and quickly dispatches him with a mighty Navy wallop.  He then drags Spike’s carcass into the jungle and gets back in time to eavesdrop on just what Prindle and Corley are up to.

CORLEY: What’s M-22 going to do with Chapman?

PRINDLE: Take him to headquarters where we can force information out of him…you and Spike wait here…

That’s Don cue to kick in the door of the hut and enter with his gun a-drawn.  Prindle’s reaction is pretty hooty: “Winslow!”  (This is to be expected, since he thought he was dead and all.)

“Surprised to see me alive, aren’t ya?  All right…out!” snarls Don—I only wish he had spiced this up with something like “you scurrilous curs!”  As Prindle and Corley start to shuffle outside, Corley makes his move and tackles Don’s stuntman.  A badly choreographed fight ensues.

Just when it looks its darkest for Donny, a shot rings out—and Red and Mike are shown merely a few yards away to help out their friend.  As they come running up, Corley and Prindle go running through the tall weeds…but when Red starts to go after them Don shouts at him: “Don’t follow them!”  (“Pacing, you idiot!”)

RED: Why didn’t you let us go after them?

DON: We’ve got to get Chapman…I found out where they’re holding him…where’s the car?

SPLENDOR: Sure, and Blake has it…he’s waitin’ for us back at the end of the trail…

DON: Well, let’s get back there—we haven’t any time to lose!

Don has learned that the villains are holding Chapman captive at “the old sea mill,” and he instructs Blake to take them there since the construction owner knows where it is.  So they arrive at their destination, and the usual clichés about “we may be walking into a trap” are trotted out before Don and Red decide to go inside and investigate.

This gentleman here has been watching our heroes intently…though it might be because he’s afraid they’ll toss a bag of trash out of their car.  Yes, it’s none other than Iron Eyes Cody—a character thesp who appeared in close to 200 films, mostly in Native American roles…though he was in reality born Espera Oscar de Corti, of Italian ancestry.  (The trash joke is a reference to Cody’s best-known role as the “crying Indian” from a popular public service announcement telecast in the 1970s…in which William Conrad, The Man of a Thousand Voice proclaims: “People start pollution…people can stop it.”)

Inside the mill where Chapman is held captive, Prindle is trying to assuage the fears of some Scorpion goon named Pat (William Desmond) who’s worried that Don is going “is liable to bring a mob to the rescue.”  Prindle shrugs this off by saying, “Winslow doesn’t work that way.”  (“He’s pacing himself.”)  Iron Eyes enters the mill and tells Prindle that Don and Red are headed that way.  “With Chapman as bait, we can follow up on The Scorpion’s orders and capture Winslow alive.”  (“So whatever you do…don’t kill him!”)

Don and Red enter the mill while several more nameless henchies in The Scorpion’s employ arrange to leave a trap door wiiiiide open so that our heroes can see that Chapman is tied up and being held captive in some sort of fruit cellar.  The high point of hilarity occurs when Don tells Red, “See where that door leads.”  (“While I film from the safety of the van.”)

With their guard let down, Spike and Prindle come up on our heroes’ blind side and are told to drop their guns.  “Since you’re so curious,” sneers Prindle, “why don’t you go in and take a look?”  The henchmen force Red and Don to go through the door, where the other goons are standing around the open trap door.

PRINDLE: Take a look through the trap door, Winslow…we have one of your friends down there…

Without warning, Don hollers out “Red!”  Which cues another bad fist fight with poorly matched stuntmen…and when it’s over, both Navy men are knocked unconscious.  (Okay—granted they were kind of outnumbered…but how did those two slobs get into the service in the first place in such flabby condition?)

The bad guys toss Don into the fruit cellar with Chapman, while the unconscious form of Red Pennington is taken “out to the old canal chute.”  As two barbell boys carry Red out, Splendor and Blake have caught up to their buddies and wait for the right moment outside the mill.  Then they commence firing.  The henchies soon drop Red and head for cover.

Inside the fruit cellar, Don quickly helps Seaman Chapman out of his ropes…

CHAPMAN: It’s lucky you found me, Commander…one of The Scorpion’s men photographed our code books and they have the film here somewhere!

DON: We’ve got to get that film back at any cost!

Don and Chapman start to look for a way out of the cellar while the shooting continues up above.  Don finds what he thinks to be a ventilator, and a lever nearby…thinking that the lever will open it, the two men pull the lever…

…and release a torrent of H2O into the cellar.  Nice work, guys!

You know…I have a hunch that that’s that “old canal chute” they were referring to earlier…