Thrilling Days of Yesteryear: Almost the Truth—The Lawyer's Cut

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Mayberry Mondays Tuesdays #73: “Alice and the Professor” (02/22/71, prod. no. 0318)

Ivan’s note: Yeah, I have to dole out apologies for not having this done yesterday…there’s been some pretty amazing things happening around Rancho Yesteryear within the past week or two, which I hope to be able to talk about in greater detail within a day or two.  But until that time…

The twelfth episode of Mayberry R.F.D.’s third season—what we would call here on the blog Mayberry Mondays #64—has Jones family housekeeper Cousin Alice (Alice Ghostley) purchasing the titular musical instrument in “The Harp” and deciding to learn how to play only because the writers were phoning in the script that week—not nearly creative enough to think of a storyline in which Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster) is eaten by a bear.  The instructor who helps Alice overcome her fear of harping (if that’s what you can call it) and receive much applause at a later recital, is played by character great Leonid Kinskey, whose character is identified as “Professor Radetzky.”

In this follow-up episode (Seriously?  There were people wanting a second appearance from this guy?), we learn that Radetzky has a first name…but we’re not going to reveal it just yet.  Instead, we will open this week’s episode with a scene at the Jones family kitchen table: poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones and pedantic county clerk Howard Sprague are poring through some rather large record books that according to Sam contain property lists.  This is the sort of sh*t that Howard lives for, but the two have no sooner started digging into their pile of work when he’s distracted by the sound of someone playing the scales on a harp from the living room.

SAM: Oh…that’s…that’s Alice…she’s taking her harp lesson from Professor Radetzky…
HOWARD: Oh!  Good for her!  Glad to hear she’s still wooing the stringed muse…heh heh heh…

Gol darnit, Mr. Sprague…you use your tongue purtier than a twenty-dollar whore.  Howard and Sam continue with their work when Howard hears a pleasant strumming of the instrument and remarks: “She’s doing splendidly!”

“Uh…no, that’s the professor,” Sam explains, which is then followed by the sound of someone trying to pluck the harp with a rake.  “Now…that’s Alice,” he continues.

ALICE: How’s that, Professor?
RADETZKY (with a heavy sigh): Without suffering…there is no art…
ALICE: Well, there’s still a little room for improvement…huh?
RADETZKY: It will come, it will come, it will come…now—let us try the Brahms…
ALICE: Oh, Brahms…he always scares me…
RADETZKY: Go go go…courage!

Alice starts to practice the piece, but it would appear she’s not the only one frightened by Brahms…after hearing her torture Brahms’ Lullaby, Howard gives up and tells Sam he’ll just take the records down to his office so he can get some work done.  “I thought you were a music lover?” Sam asks his friend.

“Would that I were not,” returns Howard, and Dodson’s delivery of this confirms my long-held belief that there’s a laugh-out-loud moment in every episode.  So Sam offers to help Howard carry the books of records out to his car, remarking “It’s a shame you weren’t here last week…they were playing The Happy Farmer.”


Alice finishes mangling the Lullaby, and she looks over to see Radetzky bent over the back of the couch, as if he were getting ready to retch.  “I wasn’t good again, was I?” she asks him.  But he explains that one cannot enjoy Brahms “on an empty stomach.”

ALICE: Oh, that’s right!  It is getting near lunchtime, isn’t it?
RADETZKY: You see—with my busy schedule—I often miss my breakfast
ALICE: Why, you poor man—let me fix you something…
RADETZKY: No no no dear lady…no no no…absolutely not…uh…nothing left…
ALICE: Let me see what we have in the refrigerator…

The Prof attacks that fridge like it was after midnight at a frat party—chicken, potato salad, a jar of pickles, cold cuts and a blueberry pie.  We do not see him enjoying his nosh (apparently a syndication-mandated wipe); instead the scene cuts to Alice finishing another piece on the harp, and Radetzky applauding with great encouragement.

ALICE: Was I better?
RADETZKY: Absolutely!  And the thumbs…they were magnificent!  Especially this one… (He reaches for her hand and kisses it)
ALICE (embarrassed): Oh…Professor!

Here it comes…the moment you’ve been waiting for…

RADETZKY: Call me Wolfgang
ALICE: Well…you know…I really did feel better about it this time…I really did…
RADETZKY: You were marvelous!  Especially with so much on your mind…it’s being so near dinnertime

I’m starting to suspect that Maison la Jones is Wolfie’s favorite place to eat.  Generous portions, and at ridiculously low prices.  Alice invites him to stay for the early bird special, admitting that she was counting on it—but Radetzky declines.  “My dinner is waiting—and you know how macaroni is once it’s thawed out.”

ALICE: Frozen macaroni?  That’s your dinner?
RADETZKY: Well…it’s Wednesday, isn’t it?


The two are interrupted by the arrival of the Master of the House, Laird Samuel himself, who is clearly carrying (judging by the pink box) something home from Boysinger’s Bakery…the place of employment for his best girl, Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka).  (By the way—last Wednesday, January 23, was Ms. Golonka’s 77th natal anniversary…and I wished her many happy returns of the day on Facebook, along with a link to the zaniness that I do here every Monday.  I have not received a response…but then again, I also haven’t received a letter or phone call from her attorney, so I consider this a win-win.)  Anyway, Sam’s sudden entrance startles both Alice and Wolfgang in the same manner as one might walk in on a couple of teenagers exploring one another for non-scientific reasons, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

ALICE: I, uh, I was just trying to persuade the Professor to stay for dinner…
SAM: Oh really? Well…sure…by all means…do join us…we’d love to have you—as a matter of fact, look what I have here… (He holds up the box) Blueberry pie!

“Son of a…I had that for lunch…”  No, the fact that there will be pie for dessert clinches the deal—“I’m helpless,” Radetzky admits coyly.

Sam tells Alice he’ll just put the pie in the kitchen but she insists on going in with him to find a place for the dessert…and once he’s crossed the threshold he finds out why—Alice has apparently been hard at work preparing a regular banquet.  Observe:


Duck a la Alice!  Duh-rool, duh-rool!

ALICE: Well…I thought it might be nice for a change…
SAM: Uh…Alice, this, uh, inviting the Professor to dinner wasn’t exactly a spur-of-the-moment idea, was it?
ALICE: Well, maybe not… (Sighing) It was something he said yesterday about the kitchen…he said “It’s the heart and soul of the home”…heh…
SAM: Ah…
ALICE: Isn’t that beautiful?
SAM: Well, uh, I’ve never heard it put quite that way before…but…it is kind of old-worldly, and…romantic
ALICE: I think so…

“It’s been so long, Sam…”  Alice suggests to her cousin that while she putters around to prepare the splendid repast, he should go out and talk with Wolfgang…maybe he’ll even entertain him with a selection on the harp.

“Maybe I’ll have him play The Happy Farmer,” jokes Sam.  “I’ve never heard that all the way through.”

Sam, Wolfie and Idiot Boy are seated at the dinner table when Alice appears at the kitchen door and asks Sam if he’ll light the candles on the table.  Our hero is taking a real chance on this, because one of them is right in front of his cretinous son and that’s just asking for trouble.  Alice then enters the dining room carrying a tray with four servings on it.

RADETZKY: Ah…scampi!
MIKE: I got shrimp!
SAM: It’s the same thing, Mike…

“I like cheese!”  Wolfgang politely holds the chair out for Alice, and the four of them sit down.  At the end of the meal…


RADETZKY: Mm mm mm mm…magnificent repast, my dear lady…
SAM: Yes, it was…just excellent, Alice
MIKE: Boy—that’s the best meal I ever had on a weekday!  You’re a swell cook, Cousin Alice!

When Alice first came on this show (“The New Housekeeper”) she couldn’t even bake a cake.  Now suddenly she’s the Barefoot Freaking Contessa.

SAM: Not bad for a sergeant!
RADETZKY: Hmm?  Sergeant?
SAM: Yes—didn’t you know?  Alice had quite a career in the WACs…we are now dining with Alice B. Cooper, Sergeant, United States Army, retired…
MIKE: Yeah!  She gets a check from ‘em every month!  Just for doin’ nothin’!

“Come to think of it…so does my Pa!”

RADETZKY: Really?  Hmm…it’s very interesting…what a wonderful custom!
ALICE: Well, it does come in handy…
RADETZKY: Sergeant…you must allow me to reciprocate for this wonderful meal…
ALICE: Oh…no…that isn’t necessary…
RADETZKY: But it is!  Tomorrow I shall take you on most glorious picnic in the country…
SAM: Hey!  That sounds nice, Alice
RADETZKY: I know exactly the spot…a wooded glade…by the babbling brook…with nothing but sky above us…
ALICE: Oh…how romantic!
RADETZKY: As for the food…bring whatever you like…

Sam does a take at this, and then there’s a dissolve to the council office, where Howard is trying to catch up on the latest gossip since he’s apparently finished his work for the day.  The non-presence of gas pump jockey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and fix-it savant Emmett Clark goes unexplained in this episode, unless there’s a nearby idiot convention in Siler City.


HOWARD: How’s, uh, Alice coming with her harp lessons?
SAM: Well, she’s, uh, certainly seeing a lot of her professor
HOWARD: You’re not hinting that there’s a romance in the offing, are you?
SAM: Well…I don’t know about that, but they are on a picnic…

Enter the always delightful Millie, who asks “Who’s going on a picnic?” since she’s walked in on the tail end of the conversation.

SAM: Uh…Alice and the professor…they’re going on a picnic…
MILLIE: Oh!  How romantic…
SAM: Yeah, I’ll say it’s romantic—she worked all morning getting the food ready…
MILLIE: I think it’s sweet…even if there is a difference in their ages…

People just can’t get over that stigma of women dating younger men.

SAM: What’s that got to do with it?
MILLIE: Well, when she’s 45…he’ll be… (She shrugs, and opens a paper bag containing her lunch)

Boinking an eighteen-year-old.

SAM: Millie…Millie, look…cold cuts and potato salad up at Myers’ Lake do not necessarily add up to wedding bells
HOWARD: I don’t know, Sam…

“Cold cuts are widely known throughout the world for their aphrodisiac qualities…”

HOWARD: …never underestimate the persuasiveness of the European male…it’s a well-known fact that Rochambeau, the artist?  He married his grandson’s girlfriend at the age of 93…

“…and he ate a lot of cold cuts!”  Sam pooh-poohs all this talk of romance—he’s convinced that it’s nothing more than the usual teacher-pupil relationship, except that the teacher, rather than making lesson plans, is eating him out of house and home.  Millie thinks it would be wonderful if they hit it off together, and Sam admonishes her for trying to make them an item.


“Mmm…I don’t know, Sam,” interjects Howard.  “I’m inclined to go along with Millie.”  (Suck-up.)  “Vive l’amour!” he adds, with a hound dog grin.  (“Tish!  You spoke French!”)

Back at the Jones Ranch, Sam is perusing a note left by Cousin Alice for him in the kitchen.  It would seem that she and Wolfgang have gone to Mt. Pilot to see Blossoms in the Dust (1941) and— not to put too fine a point on it—he and the moron kid are on their own.

SAM: You mean they came home from the picnic and took off again?
MIKE: Uh-huh…and they were laughing a lot…and Cousin Alice’s cheeks were red…and they didn’t even go near the harp…
SAM: Oh, really?
MIKE: Uh-huh…and…they asked me to go with them…but I could tell they didn’t really mean it…

“Because when I came back downstairs after getting my jacket…they weren’t here…and neither was the car.”  So it looks like it will cold roast duck for Jones pere et fils.  “Think we can handle it without the candles?” Sam asks Mike.

“Sure, Pa,” is his response.  (“Fire bad!”)  A dissolve finds Sam sitting in repose in his chair, reading Tropic of Cancer when he hears a car door slam outside and Alice’s voice as the two of them head toward the house.  As Sam heads for the front door, we then hear her say, “Oh, Wolfgang!” and suddenly everyone watching this episode has never wanted a front door to be shut tightly in all their lives.  But Sam insists on opening the door, and in spill Alice and Wolfie, looking a bit guilty.

SAM: Did—did you have a nice time?
ALICE: Oh, yes…Wolfie and I had a marvelous evening…
SAM: Oh, good!  Good…I…was, uh, I was just reading here…I wasn’t waiting up or anything…
ALICE: I should hope not…
SAM: No!  (After an uncomfortable pause) Well…how was the movie?  I heard you went clear to Mt. Pilot
ALICE: Yes, uh, Wolfie knows the manager over there personally
RADETZKY: I give his daughter lessons and…he gives me passes

He’s like a barter gigolo.  Well, this awkward moment could probably last the rest of the sitcom, so Sam starts doing some faux yawning (a chuckleworthy moment) and announces he should probably get to bed.  Alice then tells him that she and the Professor are going to grab a midnight snack, and she says to him: “You don’t care for anything, do you, Sam?”

Sam stops for a moment because he could do with a nosh…and then sees Alice looking at him in the same way she was probably staring down Mike earlier.  Sam says no thank you, and Alice and the professor head out to the kitchen to do it on the kitchen table.

No!  I mean…sorry to plant that into your heads, friends and neighbors.  But we do go to a commercial, and when we return from paying the bills with Sanka and Grape Nuts, we find Sam exiting the kitchen just as Alice is coming downstairs carrying a dress on a hanger.

SAM: Alice…Alice, could I talk to you for a minute…please?
ALICE: Of course!
SAM: Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s about…Professor Radetzky…
ALICE: Oh, yes…Wolfgang…
SAM: Yeah…
ALICE: Don’t you just love that name?
SAM: Yeah…
ALICE: It’s so continental…he was here, today, for another harp lesson…
SAM: Oh?
ALICE: Yes…just before lunch
SAM: Yeah…oh?  Yeah…
ALICE: He’s been giving me a little…personal attention…

Oh, Alice.  We would have been so much better off not knowing that.

SAM: Yeah…you have been seeing…quite a lot of each other, haven’t you?
ALICE: And do you know what?  Today he asked me for our first real date—he’s taking me out to dinner!
SAM (slightly surprised): He is?
ALICE: Yes…Saturday night…that’s the reason for this… (She holds up the dress)
SAM: Oh…well…uh…
ALICE: You know, Sam…it’s so silly, but…I’m so excited

“It’s been so long, Sam…”  Alice tells Sam that Wolfie has suggested he and Millie go with them, as in a double date.

SAM: …I’m sure Millie would get a kick out of that…
ALICE: Oh, good…good…I told the Professor that you’d call and confirm it…
SAM: Yeah…okay…I’ll do that…
ALICE: He left his number right over there by the phone…
SAM: Well…uh…huh…boy, you really are excited about this, aren’t you?

“Perhaps I’m not making this clear to you, Sam…it’s been so long.”  Alice’s giddiness about the large hunk of stud muffin that is Radetzky is explained in a statement she makes to Sam: “Wolfie just—what is that phrase they use?  Uh…turns me on!”  All we need now is Jo Anne Worley telling him to “ring my chimes” and we won’t be able to think about eating for a year.

So Sam phones Radetzky at his seedy boarding house, and he answers the pay phone wearing his usual bathrobe—does the guy sleep during the day, or what?  The two of them discuss the fact that the only place to take both of their lady loves is Morelli’s, which Sam remarks “it’s about the best restaurant around here”—I’m sure the folks running the Mayberry Diner looked up and yelled “Hey!” when they heard that crack.

“One thing, Mr. Jones,” Radetzky says just before he hangs up.  “I insist—next time it will be my treat.”  (Okay, I did laugh at this.)


So we dissolve to a scene of dining and dancing at the world famous Morelli’s restaurant…and it’s a little hard to tell from the above screen cap but there are several rather large barrels of wine decorating the place in the background with the words “Morelli’s Choice Wines” and “Morelli’s Vineyards.”  What I want to know is—has this always been a Morelli’s tradition?  In a second season episode, “Saving Morelli’s,” Sam must dance like a scarecrow to keep the restaurant afloat (Mr. M is losing business) but you can’t tell me a joint making its own spirits would have trouble attracting customers. (Besides, Mayberry has always struck me as a dry county, given the amount of shine that was brewed there when Andy Taylor was sheriff.)

ALICE: I want to thank you, Wolfgang…that dinner was marvelous
RADETZKY: Oh… (He gives her an “it was nothing” wave)
SAM: How do you like Morelli’s, Professor?
RADETZKY: Oh…how could I not like it?

“You’re taking care of the check…remember?”

RADETZKY: Good food…music… (He takes Alice’s hand and kisses it) And the charming companionship…

“Plus I won’t have to wash dishes this time around, so…”

Somebody goes a little wild with the jukebox and starts playing a sprightly polka…and Radetzky asks Alice to dance.  But she declines, telling him: “I think that’s a little too stirring.”  Fortunately, Millie is game enough to go out on the dance floor, and as the two of them shake a tail feather, I am reminded of village idiot Goober’s talent for dancing as if he were an epileptic trying to tamp down a brush fire.

A quick optical wipe later, and Millie and the Professor are back at the table.

RADETZKY: But now…I have a surprise for you…

“I’m really going to pick up the check…”

RADETZKY: This afternoon I brought Mr. Morelli a very special record…a waltz…composed many years ago…by Wolfgang Radetzky…
MILLIE: Oh!!!
ALICE: By you?
RADETZKY: Yes…and I asked Mr. Morelli…to do me a favor and put it on his jukebox…
MILLIE: Oh!  I’m dying to hear it!
SAM: Yeah!  Me too!
RADETZKY: I was hoping you would… (He stands up and fumbles through his pockets) Uh…does anybody have a quarter?

Millie starts to reach for her purse but Sam waves her off—well, why not…he’s paying for this shindig; he might as well kick in for the music as well.  Morelli takes the coin from Sam and then coming back from the jukebox, tells Alice “This dance must be ours.”  The couple get out on the dance floor and boogie like rock stars.

MILLIE: See?  What did I tell you?  Is that romance or isn’t it?
SAM (resignedly): That’s romance…

Hot cookies, Agnes!  It looks like we’ll be getting a new character on the show—I can see it now…Wolfie helping Goober out at the service station because the harp lesson gigs have dried up…Wolfie and Howard discussing classical music and putting everyone to sleep…Emmett distrusting the Professor because “I ain’t exactly sure where that guy comes from!”  This will be just the creative kick in the pants this show needs!

There is then a dissolve to the council office.

SAM: Well…I have to admit—they made a very handsome couple out there on the floor…
HOWARD: Yeah…I heard all about it—it’s the talk of the town!

Seriously.  You people need to get a life.

MILLIE: You should have seen Alice…ah, she glowed

A couple bottles of Morelli’s sparkling burgundy will have that effect on a gal.

HOWARD: Those old world charmers certainly know how to treat a woman, all right…well, it was nice of the Professor to take you all to dinner…
SAM: Oh, don’t kid yourself—that “old world charm” maneuvered me into picking up the check…

Millie has no more time to stand around looking adorable—she has to get back to the old salt lick, so she gives Sam a peck and tells him “Keep me posted!” as she heads out the door.  (Though with the news of Alice and Wolfie being “the talk of the town” she’ll probably get a bulletin before she’s back behind the register.)  The conversation between Sam and Howard is interrupted by a phone call—Radetzky is on the other end, and after talking with him for a few Sam hangs up, perplexed.

HOWARD: What is it, Sam?
SAM (after a pause and a sigh): The Professor wants to have a little talk with me…in private
HOWARD (grinning): Uh oh…I’ll bet it’s about Alice!
SAM: Howard…you don’t suppose…
HOWARD: Yes!  Of course!  He’s going to ask for her hand in marriage!


“And Goober, Emmett and I will be bridesmaids!”  Sam is completely taken aback by this.  (Not the bridesmaids part—that I made up.)

SAM: Well…what am I supposed to say?
HOWARD: Well…what a father would say if somebody asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage…
SAM: Oh, Howard…
HOWARD: Yes!  You’ve got to ask about his family background and his prospects…and of course, his bank account…

That shouldn’t take too long.  Sam doesn’t want to get dragged into this, but Howard tells him that he is the head of the family.  “Oh, and one thing more,” his friend says as he starts out the door (presumably to run up the street and gossip all this with Millie), “You’d better be prepared to come up with a huge, sizable dowry.”

So Sam arrives back at stately Jones Manor through the back entrance in the kitchen, and Alice tells him that Radetzky is waiting for him in the living room.  Sam is just sick about having to do this…probably because there’s a possibility he’s going to also have to have a talk with Wolfie about where babies come from.

SAM: Look…Alice…before I talk to him I…I want to know…how do you feel about this thing?
ALICE: Well, Sam…he is a lovely man…we do enjoy each other’s company…and…we have common interests in music…and he did teach me to play The Happy Farmer all the way through…but…Sam…I don’t want to marry him…

“Last night when I went back to his place…I figured out why it had been so long.”  Sam is relieved about this turn of events, and tells Alice that all she has to do is kick Wolfgang to the curb.  But she wants him to do it—she “just couldn’t find the words.”  She also butters up her cousin by telling him that “you know that you’re awfully good at this sort of thing”—but having sat through seventy-two episodes of this nonsense, we know a pile of road apples when we see it.  Sam has little choice in the matter because Alice keeps shoving him toward the door leading to the living room.

Sam goes out to the living room and meets with Radetzky.  He tells him that he’s guessing the Prof wants to talk about Alice, a gal Wolfie describes as “a woman of infinite charm and grace.”  Sam stammers a bit and finally manages to blurt out the word “marriage”…but it would appear that the eminent Professor Radetzky has his own views on that subject:

RADETZKY: About marriage, Mr. Jones…I, also, have very strong feelings…marriage is an admirable institution

Please take note that I refrained from making the obvious joke.

RADETZKY: Because of my attention to…Miss Cooper…no doubt that she is such a mind…
SAM: Yes…well…uh…
RADETZKY: But, alas—it is not for Wolfgang Radetzky…
SAM: Not for you?
RADETZKY: I’m an artist…a free soul…soaring on the wings of music…these wings cannot be clipped
SAM: Now…wait a minute…Professor…I want to get this straight…you…you don’t want to marry Alice?
RADETZKY: It will break her heart, but…this is the meaning…and Mr. Jones…would you please covey this message to the dear, dear lady…?

“And that message is—‘Why pay for the cow when I can get the milk for free?’”  Well, it looks like Cousin Alice dodged a bullet on that one.  As Radetzky is getting ready to run like a jackrabbit from the house, he asks Sam to let Alice down easy…and to also impart this bit of advice: “Thumbs up…fingers down.”  (You can make your own joke here.)


Alice emerges from the kitchen, allowing Sam to tell her that any more mention of marriage to that freeloading bum is just crazy talk.  She tells him “I knew you could do it,” and he replies rather smugly: “Yes…I do handle these things rather well.”  (I wasn’t exaggerating about how bad this was—was I?)

Brief coda to this one because I’m anxious to get a shower and remove any lingering traces of this episode from my body.  Alice and Sam are in the living room; she plays the harp and they both sing Those Endearing Young Charms…because Dish TV has not been invented yet.  Then Idiot Boy emerges from his boy cave and lighting a cigarette lighter, shouts “Freebird!”

No…I’m making that last part up again.


MIKE: That was great, you guys!  Why don’t you play some more!
ALICE: Do you really want to hear another one?
MIKE: Sure!  (He grabs a chair and sits down beside them)
ALICE: Well!
SAM: Really, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah!  Besides…it beats doing homework!

Get it?  Because the kid’s a moron!  Oh, R.F.D.—you’re fearless when it comes to bringing the comedy.

Well, except for a few minor bruises and contusions I got through that one okay…five more of these and soon I’ll be on the bus, looking to see if my best gal tied a bunch of yellow ribbons around the ol’ oak tree or if she’s bumping uglies with my best friend.  As I said last week—the only thing really amusing about this outing is the title, which is sort of a play on Nanny and the Professor, the hit ABC comedy starring Juliet Mills and Richard Long that didn’t have much longer to live, either (it was yanked from the schedule in December).  But since Cousin Alice is in this one, that makes a total of eleven appearances in the third and final season of Mayberry R.F.D., thanks to the tabulations from the handy-dandy Thrilling Days of Yesteryear Alice-o-Meter™.

Speaking of the Alice-o-Meter™…I’m going to have to put this up on eBay soon…but until that time, next week we’ll have (hopefully, if I’m not swamped) the last really worthwhile R.F.D. episode, “Howard, the Swinger,” which includes a return appearance from a lovely lady in a previous episode.  And then…it’s downhill from there, folks.  So join us when you can, won’t you?

3 comments:

  1. Man. Sam doesn't work his own farm, Sam doesn't have to do anything to resolve the plot problem of the day... I think the real reason he missed the Return to Mayberry reunion is either because he moved to scenic Mt. Pilot and refused to budge from his front porch, or all that inactivity eventually put him in a coma.

    The whole plot is also kind of a poorman's version of similar Aunt Bee episodes with guest stars Wallace Ford ("Aunt Bee's Romance") and Edgar Buchanan ("Aunt Bee's Brief Encounter"). I suppose had RFD lasted, we might have had "Cousin Alice's Affair to Remember."

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  2. Oh, Wolfgang!

    One of the worst sitcom sins is the episode where nothing matters, and this is one of those kinds of episodes. Sure, sitcoms often end with no net change in the characters or story lines. It's the episodes where almost literally nothing happens; here, Alice dates Wolferl a couple times, they don't get serious, end of show. The worry that he is a freeloader means nothing, the worry of heartbreak never occurs. Nothing. Just nothing.

    You continue to be a brave man for watching these... and Don Winslow at the same time, the series I plan to catch up on ASAP.

    P.S. LOLing forever at this:

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8qzY1epH28A/UQiC9GK66NI/AAAAAAAAeWI/lr0P2rJXmME/s1600/professor10.jpg

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  3. Alice and Sam are in the living room; she plays the harp and they both sing Those Endearing Young Charms

    And the harp didn't explode when she plucked the high note at the end of the first line?

    Where is Yosemite Sam when ya need him...

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