Doris Day(s) #2: “The Uniform” (10/01/68, prod. no #8511)

Welcome back to Thrilling Days of Yesteryear’s new weekly Monday feature, Doris Day(s)!  Though I have to say…I notice there aren’t quite as many of you here as there were last week.  (I also have to say I’m not too terribly surprised by that.)

In culling some information from the always reliable IMDb, he said sarcastically, I came across something of interest.  The cumulative rating for The Doris Day Show—the average of all the IMDb users who take copious amounts of time out of their day to tell complete strangers how much they like a certain movie or TV show—is 7.0.  Here’s the thing: Mayberry, R.F.D. is 5.8.  Now…seriously, IMDb people; you cannot convince me that The Doris Day Show is a better TV program than Mayberry R.F.D.  That’s just crazy talk; I watched some episodes from the third season last night and ended up curled in a fetus position, because I’m dreading having to watch them again for the later write-ups.  So I’m thinking: maybe R.F.D.’s cumulative rating is so low because people got a large taste of it here on the blog.  (Hopefully I can do the same for Dodo.)

This week’s episode starts with The Widow Martin and faithful housekeeper Aggie Thompson (Fran Ryan) making the beds in the boys’ room.  I don’t completely understand why Doris needs a maid if she’s around to do most of the housework herself…though you could argue, I suppose, that the maintenance of Rancho Webb is a large enough chore to require the attention of two people.  We find them engaged in conversation:

AGGIE: Yeah…well…they better pick him…that’s all I have to say…

DORIS: Will you relax?  If he’s good enough, he’ll make it!

AGGIE: “If he’s good enough”—what do you mean, “If he’s good enough?”  Do you know anybody his age who’s better?  If he doesn’t get it, by golly…

DORIS: I’m on your side, remember?  (Giggling)

AGGIE: Ah, well…

DORIS: You nut…

Doris!  You watch your phraseology!  What Dor and her maid are talking about is Doris’ oldest son, Billy (Philip Brown)…who will learn today as to whether he’s a member of the little league baseball team or whether his mom’s naming him “Billy Martin” will be a cruel joke that will plague him the rest of his life.  Well, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer…

He made the team!  (Crowd goes wild)  Yes, Billy is the pitcher and he’s being congratulated by his grandfather, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), and the Webb Farm ranch hand, Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton).

DORIS (running downstairs): Billy…you made it!

BUCK: Of course he made it!  He’s my grandson, ain’t he?

Remind me to have a talk with Buck later on after the blog.

BILLY: I’m the pitcher!

DORIS (hugging him): Oh!  I’m so proud of you!

LEROY: You ought to see him throw that fast ball… (Makes throwing sound) Strike!

There is one member of Doris’ family who could give a rat’s ass that Billy is on the ball club…and that is Doris’ youngest son, Toby (Tod Starke).  Younger children often suffer when attention is diverted to the eldest in the family, even though they themselves enjoy a favored child status because of their youth.  Toby should be glad that he doesn’t have a younger brother; otherwise he’d always feel persecuted as the middle child…if what my sister Kat has been pissing and moaning about for over forty years has any merit.

Awww…poor little guy.  While the rest of the family enthusiastically runs outside to see Billy do his pitching thing, Toby holds his mother back and she instinctively knows that something is wrong.  “Hey,” she tells him, “why don’t you and I make some lemonade for everybody—would you like that?”

As he follows his mother into the kitchen, two things are weighing on Toby’s mind: first, how much weed killer could he slip into his brother’s lemonade in order to make certain the deed was done yet allow him to escape detection…and the other involves dazzling Doris with his own school accomplishments in order to make her forget about Billy.

TOBY: Mom?

DORIS: What, darling?

TOBY: I’m gettin’ an ‘A’ in spelling…

DORIS: Toby, that’s good!  See how that extra work paid off?

TOBY (as they go into the kitchen): Mom?

DORIS: What?

TOBY: I’m gettin’ another gold star for attendance…

DORIS: You are?  Boy, you’re going to have a whole book full soon!  Good boy!

You might have to skip to the main event, Tobe…eat a bug in front of her.

TOBY: Mom?

DORIS: What?

TOBY: I’m gettin’ a uniform, too!

DORIS: You are?  For what?

TOBY: I’m going to be in the school choir…

DORIS: Toby!  That’s terrific!  Won’t that be fun?

TOBY: Of course…it’s not going to be a real uniform like Billy’s…

Well, no…it’s more like a dress, when you get right down to it.  But I think Doris has steeled herself for that eventuality.

DORIS: Well, a uniform isn’t important—the important thing is you made the choir!  And you made it on your own…boy, am I proud of you… (She hugs him)

The scene then shifts to the institution of higher learning attended by young Master Tobias.  I skipped ahead a little to this screen cap because I wanted to compare and contrast the size of Toby with the other children in his class.  We can surmise that because of Toby’s small stature he will need to get used to seeing his undergarments swaying in the breeze from the school flagpole on a regular basis—it’s as if he’s in the wrong class.  Though you could argue that he’s in the right class and the explanation for the other kids being bigger is that they’ve been held back.  (Either way, his undies are going to be up that flagpole daily.)

Toby’s teacher is played by one of the true movie and TV character greats, the soft-spoken Woodrow Parfrey—which, as I mentioned in the introductory post on The Doris Day Show, is the closest we’ll come to a Howard Sprague character in the early years of this sitcom.  (You’ll remember that Parfrey was in two R.F.D. episodes: “An Efficient Gas Station” and “Goober’s Brother”…in which he played the titular role.) Here he plays Maxwell Digby; he’ll reprise that role twice more on the Day show and then play a completely different character in Season 2.  Parfrey’s film credits include Planet of the Apes, Madigan, Dirty Harry, Charley Varrick, Papillon and The Outlaw Josey Wales.  (Here at Rancho Yesteryear we remember him best for two roles: as one of the irritated tobacco company executives in Cold Turkey, and as the harried student driving instructor in Used Cars.)

DIGBY: Now…straighten up in your chairs…and everyone give me your attention…

Parfrey pronounces this last word as “atten-SHUN!”  That made me smile.

DIGBY: Yes…now…before we start…I want all of you to know something…we have only twelve places open for singers…twelve…now…I don’t want any of you who doesn’t make the choir to be disappointed…because…after all…we need an audience just as much as we need performers… (He smiles)

Digby calls the first child up, who answers to “Ben Spring.”  The IMDb and closing credits identify him as Scott Crawford…but the IMDb reveals this to be his only TV gig.  (And since we’ll get better acquainted with him later on in the episode, his somewhat stilted acting will demonstrate why so few casting directors were returning his calls.)  Ben stands up before the class and sings a few snatches of Oh, Susanna…and while he’s not the worst singer I’ve ever heard he shouldn’t be making plans to audition for American Idol any time soon.  Be that as it may, Digby tells him to go on over and grab a robe.

It’s now Toby’s turn.  His rendition of the same song makes Ben sound like Sinatra, particularly since Toby (as my music teacher once memorably remarked to me) has a tenor voice: he sings ten or twelve notes off-key.  Mr. Digby has the unenviable responsibility of telling this kid he stinks to high heaven.

DIGBY: Toby…I’d like to talk to you…

TOBY: Don’t you want me to get my uniform first?

DIGBY (after a pause): Uh…come over here a minute, will you?  (Toby goes over to his desk) It’s a fact…uh…that nobody can be the best in everything…you know that, don’t you?

TOBY: Uh-huh…

DIGBY: Uh-huh…and…uh…in this case…

“You’re not the best…at anything…”

DIGBY: …some of the children sing better than you do…

TOBY: Oh, that’s all right…I won’t sing very loud…

DIGBY: I’m afraid that won’t do, Toby…you see…there are only twelve places…and it wouldn’t be fair to the other children if we didn’t pick the best…

TOBY: You mean…I can’t belong to the choir?

DIGBY: I’m sorry…

Poor, dejected Toby slowly walks out of the classroom as the next contestant auditioning for Cotina Idol is called.  A scene shift then finds Grandpa Buck in the kitchen, scarfing down some chocolate chip cookies with a milk chaser…and one thing I’ve noticed throughout this series is that Doris and whoever happens to be working for her (be it Aggie or Juanita) bake cookies, cakes, pies and donuts to the point where you’d think they were the number one supplier for Boysinger’s Bakery.  (No wonder those damn kids are so hyperactive—they’re on a permanent sugar high.)

Aggie comes in through the back door and gives Buck a disapproving throat clearing, and he explains that he was just getting Toby some cookies.

BUCK: Have a cookie… (Toby shakes his head) How’s the choir coming?

TOBY: I gotta talk to Mom…

BUCK: Did I ever tell you I was in the choir when I was your age?

TOBY: Uh-huh…

BUCK: Oh, I did…I was a boy soprano…

AGGIE (walking over): They didn’t have boy sopranos back in those days…

BUCK: Oh no?  When I sang Over the Waves there wouldn’t be a dry eye in the house!

AGGIE: Well, that I believe…

Buck, whose nickname for his grandson (“Scutter”) will gradually fall by the wayside with each season, tells Toby he’s proud of him and that he feels good to have someone following in his footsteps.  Toby, who’s a fundamentally decent kid despite being painfully slow, is about to tell his grandfather he can’t carry a tune in a bucket when his gold record-selling mother comes into the kitchen.

DORIS: How’s my son, the singer?

I didn’t know Allan Sherman was Doris’ son…

DORIS: I thought you’d still be at rehearsal, darling…

AGGIE (sing-song): He’s got something to tell you…

DORIS: Oh?  What?

TOBY: I forgot…

“I like cheese!”

AGGIE: It’s about the choir!

TOBY: Oh…yeah…uh…they start rehearsing tomorrow…

DORIS: Boy…isn’t that exciting—huh, Grandpa?

BUCK: Sure is!

DORIS: Oh, I can’t wait to see you in your choir robe…

Toby hasn’t technically lied to anybody here…but he hasn’t exactly said “I was rejected from that musical aggregation because I have a voice that sounds like cockroaches rustling around in garbage cans at dawn.”  There is then a dissolve, and we find the Brothers Martin preparing for bed.  Toby decides to bare his soul:

TOBY: Billy?

BILLY: Yeah…?

TOBY: If I tell you something…you promise not to tell anybody else?

BILLY: Maybe…

TOBY: I can’t tell you unless you swear...

BILLY: All right…I swear…what’s the big secret?

TOBY: I’m not in the choir…

And if Billy would have simply got up and went into the next room, ratting out his brother along the way, we’d be done for this week.  As always…we’re simply not that lucky.

BILLY: You dummy!  Why’d you tell everybody you were?

TOBY: I thought I was going to be in it…

BILLY: What a dope…

TOBY: You swore you wouldn’t tell…

BILLY: I’m no squealer…but you better tell Mom before you get into real trouble…

TOBY: Do you think she’ll be mad?

BILLY: How should I know?

TOBY: Okay…I’ll tell her now…

But before Toby has a chance to come clean, he and brother William are summoned downstairs by the voice of their grandfather.  “Do you think he found out?” Toby asks his wiser, older brother.

He has not.  The kids are presented with fabulous prizes—namely, a new bike for each of them.  Toby has now learned one of life’s important lessons: padding one’s resume reaps generous rewards.

TOBY: Are they really for us?

DORIS:  Sure!  Grandpa gave them to you!

BUCK: Just to show you how proud I am of you…Billy making the Little League team and you making the choir!

Cue the sad trombone!  Billy dismounts from his bike walks sadly over to his mother.

DORIS: Well…what’s the matter here?

BUCK: Don’t you like it?

TOBY: Uh-huh…

DORIS: Then what’s wrong?

TOBY: Well…what if I don’t stay in the choir?

DORIS: Now what’s that supposed to mean?

BUCK: Why shouldn’t you stay in the choir?

TOBY: Little kids ought to be out in the fresh air…

That is not going to work, Toby.  Trust me on this one.

TOBY: …not cooped up in an old school practicing…

BUCK: You’re not thinkin’ of quittin’, are ya?

DORIS: Of course he isn’t…

BUCK: You don’t see Billy there quittin’ ‘cause he has to practice…

TOBY: Yeah—but he’s out in the fresh air!

His grandfather imparts upon him that “we got to stick with things once we begin”—which you would think would provide Toby with an opening (“Suppose I haven’t begun?”).  Doris reiterates: her boy is not a quitter; and so the boys are sent upstairs after giving Gramps a hug and a kiss.

DORIS: You can ride your bikes to school tomorrow…

BILLY: Groovy, Mom!

Far out.  Doris knows that something is troubling Toby (just not that he’s racked with guilt after telling a big stinky fib), but leave it to Dobbs, er, Leroy to dope out a solution to the problem (yes, I used “dope” for a reason).

LEROY: Just the old show business jitters…

ALL: The what?

LEROY: Sometimes they call it stage fright…

AGGIE: Did you read that in one of your movie magazines?

LEROY: Happens to all the big stars just before they perform…

AGGIE: Well, Mr. Ziegfeld…supposing we step out into the kitchen and I’ll fix a pot of hot chocolate and you tell me just exactly how it is in tinsel town, okay?

“And then later we’ll bounce off the walls with some pure cane sugar…”

DORIS: Leroy is right…

BUCK: What do you mean?

DORIS: That’s what’s wrong with Toby…’cause he’s never performed in front of people before in his whole life, Grandpa…he’s scared!  (Sweetly) Oh…

BUCK: Well, there’s nothing wrong with him that a good night’s sleep won’t fix up…

In the bedroom:

BILLY: Boy, you fixed things real good…

TOBY: What am I gonna do?

BILLY: You better get in that choir…if they take my bike away because of you, you’re really going to get in trouble…

“You had best sleep with one eye open, my brother…for you are entering a world of pain…”

Back from the Ralston-Purina break, Buck and Leroy are helping the boys with their bikes before they pedal off to school.  Doris comes running out of the house to remind Tobe to bring his choir robe home (ha!) because she’ll need to make some alterations.

TOBY: You don’t have to do that, Mom…they’re fixing it at school…

DORIS: No, I want to do it myself now…it has to be perfect for the stage…

The boys head off for school on their bikes, and in a scene dissolve, we find the children who were talented enough to get into the choir legitimately without lying to their parents rehearsing in the classroom, accompanied by Mr. Digby on the piannah.  Toby’s child brain has come up with a scheme to obtain a choir robe, but he has failed to reckon with the fact that while Digby might have been born at night, it wasn’t last night.

DIGBY: Hey, I saw you riding that new bike…it’s real sharp!

“What kind of lie did you tell your Mom to score that sweet ride?”

DIGBY: What do you think of our group?

TOBY: They’re okay, I guess…

DIGBY: Want to see me about something?

TOBY: I was just wondering if any of the kids might be sick or anything…

DIGBY: No…no…everybody’s fine…but I promise you—if there’s any emergency, I’ll call you…

TOBY: Okay…

DIGBY: Okay… (He sits back down at the piano, but Toby is still standing there) Something else?

TOBY: Don’t you think it might be a good idea …if I had a uniform so I can be ready in case anything happens?

DIGBY: I’m sorry…we only have enough uniforms to go around…not a single extra…

Oh, Toby!  Tell me…what’s it like to pilot your own vessel on The Great Lake of Fail?  Nevertheless, Toby did not get to where he is today (snicker) by being easily discouraged, and plans to acquire the precious choir robe continued unabated.  He waits for choir practice to let out, and then calls out to songbird Ben Spring.

TOBY: See my new bike?

BEN: Yeah…I saw it…

TOBY: Wanna ride?

BEN: How come?  You wouldn’t let me ride it this morning…

TOBY: I changed my mind…go ahead…I’ll hold your uniform… (He tries to grab the robe)

BEN: No…I gotta go home…

TOBY: Listen, Ben…my mother never saw one of these…let me take it home and show her, huh?

BEN: Uh-uh…

Toby…George “Kingfish” Stevens you ain’t.

TOBY: If I tell you something…you promise not to tell anyone else?

BEN: Sure…

TOBY: I’m in a lot of trouble…my Mom and Grandpa think I’m in the choir…

BEN: Well, tell them you’re not…

TOBY: I tried to…but they won’t listen…

Oh…you big fibber…

TOBY: Anyhow…if I could just show my mother the uniform…everything would be okay… (Ben shakes his head) If you lend me the uniform, I’ll give you something…

BEN: What?

TOBY (reaching into his pocket): I got six cents…

“Ohhhh…you were so close, Toby!  I could have rented it to you for seven…”  Ben shakes his head again in the negative…and then walks over to check out The Tobester’s wheels.

TOBY: I’m not letting you have that!

BEN: I’ll tell you what…I’ll let you have my robe until tomorrow if you lend me your bike…

TOBY: But it’s brand new!

BEN: Okay… (He starts to walk off)

TOBY: Wait a minute…till tomorrow…then I get it back… (He takes his books off the handlebars) Meet me at the bus stop…

Sheah…right…Ben will have that damn bike in a San Francisco chop shop by nightfall.  But Toby has acquired what he set his sights on—the precious choir robe.  Unfortunately, the “uniform” is a little big on him, and Doris is going at it with shears and a lot of ripping of stitches that causes her son a little distress.  She assures him that she’ll be able to “fix” it.

BUCK: Do you know—it’s going to be a big day for our boy tomorrow…

DORIS: Yeah…don’t you wish we could be there to see it?

BUCK: What’s to stop us?

DORIS: Well…I don’t know if parents are invited…

TOBY: Oh, I don’t think mothers and grandfathers are allowed…

Toby…you really suck at this, you know?

BUCK: Well, what’s the point of being on the school board if I can’t see my own grandson sing in the choir?  I’ll arrange it…heh heh…

“Did I forget to mention we’re performing at Folsom?”

DORIS: Now…wait a minute, Grandpa…Tobe…would you like for us to be there?

TOBY: You don’t have to if you don’t want to…

BUCK: Well, of course we want to!  We’ll be there with bells on!

“Hey, Toby…where is your family sitting?”  “They’re over there…the ones wearing the bells…”  Toby’s constant deceptions have not only set him on a road to perdition, but they result in this pathetic screen cap with the dog that Doris pilfered from Please Don’t Eat the Daisies:

There is a dissolve, and we find Doris milling around downstairs—including carrying around the repaired choir robe on a hanger and then hanging it up so Toby won’t wrinkle it.  Her honest son, William, comes downstairs to tell his mama that Toby is still in bed because “he don’t feel so good.”  It’s the last act of a desperate child: the old “I’m-at-death’s-door” gambit.

DORIS (entering the bedroom): Hey…what’s this I hear about my boy?  (Sitting on the edge of his bed)  How do you feel?

TOBY: I think I got a fever…

“Could be dengue fever…I hear it’s going around at school…”

DORIS (feeling his forehead): Well, you don’t feel warm…

TOBY: I’ll bet I got 110°…

DORIS: Bet you haven’t…

TOBY: My stomach hurts, too…

DORIS: I’ll bet it doesn’t…

“Get out of bed, you little goldbrick…”

TOBY: You want me to go to school when I’m sick?

DORIS: No…not if you’re really sick…but if you stay home, Tobe…you’re going to miss performing with the choir…

“Gosh, Mother…that thought never even crossed my mind!”  Doris tells Toby that she’s going downstairs to fix him a nice big glass of fresh orange juice (“Grande,” as Peter Falk describes it in one of my favorite movies, The In-Laws) and “you just think about it for a while.”

You might have to cough up a lung, Tobe…I don’t think she’s buying it.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Ben has stopped by because Toby never showed up at the bus stop as promised.

DORIS: Honey, Toby’s still in bed…he said he didn’t feel well this morning…

BEN: Oh…well, maybe I’d better take his choir robe back to school for him…

DORIS: Oh—I’ll do that, honey…you don’t have to bother…I’ll see that it gets back tomorrow…thanks anyway…

BEN: Tomorrow’s too late…we’re singing today and I gotta have my robe…I just gotta have my…

Nice going, Benjamin!  Way to let the feline out of the burlap!  Doris suggests the two of them have a little talk, and in the scene that follows Buck and Doris also have a heart-to-heart.  Doris explains that because both of them told Billy and Toby how proud they were of their respective accomplishments, “we were putting him in competition with his own brother.”  (Sibling rivalry?  Oh, Doris…you and your hare-brained parenting ideas.)  “We didn’t give him any room to fail, Dad…so he had to lie to us.”  (If you say so, Dor.)

BUCK: Poor little Scutter…what he’s been goin’ through…you know—it’s not so bad to be young and dumb…

Well…the jury’s still out on that one.

BUCK: …but when you’re old…

DORIS: You’re not old…you’re dumb, but you’re not old…

Ooooh, snap!  Doris returns to her son’s bedroom, and informs him that he doesn’t have to go to school if he really doesn’t feel well.  Toby starts to show signs of guilt by arguing that he’ll miss performing in the choir, but his mom waves it off as not being important.

TOBY: Yeah, but Grandpa gave me the bike because of the choir…

DORIS: No, darling…Grandpa didn’t give you that bike because of the choir…well…partly for that reason…

You are definitely understating this, Dor.

DORIS: …but Grandpa gave you that bike because he loves you…and Billy too…because you’re just such good boys…

Down, girl…

DORIS: You know something?  Grandpa was talking about those bikes a long time ago…

TOBY: He was?

DORIS: Sure!  You know something else, Tobe?  You don’t have to earn presents…they just come…out of love…

Wow.  That’s positively Zen, Dodo.  She goes back downstairs, where Buck is sitting at the kitchen table…get a load of the size coffee mug he’s drinking out of…

Pots of hot chocolate…a mug full of coffee as big as my head…sugar out the wazoo…I don’t know if this family ever sleeps.  Anyway, the two of them discuss Toby further, and Buck asks Doris if she thinks the little mook will come down and admit that he’s a lying sack of sugar.  She says he will, but Buck remarks that that’s “asking a lot of the little guy.”

Toby does not disappoint…he comes downstairs and tells his grandfather he should take the bicycle back.

BUCK: Oh…how come?

TOBY: You’re not going to like me anymore when you find out…

“What makes you think I like you now, boy?”

TOBY: I’m not really sick…and I was lying about the choir…

BUCK: How come you had to do that, boy?

TOBY: You were so proud of Billy when he made the Little League…and I wanted you to be proud of me, too…and I really tried…but I can’t sing so good…

“Grandpa…who’s ‘Mrs. Miller?’”  So Buck offers up some platitudes about how all a person can ever do is try, and “it took a man to walk down those stairs to tell your mom and me the truth.”  (Omitting the fact that it took some big brass ones to tell the kind of whoppers he was spouting off in the first place.)  Both Doris and Buck reiterate that they’ll always be proud of the little loser…and hey—he got out of going to school, so…

Coda time!

I’m going to cut to the quick with this scene, because in watching it, it made me quite nostalgic for the days of R.F.D. when Sam Jones would strum his guitar on the Jones Farm porch and croon Carolina Moon.  This time it’s Buck with his six-string, as he tries to help Toby become a better singer and fails miserably in the process.  He, Doris and the boys sing Ke-Mo Ki-Mo (The Magic Song), and at one point even Doris acknowledges with an eye roll that her sons are completely without talent (no worries about competition there).

Next week on Doris Day(s): Doris and her family examine the hard-hitting topic of racial prejudice in an installment that brings back Woodrow Parfrey as well as special guest R.G. Armstrong and semi-regulars Peggy Rea and Lisa Gerritsen.  (I’m only slightly exaggerating about this, by the way.)