Doris Day(s) #8: “The Black Eye” (11/26/68, prod. no #8501)

Thrilling Days of Yesteryear returns with another chapter in the exciting saga that is The Doris Day Show—“like sands through the hourglass, so are the Doris Day(s) of our lives.”  This week’s installment opens with Nelson, the beloved family dog, romping with the Widow Martin (Doris Day) in the front part of stately Webb Manor.  The canine who plays Nelson—identified in the opening credits as “Lord Nelson,” because apparently he has papers (I can hear my sister Kat now: “Yes, but will he use them?”)—formerly belonged to Joan and Jim Nash (Pat Crowley, Mark Miller) of the sitcom Please Don’t Eat the Daisies until Doris swiped the dog in her tireless Humane Society zeal.  (Perhaps she thought that since she starred in the movie version of Jean Kerr’s book she was entitled to the mutt; I really can’t say.)

But what I find so amusing is that every now and then, the dog apparently remembers what Doris did and gives her an early Christmas goose…if you know what I mean, and I think you do (see above screen cap).  Honest to my grandma, the dog is constantly doing this throughout the first season and while I normally take a dim view of such low comedy, any kind of comedy is appreciated on this program.  But I digress.  After Doris has finished French-kissing the dog, she goes over to the mailbox (at this hour of the morning, I guess Postman Felton has this route in addition to his duties in Mayberry) while we head into the kitchen where housekeeper Aggie Thompson (Fran Ryan) has prepared a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon for the Laird and Master, Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle) and his cheese-loving grandsons Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke)—apparently because they were out of circus peanuts and sour balls this morning.

AGGIE: Here ya go…eggs poached…bacon crisp…

BUCK: Maybe you didn’t hear me, Aggie—I want mine fried…

AGGIE: I heard you…

BUCK: Well?

AGGIE: Poached are better for you…

BUCK: But I like ‘em fried!

BILLY: So do I!

TOBY: Yeah…me too!

(Aggie stares down the three of them)

BUCK (resignedly): Poached are better for ya…

Keep it up, Aggie…your replacement is cooling her heels offstage.  Doris enters the kitchen with the mail, and announces that a “Mr. Billy Martin” has a letter.  “Gee—I never got a letter before,” he beams.  (Probably because you can’t read, son.)

TOBY: Who sent it to you?

BILLY: How should I know?

Toby apparently missed my parenthetical wisecrack.

DORIS (handing Buck the rest of the mail): A returned letter and two bills…

AGGIE (walking over to pour coffee): I’ll have your soft-boiled eggs in a minute…

DORIS: Thank you…

BUCK: How’s come she doesn’t get poached eggs like everybody else?

AGGIE: ‘Cause I like to play favorites…

Oh—a little late to suck up now, Agnes.  While this scintillating dialogue exchange has been taking place, young Billy has opened his letter and read it—and has a look on his face as if he’s just learned the Nashes are coming back for their dog.

DORIS: Well, who’s it from?

(Billy remains silent)

BUCK: From the look on his face it looks like it’s from the draft board…

TOBY: Is Billy going into the Army?

DORIS: Well, I hope not…

AGGIE: Who’s it from, honey?

BILLY (crumpling up the letter): Nobody…

BUCK: Nobody?

Billy walks over to the fireplace by the kitchen table and chucks the Note from Nobody into the flame.

BUCK: Now, just a minute—what was in that?

BILLY: Do I have to tell, Mom?

DORIS (after a pause): No…a letter is personal and if that’s the way you feel about it, it’s okay…

Oh, I’m sorry…but I have to say bull.  Also shit.  Any resemblance between a real family and this charade being perpetuated upon the viewing public is bogus to the nth degree because real parents do not operate in this fashion regardless whether one of them is dead or not.  If I tried that “this-letter-is-personal” gambit with my folks there wouldn’t be an airport on this planet where I could hide out for asylum.  My mother’s interrogation would make the dentist scene in Marathon Man look like a day on the lake.

So Billy tells his brother than they have to be a-moseyin’ or they’ll be late for school, and their mom gives them a kiss and a hug and sends them on their way.  As she turns back toward Aggie and Buck, she finds her father rescuing with tongs the missive his grandson tossed on the fire.

DORIS: What are you doing?  Now that really…that is the lowest… (She blows on the envelope, and then throws it back into the fire)

BUCK: What?

DORIS: …the lowest…

BUCK: Whaddya suppose it said?

DORIS: I don’t know what it said…

BUCK: Why didn’t you get him to tell you what was in it?

DORIS: ‘Cause I’m not as nosy as you are…

Doris goes back to the table and exchanges a few knowing looks with Aggie as Buck continues to poke around in the fire, trying to salvage Billy’s letter.  “Your egg’s getting cold,” Doris announces as she rolls her eyes heavenward.

A dissolve finds Billy returning home from a hard day of schooling, and as you can see in the screen cap he’s shot from a birds-eye-view for reasons that will become clear in a second.

DORIS: Bill?  Hey—no kiss today?

Wah wah wah wah…somebody tagged that kid, and good.

DORIS: Billy!  What happened, honey?

BILLY: Aw…I got into a fight at school…

DORIS: Oh…does it hurt?

“Only when I breathe, Ma…”  Doris insists on getting some ice for his shiner despite Billy’s protests that he’s okay—she leads him into the kitchen.

DORIS: Aggie, would you get some ice for us, please…?

AGGIE: Sure… (She sees the eye and gasps) What happened to you, Tiger?

DORIS (examining his eye) Oh, honey…that looks sore…does it hurt?

BILLY: I’m all right, Mom…

“You might want to get some ice for my ‘nads, though…”  As Doris goes after the ice, Gran’pa Buck comes in and, of course, must put in his two copper pennies regarding the bruise ‘round Billy’s orb.  “That’s a beaut,” he remarks.  (No, it’s a mound.)

BUCK: Afraid to ask what the other fellow looks like…I bet he’s got two shiners!  Hope you didn’t hurt him too much, huh…

DORIS: You didn’t—did you, honey?

BILLY: No, Mom…

DORIS: Well, that’s good…

BUCK: Well, now Doris…we can’t let them bullies push us around, can we?

DORIS: What do you mean we?

“You got a mouse in your pocket, old man?”  Buck wants to know if Billy fought back and his grandson says he did not.  “Probably didn’t want to hurt the fellow,” Buck alibis, his fears that his grandson is becoming a nancy boy rising to the surface.  “But we’ll go back to that school tomorrow and really give him what for, huh?”

Don’t bet the ranch on that, Old Timer—Billy says there’s no freaking way he’s going back to school, and he jumps down from the counter, running out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room.

BUCK: I think it’s time him and me had a man-to-man talk… (He starts after Billy)

DORIS: Buck!  (She races over to the door separating the kitchen from the living room)

BUCK (calling upstairs): Billy!

DORIS: Buck, please don’t do that…

BUCK: I’m only doing what his father would have done if he were alive…

DORIS: Steve would know that Billy is just embarrassed, that’s all…

BUCK: Well, he wouldn’t have let him stay home from school because he’s embarrassed…

DORIS: He’s not going to stay home from school because of that!  Now will you stop worrying—he’ll be just fine tomorrow…

A dissolve, and it’s morning in the House of Webb.  Young Toby—who, really, seems more the likely candidate to come home covered with signs of having been bullied by his school chums—enters the kitchen where his mother and Aggie are preparing a piping hot breakfast of Pixy Stix.  (Okay, I’m just having you on—she’s fixing oatmeal.)

TOBY: Do I have to eat oatmeal?

DORIS (in a high-pitched mimic) Yes, you have to eat oatmeal…

You can really be a cruel woman sometimes, Doris Martin.  I’ll bet you’ll be a laugh riot when the kid hits puberty,

DORIS (calling upstairs): Billy!

TOBY: He’s not going to school…

DORIS: Oh?  (She bangs the spoon against the pot to shake off the excess) Don’t let that get cold now…

Doris goes up to the boys’ room, where Billy once again tells her he’ll take a pass on going to school and the subsequent ass-kicking, thank-you-very-much.  She informs her son that unless he’s not feeling well he is going to school, and that she expects him downstairs in five minutes.

Another dissolve, and we find Buck pulling up on a tractor.  Doris goes outside and calls for him to tell him to start getting ready for dinner.  But look at what she’s stirring in the bowl.

Yeah, you just think I make up these jokes to be snarky.  Back in the kitchen, Doris spreads frosting on the main course:

DORIS: How does it look?

AGGIE: Oh…fattening…

DORIS: Gorgeous, isn’t it?  You know, I haven’t baked a cake since Billy’s birthday…isn’t that ridiculous?

I’m having trouble buying that myself.

DORIS: Say, Ag—do we have any of those chocolate sprinkles?

AGGIE: Right over here on the shelf…

“I keep ‘em out for the kids’ lunches…”  Buck comes into the kitchen and upon seeing what’s for dinner, gives out with “Hot diggity!”  This prompts Aggie to pick up the cake and put it in that gi-normous fridge of theirs.

BUCK: You know something?  I don’t like you…

AGGIE: Well, that’s too bad…’cause I’m crazy about you…

BUCK: No, you’re not…

AGGIE: Yes, I am…

BUCK: Then why don’t you give me a piece of cake?

AGGIE: ‘Cause you’re getting too fat…

BUCK: I’m not gettin’ fat…

AGGIE: No?  What’s that under your shirt, a football?

“I’m just happy to see ya, darlin’…”  (No, I’m not sorry I went there.)  Doris comes over and asks where her cake has disappeared, and Buck cracks: “She just put it in her vault.”  He gets a consolation prize, though—Doris hands him a spoon and the remnants of the frosting bowl and he goes to town.  Young Toby and Lord Nelson boisterously enter the kitchen, and Buck shares his frosting largesse with the little mook.  Then Doris asks about Billy, and when Toby tells his mom his brother is in his room the three adults exchange nervous looks.  And with good reason.

But first…Doris gets another goose from the dog.

Doris knocks on the door to the bedroom to find her son face down on the bed.  At the same time, Buck has given Toby the rest of the frosting so he can follow Doris upstairs.

DORIS: Billy?  Honey…?

She goes over to the bed, and spins him around…

When he fights authority, authority always wins.

DORIS: Oh, Billy!  Look at you!  Another one?  Was it the same boy?

Does it really matter at this point in the narrative?  He’s a bully magnet, ferchrissake.  Billy maintains his oath of omerta despite Doris’ attempts to get at the truth.

BUCK (at the doorway): Anything wrong?

DORIS: Oh, he had another fight…

BUCK: Well, good for him!  (He walks over to Billy’s bed) Here…let me have a look at ya, champ…

BUCK: Ohhh…you look like a raccoon!  Well, we showed that bully where we stood this time—didn’t we, Billy?

“Yes, grandfather.  I could tell he was starting to admit defeat by the way he was introducing my face to my locker.”  Billy turns away and puts his head down again, and his grandpa once again becomes concerned.

BUCK: Uh, Billy…now we did fight back, didn’t we?

BILLY: No!

(Billy gets off his bed and runs out into the hall)

BUCK: Billy!

DORIS: Buck…Buck…Buck, let him go…let him be alone for a while, will you please?

BUCK: He didn’t even defend himself…

DORIS: How do you know?

BUCK: I know and I know why…

“He’s a nance, daughter!  Let’s stop fooling ourselves!”

DORIS: Look—I know my son…and whatever he did or didn’t do, he had a reason…and that’s not it…

BUCK: He’s afraid of gettin’ hurt…

DORIS: He’s not afraid of getting hurt…and please don’t say that…

BUCK: Now, there’s only one way to handle him…and that’s to take him over there to that school tomorrow and make sure he stands up and fights!

“Or I’ll kick his ass myself!”  Well, Doris and Buck go a few more rounds on this—he’s convinced the little pisher needs to stand up and fight while Doris insists that while that may have been the way things were done when Buck was swinging a club and dragging women around by their hair she’s going to handle it differently.  So let’s hear from Ralston-Purina, shall we?

We return to the proceedings with Buck sitting on the front porch swing in repose as Doris walks out in her housecoat and jammies to join him.  She comments on what a nice night it is, and he replies that it’s his favorite time of day.

BUCK: You, uh, decide what you’re going to do yet?

DORIS: No…not yet…

“I know a couple of boys from the lodge hall who might be of service.  They use oranges in pillowcases so the bruises don’t show.”  Toby appears at the window to interrupt this conversation, asking Doris if she’s seen his comic book.  His mom suggests he look in the magazine rack, and a few seconds later we hear him yell “I found it!”  Doris then reacts as if she’s been hit by an idea.

DORIS: I was just outside…thinking about Billy…I sure hope he doesn’t get another black eye—don’t you?

TOBY: How can he?  He’s already got two…

“I like cheese!”

DORIS: Um…do you happen to know how he got them?

TOBY: Uh-huh…

DORIS: Well…would you like to tell me?

TOBY (shaking his head): Uh-uh…

DORIS: Why not?

TOBY: ‘Cause I don’t wanna get one…

Kid’s smarter than I gave him credit.

TOBY: Are you sad, Mom?

DORIS: Well…I am a little…

TOBY: Well…you said I should never tattle…remember?

DORIS: Mm-hmm…I remember…nobody likes a tattletale…

TOBY: I don’t care if anybody likes me…but if you’re gonna be sad, I’ll tell you…

DORIS: No—I don’t want you to do that, Toby…’cause if you and your brother have a secret, then you have to keep it…

Doris…please don’t take this the wrong way, but—your parenting skills suck.  If my mother were interrogating that kid, he’d admit to being on the grassy knoll on that day in Dallas before the night was over.  Well, maybe I’ve underestimated Doris’s powers of persuasion…because the next thing to pop out of Li’l Toby’s mouth is “Oh, boy…if you made me tell about Jackie…”

Nice going, stool pigeon.  If you see your brother brandishing a knife one night while Stuck in the Middle With You plays on the radio don’t say I didn’t warn you.

TOBY: Oh, Mom—you won’t tell Billy I slipped, will you?

DORIS: I didn’t hear one word!

Now that the feline is out of the burlap, Dor is on the case.  She drives over to the boys’ school and pays this teacher a visit…

…yes, it’s the third and final appearance of Maxwell Digby, the teacher played by TDOY character fave Woodrow Parfrey.  It’s not Parfrey’s last role on the show—he plays a character named Barton Durston in a second season episode, “Buck’s Portrait”—but it’s a shame they couldn’t find more for him to do because not to put too fine a point on it…he really classed up the jernt.  “The Black Eye” features him at his most Howard Sprague-ish; when Doris enters his classroom he insists on playing a recording for her of “the mating call of a gentleman crayfish to a lady crayfish.”  Naturally, since the humor of this is aural and won’t translate well to the blog, I’ll have to skip over it and get to Doris’ reason for paying Mr. D a social call.

DORIS: First of all—do you have a Jack or Jackie in your class?

DIGBY: Jack…Jackie…could it be John?

DORIS: Well, it…it could be…

DIGBY: Then we have three possibilities… (He goes to the blackboard and writes) Jack…Jackie…and John…is that right?

DORIS: That’s right…do you know him?

DIGBY: Is he tall?

DORIS: I don’t know…

DIGBY: Brown eyes?

DORIS: Well, that’s the problem, Mr. Digby…

DIGBY: Has a slight speech impediment?

DORIS: Well…it’s possible…

DIGBY: That’s Fred Sherba!

Doris doesn’t get anywhere with Digby—plus he wants her to listen to another recording, that of an aging cricket—so she’s out the door and back to Rancho Webb in a dissolve.

AGGIE: Any luck?

DORIS: Nothing…I tried Billy’s teacher…his scoutmaster…that Mr. Carson over at the 4-H club and…no one…not one person knows a Jack, Jackie or even a John…can you imagine?

AGGIE: Hmm…

DORIS: However, Mr. Digby does know a Fred Sherba…

AGGIE: The one with a speech impediment?

Nothing like a good callback, I always say.  While Doris braces herself with a shot of milk before she calls all the neighbors, Aggie peers out the kitchen window: “I wonder what the little Clements girl’s doing around here?”

DORIS (glancing out the window): She’s probably looking for the boys…

AGGIE: Fourth time she’s been here this week…

 
Ding!!!  I have to tell you, the fact that the penny drops as Doris is downing her milk was kind of inspired—because we last saw Jackie Clements (played by TDOY fave Lisa “Lydia” Gerritsen) in “The Friend”…the episode about the racist who owns a dairy.

Doris races out of the house, so Jackie hightails it inside the barn…and looking for a place to hide, starts to climb the ladder into the hayloft.  In a bit that made me laugh, Doris enters the barn with Nelson the dog, who starts barking at the intruder in the loft—Nelson has no sense of loyalty.

DORIS: Jackie…come on down, dear…

Was it worth it, your Lordship?  Ratting out a kid just for an extra Milk Bone?

DORIS: I’m Billy’s mother…

JACKIE: Yes, ma’am…

DORIS: And I have a sneaking suspicion that you are the big bully who gave my son those black eyes…?

JACKIE: I’m not a bully, Mrs. Martin!  I like Billy!

DORIS: You do?  Well, you have to admit, Jackie, that that’s kind of a funny way of showing it now…

JACKIE: Well, I even sent him a love letter…and he still won’t look at me!

DORIS: Ohhh…so that’s why you beat up on him, huh?  To attract his attention…

JACKIE: Uh-huh…but now he hates me…

DORIS: Nah…Billy doesn’t hate anybody, honey…

JACKIE: I don’t think he likes me very much…

DORIS: Well, now—can you blame him?  I mean, really…

So Doris has a woman-to-woman talk with the young tomboy, and she explains that giving him a pair of shiners is not the proper protocol for attracting a man.  She will help Jackie snare Billy in her womanly net of love…but first, ol’ Grandpa Buck must have enjoyed that helping of crow last week because he’s asked for seconds in the kitchen.

BUCK: I guess I was about as wrong as a man could be…you think he’ll ever forgive me?

“No…he’s going to require years of therapy.  But you could be a good sport and start signing a few checks to pay for it.”  Billy enters the kitchen, having returned home from that nightmare he calls his school, and Doris gives him a big hug and kiss.

BILLY: What’s that for?

DORIS: ‘Cause you’re such a good boy…

BILLY: I am?

“So…Mr. Digby hasn’t called about that explosion in the boys’ restroom yet?”

DORIS: Yes…you know something?  I know about Jackie…

BILLY: Jack…?

DORIS: Mm-hmm…

BILLY: Boy…wait till I get that Toby…

Billy…bruh…you got your ass kicked by a little girl.  Pummeling someone smaller than you is not going to help matters.

DORIS: Toby didn’t tell me one thing…Jackie told me…

BILLY: Oh…

DORIS: And you know something else?  I’m very proud of you…

BUCK (walking over): Me, too…you know, Billy—it took a real man to do what you did…

DORIS: That’s right…

BILLY: Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?

DORIS: Oh, Billy…Grandpa was never mad at you…

BUCK: Course not…it, uh, well, I…

DORIS: What Grandpa is trying to say, Billy, is that he and I love you very much…and we don’t ever want to see you unhappy…and Grandpa did what he thought…would make things just right for you…

“Grandpa,” Billy pipes in, “girls are sure a pain, aren’t they?”  We’re going to find out just how much of a pain they are because while Buck takes Billy out to the barn to see the new chicks that have hatched, Doris plots in the coda.

We find Billy at the foot of the stairs, putting on his shoes while Buck works at his desk.  The doorbell rings, and Doris emerges from one of the bedroom with a pillow and blankets—she asks her son to see who’s at the door.  He opens the door, peers outside, slams it and hauls ass toward the kitchen.  Doris decides to investigate.

Peek-a-boo!  Really, Dor—this is what you meant by never wanting to see your son unhappy?  He’ll be lucky if he loses that facial tic by the time he reaches thirty.

Doris fawns all over Jackie about how nice she looks, and she brings Jackie over to meet Buck, who pronounces her “pretty as a speckled pup.”  (Work on your similes in your free time, huh, Buckley?)

JACKIE: I did what you said…do I look all right?

DORIS: Oh, boy—you look beautiful!  Doesn’t she, Grandpa?

BUCK: Sure does…

DORIS: Oh, you look…you just look so pretty… (After a pause) Dad, I think you better find Billy—don’t you?

So Buck goes out to the barn to find Billy whimpering and curled up in a fetal position in a haystack—he’s probably got a urine stain down the front of his pants, what with the trauma and all.  His Gramps gives him the old song-and-dance about how we have to face certain things in life and peeing oneself is not going to solve it.

BUCK: That little girl got all dressed up and come over here just to see you…now…come on out of there...come on…out of there…she’s not gonna hit you…

BILLY: How do you know?

BUCK: ‘Cause your mom and me wouldn’t let her…besides, she’s dressed for courtin’…not for fightin’…

Billy agrees to accompany Buck up to the house—but he hopes Jackie doesn’t try to kiss him again.

BUCK: If she does—don’t fight it…just…relax and enjoy it…it’ll be fun!

BILLY: I think kissing girls is stupid…

BUCK: That’s life, Billy boy…at your age, you don’t want ‘em to…and at my age, I can’t get ‘em to…but in-between…can be a wondrous thing…

Everybody say it with me now…awwwww.  There’s an additional coda to this episode—but it’s down the road a ways, in Season 3: Lisa Gerritsen returns (as a different character) as the girl young William is interested in “Billy’s First Date.”  (In one of the DVD interviews, actor Philip Brown reveals that “Date” was his favorite Doris Day Show episode...and it’s actually not bad.)

You’ll notice that things went quite smoothly this week with the absence of handyman Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton).  Unfortunately, the next episode is a Leroy-centric piece entitled “The Librarian”—and if it takes me longer than usual to get it up on the blog…well, the official reason is that I have outside interests competing for my time.  (The unofficial reason is that the episode is abysmal, and it will take mocking powers far greater than mine to get through it.)  Join me next time for Doris Day(s)!