Doris Day(s) #18: “The Fly Boy” (02/11/69, prod. no #8535)

Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends…and I only wish I were kidding about that.  This week on Doris Day(s), the controversial subject of “Topic A” is brought to the forefront in an episode that addresses whether or not the Widder Martin (Doris) ever engaged in a little extracurricular activity on The Doris Day Show…if you know what I mean, and I think you do.  It’s been the focus of a plot from a previous installment, “The Matchmakers,” and I think we all remember how well that worked out.  “The Fly Boy” also deals with the matter of Doris Lovin’—and while it may not seem all that relevant at this point in the series, one of the reasons why the sitcom started to transition to more urban environs by the second season was that the romantic relationships in Doris’ life were practically non-existent.  She’d have been better off playing a nun, except Sally Field had that covered at the time.

The proceedings kick off with a shot of four Air Force planes taking off for the wild blue yonder, which establishes that there is apparently a base nearby in Cotina, and the pilots’ habit of creating sonic booms is really starting to grate on the nerves of Laird Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle), who runs out of the barn after three successive booms cause his chickens to go crazy and one of the house windows to break.  “Next time you pay!” Buck yells at the sky, which is probably where the inspiration for the “Old Man Yells at Cloud” gag on The Simpsons originated.

BUCK (as Doris joins him): That’s the last straw!  Three sonic booms in one day…

DORIS: That’s some kind of a record…

“I give it a 75…it’s got a great beat but you can’t dance to it.”

BUCK: I’m serious!  It’s those hotshot pilots from over at the airbase…they’re just ruinin’ my chickens! (Another sonic boom causes more chicken frenzy)  They can’t lay eggs in mid-air…

DORIS: Not unless you want ‘em scrambled…

Rimshot!  The comedy stylings of the Widow Martin, ladies and gentlemen!  “I gotta do somethin’ about them,” mutters Buck as Doris tells him to relax.  There is then a dissolve to an official looking station wagon pulling up at Rancho Webb, and a uniformed officer climbs out of the front seat.  On the soundtrack, military-like music can be heard that sounds suspiciously like the theme from McHale’s Navy…and while Tim Conway and Joe Flynn would be just the tonic to liven up this episode—or come to think of it, any episode—we simply aren’t that lucky.  Instead, we get…

…actor Frank Aletter, in the role of Colonel Andy Carson.  As our good friend hobbyfan shared with us in the comments section of last week’s show, Aletter played Professor Hayden in the “Danger Island” segments of The Banana Splits Adventure Hour—but here in the House of Yesteryear, we remember Frank for his work on several 1960s sitcoms including It’s About Time…the Sherwood Schwartz-created series that made Gilligan’s Island look like Shakespeare.  Colonel Carson tells his driver (Tom Falk) that his business with Buck might take a little while—“You know how they like to pad the damages.”  (Pretty bold talk from someone in the military, where financial waste is a feature, not a bug.)  He rings the doorbell, and Juanita the Housekeeper (Naomi Stevens) comes to the door—she informs him that the man with whom Carson needs to speak is in the barn.

Notice the product placement in this scene.  Understated, is it not?

ANDY: How do you do, sir?

BUCK: I was doin’ fine ‘til you fellers started blasting me off…

ANDY: Yeah, well listen…there’s no…no problem…no problem there…no problem there… (He hands Buck a sheet of paper) This is a reimbursement form…all you have to do is list your damages on there and I’ll see that you get your money back… (He turns to leave)

BUCK (getting to his feet): Uh…wait a minute, Colonel…Colonel?  You wanted to see the window that got broken, didn’t you?

ANDY: Oh, no…no…no, that’s not necessary…just list it there…

BUCK: But don’t you want to look at the chickens?

ANDY: Chickens?  Just put…put them all down there…and I’ll see that you’re taken care of…

BUCK: The hogs, too?

ANDY: The hogs, too—everything…there’s no problem…you’ll get all your money back…

BUCK: You don’t want to look at anything?

ANDY: No, sir…no, sir…it’s not necessary…my pleasure…

“Could’ve done this over the telephone,” mutters Buck once Carson leaves.  There’s a sort of amusement here in that the subtle message appears to be the U.S. Air Force has very little time to deal with hicks like Buck…and also that it’s an outfit that once it’s had its fun, dutifully pays for the damages incurred with no sense of regret or remorse as long as the tab has been settled.  This second point is about to become even more relevant as Colonel Andy heads back to his station wagon…and sees this vision of loveliness a-ridin’ up on a tractor.

Run to the dictionary and look up “lascivious” right now.  If the above screen capture isn’t there…well, I don’t know what to tell you.

ANDY: Hi!

DORIS: Hi!  You must be Colonel Carson…

ANDY: Yeah…and you must be the farmer’s daughter…

“No, that’s Inger Stevens…and I think she’s in reruns now.”  Andy and Doris exchange further information—Doris correcting him with “Mrs.” when he calls her “Miss”…and Andy volunteering that this is going to be a great day for him.  Doris then takes the time to put a little water in the tractor’s radiator as the two of them make small talk.

ANDY: …and when I see Mr. Martin, I’m going to tell him he ruined my life…

DORIS: There is no Mr. Martin…

ANDY: Now isn’t that a coincidence?  There’s no Mrs. Carson, either…

DORIS: Have you seen my father?

ANDY: Buck Webb?

“No…my real father…”

ANDY: Oh, yeah…grand old man, your father…and very concerned about how the sonic boom affected his animals, and rightly so…

DORIS: It didn’t do them any harm at all…they’re just fine…but thanks so much for coming out…

Carson suggests that maybe the two of them ought to check on the animals anyway, because he’s got no place to be plus the Little Colonel won’t quit standing at attention.  Doris has pigs to feed and while she goes at her chores Andy is quite the Chatty Kathy Doll.

ANDY: Fat little fellas, aren’t they?

DORIS: Aren’t they adorable?  Oh, I just think they’re marvelous…

ANDY: Yeah…so do I…pigs…pigs are my favorite animal…

DORIS: Really?

ANDY: Oh, yeah…

DORIS: Ohhhh…then you’ll want to hold one!

I’ll admit the sight of Doris giving Carson a piglet to hug and pet and squeeze and call “George” did produce a snicker.  Carson works up a line of B.S. about how it reminds him of the times he spent on a farm as a kid.  “Why, one of my chores as a kid was currying the pigs,” he boasts.  During the following conversation, Doris gives out with no less than three cases of side-eye.

There’s also a point in the conversation where Colonel Squid talks about “letting the soil run through my fing…” and he stops suddenly as he puts his hand in some pig muck.  After this bit o’hilarity, the two of them congregate in the barn to “check out the chickens.”  Carson notes that one of the chickens “walks with little jerky movements.”

“Oh, I think they all walk that way, Colonel,” is Doris’ reply, still playing along with the fly boy’s farm fantasy.  (I know a place in Mayberry where he’d feel right at home!)  He’s got Doris up against one of the chicken cubby holes, and as he leans in for the clinch a chicken pops out with a squawk, startling him and throwing him off his game.  I suppose we should probably bring Buck in at this point, before Colonel Handsy gets carried away.

BUCK: Well…you still here, Colonel?

ANDY: Oh…yeah, Mr. Webb…your daughter and I have been getting better acquainted…

BUCK: I thought you were gonna leave…

ANDY: Well…I’ve been thinking, Mr. Webb…just in case some of your animals have been affected…we should give it 24 hours in case there is any kind of delayed reaction…I should come back tomorrow…

DORIS: Oh, that’s nice…the Colonel is real interested in animals, Buck…

BUCK: He is?

DORIS: Uh-huh…yeah—when he was a boy on a farm, he used to curry the pigs…

And that’s Carson’s cue to be running along…but rest assured, he will be back—otherwise I could have sat this week out.  “Curried the…?” asks Buck.  “What in the world did you do to that man?”  She used her irresistible feminine wiles, Buckaroo.

DORIS: I didn’t do anything…

BUCK: Well, he’s flying at 30,000 feet without an airplane…

DORIS: Is he?  (She laughs) He’s really very nice, you know…but what a pitch…whoo!

BUCK: You know, I’m with the Colonel…if I was his age…and ran into a good-looking gal like you…I’d…uh… curry a few pigs myself…

Only if you were in West Virginia, neighbor.  So Colonel Grabby returns to the Officers’ Club on base and meets up with three of his fellow flyboys—Charlie (Tom Curry), Ben (Al Travis) and Al (James Truesdell).  The quartet throw back a few brews and boast of their unmatchable sexual prowess with women.  Don’t ask me which of those mooks is which; with the exception of Travis (who also appeared in a Get Smart episode) none of them appeared to have ever worked in TV or movies again.

ANDY: Gentlemen…a toast…to the magnificent men and their flying machines…

They go up-tiddly-up-up…they go down-tiddly-down-down…

ANDY: …and our fatal charm…

AL: Not again…

BEN: You get the feeling he’s trying to tell us something?

CHARLIE: Yeah, and with him it can only be a dame…

ANDY: Yeah, but what a dame…blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful…

CHARLIE: I knew I should have taken that complaint myself this mornin’…

AL: Naturally…she couldn’t resist a dashing flyboy…

BEN: Flew into your arms, right?

ANDY: You know…not yet…but she will…this was just a reconnaissance mission…

“Operation Deflowered Virgin—that’s what the Pentagon is calling it.”

AL: Who’s the lucky doll this time?

ANDY: The answer to a traveling salesman’s dream…a farmer’s daughter—Doris Martin by name…

And that’s when the other three do spit takes with their Falls City…Andy learns from his comrades that Dor is known to one and all on the base as “the iceberg,” in that no one has ever been able to get a date with her.  (Doris has better taste in men than I originally computed.)  “This time your target’s bombproof,” observes Al in a not-in-the-slightest sexist fashion.

“Have you ever known your modest leader to miss a target?” returns Andy, beating his chest as he scares off the other primates.  Summoning up a lousy W.C. Fields impression, Colonel Carlson suggests “a small wager to show the younger officers to put their trust in their superiors.”  Andy bets The Unholy Three that he’ll be able to snag Doris as his date for the base’s dinner dance the following evening, and that he’ll able to coax her up to High Point—which is, I assume, the local make-out point (Doris will be able to watch the submarine races!)—“thoroughly defrosted, before any of us are much older.”  His fellow officers want in—“It’ll be like giving us the money,” one cracks.

“By tomorrow night that iceberg will be like a puddle of warm water,” grins Andy.  I think a commercial break is in order, because I’ve gotten a sudden need to shower.

Back from the break, Carson and his driver have returned to Castle Webb…and as the Colonel rings the doorbell at the front door, he will soon make the acquaintance of Doris’ idiot children, Billy (Philip Martin) and Toby (Tod Starke), who run to answer the bell along with faithful Nelson (Lord Nelson), the Stolen Sheepdog.  (Methinks Andy might want to rethink his plans of sublimation as far Doris the Iceberg is concerned.)

ANDY: Is Mrs. Martin in?

BILLY: That’s my mom!

ANDY: Oh…

Buck appears at the top of the stairs, and greets Carson warmly.  “You should have been here last night, Colonel,” Buck informs him.  “We curried pigs up until about eleven-thirty.”  (Yes, I laughed out loud at that.)  While Colonel Masher gets acquainted with Doris’ brood, Buck goes into Dodo’s room to let her know Prince Charmless has arrived.

BUCK: Hey, guess who’s here?  Huckleberry Finn…

DORIS: Yeah, I know…I saw him drive up…

BUCK: I’ll tell him you’re busy…

DORIS: Oh, no!  (Running out of her bathroom) No!  No!  I’ll talk to him!  I mean…we’re going to look at the chickens together… (She goes back into the bathroom)

BUCK: Oh, I can do that with him…

DORIS (out of the bathroom again): Oh…well…I have to fill out that reimbursement form…I think…so…

BUCK: I already did that…

DORIS: Oh…well…uh…

BUCK: Well what?

“Damn it, old man—you’re cramping my style!”  Buck tells Doris that he’ll relay to Carson she’ll be right down…so let’s return to the downstairs area where we find Andy conversing with the kids and wondering if a vasectomy is something he might want to consider in the near future.

ANDY: …the faster it goes…the heavier the pressure of gravity becomes…and the task is to see how many G’s you can take…

BILLY: I’m gonna be an astronaut!

TOBY: Me, too!

ANDY: Well, if you really mean it…you better start right now…

“You two kids can get in on the ground floor of NASA’s Washing and Waxing My Car Program—go out and ask the Sergeant when you can get started!”  Andy elicits a promise from the Martin boys that if they study real hard he’ll take them out to the base and show them the jets…fully knowing, of course, that he can renege on the deal because Toby’s a moron.  That’s when Buck appears again, coming downstairs and reminding the kids that if they’re going to make that Saturday matinee, they need to get a move on.  (Also, Doris will be down in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.)

We shift to a scene outside the house, where Carson’s driver (identified only as “Sergeant” in the credits, by the way) is about to have his life irrevocably altered by making the acquaintance of Webb Farms’ resident Goober, Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton).  As Leroy lopes by, the driver is poring over a racing form.

LEROY: Howdy!

SERGEANT: Hi…Blue Streak in the first, and Blue Boy in the fourth…if you’re a betting man, that’s a real good parlay for you…

LEROY: Oh, no…I just feed ‘em…I don’t bet ‘em…

SERGEANT: Smart boy…

Well, this is only your second trip to the ranch…though most people pick up on it faster.  Leroy and the Sergeant watch as Colonel Andy and Doris exit the house and head toward the cow pens.

SERGEANT: Hey…tell me something, buddy…what kind of dame is that Mrs. Martin?

You would think Leroy would defend that “dame” a bit more vociferously.  But no—“Oh, she’s real nice,” he responds stupidly.

SERGEANT: I mean is she hip?  Does she like to swing?

LEROY: Huh?

SERGEANT: Let me put it this way…

“Is she a goer...eh?  Know what I mean?  Know what I mean?  Nudge nudge…nudge nudge…know what I mean?  Say no more...know what I mean?”

SERGEANT: …does she go out a lot?  Does she have a steady guy or what?

LEROY: Oh, no…she don’t have a steady fella…but she dates some…

SERGEANT: She does, huh?

LEROY: Sure…fellas call her all the time!

SERGEANT: You don’t say…

LEROY: Uh-huh…

Jeebus, Leroy—you’re making your employer sound like the original “good time had by all…”

SERGEANT: Son…you just made me a very happy man…

LEROY: I did?

SERGEANT: Yes, sir!  I’m gonna bet another month’s pay on the Colonel…

LEROY: What’s he gonna do?

“I’m warning you, Dobbs!”  So Sergeant Driver whispers into Leroy’s ear about the all-too-naughty intentions of Colonel Groper and our hero’s eyes get as big as pie plates.

Carson continues using all his manly charms on Doris; she’s just fixed him a nosh, and as the two of them stroll out the front door he tells her “And after a lunch like that…I must reciprocate.”  (“Bathroom’s down the hall…knock yourself out!”)  That’s when he brings up the subject of the Officers’ Club dance that evening.  Sure, it’s kind of short notice…but he does have a wager on—though he kind of keeps this on the Q.T. with Doris.  “I won’t take no for an answer,” he tells her.  (“How about ‘hell to the no’?”)

Doris agrees to be his date, and since he’s on duty earlier he’s going to send his driver to pick her up at seven.  (Quel classy!)  Doris tells Andy she’ll see him then, and as he makes his way back to the car I’m surprised he didn’t give the Sergeant a high-five.  Look at Doris.

Ah, a woman in love.  But not for long…because the Driver made a tremendous miscalculation in informing Leroy of Colonel Skirt Chaser’s Bond villain-ish scheme after the dance.

LEROY: Can I talk to you, Mr. Webb?

BUCK: Sure you can talk to me…what about?

LEROY: Well…it’s about Mrs. Martin…

BUCK: What about Mrs. Martin?

LEROY: Well, it’s none of my business, Mr. Webb…but…well, do you really think she ought to go to that dance tonight?

BUCK: Well, why shouldn’t she go to that dance?

LEROY (after a pause): Well, it’s all those bets the Colonel’s been makin’…the whole squadron’s got money on it…

Buck orders Leroy to spill it…and in a syndication-mandated edit, it appears he’s brought Doris up to speed that her date is a 24-carat gold wanker (that’s my choice of phrasing—Buck calls him a “sonic boomer”).  But Doris is going to use her powers for evil, and she has a little surprise for Colonel Sonic Boomer, which she gives Buck an earful of as she cutely brushes her teeth in the screen cap below:

BUCK: Even after he made those bets about…High Point…and…a…a…a…defrosting?

DORIS (mouth full of toothpaste): That’s right…

BUCK: Well, I tell ya—if it was me…I’d call him up and really give him a what for!

“I’d feed his sorry ass to the curried pigs!”  Doris assures him she has a better plan, and punctuates this with some equally cute gargling.  The scene then shifts to the Officers Club dance…

ANDY: Gentlemen, she should be here any minute…

AL: Get your money ready…

CHARLIE: Not this time, Andy…

BEN: I never thought I’d live to see the day…but this time you pay off…

CHARLIE: Hey—I’ll be able to tell my grandkids about this…

Optimist.  Al proposes a toast to Andy’s downfall, and as he lifts a glass of champagne to his lips he winds up spilling it all over him because he just got a gander at who walked in the room…and it ain’t Jackie DeShannon!

As Doris walks toward the quartet, she passes a table at which an elderly officer is seated with his wife…he never takes his eyes off of her until she walks by, and then is embarrassed when his wife gives him The Look.  Doris then reaches the area of the room where Andy and his friends are standing, and we hear the sound of someone dropping a tray of drinks on the soundtrack (Doris also slinked by a waiter, so we can assume he was distracted as well).  “And she can cook, too,” beams Colonel Chauvinist.  As the men attempt to remove their jaws from the floor, Carlson introduces his fellow wolves as “three members of the Doubting Thomas Club”—Major Keenan, Captain Alders and Major Trent.

DORIS: What is the Doubting Thomas Club?

ANDY: Oh…that…it’s a local joke…

DORIS: Oh…

ANDY: What would you like to drink?

DORIS (to the others): Excuse us…

Doris has Andy order her a double martini on the rocks, and as soon as it’s handed to her she downs it as if she just walked off the surface of the sun and was a little parched.

Doris and Andy dance the night away, and in between numbers our heroine throws down double martinis as if she learned that there was a ban on them supposed to take place at midnight.  But is she really drinking them?

Of course not!  She’s emptying her glass into a nearby potted plant but only pretending to be trashed.  (I just hope that plant is over eighteen.)  After more scintillating dialogue that I’m going to mercifully skip over, the couple finally makes their way outside to a balcony.  You’ll notice…

…that there is a fountain nearby.  You don’t think they would have taken the time to build this prop without using it, do you?

DORIS: Ah…that moon…

ANDY (turning to look at it as Doris dumps her martini into the fountain): Beautiful…it’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as you…

DORIS (coyly with her drink): Well, thanks…

(She gives Andy a long, passionate kiss)

ANDY: Mmm…let’s get out of here…

DORIS (whispering seductively into his ear): Where can we go?

ANDY: Anyplace we can be alone…

DORIS (continuing to nibble his ear): Would you like to go to High Point?

ANDY: You wild little doll…I certainly would…

DORIS: Okay…the Sergeant can drive you there…after he takes me home…

Ya burnt, Andy!  Looks like you’re going to learn the meaning of the Constanza-ism “A man without hand…is not a man.”  Carson looks at Doris with a “Hannh?” look on her face as she reveals that she knows all about his bet with his buddies and then some.  “You’re not drunk,” Colonel Einstein says accusingly.

“Uh-uh,” replies Doris.  “And I’m not defrosted, either.”  Colonel Carson is so flummoxed that Doris strolled up to the Sexytime Precipice and then walked away that…

…well, that’s why they had the fountain there in the first place.  Doris laughs at the wet flyboy coquettishly like a Geisha.

Colonel Andy Carson turns up later at Doris’ doorstep.  He was gentlemanly enough to return Doris’ purse and apologizes for being such a dinkerplatz.

ANDY: I know you won’t believe this…but I’m a lot wiser man than I was a few hours ago…

DORIS: You’re a lot drier, too….

ANDY: And poorer…since I paid off those bets…

Sucks to be you, Colonel Damp Undies.

ANDY: If you don’t hate me too much…I…would like to see you again…

DORIS: I have to think about that, Andy…

“Three…two…one…let me get my coat!”  Yes, as you’ve probably guessed, Doris eventually agrees to go on another date with this potzer (hell—it’s either him or Leroy), and in the coda we find Buck helping his idiot grandsons with some sort of derby racer they’ve built out of crates.  “All right, Tobe…you get in, and Bill, you push it,” he says, conveniently leaving out “right down that steep-ass hill.”  The two kids race off and seeing Doris at the window, he asks her who was on the phone.

DORIS: Colonel Carson…he says he’s sorry about that sonic boom this morning…but he’ll be by later to check the damages…

BUCK: We didn’t have a sonic boom this morning?!!

DORIS: He’s flying over in a little while to arrange one…

There’s an audible “BOING!” on the soundtrack, as both Doris and her father laugh at her filthy little innuendo, and I pour myself a generous reward for having made it through another episode.

Next time on Doris Day(s)…gott in himmel…it’s a Leroy-centric episode in “The Tournament,” so if attendance is thin in class, I’ll know the reason why.  But we will get a return visit from a character introduced in an earlier episode (“Buck’s Girl”), featuring an actor who’s been in quite a few of the Boston Blackie films I’ve been writing up at Radio Spirits.  (Plugs are a blog’s best friend, boys and girls.)  So hurry back and join me for some Doris Day(s) fun!