Doris Day(s) #25: “The Gift” (04/08/69, prod. no #8539)

This week’s installment of the award-winning* Thrilling Days of Yesteryear feature Doris Day(s) is entitled “The Gift”…and to point out that this is a misnomer would be an egregious understatement.  The episode focuses on Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton), an individual so annoying he makes Goober Pyle of Mayberry seem like the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.  It would have been much more accurate to call this episode “The Gift (and I hope you kept the receipt, ferchrissake).”

See, I’m a big fan of actor James Hampton—I thought he was funny as inept bugler Hannibal Dobbs on F Troop (which you can revisit as part of F Troop Fridays at my pal Hal’s blog The Horn Section; Hal likes to skip around with the episodes’ order—which to me is sort of like eating the dessert first, but it’s his blog…his rules) and I also enjoyed him in such films as The Longest Yard (1974), The China Syndrome (1979) and Sling Blade (1996).  But The Doris Day Show?  Definitely not the actor’s finest hour.  Fortunately—at the risk of giving too much away—once we’re done with the freshman season at Doris Day(s) we only have to endure Leroy’s guest appearances in Season 2’s “The Gas Station” and the following season’s “Lassoin’ Leroy.”  (I keep telling myself that which does not kill me only makes me stronger.)

As Act One of “The Gift” opens, we’re presented with an amusing sequence featuring the Widder Martin (Doris) and Nelson the Sheepdog (Lord Nelson).  It’s a little like a joke Woody Allen once used in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask (1972), involving a man forced to mate with a giant rye bread (it’s in my favorite segment of the movie, with John Carradine playing the mad scientist—“They called me mad at Masters and Johnson!”)—the thought of it is funny…the execution not so much.  Here in “The Gift.” Doris gives Nelson a note that she wants delivered to her cretinous sons Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke).  Theoretically, it’s funny because you can’t help but chuckle at the idea of a family pet passing along communication and—oh, I don’t know…waiting for a reply and/or tip.  But because Nelson hasn’t demonstrated any intelligence beyond his simple canine origins (Lassie could have made this work—Nelson is no Lassie) the joke kind of falls flat.  I did snicker at Doris telling her dog that after he carries out her wishes he’ll be rewarded with a cookie; she puts the cookie on the table and he immediately gobbles it up.  (His way of sticking it to The Man, I guess.)

After receiving a communique via Nelson Express, we find young William in the bathroom with washcloth in what appears to be some sort of grooming ritual…his younger brother Tobias soon joins him.

TOBY: Hey…what are you doing washing your ears?

BILLY: Mom called a special meeting…

TOBY: What for?

BILLY: I don’t know—but I’m not taking any chances…

TOBY: Neither am I…

Again—it’s not the execution of the joke, it’s the thought that Doris rules the household with such an iron hand that the mere whisper of her wanting to gather the clan for a chinwag makes her hygienically-challenged children spruce up (Toby grabs his toothbrush and brushes what teeth haven’t fallen out from his sugared goods diet).  Even Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle), Laird and Master of Castle Webb, is nervous as to what is on Doris’ agenda—a subject he broaches with faithful domestic Juanita No-Last-Name (Naomi Stevens).

BUCK: She…uh…didn’t give you a hint as to what this meeting’s about, huh?

JUANITA: No, she didn’t…

BUCK (after a pause): Well…I’m sure it’s got nothin’ to do with me…if she was mad about that antique table I got rid of last week she’d have mentioned it…

JUANITA (laughing): I’m sure it isn’t that…

BUCK (to himself): Think she would have mentioned it…maybe she’s upset because I didn’t consult her about what color to paint the chicken coop…

Yeah, I’m sure that’s it, Buckwheat.  (“Goddamn it, I said mauve!”)  Like his grandsons, Buck also receives a TL from Nelson (apparently Doris has little to do today but pass notes with her dog): “Special meeting in two minutes.”

Well, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer (assuming this situation actually kept you in suspense, that is):

DORIS: Now…the reason I called a special meeting is because we have to talk about something that’s very important…

Oh…it’s the “birds-and-the-bees” lecture!

DORIS: …it’s about Leroy…

The relief among Buck and the kids that Leroy is the one in trouble and not them is good for a chuckle.

DORIS: Now, listen…I realized something this morning—that Leroy has been with us one year today…

“Although it certainly seems longer.”  To be honest, I thought the subject of Leroy’s “anniversary” had already been broached in the earlier episode “Leroy B. Simpson”…but in fact, that just dealt with Doris’ remembrance of the time they first hired His Leroyness, and there was no time stamp on it.

BUCK: That’s right—and you called the Martin Mafia together to see which one of us is gonna fire him!

Oh, I like the way that man thinks.  Unfortunately, despite the reality that such a course of action would be most appreciated by her constituents and would guarantee Doris another two-year term as Mom, the plan dies in committee.  Doris wants to get Leroy a swell anniversary gift instead.  (“He could have my pet lizard,” the cheese-loving Toby pipes up.)

DORIS: Anyway…if we get him a present, it has to be something extra special…and something that he really wants…now we have to find out…

TOBY: Why don’t I ask him?

BILLY: No—then it wouldn’t be a surprise!

TOBY: How can we give him a surprise if we don’t know what we’re going to surprise him with?

BILLY: That’s the surprise—huh. Mom?

What Abbott is trying to explain to Costello is that they need to glean from Leroy what his fervent desire is in the gift department without tipping their hand.  To illustrate how this will be accomplished, Doris selects Juanita to be the guinea pig in her experiment:

DORIS: …it’s Aunt Lucille’s birthday next week…and we thought maybe you could help us out, you know, uh…as to what to get her…now if you were my Aunt Lucille—what would you like?

“A green card.”

JUANITA: What would I like?

DORIS: Mm-hmm…

JUANITA: Oh, if I were your aunt…oh—she’d…she’d love a silver comb…with a black lace mantilla…or a turquoise necklace…with big silver loop earrings!

DORIS: Juanita…if you were Aunt Lucille…

JUANITA: Yeah, if I were your aunt—one of those gorgeous rebozos from Mexico I saw in town last week…

From Wikipedia: “A rebozo is a long flat garment used by women mostly in Mexico. It can be worn in various ways, usually folded or wrapped around the head and/or upper body to shade from the sun, provide warmth and as an accessory to an outfit. It is also used to carry babies and large bundles, especially among indigenous women.”  Until I looked this up, I had no idea what they were—I thought Juanita was talking about that guy what used to hang out with Nixon.

“She’s from Kansas City!” exclaims Doris, as if no female would be caught dead in a rebozo in a place where there’s some crazy little women there and I’m gonna get me one.  “But you shouldn’t go to a lot of trouble for your aunt,” responds Juanita, “because I don’t go out much anyway.”  HA!  Busted, Dodo!  Juanita is onto your little scheme—don’t you feel foolish!

DORIS (to Toby): Do you have any ideas?

TOBY: I have an idea!

DORIS: You do?

I like the way Doris asks that, in kind of an incredulous fashion (“Who knew he was capable of forming thoughts without being distracted by squirrels?”).  Doris and the kids hie themselves to Leroy’s bachelor pad in the barn, where Toby suggests a game he’s made up called “Presents.”

BILLY: Now we start to think…

LEROY: About what?

TOBY: Presents!

BILLY: What’d you like most in the whole world and then tell everybody!

TOBY: And no cheating…

BILLY: I’ll go first…

TOBY: No, I’m first…it’s my game!  I want an ant village…

BILLY: I want a chemical set!

DORIS: I want an ocelot!

Well, gee, Doris—why not do what you did with Nelson and steal the one belonging to Honey West?  (This, by the way, is not the strangest request—Toby, at one point in the game, expresses a wish for a “dead lion.”)  This session of “Presents” soon degenerates into an argument between the Martin sons, because Billy exclaims he wants a spaceship and so does Toby—apparently Billy had one previously and Toby stepped on it and on and on and on.  “How do you like the game so far?” Doris asks Leroy, who’s been unable to get a word in edgewise.  The game ends with a pillow fight…shenanigans!

BUCK (getting off the phone): Find out what he wants?

DORIS: Not what he wants…but I know what he needs…

BUCK: What’s that?

DORIS (dragging a broom and a vacuum cleaner out of the closet): A new pillow…

Returning to Leroy’s humble crib, Doris hands him the broom and vacuum in order that he can clean up after her kids’ mayhem.  She’s also brought a mail order catalog.

LEROY: A mail order catalog—why on earth would I want that?

DORIS: Well, I just thought it might come in handy…you know…

LEROY: Back home, it was practically a necessity…but here…

Yes, I did laugh at this.  Sometimes the subtlest jokes are the funniest.  Doris starts flipping through the ol’ Sears-and-Roebuck, calling out various items that Leroy might be interested in to get him to bite.  But Leroy has little use for such gewgaws—as he demonstrates by opening his chest of drawers…

LEROY: There—whaddya see?

DORIS: Nothing!

LEROY: Right!  And I just have a few things in the bottom drawer…look here… (He pulls back curtains to reveal a practically empty clothes closet)

DORIS: One suit?  Is that all you have, one suit?

LEROY: And that’s all I’ll ever need…my Uncle Buster used to say: “A man should be able to walk through life with nothin’ but a suitcase…and the less he’s got in it, the easier the load…”

DORIS: Your Uncle Buster said that, huh?

LEROY: Yes, ma’am…

DORIS: Well, your Uncle Buster is a troublemaker!

I don’t see what the problem is here, Dor…just get him a new suitcase!  Later, over a hearty breakfast of Fun Dip and Dum-Dum lollypops, Doris tells her family about Leroy’s lack of material possessions and his stupid Uncle Buster.

BILLY: All he wants is nothing?

DORIS: Nothing!

TOBY: Boy…

JUANITA: The only thing I could find out he wants is tortillas…

BUCK: Well, why don’t we give him a suitcase full of tortillas?

Buck and I are starting to think on the same wavelength…and don’t for a moment dismiss that I find that frightening.  Leroy comes ambling in with the mail.

JUANITA: What’s that, Leroy?

LEROY: Uh…a letter from my grandma…

JUANITA: Your grandma!  I bet she tells you how much she misses you, huh…?

LEROY: About two paragraphs worth, bless her heart…

Buh-less her little heart!

LEROY: You know…I just realized I haven’t seen her in over a year…kind of miss her, too…

Boing!  That scheming bit o’gray matter bestowed upon Doris Freaking Martin while in the womb has just thought of the perfect gift idea for Handyman Leroy!

DORIS: That’s it—it’s perfect!

BILLY: What is, Mom?

DORIS: We give him a week off…buy him a bus ticket…and send him home to his grandma!  That’s a beautiful present!

BUCK: No…now just wait a minute…a whole week?  There’s a roof to be mended…fences to be fixed…and chores to be done around here!  Now, who’s gonna do those for a week?

DORIS: We will!

BILLY/TOBY: We will?

BUCK: You will?  Heh…

DORIS: Well, it’s only a week…

BUCK: Well, a week can be an awful long time when you’re adding somebody else’s chores to your own—even Leroy’s…

DORIS: Well, I know we can do it…

BUCK: Well, I don’t know—woman and two boys…doing a man’s job…well, most men’s job…

While I understand where Buck was going with that joke (haha, Leroy’s a screw-up) I wish he had found another avenue to drive down and avoided Chauvinism Terrace.  Doris, seeing that her father has doubts, asserts “We’ll just have to show him…huh, fellas?”

“Maybe we should just give him the tortillas,” responds Toby.  A nice effort from the little guy, except his mother ruins it with that all-too-obvious laugh of hers.  We’ll take a commercial break…

…and when we return, Doris and Sons have already taken it upon themselves to start on Leroy’s menial tasks—namely, the washing of the Family Truckster.  “Don’t waste so much time on the hood,” Doris tells Billy, rapping on the front windshield.  “You’ve got all the windows to do yet.”

But William didn’t hear what his mother said because the windows are rolled up, so when he asks her to repeat her request she rolls down the driver’s side window…and that’s when her youngest hits her with a water hose.  Ah, there’s nothing quite like slapstick.

Leroy moseys on into this little tableau, and inquires as to why the fambly is now doing his work:

TOBY: We’re washin’ the car for you…

LEROY: Oh…

DORIS: About time they’re helping out around here—don’t you think?

“Lazy little pukes…when I was their age, I had a paper route and was working the perfume counter at Almeda’s!”  And then Toby nearly spills the beans by chiming in: “Yeah, and anyway, next week you’re going to be…”  He does not finish the sentence, because his quick-thinking brother throws a wet rag at him, then grabs the hose and gives him a right soaking to prevent his idiot sibling from letting the cat out of the burlap.  The fact that he also drenches Doris in the process is pure gravy.  (The screen cap doesn’t do it justice, but Starke really got hit with the full force of the water and can barely get his eyes open.)

Leroy tells Doris he can finish the job, and she puts up a struggle—the two of them start wrestling with a bucket filled with soapy water.  The handyman is then given a command to let it go, and…

…if this show didn’t have physical comedy once in a while, I’d be dreading every one of these write-ups.  “Hose me off!” orders Doris, and I laughed a dirty laugh.

Buck, who watched this roundelay from the porch, goes into the kitchen and starts pissing and moaning to Juanita.  “They’re turning the yard into a swamp!” he gripes.

JUANITA: It’ll dry out…

BUCK: I’m not worried about it drying out…

JUANITA: Buck—what are you worried about?

BUCK: I’m worried about if this happens now, what’s going to happen when Leroy’s really gone?

Does this mean the second season of this show will be funnier?  We can only hope.  “Wait until you’re cookin’ over an open fire in the middle of the Buck Webb swamp!” he yells, storming out.  (“Dogs and cats…living together…mass hysteria!”)

There’s a dissolve to a scene in the barn, which finds Doris underneath Buck’s truck…and her sons running into the barn to warn her that Leroy is headed this way.  There’s really not much hilarity in this scene, only in a bit of business where Doris keeps hitting her head on the underside of the truck…producing the same sound effect you hear in Three Stooges comedies when Moe clangs Curly in his noggin.  Leroy pumps Doris’ little one for information.

LEROY: What’s your mother doin’ under there?

TOBY: She’s fixing something…

LEROY: What for?  That’s my job…why is she doin’ it?

TOBY: It’s a secret…

LEROY: Who you keepin’ the secret from—your Grandpa?

TOBY: No…

LEROY: Couldn’t be Juanita…

TOBY: No…

LEROY: Me?

TOBY: It’s a secret…I better go help Billy…

As a result of this, Leroy starts to get a little paranoid.  In the scene that follows, he expresses his fears to Juanita, who dismisses all of that as crazy talk from Toby—“He’s just a little boy.”

LEROY: Well, I don’t get it—first I find ‘em washin’ the station wagon…and then Miz Martin workin’ under the pickup…every time I turn around, I find them doin’ my chores…

JUANITA (with hesitancy): Leroy…if I were you, I wouldn’t turn around again…

…because out in the front yard, Doris is at work fixing some loose pickets on the fence that surrounds Webb Manor.  Again, because this is a visual joke it won’t play well on the blog but the moment she swings her hammer…

…the fence pickets fall off, making a sound as if someone started at one end of a piano's keys and worked their way down with one finger.“I think it’ll take a little longer now, Leroy,” says Dor sheepishly.  Inside the kitchen, Juanita tells a glowering Buck “That’s the funniest thing I ever saw!”

BUCK: Well, I’m not laughin’—I’m goin’ out there!

JUANITA: Buck—what’s happened to your sense of humor?

“It left the day I received a call from my agent telling me I got this part!”  Grumbling about how the ranch now looks “like an earthquake hit it,” Buck is somewhat mollified when Juanita suggests he sit down and have a cup of coffee.  “Sometimes I think we’d be better off if I…if I really did fire him,” he continues, expressing the same thoughts as your humble narrator.

After a pause, he asks: “You…got any pie?”  (You have to ask in that house?)  Juanita then gives him a big wink…and believe me, I do not want to know what all that’s about.

Well, since my sense of humor left the day I foolishly announced this project, I’m going to cut to the quick on the rest of the monkeyshines here.  Leroy sneaks up on Buck while he’s mending the enclosure for the pigs, and Buck’s reaction is a slow “Owwwwwwww!” as nails fall out of his mouth.  He yells at Leroy despite Leroy’s offer to run after some ice for his thumb (“Keep it from swellin’ up,” his handyman explains).

BUCK: Leroy…don’t you have anything to do?

LEROY: Well…that’s a funny thing, Mister Webb…every time I go to do one of my chores—Miz Martin or one of the kids is either doin’ it or they’re just finishin’ up…

BUCK: Is that right?

LEROY: Yes, sir—it’s a funny thing…

BUCK (after a pause): Yeah…guess it is…well, standin’ here gabbin’ is not gonna get this job done…

Leroy interrupts Buck a second time.  “Leroy,” says Buck slowly, “you’re not happy with me just smashin’ my thumb—you want me to smash all my fingers, is that it?

LEROY: …I was just wonderin’ if…you’d tell me what’s goin’ on…

BUCK: Well…well, how should I know?!!

LEROY: Well, you bein’ Miz Martin’s father…and the kids’ grandfather…and owner of the place…I thought you might know…

BUCK: Well, there’s…there’s nothin’ goin’ on…it’s…it’s all in your imagination…

LEROY: You mean…I was imaginin’ washin’ the car…and workin’ on the pickup…milkin’ the cows and mendin’ the fence?

“Leroy,” continues Buck evasively, “this thumb is beginnin’ to throb a little…I…I think I’ll go in the house and put some ice on it.  You finish this up for me, will ya?”  Leroy cheerfully takes over Buck’s chore, and there is then a dissolve to the upstairs of the Webb House as our hero gingerly approaches the door to the kids’ bedroom.  He calls out their names, and then enters their room…he doesn’t immediately see the sign, but he will:

LEROY (reading): Goodbye Leroy?  (As he pauses slightly, scenes of Doris and the boys completing his chores are superimposed over his face)  Well…at least the boys are goin’ to wish me good luck…

Nelson, who followed Leroy into the bedroom, extends a paw in friendship.  “Thanks, Nelson,” Leroy tells him…not quite understanding that the dog is trying to tell him “Take me with you, you sh*t-kicker!”

Doris, Buck, Juanita and the boys are shown in the next scene congregating outside Leroy’s “apartment”—Juanita is carrying a chocolate cake (must be dinnertime) and Buck lights the solitary candle on top.  The plan is to burst into the room singing For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow…but the welcoming party finds the room completely devoid of jolly good fellows, with Leroy having cleared out all his stuff.  He did, however, leave a note:

DORIS (reading): “It didn’t take me long to figure why you were doing all my chores…” (She slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand) “You don’t need me around here anymore…well, you don’t have to feel bad about firing me…I quit.”  Oh, no!

BUCK: What would he go and do a fool thing like that for?

(Buzzer) “What is ‘Because he’s Leroy’, Alex?”

BILLY: Leroy’s quitting?

DORIS: He’s gone…

TOBY: He can’t quit—he owes me a quarter!

If Leroy has to start taking out loans with kids—maybe it’s a good thing he did leave, to look for better work.  “Well, he’s gone—bag and baggage,” observes Doris…but Buck reasons that since Leroy owns no car, he can’t have wandered too far off.  So the fambly loads up in the truckster and goes after him!

They eventually catch up to Leroy, who’s just sauntering down a lonely Cotina road with his suitcase and gi-tar.

DORIS: Leroy B. Simpson—where do you think you’re going?

LEROY: Well, I…

DORIS: Well, we got your note and it was awful!

LEROY: My handwritin’ never has been too good…

Doris explains to Leroy that it was all—say it with me now—a simple misunderstanding…they were doing his chores so that he could have the week off to spend with Gran’ma Simpson.  The group sings For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow, and Leroy is so embarrassed he insists on continuing his flight because he can’t face everybody.  “Leroy…the only place you’re going is home—and if you think I’ll do any more of your work, you’re crazy!”  (Doris…why…why won’t you let this be the best Doris Day Show episode ever?)

The coda is pretty weak on this one—Juanita comes dashing into the house with a letter from Leroy, and Doris opens it up to read to all assembled.  (Toby, cheese-lover that he is, keeps pestering his mother by asking if Leroy mentions those two bits he owes him.)  Leroy explains in the letter that while he is having a wonderful time, he now remembers why he doesn’t visit Grammy Simpson that often.

DORIS (reading): “I’ve been here a day-and-a-half, and already I fixed the barn roof, shod three mules, strung barbed wire across ten acres, dug a well and a cesspool…”

BUCK: More work than he’s done around here in six months…

DORIS (continuing): “That’s more work done around your place in six months…” (Laughs)

Leroy concludes in his letter that he’s making tracks for Webb Farms starting tomorrow “because I could sure use the vacation.”  Toby brings up the quarter again (let it go, Junior) and his mother assures him that in the “p.p.s.s.” Leroy is coming home to bring Toby his quarter.

The face of herp and derp, ladies and gentlemen.

I have to admit…that wasn’t quite as painful as I expected it to be.  But I can’t say the same about the installment that’s coming up, which features TDOY fave Barney Phillips reprising the award-winning** role he made famous a week ago (“The Still”) on Doris Day(s) as the embarrassingly lax Sheriff Ben Anders.  If you’re up for it, join us next time for…”The Tiger.”

Oh—I almost forgot…here’s your Doris side-eye:

*A slight exaggeration.

** So is this.