Once again, I demonstrate a complete disregard for the
blogosphere by spending my copious free time sprawled out in Count Comfy von
Chair playing Cityville endlessly as the ‘rents continue to be
spellbound by American Pickers. All I
can offer is my most sincere apology. I
had planned to have a Serial Saturdays entry up on that
very day, and a Mayberry Mondays to follow.
But in addition to my unbridled sloth, significant events have been
happening in short order that kept these from being completed…so on this
Christmas Eve, I need to do a quick “state of the blog.”
When we last had a blog meeting at the lodge hall I
mentioned the observance of my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary—and I want to
thank everybody who passed along best wishes via the comments area of that
post; I relayed all of the sentiments to both of them (well, with the exception
of Scott’s—because my mother is
already convinced that I have a twisted sense of humor, and if she knew I was
associating with the likes of him I would probably be told to “stay away from
that boy”) despite their puzzlement (“Why are you telling everybody about us on
that blog?”) The three of us went over
to the Double K Ranch (the nickname of sister Kat’s residence) that evening for
a congratulatory dinner (steak, hash brown casserole, broccoli, salad and
Diamond Cookie Pie for afters) and to spring the surprise on Mom and Dad that
my younger sister Debbie (plus her husband and my niece Rachel) would be coming
down to spend Christmas with all of us. Having
had their socks knocked off, we spent most of last week in preparation (tidying
up, planning meals, fattening calves) for their arrival…and for the next five
days, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear
will be observing radio silence.
When I return, I will have many wacky tales to impart…and
the first chapter of Don Winslow of the
Navy (1942) for your edification, I swear.
Thanks for being patient with my extended absence, and I just want to
wish every member of the TDOY
faithful the happiest in this holiday season.
Season’s greetings to all!
Fifty years ago on this very date, a young girl from Mattapoisett,
MA said “I do” to a roguish young man from
the wilds of West Virginia who
just happen to have a bitchin’ Cadillac.
And lo and behold: the blogosphere’s wackiest parents were born…though
they wouldn’t technically become parents until the following September (and
even though I’ve been called one often enough, I need to reassure the TDOY faithful that it was not a shotgun
wedding).
My parents, flanked by my grandfather ("Papa Jack") and grandmother ("Nana Kaye") on my mom's side. (Notice there is no shotgun.)
Ivan (Ike) Sr. and Irene Shreve are celebrating their golden
one today—but lengthy marriages are kind of a thing in my father’s family; my
grandparents (Steve and Bertha) were married for fifty-plus, and my Aunt Jane
and Uncle Marvin chalked up the big five-o this year as well. (My Aunt Nat/Uncle Ted are also enjoying
their twilight years, and before the passings of my Uncle Joe and Uncle Don
they both were well acquainted with marital longevity as well.) If you were to ask me how “the ‘rents”
continue to make it work I’d be stymied for an answer—I only know that though
some of the arguments would rival any sitcom couple (Frank and Marie Barone are
the first that come to mind) my Mom and Dad genuinely love and respect one
another, and fifty years in the trenches hasn’t changed that one iota.
No, my father was not married before...this was his brother Don's wedding, at which Dad served as best man. (Dad was also best man at his brother Marvin's wedding...he had a real cottage industry going back in those days.)
Dad got Mom a nice watch to mark the occasion, and she in
turn purchased for him a new recliner that has not only gotten a good workout
from the person sitting in it (Dad) but has inspired a new round of wisecracks
from their smartass son (for some reason the chair is higher than his old one,
so I have suggested getting him a stepladder in order to allow his grandson to
approach the recliner come lap time rather than teaching Davis to pole vault). There will be a celebratory dinner at the
Double K Ranch this evening, followed by a surprise that will knock both of
their socks off.
Somewhere buried in all the bric-a-brac we've collected over the years is an 8mm film of the nuptials...and during the cake eating my Dad actually bites my Mom's hand. Just an indication of things to come, I guess.
As such, I’m going to have to put the start of Serial
Saturdays’ presentation of Don
Winslow of the Navy off until next Saturday. (I’m also racing a deadline on an outside
project, so…) So, yeah—this was the
earth shattering announcement I alluded to in my last post and while it might
not seem that way, I just wanted to give a shout-out to my favorite
couple. Mom and Dad…I love you both very
much.
…the winning name in Thrilling
Days of Yesteryear’s Scrooge Giveaway contest—and that name is none other
than fellow classic movie blogger Brandie of True
Classics fame, who will soon step back from her mailbox in surprise as she
finds a DVD and Blu-ray copy of A
Christmas Carol (1951; aka Scrooge)
inside. (Okay, she won’t be too surprised…since I e-mailed her this
morning to tell her she won.) Brandie
told me when she sent in her entry that it would make a lovely Christmas gift
for Mama Brandie, and I concur heartily—the Alastair Sim version of Dickens’
short story classic is just head-and-shoulders above the rest, in my
never-at-all humble opinion. As always,
I wish I would have been able to send a copy out to each and every one of you
who entered (and maybe…someday…with the right scratch-off ticket) but I also
want to let you know that I may have a surprise or two to give away after the
holidays—so you’ll certainly want to stick around for that.
As for the blog…it may be quiet for the next day or two; I’ve
got some Radio Spirits-related material to work on as well as a few outside
matters that need my attention. But
there will be an announcement of earth-shattering implications in a few days,
so I definitely will be back in time for that.
Before we get into this week’s installment of Mayberry
Mondays (and since I consider myself a good sport, I’m going to tell
you right now that this is one of those “Millie-can’t-do-anything-right-because-of-her-ladyparts”
stories, so if you want to bail now’s your chance) I thought I’d mention in
passing the “lost” Mayberry R.F.D. episode…which aired on CBS just three days
before “Egg Farm” on January 8. Now—when
I say “lost,” I mean only in the context that I don’t have the episode in my
collection (nor have I seen the show)…and technically, it’s not an episode of R.F.D.
but the premiere of The New Andy Griffith Show, the titular star’s failed attempt
to recapture the magic of his landmark 1960-68 sitcom.
After telling CBS he wasn’t interested in a ninth season of TAGS,
Griffith appeared in five
installments of the show’s spin-off—four in the first season and the second
season opener, “Andy’s Baby.” Andy was
more interested in making a name for himself in feature films in the same
manner as his former TAGS co-star, Don Knotts…but Griffith’s
1969 film Angel in My Pocket was a box
office disaster. (Ironically, Knotts’
film career also took a bit of a nosedive that same year with the unsuccessful The Love God?—which prompted him to
come back to TV in the 1970-71 season with a combination sitcom/variety show
entitled The Don Knotts Show. It
lasted a single season.) As for Andy, he
chose a half-hour comedy-drama called Headmaster (created by TAGS
scribe Aaron Ruben) for his comeback vehicle, in which he played Andy Thompson,
the dean of a California coed
prep school. Headmaster started out
strong in its premiere, but soon found its boob tube ass being kicked by ABC’s The
Partridge Family on Friday nights.
So mid-season, Aaron Ruben came up with The New Andy Griffith Show—a
series that unfortunately came across too much like the old Andy
Griffith Show, except in a bigger town (the series’ setting was Greenwood,
NC—population 12,785). On TNAGS, Andy was Andy Sawyer,
Greenwood’s mayor, and Lee “Time Tunnel” Meriwether played his wife Lee
(Meriwether had also been married to Andy’s minister in Pocket)—they had two kids in Lori (Lori Rutherford) and T.J. (Marty
McCall) and a sister-in-law named Nora who, as played by Ann Morgan Guilbert,
was more like Guilbert’s Yetta from The Nanny than our beloved Millie
Helper from The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Like Headmaster, TNAGS started out strong coming out
of the gate but faltered down the stretch and it, too, left CBS’ schedule
quickly; its last first-run episode was on March 12 of that year and by May it
was gone. (Proving that irony can really
be ironic sometimes, TNAGS was replaced by reruns of Headmaster.)
In The New Andy Griffith Show’s debut
episode “My Friend, the Mayor,” village idiot Goober Pyle (George Lindsey) and
fix-it savant Emmett Clark leave (Paul Hartman) Mayberry to pay their old
friend Andy a visit in Greenwood, each angling to get him to use his influence to
rezone a plot of city land on which both plan to start a new business. A third old pal of Andy’s, who goes unnamed
but is 1) wearing the same salt-and-pepper suit he sported at the Taylor-Crump
nuptials and 2) played by Don Knotts, also figures in the shenanigans. As I mentioned in the beginning—I don’t have
this episode in my collection, but the Don Knotts portion is available from
YouTube:
So Goober, Emmett and The-Man-Who-Might-Be-Barney are old
buddies with Andy…Sawyer? It never strikes any of these guys peculiar that
the former sheriff of Mayberry now has a new last name? I don’t even want to explore how this
happened (though you’re certainly welcome to contribute your own theories:
witness protection program, husband progressively taking wife’s name in
marriage, etc.) because that’s Father O’Brien’s side of the street. Nevertheless, if I do manage to obtain a
copy of this for my collection, I will most assuredly add it to the write-ups
for all the R.F.D. episodes in the past…but for now, I can only speculate
while stroking my beard seriously and puffing on a pipe that I borrowed from
last week’s “Howard, the Dream Spinner.”
So to show just how smooth the segueways go in these posts,
this week’s episode features our favorite pedantic county clerk, Howard Sprague
(Jack Dodson), seated at the Mayberry Diner…with his trusty monkey boy—er, I
mean Goober by his side. Now, I
personally find Goob a moron but every now and then he’ll do something to make
me chortle; as the director-producer-writer credits roll in the beginning, he’s
sitting beside Howard and blowing straw wrappers at an unseen person behind the
counter (possibly the gal that Howard became acquainted with last week?). I know that doesn’t play funny…but there’s
several straws in front of him on the counter, which hints he’s being doing
this a while…that’s what struck me so funny.
GOOBER: Some fun…havin’ coffee with you…sittin’ there with your nose stuck in a newspaper…
I guess the honeymoon is over.
HOWARD (glancing over at him):
Well, I’m just keeping my eye on the market…industrials are going up—might be a
good time to buy in…
GOOBER: Not me! My money stays right there in the good ol’
Mayberry First National Bank…
Was that the one that Howard tried to rob in “The Caper”?
HOWARD: Well, I wouldn’t keep it all there…
GOOBER: What’s wrong with the bank?
HOWARD: Well, nothing…it’s just
that I prefer a more balanced investment depth program, that’s all…
GOOBER: Look, Howard…if you know
something about the bank that I don’t, I think you ought to tell me…
One of the hallmarks of the Goober character is that being a
Rube of Very Little Brain, he has a tendency to fixate on one thing until you
distract him a shiny object or such. You
will certainly notice this in the following passages of dialogue since the
sitcom’s hero, poor-but-honest-dirt-farmer-turned-town-council-head Sam Jones
(Ken Berry), has entered the diner with his lady love, bakery doyenne Millie
Swanson (Arlene Golonka).
HOWARD: How’re things at the
bakery, Mill?
MILLIE: Aw…same old million laughs…
“Why can’t a chicken lay a loaf of bread? Because she ain’t got the crust!” Don’t forget to tip your counter girls,
ladies and gentlemen!
GOOBER: Howard tell you about the
bank? Somethin’ goin’ on over there… (To
Howard) That banker ain’t playin’ the
horses, is he?
Curious that Goober would refer to Mayberry’s resident
capitalist swine Cyrus Tankersley (George Cisar) as merely “that banker.” Oh, and Goob…let it go, already…
HOWARD: No, Goober… (To Sam and
Millie) I was just telling him that there are other places to invest your money
besides a savings account…you know,
that a man ought to have a more diversified savings program…a little in…uh…stocks
and bonds…a little in the bank…and a little in real estate…that reminds me—I
hear Mrs. Plunkett is selling her egg farm?
Gosh, Howard…what a masterfully subtle way to set up this
week’s plot!
MILLIE: What, that…that little farm
next to yours?
SAM: Yeah…she’s moving down to Florida…
GOOBER: With the banker?
Fetch the stick, Goob!
SAM: You know, that farm wouldn’t
be a bad investment for…somebody…I mean, if somebody wanted to…take it over and
really work it…
HOWARD: Hmm…how much do you think you
could make?
SAM: Well, Mrs. Plunkett told me
that in some years she cleared as much as sixty-five hundred dollars…
MILLIE: Really?
SAM: Mm-hmm…
HOWARD: Well, that’s not down my
alley, though…
Oh, come on, Howard…Sam does all right for himself even
though we rarely see him working his spread.
HOWARD: …but I always did think it
would be nice to work for myself…
MILLIE: I know what you mean…
SAM: Yeah…it’d be a cinch to run that place…a one-man
operation…
HOWARD: Not for me…all those
chicken feathers flying around the air would be most detrimental to my nasal
condition…
Every episode…one laugh-out-loud moment. Also, too: notice the subtle chauvinism in
Sam’s remark about “one-man operation.”
(This will obtain a greater deal of relevance as this episode progresses.)
GOOBER: One thing you’re
overlookin’, Howard…them savin’s accounts is insured by the Federal Government…
HOWARD (scoffing at Goober, then
back to Sam): How much does she want for the place?
SAM: Uh…twelve-thousand five…ten
percent down…
MILLIE: That’s all?
SAM: Mmm…that’s what she said…
GOOBER: I tell you one thing…I
ain’t rushin’ over there and pullin’ out my hunnerd and seventy-eight dollars
out of there all at once… (After Howard shoots him a look) Well, I don’t want
to start no panic!
The three of them stare at Goober with the same look you
give the loved one you’re about to yank them off the life support system. And then a scene shift to stately Jones
Manor, where Millie is having a chinwag with housekeeper Cousin Alice (Alice
Ghostley).
ALICE: But tell me…what do you
know about egg farming?
MILLIE: Alice, the chickens do all the
work…besides—I’m going to think it all over very
carefully…and do a lot of checking…well, I mean…it’s a big move and I’m not
going to rush into it! Come on, Alice—let’s go look at it before somebody else beats me to it!
“Good idea,” says Alice
half-sarcastically as she removes her apron and follows Millie to the next
scene. Now—during their brief exchange
of dialogue, Alice was stirring something on the stove…and though it looks as
if she turned down the heat, leaving her kitchen in that state is just asking
for trouble, particularly with Mike the Idiot Boy (Buddy Foster) having the run
of the place (“Pa! I scalded myself
again!”) Okay, we can take solace in the
fact that Mike is not in this week’s episode…but still…
This was the best screen capture I could get of “Mrs.
Plunkett,” the proprietress of this pullet factory Millie’s going to buy (oh,
like the episode title isn’t a spoiler).
Character actress Alice Nunn spent nearly fifty years in the bidness
racking up movie credits like Johnny Got
His Gun, Mame, The Fury, Mommie Dearest and Three
O’Clock High—and making the rounds guesting on shows such as Petticoat
Junction, McMillan & Wife, Happy Days and Simon & Simon. Apart from regularly appearing on the
short-lived cult sitcom Camp Runamuck (as Mahala May
Grunecker, head counselor of rival girls’ camp Camp Divine), Nunn is best
recognized as scary lady trucker Large Marge from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.
(Nunn passed away three years after the release of that film, in 1988.)
PLUNKETT: …keep ‘em on the ground,
that’s what I say…some of the big farms keep ‘em in those wire cages…but I say
they lay better in a hen house…
MILLIE: Y-Y-You mean some of them
are in there right now laying eggs?
PLUNKETT: They’d better be!
MILLIE: Oh, isn’t that beautiful!
PLUNKETT: Overwhelming… (Pointing off to the right) Now, that shed down
there…that’s where you grade ‘em and wash ‘em…
MILLIE: You have to wash the chickens?
PLUNKETT: The eggs…
MILLIE: Oh…well, of course…I-I-I
knew that, I just wasn’t thinking…
“Well, I’ve got work to do…you just look around,” Mrs.
Plunkett advises the two women. “If you
have any questions, ask me—I’m here…I’m
always here.” A lot of Nunn’s
performance is lost on the printed page (or in this case, a computer screen)
but she has this hilariously dry delivery…I kind of wish they had written a
bigger part for her in this thing.
Millie thinks—despite all evidence that Mrs. Plunkett
probably hasn’t had a vacation since the Great Depression—that the egg farm is
“dreamy” in that giggly and oftentimes annoyingly scatterbrained way of hers.
ALICE: Well, it’s not exactly Sunnybrook
Farm…
MILLIE: Oh, and I can afford it
with what I’ve saved…oh, think of the income…you know, Sam says sixty-five hundred a year…
ALICE: But…uh…this is an egg
farm…what do you know about taking care of chickens?
MILLIE: Alice…I’ve had a parakeet and two
canaries…
Well, Millie’s going to have to buy this place otherwise
you’ll all be staring at yesterday’s post…Millie, like the way she’s always written,
is prattling on about having to put up new curtains and plant daisies on the
place as Mrs. Plunkett walks by the two women, struggling with a wheelbarrow
filled with feed. The look that Alice
gives Mrs. P as she goes by isn’t done any justice by a screen capture but it
did make me laugh out loud, because Alice
just knows this is going to turn into a clusterfudge.
ALICE: Millie…you are going to talk to Sam first about this—aren’t you?
MILLIE: Oh, sure…sure…I mean, I
know I get carried away with things, but…well, really…I would never do a thing
like this without asking Sam’s advice…
“Tee hee…I couldn’t possibly make an independent decision
without having Sam check into it…”
Groan. Oh, well…three…two…one…
SAM: You’re…you’re going to buy the egg farm?
MILLIE: Well, I’m just thinking about it…I mean, once you
recommended it, I just started to fall in love with the place…
SAM: Millie, I didn’t recommend it—I just mentioned it…
MILLIE: …oh, you said it was a
sensational bargain…
SAM: Millie…Millie…all I said was
it was a good buy…Millie…
MILLIE: …that little farm is me!
I mean, can’t you just see me running
it!
Oh, yeah. He’s on
board with this.
SAM: I mean…Millie, look—you’ve already got a good job…
“Yeah, the service industry was a lifelong dream for
me. And I made it happen.”
MILLIE: Oh…well, Mrs. Boysinger
understands…she says if I ever want to go back to the bakery, I can…and I’m not
going to give up my place in town until I’m sure I’m making a go of it…
SAM: Hmm…at least that makes sense…
MILLIE: Of course…I wouldn’t make a
move without your advice…
SAM: Good…Millie…because you see…
MILLIE: I’m so excited! Now I know how you must feel about your farm…I mean,
you wouldn’t give it up for the world—would you?
Perish the thought!
Considering how much time he diligently puts into its upkeep, he said
sarcastically.
SAM: Well…no…Millie…but…see, I know something about farming…what do you know about raising chickens?
“How hard could it be?
I spend sixteen hours a day either playing checkers at Emmett’s or
hanging out at Goober’s…and before you know it, viola! Eggs by the dozen!”
MILLIE: Well, everything! I mean, I went to the farm bureau and they
have all sorts of information!
SAM (laughing): Look, Millie—I know
you’re all enthusiastic about this whole thing…but an egg farm is a lot of hard work!
Sam’s argument might be a bit more convincing if the life he
leads as a gentleman farmer showcased a little more sweat on his brow and less walking
back and forth to that filing cabinet in the council office. Millie then prattles on about Alice’s
enthusiasm for the idea because “she thinks I’m very good at handling
animals.” “And Alice
thinks I’m a very good worker,” she continues in closing arguments.
“Wait a minute—how did Alice
get into this?” asks Sam. That’s when he
learns that his cuz went with Millie to look at the farm, and when Sam asks
Millie what Alice knows about
farming his girlfriend’s reply is “she knows how hard I worked on the Harvest Ball.”
“I’ll take your advice—you’re the one who knows,” Millie
says, heading for the home stretch.
“Whatever you say—if you don’t think I’m really capable of handling
it…” Sam cuts her off, knowing that if
he really entertained thoughts of saying “I don’t think you’re really capable
of handling it” he’d have to find someone else to sing Carolina Moon to on his front porch…and that’s when Millie
interprets his “Millie, I didn’t say that” as his stamp of approval on Project
Henhouse.
The next scene finds Millie carrying a box of personal
doo-dads into her new chicken ranch house as Sam follows behind toting two
chairs. Howard and his little idiot
friend are also on hand to do the heavy lifting.
MILLIE: I can’t thank you guys enough for helping me…
HOWARD: That’s okay, Millie! (As he grabs one end of a couch and Goober
the other) Sam…I just hope you knew what you were doing when you talked Millie
into buying this place…
SAM: I didn’t talk Millie into
buying this place…
GOOBER: You might have thought
twice, Sam…after all—you can take Millie out of the city but you can’t take the
city out of Millie!
Sam continues to protest that this was not his idea as the
three of them carry items into the house.
There is a scene dissolve to a rooster seated on Millie’s
windowsill. Mr. Rooster does what
chickens of his sex usually do at the butt-crack of dawn and Millie
awakens…looking finer than any of us on the off-chance that we were rising and
shining at that same hour. She greets
the rooster with a cheery “Hi” and then grabs the telephone—asking Mayberry
operator Sara (who, I’m guessing, has been pulling an all-nighter) to put her
through to Sam.
The fact that Samuel Jones, Farmer at Large, is still fast
asleep only confirms my long-held suspicion that the Jones plantation is
getting a hefty subsidy check from the government each month, which is why he
doesn’t have to get up early or do anything resembling, oh, farming for example. He answers the ringing phone with a groggy
“Hello?”
MILLIE: Morning, Sam…good morning!
SAM (still half-asleep): Oh…
MILLIE: Sam—do you know…my very own rooster woke me up this
morning…yeah, I’d forgotten how clean and crisp the air can be! I just never get up this early!
SAM: You know something,
Millie? Neither do I… (He slams the phone down in disgust)
There is then a scene shift to the outside door of Sam’s
bedroom, as our hero emerges wearing his pajamas top while struggling to put on
his pants. He’s rushing down the hallway
when Cousin Alice sleepily emerges from her bedroom.
ALICE: Sam! I heard the
phone…is anything wrong?
SAM: Well, Millie just called…some
kind of emergency!
A worried Alice
cries out “Oh, dear!” and slowly begins to vanish. (Oh, hang on a sec—I got the wrong sitcom.) There is yet another scene shift (I’m
starting to suspect some heavy syndication editing here) to a close-up of this
poor chicken:
MILLIE: See…I told you! She’s sick!
SAM: She’s sleeping!
MILLIE: Oh…
SAM: I’m glad somebody is…
Sam then rights the chicken to show that the hen is still
among the living…and then we have another shift in scenery back to Jones Farm,
where Sam emerges from the barn. (His
truck is parked nearby with several sacks in the truck bed…could this be a rare
episode in which he actually does some toil in the soil?) As he lifts one of the sacks, he hears
Millie’s plaintive cries of “Help!” and in yet another scene shift…
…find her being attacked by mad chickens! Oh, the humanity! Sam, easily amused by the sight, begins
laughing.
SAM: The rooster?
MILLIE: Oh, what’s so funny? He was making crazy noises and flapping his
wings!
SAM: Flapping his wings?
MILLIE: Yes! (Sam doubles over with laughter) Sam, it’s
not funny! He could have bitten me!
The two of them get into an argument—which I’m not going to
take the time to transcribe here, because most of it is just silliness—about
how Millie’s purchase of EggCity
was a tremendously idiotic idea. (Millie
does say at one point: “You think I’m too stupid to do anything but sell donuts.” Sam tries to explain that this is not so—but
come on, man…selling donuts is not a
stupid activity.) Then it snowballs into
how ridiculous it is for Millie to be dressed the way she is for farm activity,
with the eventual capper of how Sam chauvinistically believes that Millie is
too cute and dainty to be an egg farmer, and so Millicent is going to show him
a two or thing. “And I don’t need any
help from you!” she yells at him, storming off.
That is a cue for a commercial break—though Sam does do a funny bit of
business when he looks in the direction of the demented cockerel and cracks:
“Hang in there, fella…”
Back from commercial, we find the War Between the Sexes has
shifted to new ground: at Sam’s spread, where Millie is shooing some of her
chickens with a broom as Alice puts
laundry on the line and Sam carries a load of firewood while watching in
bemusement.
SAM: Hi, neighbor…
MILLIE: Good morning…
SAM: Uh…some of your chickens got
loose, huh?
MILLIE: That’s rather obvious…
SAM (starting to put the firewood
down): Here…I’ll help you…
MILLIE: No…no, thank you…I’m
perfectly capable of getting them home myself…and don’t worry—my birds and I
will be off your property as soon as
possible…
Millie continues rounding up her chickens as Sam glances at Alice
and comments: “Her birds…”
ALICE: I thought you said it was a little argument…
SAM: Wishful thinking, I guess…
ALICE: Well, Sam—you never should have talked her into buying that farm in the first place…
The running gag in this episode about Sam being responsible
for ditzy Millie’s purchase of the egg farm is already starting to wear out its
welcome…but adding Alice to the mix kind of stops the joke dead in its tracks—because
having went with Millie to look at the property at the beginning of this
episode, she should have the good sense to blame all of this on Millie’s
impulsive nature. As Sam begins to argue
for the umpteenth time that this is not his fault (seriously, Sam—why not just
tell Alice “Bite me!”) he notices
that Millie’s hens are starting to make a meal on a newly-planted field of
his. (I want it on the record that we
never actually see Sam plant this, by the way.)
He then runs over to shoo the chickens away.
SAM (angrily): Look—I’d appreciate
it if you’d keep your chickens out of my corn!
MILLIE (returning fire): Well, you
can just keep your corn out of my chickens!
Two great tastes that taste great together. “Well, it was your idea!” Alice again
remarks to Sam in the hope that saying it a second time will make it funnier.
A scene shift finds Millie in her shed, looking at a number
of eggs via a grading apparatus. The
clucking of her chickens startles her and she drops one, then she looks
disgustedly at the broken egg. Another
scene shift finds her struggling to put up a handmade sign that reads “Millie’s
Egg Farm – Fresh Eggs Daily.” Having
nearly split our sides at these two events, we must now journey to Goober’s
Gas-Up in order to catch our collective comic breaths.
SAM: Hey…you guys want anything
from SilerCity?
GOOBER: Uh-uh…
HOWARD: No thanks…we thought you
might be on your way out to that egg farm you
had Millie buy…
“Howard, reach into that soda machine and see if there’s an
ice cold bottle of STFU…”
SAM: No, I’m not…
GOOBER: Yeah…helpin’ her with all
that heavy work she has to do…
HOWARD: Yeah…and with the problems
of running an egg farm…
SAM: Nope…I’m on my way to SilerCity…
“They got some crazy little women there/And I’m gonna get me
one…”
HOWARD: Well, I guess it really
isn’t our concern anyway…
GOOBER: Yeah…what business is it of
ours you gettin’ her into that mess…?
“I wish everybody would get it straight that I did
not…” Sam never finishes his sentence,
but simply waves the both of them off with an “Ah…forget it.” Berry’s
delivery of this is kind of funny, but the sight gag that follows—he speeds off
in his truck and Howard, who was leaning on the back end of it the entire time
nearly falls on his ass—made me laugh harder.
GOOBER: Well…Alice said Sam and Millie had a fight…from the way he’s actin’ it sure musta
been a good one…
HOWARD: Yeah…you know, I went out
to see Millie yesterday…I thought I’d buy some eggs, you know, try to help her
out…asked her for a dozen and she could only scare up three…
Yes, I am ashamed to admit I laughed at this, too.
GOOBER (snapping his fingers): Hey—I
bet I know what’s the matter…I bet them chickens are mad at her…
HOWARD: Mad at her?
GOOBER: I mean it! My granddaddy used to raise chickens…and he
always said they had feelin’s just like people…they ain’t happy, they don’t
lay—that’s why he always played a harmonica around ‘em…to keep them smilin’…
It must be a slow day at the county clerk’s office because
Howard seriously entertains the thought that Goober might have a bright idea
(though in his defense he does preface his remarks with “As ludicrous as it may
sound…”). So in a scene shift, we find
Howard plugging in a stereo system into an outlet in the henhouse because, of
course, they put in the outlets for just such non-laying emergencies.
HOWARD (to Millie): What we want to
do is to get the proper stereo balance…we don’t want those chickens laying
lopsided, do we?
The Kounty Klerk of Komedy, ladies and gentlemen! Howard drops the needle on a recording of Brahms’ Lullaby, the idea being “to calm
them down and lessen their tension.”
Goober, on the other hand, subscribes to the School of Henhouse Rock ‘n’
Roll—he puts on one of those generic rock records sitcoms use so they don’t
have to pay anyone royalties and starts getting down with his bad grease monkey
self:
Gah…what has been seen cannot be unseen. Well, predictably an argument erupts between
Howard and Goober over which genre of music is favorited by your average
pullet, and their bickering upsets Millie, who runs out of the henhouse
crying. Howard goes after her, and when
the chickens start cackling Goober tells them to put a sock in it. “If you’d done your jobs in the first place this wouldn’t have
happened!”
Is it possible to up the ante on the laugh quotient in this
episode? Well, let’s take this back to
the council office for another rousing rubber of “it’s-all-Sam’s-fault.”
HOWARD: I hope you’re happy!
I just hope you’re happy, Sam!
GOOBER: Anybody coulda told you—it don’t take no brains to see that Millie ain’t cut out for farmin’!
The wisdom of a fool.
SAM: Look, I didn’t talk her into buying this thing—I tried to talk her out of it!
But she wouldn’t listen!
GOOBER: We were sittin’ right there
when you told her it was the steal of the century!
SAM: I did not! All I said was it wouldn’t be a bad buy…
HOWARD: Poor Millie’s savings…right
down the drain…
SAM: Now, look you guys…I’m not
gonna…
GOOBER: …once you talked her into
it, you didn’t help her!
SAM: I did, too!
HOWARD: I didn’t see you helping
her over there today!
SAM: That’s because she doesn’t want me over there helping her today!
HOWARD: Well, I don’t blame her! Come on, Goob…I’m gonna have a talk with
Reverend Keith…I think we need another one of those “love thy neighbor”
sermons…
The “Reverend Keith” to which Howard is referring has been
mentioned on R.F.D. before…but we won’t actually see him on the show until
next week’s episode, “The Kid from Hong Kong.” The previous pastor in Mayberry, Reverend
Tucker (William Keene), disappeared about the time of “Andy’s Baby”—though I
personally think he went running after Andy and Helen’s car at the end of that
episode yelling “Take me with you!”
Well, back at Chez Millie, our plucky farming heroine is
making her way to her hens when Sam stops by and apologizes for being such a
jackass. He asks her if he can help her
with anything, and she pridefully tells him “no problem.” Then she does a funny bit in which the gate
to her honkin’ big coop falls down when she presses on it.
MILLIE: Don’t you say one word…not one word…
SAM: Look…Millie…gates are always a problem on a farm…they get
rusty…and…and the wood rots…they’re always
falling down…
MILLIE: Not when you just fixed them…
SAM: Oh, really…?
MILLIE: Oh, Sam…I’ve been so silly
and foolish…and so boneheaded…you must think I’m a real dope…
“Of course I do, sweetie…it’s this whole patriarchal male
thing…”
SAM (laughing): No…No, I don’t…
MILLIE: Well, I do…I don’t belong here and everybody knows it…
SAM: Oh…of course you belong here…
MILLIE: No, I don’t…but I could do it!
SAM: Of course you could!
MILLIE: But I don’t want to do it…I’m tired of smelling like chickens…and I-I don’t like getting up
early…and…oh…Sam…Sam, I hate that
rooster…
Millie’s upset because she’s stuck with the place—but she
warns Sam not to say “I told you so.”
“I won’t,” he promises her.
“I’m not that dumb.” (It only
seems like the jokes just write themselves.)
Millie goes off in search of some tools to repair the gate…and that’s
when a real farmer pulls up in his
automobile, telling his passenger (apparently his wife): “I’ll go up and check
on it—you keep your fingers crossed, Katie…all right?”
I joked about this gentleman being a real farmer because
this actor is Kay E. Kuter—known to people like myself who have nothing better
to do than watch endless TV reruns as befuddled farmer Newt Kiley from Green
Acres and Petticoat Junction.
Kuter guest-starred on a fistful of TV classics—The Texan, The
Virginian, The Rifleman, The Outer Limits, etc.—but Seinfeld
fans might remember that he was the Latvian Orthodox priest (in “The
Conversion”) who realizes that Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) has “kvorka”
(“the lure of the animal”). (Kuter also
did voiceover work for Hershey’s chocolate kisses for a good many years.) Among Kuter’s film credits: Guys and Dolls, The Big Night, A Time for
Killing and The Last Starfighter.
Since the Headmaster/New Andy Griffith Show
tutorial ran longer than I planned I’ll kind of cut to the quick on this—the
man introduces himself to Sam as “Phil Snyder” after mistaking our hero for
another real farmer, the Plunkett that formerly owned the egg farm (Snyder saw
the newspaper ad about the property being up for sale). Sam then has to tell him that the Plunketts
have sold the place…but that the current owner is looking to get out of the egg
bidness. “Nothing’s wrong with the
place…it’s just that the new owner is a city girl and she’s not cut out for
farming.”
Sam also advises his new neighbor—seeing as how “these city
folks try to take you every once in a while”—to offer the owner “not a penny
over $13,000.” So in the next scene,
it’s apparent that Millie and Snyder came to an agreement because she proudly
boasts to Sam, Howard and Goober in the council office that she made a five
hundred dollar profit on her investment.
(“Actually, five hundred and twelve—I cleared that selling eggs.”) And so Millie’s off to beg the sinister Mrs.
Boysinger for her job back at the bakery…the conditions of her return making a
far more interesting episode than the one we’re in now.
HOWARD: Well, I’m certainly
delighted for Millie…
GOOBER: Mmm…you betcha…she was
really down…
SAM: Well? Everything turned out for the best, didn’t
it?
HOWARD: It certainly did…
GOOBER: No thanks to you…Mister Jones…
Once again, Sam patiently tries to explain to his chums
that…oh, what’s the use. It would be
funny if Ken Berry suddenly morphed into Eddie Albert, but otherwise it falls
flat. Let’s march to the coda and get
out of here while we’re still awake.
At the diner, Goober is intently devouring one of his comic
books (reading, not eating) as he finishes his coffee and is getting ready to
go back to work. He meets Sam, who’s also
coming in for a cuppa Joe.
GOOBER: Is Millie back at the
bakery?
SAM: Yeah…she started this
morning…why?
GOOBER: I got somethin’ for
her…listen to this ad: “Fun and profit for the shrewd investor…raise
chinchillas in your spare time…only five hunnerd dollars puts you in business
for yourself…”
SAM: You gonna show that to Millie?
GOOBER: Yeah! It’s a great
opportunity—five hunnerd dollars is what she made sellin’ the egg farm…
Sam tells Goober that after he’s finished at the diner, he
plans to go over to the bakery…so to save his friend a walk over, he’ll take
the comic book over to Millie himself.
Goober then graces the diner with his non-presence…Sam stuffs the comic
book into a trash can…and the rest of us are saved from any more dreadful episodes
in which Millie decides to do something over Sam’s common sense objections.
Cousin Alice’s constant reminder of what a missed presence
Beatrice “Aunt Bee” Taylor (Frances Bavier) is in Mayberry continues in this
episode, allowing Thrilling Days of
Yesteryear’s patented Alice-o-Meter™ to inch up another notch, making seven
appearances for character actress Ghostley in the third and final season of the
vanilla pudding of TV sitcoms. Now…I’d
tell you next week’s episode is an improvement on this one…but you know by now
that I’d never lie to you unless it stood to benefit me financially beyond my
wildest dreams. It’s a cautionary tale
about what happens when lax parental supervision allows Mike the Idiot Boy to
become an importer of Asian child brides.
(Okay, that’s not really what
happens—but you have to get people inside the tent somehow.) Join us next week
for “The Kid from Hong Kong”…
All the precincts have been heard from…and the provisional
ballots have been tabulated. Next Saturday,
we’ll dig into Chapter 1 of Don Winslow of the Navy (1942) for our next Serial Saturdays offering. (I have a sneaking suspicion this one got
picked because of its shorter chapter length…which I have no quibble about, by
the way. Galahad was fun, but it was also a cliffhanger that they could have
wrapped up in about five chapters, to be honest.) After we finish the naval adventures of Mr.
Winslow, I’ve already tabbed what’s next in our regular Saturday feature…but
after that one, I may have to construct another poll (though I am leaning
toward the Green Hornet sequel, The Green Hornet Strikes Again!).
Another “coming distraction” (one you may have already
spotted a promo for here on the blog) will be an episode-by-episode recap of TV’s
The
Doris Day Show, which will begin shortly after I wrap up the blog’s Mayberry
Mondays next year. I had several
people suggest suitable sitcoms to mock after the R.F.D. journey had been
completed and all of the suggestions I received were good ones…but I wanted
something that was every bit as bland as Mayberry R.F.D., and I think Doris
is more than up to the task.
When I first started the R.F.D. write-ups, it only
made sense to do them on Mondays (though I freely admit there was a time or two
when I had to do a “Mayberry Tuesday” when I missed a deadline) because for the
show’s three-year-run on CBS, it was a Monday night staple. I had planned to do the same for what will be
called Doris Day(s)—the only problem is, Doris’
sitcom was on Tuesday nights in its
first season before moving to its permanent Monday night home in Year 2. So here’s the new poll up in the upper right
hand corner—to preserve the integrity of The Doris Day Show, should the new
feature be a Tuesday thing (but only for the first season; I’ll move it to
Mondays in its sophomore year) or should I just not nitpick and do it all on Mondays
anyway. (This is not a scientific poll—I’m
just curious to get some feedback. Oh,
and in case some of you are unable to do the poll for evil Internet browser
reasons, you can fill out a provisional ballot in the comments.)
Oh…and I apologize for not mentioning this sooner: one of
the sitcoms I was considering for a weekly snark takedown was Family
Affair; the 1966-71 series that I had to watch with my sister Kat
because we only had one TV back then. Affair
was a very serious contender…but in the end, I couldn’t risk being exposed to
the treacle involved so I took a pass. However,
a braver soul made of sterner stuff than I has risen to the challenge over at
Embarrassing Treasures; you should skate on over there when you get a free
moment and check out that site’s Family Affair Friday (it’s pretty hooty and
not nearly as longwinded as my Mayberry wrap-ups).
A reminder to those members of the TDOY faithful interested in entering the blog’s Scrooge Giveaway:
you need to make certain (if you have not done so already) that you e-mail an
entry to me (with “Scrooge Giveaway” in the subject header) at
igsjrotr(at)gmail(dot)com before 11:59pm EST
tomorrow evening (Monday, December 10). Tuesday
morning, I’ll mosey over to Random.org and choose a winner, who will receive
(1) one DVD copy and (1) Blu-ray copy of the 1951 version of A Christmas Carol (aka Scrooge), courtesy of the fine people
from VCI Entertainment. (When you enter,
you can hold off on supplying your snail-mail address until it’s been confirmed
you’ve won the swag.) As I have stated
so often in the past, the 1951 movie is my favorite of all the versions of
Charles Dickens’ classic Yuletide tale…so this is going to make a wonderful
Christmas gift for some lucky person or, if they’re feeling generous, a family
or friend of their choosing.
Speaking of wonderful Christmas gifts (how does he do it? I
hear you asking) though the holidays seem to become more and more focused on
making sure both my nephew and niece are as loaded down with as much swag as
possible (and believe me—I have no problem with that), mi madre did inform me
that she has purchased something that I have had my eye on ever since the announcement
was made that Sony had every intention of selling the bonus stuff (all of the
solo Stooge shorts and the features Rockin’
in the Rockies and Have Rocket Will
Travel) from the honkin’ big Three Stooges box set in a separate
package. Entitled The Three Stooges: Rare Treasures
from the Columbia Vault, it’s a three-disc collection of the stuff I
previously mentioned in the parenthesis above and it will be finding a home
here at Castle Yesteryear along with my other Stooges DVD acquisitions. So I am jazzed about that.
And now, a few quick mentions of some upcoming TV-on-DVD
releases, courtesy of TVShowsOnDVD.com:
Shout! Factory has announced that even before the fourth season of TDOY fave Quincy, M.E.
is due out on the streets this December 18th, season five of the 1976-83 Jack
Klugman starrer is already in the pipeline, and will be released on March 19th. A 6-DVD set (containing all 22 episodes)
priced at $39.97 SRP; I’m really glad that Shout is continuing this series, and
am hoping they go all the way with this one without sticking it in their Select
program (or even worse, offering the remaining seasons in a box set without the
option to purchase seasons separately).
In the “cold-cereal-and-footy-pajamas” department, TSOD announces that the long-awaited
release of the manga-tokusatsu classic Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot (Giant
Robo) is back in the disc race—you can read the long, twisted history
of the pre-orders involved in this show but the most recent news reports that
Shout! will also be in charge of this release, with a release date of March 26th
and a SRP of $27.98 for a 4-DVD collection that will contain all twenty-six
episodes of the program that began syndication in this country in 1969 (though
originally airing on the Japanese television network NET in 1967-68).
And in the “waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop” department, TSOD has news that the second season of
Saturday late night favorite MADtv will be released to DVD also on March 26th…nearly nine years after
its first season release in 2004. Shout!
Factory has licensed this series for DVD distribution from Warner, and a 5-disc
set containing all 22 shows from the series’ second year will be made available
at a price of $29.93 SRP. I had the
first season set of the show many, many moons ago (probably found it on sale
somewhere…later hawked it on eBay) and though every once in a while they’d have
a sketch on there that would make me laugh I can’t honestly call myself a
devotee. But it’s where I first
proclaimed my love for Nicole Sullivan (which later continued on The
King of Queens) and Debra Wilson (I refuse to drink Sierra Mist, but
her and Nicole’s commercials for it used to make me smile)…and for some odd
reason, the sketch with Will Sasso as Kenny Rogers hosting Jackass always left me in
hysterics. (I won’t try to explain it if
you don’t judge me.)
