As our second episode of Mayberry R.F.D. opens, we find Mayberry’s think tank—grease monkey Goober Pyle (George Lindsey), pedantic civil servant Howard Sprague (Jack Dodson) and fix-it savant Emmett Clark (Paul Hartman)—hanging out in Mr. Clark’s shop…apparently these three men aren’t required to keep an eye on their respective businesses (save for Emmett). Sam Jones (Ken Berry), dirt farmer and Mayberry town council head, enters the establishment (nearly knocking Goober into a wall…the idiot was standing behind the front door) and asks its proprietor if he can put up a poster advertising the social event of the year in Mayberry…the Harvest Ball…
SAM: And, uh, Emmett…uh…try and sell a few tickets, too, will you? We want a full house…
EMMETT: Oh, sure…uh…whose music have we got this year?
SAM: Uh, same as usual…Carl Benson’s Wildcats…
HOWARD: Oh?
SAM: Yeah, only they’re going to add a saxophone this year and bring it to three pieces…
HOWARD: Oh…well, that could make a world of difference…
GOOBER: Who you takin’ to the Ball, Sam?
SAM: Oh, I’ll probably just go stag…
HOWARD (grinning): Gonna play the field, huh?
SAM (chuckling): Uh, yeah...
(Sam gives out with a nervous laugh and Goober joins in, giving Sam a nudge…)
EMMETT: How ‘bout you, Howard? Who’re you takin’?
HOWARD: Out of town girl…
EMMETT: Oh…new talent, huh?
HOWARD: Yeah…met her in a health food bar in
Howard…you gay dog! You don't have to take your mother this year! As for Emmett, well, he’s going to stick with his usual—Martha (Mary Lansing), the old ball-and-chain. But his lack of enthusiasm for being Mrs. Clark’s escort is explained thusly: “It’s just after twenty-six years of being married it ain’t exactly that gay, romantic world you see in those Ginger Rogers pictures…it’s work, brother, it’s work…”
Sam has to be moseying (that town council doesn’t run itself, you know…or does it?) and Howard gets around to asking Goober the $64 question…namely, who is he going to take to the ball?
GOOBER (grinning foolishly): No comment…
EMMETT: She’s that bad, huh…?
GOOBER: It just so happens, Mr. Emmett Clark, that I ain’t asked her yet…
EMMETT: Well, what are you waitin’ for?
GOOBER: I will ask her at the proper place and time and besides it is none of your business…
Goober says every word in this last sentence slowly and deliberately…and I haven’t been able to discern whether he did that for Emmett’s benefit or if he’s just slow. After Goober flounces out of the shop, Howard confides in Emmett that he’s pretty certain the Goob is going to ask Millie Swanson (Arlene Golonka), the counter girl at Boysinger’s Bakery to the Harvest soiree. There’s just one teensy snag…Goober is suffering from stage fright, and can’t get up the nerve to ask Millie to the Ball—even when the opportunity presents itself while she’s filling up her ride at his service station. In the meantime, Sam has stopped by the bakery to ask Millicent about pimping the Harvest Ball with a poster in her store window and selling some tickets to boot. As he hands her the tickets, he is captivated by a strange, enticing aroma:
SAM: Say, that’s…that’s very nice, that perfume you’re wearing…it’s very different…
MILLIE (smiling): Well…thank you…but it’s not perfume…it’s fresh bread…
SAM: Oh…well…they ought to bottle it…
Schmuck… Oh, who am I kidding—there’s clearly an attraction between these two crazy kids, the point being driven home when Sam accidentally knocks the poster out of the window while exiting stage right and how the two of them reach to pick it up off the floor at the same time. There is an awkward pause, and the two of them address each other as “Miss Swanson” and “Mr. Jones” as Sam beats a hasty retreat. (It’s just like a Jane Austen novel.)
Meanwhile, back at the fix-it shop, Goober laments the fact that he doesn’t have the nuggets to ask Millie to the dance. Emmett suggests that he write a letter asking her to the Ball, but because Goober can’t read or write anything past the level of a comic book he cajoles Emmett into doing it for him. Keep in mind, of course, that the last time Emmett had to seriously think about chasing women was back when Teddy Roosevelt was in the White House, as witnessed by the letter he’s written (Goober hands the missive to Sam in the town council office, asking him to read it out loud):
SAM: Uh…”my deep regard for you is such that my feelings have become—as Shakespeare once said—‘a fever in the mind’…”
GOOBER: To me, that’s where he starts goin’ overboard…
SAM: “I am emboldened to ask the pleasure of your company…so, if you should deign to honor my humble request I will evermore remain your ardent admirer”…oh, yeah…yeah, I agree with you, Goob…all you really need is a straightforward letter…
…and that’s when Goober hits Sam up with the request to be his Cyrano de Bergerac via written request—because let’s be honest…if he uses Emmett’s letter Millie will think he’s as gay as a French tangerine. Sam amiably agrees to put thoughts to paper on his friend’s behalf…but when Goob tells him that the recipient of this mash note will be Millie, the town council head is a bit crestfallen. (Sam was trying to reach Millie at the bakery via Mayberry Bell to ask her out before he was interrupted by Goober’s arrival.) He tries to cover up his disappointment by asking: “You really go for her big, huh?” “Real big,” a grinning Goober assures his newly-designated patsy. Sam tells Goober he’ll type up the letter and he can just make his “X” sign it…
Sam is busily typing away when he gets a call from Howard that threatens to take him away from doing Goober’s dirty work…so he puts out the old familiar “Back in 5 minutes” sign and heads out. (With the amount of time the principals on this series spend in that fix-it shop of Emmett’s, it’s safe to assume that everybody in town has one of those damn signs.) And who should come moseying down Mayberry’s main thoroughfare from the opposite direction but the object of both Sam and Goober’s affections—Millie Swanson herownself. Ms. Swanson, apparently uninformed of the “back in five” concept, gingerly opens the door to Sam’s office…almost as if she expected him to leap out from behind a file cabinet, yelling: “Back in five minutes…? Just kidding!!!” She wanders around the office like a proper snoop…and zeroes in on the letter Sam left in the typewriter to move this clumsy plot along. She resists temptation to read the missive…for about fourteen seconds, and then it’s Katy-bar-the-door…
SAM (voice over): Dear Millie…I’m sure it often happens that a person who has felt strongly about someone for a long time…keeps his feelings to himself for fear of being turned away and made to look foolish…and I know that I run that risk by writing you this letter…but I’ll just have to take that chance…if you have no plans as yet…
That’s as far as Sam got with the Goober letter…but for Millie, that’s plenty. She’s as giddy as a kid on Christmas morning, and she grabs Sam’s name plate from his desk and plants a big kiss on it…and then dances about the room like a demented Disney heroine…ah, love. Just at that moment, Sam returns from his errand to find Millie waiting for him in the office. She gives him eighteen dollars in ticket money and squeals “Goodbye!” to him twice before ski-bopping out the door. Sam stands there with a puzzled look on his face.
The scene shifts to Boysinger’s, where Millie is so distracted by the prospect of a little Sammy lovin’ that she’s unable to do simple math in the presence of her friend Dorothy (Stefanianna Christopherson—the voice of Princess Dawn on Here Comes the Grump and the original Daphne Blake on Scooby Doo, Where are You?). The tension is broken with the arrival of Mailman Jimmy, who hands Millie what she’s been waiting for…and she rips open the letter, reading it out loud:
MILLIE: He is asking me to the dance…listen…”If you have no plans as yet to go the Harvest Ball this Saturday…perhaps you would consider going with me…” (giggling) “I’ll wait to hear from you…sincerely…” (She stops suddenly…)
DOROTHY: What’s the matter?
MILLIE: Goober Pyle…
DOROTHY (happily): Goober? At the gas station?
No…Goober at Goldman Sachs…ditz…
DOROTHY: Oh, he’s very sweet…
MILLIE (sadly): I don’t understand…unless he must have been writing it for Goober…
DOROTHY: What?
MILLIE: Oh…n-n-nothing… (She folds up the letter and wipes away a tear…) nothing…
DOROTHY: You’re going to accept, aren’t you?
MILLIE (resignedly): Why not…?
DOROTHY: Oh, I know you’ll have a wonderful time…Goober’s always so…pleasant…
Girlfriend, he reeks of gasoline! And as the sounds of the swinging saxophone of Carl Benson’s Wildcats fills the Harvest Ball hall, the upper dregs of Mayberry society are present and accounted for. Howard introduces his newest conquest, Grace (Pat Carpenter), to Sam, who greets her warmly. “Gee, the band sounds real good,” observes Howard. “A lot more body than last year.” Howard then grabs his partner and heads out in the direction of the dance floor, because it’s the kiss of death in Mayberry to be too chatty with a guy who couldn’t get a date.
Goober and Millie arrive at the Ball…and by the merest of coincidences (and the fact that she already had a speaking part), Dorothy is taking up the tickets. Millie is sweet enough to offer to fill in for her friend in case Dorothy wants to take a turn on the floor later on—but she’s not fooling anybody…she’s being escorted by the village idiot, and would rather people not stare.
Emmett’s only been waltzing for one dance and he’s already pooped, much to Martha’s dismay. The couple are joined and greeted by Goober and Millie, and then Goober calls out for Sam to come over and join them, setting in motion an awkward moment waiting to happen. But the Wildcats have launched into another number, and it’s time for Goober and his date to get down with their bad selves on the dance floor. Sam asks Martha if she would like to boogie, an idea Emmett heartily endorses. Goober dances up a storm as if he were an epileptic trying to stamp out a forest fire…and Sam and Martha look over to see that Emmett high stepping with a sweet young thang. “He’s never danced that way with me,” Martha grumbles to her partner. “Must have gotten his second wind” is Sam’s only defense…I’m sure Mayberry’s divorce attorney will be getting a call in the a.m.
SAM (showing Martha to a chair): Thank you, Martha…
MARTHA: It was a pleasure… (Emmett makes his way over to where Sam and Martha are standing, mopping his face with his tie…) Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself…
EMMETT (laughing): We-e-e-ll…she’s…uh…a very good customer at the shop…it’s something I had to do…
Speaking of the shop…I hope you didn’t get rid of that old Army cot, ‘cause I have a sneaking suspicion that’s where you’ll be bunking tonight,
And having received Emmett’s blessing, the mating dance commences. Out on the dance floor, Howard is sweet-talking his date with promises of heading up to Myers’
Now, Goober may be an idiot…he may be stunted intellectually…he may be Mayberry’s buffoon-in-residence…he may be…where was I going with this? Oh, right—Goober’s an imbecile, but he’s certainly no fool…he’s also no good at being noble, and can see that it doesn’t take much that the problems of three people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. When Sam and Millie finish their dance, Goober tells his date that he’s feeling sick after eating a large dinner and that he needs to go home…he also asks Sam to see that Millie gets home okay. Goober heads for the dance hall exit, but Sam follows to confront him about this sudden “illness” that’s come over Goob (you do not get to be head of the town council in Mayberry by not seeing through a gas pump jockey’s painfully transparent ruse):
SAM: Goober…Goob…are you maybe angry with me because I danced with Millie?
GOOBER: Gosh, no…but I decided to face facts…
SAM: Facts?
GOOBER: Yeah…you know, when two people are right for each other there’s a certain look that passes between ‘em…you can see it clear cross the dance floor…it’s a look like…well, like when you and Millie are dancin’…
SAM: Aw, now Goob…you know I wouldn’t do anything…
GOOBER (interrupting): Oh, she’ll never have that look for me…maybe some girl will…someday…not Millie…I’ll see ya…
Okay, so it ain’t
In the coda to this episode, Sam enters Emmett’s shop…where we find Emmett fixing a music box and Howard rifling through the newspaper. Sam is there to take down the Harvest Ball poster, remarking that he “might as well save these for next year.”
EMMETT: You know, that was the best Harvest Ball we ever had…
HOWARD: Yeah, I’ll go along with that…
SAM: Yeah, everybody seemed to have a great time…
EMMETT: Hey, where’d you disappear to, Howard?
HOWARD: Well, after the dancing was over…Grace and I took a little spin up to Myers’
…and her body was never recovered. Howard then asks what became of Goober, and Sam replies that the man whose girlfriend he macked onto wasn’t feeling well. “That’s funny,” muses Emmett. “We saw him later at the diner with that girl Dorothy.”
“Hey…a new twosome, huh?” is Howard’s leering response. But who saw Millie home, Howard wants to know. It is at that point that Sam fills his friend on the details that he escorted Miss Swanson safely to her domicile, agreeing with Howard that “she’s a very nice girl.” (And a tigress in the sack, though a gentleman never reveals the details…)
So how does Howard know Millie is “a very nice girl?” Earlier in this episode, when he tells Emmett about Goober’s interest in the bakery doyenne Emmett remembers: “Hey—you used to go with her, didn’t you, Howard?” “Yeah,” Howard smiles. “We were quite an item as they say in the columns, but…well, we decided it would never work out on a long-term basis, you know…” (Yeah, I’m sure that whole “living with your Mother” thing never entered into it.)
But those parties interested in the Howard-Millie saga must return to the halcyon days of The Andy Griffith Show, as their steamy romantic story is told in two episodes: “Howard’s Main Event” (10/16/67) and “Howard and Millie” (11/12/67). The latter episode is particularly amusing because it is revealed that Millie hails from Wheeling, West Virginia—she accepts Howard’s marriage proposal and the two of them, with Andy and Helen as best man and maid of honor, take a train trip to Wheeling where they’ll join her parents. At one point during the trip, Howard is meticulously planning the details of their honeymoon:
HOWARD: Okay…let’s run it up the flag pole and see how it sounds… (He takes out a pad of paper from his suit jacket)
MILLIE (giggly): Oh, I know it’s going to be wonderful…
HOWARD: Now, after the reception in Wheeling…we’ll catch the 4:45 for Morgantown, arriving at 6:08…just in time for a wash-up and a leisurely dinner and then…on out to their annual King Arthur Pageant… (To Andy and Helen) We’re lucky in hitting the right week for that…
Faithful TDOY readers have heard me speak often of my days in exile in
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