For those of you in the proximity of a Me-TV substation, The Second Greatest Channel Known to Mankind™ (ka-ching!) is planning to run a pair of Doris Day Show repeats back-to-back on Christmas Eve beginning at 10pm EST (that’s Tuesday, for those of you without a calendar handy). The second season Yuletide outing “A Two-Family Christmas” kicks the hour off, and that’s followed by “It’s Christmas Time in the City,” which aired in the third season. Of the two, “Christmas Time” provides the most laughs (you got Billy De Wolfe as Doris’ obnoxious neighbor doing his Grinch act, plus the always-welcome-at-TDOY Kaye Ballard). A special shout-out to TDOY cub reporter Tom Stillabower for reminding me of this special Me-TV present, by the way—and for those people who commented on the Me-TV Monitor blog post wanting the network to add Doris to their full-time lineup: you fools! You mad, crazy, irresponsible fools!
As the curtain comes up on “Buck’s Girl,” we see a man pull up at Webb Farms in a jeep…and he’s greeted by the Laird and Master of the vast estate, Buckley Webb (Denver Pyle), who shouts out to him “The heifer’s in the barn, Doc…I’ll get some hot water and be right there!” Wow! A very special Doris Day! The birth of a…baby cow or something. And in the role of the
…well, he has a few miles on him since we saw him last—but it’s none other than character great Walter Sande, who you might remember as Lt. “Red” Pennington from our Serial Saturdays presentation of Don Winslow of the Navy (1942).
Doris appears at the kitchen window seconds after her pop
gives Doc Carpenter (the name of Sande’s character) a hi-dy, and tells him
she’s got a pot of coffee going. When
the two men get out to the barn, we find out that there is actually no cow
great with calf (awwww) but just a little calf (Pauline) with a boo-boo on its front
leg.
BUCK: How is she, Doc?
DOC (searching in his bag): If I
ever find my glasses I’ll take a look
I can tell ya…
BUCK: Well, they’re where they’ve
been for the last forty years…right in front
of ya…
Indeed, they are hanging on the front of his shirt. While this might make a few of you worried that Carpenter is a bit incompetent, this is merely establishing that the man has difficulty taking care of himself…and will be referenced later on. (Sitcom foreshadowing—there’s nothing like it!)
DOC: Hey! That looks mighty good…
BUCK: It should…this…prescription you gave me for her is
costin’ me a fortune…
DOC: Oh, now—it’s not that bad…here…take some of this cotton
and take that…salve off…
Well, if we’re not going to have a pregnant cow on this show
let’s move on to more interesting items on the menu…
DOC: Hey, you been to the
barbershop lately?
BUCK: Now don’t you start that…
DOC: Start what?
BUCK: Like Doris…”Why don’t you get
your hair cut? Why don’t you get your
beard trimmed? You’re beginning to look
like an old dog…” It gets tiresome…
DOC: Well, that’s not quite what I
had in mind…you know, there’s more than just haircuts going on in that barber shop…
Sweet baby carrots!
Cotina’s more progressive than I thought. Doc asks Buck what the name “Verna McIntosh”
means to him, prompting Buck to joke: “Sounds like a female apple.” Verna McIntosh just happens to be the new
manicurist at the barber shop, and according to Doc, a similar practitioner of
the art of cuticle maintenance did very well in a neighboring town.
BUCK: Well, manicurists don’t catch
on in Cotina…
DOC: Oh, I don’t know…old man Tildy
over at First National got a manicure yesterday…
BUCK: Well, he’s the only man in
town that’s got boots that zip up the side…
And in the town of Cotina, that spells only one thing: M-E-T-R-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. As Doc and Buck roar with laughter,
reminiscing about the time Tildy got both pant legs caught in his boots, Doris
arrives in the barn with the coffee.
DOC: Bernie the barber in town got a manicurist…
DORIS (slyly): Oh, yeah…? (To Buck): Guess you’ll be going in for a
haircut soon, huh?
BUCK (sheepishly): Well, I…thought
I might go in and get it trimmed…
DORIS: Well, you don’t need one…
“So take a cold shower, you randy old bastard…”
BUCK: Well, it’s been two weeks!
DORIS: Would you listen to him! Usually he goes in every four months and then
I have to push him in the door…
BUCK: Whaddya think, Doc? Don’t you think I need a little…? (He turns
and points to the back of his hair)
“I think we could all
use a little. Are either of you two
familiar with the phrase… ménage à trois?”
DORIS: What’s her name?
BUCK (quickly): Verna…
DOC (just as quickly): McIntosh…
DORIS: Verna McIntosh…hmmm…
“Sounds like a female apple.” Well, let’s meet the actress essaying the
role of Verna the Manicurist—she’s none other than character actress Kay
Stewart…
Verna is summoned to attend to two customers—that would be
Doc (who’s in the chair getting a haircut) and Buck (who’s next)—by “Bernie”
the barber, who’s played by Paul Barselou, a small screen vet whose credits
include Dennis the Menace, Perry Mason, Hazel, My
Three Sons and The Wild Wild West. (He appears in several Bewitched episodes as the
bartender always befuddled by witchcraft in an otherwise rational world.)
BERNIE: Boys…this is Verna McIntosh, my manicurist…
“Boy! She’s quite a
cutie-cle!” (Ooh, I can see the
pitchforks and torches from all the way here in the castle.) Verna is pleased to meet both men, who adopt
the mannerisms of embarrassed schoolboys in her presence. Doc, sad old soul that he is, is at a
disadvantage because he’s being worked on by Bernie and is trapped in the
chair…leaving Buck “Rico Suavé” Webb to move about the shop freely and display
his Mad Jack charms.
VERNA: Did he say ‘Doc’? Are you really a doctor?
DOC: Uh…yes, ma’am…
BUCK (interrupting): Well, if you
got hoof-and-mouth disease, he is…
“I wish you had hoof-and-mouth
disease…”
DOC: Well, I’m a veterinarian…
VERNA: What a nice profession!
DOC: I like it…
VERNA: I love animals myself…
DOC: You do?
BUCK: I got a whole lot of them out
to the ranch…
“Mom! Lookit
here! Mom! Lookit!”
VERNA: I think you can always tell
a lot about a man the way he treats animals…
BUCK: Ain’t that the truth!
DOC: I’ve said that a hundred
times...
BOTH: Yeah…yeah…you have…
BERNIE: Maybe one of you boys would
like that manicure now?
Annnnnnd that’s where Buck makes his move, since Doc is
still trapped in the chair. He and Verna
go over to her station, and he gives her his right hand, asking: “Do you think
you can do anything with these?”
“You’ve got good strong hands,” she replies. “They ought to take a nice manicure.” But she points out that he should have it done more often, and he returns with the fact that they’ve not had a manicurist in the bustling metropolis known as Cotina for some time now. Doc turns in their direction and tries to participate in their conversation but Bernie forces Doc’s head back to its former position because haircut. A quick shift to another scene finds Buck and the Widow McIntosh strolling in the woods, where she’s telling him about growing up in the Midwest in a town called Harley (population: 400—saaaaalute!).
BUCK (as the two of them stroll): Verna…at
the risk of gettin’ nosy…how’s come you never remarried?
“I’ve remarried a number of times, Buckley. Oddly enough, they all passed away in the
first week due to peculiar circumstances…er, I mean, natural causes…”
VERNA: Marriage is something special to me, Buck…I need a man I can like as well as love…somebody I can laugh with…and give me a shoulder to cry on…if
I need it… (After a pause) Well, I know that’s a pretty big order but…
BUCK: Sure is…I don’t know anybody
around here that can measure up to that…
Well…maybe with the exception of Doc “Dipstick of Love”
Carpenter! A scene with Doc and Verna in
an undisclosed barn follows, as she helps the animal medico give a horse an
injection. I almost wish the horse were
Mister Ed, because when the doc finishes and says, “Now that wasn’t so bad—was
it?” the horse could crack: “Let me give you
a shot in the ass and then we’ll see!”
DOC: You really love animals, don’t you?
“You have no idea,
Doc…”
VERNA: Mm-hmm…
DOC: You know, sometimes I think if
we humans just turn the world back to the animals it would be a lot better
place to live in…
I, for one, would welcome our new animal overlords.
VERNA: I know what you mean…
DOC: I think you do…I’m glad you
came…
That’s what she said.
(Oh, did you honestly think I wouldn’t go there?)
VERNA: So am I… (She pats his hand
reassuringly)
DOC: We’re going to have to do this
more often…
VERNA: I’d love to!
Sweet Fancy Moses—tell me they didn’t do it in the barn…
“How’d you like to go back to town,” Doc begins. “We’ll go to the Pizza Pagoda and have some
of the best pepperoni you ever tasted.”
Okay, I’ll refrain from any more double entendre jokes but I will say
that you people who argue that New York pizza is the best or that Chicago is
superior have not truly enjoyed ‘za until you’ve eaten it in a fictional town
in California.
Well, the writer of this week’s episode (veteran scribe Carl
Kleinschmitt) either refrains from any more scenes in which the two rivals
romance Widder McIntosh or we lost those to syndication-mandated edits…because
in the next scene, as Buck and Doc check in on Buck’s calf, sh*t’s about to get
real. Doc is telling Buck how lucky he
is to have Doris and the boys to look after him, and Buck does acknowledge that
he is fortunate in that respect. “Well,
Doc,” interjects Buck, “If you’re that lonely, I might consider letting you
adopt Leroy.”
“Buck…I’m not that
lonesome,” responds Doc. This is the
pretty much the funniest line in the script, but there’s an added measure of
joy because this is also the first of four first season episodes that farmhand
Leroy B. Semple Simpson (James Hampton) does not appear.
DOC: Besides…old buddy…I’m gonna let you in on a little piece of news… (Chuckling) I…uh…found me a lady friend…
BUCK: You’re kiddin’!
DOC: I’m not kiddin’!
BUCK: Why, you old buzzard
you! (He vigorously shakes his hand)
Congratulations!
DOC: Thank you, Buck! And I want to tell you something—when we get
married, you are going to be my best
man!
BUCK: Well, I’d fight anybody else!
Hey, if there’s an open bar I could see me going to this.
BUCK: Isn’t that amazing…two old
geezers like us each findin’ themselves a woman…
DOC: Yeah, that… (He stops) You too? (Buck nods) No kiddin’,
Buck…Buck, congratulations… (They shake hands)
BUCK: Of course…I haven’t asked her
yet…but when I do, maybe we can get the preacher to give us a deal on a double ceremony!
DOC (laughing): Sure we can! Hey, Buck…Buck…tell me, Buck…who is she?
BUCK: You know her! Verna, the
manicurist at Bernie’s!
I’ll say he does…and in the you-know-what sense, too.
DOC: I don’t think that’s very
funny…
BUCK: What?
DOC: I don’t know how you found out
about Verna and me…but I don’t like jokin’
about it!
BUCK: Verna and you?
DOC: We better change the
subject…Verna is my lady friend…
“I’m even holdin’
hands with her, douchenozzle!” Well,
I probably don’t have to tell you what happens next—there’s an escalated war of
words, and the long friendship that these two cobwebbed-covered codgers have
had over forty years comes to an end. A
scene shift finds Buck furiously pounding out dents in a water trough, as Doris
and her brand-spanking-new domestic Juanita watch from the kitchen window.
JUANITA: Do you suppose Doc’s carrying on the same way?
DORIS: I wouldn’t doubt it…they’re
both acting like two kids…
JUANITA: Forty years of their
friendship…down the drain…
DORIS: Well, that’s what puzzles me…
JUANITA: What?
DORIS: Because my father says that
she’s such a wonderful woman…then why would she deliberately come between two
old friends?
Because she’s evil? (Evil!)
Doris’ hunch is that Verna may not even know there’s a rivalry going on,
prompting Juanita to ask: “You theenk?”
“I theenk,” replies Doris.
(Oh…classy, Dodo. Poke fun at
Juanita’s accent.) Well, Doris is convinced
that if she goes to have a talk with Verna the Black Widow the two of them
might be able to put a stop to all this nonsense. But before she does that…a word from
Ralston-Purina.
Back from commercial, we find our female apple asleep in a chair in front of a small portable TV…and I have to insert a little bit of editorial comment here: Casa del Verna looks like the sort of living space a struggling manicurist would live in. It’s a tiny, one room affair and once she lets Doris in she’ll make some coffee on an equally tiny stove; I say this not to mock her but to applaud the person who decided that this character would live within her means, and not stick her in some palatial manse the way some TV shows are tempted to do. Where was I? Oh, yes—knock at the door, Doris identifies herself…and action!
VERNA: You’re Buck’s daughter…oh, please come in…
DORIS: Miss McIntosh…I’d love to
talk with you…but if you’d rather do it another time…it’d be perfectly all
right…
VERNA: No…no, please come in…
DORIS: Are you sure now?
VERNA: I’d like you to…
(Doris enters the apartment, then
notices the TV is on)
DORIS: Oh…I’m interrupting your
television…
VERNA: As a matter of fact, it was
so good I dozed off…
“Something called Where
Were You When the Lights Went Out?” So
as Verna puts some coffee on her miniature stove, Doris gets down to brass
tacks.
DORIS: I know why you’re wondering
why…why I came over to see you…
VERNA: No…as a matter of fact, I
have a pretty good idea why you’re here…
“And I have all the subscriptions to the magazines I want,
thank you…”
DORIS: Then you know what’s going on at our house?
VERNA: I do indeed know what’s going on there…
DORIS: Miss McIntosh…
VERNA: Call me Verna…
Despite our suspicions that Verna is just a malevolent cock
tease who loves to have rubes fighting for her attentions, she’s really just at
odds on how to deal with this situation because she thinks both Buck and Doc
are “two of the finest men I’ve ever met.”
VERNA: I have to admit…it’s pretty flattering for a woman of my age to have two men fighting over her…
DORIS: Well, I can appreciate that…but still and all…
VERNA: Life is pretty funny…I mean,
you live alone for so long that you…get resigned to the fact…that you’re never
going to meet anyone again…I mean, let alone get married…and I come to Cotina…
“…and wham bam thank you ma’am—I’m a magnet for old coots in
heat!” Doris thinks Verna’s problem is
“a lovely dilemma to be in,” and that’s probably since the only male
companionship Doris has had was stud muffin Ubbie Puckum in the episode “The
Matchmakers.” So what will Verna
do? My first suggestion would be Thunderdome:
two men enter, one man leaves. But Doris
has decided that both men just need a little “push”…and sadly, it’s not off any
cliffs or anything. When Doris returns
to the farm, Buck is still pounding away on that water trough—he instructs her
to turn the lights off on the truck or she’ll run the battery down.
BUCK: Where ya been?
DORIS (taking Buck’s arm): Will you
stop that? You know, you’re going to waken the boys…what
are you doing with this thing anyway?
BUCK: Well, I…was makin’ a waterin’
trough…
DORIS: Oh…
BUCK: …kind of made a botch of it…
DORIS: Kind of made a botch of your
personal life, too…
Buck starts to get angry, thinking that Doris is referring
to his former friend Doc, but she explains that she’s referring to their mutual
friend Verna.
DORIS: While you and Doc are living
your own lives…I mean…what’s she
supposed to be doing?
BUCK: What are you talking about?
DORIS: You know darn well what I’m talking about…
Doris! You watch your
phraseology!
DORIS: Look, I don’t like doing
this—‘cause you’re usually the nosey
one in the family…but do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
BUCK: Shoot…
DORIS: Okay…how do you feel about
Verna?
Buck admits that he’s “fond” of her, but when Doris presses
him he gradually comes around to declaring that he loves her. Doc does, too—a situation that requires some
“heavy thinkin’,” which is why Buck has spent a good portion of this episode
banging on a watering trough.
DORIS: While you two are doing all that heavy thinking, Verna’s supposed to just kind of sit around and wait with bated breath? Is that right? (Buck has no response) Don’t you think you’re being kind of selfish?
BUCK (turning in Doris’ direction
to say something, then stops): Yeah…yeah, I am…
DORIS: Well…then why don’t you
swallow your pride…and go over and see your old friend Doc…and talk about
it? I think it’s time that you made a
decision…
BUCK: Like when you were a little
girl and couldn’t make a decision…I used to say “fish or cut bait, honey”…
DORIS: Mm-hmm…
BUCK: That’s what you’re tellin’ me
now…
DORIS: Mm-hmm…
BUCK: And you’re right…
Um, hello? Of course
she’s right! She’s Doris Freaking Day,
old man! Okay, let’s see if I can’t
speed some of this up: Buck goes over to talk with Doc about the Verna
Situation. He points out that while the
two of them have been “pawin’ the ground and bellerin’” neither of them have
allowed Verna a say in who she might want to marry.
DOC: Yeah, that’s right…we did kind
of forget that, didn’t we?
BUCK: I think I better warn ya…I
got a feelin’ it’s me…
DOC: Oh, is that so? Well, let me tell you something, Buck Webb—I…
BUCK: Now just calm down! I didn’t come
over here to start another fight! Now
just…
DOC: What did you come over here for then?
BUCK: To make a deal…
“You let me have Verna…and I’ll give you Pauline and your
choice of any six of my hens. And I’ll
throw in a slightly dented waterin’ trough as a bonus…”
BUCK: Now, Doc…you and me have
known each for…well, longer than I want to remember…now…let’s agree…that
whichever one she chooses…we stay friends…agreed?
DOC (smiling): Agreed, Buck… (They
shake hands)
BUCK: Boy, am I glad that’s over—it
was drivin’ me nuts!
Doc takes the time to get personal. “This is the first time I’ve ever been in
love,” he admits to Buck. “Funny part of
it is…I always thought I was leading a kind of a full life…taking care of my
animals…reading my books…golly, Buck…there’s a lot more to life than just books
and animals…”
BUCK: Sure is…
DOC: Point is…I never minded it until I met Verna…you know—she
went out to the Dillon place with me the other night while I treated that
colt…I guess I’ve been over that road…about maybe a thousand times…but just
havin’ her with me…I saw things I
never noticed before…
BUCK (nodding): A fellow will do
that…
DOC: Yeah…
This reflective moment is interrupted by coffee spilling over on Doc’s equally small stove, which fills his room with smoke. Buck chides his pal as being the most helpless man he’s ever known, and Doc admits that he needs a wife. “I sure hope you meant what you said about friendship,” Doc continues, “because when it comes to Verna…you’re gonna have an awful lot of competition!”
Well…no, he won’t.
Buck knows he’s studly enough to take Verna away far out in the woods
where civilization will essentially throw up its hands and say “Hell if I know
where he is”…thus allowing them to live like peaceable mountain man and
wife. But Buck is a good guy; he’s going
to step aside for his old pal Doc, and he explains to Verna on one of their
dates why:
BUCK: You know…we’ve been friends for a long time…
VERNA: I know…
BUCK: He’s a wonderful man…but he’s about the most helpless individual I’ve ever known…you know, the last time we went
up here fishing he forgot his pole… (Laughing) He did! He had to cut a willow stick…he really needs
someone to look after him…
VERNA: Most men do…
BUCK: Not like Doc…now take me…I’ve
got Doris and the boys…and Juanita to keep me company…
Notice that Leroy did not make the starting lineup.
BUCK: But Doc…he needs someone to look after him…care for
him…keep him pointed in the right direction…and…he’s the worst cook in the world…you ought to see what this man does to a TV dinner…
Verna understands…though why she doesn’t suggest they fob
Juanita off on him because apparently all Doc needs is a friggin’ maid goes
undiscussed. Instead, a scene dissolve
finds Buck back at the ranch and waking Doris out of a sound sleep for a
heart-to-heart.
BUCK: Looks like there’s going to be a wedding soon…
DORIS: Whose? Tell me before I explode…
BUCK: It’s Doc…
DORIS: No kidding… (After a pause)
Well…how do you feel about that?
BUCK: Well, I…went over to see him,
you know…
DORIS: Yeah…
BUCK: When I saw him fumbling
around over there…burnin’ his TV dinners and about everything else in
sight…I…decided to tell Verna that she better marries him before he destroys himself…
Buck is
awesome! “All my life you’ve been about
ten feet tall,” confides Doris. “And you
know something? You haven’t shrunk an
inch.”
And that’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.
Okay, let’s get a coda on this thing so I can put together
the screen caps—my DVD ROM drive has officially gone tits up, and I’ll have to
use the laptop. Doris and Buck are
discussing the future of Doc and Verna—they’ve set a wedding date, and it will
come as no surprise that Verna has quit her job because she will now be Doc’s
chief-cook-and-bottle-washer. (And now
men and women will roam Cotina without proper nail care. Just before the time there’s a headline in The Cotina Chronicle:
“Veterinarian Dies of Mysterious Causes.”)
BUCK: Do you know where that old
geezer’s takin’ her on the honeymoon?
DORIS: Where?
BUCK: Disneyland!
DORIS: Well, what’s wrong with
Disneyland? Oh, she’ll have a ball…
BUCK: Well, she might…but Doc will
probably spend most of his time in the lost children’s station…
And speaking of lost children, Doris’ hopped-up-on-sugar offspring, Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Tod Starke), haven’t been in the bulk of this episode so they get to do an alleged comedy bit at the end in which Billy leads a horse carrying Toby out of the barn…with Toby facing the wrong way. It is explained that they’re teaching “Jennifer” to get used to being mounted from the right side…and when Doris asks why, they have no other explanation than to mug and look cute. “Don’t look at me,” warns Doris to Buck, “they’re your grandsons.” (I’d get a DNA test on that, Buckaroo.)
Walter Sande will return to the show for one more appearance
as Doc Carpenter in an episode entitled “The Tournament” (and that’s a
Leroy-heavy episode, so you have been warned)…and two additional episodes after
that. He’s promoted to an actual human
being doctor in the second season “Today’s
World Catches the Measles,” and plays “Head Santa” in a bizarre fourth
season Yuletide romp, “Whodunnit, Doris.”
(This is the Christmas episode I wish Me-TV were running, because it
features—hull hull!—Charles Nelson Reilly.)
Kay Stewart also returns for three more Doris go-rounds: in “The Con
Man,” though she’s billed at the IMDb as “Committeewoman #1,” she’s really
reprising her role as Verna (she’s asked how Doc is doing); and later in “Doris
the Spy” (third season) and “Anniversary Gift” (fifth season).
Next time on Doris Day(s): oh, it pains me to
promote this one…but Leroy gets a visit from some of his Semple Simpson relatives—one
of which is played by a character great who was legendary for his mastery of
dialects, and the other just starting to make a name for himself on the
season’s #1 television show. A synopsis
at the IMDb for this episode: “Leroy's relatives visit him at the farm, and
Doris and the family discover, to their horror, that compared to the rest of
his family Leroy is actually the smart one.”
(That alone will be funnier than what’s presented here, but I do hope
you join me.)
