OUR STORY SO FAR: Jim Benton and his Death Valley Riders begin operating the re-discovered “Lost Aztec” mine, owned jointly by Mary and Jim.
Wolf and his outlaws
repeatedly harass them, under instructions from Joseph Kirby and Rance Davis.
Kirby, determined to
get control of the mine, has placed among Jim’s employees some of his
cut-throats, who install faulty cribbing in the main shaft.
Jim and Tombstone,
becoming suspicious, make a personal inspection of the shaft and…
Here’s what I love about this serial: I start laughing from
the moment the recap crawl appears in each chapter. “Wolf and his outlaws repeatedly harass
them”—that is hooty. “Go away, you rough
boys…and stop taunting us. Or I’ll tell
Mother on you.”
Anyway, last week we saw Jim Benton (Dick Foran) and his pal Tombstone (Buck Jones) plummet down a mine shaft, which concluded with the most unconvincing special effect in the history of serials: a couple of dolls having wood planks dropped on top of them.
Mary (Jean Brooks), hearing the sound of two action figures crashing to the floor of the mine, immediately rushes to where the unconscious body of the cage operator lies, and then she runs over to the shaft, calling for help from Pancho (Leo Carrillo), Tex (Glenn Strange) and Borax Bill (Guinn “Big Boy” Williams). The three men sprint over, and are soon joined by the other workers—including the polecat responsible for Jim and Tombstone’s rapid descent into the earth, Buck “Kirby Employee of the Month” Hansen (Ed Payson). A rope is quickly found, and Tex is lowered into the shaft to check on his friends.
As Borax and the others lower Tex down, Borax decides that this is the proper time to hurl a racially-tinged insult at Pancho: “Hey, you Spanish rice eater! Why don’t you come over here and exercise somethin’ besides your jaw!” Pancho lobs a retort in his rapidly-getting-tiresome broken English—sadly, it does not sound remotely like “Bite me, gringo!”
Tex reaches the bottom of the mine and pulls away some of the timbers covering Jim and Tombstone. “Hey, up there!” he calls out. “They’re both alive!” (“They just fell on top of a couple of action figures!”) An optical wipe later, and all three men are brought to the surface. As Jim brushes the dust off of his dungarees, he has a few words to say to the duplicitous Hansen:
HANSEN: So what?
JIM: Well, it wasn’t put in
right…it’s wrecked…
HANSEN: Are you accusing me of wreckin’ it?
JIM: I’m accusing you of a lot of
unnecessary delay and expense around here…and I’m not sure you didn’t have a hand in that!
HANSEN: I don’t take that kind of
talk from anybody, Benton…
“So I say good day to you, sir. I said good
day!” Actually, Jim is way ahead of
Buck on this one: “Well, I don’t hire men who seem to be working against me…get out!”
Buck decides to light out…but not before connecting on the
button to Benton’s jaw with his mighty fist.
Tombstone, observing the pre-melee activities, jumps on top of Hansen
before Jim tells him to stand down—“This is my fight!”
“Hangin’ around all this time waitin’ for some excitement and this is what happens!” grumbles Tombstone as he sits on the ground. As Jim and Buck scrap, Pancho does color commentary—with the sort of excited Spanish that Ricky Ricardo always used when his crazy redheaded wife got into trouble. (“Hey!” complains Borax. “Speak English so I know what you’re callin’ him!”) Finally, having vanquished his foe, Jim orders him to make like a tree and leave. “Tex, you and Borax see that all the rest of the agitators leave camp,” he tells his friend.
“Alligators?” asks Pancho.
“Agitators,” corrects Borax—but he tells his nemesis not to worry about
being rounded up by Jim’s makeshift la
migra: “You’re just a nuisance.”
JIM: Well, I’m not worried about
it…if we get to him in time I can have him renew it…
TOMBSTONE: Let’s get into Panamint…
JIM: Come on…
Ah, Panamint. (“Now
with 27% less rats in the hotel!”) Not
only do we see the same stock shot of the town with the guy still smoking his
pipe, but footage of second-in-command Rance Davis (Monte Blue) entering the
saloon and asking third-in-command Dan Gordon (William Hall) if Joseph Kirby
(James Blaine) is in his office is judiciously recycled. (I swear, it’s the exact same scene because I
went back to Chapter
8 and looked at it myself.) Davis is
granted entrance into Kirby’s sanctum
sanctorum.
KIRBY: What’s on your mind, Davis?
DAVIS: Buck Hansen just got in from
the Lost Aztec Mine…
KIRBY: Everything all right?
DAVIS: Our plan to get rid of
Benton and gain control of the mine didn’t pan out…
KIRBY: They wrecked the mine,
didn’t they?
DAVIS: Yes…but Benton escaped
without a scratch…he’s sure lucky…
KIRBY: No…it isn’t luck…it’s brains…
Trust me on this one, Joey.
It’s luck.
DAVIS: He and his Death Valley
riders are headed into Panamint…Hansen spotted ‘em…
KIRBY: Hmm…on their way to the
bank, I suppose…to get more money…fix up the mine and continuing operations…
DAVIS: Hogan won’t give him any
more money till Benson pays up his note…
KIRBY (brightening): That’s an
idea… (He reaches into his suit pocket and pulls out some note paper) Benton’s
note is almost due…he’ll try to get Hogan to renew it…I can stop that…
DAVIS: I hope you’re right…
KIRBY: I’ll take Gordon with me…you get over to the marshal’s, tell
him to come over to the bank…on some excuse…oh, to write a check or
something…just in case I have any trouble with Hogan…
And so getting up from his desk and grabbing his black hat,
Kirby allows another optical wipe to set the scene at Panamint’s leading financial
institution, presided over by the world’s worst bank president, Lafe Hogan
(Jack Clifford)…
HOGAN: Well, that’s easy…give it to
me and I’ll get it for you… (He stops once Kirby has handed him the check) I…
KIRBY: What’s the matter,
Hogan? The check’s good, isn’t it?
HOGAN: Yes, but…thirty thousand?
“I’m putting in an arboretum in the saloon.”
HOGAN: I know, but…I have to keep
the money working by making loans…
KIRBY: Then you haven’t the funds
to cover your accounts?
HOGAN: Well, not on hand…but I can
get it for you, if you give me a little time…it’s all in gilt-edged securities…
“I have some life insurance, Mr. Potter…a fifteen thousand
dollar policy…”
KIRBY: What securities?
HOGAN: Well…principally notes…
KIRBY: Whose notes?
HOGAN: Well…this is hardly regular,
Kirby, but…notes from men like Judge Knox…Doc Murphy…Jim Benton…Bill Winters…
KIRBY: How much is Bill Winters’
note?
HOGAN: Ten thousand…
KIRBY: Mm-hmm…I’ll take it…how much
is Jim Benton’s note?
HOGAN: Why…twenty thousand…
“Did you hear that, Dan? Twenty thousand simolians…how fortuitous that ten thousand and twenty thousand add up to thirty…”
KIRBY: I’ll take that, too…
HOGAN: Well, I’ll give you Winters’
notes…but I won’t give you Benton’s…
KIRBY: Why?
HOGAN: Well…it’d be kinda like selling Benton out…
And you wouldn’t be selling Winters out? (I don’t know
what this Winters guy did to Lafe, but he clearly does not have an ally in his
friendly neighborhood banker.)
KIRBY: What’s the difference who holds Benton’s note? (Menacingly)
You’ll sell me Jim Benton’s note, Hogan…or have a run on your bank! I know a lot of depositors who’d get mighty
scared if I was to let ‘em know you didn’t have the cash to cover their
accounts…
HOGAN: You don’t leave me much
choice—do you, Kirby?
KIRBY: None at all…
“Just the kind of douchebag I am, I guess.” So as Hogan gets up from his desk to get Kirby the notes while pondering whether or not he could make a good living running a delicatessen, we cut to the same familiar stock footage of Benton and the Death Valley gang pulling into Panamint.
JIM (to Borax Bill): You folks go down to the store and get loaded up with supplies—I’ll be at the bank…
PANCHO: You better tole Borax not
to drink too much of that tequila!
BORAX: I’m on the wagon!
Get it? He drove a wagon into town, but he’s also sworn off
spirits, and they often describe that as—okay, we’ll fix it in the editing. The scene shifts back to Hogan’s office, and
Lafe hands Kirby precisely what he came for—telling him once again that while
screwing Bill Winters is no skin off his nose (“Winters is merely a simple dirt
farmer and can do nothing for me,” you almost expect him to say) he feels as if
he’s betraying Jim. An unidentified
cashier enters Hogan’s office to let him know that Benton is waiting outside to
see him. “Tell him to wait a moment,”
Hogan tells his man.
“I don’t want him to see us here,” Kirby tells Hogan after
the cashier leaves the office, and he gets up from his chair to exit through a
side door with Gordon. “I don’t either,”
replies Lafe—which did make me titter.
(“I can’t have him passing judgment on me just because I have to associate
with you wankers…”) Kirby and Gordon
decide to pause outside the door to listen to Hogan’s conversation with Jim.
HOGAN: Glad to see ya…how’s
everything at the mine?
JIM: Well…not so good…we ran into a
little trouble, it might delay us a couple of weeks…
HOGAN: Well, I’m sorry to hear
that…
JIM: Oh, it’s nothing serious that
we can’t fix…but I’m afraid I’ll have to take you up on your offer to renew the
note…
Kirby and Gordon exchange knowing looks outside the back
door entrance.
JIM: You haven’t lost confidence in
the mine?
HOGAN: Oh, no…it isn’t that…
JIM: Lafe…it’s not me…?
HOGAN: I hate to tell you this,
Jim…but I don’t hold the note any longer… (Quietly) I sold it…
JIM: Sold it? What for?
“These thirty pieces of silver. Ain’t they pretty? Look at the way they shine when the sun
catches them just right…”
HOGAN: Listen, Jim…I’m a banker…
“…not a bricklayer.
Though the way things are headed right now…”
HOGAN: …and if I want to dispose of
any securities I hold, I have a perfect legal right to do so…
JIM: I don’t question that, Hogan…but you certainly put Miss Morgan and me in a nice spot—who’d
you sell it to?
HOGAN: Joe Kirby…
“Well…you and Kirby have gotten together, huh?” asks Jim in
an accusatory manner. “I couldn’t help
myself, Jim!” pleads Hogan…and it’s about this time that a pistol emerges from
a crack in the back entrance doorway…
…Jim has his back to the six-shooter, and he’s still wound up about learning that Hogan has sold the note for a mess of pottage. “…let me tell you something, Hogan,” he threatens the banker. “I know where I can get that money and I’m gonna get it right now! If you and Kirby think you can rob me of that mine you’re crazy!”
Jim slams his hand down on the desk for emphasis…and that’s when a gunshot rings out, eliminating the unnecessary character known as Bad Banker Logan. Both Gordon and Kirby beat a hasty retreat out an open window as Jim tries to get the locked door open. Jim shoots at the door and swings it open wildly…but the two villains have fled the scene. As Jim returns to the fallen Hogan…aw, doggone it—the law (William Pagan) would pick this time to show up…
MARSHAL (examining Hogan, then
noticing Jim holstering his gun): I’ll take that gun, Benton… (Jim hands him
his weapon, and the lawman sniffs the barrel) Just been fired…why did you kill
him?
JIM: I didn’t kill him, Marshal!
And while you’re wasting all this time (he points in the direction of
the back entrance) the killers are getting away!
MARSHAL: Well, the evidence is mighty strong against you… (He grabs
Jim’s arm)
TOMBSTONE: Sez you!
Tombstone appears in the doorway. “Keep your persuader, Jim—I don’t like the smell of this.” (Well, that’s probably because Kirby was in the office—someone really should open a window.) But before Jim and Tombstone can get the hell out of Panamint, Kirby, Gordon and two others enter with guns drawn. “Disarm ‘em, marshal,” orders Gordon as the corrupt lawman bleats: “Thanks, gents.”
The scene shifts to the Panamint Jail, which has just
registered two new guests that will be enjoying the bounty of the county.
TOMBSTONE (as he paces in the cell): You certainly got your feet wet this time…they bring a murder charge against you, and they’re holding me for assisting a fugitive from justice—how do you like it?
JIM: Well, it won’t do you any good
to get excited…
TOMBSTONE (yelling): Who’s gettin’ excited?!!
Outside Panamint’s drinking establishment—colloquially known
as Ron & Terry’s First-Aid Station—Wolf Reade (Charles Bickford), this
serial’s resident badass, is well aware that we’re thirteen minutes into this
thing and he and his gang have not been asked to “repeatedly harass” our heroes. So he has decided to operate on his own
initiative…
WOLF (as a crowd spills out of the
saloon): What are we waitin’ for? Let’s
yank ‘em out of there and string ‘em up…
“Anybody got any string?”
DAVIS: Now wait a minute…hold on
here…this is a serious thing, taking
the law into your own hands…
BUTCH: Well, Benton took the law
into his own hands, didn’t he!
Let the record show that Butch (Lon Chaney, Jr.) obtained
his law degree from some place on the back of a matchbook he found in Ron &
Terry’s.
WOLF: I’m for givin’ ‘em what they deserve!
RUSTY: Lafe Hogan was our friend!
TRIGGER: He shot him down in cold
blood!
WOLF: Let’s cut out the gab…come on…
Oh, this is not going to go well. Wolf and a mob that’s turned ugly—which
believe you me, wasn’t much of a turn to start with—head toward the jail as
Borax and Tex watch from a safe distance.
TEX: Yeah…
BORAX: We gotta get Jim and
Tombstone out of that jail somehow…
TEX: We sure have…because with the
marshal on Kirby’s side they ain’t
gotta a chance…
BORAX: We’ll get ahold of Pancho and
see what we can do…
Hoo boy. The crowd
outside the jail starts to swell in number, and inside the jail…
JIM: Kirby’s dealin’ these cards
and we gotta sit in the game and wait for a break…
TOMBSTONE: Yeah, and I got a hunch
he’s dealin’ ‘em off the bottom…
Outside near the wagon and horses, Pancho sings a Spanish
song and is met by Borax and Tex. My
first question is—where is Mary while all this is going on? (My other question is what the heck happened
to Smokey [Noah Beery, Jr.]—is he working a case with Rockford?)
PANCHO: You see Jim someplace…no?
BORAX: No!
TEX: Kirby’s men are startin’ a
necktie party for Jim and Tombstone…they’re on their way to the jail now!
PANCHO: Yes…we must not let them do
this thing!
BORAX: That’s right! But how are the three of us gonna stop ‘em?
Well, that’s the $64 question…and because the scribes on
this serial—Sherman L. Lowe, George H. Plympton, Basil Dickey and Jack
O'Donnell—wanted to get in nine holes before the end of the day, they allow
Pancho to concoct something idiotic that he apparently used to good effect one
time in Mexico. Pancho asks Borax to
unload the wagon they just loaded, and as Wolf and Company get closer to the
hoosegow, Jim is starting to crack from the pressure:
JIM: What could have happened to
Pancho…and Tex…and Borax? We should have
heard from them a long…
TOMBSTONE: Listen…listen…don’t get excited…
And now…here’s Pancho’s cunning plan:
PANCHO: You take the little powder
barrels and you soak them in the oil…then you light them with a match and put
them on the end of your rope…twirl them round your head like that and into the
crowd…the crowd will get scared and run away!
Do you understand?
BORAX: No…do you?
Hell, he lost me when he said something about trying to tie
a rope around a powder barrel on fire.
Well, that’s their plan and they’re stuck with it…so they drive the
wagon in the direction of the jail (with Pancho directing Tex to inform Jim and
Tomb of their infallible scheme) as Wolf, his men and a few townspeople arrive
for a good ol’ Saturday night lynching.
But worry ye not, TDOY
faithful—our heroes have the law on our side…
JIM: Give us our guns back and we’ll stop ‘em!
MARSHAL: No…I can’t do that…
TOMBSTONE: Maybe you don’t wanna stop ‘em!
MARSHAL: That’ll be enough out of you…
The marshal heads out to greet the crowd, and Tombstone asks
his partner: “Did I say something to make him mad?”
Jim shoots him a look that would do Oliver Hardy proud. “Naw, he’s just touchy…” Now, outside the jail—and I don’t know if you can make them out in this above screen cap (another edition of Mostly Dark Theater™—thanks to my BBFF Stacia) but there’s a couple of women out there in the crowd amongst the sh*tkickers…and when I first saw this I remarked to myself: “Those are some seriously bloodthirsty dames.” Tex makes it to one of the windows in the jail:
TEX: Jim! Tombstone!
TOMBSTONE (looking around): Am I
hearing things?
(The two men finally catch sight of
Tex)
TEX: Listen…we got a wagon up the
street…when that mob breaks in here to take you out…this is what we’re gonna
do…
Finally, the marshal addresses the unruly mob.
WOLF: Step aside, marshal…we’re
takin’ those killers outta there…
MARSHAL: Oh, no you’re not…
“I may have to issue each and every one of you citations!”
WOLF: I’m givin’ you just thirty seconds to get out of the way!
MARSHAL: I haven’t lost a prisoner
yet and I’m not losing one now!
UGLY MOB: Get him!
Several men grab the marshal and treat him very roughly as
the rest of the crowd disappears into the jail.
Pancho, Tex and Borax Bill set Operation What-the-Front-Yard? in motion,
by twirling flaming barrels like this…
…I’m amazed they didn’t set themselves on fire, by the way. Bill and Tex drop the barrels outside the jail and apparently they are enough to frighten the crowd (“Fire bad!”) to the point where as Jim and Tomb are being led outside, they punch out a couple of members of the mob and race to where Pancho is hauling ass down the main drag in the wagon. Wolf looks at the flaming barrels, and gets this expression on his face (once again, apologies for the crappy screen grab)…
BUTCH: Wolf! Them kegs didn’t have no powder in ‘em—they
was empty!
WOLF: Yeah, I know…they made monkeys
out of us…round up the boys…
“And tell those idiots to stop flinging poo!” Well, I can cut to the quick on this one
because the remaining two minutes in Chapter 9 is essentially footage of Jim,
Tombstone, Bill, Tex and Pancho racing to…well, wherever, with Wolf and his
gang in hot pursuit. At one point during
the chase, Jim tells Tomb and Pancho to grab a couple of the horses pulling the
wagon and ride off by their lonesome…
1 comment:
make a personal inspection of the shaft
HA!
“Anybody got any string?”
DYING.
These are always good but this recap so far is my favorite. Absolutely hilarious.
Somewhere there is a grown man still disappointed that the Riders of Death Valley action figures never came to pass.
P.S. That wagon going over the world's shortest cliff was used in Raiders of Ghost City. Sure got their money worth out of that shot, they did.
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