Doris Day(s) #7: “Leroy B. Semple Simpson” (11/19/68, prod. no #8503)

Yes, friends and neighbors—it’s Monday, and once again Thrilling Days of Yesteryear presents its continuing dissection of the underwhelming television classic The Doris Day Show—or what we like to call here Doris Day(s).  (Sorry about the preemption last week, by the way.)  This week’s episode was written by Sid Morse, who was the series’ story editor in its first bucolic season until the producers woke up one day and realized: Sid was not particularly funny.   (Sid had a few Andy Griffith Show episodes among his writing credits, which I guess made him the ideal candidate for Doris’ program—though I can’t believe Mayberry R.F.D. let him get away.)

In the opening scene, The Widow Martin and her soon-to-be-fired housekeeper, Aggie Thompson (Fran Ryan) are pulling loaves of hot bread out of the oven—which is highly unusual, since most of the time they’re baking it’s some calorie-laden treat for her hopped-up-on-sugar children.  Doris takes a deep whiff of the bread and then starts to laugh.

AGGIE: Mind telling me what the joke is?

“I was just picturing you standing in line at the Cotina County Department of Labor…”

DORIS: Smelling fresh bread always reminds me of the first time we met Leroy…remember?

AGGIE (staring off into space): Leroy B. Simpson…

This episode really is odd because it’s essentially an extended flashback—the wavy screen starts to kick in after Aggie’s line and we wind up in the kitchen again as the two women pull the bread out of the oven.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I were Dodo and had planned to reminisce on my self-titled sitcom, it would probably be something involving my family; say, the birth of either of my two sons, Billy (Philip Brown) or Toby (Tod Starke) or the first time I moved back after living in the city for many years.  That there’s a flashback to when the family hired the doofus farmhand (James Hampton) suggests to me that this may have been the pilot for the show and then someone thought better and scheduled it instead for later, adding the opening “remember” sequence.

DORIS: Fresh bread has got to be one of the great smells of all time, right?

AGGIE: Mm-hmm…that and babies…

DORIS: Speaking of babies—have you seen the short one and his brother lately?

AGGIE: Not since school…they just dropped their books and ran…

DORIS (handing her an empty pan): Here you are…one whiff of this and they’ll be here…

Aggie looks out the kitchen window and motions for “Do” to come over and have a look.  (She gets to call her “Do” because she hasn’t been fired yet.)  The two women observe Doris’s father, Buck Webb (Denver Pyle), as he attempts to sneak up on a crow by clobbering it with a rock.  The crow takes flight, and Buck heaves the rock…

…well, that could have happened to anybody.  (I just hope it wasn't the one up on blocks.) But it’s Pyle’s Oliver Hardy-like facial reaction that made me laugh hard…

…that and the fact this scene reminds me of my mother’s continuing battle with the crows that are abundant around Rancho Yesteryear, where she has threatened—and this is a direct quote—to “shove a broomstick up their ass.”  (On occasion, my mother adopts the social graces of Ruth Gordon from all those Clint Eastwood orangutan movies.)

DORIS: You know—I can’t convince him that crow does less damage than he does with those rocks…

AGGIE: He won’t believe that bird’s smarter than he is…

The two of them hear the front door slam and realize that young William and Tobias have returned from their childlike japes and are ready to chow down on some homemade bread before a hearty supper of chocolate éclairs and licorice whips.

TOBY: Grandpa broke another window!

DORIS: You’re kidding!

AGGIE: How many does that make?

DORIS: Three…

TOBY: Four!

BILLY: And the window in the shed…

DORIS: Now when did that happen?

BILLY: Just this morning while you were making breakfast…

Li’l Toby asks his mother for two pieces of bread…and while Doris has initial concerns that such a repast might spoil his dinner, his brother assures Mother Martin that the kid will be hungry.  So armed with extra bread (and I’m not joking about this—they spread butter and sugar on each piece; Paula Deen is probably having an orgasm somewhere) and a glass of milk, the two rapscallions head off to the barn…

…to share their snackage with a tramp in the hayloft.  No, don’t be frightened—it’s only Leroy B. Simpson.  (Did you actually think a homicidal hobo would be written into this story just to do away with these insufferable kids?  As is our mantra here at TDOY—we simply aren’t that lucky.  And besides, Doris has another plan to rid herself of these rugrats…but I’m a few seasons ahead of myself here.)

LEROY: Well…it looks mighty fine, boys…much obliged… (After a pause) Wait a minute…you…you’re sure this is okay?  I mean…you didn’t steal this or anything, did you?

BILLY: Heck no—Mom gave it to us!

TOBY: Yeah…we’re not allowed to steal…

LEROY: I bet your daddy’s real proud of you…

TOBY: We don’t have a daddy…

BILLY: We only have a mom…

And pretty soon you won’t even have that…oh, there I go getting ahead of things again—sorry about that.  The cheese-loving Toby then pesters Leroy to tell more tales about his Uncle Buster, who according to the transient “was just about the biggest and strongest man in Choctaw County.”  Because they are children, the Martin kids soon start bickering among themselves—fortunately, Leroy shames them into making up after frightening them with the knowledge that “Uncle Buster” takes a dim view of such activities and won’t bring them any presents on Redneck Eve.

LEROY: Uncle Buster was real strong on kin…he used to say there ain’t nothin’ closer than two brothers…he used to say any little fellow can start an argument—but it takes a big fellow to say I’m sorry… (He continues to strum his guitar)

BILLY (quietly): I’m sorry…

TOBY: Me, too…

LEROY: That’d make Uncle Buster real proud…

Group hug, everybody!  Well, Leroy entertains the kids with a chorus of Ke-Mo Ki-Mo (The Magic Song), the tune Doris and the gang sang during the coda of “The Uniform”—and then Toby gets misty:

TOBY: I wish Leroy could stay here with us all the time—don’t you, Billy?

BILLY: That’d be super…but you know Grandpa…Grandpa says there isn’t enough work around here to take on a hired hand…

LEROY: Oh, that’s all right, Billy…

“I’ll be murdering you and your family in your beds by slashing your throats with a bread knife later on, anyway.”

BILLY: Wait a minute—I got an idea!  You know how sometimes Grandpa puts things off?

TOBY: Like when he wants to go fishing?

BILLY: If Leroy could do some of those things…Grandpa sure would be happy…

TOBY: And he’d hire him!

Because that’s always the way it works in real life!  Leroy thinks this is a great idea, so he asks the kids “what needs doin’?”  Billy tells Leroy that the electric pump needs looked at because it’s always malfunctioning.  “You know about electricity, Leroy?” asks young Toby.

“Sure—can’t be nothin’ to fixin’ a little ol’ pump,” brags Leroy.  So the repairman and his two charges (sorry about that) head out of the barn, and the scene shifts to Buck, who is assembling a scarecrow amidst the crops being filched by the crow population.  Aggie wanders by to ask where the kids are but finds herself fascinated with the Laird and Master’s handiwork.

BUCK: Whaddya think?

AGGIE: I think you’re too old to be playing with dolls…

BUCK: That’s no doll!

AGGIE: Could have fooled me…

BUCK: Seems like even a city girl would know a scarecrow when she sees one…

AGGIE: Would you believe in all the years I lived in New York I never saw one scarecrow on Fifth Avenue…?

BUCK: Very funny…very funny…

Oh—who am I to rain on this man’s parade?  As you’ve already guessed, Project Scarecrow has been designed to rid Buckley of that meddlesome crow that’s responsible for all the broken windows about the place…but Aggie has issued her no-confidence veto: “One look at that—that crow will probably laugh itself to death.”  (Well, not if he’s watching this episode he won’t.)

The scene shifts to inside Rancho Webb, where our subplot is being set up in the form of Doris hunting for a piece of jewelry by turning over chair cushions—a little gold heart given to her by Billy and Toby.  Buck has come into the house looking for a coat with which to adorn his scarecrow.

BUCK: Where’d you have it last?

DORIS: I wore it last night when I went to dinner with Matt…

Matt, eh?  And who’s this Matt when he’s not tending bar?  (By the way, if any of you out there are like me and figured out where the episode was headed with the introduction of this plot point, please fold your hands and place them on your desk so as not to disturb everyone else.)

BUCK:  Well, maybe it dropped on the floor of the restaurant…

DORIS: Nope…I called…nobody turned it in…

BUCK: It’s bound to be here somewhere…

DORIS: Oh, I hope so—you know, the boys gave me that…I’d sure hate to lose it…

BUCK: It’ll show up…

DORIS: Hey, I wonder if I dropped it in the car?

Like in the vicinity of the back seat, you little minx?  Doris decides to call this “Matt” to find out as Buck heads out to the kitchen to make a sandwich.  And outside where the electric pump sits, Billy and Toby watch professional engineer Leroy repair the pump for Grandpa.  There is some crosscutting back to Buck in the kitchen, preparing his sandwich (by going to that gi-normous fridge of theirs I like) and then it’s back to Leroy.

BILLY: Fix it?

LEROY: Oh, yeah…it was just a little ol’ short…and while I was under there, I did some general rewiring…

“Hi!  My name is…” (Looks at name tag) “Leroy B. Simpson…I was but a mere drifter until I took classes at The Emmett Clark School of Repair…it literally changed my life…”

LEROY: …I figure that might impress your Grandpa…

BILLY: That’s a good idea, Leroy!

TOBY: Yeah, a good idea!

What are you, a f**king parrot?  “Well,” says Leroy, “I guess we’re ready to turn the juice on.”  Toby beams: “Boy, is Grandpa gonna be surprised!”

You serrit, kiddo.  Muck from the garbage disposal spits out all over Buck inside the kitchen.  The bread for his sandwich sails out of the toaster.  A radio loudly plays a Sousa march…and Buck’s attempt to unplug it creates this R.F.D. moment…

…you know—now would be a good time for a commercial break courtesy of Ralston-Purina.

Back from commercial, Buck sits in a chair on the front porch and watches through the open kitchen window as Aggie and Doris serve vagabond Leroy some victuals.  Lots of victuals.  Doris steps outside.

BUCK: That boy is phenomenal!

DORIS: That boy is hungry…

BUCK: He’s like a baby robin!  He’s on his third helping…

DORIS: Well—so…

BUCK: …and after he tried to electrocute me!

Doris kind of glosses over the fact that Leroy did kinda sorta try to kill her dad by dismissing it as an accident, but Buck cuts her off: “That boy is an accident, that’s what—just lookin’ for someplace to happen!  Well, it’s not gonna happen here!”

DORIS (as the two of them walk around to the front porch): Now I want you to give Leroy a chance…

BUCK: A chance to do what?  Finish me off?

DORIS: What?  Come on, now…boy, you really aren’t being fair…I’ve never seen you like this…

BUCK (grabbing a chair as he sits down): How’s come all of a sudden I’ve got to be fair to the likes of him?

DORIS: Leroy is a fine young man…he needs a family and he needs a job…

BUCK: Not from me, he don’t…

DORIS: You know, the boys thought that you were going to be so happy about him fixing that pump and you…you…all you did was squawk about it!

BUCK: So—the boys thought wrong…

“I’ve been meanin’ to tell you, daughter—them kids ain’t too bright.”  Doris, who’s apparently just finished reading the best-selling help book written by my mother—Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!—tells her pop the kids will be disappointed “because they like him…and so do I.”  (You know, Dor—you’re every bit to blame for this situation.  Maybe Matt should come calling more often.)

BUCK: Those boys also love puppies and guppies and birds and…just about anything else that moves…

Um…yeah.

DORIS: So do I…and so do you…

BUCK: Well… (After a pause) Girl, you don’t know anything about this boy!

DORIS: All I know is that he is lonely…

“And I am, too…it’s been so long…”

BUCK: How do you know he’s not some kind of a…crook?

DORIS: A what?

BUCK: How do you know he didn’t steal your little gold heart?

“Because he’s already stolen my real one.  It’s been so long, Dad…”  She’s gonna have him busting up a chifferobe before this thing is over.  The two of them go a couple of rounds on whether or not the vagrant is a thief, and Buck finally concedes defeat in the face of Doris’s ‘he-isn’t-I-just-know-it” defense:

BUCK: You’re the spittin’ image of your momma…every time she couldn’t find a reason for something, she just knew…all right…all right…but I think you’re makin’ a big mistake…  (Doris gives him a kiss on the cheek) Give him a message for me—just tell him to keep his hands plumb away from my machinery!

Well…whatever works for ya, big guy.  A scene shift finds Buck sneaking out of the barn holding a pair of field glasses as his two grandsons look on in curiosity.  Buck makes his way to a fence, where he focuses in on Leroy toiling away hammering fence posts.

BILLY: Why was you watchin’ him, Grandpa?

BUCK: Well…what makes you think I was watchin’ him?

TOBY: It looked like you was watchin’ him…

BUCK: Well…I was…uh…weren’t you two supposed to cleaning out the chicken house?

BILLY: Yes, sir…we already did it…

Anything I hate it’s a polite kid.  So Buck asks them if they’d like to go down to the pond and watch the ducks “hatch out.”  As they get ready to go, young Toby has a question: “Grandpa…why were you watchin’ Leroy B. Simpson?”  (Look, if anyone ever tells you that Seinfeld is a show about nothing you need to call bullsh*t on that—this is a show about nothing.)

"I wonder if Merry Maids is hiring...?"

In the kitchen, the boys tuck into a bowl of Skittles over milk for breakfast as Aggie stares off into the distance, a little put-off.  Toby asks his older brother if Aggie is mad at them, and Billy replies: “No, she’s just thinking.”  The Martin boys are quickly hustled out the door and off towards school by the housekeeper, and as they give their Mom a kiss goodbye Billy tells her: “Aggie’s got a mood.”

“We didn’t do anything,” pleads Toby, to which his mom replies: “I’ll bet you didn’t.”  (Okay, I did laugh at Day’s delivery of this line.)  Doris goes back into the house to find out what Aggie’s problem is.

DORIS: I hear you got a mood…Billy said, “Boy, Aggie sure has got a mood this morning…”

AGGIE: They don’t miss much, do they?

Only when you leave the toilet seat down.  (Honestly, you people make it too easy sometimes.)

DORIS: Uh-uh…what’s the matter?

AGGIE: Oh, nothing…I’ll get your coffee…

DORIS: Look, old buddy…

“Old buddy”?  She’s out of here in three more episodes.  Friendship can be so fickle.

DORIS: …I know you long and I know you good and I know something’s wrong…now what’s the matter?

 “It’s called ‘menopause,’ Do…perhaps you’ll experience it someday.”  Aggie is upset because one of her silver earrings is missing, and when Doris asks where she lost it Agnes is firm—“I didn’t say I lost it…I said it was missing.”  She hasn’t worn them in months, and when her employer inquires as to whether she’s given her room a good going-over Aggie replies in the affirmative.

DORIS: Well, now look…we know an earring can’t just walk out of the house—don’t we?  And the boys certainly wouldn’t want it…

“They already have their own…”

DORIS: …I mean…there isn’t anybody else around here who would…

A ‘ding’ sound appears on the soundtrack as Aggie turns to face Doris with a Kaye Ballard “Oh, really?” look on her mug.

DORIS: Aggie…

AGGIE: Well, do you think Buck could be right about Leroy?

DORIS: No, I don’t think Buck could be right about Leroy…I don’t think Leroy is a thief…

“He’s just not that bright!”  Doris tells Aggie that she help look for the earring—but asks her not to mention it in front of Buck.  She won’t have to—from the top of the stairs, Buck is bellowing for his daughter and when she enters the living room she learns that her dad’s lodge ring has also vanished.  Another “ding” can be heard on the soundtrack.

BUCK: What’s with you two?  You look like you’ve been dippin’ into the collection plate…

AGGIE (looking at Doris): Tell him…

DORIS: Nothing…Aggie misplaced an earring and we were just coming up to look for it…

BUCK: Well, that tears it…

“Shouldn’t have never let you hire that tramp in the first place,” Buck mutters as he comes downstairs and grabs the telephone.  He’s going to call the sheriff on Leroy, so if he did glom onto that jewelry he’d best make tracks for the county line.

DORIS (slamming down the receiver): Buck Webb, don’t you dare do that!  You don’t know for sure that he did it…

BUCK: What’s he gotta do before you come to your senses?

DORIS: Dad, you can’t accuse Leroy without proof!  All you have is circumstantial evidence—now isn’t a man innocent until proven guilty?

BUCK: What do you want me to do?

DORIS: Nothing!  At least not until I find out more about it…

Yeah, old man!  Doris is gonna get the birdseye lowdown on this caper!  And so as Dragnet March-music accompanies her out to the tool shed where Mr. Simpson’s humble lodgings are located, she finds…

Well, this looks pretty bad for Leroy.  I’m sure there’s a logical explanation.

LEROY: Gosh…jewels!  Where’d they come from?

DORIS: Don’t you know?

“From the looks of ‘em…my first guess would be a claw machine…”

LEROY: Me?  No, ma’am!

DORIS (after awkward silence): Leroy…I’d like you to do me a favor…whoever put these here…may come back and we’d like to know who it is…so will you stand and guard them while I go and get my father?

LEROY: I don’t know, Miz Martin…they look pretty valuable…

DORIS: They are, Leroy…they really are…and that’s why I want you to guard them…’cause I really trust you…

LEROY: Don’t you worry none ‘bout them jewels, Miz Martin…I’ll guard them…

Doris runs inside the house, calling for her father…who’s downstairs in the cellar.  She tells him that she’s recovered the jewelry, and when he wants to know where it was she explains it was in the tool shed.  Because the shed also happens to be the swinging bachelor pad of their new handyman, Buck is certain that Leroy is responsible, and he can’t believe his daughter left the loot in Leroy’s care.  But Doris trusts Leroy, and so when they go back to the shed…

I’ll bet Leroy is tooling down some side road, shaking his head: “I can’t believe she left me alone with that stash of jewelry…that woman’s stupider than I am!”  No, I’m just having you on—even though Buck is ready to do the “Told-You-So” dance, the two of them can hear Leroy psssting from over near the garden.  The three of them look over to see…

...oh, like you hadn't figured this one out yet.  Yes, it's our old friend Buzzy the Crow, hopping around with Buck’s watch in his beak.

DORIS: How’d you know what to look for, Leroy?

LEROY: Well…I got to thinkin’…

“I’m warning you, Dobbs…”

LEROY: …I knew nobody ‘round here would be doin’ any stealin’…and I remember seein’ that old crow…

“The bird, not the bottle your Pa keeps in the chicken house…”

LEROY: Crows like anything shiny, you know…

DORIS: Yeah, I know…

LEROY: So I snuck over here to watch the house…and pretty soon here he come with Mr. Webb’s watch…

Poor Buck.  Not only has a crow made a fool out of him, but so has a bigger fool who answers to “Mr. Simpson.”  Doris trills merrily how about how she wasn’t the slightest bit worried when she came back to find Leroy and the jewelry gone, and so Buck is forced to eat (oh, I am shamed about this one) crow.

BUCK: You know quite a bit about crows…huh, boy?

LEROY: Oh, yes, sir…some…we had quite a few of them back home in Choctaw County…

Isn’t there a bridge in that area where some idiot jumped to his death?  I seem to recall hearing a song about that…

LEROY: …I had quite a job keepin’ ‘em out of the garden, too…

BUCK (after Doris gives him the stinkeye): Uh…Leroy…uh…how’d you like to…work here permanently?  Help me around the place?

LEROY: Yes, sir, Mr. Webb—I’d like that!

BUCK: Well…uh…consider yourself hired, then…

DORIS (shaking his hand): Welcome to the family, Leroy!

BUCK: One thing…keep your hands off of my machinery…

He’s on about that again.  Well, Leroy is so punchy pleased to have a steady job, three hots and a cot, and a loving family that he…

…trips over the woodpile!  He’s incorrigible, that one!  “I’m gonna regret this,” says Buck sadly.  “I just know it.”

Well, the coda goes to show that Buck did not speak with forked tongue.  Doris and the boys are digging up weeds in the garden, and from their conversation Billy is apparently angling for a new suit:

BILLY: …it’s so short and all the kids laugh…

Yes, I thought the same thing you did—you dirty minded people—but Doris clarifies this by telling Toby “You’re going to get a new suit—your brother’s new suit.”

Buck has been looking for eggs around the farm and he asks Doris and her crew how the weed pulling is going.  She tells him it’s hard work but he assures her that it will pay off because “Them vegetables are going to taste good.”

DORIS: Hey, buddy boy…you know, you promised to fix that faucet in the kitchen…

BUCK: Oh…yeah…well, I’ll…I’ll get to that…

DORIS: Yeah, about three weeks ago you said it…

BUCK: Well, a little dripping’s not gonna hurt nobody…

Billy tells Grandpap he doesn’t have to worry and his younger brother adds that Leroy has the situation well in hand.  Buck then goes from zero to sixty sprinting across the grounds and into the kitchen where he finds his new employee underneath the sink.  “I told you to keep your hands off of my machinery!” he bellows.

“Oh, I know you did, Mr. Webb,” Leroy tries to explain, “and I was going to…”

“Get ‘em off!” Buck yells, and…

…ba-zinga!  The old water in the face gag.  “This ain’t machinery,” returns Leroy after dousing Buck.  “This is plumbing!”  He hits Buck with more H2O, and Buck calls him—apparently for the first but certainly not the last time—a nincompoop.  He is then hit in the face again as James Hampton channels his inner Jerry Lewis…

…and Doris really enjoys the shenanigans.  Wacky!

Oy, that was a painful experience.  Next time on Doris Day(s)—well, this one won’t be quite so horrible; I actually enjoyed this next episode, which brings back two characters from a previous appearance and was penned by a veteran OTR scribe who made Phil Harris and Alice Faye’s sitcom so consistently hilarious.  (And best of all—Leroy’s not in this one.)  Don’t forget to join us!